Hardcore Cabinet defeats Stabmybalzrepeatedly
A champion stands triumphantly outside a burning pole barn.
Stabmybalzrepeatedly decided to wrap themselves in a blanket and play world of warcraft while not communicating to human beings as they got demolished by Hardcore Cabinet. Tank Dell, Deebo Samuel, Tony Pollard, and Dalton Shultz combined for less points than the 13.70 scored by HC's kicker. Hardcore Cabinet scored 11 TD's in an onslaught that lead the league in points despite three regular starters on bye. Now that HC has that $5 he doesn't need to DJ anymore. The defending champion has now won 3 in a row and is climbing up the standings in hopes of becoming the first back to back champion in league history.
Eh Big Dude defeats Blue Gatorade
A potato wearing a hockey mask sits on a couch surrounded by empty Gatorade bottles.
Eh Big Dude continues to ride the D to wins while Blue Gatorade's entire team just continues to ride the D in general. Blue Gatorade was able to turn a 30 point game from Gibbs into a 79.04 overall score. Impressive. The tush push made it's return this week as Jalen Hurts scored a pair of 1 yard touchdowns. Blue Gatorade got negative points from the red rocket which is apropos since his team is dog dick ugly. It was BG's first draft without asking your author a single question and it shows. His best season was the year that I had to draft the second half of his squad and hit a lot of late round magic, so he
could go play in a baseball game that he probably struck out looking 4 times in.
Los Zapatistas defeats Ogre's Death Squad
(A wolf in a sombrero has a food bowl filled with giant big toes.)
Much like Sherman's march to the sea or Big E through an orphanage, Los Zapatistas have left nothing but destruction in their wake. Ogre's Death Squad lost both Jayden Daniels and DK Metcalf to injuries and it appears as if our voters got it completely backwards. ODS was just voted the trick or treat team most likely to make the playoffs but his season's outlook has turned as hairy as his back. The outlook is bright for the Shoes as they have yet to fall below 100 points in a week. The betting odds are even on which Sergio will achieve first 99 points or 99 kids.
Rush 'n Missiles defeat Bay-Bay's
(Two lesser feeble little brothers fight while the crowd goes mild)
This game occurred. You may not have noticed as it pond water gross. Bay-Bay's is still trying to figure out who to blame for his 3 game losing streak since he can't blame injuries. It's probably your fault. Point of clarification, Dan want to be clear that the you isn't him it's you, as in you the reader, ya piece of shit. CJ Stroud failed to break the 100 yard barrier and his entire squad couldn't break the goal line barrier. Rush 'n Missiles hopes to have set themselves well for the second half of the season with only 2 games left against the top teams in the league remaining. Bay-Bay's has been as hard to pin down as Roy's opinions on a subject as he has three weeks scoring about 125 and 3 weeks failing to break the 100 barrier.
Bricklayers defeats Tinker Stinkers
(A man finds an oasis in the desert that is run a by tiny people)
Bricklayers finally got off the ranks of the winless this season by defeating the Tinker Stinkers who are having their worst season during their time in the league. What can be said about Tinker Stinkers this season that hasn't already been said about gonorrhea. Bricklayers was able to get their favorite kind of running back going again, which is a guy filling in for an injured started for a few weeks. Bricklayers says that despite the data he FEELS unlucky this season. Bricklayers is confusing the lack of good luck as bad luck. He has not been unlucky as the power rankings show, he just hasn't gotten any good luck and caught someone on a bad week. Probably because Dollars has been hogging that. I did do the math on teams scoring higher than normal for those teams which is accurate. Teams playing Bricklayers are 4-2-1 against their mean score. But and I stress, not getting good luck is not bad luck. There can be no luck at all.
The Collegians defeat the Italian Stallions
(Rocky Balboa lays defeated in the middle of a boxing ring while a man with a cap gown is victorious)
The Collegians were once again able to pull out a victory thanks to a Burrow to Chase touchdown. The Collegians are 3-1 when Chase scores a TD and 1-2 when he doesn't. The Stallions are hoping to get Tua back next week and managed to go 4-2 (including the game he got hurt in) while rotating in a bunch of sketchy QB's. The squads went into Monday Night with a Tampa receiver and left the game with two long term injuries. Despite the loss, IS stays in second place and TC find themselves holding onto the final playoff spot.
Big Nasty Express defeats Dollars
(A steam train smashes through a bank vault sending money flying everywhere.)
In a bit investigative journalism, I have discovered that Dollars named his team not after his last name but the fact that if you score breaks the 100 cent barrier that he can't function. Twice this season his opponent has broken the century mark and those are both his losses. As usual, BNE enjoys getting a good dicking and got it from Cameron Dicker and his 22 points. Jordan Love has led the BNE resurgence since being traded to the squad plus a good score from the Philly D. So clearly BNE has been powered by Dicker Loving the D. Dollars was held back by the Jets and Whittingham scoring a combined -2 and now may have to hold for dear life to playoff spot as he ends the season with a murderers row final three games of the top three teams in the standings, HC, IS, and LZ.
Everything is coming up Hardcore Cabinet this week as he nailed both weekly bets and led the league with a 6-1 record. Halfway through no one has went perfecto but 11 times someone has hit 6. The overall lead is 32-17 held by HC, BL, and TC. The rear is owned by ODS with a 24-25 record. It's pretty hard to under .500 in this so good job. Want to see where you fall? Click here.
Week 7 Power Rankings
Tier 1
The clear team to beat
1. LZ 80-11
Just sustained excellence from LZ this season.
Tier 2
In a normal year, the cream of the crop.
Really good squads waiting for LZ to falter.
2. EBD 64-25
3. IS 61-30
4. HC 59-32
Tier 3
Canadians
5. BB 50-41
Tier 4
Mediocre Teams that would be in the playoffs
6. RM 45-46
7. $$ 44-47
Tier 5
Depending on the day
8. BNE 42-49
9. TC 40-51
10. ODS 40-51
Tier 6 Dog Shit
11. BL 33-58
12. Tinker Stinkers 33-58
13. SMBR 28-63
Tier 7
Dog shit that was eaten and immediately vomited by a toothless lot lizard
14. BG 18-73
AOE has a had a horseshow and a black cat. $$ is three spots lucky and EBD is three spots unlucky but once again it's been self inflicted for hopes of a better tomorrow.
Game of the Week
The last two champions square off
#1 Los Zapatistas vs #3 Hardcore Cabinet
#9 ODS vs #5 EBD
#8 BB vs #11 TS
#10 BNE vs #2 IS
#6 RM vs BG #13
#4 $$ vs #7 TC
Toilet Bowl game of the week
#14 Bricklayers vs #12 Stabmybalzrepeatedly
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