Bowling for Corporate Dollars

We all know why postseason college sporting events happen despite the games having no bearing on the National Championship.  It's because it is a reward for hard working student athletes and coaches from a long hard season of smash mouth football.  Yeah right.  It is because of the all mighty dollar.  The dollars during bowl season come from corporations and I wanted to think about how I could support these corporations for supplying me with hours of meaningless games that only matter for something to watch during the holidays and of course gambling.  I decided that I would purchase one item from each corporate sponsor from each bowl game to ensure that Meaningless Madness (trademark pending) continues next season when the NCAA will institute a four team playoff.

First up the Gildan New Mexico Bowl.  I had no idea what a Gildan was so their sponsorship of the New Mexico Bowl worked enough to get me to look up what a Gildan was.  It is a sports apparel company.  Who knew?  I decided to purchase a plain short sleeve T-shirt because a man has to be comfortable if he is going to sit on the couch for the approximately 122 hours of football in 35 bowl games I will be watching over three weeks.

The Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl brings me some of their fuel system cleaner for the low price of $15.99 which will be helpful for all the stores I had to hit to purchase all of these fine products.  The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl cures my hunger with 10 delicious Yukon Gold Potatoes for $19.95.  R&L Carriers sponsors the New Orleans Bowl and if I wanted to ship a thank you package in one of their tractor trailers, it would cost me from my house to New Orleans only $272.35.  Your autographed picture is on the way R & L.

I have worked up another appetite and decided to stop in at the sports bar Beef O' Brady's which not only did I not know existed but there is a location with 45 minutes of my house.  Despite the annoying and unappetizing way their commercials during the game referred to the place as "Beef's", I ordered the Land, Sea, and Air platter of sliders, shrimp, and chicken tenders even though chickens don't fly, Mr. O'Brady.  This deep fried delicacy set me back $15.99.

Who wants to spend Christmas Eve with their family when they could attend the Sheraton Hawaii bowl and stay in the premier suite for $3,400 a night.  No brainer, lei me, please.  After returning home on my Christmas Day flight, I ordered a tasty $5 hot and ready pizza while watching the Little Cesar's Pizza Bowl on the 26th.  Fortunately my plane stopped over in San Diego with a layover long enough to open a saving account with a minimum deposit of only $1 at the San Diego County Credit Union to thank them for sponsoring the Poinsettia Bowl.

This is where my corporate thank you quest becomes a little expensive and more than likely illegal.  I was able to pull a few strings and was able to get my hands on an unmanned bombing drone from the good people at Northrop Grumman, the friendly people behind the Military Bowl and the American war machine.  All of the bombing, none of the mess, and only for $12,548,710.60.  My new MQ-9 looks great in the driveway by the way.  It's just too bad that their isn't a Steve's Plane Hangar's Bowl.

The Texas Bowl tried to trip up my consumer paradise by not having a direct sponsor.  What gives Texas Bowl?  How am I supposed to watch two mediocre teams like Syracuse and Minnesota do battle without purchasing something to thank the sponsor?  You almost defeated me Texas Bowl, but I bought a commemorative long-sleeved shirt featuring bowl teams appearance in the legendary Texas Bowl for only $30.

The Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl will fight my hunger for the low price of $4.50 for a 5 pack of macaroni and cheese.  Hopefully I don't get any on my New Era baseball cap purchased for watching the Pinstripe Bowl for $34.99.  I have been doing a lot traveling to complete my free enterprise endeavor so I picked up a nice luggage set from Belk Department Stores and the Belk Bowl.  Total cost to travel in style only $240.

I have gotten a few shirts but my legs remain naked.  Not after purchasing some fleece pants from Russell Athletic and watching the bowl of the same name for only $5.96.  Thanks Mr. Athletic!  I dined that evening for 10 pm start of the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl on 15 spicy garlic wings for $15.99.

Since already had an unmanned flying machine, I would need a manned one.  Thank goodness for the Bell Helicopters Armed Forces Bowl and Bell Model 407 that I purchased for $2.54 million.  Luckily I was able to fiance my new helicopter though Franklin American Mortgage Company.  Thanks for the Music City Bowl.  My helicopter flies through the air but doesn't run on it.  That's why I picked up a barrel of refined Oil for $48.76 from the people who bring us the Alamo Bowl.  I will always remember you, Valero.

In order to improve this blog, I enrolled at National University to earn an Associates degree in creative writing.  The Holiday Bowl education set me back $16,632.  Taking all of these classes, I will need an extra pep in my step.  Thankfully the Advocare V100 Bowl and their vitamin supplements for only $34.95 will keep me going.

The good people at Hyundai and the Sun Bowl would like me to purchase a new car and decided on the sensible sedan with nice leg room, the Hyundai Elentra, for $18,850.  I can't to fix my new ride up with $18.99 wiper blades from Auto Zone and the Liberty Bowl.  I am going to need some extra funds to pay for all this so I will try to maximize my income tax return through TaxSlayer.com, while I file my taxes while watching the Gator Bowl for only $32.95.  I will put my return in Plains Capital Bank to thank them for the Heart of Dallas Bowl.  Whatever my return doesn't cover I will just put on my Capital One card because it is in my wallet for the Capital One Bowl.

Time to refuel with a Outback Steak Plate for only $9.99.  I can watch both the Outback and Rose Bowl on my 80" Class Razor LED Smart 3DTV for $3,999.  I can also scoop any last bits of my steak plate with Tostitos Scoops for $3.99 a bag for my New Year's Day evening while watching the Fiesta Bowl.

The great money grab continues after New Year's Day.  I can get insurance on my new car through Allstate for $91 a month as a big thanks for the Sugar Bowl.  I can help pay for that with the money I deposited in Discover's Online Savings Account while I watched the Orange Bowl.  I am going to need a new smart phone to manage all of these new accounts on the go, so I got the AT&T Nokia Lumia 520 for only $69.99 with a new phone contract with AT&T.  This way I will also be able to call everyone I know to watch the AT&T Cotton Bowl.  Luckily I was able to get another loan from BBVA Compass at the low APR of 3.08.  That will make the fantastic match-up of Vanderbilt and Houston, all the more riveting in the BBVA Compass Bowl.

Wrapping up this season of corporations giving us meaningless football games, I will post all of this on the website domain name that purchased for just $.99 from GoDaddy.com.  It should be up and running by the end of the GoDaddy Bowl.

Finally the BCS National Championship Game.  The only game that actually means something.  The biggest game of them all features the return of our good friends at Vizio.  I can't wait to get my second 80" TV.  I will need it too because some of these bowl games are on at the same time.  Don't these advertisers know how to maximize their advertising dollar?


Follow me on twitter @ferrellcomedy

What I am Thankful for in Sports

This time of year Americans sit down with family and friends and spend time to be thankful.  This is also the point in the sports calendar where there is constantly sporting events on television.  So it got me thinking what I had to be thankful for being an Ohio sports fan with a busy life and a wife and kids.

I am thankful that the 2014 NFL Draft is loaded with Quarterback prospects.  As the Browns head into the home stretch of another stink hole season ruined by bad quarterback play, Browns fans' attention turned towards the draft.  Fortunately this year is the deepest quarterback draft in a very long time.  Brandon Weeden, the Browns' first round pick in 2012, who came out of college at 28 as a project, is bar none the worst quarterback in the league.  Weeden is not just the worst starting quarterback, the worst quarterback period. He isn't the first terrible quarterback the Browns have tortured their loyal fans with.  Since the Browns returned as a cesspool in the NFL in 1999, they have trotted out the following collection of bums and mistakes at starting quarterback.


Ty Detmer, Tim Couch, Doug Pederson, Spergon Wynn, Kelly Holcomb, Jeff Garcia, Luke McCown, Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, Ken Dorsey, Bruce Gradkowski, Colt McCoy, Jake Delhomme, Seneca Wallace, Brandon Weeden, Brian Hoyer, Jason Campbell.

I had to take a shower after listing off that rotten collection of turds.  The Browns have the Colts first round pick after convincing them to take the corpse of Trent Richardson plus their own surely high first rounder.  I am not opposed to the Browns using both picks on quarterbacks in 2014.  I mean one of them has to not suck.  I mean right? It has to happen eventually.  If the Colts can go from Peyton Manning to Andrew Luck and the Packers can go from Bret Farve to Aaron Rodgers then the Browns can get one good quarterback every twenty years. I mean can't we catch a break?

I am thankful this is the last year of the BCS.  Ohio State seems locked into the 3rd slot and therefore outside of the championship game despite not having lost a game during the past two seasons.  I would love to see the Buckeyes get a chance to play for the national championship this year, however I am no dummy.  I have seen Alabama and Florida State and know that the Buckeyes are not in their class.  If this was next season in order to win a national title, the Buckeyes would have to beat both of them in a two week period.  Not happening.  You are just not putting together two perfect games back to back like that.  However since this is the last year of the BCS, if the Tide or Seminoles should happen to stub their toes in the last few games of the season, then Ohio State would only have to pull one upset.  They have an outside shot of doing that and I would love to watch them try.

I am thankful for the 2013 Cleveland Indians season.  It was a great season with tons of ups and downs like any good roller coaster ride season should be.  However I know this was probably as good as it is going to get for a few years.  The Cleveland Indians shot completely over their skis this season.  They hit gold with a few lottery tickets like Jason Giambi and Scott Kazmir.  However the mass exodus of players with talent that the Tribe can no longer afford has already begun.  Joe Smith a reliable middle reliever left for the Angels because a small market team just can't afford to spend 4 million a season on a setup man.  Ubaldo Jimenez who stunk most of his time in Cleveland finally turned it on the last two months.  Just in time to decline his player option and cash in big time.  Thanks for stinking for two years and then finally getting it together for a payday, Ubaldo.  This next season will be a disappointing one for the Tribe as they will take a step back in 2014.

I am thankful that at the end of this NBA season that Lebron James can opt out of his contract.  This will finally allow the closure that we Cavs fans need. There has been rumblings that Lebron may return to Cleveland after this season for a do over with the Cavs.  I know that would be great for the Cavs record and chances at a title.  But Cavs fans have been stuck in neutral ever since the Decision.  There were the two years of hate and the past year and a half as been hoping and pining for Lebron to return.  Cavs fans clapped and begged for Lebron to return when the Heat came to Cleveland to play on Wednesday and it saddened me to see what we have become.  It doesn't make me feel good to see my fellow fans turn into a jilted lover who is hoping for their ex to get divorced and come back.  It's pathetic.  I will be just be glad when the Cavs finally know that he isn't coming back and we can start actually moving on as a franchise.  That way we can build around the often injured Kyrie Irving, Tristan Thompson who after years of playing basketball realized he shoots better with his other hand, the black hole shooting guard who can't shoot Dion Waiters, Andrew Bynum who keeps talking about retirement, and Anthony Bennett who is on pace to be the worst number 1 overall draft pick since Kwame Brown in 2001.  It is only a matter of time until Bennett is a D-League all-star for the Canton Charge.  This team has some major issues and I doubt will seem all that attractive to Lebron so it seems like it will be another long, dark era for the Cavs.

What I am most thankful for this season with Cleveland sports teams is what they have done for my son.  He has learned that you love people unconditionally.  That you stick with them through the hard times even if you don't see good times on the horizon.  Being a Cleveland sports fans has taught him that you are loyal and hopeful even if you never get any sort of satisfaction in the end.  It has now been 50 years since a Cleveland team has won a title and he sees his friends, who obviously have no class or values and were raised by barbarians, pronounce their love of the Steelers, Heat, Yankees, Red Sox, and other teams just because they are winning currently.  He knows that is not how a person should be a sports fan.  People love sports for the escape that it allows from life, but I love sports for what it does for my life, how it teaches lessons, and how after every heart-breaking loss and devastating season that my son is becoming a better person through it.  I am thankful for that more than any championship my teams could bring. Although I feel that he has learned enough about perseverance and loyalty, so we could really use a Championship Parade.  I would be very thankful for that.

Follow me on Twitter @Ferrellcomedy


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