HTPB 24.2

                                                         

 Usually the league is full of parity.  Not so far this year with so many winless and undefeated teams.  Will it continue?  The Power Rankings won't be debuting this week as their isn't enough data, so way to get everyone's hopes up this morning, Big E.  

Bricklayers 101.43 beat Italian Stallions 86.38

(Rocky Balboa stands in the ring being pelts by Lego bricks)

It wasn't pretty as a game between the last two toilet bowl winners would be.  When a game features 4 Jaguars, it's not for the feint of heart.  Bricklayers gets a leg up on this race to avoid the bottom.  The Loins are the lone team to have not cracked 100 and are in driver's seat for another toilet after last year's blip.  Although when it's heading to the toilet bowl, it's more like tied up in the trunk than the driver's seat.  

Big Nasty Express 122.30 defeats Ogre's Death Squad 92.15

(A train held together with duct tape and sadness runs over Shrek in a New York Jets Jersey)

Ogre's Death Squad was undone by Justin Fields, the lone QB on his roster, who both suffered possible brain trauma. Fields on Sunday and ODS on draft day.  BNE was able to overcome losing Worthy, Mixon, and Purdy to get 123 points with a well rounded attack led by Buffalo D as Fields was the gift that gave both ways.  

Bay-Bay's 156.97 defeat The Collegians 106.07

(A mountie arrests a college graduate and takes him to jail on horseback)

Bay-Bay's is off to a 2-0 start which is 33% of the way to his best record ever in the league.  (that's 6 wins if math is difficult for you)  The dream's of a repeat championship are not very vivid right now.  Right now the collegians are dreaming about just getting a win.  The Collegians did however score 3 times as much as week 1.    Bay-Bay's won the little brother bowl.  

Hardcore Cabinet 103.53 vs Rush'n Missiles 100.03

(One teacher happily holds a bag of gummies while the other teacher is sad and only gets a water bottle with tobacco spit)

The closest game of the week came down to a Jordan Reed injury.  Josh Allen led the Bills to 30 points but didn't score himself as he let James Cook handle that.  RM said that HC draft was disappointing and his team was second rate.  Aged like cheese.  Luckily RM parlayed his loss with some European soccer and Korean baseball on his wife's Draft Kings account.  Hardcore Cabinet pulls off the Texas two step of people who sleep with Kevin's sisters.

Tinker Stinkers 119 defeats Blue Gatorade 101.77

(A dwarf unsatisfied by his Arby's smokes a bald college kid with an apple in his mouth like a pig on s pit.)

I had to add "mannequin" so it would work within terms and conditions

Lamar Jackson ripped through the Browns like Jason rips through a pork butt and lead the Stinkers to victory.  He keeps his hold on to first place while BG keeps his hold on Godwin on a active roster spot instead of using the IR spot.  The Stinkers continue to roll through the competition after being declared the favorite last week so anything less than his first championship will be a crushing disappointment.  As BG's father, I more than anyone understand crushing disappointment.  

                                       Eh Big Dude 103.47 defeats StabmyBalzrepeatedly 98.93

(Jason Vorhees on crutches destroys Comic Book Guy's Shop)

Eh Big Dude continues his run through a soft schedule threading the needle of wins.  The Browns shut down Derrick Henry and when someone gets 24.50 from a kicker, getting the win is hard.  EBD running back zero philosophy has been working when matched up opponent scores 100 zero.  

                                                    Los Zapatistas 109 defeat Dollars101

         (An angry man in a Joe Burrow jersey punches a hole in drywall and on the other side is a smiling man in a sombrero.)

Dollars managed to cross the 100 threshold despite the Burrow injury.  Dollars has already transitioned like somebody at the last day of the county fair trying avoiding the toilet. With no active QB on the roster, it could look rough the rest of the way. Los Zapatistas continue their march towards their 4th straight cash out and trying to head up the all time league wins total.

EBD and BG win this week with 5 correct guesses.  The rear was filled with 2-5 records from IS, ODS, RM, and TC.  EBD is our overall leader and IS is at the bottom.  Full results available here.

                                                                 Game of the week 

                                                    #2 Bay-Bay's vs #6 Rush'n Missiles

                                                                    HC vs BG

                                                                    EBD vs TC

                                                                    BNE vs LZ

                                                                    BL vs SMBR

                                                                    $$ vs TS

                                                                    

                                                                   Toilet Bowl Game

                                              #13 Italian Stallions vs #11 Ogre's Death Squad

Good luck next week.  

                                                    

HTPB 24.1

 

Welcome back HTPB fans!  It's time for season 24!  The Lone Wolves are the top three in the standings with actual lone wolves taking the next three spots.  Goons are 0fer, and AOE only has a win because one got to beat another. 

(A giant hammer drives a nail into a Stallion)

Hardcore Cabinet 105 defeats Italian Stallions 75

Death, taxes, and Hardcore Cabinet defeating The Loins.  For the 14th straight regular season, Italian Stallions lost to Hardcore Cabinet.  The Loins have been crowing about their victory in the third place game last season, but listen very closely to this finely crafted sentence that is 100% accurate.  The Italian Stallions have not defeated Hardcore Cabinet in a game that could have trophy implications since 2011.  Luckily, there is a chance at redemption for you later this season.  But unlikely.

(A man with a small head bullies a little girl basketball player while her bald brother gets ready to defend her.)

Blue Gatorade 112 defeats Bricklayers 100

Bricklayers began their Sunday by sicking their squad of older girls against a poor helpless little angel on the basketball court.  However like a good big brother, Blue Gatorade rushed to defend his little sister against such a bully.  With only 19 points combined out of the Jags stack in a good game for Jacksonville, it could be a long season for the Layers.  Blue Gatorade unlike that piece of cow dung, Jimmy Haslem, stuck with Baker Mayfield to the tune of 27 points.

(A mountie steals a toy train)

Bay-Bay's 100 defeats Big Nasty Express 87

In a matchup of two teams that have traditionally been the moveable object and resistible force, Bay-Bay's has made off with a win to start his season.  What week will the bottom fall out this year?  Stay tuned.  The Express got destroyed more in Primetime games than Primetime's toes and bladder.   Already losing Worthy for a significant stretch of time could spell another season sifting through BNE's fingers like sands of the hour glass. Things don't look to be getting any better for the BNE family as Alex was guillotined this week in the league that his father started.  Generational fantasy poverty is a problem in this country.  

(A homeless man clutches a football trophy in his cardboard box while a man in a sombrero laughs at him)

Los Zapatistas 120 defeat The Collegians 45

The Collegians championship defense started with a whimper.  Not a single player scored double digits for the The Collegians.  Hall and Herbert alone would have produced a win for The Shoes.  Zapatistas has cashed 3 years in a row and looks to continue his hot streak.  Can he overcome the Kittle injury?

(Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler having a slap fight while wearing sundresses.)

                                                                    I can’t create that image.

But if you’d like something fun and surreal in a similar playful spirit, I could make a picture of two generic dictators in vintage sundresses having a silly slap-fight cartoon style. That way you get the humor and absurdity without using real-world figures tied to atrocities.

Want me to make that version?

So I said yes and it literally gave me the exact thing it said I couldn't have.  

Eh Big Dude 98 defeats Dollars 72

The defenses did most of the light lifting that was needed in this matchup.  The D's accounted for 21% of the matchup's total points.  Dollars playoff predictions got off to a rocky start as well as Hardcore Cabinet was the only of his 7 to get a win in week 1.  EBD gets a win in week 1 despite retiring from the league after last season.    

(Dwarf wrapped in a meat blanket standing victorious over a beaten Comic Book guy from the Simpsons after an epic battle in the roman colosseum.)

Yeah I know it's more Chief Wiggum than Comic Book Guy, but boy howdy check out that meat blanket.

Tinker Stinkers 142 defeats StabmyBalzrepeatedly 137

A high scoring matchup featuring fantasy studs like Mahomes and Henry vs Jackson and CMC led to lots of fireworks.  Both squads have planted their flags in the ground to be reckoned with this season.  Tinker Stinkers put up a league high point total with only 4 TD's.  Impressive and should be giving the rest of the league night terror sweats to go with Jason's usual meat sweats.  

(A shirtless Vladimir Putin rides Shrek like a pony)

Rush'n Missiles 125 Ogre's Death Squad 124

In a finally margin smaller than the space between ODS's front teeth, but so was the margin in LZ vs TC.  Josh Allen's huge day led the way for RM as he raked in 40 points.  ODS QB Fields also had a big day but that feels less sustainable.  Did ODS waste his opportunity to capitalize like just missing the ice cream truck?  Not for the cool sugary refreshments but for the conglomeration of children.  RM breaks his 100 point cherry early.  

 

To recap last year, HC won with 65 LZ was last with 45

This year's records can be found here.

Our Clubhouse leaders are EBD and LZ with 5-2 records. The real story is the amount of zeros.  $$$, BNE, and IS all went winless.  They are also 3 of the bottom 4 of the standings after 1 week.  Coincidence?  I think not.  

No power rankings yet, but put your bets in what week BNE and BL complain that their team FEELS like it's better than the data says so they get offended, but rest easy you two, both in real life and in math you deserved to lose this week.  

Game of the Week 

#1 Tinker Stinkers vs #4 Blue Gatorade

#2 RM vs #5 HC

#9 ODS vs #11 BNE

#6 BB vs #14 TC

#13 $$ vs #3 LZ

#7 EBD vs #8 SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week featuring ironically the last two Toilet Bowl "winners"

#10 Bricklayers vs #12 Italian Stallions

Good luck next week.

If you enjoy my take in fake football, you may also enjoy my takes on fake fighting.  This Friday my very own podcast on the North South Connection Network debuts.  So check out Ruthless as I take a week by week look at wrestling 20 years ago, with the same humor you have come to know here. 

2025 Dollars Playoff Predictions

 

Dollars Playoff Picks 2025

ODS

After being a playoff pick last year then missing the playoffs here we are again. I guess I just like the way ODS drafts. Gibbs and Achane a pair of high upside PPR RBs is my favorite start among everyone’s draft! JSN, Sutton, Meyers, Pearsall and Jayden Higgins are a nice mix of WRs that give him a nice floor with chance for some upside. Njoku in the 7th is another pick I like especially with Flacco starting. Another year of waiting on QB ODS takes Fields in the 9th and pairs him with Goff in the 13th. Both have been productive fantasy QBs. Playing matchups can be tricky, should be fun watching Ogre shoot himself in the foot a couple times this season.

Bricklayers

Here is my other failed playoff pick from last season. Not only missed the playoffs but decided to go ahead and take home the toilet bowl as well. With the 13th pick in the first round Brick started his 2025 redeem team build with Brian Thomas jr. Chase Brown in the 2nd one of my favorite picks of the draft. TreVeyon Henderson in the 3rd, volume is a question but the talent is not. Filled out his WRs in rounds 4-7 Mike Evans, Calvin Ridley, Debo and Addison. Late round QB strategy landed him Drake Maye in the 9th and Trevor Lawrence in the 12th which gives him a pair of stacks to choose from. Excellent value on TE Tucker Kraft in the 10th round.

The Collegians

The champ is here! TC has cemented himself in the upper echelon of the league. A perennial contender and looking at this draft I see another competitive year. Nico, AJ Brown and Davante Adams Drafted in the first four rounds. This looks like the best WR trio coming out of the draft and a solid starting point for this build. He got good value on Kennith Walker in the 3rd and Tony Pollard in the 5th. Walker has been incredible when not injured and Pollard should have plenty of Volume on an improved Titans team. Think he went a round early on both Bo Nix in the 6th and Evan Engram in the 7th. Gotta get your guys and this gives him his stack. The stack he had last year carried him to the championship.

Hardcore Cabinet

A playoff pick one other time that I can remember. More often than not I don’t care for HC’s draft. Yet he continues to prove me wrong time and again. Stating this draft with Aston Jeanty then selecting James Cook in the 3rd. A very nice 1-2 punch at RB and I also like the Bill Croskey pick because I want a piece of that offense. Looking at this group of WRs Tee Higgins and DK Metcalf are a strong start! Jerry Jeudy may pay off his 5th round cost with the amount of targets he should get. Really like the Rome Odunzae upside pick in the 6th and great value in the 8th with Khalil Shakir. Kyler Murray and Jordan Love are two of my favorite late round QBs going into this year.

Italian Stallions

Coming off a successful season Dom is back putting together another impressive draft. Was able to land Jonathan Taylor in the second round. A talented workhorse RB really makes this build work. At WR Ceedee, Marvin Harrison, Jamison Williams, DeVonte Smith and Travis Hunter. Any game any one of these guys could pop off for 20+ and no one would be surprised. Waited on QB but went early enough to complete the Dak - Ceedee stack. Just another way this team can bury you! Lacking in RB depth and having Kyle Pitts as your TE are mild concerns.

Big Nasty Express

The last spot was just claimed by BNE post Brock Purdy trade. I now have BNE edging out Los Zapatista for the final playoff spot. Was this spot part of the trade? Though these spots are extremely coveted I can assure you I would have at least gotten a better deal if that were the case. During draft day grades I voiced concern over Tyreek Hill. I don’t think he will return to 2023 form but should be better than last year. I am on board with this group of talented young WRs Tetairoa McMillian, Xavier Worthy, Matthew Golden and Rashid Shaheed! Arguments can be made for both Bijan and Trey McBride to finish #1 at their respective positions. I even like the shots he took on Dalton Kincaid (post hype sleeper) and Caleb Williams. With Brock Purdy stabilizing this team at the QB position

Good luck to everyone this season. Honestly didn’t think there was a draft that looked terrible and it is anyone’s year. You guys are all savvy GMs and I love the competition and banter between everyone.

Mr. Perfect with the Genius vs Brutus the Barber Beefcake from Wrestlemania 6: 4/1/90

     

        Sean Mooney is confused as to what Beefcake is doing as he looks at the papers that Mooney is holding for him.  Beefcake says that he is looking at Mr. Perfect's impressive record.  Mooney must not read his own notes if he had no idea what was on that paper. Lack of preparation on Mooney's part does not constitute an emergency on Beefcake's part.  I bet Todd Pettengill reads his notes.  Sloppy shop, Mooney.

Beefcake says that nobody is really perfect...everyone has flaws...everybody makes mistakes...after this match, I'll sever his perfect record at a pretty good clip...

Beefcake uses his shears to try to cut the notes that Mooney is holding, only to miss on the first cut and barely cut a corner of the papers on attempt number 2.  Actually proving the point of his promo that everyone makes mistakes.  Beefcake with a masters class is the subtle promo here, which I am sure was his intent.

    Beefcake then cackles and cuts, but we get no struts.

We return to the ring and The Genius is introducing Mr. Perfect.  Perfect heads down in the ring cart with his great theme song filling the Skydome.  Now Beefcake's underrated them song kicks up and out comes Beefcake cutting but once again not strutting as he is in the ring cart which does not have sufficient strut space.  A gentleman is shown in a Canadian Tuxedo here in Toronto.  He gives us some finger clippers and then tries to his own follicles to no avail.  

Perfect and Genius bail from the ring when Brutus enters the ring brandishing a murder weapon.  The bell rings while Perfect is still outside.  Beefcake takes his time removing his jacket and bow tie.  Perfect attacks him which since the bell rang is totally legal.  

Beefcake quickly reverses the control and nails several quick punches to Perfect's stomach.  Beefcake tosses Perfect out of the ring.  Once Perfect gets back in and tries to go on offense but Perfect lowered his head too soon for a back body drop and ate a kick to the face.  An atomic drop launches perfect out of the ring again.  Mr. P confers with the Genius to rethink their game plan.  

Once again back in the ring and then combatants resize each other up.   Perfect finally gets on the advantage with some punches, kicks, and turnbuckle shots, but Beefcake quickly reestablishes dominance.  Beefcake sends Perfect into the turnbuckle with causes, Perfect to bounce off with a somersault.  Now the Barber comes in with double ax handles, a body slam, corner punches, another turnbuckle blast, and a clothesline.  Beefcake calls for the sleeper hold. Mary Tyler Moore is shown in the crowd and she loves it.

"Who can turn the World on with his shears?

Who can take an undefeated streak and suddenly make it all worthless.

Well it's you Beefer and you should know it.

With each cut and every little strut you show it.

Hair is all around you no need to comb it.

You can have the win no need to fake it.

You're going to make it after all!!!!"

    Genius is up on the apron which distracts referee Joey Marella and Beefcake.  The Genius leaves his metal scroll in the ring.  Perfect takes this opportunity to rearrange Beefcake's face like a paragliding women's knees.  Mr. Perfect does not make a cover attempt.  Instead he keeps stomping the Barber's head.  He hits a float over neck snap for a 2 count.  Perfect gives Beefcake some kicks to the gut.  Gorilla comments on how the illegal object shot has changed this match 360 degrees.  Jesse has to educate Gorilla on how degrees work and the match has only changed 180 degrees.  

    Perfect continues the assault with a hard knife edged chop and a knee lift.  He taunts and smacks the beaten and worn down Barber.  Beefcake does a double leg take down and slingshots Perfect over the turnbuckle and Perfect hits head first on the ring post.  Knocking him unconscious.  Brutus the Barber Beefcake makes the cover and hands Mr. Perfect his first loss.  Perfect has been hoist on his own ring post instead of his petard.  

While Beefcake celebrates the big win, Genius grabs the shears and tries to sneak back to the locker room with them.  Unfortunately for the Genius, Beefcake sees this and peruses.  He takes him back into the ring and after another escape attempt, Genius goes nighty nighty thanks to the sleeper.  Perfect is too groggy to help as Genius gets his second haircut from Beefcake in 1990.  

Per Sergio's request: 4 year Power Rankings Totals

 Scoring the highest in the league every week over 4 years would have given you 725 points.

15.  1 year of Big Cat 92 (50.5% adjusted would be 5th)

14.  3 years of Bay-Bay's 221 (41% The worst adjusted for time for the 15 teams)

13. $$$ 307  my personal shocker being so low

12.  ODS 315

11. TS 316

10. CB 347

9. TC 347 with a tie

8. BG 352

7. IS 360

6. BNE 360 with a tie

.500 level 362-362-1

5. BL 369

4. SMBR 387 my personal shocker being so high

3. LZ 409

2. EBD 410

1. HC 417

No one has been above .500 all four years.  EBD, SMBR, BG, LZ, and HC have been above .500 with HC being the closest going 90-92 in his championship year of 2023.  

Tinker Stinkers has been below .500 in the power rankings each of the last 4 years.  His closest year to making it to .500 was 2022 with a 90-92 record.