HTPB 24.14 Regular Season Wrap Up

 

Vaya con dios to our friends who were not smart, talented or good looking enough to piece together a winning record.  Let's look at how they failed themselves and their families this year.

Blue Gatorade

14th place 

4-10

He finally gets the toilet he deserved last year and this year.  Will he finally learn that you have to take two seconds not drinking and pay attention to win?  

Longest win streak 2

Losing streak 7

High Score Week 14 vs BNE 118

Lowest Score Week 4 vs ODS 76

The Collegians

13th place 

4-10

The season started with a low point of 45 in week 1 and never got better. 

Longest Win Streak 2

Losing Streak 4

High 154 Week 7 vs RM

Low 45 week vs LZ

Italian Stallions

12th place

5-9

After last year's blip of success, Italian Stallions continues their run as an also ran in league history.

Longest Win Streak 2 (2 times)

Loss Streak 6

High Score 143 week 10 vs $$

Low Score 75 week 1 vs HC

Bricklayers

11th place 

6-8

They continue to wander in the desert after losing in the playoffs from their undefeated season, trying to find purpose in life.  

Losing Streak 5

Winning streak 2 (twice)

High Score 131 week 8 vs BG

Low Score 77 week 12 LZ

Big Nasty Express
10th place

7-7

The BNE went super mid this year and didn't have a losing record which in Waco is banner hanging time.

Win Streak 3

Loss Streak 3

High Score Week 6 127 vs BL

Low Score Week 7 76 vs IS 

Dollars

9th place

7-7

But all his eggs in a Bengal basket and the yolk was on him.  Dollars playoff picks were also poor as he only landed 2 correct.

Win Streak 3

Loss Streak 3 (2x)

High Score week 3 126 vs Tinker Stinker (lost)

Low Score week 11 64 vs SMBR

Stabmybalzrepeatedly

8th place 7-7

Started out unlucky with some high scoring losses but the wheels fell off as the season went on and those low scores cost him the tiebreaker.

Win Streak 4

Loss Streak 2 (3 times)

High Score 147 week 6 vs BB

Low Score 91 week 14 vs RM

Your week 1 and double matchups

BG vs TC

IS vs BL

BNE vs $$

SMBR vs the lowest seeded first round loser (one of EBD, TS, BB, HC)

Enough of those losers

#1 LZ 126-56

#2 RM 122-60

#3 TS 113-69

#4 ODS 108-74

#5 EBD 99-83

#6 SMBR 95-87

#7 HC 92-90

Apologies to Kevin, as he is the one deserving team to miss the playoffs.

#8 IS 88-94

#9 $$ 82-100

#10 BNE 7-109

#11 TC 77-105

#12 BL 75-107

#13 BB 67-115

#14 BG 51-131

How the heck did Dan make the playoffs!?

Congratulations to week 14 winners HC, $$, IS who went 5-2.  EBD got zero points as he thought he was probably out so was checked out.  RM was the lowest of the pickers 2-5.  Season long leader is SMBR with BG still at the bottom.  See your spot before the playoff picking.  

The sliding doors of different schedules won't be as clean as last year, as 7-7 was the cut off for playoffs with tie breakers but still fun to look at. 

Making the playoffs with anyone's schedule was only LZ.  He would have maxed out at 12-2 vs HC schedule and would have went 7-7 with ODS/TS.

13/14 making the playoffs schedules

ODS High 11-3 (BB) Low 6-8 (TS)

EBD High 10-4 (LZ) Low 6-8 (TC)

RM High 11-3 (BNE) Low 6-8 (TS)

TS High 11-3 BB Low 6-8 (EBD)

11/14 playoff making schedules

HC High 9-5 (BNE/HC) Low 5-9 (ODS)

7/14 playoff scenarios

SMBR 10-4 (BL) 4-10 (LZ)

4/14 playoff scenarios 

BNE 9-5 (HC) 3-11 (BB)

3/14 playoff scenarios

IS 9-5 (ODS) 5-9 (IS/TS/BB)

2/14 playoff scenarios

$$ 8-6 (HC) 4-10 (TS)

1/14 playoff scenarios

BL 8-6 (HC) 4-10 (RM/SMBR)

BB 8-5 (BB threaded the needle) 2-12 (TC)

No Chance in Hell

0/14 playoff scenarios

TC 7-7 (RM/SMBR) 4-10 (TC/ODS)

BG 6-8 (SMBR) 2-12(lots)

Bye LZ Two championships

ODS (1) vs EBD (2)

HC (3) vs BB (0)

TS (0) vs RM (0)

Good luck to all but especially to me!

HTPB 24.13

 

The league has come down to one final week.  With 4 teams in (ODS/RM are in yahoo doesn't pay attention to tie breakers) 5 teams who's seasons are over.  Leaving 5 teams to fight over 3 spots to continue their seasons and have a shot at some cash and glory. 

Big Nasty Express 127 defeats StabMyBalzRepeatedly 115

 man in a black "universal comics" hoodie hangs on the edge of a mountain side, while a man with a red beard in a shirt that says, "I brake for asterisks" to try to climb to safety

Both teams will be fighting for their playoff lives next week while had the result been reversed both teams fates would have been sealed.  BNE was led by the Buffalo Bills defense and Bijan Robinson who each totaled 28 points.  Pat Mahomes' 35 points was 30% of SMBR total.  SMBR is win and in, lose and maybe in.  BNE has to win and get some help, especially a SMBR loss.  

Hardcore Cabinet 126 defeats Ogre's Death Squad 88

A man carves a Thanksgiving turkey made from Shrek in a kitchen with 3 football trophies displayed.

The Death Squad continues to be held back from greatest by the quarterback position.  ODS has scored 10 or less points from the position 6 times this year.  Sham Darnold took JSN down with him to suffer the loss.  Hardcore Cabinet snaps a short two game skid and while both teams still have a shot at the #1 seed, it can only happen with a Zapatista loss, but both have clinched a playoff spot. 

Rush 'n Missiles127 defeat Blue Gatorade 72

A coach holding a water bottle filled with black liquid yells at a bald college kid to "get the fuck back" into his giant golden toilet.  

A two year journey of dodging the toilet with amazing luck while drinking himself stupid and doing no work towards avoiding the toilet has come to an end.  Blue Gatorade gets the hardware he deserves.  Please contact Brickwood to get that thing because I'm sure as hell not having that thing in my house as an intermediary.  The loser moved out so should his trophy of shame.  It didn't take much beyond Seattle's 42 points from the D and 20 from his kicker to give RM the win and a playoff spot.  

Dollars 110 defeats The Collegians 94

An Air Force veteran is giving a blood transfusion from Joe Burrow.  

Dollars keeps his tiniest flicker of playoff hopes alive.  It would take a Dollars upset of #2 Hardcore Cabinet and loses by one of BB/TS/SMBR and loses by EBD and BNE and then score enough points to win a tie breaker which would mean outscoring them by 120 points.  So Dollars is out, sorry.  Dollars playoff predictions also are mostly out.  He correctly nailed HC and ODS, but missed on himself, IS, TC, and BL.  BNE can still get him to 3 correct on the season.   The Collegians are heading into the off season prepared to go full Gollum when someone comes to get the precious from him.  Hide in the fridge next to the half used jar of MIDS and jug of water.  

Italian Stallions 137 defeat Los Zapatistas 99

A man in a sombrero gets swept away by a herd of stallions each named after a different kind of pasta.

While the Loins dreams of a rare back to back playoffs appearances have gone up in smoke.  He can rest easy that he will not be winning the toilet trophy and ended the streak against Hardcore Cabinet.  He heads back to drawing board for next season.  Los Zapatistas are getting beaten up at the wrong time.  St. Brown looks to miss some time, and Herbert broke his hand, maybe after punching a wall after seeing the St. Brown injury.  Can he get the win next week to get the bye and allow his team to heal an extra week?

Bricklayers 120 defeat Tinker Stinker 87

A man with dwarfism is being pulled into an abyss by a hand made of bricks, in the middle of the meat section at a grocery store.  

Tinker Stinker has been let down Lamar Jackson lately, and despite getting a newly reenergized AJ Brown for the second running back in Detroit, is 2-5 over his last 7 games.  Obviously Tinker Stinker needs to get Lamar back running on all cylinders because he is odds with ownership lately.   TS has failed to score over 100 in 4 of those 7 as well.  The wheels might be coming off but has a win and in scenario next week, but with CMC on a bye things could be dicey.  Bricklayers streak of not making the playoffs since the franchise altering undefeated season playoff choke continues.  He will hold on to the all time league wins as he currently holds a two win edge over Hardcore Cabinet.  

BayBay's 88 defeat Eh Big Dude 79

A younger brother mountie steals a sign labeled "Last Playoff Spot" from Jason Vorhees.

Bay-Bay's are living the Canadian Dream this season.  A playoff spot is all but sewn up and BB will at the very least have the first winning season in franchise history.  It was a sloppy victory for BB's as he would have lost to all but 3 teams this week.  Since EBD crowed about being an a roll and not having a difficult schedule, they have gone 1-5.  Luckily for EBD the middle of the standings haven't done much better and they still have a shot at the playoffs but will need some help.  EBD needs a win, and two of BNE, SMBR, and TS need to lose.  Then tiebreakers come into play with TS and SMBR.  It's uphill climb.  

This week three teams only got 1 game correct, HC, RM, and TS.  Way to go, assholes.  It was a 4-3 winning week for EBD, SMBR, IS, BNE.  EBD is still the overall leader, one win ahead of SMBR.  BG is DFL in this as well, 1 behind $$.  Check out your standings here.

Still #1

1. LZ 119-50

Wolves in Waiting

2. RM 110-57

3. TS 109-60

Could make a run

4. ODS 95-74

5. SMBR 92-77

6. EBD 91-78

Mediocre

#7 IS 83-86

#8 HC 82-87

#9 BNE 82-87

Bad

#10 TC 76-93

#11 $$ 71-98

#12 BL 69-100

#13 BB 67-102

Awful

#14 BG 42-127

Three matchup could have been the game of the week with a score of 10 in total seeds.  So I give the Game of the Week to the one with the most playoff implications.

#1 Los Zapatistas vs #10 Eh Big Dude

#3 RM vs #7 SMBR

#4 ODS vs #6 TS

#2 HC vs #10 $$

#8 BNE vs #14 BG

#5 BB vs #11 BL

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week with absolutely nothing on the line

#12 Italian Stallions vs #13 The Collegians

Ruthless C Shows WWE Velocity 11/1/2003 & WWE Heat 10/25/2003 11/2/2003

                                                    

        Check out the podcast Ruthless that covers in depth this week's Raw and Smackdown here!

This week on Velocity it is the debut of our new color commentator ol Hugh Morris AKA Bill Demott.  

Match#1

Tajiri with unnamed associates vs Shannon Moore

We are told that Shannon Moore has had a change in attitude since Matt Hardy has left.  They trade arm bars, SM gets a snapmare and starts a USA chant.  The associates don't like it one bit.  Moore gets some forearm strikes, a corner floatover is followed by a back hand spring into an arm drag.  A lot of work to do very little.  Shannon hits a spinning heel kick.  Tajiri bails and Moore planchas him.  The associates yank Shannon Moore off the apron, baseball slide by Tajiri, rams into the apron.  Tajiri focuses on Moore's midsection with a gut buster, knees and punches and an octopus stretch.   Shannon fights out and misses a corner splash and eats some kicks to the ribs for his efforts.  Moore does hit a drop kick, clothesline, and spinning neck breaker.  He misses the halo from the top.  Tajiri misses a buzzsaw kick and Shannon takes advantage with a buzzsaw kick.  A sleeper slam by Shannon Moore for a 2 count.  Tajiri misses a jumping back elbow. Shannon misses a clothesline.  Tajiri lands a kick to the gut and a buzzsaw kick to get the win in 5:03  (**1/2)

Match #2 

Orlando Jordon vs Kanyon

Kanyon backs Jordon into the corner, lands some strikes and a shoulder block.  He asks Jordon "Who better?"  Jordon leap frogs him and gets a hip toss and an arm drag.  Jordon goes up and over in the corner for another arm drag.  He missed a drop kick and Kanyon takes over.  Kanyon with a Russian leg sweep and an elbow drop.  Kanyon sets up an innovative falling corner bulldog for a 2 count. He locks in a neck stretch.  Jordan works out with a back suplex and transitions into flying forearms, a drop kick, and a back body drop.  Johnson shuffle as a shout out to his trainer gets a two count.  Kanyon blocks a hip toss and gets a swinging neck breaker. Jordan hits his own spinning neck breaker to win in 4:10. (*3/4)

Match #3

Spanky & Paul London vs Pat Cusick & Murray Happer

Spanky eats strikes from Happer but gets a head scissors, dropkick, and a blind tag to Paul London.  London hits a frog splash high crossbody.  Pat Cusick pulls London down by the hair and then hits him with a short arm clothesline.  London hits a dropsault but Happer hangs him on the top rope and Cusick/Happer hit a double suplex and an elbow drop.  Happer chokes London in the corner illegally.  Enziguri gets blocked and London gets laid out with a clothesline and squished with a standing frog splash.  Spanky breaks up the fall.  London gets hit with a spinning power slam.  London reverses a suplex into something Josh Matthews calls a "waffle face" .  Hot to "Sir Spank a-lot". Spanky comes flying in with elbows, jumping leg lariats and hits a big boot to Happer.  Spanky misses a charge, but a double superkicks to Cusick and tornado DDT to Happer gives the faces the advantage.  London launches off of Spanky's back to plancha Cusick on the outside.  He scampers back in the ring to join in on a enziguri driving slam combo move to pick up the win in 5:31.  (**1/2)

Match #4 

Rhyno vs Kidman

Rhyno hits power strikes, but Kidman floats over in the corner for some quick strikes of his own.  Kidman hits two arm drags and Rhyno bails to regroup.  Rhyno gets hit with a baseball slide.  An apron irish whip of Billy Kidman into the steel post.  Rhyno stomps and hits a back breaker.  Kidman nails a flying crossbody.  Rhyno gets a DDT and then sits in a chinlock.  A big dropkick by Kidman buys him some time to recover.  He hits a flying forearm, a clothesline, and an enziguri.  Kidman's hot streak is cut short by a big Rhyno clothesline.  Kidman hits a springboard bulldog.  Kidman does a baseball slide into Rhyno's crotch.  Kidman heads up for a shooting star press but Rhyno catches him on the top and chucks him across the ring. Rhyno misses a gore and Kidman rolls him up for a nearfall.  Rhyno gets a spine buster and this time nails the GORE! (6:45 **)

Sunday Night Heat 

Match #1

Maven vs Steven Richards

Steven Richards jumps Maven as he is standing on the turnbuckles preening for the crowd.  Maven fires back with a clothesline, back elbow, but Victoria grabs his foot.  Maven reverses an irish whip into the corner and gets a back body drop, spinning back elbow, top rope drop kick but Victoria got the ref's attention on the pinfall.  Maven goes to pull Victoria into the ring and she low blows him for his trouble.  The ref has had enough and ejects Victoria.  Richards hits 3 running middle rope gulllotine leg splashes.  Richards locks in a camel clutch.  Maven rolls up Richards on a suplex attempt.  Maven hits a spin kick followed up with punches, elbows, and a drop kick.  Stevie kicks out at 2.  Richards gets a spike DDT for a 2 count of his own.  Richards goes to find Victoria ringside, apparently unaware that she had been ejected.  Richards admonsishes the ref on his way back into the ring and Maven catches him a top rope float over bulldog to get the victory in 4:37 (*1/4).

Match #2

Val Venis vs Sean Evans

They trade arm bars to start.  Val Venis lands a shoulder block, hip toss, scoop slam, and tries for a reverse leg lock but Evans gets to the ropes.  Val hits 3 leg kicks.  Evans rakes Val's eyes and hits a reverse atomic drop for 2.  Venis comes firing back with 2 clotheslines and scoop slam, he goes for the leg lock again and this time gets in locked in for the tap out in 2:34. (*)

Match #3

The Dudley Boys vs Murray Happer & Pat Cusick

Devon starts with Happer, which I knew from the previous Velocity not because Coach or Snow told us which local talent was which until the home stretch.  Devon comes back quickly from a shoulder block with a high hip toss, a drop kick, an arm drag, and power slam for a 2 count.  Devon gets backed into the corner for the tag.  Devon takes Cusick out with a flying clothesline.  Bubba gets tagged in for some cross face blows and a neck breaker.  Tag back to Devon so they can do a double back body drop to both jobbers.  Devon lowers his head for another back body drop but went to the well one too many times and eats a kick to the face.  An irish whip allows Happer to pull the top rope down and Devon tumbles to the outside.  Cusick hits Devon with some clubbing forearms and a clothesline to the back of the head.  Tags to Happer and then do a double team suplex.  Devon fights free from a head lock but gets cut off before he can tag.  A sleeper is locked in but Devon breaks free with a back suplex.  They both crawl for a tag.  Bubba takes the hot tag and clears house ending in a double corner splash and sidewalk slam to Cusick.  All four men are in for a brawl and Bubba does his Great Value Dusty punches.  A 3D to Pat Cusick ends the match in 6:05.  (*1/2).

Match #4

Molly Holly vs Ivory

Molly locks in a chinlock, an arm bar, and a drop kick to a seated Ivory.  Frequent pin attempts during this arm work by Molly.  Ivory punches out of an arm bar but gets whipped down by the injured arm.  Molly rams the arm into the ring post twice, once from the apron and once from the floor.  Molly tries a cocky pin laying on Ivory, but Ivory snatches her with a crucifix pin for 2. Molly whips Ivory down by the arm again.  She lays in a few hard slaps to the face.  Molly heads to the top for and hits Molly Go Round.  Ivory kicks out at 2.  Molly is beside herself.  Snow can't believe it and says that this is the first time anyone has ever kicked out of the move. Ivory tries a rollup for a 2 count.  Molly grabs her for a shoulder breaker and locks in an arm bar for the submission win in 4:02.  (*3/4)

HTPB 24.12

                                                         

        It's down to the nitty gritty now and honestly while very little is official it feels like everything is decided except for one last playoff spot.

BayBay's 109 defeat Hardcore Cabinet 98

(A mountie removes trophies from a cabinet in order to store his bag of Burger King)

BayBay's have accomplished a non losing season for the first time in franchise history.  The Ravens defense score 10 points in the final two minutes of the game, and Jalen Hurts big first half were enough to get the victory.  Hardcore Cabinet was a good Alshon Jeanty game last Monday night away from being two games clean of the number seed and no the it's all falling apart.  They appear to have lost Higgins and Mayfield for awhile and have to find a way to defeat ODS or now Burrowful Dollars to make the playoffs. 

Ogre's Death Squad 163 defeat Eh Big Dude 158

Shreak and Jason Vorhees battle like monsters in a Godzilla movie with Shrek winning

Not much you can do when Gibbs grabs 62 points, but EBD sure tried.  EBD got the third highest point total of the season and it won't be enough to pick up the victory.  The loss currently sets EBD in the 8th slot in the standings.  A huge matchup against his kin with a playoff spot at stake is on the line, that is if EBD has time to fit in it.  While ODS has a shot at the bye should Los Zapatistas take a siesta in the final weeks.  

Dollars 133 defeats Rush'n Missiles 99.93

Vladimir Putin is drowning in a sea of money while a male nurse in dollar sign scrubs withholds a life preserver.

Rush'n Missiles stupidly played Josh Allen like a dumb worthless idiot, and it cost the victory against Dollars.  RM also lost Kamara to a knee injury for a few weeks and LaPorta for the season.  Luckily he has the best medicine for a rough roster, Blue Gatorade on the schedule next.  With Dollars playoff hopes but a faint flicker, he should be Joe Burrow back on Thanksgiving. Dollars would love to give The Collegians a toilet and keep Hardcore out of the playoffs. 

Los Zapatistas 112 defeat Bricklayers 77

A man in a sombrero gives the eulogy at a funeral for a man with giant gelled hair.

Bricklayers has been officially eliminated and still alive for a back to back toilet.  Los Zapatistas got 48 points from the unlikely sources of Trevor Lawrence and Borregales which looks similar to albondigas so we should have all seen this coming.   The Loins and Dudes are all that stand between the shoes and the bye. Bricklayers heads off into that good night, having missed the playoffs for the third season since choking away an unbeaten season in the playoffs.  

StabMyBalzRepeatedly 99 defeat Italian Stallions 80

A man in black hoodie shoves Rocky Balboa's face into a gravy boat Thanksgiving dinner.  

Dom takes back to back brother in law defeats as SMBR leaps back into playoff positioning.  JTT only got 8 points and when he isn't scoring, IS has lot of Home Improvement to do on the squad.  SMBR facing the other brother in law next week to try to determine who the Last Man Standing will be this season.    uhhhh Toy Story, The Santa ClausE, that space movie with Hans from Die Hard.

Tinker Stinker 99 defeats Big Nasty Express 80

A man with dwarfism and holding a hot dog hugs, AJ Brown of the Philadelphia Eagles while a man with a red beard and white t-shirt with a breast pocket throws a tantrum

Christian McCaffery continues to not get hurt and Tinker Stinkers continues to win because of it.  New addition AJ Brown scored 20 points to give the edge.  The Express went with Brock Purdy although Nick was the one being forced to swallow three interceptions.  Had Caleb Williams been started, BNE would be 7-5 and much deeper in the playoff hunt.  Instead he is squealing like a piggy. You see, Max in the early 70's there was a popular movie called Deliverance where some dudes went a rafting trip and wrecked but got captured by backwoods inbred hillbillies with a hankering for buttfucking.  Movies used to tell original stories, god dammit, just the next recycled intellectual property in a cash grab.  You used to take your best girl down to the soda shop and then to old picture house and watch Ned Beatty get ass raped by a toothless inbred, by god.  

The Collegians 97 defeat Blue Gatorade 94

A college graduate beats a college kid with a flag while a golden toilet looms 

What can be said about this matchup between these squads that hasn't already been said about leprosy.  The Collegians were spurned on to victory mainly by the Las Vegas Raiders' offensive line.  This reporter hasn't seen so many ole blocks since Eric Wright in the 10th week of 1999.    Saquon Barkley appears to have left it all on the field last season, but Godwin returned to scored 2 points. The win gives The Collegians a magic number of 1 to avoid toiletries.  

Bay-Bay's is having himself a week as he wins pick 'em and sets a franchise record for wins going 5-2 this week.  EBD and BG did the inverse with 2-5 records.  They are also our first and last place overall in the pick em standings.  

The Favorite

1. LZ 113-43

Really Good teams who can win it

2. TS 107-49

3. RM 99-57

4. ODS 92-64

5. EBD 90-66

6. SMBR 84-72

They can get ya win once

7. HC 72-84

8. TC 71-85

9. IS 70-86

Not good

10. BNE 65-91

11. $$ 64-92

12. BB 60-96

13. BL 60-96

Awful

14. BG 42-114

The computer simulations say LZ/ODS are in.  HC, RM, TS are all 95% and up.  SMBR is 88%.  Where is gets interesting is BB 55%, EBD 53% and BNE 11%.  Everyone else is 0%.

Bye chances 

LZ 86, ODS 10 HC 2 TS 1

Toilet Bowl Winner

BG 79 IS 18 BL 1 TC 1

Game of the Week

#3 Hardcore Cabinet vs #2 Ogre's Death Squad

Honorable Mention because it's a defacto playoff game

#7 EBD vs #8 BB

#9 BNE vs #6 SMBR

#14 BG vs #5 RM

#12 BL vs #4 TS

#13 IS vs #1 LZ

Toilet Game of the Week and the only game without playoff implications!

#10 Dollars vs #11 Collegians

Have a great Thanksgiving HTPB!

Zoom in and enjoy

(draw an ogre, a train, a big dude, a mountie, comic book guy from the simpsons, an Italian stallion, a bottle of blue gatorade, someone on a toilet with a cell phone, a brick, a mexican revolutionary, a bag of money, a russian missile, college graduate, and a cabinet filled with weapons all sitting around a thanksgiving meal)

Ruthless C Shows WWE Velocity 10/25/2003 & WWE Heat 10/25/2003 10/26/2003

To check out this week's Raw and Smackdown podcast "Ruthless" and all the fun that goes with that, just click this link.

This week Heat has been preempted on Sunday by Spike TV so it aired Saturday Night before Velocity. 

Saturday Night Heat with Johnathan Coachman and Al Snow

Match #1 

Hurricane/Rosey vs Arch Kincaid/Bobby Rude

Hurricane gives a mask to kid ringside.  Snow asks if it gave Coach flashbacks to when his parents would put a paper bag on his head.  Hurricane and Arch Kincaid start the action with Hurricane.  The super hero starts out with an arm bar, headlock, shoulder block combo and does the patented Hurricane pose.  Arch Kincaid hits a shoulder block and does a weird pose, apparently Kincaid wants to be known as the "Sexual Intellectual".  Hurricane hits another shoulder block and once again shows Kincaid the proper pose.  

Tag to Rosey, who locks in his own arm bar.  Kincaid tries several punches to Rosey's stomach but they have no effect, so he levels Kincaid with a clothesline.  A diving splash and falling headbutt leave Kincaid in a bad way. Kincaid rakes the eyes to tag in a bleach blonde Bobby Rude.  Rosey hits them with a double clothesline and tags in Hurricane for a top rope cross body for a two count.  Kincaid low bridges Hurricane and he topples to the outside. Back in the ring, Rude lays the boots.  Tag into Kincaid for a double suplex, and some weird soft heat butts to the ribs.  Tag back to Rude for a body slam, and jumping knee, and locks in a back stretch.  Hurricane hits a desperation tornado DDT.  They both crawl to make the tag.  Rosey's hot tag has clotheslines, a back body drop, sidewalk slam, body slam, super hero leg drop.  Rude attempts to break up the cover so Rosey moves and hits Kincaid.  Rosey stacks them in the corner for a double splash.  Hurricane hits a shining wizard.  The heroes hit their finish of a spinning Somoan drop combined with a neckbreaker combo to win in 6:39. (**)

Match #2

Tommy Dreamer vs Rico with Miss Jackie

They trade headlocks, til a Rico take down that allows him to ride Tommy like a pony.  Rico offers for Tommy to ride him now, but Dreamer kicks him in the gut.  Rico jumps into Dreamer's arms Bugs Bunny in a dress and Dreamer slams him after some playful eye contact.  Rico hits a back elbow and lots of kicks and rope added pin attempt fails.  Loud Rico sucks chants.  He hits a middle rope double ax handle.  While Rico distracts the referee, Miss Jackie comes in and hits a float over DDT.  A big clothesline from the top his blocked by Dreamer.  The Innovator of Violence gets an atomic drop and neck breaker for 2.  Rico avoids the death valley driver, but his powerbomb attempt is countered into a Spicoli driver.  Jackie puts Rico's foot on the rope to avoid the pinfall.  Dreamer hits a big DDT but Jackie runs in to stop the count and Dreamer plants a kiss on her.  He turns into spinning heel kick to pick up the win in 3:42. (*)

In the back, Rosey is about have a donut.  Hurricane flies in to stop him.  "This could be why you were stuck in a phone booth", The Hurricane informs his protégée. Rosey says that it's a protein donut.  John Heidenrich enters and says they are his favorite duo.  He wants a blurry jpeg photo of the three of them with his flip phone for Little Johnny.  They agree to the photo op.  Hurricane asks if Little Johnny wants to be in a photo, but Heidenrich says that little Johnny is camera shy and leaves.  Hurricane tells Rosey, no more donuts, so Rosey walks off dejected.  Hurricane takes a bite of the donut.

Johnathan Coachman is in the ring to announce his new role as the official book reviewer of Monday Night Raw.  He will begin with Lita' s book.  He says that it is a sham because she doesn't give him any credit for her come back from neck surgery even though he inspired her every week when they were the commentary team on Heat together.  The book should be in the fiction section.  Lita comes out, and says that Coach did inspire her.  She was inspired to quit broadcasting and get back into the ring because Coach was such a pain to deal with.  Coach says he's 6'4 230 pounds and she should watch what she says.  Leave and let him finish his business.  She asks to be allowed to apologize to Coach.  Words can't express how sorry she is so she would like to show him physically.  The gently touches coach's arm and then boots him in the gut which sends him between the ropes and to the floor.  

We are show the Road Warrior Hawk tribute video.  

Match #3 

Val Venis vs Steven Richards with Victoria

Steven Richards comes out wearing a towel and mocks Val's entrance, but Val attacks before he can finish it.  Lots of punches, elbows, and kicks, until Val hits a Russian leg sweep.  Victoria grabs Val's leg which allows Richards to hit a DDT.  He heads to the top but Val hits the ropes to crotch him.  Val hits a clothesline, shoulder block, half nelson slam, and powerbomb for a 2 count.  Val goes up for the money shot but Richards gets the knees up.  Val gets the boot up on a charge and gets a fisherman suplex, but Victoria has the ref's attention.  Val makes camera motions because apparently he wants to film her for a movie made in the 1940's.  She goes to punch Val but he ducks and instead connects with Richards.  Val hits a spinebuster and then a leg lock that Richards has to tap out to because Victoria can't save him since she is very busy yelling at her fist in 4:54. (*1/4)

Velocity 

Josh Matthews as play by play and Michael Cole on color.

Michael spends most of the evening just being awful to Matthews to varying degrees of success.  But it is very weird and awkward.  Maybe we will get a similar Josh storyline on Smackdown that we got with Coach on Raw.

Match #1

Shannon Moore vs Orlando Jordon 

Orlando Jordon starts with a shoulder block and a hip toss.  Moore pokes the eyes and trips Jordon onto the ropes.  He starts laying in kicks to the head and chokes him.  Moore hits a snap suplex and a side back suplex.  OJ gets a boot up on a top rope flying nothing.  Jordon got the leg up with Moore even jumped so it looked extra stupid.  Jordon nails a flying forearm and follows it up with a back body drop and a Johnson shuffle series of punches to get a 2 count.  OJ gets caught on a corner charge with a boot by Moore who follows up with a leaping leg lariat from the middle rope.  Moore throws a tantrum after the 2 count.  He walks right into a swinging neck breaker for the win in 3:46. (*)

Match #2

Spanky & Paul London vs Rob Bagley & Mike Taylor

Spanky starts out with Bagley.  Both jobbers have platinum blonde bleached hair and served in the military.  Bagley hits a shoulder block but is quickly brought down with a drop toe hold.  He tags in Paul London who hits a sunset flip, but a kick to the guy allows for the tag to Mike Taylor.  London hits a monkey flip in the corner and Spanky nails a top rope cross body for 2.  Spanky hits a flip over drop kick on Taylor but Bagley catches him for a stun gun.  It's neck vise time.  Tag out to Bagley who locks in his own neck vise.  Riveting stuff.  Spanky rolls through to tag London.  London hits several drop kicks, avoids a double suplex.  Both jobbers are sent outside after suplexes and get hit with stereo suicide dives.  A STO shining wizard combo end it for the brand new team in 5:03 (**)

The APA are walking in the hall talking about how they wished Britney Spears would kiss Jenna Jameson.  They are aghast to see London and Spanky at their poker table.  The rookies want to celebrate their first big win.  Bradshaw is upset that they drank some of their beer and ate their popcorn.  He is so upset that he dumps other beer and popcorn on Spanky.  Bradshaw suggests that they should beat them up. Spanky begs for mercy.  Bradshaw lightens up a bit and says that in order to make in this business you have you bust your ass and Faarooq adds to drink your ass off.  Kendrick grabs a beer and pours it in his mouth.  He slumps over to the floor.  He must have had quite the head start.  The APA thinks he has some potential.  London says he doesn't drink but he'll try.  The camera pans to Faarooq who says, "Damn."

Match #3

Rey Mysterio & Ultimo Dragon & Kidman vs FBI

During the entrances Matthews says the FBI are an Italian Dream Team, the faces are an International Dream Team, Cole interrupts Matthews to say that Matthews' team is the Wet Dream Team.  What? 

Ultimo Dragon and Nunzio start out.  Nunzio gets on a kick attempt for a leg sweep.  Double back elbows as tags are made.  Kidman squares off his Johnny the Bull now.  Kidman gets an arm drag, head scissors, and clothesline for 2.  Chuck Palumbo pulls Kidman down from the apron so the heels can take advantage.  Polumbo is tagged in and starts beating Kidman in the corner, a snap mare, and spinal tap kick, neck vise.  Kidman escapes for a drop kick but gets squished with a somoan drop quickly to stop Kidman from tagging.  Kidman is able to get a hurricanrana and tags in Rey.  Nunzio is in now and gets hit with flying cross body, flapjack, and a drop kick.  Johnny the Bull comes in and sent out.   A seated senton to Palumbo.  Nunzio is kicked to the middle rope but The Bull pulls Nunzio away from the 619 and Palumbo crushes Rey.  We have a unicorn rarity moment, and two segment match on Velocity!

We're back with Rey being picked apart in the corner by the FBI.  Johnny the Bull chokes Rey.  Nunzio is in for boots and starts doing taunting jumping jacks. He locks in a neck vise.  Mysterio escapes and gets a bulldog but Palumbo runs in and pulls Rey away from making the tag and irish whips Rey hard into the corner.  Nunzio and Johnny the Bull pull Reys legs to crotch him against the ring post.   It's Nunzio and Ultimo Dragon in the ring now and Nunzio tries to back body drop him but Dragon lands on his feet and tees off on Nunzio with a series of lightning fast kicks.  He gives Palumbo a drop kick and a head scissors for Stamboli and a springboard moonsault to Nunzio.  The bigger FBI guys catch the Dragon for a double team slam.  Kidman breaks up the cover.  Johnny the Bull holds Kidman but Kidman ducks and Palumbo decks The Bull.  Springboard dropkick to Palumbo in the corner by Mysterio. Kidman baseball slides into his yambag, and immediately planchas onto Stamboli outside.  Dragon hits a series of kicks on Nunzio, goes for a running move of some sort but we'll never know as Palumbo mows him down with a huge kick.  Nunzio covers for the win in 10:22.  (**3/4)