Survivor Series 1996 vs World War 3 1996

The Monday Night Wars between the WWF and WCW were the most watched era in professional wrestling history.  It has been romantized by fans as being an amazing era.  Well….. It was not as great as one would remember.  I have been watching all of the Raws and Nitros in order and have been comparing the builds to each month’s pay per view card.  Often times there were tons of storylines and matches that were confusing, boring, and made no sense.  Before fans continue to clamor for a return to this style of professional wrestling maybe they should read these breakdowns for the Pay Per View builds. 

(These comments were adapted from an email to a lapsed casual wrestling fan who loved this era and wanted me to explain what it was like to relive these shows)

November 1996 had the WWF offering Survivor Series and WCW offering World War 3.

WWF Survivor Series

Shawn Michaels defends the WWF championship against Sid.

In the month of RAWs leading up to this PPV... 1^st week Sid vs Owen and Bulldog interferes Sid makes the save 2^nd week Sid vs Bulldog and Owen interferes, Shawn makes the save. 3^rd week Shawn and Sid try to win tag titles against Owen and Bulldog.  Shawn accidently super kicks Sid. Bad guys win.  Sid and Shawn fight each other.  Friendship over.  If these two crazy kids who once had a few month friendship before turning on each other can’t make it, then what chance does humanity have. Slim, my friend, slim. 

Undertaker vs Mankind

After having a BOILER ROOM BRAWL and a BUIRED ALIVE MATCH… This bitter feud can only be settled in one way.... a REGULAR MATCH.... but in this one Paul Bearer who had turned on Taker and joined Mankind in the boiler room match at Summerslam in August, will be hung in a shark cage above the ring so he can't interfere.  This would make sense as a stipulation had Paul Bearer actually INTERFERED in the previous matches.   The Executioner, who was a drugged up Terry Gordy from Fabulous Freebirds fame, who had actually been interfering should have been the one to be locked up.  They brawled a few times in the buildup.  Great feud that is on its last legs and should have been over or at least taken a break.

Bret Hart vs Stone Cold Steve Austin

Bret Hart was contemplating retirement or jumping to WCW.  Actually brought up in storyline.  According to Bruce Prichard, Vince didn't know if he was saying or going until his promo in the ring.  Vince thought Hart might just announce he was going to WCW to screw him.  Austin had been calling him out, saying Bret sucked and that he wanted to whip his ass, etc.... Austin had been aligned with Brian Pillman and Owen Hart saying that Bret sucked and that he wasn’t the Hitman but the Shitman but then Pillman mentioned that Bret was good at wrestling.  Do you think Stone Cold like this?  No.  Uh-uh.  So he beat the hell out of him and broke his ankle with a chair. (The attack took place on Superstars the weekend show- they just showed a clip on RAW) On Raw, Austin went to his house and tried to kill Pillman while Pillman had a gun and tried to shoot Austin and said fucking on live television.  It was insane and a shit show.  The next week they barely mentioned that it even happened.  So let’s just ignore that one of our wrestlers tried broke into another wrestler’s home intent on killing him and that gun was fired that made “explosions”.  They didn’t want to say gunshots.  Kevin Kelly, the announcer that was dispatched to interview Pillman said, “Luckily no one was struck by any of the explosions.”  Like explosions fly through the air and hit people.

Traditional Survivor Series Match

Hunter Hearst Helmsly, Goldust, Crush (Recently released for prison convict version not to be confused with Demolition Crush, Hawaii Crush, or Japanese Sympathizer Crush), and Jerry Lawler

vs

Marc Mero, The Stalker (Old as shit Barry Windham in zubaz sweat pants and camo face paint, Mark Henry, and Rocky Maivia (debut)

Hunter had been feuding with Mr. Perfect who was retired but kept coming to ringside to steal Hunter's bitches during his matches.  Perfect and Hunter agreed to a match on RAW but Perfect was found beat up and injured by Hunter in the backstage area. Perfect talked Marc Mero into taking his place and defending the IC title against Hunter.  Perfect hit Mero with a chair.  SWERVE!!! New champ. 

Mark Henry had debuted and had been getting teased by Jerry Lawler about thinking he could wrestle.  (Turns out Lawler was right because Henry got hurt trying to wrestle and was replaced in this match by really old, fat, and drunk Jake Roberts but you didn't know that until the Free for All)

Speaking of the Free 4 All look at this great matchup in Survivor Series team history.  It’s a look how much more interesting these guys would be with a different character All-Stars.

Jesse James (Road Dogg but he is still just saying Jarrett can't sing and would sing Jarrett’s fake song on the way to the ring)

Aldo Montoya (Justin Credible with a jock strap on his face)

Bob Holly (Still race car driver and not Hardcore in any way)

Bart Gunn

Vs

The Sultan (Rikishi in a mask that covered his face because his tongue had been cut out managed by Iron Sheik and Bob Backlund)

Justin Bradshaw (pre JBL, pre APA, pre Acolyte just a cowboy with bad intentions)

Salvatore Sincere (If Brother Love was athletic and an actual wrestler.

Billy Gunn

They also played promos of Rocky Maivia being a blue chipper, third generation star.  They showed the time he sacked Heisman Winner Florida St QB and future New York Knick point guard Charlie Ward about a 1000 times.  Fun Fact Rock lost his starting job at Miami to Warren Sapp.

The Smoking Gunns explode!! Bart grew tired of Billy being too focused and trying to bang Sunny instead of their matches.  So the team broke up.  Billy couldn’t get over trying to get Sunny so he turned on his brother.  Now that he is on his own….he doesn’t go after Sunny.  So you turn on your flesh and bone for some “flesh and bone” and then you don’t even try???

Also a Survivor Match featuring tag teams

-Bulldog, Owen, New Rockers (Marty Jannetty and Leif Cassidy AKA Al Snow)

Vs

-The Godwins and new comers Doug Furnas and Phillip Lafon.  Just showed their pictures and being told they were good. No build to this match.

Another Survivor Series match

Savio Vega, Yokozuna (who had not been mentioned in months) the debuting Flash Funk, and a mystery man.  They used a silhouette of Macho Man, Macho was not on TV for WCW then because of contract negotiations so people thought it was going to be him.  Turns out it was Jimmy Superfly Snuka who was inducted into the HOF the night before and was murdering his girlfriend 15 years before.

vs

Faarooq, (he ditched the blue fat knight look and debuted the Nation of Domination Faarooq and got in shape. The Faarooq personality change was a surprise the night of the show. Vader, and "Razor Roman" and "Diesel"

This fake Razor and Diesel thing was dumb. Jim Ross turned heel because he was sick of Vince running the company badly.  He said he was bringing Razor and Diesel back who were currently in WCW destroying people in nWo.  When Ross introduced them they were other guys playing the characters and Ross just acted like everyone was crazy for saying they weren't Razor and Diesel.  Razor was played by Rick Bognar who did a good Scott Hall voice impression, but looked like he ate Scott Hall and couldn't wrestle very well, which would happen when you ate another human being as large as Scott Hall.  Diesel was Glen Jacobs who used to be Issac Yankem DDS.  He was much better than Bognar.

I learned from the Prichard show that they did this dumb bullshit because Hall and Nash were acting like they were Razor and Diesel when they first invaded WCW.  This showed that the characters were WWF property when WWF sued over it.  They got some money and WCW threw in to pay less money that if WCW were ever up for sale and Vince got to buy it if he wanted.  Seemed like a throw in at the time but a few years later Vince gets all of WCW for pennies on the dollar and makes $10 a month off of people like me who watch old Nitros because they obviously hate themselves.  Proof below.

WCW World War 3

60 man 3 ring battle royal for #1 contender.  You don't get too many names on the list for this match but the main focus is on Lex Luger being on a roll and that he can stop the nWo.

Chris Benoit vs Kevin Sullivan

They just pick up this feud up from a few months ago. After not caring about Benoit not being a quality Horseman and Sullivan now hates him again.  Apparently Sullivan doesn’t care that Steve Mongo McMichael who joined the Horsemen midway through his FIRST match.  He must be up to snuff on the Kevin Sullivan Scale of Horseman Rating.  If Sullivan hates the Horsemen why does he care if they have in what his opinion is a bad wrestler? Shouldn’t he enjoy watching the Horsemen struggle with subpar members? Sullivan keeps saying cryptic things about "She"  If it doesn’t make sense blame Sullivan himself because he was the head booker at this time and thought this story was a great one to put himself in.

The Outsiders defend the tag titles against the Nasty Boys and The Faces of Fear (Meng AKA Haku and Barbarian)

So the Nasty Boys had hung out with the nWo in a hotel party and were shown being told by Hogan to watch his back for weeks.  They come to the ring with the nWo and are celebrating some more evil acts perpetrated by the nWo against WCW, when the Nasty Boys complain that, after looking at their nWo contracts, that they were given last night that the pay isn't enough and that Hulk forgot to sign it.  Hogan laughs and the nWo beats them up.  This is supposed to lead to people rooting on the Nasty Boys and their quest for revenge.  Here's the problem though, so the Nasty Boys wanted to turn against WCW and destroy them but the pay wasn't enough so now we are supposed to like them like conquering heroes.  Jimmy Hart rightly brings up that the Faces of Fear have beaten tons of teams, (which they had including Benoit and McMichael at the previous PPV) so they should get the title shot.  The Outsiders, who are supposed to cowardly sneak attacking heels accept the challenge to fight them too.  Way to make your team from the invaders that people are supposed to hate look like badasses for agreeing to fight the team of badasses that we are supposed to hate unless they are facing the nWo.  Huh?

Jeff Jarrett vs The Giant 

This is a rematch from last month since it ended in DQ.  They continue to squabble about the US title that Giant stole from Ric Flair who is injured and still champion.  Flair is backing Jarrett but the other Horseman don't like it.  Flair says I am the lead dog and you other guys have to deal with it or pound sand because Flair obviously likes a guy he just met better than people that have been having his back, and in the case of Arn Anderson, people who have been getting his back for a decade.

Lex Luger vs Arn Anderson

Another rematch from last month.  Luger has not said two words to or about Arn since last month.  Arn keeps cutting promos that he didn't think Luger had the anger in his soul that he showed last month and it caught Anderson by surprise.  This time he won't be surprised.  He might be surprised to hear that Luger apparently care about his match because he needs to destroy the entire nWo in the World War 3 battle royal.

Dean Malenko defends the cruiserweight title against Psychosis.

There was no build for this match, just hey, Psychosis, you weigh below 205 pounds, you get a title shot.

Ultimo Dragon vs Rey Mysterio

Another match with no real build for this match other than the announcers saying that match will be exciting.  But they also say that about every single match on Nitro so their credibility is squadoosh.  Hey its Jim Powers vs VK Wallstreet, this should be an amazing contest!!!

The Amazing French Canadians (Carl Ouelett and Jacques Rougeau) They were freaking awesome as the Quebecers in the WWF in the first year of RAW, now two years later they are fat and just cashing checks.  Vs

Harlem Heat

Harlem Heat blamed Col. Robert Parker for costing them the tag titles to Outsiders and didn't want him to be their co-manager with his wife Sherri.  Parker kept coming to ringside for all of their matches on Nitro with the Amazing French Canadians which led to shenanigans.  Also this made not only Sherri not want to be married to Parker anymore but also in her words to "kill him"  Apparently Sherri says winning a random match on Nitro against the Amazing French Canadians who until this point had not won a match on Nitro is more important than love.  She is a career woman, really ahead of her time.  Parker joins the Amazing French Canadians as their manager and helps them defeat an imploding American Males, (Marcus Bagwell and Scotty Riggs.)

Chris Jericho vs Nick Patrick (Jericho has to have one arm tied behind his back)

-Jericho is continuing to accuse Patrick of being dirty and working for the nWo.  This is how Jericho has decided to take down the big bad nWo by accusing a referee in a neck brace that he is secretly refereeing nWo matches on WCW Saturday Night, where the take on jobbers, in a mask.  What an American Hero Jericho is!!!

Also Roddy Piper came out and confronted Hogan after he beat Macho Man last month and said that Piper is better than Hogan.  Bischoff has been trying to get Piper to sign a contract to fight Hogan at Starrcade next month.  Starrcade is WCW's Wrestlemania. Unfortunately, Bischoff hasn't been able to get Piper to sign anything because of agents and scheduling but he hopes to at World War 3.  Riveting! Call you cable or satellite provider now to see paperwork being completed.

That is the build to the November 1996 pay per views so which do you choose to plunk down your hard earned money on?

Follow me on twitter @Ferrellcomedy

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Browns have lost #1 spot in fans hearts.

The Browns have long been the center of Northeast Ohio's hearts and minds.  The area has flowed the Browns with a die-hard passion since the 50s when Jim Brown and Otto Graham ruled the gridiron on the coast of Lake Erie.  The Browns have kept the attention focused on them ever since.  They have ruled above and beyond the Cavaliers and the Indians despite those two franchises having more success at various points over the past fifty years. 

This town is a Browns town but that has begun to change.  After years of the Browns being terrible on the field and mismanaged in the office, the fans have stopped giving the Browns their love and more importantly their eyeballs and money.  In years past, all the Browns had to do to draw a crowd at Cleveland Browns stadium was play a football game and show up dressed in orange helmets.  The fans were just glad to have football being played by their team.  Then something happened...

The Cavaliers and the Indians started having success.  They started making smart decisions that improved the team and the experience of the fans.  Cleveland fans spent their money on teams that break 52 year curses and teams that lead their division despite having a middling payroll.  

The fans have decided that a revolving door of general managers, coaches, and quarterbacks were not worth their time and money. The Browns are now dealing with lack of interest.  As the 2016 season begins, the Browns have a new general manager...again, a new coach....again...., a new quarterback...again.  This season however, I don't see or hear fans talking themselves into a season with false hope.  The season seems to be met with apathy.  Fans are still riding high on the Cavaliers championship, still enjoying the day to day fun of pennant raise with the #Windians.  The Cavs and Indians have usually been quickly dropped from a Cleveland fan's mind once the sounds of pads cracking hits the air. 

This season attendance at training camp is down. People aren't going to go spend their time watching an inferior product.  Attendance for the Indians has in fact risen since the beginning of the Browns training camp.  Fans in Northeast Ohio have now tasted a winner and they will not accept ineptitude and continue to fork over increasingly hard to come by dollars to support a team that brings them no joy.  Cleveland isn't the sports punching bag lining up for its next body blow.  Cleveland is the reigning and defending king of the sports world and doesn't want to spend it's time watching a team going through another awful season as the new regime brings in "their guys" to play "Cleveland Browns Football".  Whatever the hell that actually means.

Cleveland used to be a Browns town.  Cleveland is now a city of champions.  The Cavaliers have won a World Championship and the Indians are the betting favorite to make it to the World Series.  It's your move Browns.  It's time to produce an enjoyable experience.  An enjoyable experience in this town has changed from the last time you embarrassingly left the field.  This town demands winning.  This town demands progress.  In 2016 in Northeast Ohio, you have to win or the FANS go home.




Follow me on Twitter @FerrellComedy

   
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The Tale of Two Browns Games

This season I attended two Browns’ games in Cleveland, one with my 10-year-old stepson and one with three friends in their early thirties.  I went to each game with different expectations for what was going to constitute a good time.  I realized that based on my mindset and my chosen companions from the game, that different aspects of the NFL Sunday experience came to my attention. 

The first game, a manhandling loss by the Houston Texans with the temperature in the low twenties, was with my stepson Max.  The second game was a heart-breaking and likely season breaking loss to the Indianapolis Colts with the temperature in the low forties and included a three-hour tailgate session with my buddies. 

The Texans game was the first NFL, game that I had attended with Max, although I had taken him to see multiple Cleveland Indians games and even professional wrestling events.  The one thing that stood out to me at the Browns game compared to the other sporting events, that Max and I had attended was the language.  When I am in the proper situation around friends in a relaxed atmosphere, I will swear almost every other words and curse words have never made me cringe before, however for these three hours, I flinched with every f-bomb.  It was constant.  There were loud chants including the word, guys selling bootleg shirts with swear words on them and all of this was just in the line to get through security.  While standing in line to enter the stadium on this snowy day, literally hundreds of snowballs were chucked from the end of the line to the front of the line.  There were elderly and young children getting pelted in the back of their heads.  I was appalled by the display. 

During the game the JJ Watt and the Houston Texans defense dismantled the Browns offense and made Brian Hoyer look awful.  The catcalls came hot and heavy from the stands telling Hoyer and the rest of the offense what they should do to themselves, their mothers, and a few choice sex acts with the same sex.  Our seats were in the upper deck, or the cheap seats as they are so known, but this was hardly the DAWG Pound, the section of bleachers in the South end zone that is notorious for the rowdy costumed fans that inhabit it. 

Max and I stayed to the bitter end of an embarrassing loss.  We walked back to our car sad and with no feeling in our toes from the freezing temperatures.  We parked very far away as a group of kids in their twenties lobbed snow balls at us from across the street.  I looked around to see if there was a Texans fan or even worse a Steelers fan that had escaped from the mental institution, but no only dejected Browns fans trudging along the slush to their cars.  I couldn’t figure out why these kids, kids because anyone younger that me is a kid, had just decided to be awful to strangers.  I got in the car with Max and had lost a lot of faith in the Browns, Brian Hoyer, Browns fans, and the city of Cleveland. 

Despite my above stated disappointments, I returned two weeks later with my friends to watch the Browns and the Colts play a pivotal game.  This game day started hours earlier as we arrived hours before kickoff to enjoy beers in the cold to prepare for the game.  We parked in the same lot as I had with Max and proceeded to commence to the drinking and playing of cornhole.  We kept to ourselves but 4 different gentlemen came up to us to ask for money.  We chatted about life and the Browns, but mainly about life.  The Browns game was something we were going to attend but during the tailgating it didn’t seem to be the reason we were there.  We were just hanging out and having a good time. 

We headed off to the game but first had to stop in the restroom with all of the other tailgaters who were full of their choice beverages.  The bathroom was full of constant “Here we go Brownies, here we go!” chants.  A few guys repeatedly tried to get a “F*** the Colts” chant going, but no one obliged considering the non-existent rivalry between the two teams. 

We headed to our seats that were basically the same as where I sat the previous game.  We were on the lakeside of the stadium and the wind was whipping through our section. This made the temperature feel much colder than it did a few weeks ago despite the temperature being twenty degrees warmer.

This week the Browns scored two defensive touchdowns, which covered for the Browns lack of an offense. The offense was so terrible that Brian Hoyer was benched after the game and so the Johnny Manziel era could start with a loud wet fart against the Bengals.  The game was interesting and the Browns were robbed on a few close calls.  Strangely the Browns kept replaying the bad calls on the large screen.  I thought they were trying to start a riot similar to the bottle-throwing incident against the Jacksonville Jaguars years ago. 

The Browns of course gave up a touchdown in the final seconds to once again lose and put a huge dent in their playoff hopes.  That will get placed in my memory banks along with all of the other disappointments in my Browns fandom. 

The most memorable moment from the game would have to be the homeless gentleman who somehow managed to get into the game.  He decided that the best place in First Energy Stadium to hang out in would be right behind us in the upper deck.  I noticed the overwhelming smell of fecal matter early in the second quarter.  After determining that it wasn’t coming from the Browns' offensive huddle, we realized that the smell was coming from the man in the row behind us.  He had soiled himself.  He walked down the stairs in front of us with his Hershey stains clearly visible though his pants. 

We thought the crisis had been averted when the guy returns after halftime with visible diarrhea on his bare hands.  He continued to sit behind us and every time he shifted his weight, the burning smell of feces would punch you in the face.  The Browns made a huge interception and returned it for a touchdown.  My friends and I jumped and exchanged high fives… It was a great moment, until the possibly infectious disease covered and definitely crap covered hands of our neighbor, gave my still extended in jubilation hand an unwanted and unwarranted high-five.  My life flashed before my eyes as I quickly ran down to the concourse to wash my hands. 

After spending two whole Sundays with different people at Cleveland Browns stadium and witnessing two losses, I have to ask myself why.  Why do I allow myself to be pestered by scammers and beggars before the game.  Why do I pay exorbitant fees just to park my car some where.  Why do I sit in the cold to watch a game from further away than I can see on my big screen TV at home?  Why do I listen to drunks swear, scream and make no sense?  It is because it feels good to be apart of the crowd, to have the energy of the crowd shake your body, the building anticipation while partying before the game.  It all feels good, win, lose, or draw and more than likely lose.  There are those moments in the game when 73,200 people jump up together and cheer.  When the Browns finally make a play and a stadium of people release all of the frustration that this team has laid upon them for years, lifts for a moment, I want to be there hands raised, high fiving 73,199 Browns fans.  There is one that I obviously don’t want to high five again…unless it is in the Super Bowl.

Follow me on Twitter @Ferrellcomedy or email me at MattFerrell75@gmail.com

The King and I

Four years.  A man changes a lot over four years.  Lebron James said in his letter to the nation that he has grown and changed from “The Decision”, where Lebron himself has admitted that he made a poor decision to have a nationally televised special to tell me, all other Cavs fans, and for that matter the Cavalier organization itself, that he was, “Taking his talents to South Beach.”.

                I was twenty-eight years old and sitting on a futon in a basement, and watched the decision from a dark and angry place.  I had spent the entire week prior glued to Twitter looking for any information as to whether the best player that had ever played for my team was going to stay in town.  When news started to break that Lebron was leaving to join the Miami Heat, I couldn’t believe it, or more accurately didn’t want to believe it.  I was holding on to any shred of hope that the reports weren’t true.  I watched “The Decision” thinking that there was no way Lebron was going to go in front of the nation and stab us in the back.  So I was sad and angry when he left.  I did not sleep that night four years ago.  I was up all night reading anything I could. Wanting to find out why he left.  Cheering Dan Gilbert for writing the letter and telling the traitor where to stick it.  I seethed when I saw the firework show the Heat threw, where Lebron counted down the championships that he was going to win in Miami. 

                I was mad and I stayed mad for quite some time.  My stomach churned every time the Heat or Lebron were mentioned by anyone.  I did not watch a Heat game that entire first season unless they were playing the Cavs, I couldn’t bear to see it. I didn’t watch the Finals that year against the Mavericks.  Not one second.  The idea of watching Lebron win a ring somewhere else when he didn’t want to do it for my team sickened me.  I would check in on the score online and rooted for the number next to the Mavericks logo click up.  I celebrated that Mavericks title as much as the fans in Dallas.  

                I didn’t watch a single Heat game until the NBA Finals the following year.  I watched the closing moments of game 5, as the Heat closed out the Thunder.  The only reason I did so was because my girlfriend had her sisters over before we left for a Florida vacation and banished me to the basement.  So I found myself two years later with nothing to do but watch Lebron win a championship.  Two years later and life hadn’t changed that much for me.  I was still pissed off at Lebron James in a basement. Although I didn't sleep that night either it was because I drove my girlfriend and her kids to Florida through the night. I was starting to forget how I felt in July 2010.

                The next year went on and I wasn’t as mad as I used to be.  I was getting over “The Decision”.  I wasn’t rooting for Lebron to win more titles and MVP awards but I wasn’t angry with him.  I said out loud in conversations with others that I hated him but it wasn’t filled with actual hate as it had been before.

                In June 2013, I had surgery on my shoulder and was laid up during the NBA finals.  I watched ever second of every game of that 7 game epic series with the Spurs.  I loved it.  Yes, I was rooting against Lebron and the Heat, but I was also rooting for the Spurs because of their classy organization that built through the draft to create a winning team.  I was disappointed when Ray Allen hit that corner three to pull off a miracle escape in game 6.  I didn’t like watching Lebron play great in game 7 and the player that is in my opinion the definition of how the game should be played, Tim Duncan, come up short.  But I went to sleep that night easily even though the man I thought I would never stop hating was a back to back champion.   Maybe it was because I was on prescription pain medicine or maybe it was because my wife, who during the last Lebron title the previous year was my girlfriend, slept next to me and took care of me while I healed. 

                This summer, I watched Lebron lose in a rematch to the Spurs.  This time I watched the games as a basketball fan.  I loved watching the great team in the Spurs, beat the great individual in Lebron James, with my wife and stepson.  I loved explaining to my step-son the importance of help defense and the extra pass, that I had taught him as his basketball coach in the winter.  The Spurs did their part to make me look a genius.  This finals I was happy that Spurs won more than the Heat lost, because my priorities had changed.  I watched these games not in a basement but in the comfort of the new recliner that my wife got for me.  I watched with my son and used sports to teach life lessons.

I spent the past week on the South Carolina beach, checking twitter constantly, being on roller coaster of emotions with each rumor. The emotions of July 2010 started to come back. I thought Lebron James was just toying with me. As if the most identifiable athlete in America was personally messing with me just for kicks. I stressed. I ignored others. I searched for a basement to be pissed off in. 

After two days, I realized, with the help of my wife, that I was being ridiculous.  I was reliving the hate, the disbelief, the stress.  I was regressing.

  Today, I went to the beach with my wife and kids without my phone.  We played in the water and sand together for hours.  During that time I was relaxed and loved life.  I didn’t think about the “Decision 2” and enjoyed my family.  In Lebron’s letter to the fans of Cleveland, he talked about being with his family and how much he had changed over the past four years.  How his priorities have changed.  I get it Lebron.  I have changed too.  Welcome home, it is a happier place here for me than when you left and now my team might actually win.

Follow me on twitter @Ferrellcomedy

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Bowling for Corporate Dollars

We all know why postseason college sporting events happen despite the games having no bearing on the National Championship.  It's because it is a reward for hard working student athletes and coaches from a long hard season of smash mouth football.  Yeah right.  It is because of the all mighty dollar.  The dollars during bowl season come from corporations and I wanted to think about how I could support these corporations for supplying me with hours of meaningless games that only matter for something to watch during the holidays and of course gambling.  I decided that I would purchase one item from each corporate sponsor from each bowl game to ensure that Meaningless Madness (trademark pending) continues next season when the NCAA will institute a four team playoff.

First up the Gildan New Mexico Bowl.  I had no idea what a Gildan was so their sponsorship of the New Mexico Bowl worked enough to get me to look up what a Gildan was.  It is a sports apparel company.  Who knew?  I decided to purchase a plain short sleeve T-shirt because a man has to be comfortable if he is going to sit on the couch for the approximately 122 hours of football in 35 bowl games I will be watching over three weeks.

The Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl brings me some of their fuel system cleaner for the low price of $15.99 which will be helpful for all the stores I had to hit to purchase all of these fine products.  The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl cures my hunger with 10 delicious Yukon Gold Potatoes for $19.95.  R&L Carriers sponsors the New Orleans Bowl and if I wanted to ship a thank you package in one of their tractor trailers, it would cost me from my house to New Orleans only $272.35.  Your autographed picture is on the way R & L.

I have worked up another appetite and decided to stop in at the sports bar Beef O' Brady's which not only did I not know existed but there is a location with 45 minutes of my house.  Despite the annoying and unappetizing way their commercials during the game referred to the place as "Beef's", I ordered the Land, Sea, and Air platter of sliders, shrimp, and chicken tenders even though chickens don't fly, Mr. O'Brady.  This deep fried delicacy set me back $15.99.

Who wants to spend Christmas Eve with their family when they could attend the Sheraton Hawaii bowl and stay in the premier suite for $3,400 a night.  No brainer, lei me, please.  After returning home on my Christmas Day flight, I ordered a tasty $5 hot and ready pizza while watching the Little Cesar's Pizza Bowl on the 26th.  Fortunately my plane stopped over in San Diego with a layover long enough to open a saving account with a minimum deposit of only $1 at the San Diego County Credit Union to thank them for sponsoring the Poinsettia Bowl.

This is where my corporate thank you quest becomes a little expensive and more than likely illegal.  I was able to pull a few strings and was able to get my hands on an unmanned bombing drone from the good people at Northrop Grumman, the friendly people behind the Military Bowl and the American war machine.  All of the bombing, none of the mess, and only for $12,548,710.60.  My new MQ-9 looks great in the driveway by the way.  It's just too bad that their isn't a Steve's Plane Hangar's Bowl.

The Texas Bowl tried to trip up my consumer paradise by not having a direct sponsor.  What gives Texas Bowl?  How am I supposed to watch two mediocre teams like Syracuse and Minnesota do battle without purchasing something to thank the sponsor?  You almost defeated me Texas Bowl, but I bought a commemorative long-sleeved shirt featuring bowl teams appearance in the legendary Texas Bowl for only $30.

The Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl will fight my hunger for the low price of $4.50 for a 5 pack of macaroni and cheese.  Hopefully I don't get any on my New Era baseball cap purchased for watching the Pinstripe Bowl for $34.99.  I have been doing a lot traveling to complete my free enterprise endeavor so I picked up a nice luggage set from Belk Department Stores and the Belk Bowl.  Total cost to travel in style only $240.

I have gotten a few shirts but my legs remain naked.  Not after purchasing some fleece pants from Russell Athletic and watching the bowl of the same name for only $5.96.  Thanks Mr. Athletic!  I dined that evening for 10 pm start of the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl on 15 spicy garlic wings for $15.99.

Since already had an unmanned flying machine, I would need a manned one.  Thank goodness for the Bell Helicopters Armed Forces Bowl and Bell Model 407 that I purchased for $2.54 million.  Luckily I was able to fiance my new helicopter though Franklin American Mortgage Company.  Thanks for the Music City Bowl.  My helicopter flies through the air but doesn't run on it.  That's why I picked up a barrel of refined Oil for $48.76 from the people who bring us the Alamo Bowl.  I will always remember you, Valero.

In order to improve this blog, I enrolled at National University to earn an Associates degree in creative writing.  The Holiday Bowl education set me back $16,632.  Taking all of these classes, I will need an extra pep in my step.  Thankfully the Advocare V100 Bowl and their vitamin supplements for only $34.95 will keep me going.

The good people at Hyundai and the Sun Bowl would like me to purchase a new car and decided on the sensible sedan with nice leg room, the Hyundai Elentra, for $18,850.  I can't to fix my new ride up with $18.99 wiper blades from Auto Zone and the Liberty Bowl.  I am going to need some extra funds to pay for all this so I will try to maximize my income tax return through TaxSlayer.com, while I file my taxes while watching the Gator Bowl for only $32.95.  I will put my return in Plains Capital Bank to thank them for the Heart of Dallas Bowl.  Whatever my return doesn't cover I will just put on my Capital One card because it is in my wallet for the Capital One Bowl.

Time to refuel with a Outback Steak Plate for only $9.99.  I can watch both the Outback and Rose Bowl on my 80" Class Razor LED Smart 3DTV for $3,999.  I can also scoop any last bits of my steak plate with Tostitos Scoops for $3.99 a bag for my New Year's Day evening while watching the Fiesta Bowl.

The great money grab continues after New Year's Day.  I can get insurance on my new car through Allstate for $91 a month as a big thanks for the Sugar Bowl.  I can help pay for that with the money I deposited in Discover's Online Savings Account while I watched the Orange Bowl.  I am going to need a new smart phone to manage all of these new accounts on the go, so I got the AT&T Nokia Lumia 520 for only $69.99 with a new phone contract with AT&T.  This way I will also be able to call everyone I know to watch the AT&T Cotton Bowl.  Luckily I was able to get another loan from BBVA Compass at the low APR of 3.08.  That will make the fantastic match-up of Vanderbilt and Houston, all the more riveting in the BBVA Compass Bowl.

Wrapping up this season of corporations giving us meaningless football games, I will post all of this on the website domain name that purchased for just $.99 from GoDaddy.com.  It should be up and running by the end of the GoDaddy Bowl.

Finally the BCS National Championship Game.  The only game that actually means something.  The biggest game of them all features the return of our good friends at Vizio.  I can't wait to get my second 80" TV.  I will need it too because some of these bowl games are on at the same time.  Don't these advertisers know how to maximize their advertising dollar?


Follow me on twitter @ferrellcomedy

What I am Thankful for in Sports

This time of year Americans sit down with family and friends and spend time to be thankful.  This is also the point in the sports calendar where there is constantly sporting events on television.  So it got me thinking what I had to be thankful for being an Ohio sports fan with a busy life and a wife and kids.

I am thankful that the 2014 NFL Draft is loaded with Quarterback prospects.  As the Browns head into the home stretch of another stink hole season ruined by bad quarterback play, Browns fans' attention turned towards the draft.  Fortunately this year is the deepest quarterback draft in a very long time.  Brandon Weeden, the Browns' first round pick in 2012, who came out of college at 28 as a project, is bar none the worst quarterback in the league.  Weeden is not just the worst starting quarterback, the worst quarterback period. He isn't the first terrible quarterback the Browns have tortured their loyal fans with.  Since the Browns returned as a cesspool in the NFL in 1999, they have trotted out the following collection of bums and mistakes at starting quarterback.


Ty Detmer, Tim Couch, Doug Pederson, Spergon Wynn, Kelly Holcomb, Jeff Garcia, Luke McCown, Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, Ken Dorsey, Bruce Gradkowski, Colt McCoy, Jake Delhomme, Seneca Wallace, Brandon Weeden, Brian Hoyer, Jason Campbell.

I had to take a shower after listing off that rotten collection of turds.  The Browns have the Colts first round pick after convincing them to take the corpse of Trent Richardson plus their own surely high first rounder.  I am not opposed to the Browns using both picks on quarterbacks in 2014.  I mean one of them has to not suck.  I mean right? It has to happen eventually.  If the Colts can go from Peyton Manning to Andrew Luck and the Packers can go from Bret Farve to Aaron Rodgers then the Browns can get one good quarterback every twenty years. I mean can't we catch a break?

I am thankful this is the last year of the BCS.  Ohio State seems locked into the 3rd slot and therefore outside of the championship game despite not having lost a game during the past two seasons.  I would love to see the Buckeyes get a chance to play for the national championship this year, however I am no dummy.  I have seen Alabama and Florida State and know that the Buckeyes are not in their class.  If this was next season in order to win a national title, the Buckeyes would have to beat both of them in a two week period.  Not happening.  You are just not putting together two perfect games back to back like that.  However since this is the last year of the BCS, if the Tide or Seminoles should happen to stub their toes in the last few games of the season, then Ohio State would only have to pull one upset.  They have an outside shot of doing that and I would love to watch them try.

I am thankful for the 2013 Cleveland Indians season.  It was a great season with tons of ups and downs like any good roller coaster ride season should be.  However I know this was probably as good as it is going to get for a few years.  The Cleveland Indians shot completely over their skis this season.  They hit gold with a few lottery tickets like Jason Giambi and Scott Kazmir.  However the mass exodus of players with talent that the Tribe can no longer afford has already begun.  Joe Smith a reliable middle reliever left for the Angels because a small market team just can't afford to spend 4 million a season on a setup man.  Ubaldo Jimenez who stunk most of his time in Cleveland finally turned it on the last two months.  Just in time to decline his player option and cash in big time.  Thanks for stinking for two years and then finally getting it together for a payday, Ubaldo.  This next season will be a disappointing one for the Tribe as they will take a step back in 2014.

I am thankful that at the end of this NBA season that Lebron James can opt out of his contract.  This will finally allow the closure that we Cavs fans need. There has been rumblings that Lebron may return to Cleveland after this season for a do over with the Cavs.  I know that would be great for the Cavs record and chances at a title.  But Cavs fans have been stuck in neutral ever since the Decision.  There were the two years of hate and the past year and a half as been hoping and pining for Lebron to return.  Cavs fans clapped and begged for Lebron to return when the Heat came to Cleveland to play on Wednesday and it saddened me to see what we have become.  It doesn't make me feel good to see my fellow fans turn into a jilted lover who is hoping for their ex to get divorced and come back.  It's pathetic.  I will be just be glad when the Cavs finally know that he isn't coming back and we can start actually moving on as a franchise.  That way we can build around the often injured Kyrie Irving, Tristan Thompson who after years of playing basketball realized he shoots better with his other hand, the black hole shooting guard who can't shoot Dion Waiters, Andrew Bynum who keeps talking about retirement, and Anthony Bennett who is on pace to be the worst number 1 overall draft pick since Kwame Brown in 2001.  It is only a matter of time until Bennett is a D-League all-star for the Canton Charge.  This team has some major issues and I doubt will seem all that attractive to Lebron so it seems like it will be another long, dark era for the Cavs.

What I am most thankful for this season with Cleveland sports teams is what they have done for my son.  He has learned that you love people unconditionally.  That you stick with them through the hard times even if you don't see good times on the horizon.  Being a Cleveland sports fans has taught him that you are loyal and hopeful even if you never get any sort of satisfaction in the end.  It has now been 50 years since a Cleveland team has won a title and he sees his friends, who obviously have no class or values and were raised by barbarians, pronounce their love of the Steelers, Heat, Yankees, Red Sox, and other teams just because they are winning currently.  He knows that is not how a person should be a sports fan.  People love sports for the escape that it allows from life, but I love sports for what it does for my life, how it teaches lessons, and how after every heart-breaking loss and devastating season that my son is becoming a better person through it.  I am thankful for that more than any championship my teams could bring. Although I feel that he has learned enough about perseverance and loyalty, so we could really use a Championship Parade.  I would be very thankful for that.

Follow me on Twitter @Ferrellcomedy


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Up Close with the Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2013

            Friday night I was up close and personal with the Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2013 along with over 100 other Hall of Famers at the Enshrinees Dinner in Canton, Ohio.  The class of 2013 included Larry Allen, Chris Carter, Curly Culp, Jonathan Ogden, Bill Parcells, Dave Robinson, and Warren Sapp.  It was the 50^th anniversary of the Hall of Fame and to commemorate the occasion all but 7 of the living Hall of Famers were in Canton last night.  It was the largest amount of Hall of Famers from any sport in one place at the same time. 

 

               I have worked as a personal security escort for five years for this event and this was the first year that every inductee was friendly and great to be around.  It made for a great evening.  Dave Robinson who was a linebacker for Lombardi’s Packers in the 1960s wandered off before the evening could even get started.  Chris Carter got the night off to a great start when he quipped, “The Hall made him wait 30 years so he is going to make everybody wait another 30 minutes.”

 

            We escorted the enshrinees through various rooms of diners in the Canton Fine Arts Center and Canton Civic Center.  I was assigned to Larry Allen who could not have been more friendly and personable.  The players and coach were introduced to each room of fans, family members, and former teamates to a round of applause and multiple handshakes and back slaps.  The biggest ovation of the night in each room went to Jonathan Ogden which was surprising considering Canton is Browns country along with a sickening pocket of Steelers fans. Little known fact, at least by me, Ogden was an honorary captain for the Ravens in the most recent Super Bowl so he was sporting two giant rings. The former Ohio State Buckeye Chris Carter was serenaded with constant chants of O-H, which after a few rooms he stopped responding with I-O which was understandable because if he answered each chant, Carter wouldn’t have done anything else all night. 

 

            In a tale of two extremes, Chris Carter used hand sanitizer after each room because of all of the handshakes, while Larry Allen didn’t wash his hands the entire evening.  Even after using the restroom twice for number #2.  In personal security there are things you don’t want to see, but that will be burned into my brain forever.  Also despite all of his bravado and famous sound bites as a coach, Bill Parcells was quiet and reserved. 

 

            After a few rooms, an extremely intoxicated lady grabbed Chris Carter in the hallway and had to be pulled off of the Viking great. This was hilarious to Larry Allen. This would not be our last run in with this drunken fool.  After the commotion, Carter asked Allen who was the toughest player he went up against, Allen answered that they were all tough, but Warren Sapp was his hardest match-up.  Sapp was not within earshot so this was not said just to blow smoke for Sapp’s benefit.  One of the rooms was filled with fans with disabilities and Chris Carter went to each of them for a handshake and a quick moment.  It must have been very moving because Carter was brought to tears from the emotion. 

 

            We entered a room in the Fine Arts center where this March I exchanged vows with my beautiful wife.  I mentioned this to Larry Allen and he congratulated me and asked how the marriage was going.  I assured him that everything was great.  Then the drunk lady reappeared attempting to get Larry Allen to sign a Warren Sapp shirt because she was his biggest fan.  I told her to go sit down and sober up.

 

            Once all of the members of the current class arrived at the main area and were served dinner, each member of the HOF that was in town was individually introduced to the crowd. It was disappointing to see Chris Carter’s son Duron Carter, who will give the introductory speech for his father the next day, texting on his phone during the majority of the ceremony.  Duron failed out of both Ohio State and Alabama, which takes some doing since you can take classes such as AIDS Awareness and Beginning Golf to stay eligible. I felt Duron, who has NFL dreams, should have witnessed the Hall of Famers all come to welcome his father to their elite club. He wouldn’t have hurt for Duron to see what hard work and perseverance can lead to. The largest ovation went to Cleveland Browns Hall of Fame running back, Jim Brown who coincidently was the only Hall of Famer to not wear his gold jacket that every member receives upon induction.  Another loud ovation went to Don Shula, who needed the assistance of two police officers to walk on the stage.  The winningest coach in NFL history was not in good shape so his appearance was both saddening and inspiring.  Speaking of poor health, former Bills quarterback, Jim Kelly, who was recently diagnosed with jaw cancer, looked to be in great spirits. No ill effects of the disease or his fight were visible. 

 

            Lawrence Taylor decided to accentuate his gold Hall of Fame jacket with jeans and flip flops so he sure classed up the evening.  After’s LT’s introduction, our drunk friend from earlier latched on to the controversial linebacker and WrestleMania 11 main eventer, and had to be peeled off again. 

 

            At the end of the evening I was supposed to take Larry Allen to his private car to be taken back to his hotel but instead Allen decided to board the Dallas Cowboys party bus with Jerry Jones and both their families.  It looked like it would be a great time but alas my night as Larry Allen’s shadow had come to an end. The whole experience was amazing as other NFL and sports media dignitaries such as Ray Lewis, Roger Goodell, Chris Collingsworth, Chris Berman, Rich Eisen, and Al Michaels took in the ceremony.  The strangest celebrity in attendance was former NBA shooting guard Ron Harper who was seated with Chris Carter’s family.  Who knew?  It was a night that Canton, Ohio, the Pro Football Hall of Fame, the NFL, and past and current enshrinees all shined brightly and I was grateful to get a behind the scenes peek at the extravaganza. 

            Please leave feedback below or at mattferrell75@gmail.com or on twitter @ferrellcomedy