Blue Gatorade despite being smart, kind, hard-working and handsome was unable to pull off the victory for the third week in a row. HTPB officials have launched an investigation into how such an adorable cuddly baby boy could have possibly started the season so poorly because it isn't his fault. Eh Bid Dude is off to an undefeated start which means we have to listen to him talk about how much he knew before the season began, as he knew all of this and told us all. My advice to EBD on how to handle the quest for the perfect season comes from Ernest Hemingway himself.
“But man is not made for defeat… A man can be destroyed but not defeated.”
The Old Man and The Sea, 1952
The Old Man and The Sea, 1952
That is all I have to say about Blue Gatorade this week, so you can go ahead and close the blog now, Ang. Have a great day. Alright moving on to another game. Nothing to see here. Way to get the top running back and top receiver heading into the draft and turn it into an 1-3 record. This is me waiting to see you win a game or kiss a girl. Well it looks like I am being served some documents here. So I am really going to need those page views and Jesse to do his job of clicking because I'm losing half my stuff.
In a game that flew under the radar of being shitty due to a much much shittier game, Bay-Bay's defeated the Big Nasty Express. BNE was a total Dortch and didn't come to the draft and is paying the consequences to support his son in football which word on the street is he is more likely to wrap up a breakfast burrito than the ball carrier. I'm trying to transition this blog into exclusively shaming children. BNE lost another defensive coordinator battle to fall to 0-3-1 which on the bright side is better than his actual record. Bay-Bay has managed to not play a team that has broken 100 points all season, yet is still just 2-2. His ride the Chargers plan seems to not be the greatest when the Chargers scored 34 and Herbert/Eckler combined for 53 points and you didn't break 100. Could be trouble. Luckily Bay-Bay's got to battle a jobber like BNE. (I could not find footage of an Adam Cole squash match so here is the Steiner Brothers messing up some poor schmucks.)
Jeremy's Brother had the highest score in the league, I mean wow, am I right, Sergio. It took a rainstorm to slow Lamar Jackson down, but it may not have mattered as TJ Hockenson and Rashard Penny went crazy. Don't look now but Jeremy's brother has emerged from a difficult schedule to start the season (Only one goon) 3-1. SMBR still broke the century mark due to 52 points from his running backs. JB was able to see SMBR's ground game coming since that's basically eye level for him and he was able to adjust leaning into his Tinker Stinkers past and get DK Metcalf back in time from taking a shit. Was that good enough for you Jason? I know its not what you usually read, but it's good enough. When is that Goofus going to get it together, am I right? Either way the little man came up big.
I think we can finally say that The Shoes are dead this week. Josh Allen finally got some help and ODS was able to earn his first victory of the season. The shoes finished up an easy portion of the season playing mostly cellar dwellers and Hardcore Cabinet. The Shoes have been stomping through shit and didn't capitalize. The Death Sqaud has been putting up points but hadn't been able to taste victory until the Shoes came to town. They could be scary the rest of the way but most likely since Big E is involved, we all know where it's heading. Guess what Sergio, I wrote this shit Monday afternoon, I had no faith in you.
It was not a good idea to take two guys so fresh from Dom's team and try to beat Hardcore Cabinet with them. It was too fresh of a wound for Bateman and Wilson. Somehow Dollars managed to lose to a team that lost it's top drafted running back and receiver and lost the first pick of the second round in the second quarter. The fantasy gods wanted Dollars to win, but that Italian Stallions stink was too hard to remove. The weeks on the Italian Stallions programmed them to fold as soon as they saw Hardcore Cabinet take the field. Dollars someone managed to lose this game but climb in the standings. That's failing upwards, brilliantly. But that did move Dollars into playoff position to give his preseason picks 4/7 currently correct a season high. Don't forget to defend yourself against Roy and Brickwood because Robinson was the right choice over Akers, Robinson 2.35 to Akers 1.30. Take that victory lap, buddy.
Bricklayers was able to stay undefeated with a schedule victory over Rush'n Missiles. Jalen Hurts finally slowed down but some of the slack was picked up by Kelce and Pierce to defeat the 0 girls 1 Kupp attack from RM. When your kicker is your third highest scorer of the week, thing are not going well. Bricklayers moves on to try to become the second Eric to go undefeated which isn't even that cool when you look at it that way. Rush'n Missiles looks to regroup and try to do something he has never done before, no, not please a woman sexually, win a playoff game in HTPB. Hey if you guys felt this game's wrap up was boring, that's because it was I'm sorry but if you guys don't say anything, I can't turn it into anything. Really the blame is on you two.
Last and most certainly least is the toilet bowl matchup between Italian Stallions and The Collegians. This craptacular game more than lived up to the hype. It fittingly came down to a battle of Monday night kickers and even more fittingly came down to a missed kick to give the Collegians the "win". The Italian Stallions have been slow getting out the blocks this decade and need a chance to warm up. On the plus side, both Wilson and Bateman got banged up after you dealt them so maybe you will win the trade in the long run after losing it this week. Italian Stallions is in danger of wiping May Be Fat off the record books as the worst team in HTPB history, and lets be honest, despite the victory, Collegians is as well too.
Pick 'em Round Up
It was not a good week for picks as 4-3 was the best record shared between (BL, HC, and BB) Kudos to BB in being the only person to believe in BB. The low men went 2-7 (ODS, EBD, SMBR) Also congratulations are in order to The Collegians who doubled their season win total with a 3-4 record. Everything just keeps coming up Steve this week but in a slightly sad way still. Week 5 pick 'em link here.
Skynet can't fathom Italian Stallions and despite the win, the collegians making the playoffs.
Week 5 Preview
Game of the Week
#2 EBD vs #5 Hardcore Cabinet
ODS vs BNE
BL vs LZ
$$ vs JB
RM vs TC
SMBR vs BB
Toilet Bowl Game
#11 Blue Gatorade vs #14 Italian Stallions
(Skynet simulations of Week 5)
Enjoy your week.
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