HTPB Week 20.12

 

Week 11 allowed a light to be lit for the playoff picture with 3 teams clinching their spots. 3 teams are logistically eliminated based on two week 14 games between 6-6 and 5-7 teams, with the 5-7 having significantly more points than their 6-6 opponents. (ODS is not impossibly eliminated but with two teams in front of him guaranteed to get wins it is all but likely.) The Toilet Bowl Trophy can still be won by 6 teams as well.  

SMBR dealt body blow to HC playoff chances, handing them their 4th defeat by 3 points or less this season.  Lamar Jackson tried to give HC and the Browns, victories but neither team would take the gift.  Good games from every other spot on the roster led to reach the second highest score in the league, for HC, third highest doesn't mean anything without a victory.  SMBR clinches a playoff spot an ensuring there will not be back to back toilet seasons.  

Tinker Stinkers failed to cross 85 points for the second week in a row and is vulnerable of missing the playoffs if they can't pull the nose up.  ODS led by Josh Allen and really nothing much else, was able to use his Turkey Day lead to really stuff it to Tinker Stinkers.  ODS still has an outside shot at the playoffs if they win out. Like a 15 year old under the bed sheets, TS has appeared to have used his Chubb all up.    Both teams finish out the season against Italian Stallions and Bricklayers, so the race for the Toilet Bowl could also play big time spoiler.  

Speaking of Italian Stallions and Bricklayers, IS made the toilet bowl race interesting with a fractional point victory over BL.  If Bricklayers had listened to his daughter and released Cam, he would still be alive with an outside shot at the playoffs.  Odell Beckham rewarded IS patience with a long touchdown and Odell leads the league in offenses ruined this year having chalked up, the Browns, the Rams, and the Italian Stallions.  With Dalvin Cook out for the rest of the fantasy season, IS will have to really fight to not extended his record of number of seasons with the worst record. 

Rush'n Missiles continues to try to forge their way into the playoffs for the first time ever and all it will take is one more victory.  But those could be hard to come by with a tough remaining schedule and tons of byes from his beloved Packers this week.  RM was led by "Four"nette BNE continues to live and die with Herbert and his 21 points weren't enough to pull the rest of his team up to victory.  BNE could drop out of the playoffs as well, with hard schedule and the loss of Waller.  Will Mattison taking the reins in Minnesota to be enough to find the one win he needs? 

Big Cat Crushers has last number 1 overall pick for the season, his own son nearly doubled him up in revenger for BCC picking against him earlier in the year. Joe Mixon continues to dominate for TC and the lesbian keeps tossing touchdowns for both teams.  TC could be headed for a first round bye but they will definitely be in the playoffs.  

"Big Cat had a terrible week" 

-Corey Bourquin

Eh Bid Dude managed to win for the second straight week without breaking 86 points.  Luckily for EBD the teams, he managed to squeak out victories against were ahead of him the standings and he is still alive for the playoffs despite the second lowest point total in the league.  EBD has managed this with the rapid demise of Russell Wilson.  The Shoes control their own destiny for the playoffs but will have to battle two teams that may be finally getting healthy after a rough month in HC and $$$.

Blue Gatorade and Dollars didn't say shit this week because everyone knew the outcome before it started.  $$$ will be getting some pieces back this week and hopes to avoid a Toilet Trophy.  He isn't going to win any tie breaks so it doesn't look good for Dollars but listen here, Jesse.  It helps me greatly if you beat Sergio this week.  

In weekly pick'em 6 teams went 5-2 and 3 teams went 3-4.  weekly picks can be made here

Power Rankings

1. SMBR 103-53

2. BG 100-56

3. TC 100-56

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4. HC 93- 63

5. CB 91-65

6. BNE 87-659

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7. BCC 79-77

8. BL 70-86

9. LZ 69-87

10. TS 69-87

11. 67-89

12. ODS 61-95

13. EBD 60-98

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14. $$$$ 43-113

Tinker Stinkers is finally not the luckiest team in the league as that is now EBD.  But don't worry Tinker Stinkers you are most likely to be the luckiest team in the playoffs. HC is the unluckiest team.

Number of weeks in Top 7 scoring with total points as tie breaker

8 wins HC, BG, TC, CB

7 wins SMBR, BNE, BCC

6 wins LZ

5 wins TS, BL, IS

4 wins ODS, EBD

2 wins $$

Week 13 preview

With the playoffs rapidly upon us every game is a game of the week.  So much on the line.  Playoffs possibilities for every game.  Get hype.  All that is but ODS vs BL.  That shit is for avoiding a toilet bowl. 

Good luck!

HTPB 20.11

 

Week 11 in HTPB created a logjam at the top with a five way tie atop the standings.  The parity continues down the standings with 14 teams still alive for the playoffs mathematically and 9 teams still alive for the toiletries.  This week's blog will include a lot of looking ahead at the last three games.

In one of the craziest matchups in league history, Blue Gatorade outscored SMBR in a game for running back aficionados.  52 points from Johnathan Taylor Thomas wasn't enough to best the 38 points from Austin Ekeler and the rest of BG's squad.  The running backs combined for 9 touchdowns which by themselves was more than every team had in the league this week.  (RM with 8 was the high).  SMBR was held down by their special teams being special ed gaining SMBR -2 points.

EBD used his anger from not being able to make a trade this season by squeaking out a Monday Night win over Hardcore Cabinet with a mid 80s poo poo platter game.  In a month Hardcore went from a running back squad of Henry, Edmonds, and Mitchell to starting Eno Benjamin.  

EBD is still in the playoff hunt and HC has fallen from first place to 8th during this slide.  A 21 point difference in special teams was huge this game.  

In a shocking turn of events, Tinker Stinkers had a shitty week and managed to not still win.  Big Nasty Express pulled off the big seeding victory over the Stinkers, led by Herbert and Adams. The trend continues, as goes Herbert goes BNE.  The flowing locks and the receding hairline, hand in hand.  After a one week return to the top, Mahomes continued his poor fantasy performance laying a 5 spot.  With byes still coming for Mahomes and Chubb and the injury to Michael Carter, combined with the lowest overall point total amongst the top 9 teams, TS could be in jeopardy of falling big time late. Tinker Stinkers does have a soft schedule the rest of the way with ODS, IS, BL to end the regular season.  Time will tell if the meats are Prime Rib or Rump Roast.

The season from hell continued for Dollars as he put up the lowest score in the league once again.  Big Cat didn't show any mercy as he pounded him by almost 50.  Another good week for Big Cat, right Cory?  (running jokes are fun)  The return of McCaffery has been a great addition and he will carry Big Cat as long as hamstring holds up.  But this is about $$$.  Nothing has gone right from the night of the draft until today and it doesn't get any easier with a schedule of BG, LZ, and SMBR to finish the season.  Average current standings of his opponents is 3rd place.  I have spent some time looking for the solution to Dollars' 2021 season, and after extensive medical tests, advise of fantasy experts, the HTPB team has decided to end it humanely and with a little suffering as possible.

Bricklayers edged The Collegians by a point total that the same as his hat size .04.  Bricklayers was led by the corpse of Cam Newton whose 28 points led the matchup in player scoring.  BL managed to win with Javonte Williams on bye, So small feat. These two teams are more focused on the remaining schedule for both teams are very interesting.  The Collegians plays all playoff contenders (BCC, RM, BNE) and Bricklayers battles fellow Toilet Bowl contenders (IS, ODS, and TS the lowest point total of playoff contenders)

Italian Stallions' back is firmly pressed against the wall, he needs to win out, needs several other teams in the RM, LZ, EBD, BCC group to lose out and score more points than them, to make the playoffs which might not be possible based on schedules.  But in the toilet race, the points are bunched up and win can change things big time. Los Zapatistas has risen quickly up the standings after winning 3 of their last four games, and with all of his remaining games against teams below him in the standings, LZ has to be feeling good.

Aaron Rodgers returned to form and apparently his foot injury was handled by Dr. Toe Rogan as Rush'n Missiles pummeled Michael Chiklis.  Rush'n Missiles has an extremely difficult schedule the rest of the season with games with BNE, TC, and BG to wrap up the year.  Can RM make the playoffs for the first time? Many times RM has let the playoffs slip through his fingers.  The playoffs have slipped through the gap in ODS's teeth a long time ago, but hopes of playing spoiler and avoiding a toilet motivate him to finish strong.  

Pick em results.  RM led the way with a 5-2 record, while BNE, HC, and TC all pulled 2-5.  Favorites went 3-4.  Week 12 pick em available here.  Remember the games start earlier with Thanksgiving, so vote early and often.  

Power Rankings 

1. SMBR 91-52

2. BG 91-52

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3. TC 87-56

4. HC 82-61

5. BNE 81-62

6. CB 81-62

7. BCC 78-65

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8. LZ 69-74

9. TS 66-77

10. BL 63-80

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11. IS 59-84

12. EBD 56-87

13. ODS 56-87

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14. $$ 41-102

Hardcore has been the unluckiest with a 4 spot drop and Tinker Stinkers is the luckiest with a 4 spot gain.

Using the metric of wins vs median which is basically how many times you were in the top 7 of the league in scoring using total points as the tie breaker.  

Teams that should be 7-4 BG, HC, BNE, CB, TC, BCC

Teams that should be 6-5 SMBR LZ

Teams that should be 5-6 TS

4-7 BL, IS, ODS, EBD

2-9 $$$$

I'm thankful for this league and the fun it brings.  I am also thankful for the ad clicks.  Enjoy the holiday and may your fantasy team do well this week. Except SMBR, because my ass needs to make the playoffs to cash the checks my mouth wrote before my whole team was injured. 

HTPB 20.10

 

Week 10 saw the bottom of the standings take their pound of flesh and the middle of the pack fail to climb in the standings.  

Blue Gatorade caused Hardcore Cabinet to be the second member of the league to have his Sunday 40th birthday ruined by an utter ass kicking.  Hardcore Cabinet only had one player break double digits and zero touchdowns while Blue Gatorade had another well rounded week to earn the victory and swap places with HC in the standings.  Don't sleep on Blue Gatorade, but with the trade deadline approaching and BG should be aware of who pays for the cell phone that he sets his lineup with and make an offer accordingly if he would like to maintain that access.  After losing Henry, the additional loss of Kyler Murray has been hard to overcome.  

Like their owner at a circle jerk, it all came to together for Ogre's Death Squad this week.  ODS used 8 team touchdowns to stomp Big Nasty Express.  BNE seems success and failure seems completely tied to Justin Herbert. BNE has lost every game where Herbert played and failed to score 20 points except one (which was against Dollars which doesn't count) and won every game when Herbert scores over 20.  ODS took a step away from the Toilet Trophy this week but it clearly lurks at every turn due to ODS low point total.  

Los Zapatistas won the only match-up that came down to Monday night, besting Big Cat by a point.  The Shoes had to rely on A-yuk who dropped a solid 4 points to sneak out win. Both squads managed to break 100 while getting a goose egg from their tight ends.  The year of the cat took a big hit this week as Los Zapatistas took Big Cat's position at just outside the playoff picture.  

    "I mean Big Cat was in the top 7 scorers this week despite the loss."

            -Cory Bourquin

SMBR landed several big blows to Bricklayers tiny head, with 3 players scoring more than 20 points allowing him to take home the high score of the week.  Bricklayers was led by Javonte Williams who scored less that Cooper Kupp did in the final drive of the game and that's without a TD.  Bricklayers settles into the cellar and SMBR rests atop the standings.  

The Collegians had a rough time this week as he was taken out behind the woodshed by Tinker Stinkers, who had a really good week despite Nick Chubb being out. Collegians was just sitting around enjoying first place and BOOM, Tinker Stinkers struck.  There some how were touchdowns being scored not by Collegians players and full investigation has begun by HTPB officials led by representatives from Tinker Stinkers.  Tinker Stinkers has the longest current winning streak in league and the shortest fuse once he reads this write-up.  Also the shortest pants.

Italian Stallions took Rushin' Missiles down a few pegs and with Arron Jones' injury and the upcmong bye for the Packers, RM's grip on the last playoff spot is weakening.  Will RM stem the tide and or settle right back into his comfy sport juuuuuuussssstttt outside the playoffs.  Speaking of places where somewhere usually resides, with the victory Italian Stallions pulled themselves out of last place but with uncharacteristic victories for other bottom feeder teams, IS is still only in  the penultimate place. Click here for that Dom.

    

                                                    (Italian Stallions after his victory)

I save the worst for last as Dollars scored more points that Eh Bid Dude 81-44.  What a shit game?! I would like to take a minute to thank Dollars for continuing to try to scrape together wins, make his picks and be a bright ray of sunshine despite going though the season from hell. EBD says he doesn't enjoy the league or fantasy football in general.  Just going out on a limb here.  Maybe allow yourself to have more fun with it.  Maybe make some picks, read a funny blog, not take it so seriously and maybe it will be activity that brings you joy.  You have a lot good in your life happening and this can be one too.  Maybe moreso in two weeks because you need to take an L next week. Just let me know if you read this but saying something negative while holding a copy of today's newspaper.  That way we know that you are alright.  Sorry got stuck in a rut there from the previous wrap up.

Week 10 Power Rankings

1. SMBR 85-45

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2. HC 79-51

3. TC 79-51 

4. BG 78-52

5. BNE 74-56

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6. CB 70-60

7. BCC 66-64

8. TS 65-65

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9. LZ 59-71

10. IS 57-73

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11. BL 54-76

12. EBD 52-79

13. ODS 51-79

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14. $$$ 41-89

We finally have a new #1 as HC slow fall from the top continues.  $$$$ is going to need to really turn it on to avoid last place in the power rankings. HC has been the unluckiest being 4 spots behind where he should be and TS continues to be the luckiest being 5 spots ahead of where he deserves to be.  

Pick em was won by several players with 4-3 records: ODS, BG, BL, $, LZ, TC

Last place was HC and RM with 2-5 records.  Here, EBD get a slice of that joy.

Week 11 preview

Game of the Week: SMBR vs BG

ODS vs RM

BNE vs TS

IS vs The Shoes (Had to get one in for Bigs)

BG vs SMBR

BL vs TC

Toilet Bowl Match-up

$$$ vs BCC

Have a great week and remember the trade deadline is this weekend. 

HTPB 20.9

 

Week 9 was a low scoring slog, with 91.03 being the 7th highest score, but should be called you are what you are week, as the top 7 went 6-1 vs the bottom 7.  

SMBR repeatedly took an early lead and both $5 weekly bets on Thursday night behind Taylor's 32 points.  Maybe SMBR will be nice and make sure the Toyota he served EBD has a car seat in it.  Carson Wentz was the only player for EBD to break double figures.  Since EBD dude had a rough week you knew this happened to be a week that he didn't watch any of the games.  His whole squad totaled 19 rush yards while SMBR's QB had 120.

Rushin' Missiles' had most of his team on bye or out with COVID and still managed to beat Bricklayers by 21.  Maybe Bricklayers should consult the renowned Dr. Joe Rogan to nurse his team back to health.  Melvin Gordon beat Williams 16-11 in the battle of Denver running backs, although Gordon was aided with horse dewormer as a performance enhancing drug.  RM will be heading to his first playoff berth as this game was deemed a sure loss but he pulled it out.  Rodgers should be back next week unless, the Jews uses their space lasers again to start wildfires around Lambau field in order to put him the cancel culture casket. Do your own research you sheep.

ODS may have won the battle for Big Cat's love securing the pick em vote but The Collegians secured everything else, in an 50 point beat down.  This destruction was even with James Conner going crazy on the Collegians bench, crazy in a good way, not in an Aaron Rodgers way.  It's understandable that ODS would have such a rough week with a list of players on bye such as Alex Collins.  How can he be meant to overcome such odds.  TC continue to roll and remain atop the standings. 

A Yuk finally got himself into the end zone to pull The Shoes to 73 points.  Things are looking up, as in looking up in the standings at all the teams with above .500 records.  Blue Gatorade used a well rounded attack to break the 100 point barrier.  The Shoes can't make the right call on DPJ, as they only like to play him on weeks he doesn't record a snap, shown here showing Sergio, how many spots out of the playoffs, Yahoo currently projects him to finish. 

Tinker Stinkers may say that your writer is a horse but he is the one with lucky horseshoe shoved up his ass, as TS pulls out yet another bottom 7 point total win. Clearly his tiny ass is a leprechaun not a dwarf or munchkin, this is on me and I apologize about misidentifying what mystical tiny person, Mike is.  I will try to do better in the future. Dollars put the newly activated Jeff Wilson Jr in his lineup and he never took a snap.  Patrick Mahomes continues to struggle as the first round reach continues to hurt TS in point total but not in the win column.  Nick Chubb carrying the rest of Tinker Stinkers to a victory.  This win would have gone a long way to keep Dollars out of the Toilet Bowl.

The clubhouse leader for Toiletries continues to be the Italian Stallions which have performed more like Spider Rico this season.  Italian Stallions laid another egg as the Big Nasty Express continues to roll along.  BNE continues to be lead by the surprise player of the season Cordarrelle Patterson.  Here is what he has done this season

1	Sep 12	Phi	Final L 6-32	8.55	7	54	0	0
2	Sep 19	@TB	Final L 25-48	21.54	7	11	1	0
3	Sep 26	@NYG	Final W 17-14	12.90	7	20	0	0
4	Oct 3	Was	Final L 30-34	32.06	6	34	0	0
5	Oct 10	NYJ	Final W 27-20	15.98	14	54	0	0
6	BYE	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
7	Oct 24	@Mia	Final W 30-28	14.91	14	60	1	0
8	Oct 31	Car	Final L 13-19	16.85	9	35	0	0
9	Nov 7	@NO	Final W 27-25	14.60	9	10	0	0

That's ridiculous production from a kick returner at running back.  

Big Cat Crushers was the only bottom 7 pull out a victory as he edged past Hardcore Cabinet.  Hardcore Cabinet's running back situation has gone from Derrick Henry leading the league to Chase Edmonds getting one carry and getting a multiple week injury. Although minus Henry, Kyler, and Edmonds getting one carry, HC still finished in the top 7 of the league in scoring. New England scored 24 points to lead Big Cat.  The QB play in this game was reminiscent of the Browns pre Baker Mayfield as they combined for 17 points.  Although that was another good week by Big Cat, right Cory?

ODS, BCC, and LZ went 6-1 in pick em to lead the league, while SMBR went 2-5 to finish in last.   Week 10 picks available at this link. https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/14389/pickem  

Power Rankings

1. HC 78-39

2. TC 76-41

3. BNE 72-45

4. SMBR 72-45

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5. BG 68-49

6. 64-53

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7. BCC 59-58

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8. TS 53-64

9. EBD 52-65

10. LZ 51-66

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11. BL 49-68

12. IS 46-71

13. ODS 42-75

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$$  37-80

Hardcore Cabinet has been the unluckiest as he is 4 spots below where the power rankings suggest, while Tinker Stinkers is 4 spots ahead where he should be.  

Week 10 preview

Game of the Week  1 Collegians vs 4 Tinker Stinkers

Birthday Bowl 5 Hardcore Cabinet vs 6 Blue Gatorade 

7 Rush'n Missiles vs 14 Italian Stallions

2 SMBR vs 11 Bricklayers

8 Big Cat vs 10 The Shoes

3 Big Nasty Express vs 12 Ogre's Death Squad

Axis of Toilet Bowl

9 Eh Bid Dude vs 13 $$$

Good Luck to all in week 10.  Trade deadline is coming up. 

HTPB 20.8

 

Week 8 saw some upsets that caused the standings to condense as two two loss teams fell to below .500 squads along with another upset or two in this low scoring week.

Bricklayers brought some Monday Night Magic to the table which BNE and Darious Slayton promptly choked on.  BL was able to ride big games from Darrell Henderson and Tyreke Hill plus the zero points from the guys he got in exchange for Cooper Kupp to get to 99 points and the victory.  BNE could not overcome the loss of Davante Adams to COVID and the loss James Robinson to injury.  BNE could be in fact facing some hard times in the coming weeks. 

Josh Allen's 31 points was 39% of ODS' total scoring for the week and was unable to drag the rest of the bums to a win over EBD.  EBD's 90 points seems like a lucky win but 90 was good enough for the 8th highest scoring total of the week making it barely a lucky win.  EBD has kept up his streak of somehow always watching his players are doing well but never seeming to be watching when his players are sucking.  It's amazing how often that happens.  

In match-up that's hard to write about because they didn't say shit to each other in the chat as to not hurt each other's feelings, Tinker Stinkers softly and gently beat the crap out of Rush'n Missiles.  Michael Carter's 27 points gently caressed Cory's head, while Philadelphia's 25 tucked him in with his blankie. But hey Cory, Big Cat has another good week.  I'm saying talk shit even when you goofs are playing your ridiculous teammates.  Also FYI people who are not in stupid groups make up only 29% of the league but are 43% of the current playoff squads.  

I now would like to take a moment to mourn the fantasy season of Derrick Henry. The number one running back in fantasy by such a large margin that he will still most likely be the number one running back by the beginning of week 11. 

  Hardcore Cabinet better get used to only getting 6 points from running back position moving forward, as HC only got 14 points from Henry and Kyler but it was still enough to defeat Dollars thanks to good weeks from the receiving core you each hauled in a touchdown.  Ryan Tannehill another good player who has scored an average of 23 points a week since Bricklayers spite released him in order to play Sam Darnold.  Tampa's D and Kaliff Raymond let Dollars down but at least he is currently ahead of the Loins in the standings.  

The Loins did manage to have the lowest score of the week and got beaten down by The Collegians, but it could have been worse if The Collegians had gotten a score every time he should have which of course is every time somebody scores ever. TC used his James Conner vulturing touchdowns to overcome first round Kelce scoring 3 points and letting him down on the position bet.  The Collegians said it is worth it in exchange for the victory, so Steve values win at at least $5.01 and he would know the value as he is currently leading the league in wins or at least $30.06 worth.  

Big Cat Crushers pulled the nose up to end a five game slide and vault all the way into tenth place in the standings. Since Max has his license so Big Cat decided to pay forward the love with a gift.  Big Cat passed out a Toyota to Blue Gatorade.  Big Cat's well rounded attack brought him the victory and $10.  Cory's prophetic words of last week still ring true as Big Cat did in have a good week.  

You aren't going to such hard hitting analysis and humor from non other than Rushin Missiles. This guy scored a lot of points and that needs to be mentioned specifically.  

Los Zapatistas was able to overcome being swindled by Bricklayers, as being traded to Los Zapatistas and his 8 year streak without finishing in the money has Calvin Ridley questioning his will to live.  The loss knocks SMBR out of first place and moves LZ all the way into still not in the playoffs.  Maybe Brandon Yuk! can help the fill the void left by Ridley.  Although LZ's schedule gets easier the rest of the way, with only two current playoff squads left on the schedule but that final game of the season with Hardcore Cabinet with LZ's playoff life on the likely line looms large, especially seeing that Kyler Murray and Cooper Kupp play on Monday Night. 

Power Rankings

1. HC 70-34

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2. TC 64-40

3. BNE 61-43

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4. SMBR 59-45

5.BG 58-46

6. CB 57-47

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7. EBD 51-53

8. BCC 50-54

9. LZ 49-55

10. TS 47-57

11. BL 46-58

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12. ODS 42-62

13. IS 41-63

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14. $$$ 33-71

Tinker Stinkers continues their run of amazing luck as they are 5 spots higher than statistically they should be. While Blue Gatorade and Big Cat should be two spots higher.

Pick em Results

RM and LZ went 5-2 and LZ would have won had they not spite picked Dollars.  EBD went 1-1, but the worst record of the week % wise was SMBR, BG, and IS who went 2-5.  Week 9 picks here    

Yahoo Medals has SMBR repeatedly in the lead and Big Cat in rear.  Check out your medal count here.

Week 9 Matchups are our third straight week of without many top teams facing each other.  

The Game of the Week I guess is 4 SMBR vs 8 Eh Bid Dude

2 HC vs 10 BCC

12 ODS vs 1 TC

3 BNE vs 14 IS

7 BG vs 9 LZ

11 BL vs 4 RM

Toilet Bowl of the Week  13 $$$ vs 5 TS

Good to everyone this week as the season heads into the second half.