Ruthless C Shows WWE Velocity 10/18/2003 & WWE Heat pre No Mercy Edition 10/19/2003

                                               

                         Check out this week's breakdown of Raw & Smackdown in audio form here.

                                      

         Tonight we have Tazz and Josh Mathews on commentary.  Unfortunately Tazz tells us this is his last Velocity and a new color commentator will start next week.  He will go out with a bang as we will get into later.  Stay Tuned.

                                                                    Match #1 

                                                        A-Train vs Orlando Jordan

Train starts with knees to the gut. Jordan slides out of a powerslam and they trade strikes.  Orlando gets caught off the top with bicycle kick to the stomach.  Train lands a serious of heavy strikes.  He locks in an inverted full nelson and then drops to his knees in an impressive looking move.  Train locked in a neck vise after a snap mare.  OJ turns inside out on a slam to get a flash pin attempt.  Inziguri to the A-Train's midsection, quick jabs. Jordan's offense is short lived because he runs into a back elbow. Jordan does get his feet up on a Vader bomb.  Train misses a charge into a rollup attempt by Jordan who hits two dropkicks.  Train hits a powerful clothesline and finishes Jordan off with the Train Wreck in 4:15 (**)

Match #2

Matt Hardy with Shannon Moore vs Funaki 

During the entrances Tazz gives us a parting gift of a rant complaining about Pamela Anderson attacking Kentucky Fried Chicken over killing chickens.  Tazz goes into how you got to kill them before you can eat them and then goes after a plastic shortage because Pam Anderson, "Ya know the one with the real big hammers.", has used it all up.  Just Tazz enjoying nobody paying attention to Velocity.

Matt Fact #1 Matt still has his tonsils.

Matt Fact #2 Matt dreads winter time.

Matt starts with lots of strikes, til Funaki takes an irish whip and turns it into a head scissors.  Hardy hits a side effect and tosses Funaki outside so Shannon Moore can ram his spine into the ring.  Matt does a powerslam and then locks in an abdominal stretch. Funaki drives Hardy into the corner for some shoulders to the midsection, but Moore trips him. Hardy misses a corner splash and Funaki hits on a bulldog as Hardy stumbles out.  Funaki reverses a powerslam attempt into a reverse DDT.  Funaki hits the Rising Sun which is a reverse tornado DDT out of the corner.  Funaki can't make the cover quickly so Hardy is able to kick out at 2.  Moore hops up on the apron.  Hardy reverses a whip and goes for the Twist of Fate, but Funaki shoves him away towards Shannon.  Matt puts on the brakes and Funaki charges.  Hardy evades him, so Funaki collides with Moore.  Funaki turns right into the Twist of Fate and Matt gets the three count in 5:11 (**)  This is the last television match for the V-1 character.  

Match #3

Ultimo Dragon vs Joey Matthews 

They trade positioning attempts until Mathews gets a rollup for 2.  He super celebraters with struts.  He goes on the attack with knees and chops.  Dragon catches Matthews with a leg sweep, series of kicks, and drop kick.  Matthews bails and Dragon pursues, which allows Matthew to pull Dragon's feet out from under him and crack his chin on the apron.  Mathews throws him back into the ring and connects with a top rope clothesline.  He locks in a neck vise.  Dragon rolls through and gets a kick to the face, but Matthew is quick to put him down with a neck breaker and goes back to the vise.  Ultimo gets out with a corner springboard jaw breaker, back body drop, spin heel kick combination for 2 count.  A big kick to the chest after a roll through by Dragon.  He misses a springboard dive which lets Matthews drop him for a 2 count and then a body slam.  Matthews gets caught on a top rope dive with a drop kick.  Asai DDT seals the victory for Dragon in 5:13. (2.25)

Match #4

APA vs FBI (Nunzio and Chuck Palumbo)

The FBI tries to sneak attack with chairs in the aisle but get intercepted.  Faarooq scrambles Palumbo's brains with a chair. Nunzio scoots away towards the ring begging for mercy.  Just like tomorrow's pay per view event, there will be No Mercy.  Bradshaw throws him into the steps.  He tosses Nunzio into the ring and the match is on as the bell rings.  Last Call fallaway slam to Nunzio.  Quickly tags in Faarooq to lands some hard forearms.  Nunzio tries to escape the ring but gets dragged back in.  Faarooq hits a powerslam and a back breaker.  Bradshaw is in to join in on a double shoulder block and power bomb.  Faarooq is back in for a spine buster.  Faarooq holds up Nunzio's corpse for a Clothesline from Hell.  Bradshaw hits him with a second one.  Faarooq pins Nunzio with a single hand in 4:03.  (1/2*)

Bradshaw grabs the microphone, "Nunzio, don't take that personal. You're just the first but you won't be the last.  Bashams, the APA was just fine sitting in our office drinking beer and playing cards, when you tried to make your name off of us.  I tell you what you just got a bunch of people's asses whipped.  We will not discriminate.  I don't care if you're black, brown, white, purple, or green.  Man, woman, or child.  Heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. We will knock your ass out."

That's it for Velocity stay tuned for Confidential, we shall miss thee, Tazz.  

This episode is dedicated in loving memory of Stu Hart.  

Our pre No Mercy Heat is hosted by Josh Matthews and a young lady only known as Rue. Fun fact those two get married.  It lasts for a whole two years of wedded bliss. 

Rue only one name like Cher

The show is mostly pay per view hype videos but we do get a Big Show interview with Michael Cole where he talks about how fecal matter has been falling out of his ears for 10 days and he is going to destroy Eddie Guerrero today. 

Tazz interview the Basham brothers who lament the loss of Shaniqua the source of their sexual desires and challenge the APA tonight at the pay per view.  Based on Bradshaw's promo at the end of Velocity.  I assume they will accept.  

 

Match #1

Shannon Moore vs Billy Kidman

Cole and Tazz are commentary for this as we won't get to see if the enigma know as Rue can call a match.  They trade go behinds, Kidman gets a head scissors and sends Moore outside.  Moore ducks a baseball slide by Kidman and throws him into the barricade in a fun spot.  Moore hits a back suplex and locks in a neck vice.  He converts over to a leg lariat to the back of the head, body slam and locks in a back stretch.  Kidman gets a desperation drop kick to put both men down.  Kidman is up with a flying forearm, back body drop, and clothesline that drops Moore in the corner.  Kidman hits a baseball slide directly into Moore's yambag as Tazz says, which for some reason isn't a DQ.  Kidman goes for a suplex by Moore lands on his feet and hits spinning neck breaker.  Kidman attempts a turnbuckle assisted bulldog but Moore counters with a drop toe hold into the 2nd turnbuckle.  Moore nails a corkscrew moonsault for a false finish.  Moore throws a tantrum, this allows Kidman enough time to recover, hit an enziguri, drag Moore to the corner, and climb to the top to attempt a 450. Moore intercepts on the top Kidman wins the battle and comes down with a BK bomb to pick up the win in 5:14. (***)

We find out that heat will be moved to Saturday night at 7 next week.  We aren't told what will air in it's place. We get a promo package for the Lesnar vs Undertaker chain match main event and we go off the air transitioning to No Mercy.  

  

HTPB 24.8

                                                        

                                It was rematch week in HTPB.  Revenge was served in 5 out of 7 matchups as only BNE and TC could get no satisfaction. 

    

                                            Ogre's Death Squad 97 defeats Rush' n Missiles 74

(Shrek and Vladimir Putin try to outrun an avalanche of fecal matter but Putin gets caught in it)

Rush 'N Missiles have now lost 3 in a row.  It drops him out of the top 7. Is it for know or for ever?  The Death Squad's and his gross feet were led by the talented foot of Chris Boswell's 22.  Justin Fields continued to haunt ODS as his performance led to a negative 1 from the Bengals defense.  

Los Zapatistas 143 defeat The Collegians 99

(A man in a sombrero tries to corral bratty kids in a sports bar with a Browns game on, while a man in a cap and gown cries in his beer.)

Los Zapatistas managed to win by over 40 points while starting a gentleman named Luther Burden the Third, who may be a receiver for the Bears or a third level German Oligarch.  Either way he got -1 yards.  The Collegians receiver core was decimated by injuries and poor performances. This game was over on Thursday but waiting til Sunday to be official.  The Collegians are the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde team for 2025.

StabmyBalzRepeatedly 95 defeats Tinker Stinkers 93

(A small man holds a picture of Lamar Jackson and cries, while Comic Book Guy holds a picture of Patrick Mahomes and smiles.)

CMC finally couldn't overcome the lack of any other players on the 49ers offense and couldn't lift Tinker Stinkers without Lamar.  Is this two game slide a bump in the road or cracks in the foundation?  The SMBR revenge tour for tough luck games in full force, climbing back to just a .500 mark despite only scoring less than 100 points once on the season.  

Bay-Bay's 112 defeat Big Nasty Express 79

(A Mountie has successfully commandeered a train and waves his hat to celebrate.)

Bay-Bay's overcome a zero from Quentin Johnson which is easy to do when you are playing BNE who hasn't broken 80 in a fortnight.  It's also easy to do when you get 8 TD from other places on the roster as BB did.  If BB can manage to defeat just BG and BL the rest of the way it will be their greatest season ever.  Big Nasty Express continues to plummet in the standings and continues to struggle with this concept of drafting your own winning team.  BNE was so bloody and beaten he looked like a precooked brisket. 

Bricklayers 131 defeat Blue Gatorade 103

(A man made of bricks shoves a bald kid's head into a golden toilet.)

Blue Gatorade took one giant step forward towards getting a well deserved toilet bowl trophy.  Chase Brown led the way for the Layers with 23 and Tucker Kraft has been the most consistent player for them this season.  It's a good thing Layers got this win as they only play one more team who would not currently be in the playoffs, the rest of the way.  Blue Gatorade has lost 7 in a row and desperately tries to find two more wins this season to avoid a failure year. 

Italian Stallions 139 defeat Hardcore Cabinet 129

(A majestic and powerful stallion leaps successfully over a canyon being perused by cabinets that fall into the canyon like lemmings.)

The Loins exercised the demons and defeated Hardcore Cabinet.  It took a Herculean effort from Johnathan Taylor (40) and Tampa (37).  The QB's only combing for 8 points in a game that had almost 270 points is quite the statistical anomaly. The trade the Loins made to try to get the win this week actually hurt him as both players inserted into the lineup scored less than the players they replaced, So Dan might need to take some remedial Canadian math class. While the streak may be over, since Hardcore Cabinet won in week 1, HC has beaten IS every year from 2012 until today and that streak lives on.  Just when you thought it was safe, Dom!  Hardcore Cabinet's current streak without a loss bitch is Rush 'N Missiles who HC has beaten in every matchup for 4 years which includes 6 games.  

Dollars 107 defeats Eh Big Dude 102

(A male nurse in dollar sign scrubs shampoos Jason Vorhees hair with a bottle of Vidal Sasoon while on his hospital tray is a delicious meal of crow.)

Eh Bid Dude crowed about his Vidal play of Thursday while Allen and Mason struggled for Dollars, this hubris had to play into EBD decision to take on some players on bye this week in a trade thinking his win was sewn up. Rashee Rice (another player traded away by EBD) had other ideas on Monday Night as he led the come from behind win.  Dollars has managed to piece together a solid 4-4 record despite Joe Burrow's toe being the most upsetting pedal digit this side of Big E.  His playoff picks on the other hand have not recovered with only 2 teams currently in (HC/ODS)

Pick em this week was a three way tie between BNE, IS, and SMBR with 4 correct picks.  HC and BG were in last place with 2-5 records.  EBD remains in the overall lead and $$ stays in the basement.  Check out your total results here.

We have a new king of the league!

Por mi parte, doy la bienvenida a nuestro nuevo señor mexicano.

1. LZ 72-32

2. TS 71-33

3. SMBR 62-42

4. RM 58-46

5. TC 58-46

6. EBD 52-52

7. HC 52-52

8. ODS 51-53

9. $$ 50-54

10. IS 48-56

11. BB 46-58

12. BL 42-62

13. BNE 40-64

14. BG 26-78

Hardcore Cabinet has been the luckiest and The Collegians have been the unluckiest.

While still too early for detailed odds to make much sense, here is a quick overview

safe bets LZ, TS, SMBR, HC

The morass in the middle ODS, RM, EBD, BB

Still a fighting chance TC, $$, BNE

It would be a miracle IS, BL

GTFO BG

Game of the Week

#1 Los Zapatistas vs #3 Tinker Stinker 

#2 HC vs #13 BL

#4 ODS vs #6 BB

#10 BNE vs #9 $$

#5 EBD vs #8 RM

#7 SMBR vs #11 TC

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#14 Blue Gatorade vs #12 Italian Stallions

Good Luck and Happy Halloween!

HTPB 24.7

                                                         

                            The Loins got their first win! The Wolves got swept! Let's take a look.

                                            Italian Stallions 129 defeat Big Nasty Express 76

A Stallion wins finally wins a race against red bearded balding backwoods men on all fours

After a month and half the Stallions finally got a touchdown from his top draft pick and finally got a win.  He also cashed in on Johnathan Taylor's third 3 TD game of the season.  His usual poo platter of receivers combined for 50 points.  It was enough to finally give the winless Loins their first win. There is a dark cloud hanging over the Loins however as Hardcore Cabinet looms next week, the Loins have not defeated the Cabinet since the first Obama administration. BNE got 25 points out of tight end and failed to break 80.  Bijan added 18 but no other Express member broke the 7 point threshold.

Dollars 106 defeats Blue Gatorade 82

A male nurse with scrubs decorated in Dollar bills, checks in a on bald college kid with a negative prognosis who is attached to an IV of Blue Gatorade.

Blue Gatorade is finally where he belong, in dead fucking last.  Can he get a couple of lucky wins to leave the toilet trophy to Bricklayers again this year?  Despite 21 points form Olave, BG scored under 100 for the 5th straight week.  Saquon Barkley continues to struggle as well, scoring 13 points combined in the last two games.  For BG's sake, maybe all of his players with the red letters can return. Dollars lost his second QB to a foot injury this season, as who would have ever predicted feet would give Dollars anything but a boner.  I have decided to not mention Dollars selling Chase before the game of the season, although Rice did have a really good game. 

StabmyBalzrepeatedly 118 defeats Ogre's Death Squad 114

Justin Fields in a scream mask sneaks up on Shrek standing next a windowless van that is spray painting with the message free candy and hugs

Ogre's Death Squad can't quit Justin Fields in a Brokeback mountain situation.  He was almost able to overcome it with 54 points Monday night from JSN and Gibbs.  SMBR has ridden the newly once again explosive Patrick Mahomes to 2 straight wins.  With his 2nd highest point total in the league, SMBR will be a force to be reckoned with during the home stretch.  

Eh Big Dude 147 defeats Bricklayers 105

A large tree that grows Jamar Chase like fruit looms over a homeless man with hair gelled up dragging a golden toilet by a chain. 

The franchise collapse of Bricklayers continues, since gagging an undefeated season into a 3rd place finish, the Bricklayers have yet to make the playoffs again, won a toilet, and are in contention to make it back to back, and allowed his record of three titles to be tied by two other franchises who could pass him up this year.   Eh Bid Dude felt no remorse and stepped on the neck of his fallen AOE partner.  Jamar Chase at least mercifully ended it Thursday night with approximately 58 targets.  

Bay-Bay's 119 defeats Los Zapatistas 95

Adam Cole wearing a Canadian Flag like a cape defeats a Luchador known as "The Shoes"

Roster mismanagement came to call for Los Zapatistas.  He stupidly played someone who was out for the year and should have seen that mid game injury coming.    Bay-Bay's took a victory lap that nobody picked him but he only picked two other games correctly himself.  Bay-Bay's does however continue to pick up wins at a rate never seen before in franchise history.  If BB's can go 3-4 down the stretch it will be greatest season in franchise history! 

Hardcore Cabinet 96 defeats Tinker Stinkers 95

Hardcore Cabinet continues to be kryptonite to the wolves.  HC continues to be unbeaten against the trio who have been running roughshod over the rest of the league.  Just seeing HC causes both TS and RM to have their worst performance of the year and piss down their legs in fear.    Tinker Stinkers played both McCaffery brothers, Jeremy McCaffery for the niners came through in dominating fashion with 36 alpha brother points.  Jason McCaffery for the commanders came in with a beta bro level 4 points all earned on special teams.  The game came down to 14th round pick defense New England outscoring top picked defense by 25.

The Collegians 154 defeat Rush 'n Missiles 127

(A college graduate holds a sign that says I love bo-ners in front of Joesph Stalin, Nikita Khrushev, and Vladamir Putin.)

Not exactly what I wanted but I think the picture is funny.

Led by the unlikely duo of 4th quarter Bo-ner and the Cleveland Browns, the Collegians scored the highest points in the league this week.  If RM was told that on Allen's bye week he would receive 36 points for Stafford, RM would have assumed he was well on his way to victory.  Well RM would have been as wrong as he is ringless.  Not like the Collegians, who you may not have realized won the league last year.  

On a week where Yahoo predictions went 2-5, EBD, HC, SMBR, TC, and IS managed to go 4-3.  This increased EBD overall season lead.  BG sucks all aspects again this week with a back to back 1-6 pick em record.  Although he is not last overall as that honor belongs to Dollars.

Despite the bad week, still alone at the top

1. Tinker Stinkers 71-20

Really good squads

2. LZ 59-32

3. RM 57-34

4. TC 54-37

5. SMBR 53-38

Nice teams

6. ODS 48-43

7. EBD 47-44

Can't be discounted

8. $$ 43-48

9. HC 42-49

Not good

10. BB 38-53

11. BNE 38-53

12. IS 36-55

Bad 

13. BL 31-60

Blue Gatorade

14. 20-71

Looking at the remaining schedules, every team plays 3 or 4 teams in the top 7 of the power rankings.  The two that don't....Dollars has 5 games left against the best and The Collegians only has 2. 

It's Rematch Week!  The winner of the week 1 game is in ALL CAPS.

Game of the Week

#5 RUSH 'N MISSILES vs #6 Ogre's Death Squad 

#1 HC vs #12 is

#7 BB vs #8 bne

#11 dollars vs #4 EBD

really wish my keyboard had the cents symbol

#3 LZ vs  #10 tc

#9 smbr vs #2 TS

The Toilet Bowl matchup possibly of the year

#14 BLUE GATORADE vs #13 bricklayers

Most of the matchups are have vs have nots.  The playoff picture could start to look a lot clearer one week from today. 

HTPB 24.6

                                            

The league has clearly separated into have and have nots in the standings with Bay-Bay's right where he likes it, sandwiched between several guys.  Will this hold until playoff time?

StabmyBalzRepeatedly 147 defeats BayBay's 67

(A comic Book Guy spanks a mountie with a rolled up comic book)

What can be said about Bay-Bay's performance this week that hasn't already been said about leprosy.  Jalen Hurts scored almost a third of his points while Mahomes and Dowdle would have won the game on their own.  Bay-Bay's would have needed The Guardian to even have a chance.   Despite falling to .500 on the year, BB's in on pace for their best season in franchise history.  Yes .500 would be the best season in history, but we have a odd number of games and the nose is clearly pointed downward.  SMBR is one of the league leaders in points and has only managed two wins.  

Hardcore Cabinet 83 defeats The Collegians 78

(An old timey villian in the vein of Snively Whiplash steals candy from two babies, one is bald and one is a graduation cap and gown.)

In a disgusting slog of a game, HC was led by a Jeanty's 16 points.    After a real hot start, Hardcore are crashed back to Earth with a thud.  Baker was stolen for a bag of beans but then not played, but had Baker been used HC would have still only scored 90.  The Collegians season has been a reverse poop sandwich with the crap being the bread and the center being good.  Like a KFC double down sandwich made in hell.  Although one could argue that the KFC double down sandwich is designed by Satan.  I would like to thank the flog's newest sponsor Popeye's. Love that Chicken from Popeyes.  

Eh Bid Dude 116 defeats Italian Stallions 107

(An anthropomorphic tree attacks a sickly skin and bones stallion on a football field)

You can't spell Italian Stallions without several L's, as the Loins drop to 0-6 on the season.  The Lions would have to win out to even have a shot at the playoffs.  While not mathematically eliminated, his season is down to dodging the toilet with Blue Gatorade. Eh Bid Dude early on the season was kept afloat by some lucky wins but the last two weeks, he has earned his victories to lead to a 4-2 record and two game lead on a playoff spot, which he may need with all three wolves still on the schedule. 

Los Zapatistas 134 defeat Blue Gatorade 88

(A man in a sombrero sleeps on a street corner surrounded by empty bottles of Gatorade Artic Freeze.  The man in the sombrero should have a blue milk moustache.)

Both teams continued their ways this week. Los Zapatistas has ran through all non wolves, and word on the street is that the wolves run through each other in a different way.  While Blue Gatorade did get fleeced for Baker Mayfield, the new additions did total for 10 points, which on Blue Gatorade gets your jersey retired.  LZ keeps on rolling but will the loss of a few weeks of Egbuka put a dent in his streak of dominance over the past few seasons as he keeps piling up children and wins. 

Ogre's Death Squad 100 defeats Dollars 90

(Shrek wrapped in a fleece in an outhouse near a bonfire pit of 1 dollar bills)

ODS nearly fleeced himself in the outhouse as Justin Fields soiled himself all over London. ODS was led by JSN's 26 points and Achane's 30.  If you told Dollars that we would have gotten 23 points from Bryce Young, he probably would have been liking his chances, but other than Pickens it was slim pickens from Dollars.  He did add Rice and Bowers to help down the road and avoid a toilet or maybe make a late push. His playoff picks would have 3 correct as of now which would be the highest it's been all season.  ODS is riding high on a four game winning streak but that streak does not include a team with more than 2 wins.  

Tinker Stinkers 112 defeats Rush n' Missiles 103

 (A dwarf battles Vladmir Putin in the Roman Colosseum surrounded by spectating wolves.)

In a battle atop the standings, Tinker Stinkers proved exactly why you draft a defense ridiculous high. Denver's defense dismantled da dismal dets to the tune of 30 points.  It was actually the lowest points Tinker Stinkers has scored all year, but it was still enough defeat Cory.  He must now get back lower in the standings.  He may be able to come back for that #1 seed as his remaining schedule is easier than the Stinkers. 

Big Nasty Express 127 defeats Bricklayers 110

(Train crashes through a brickwall which sends Lady Bic razors flying)

BNE scored nearly 70 points on Monday Night to get the victory.  Bricklayers traded for JK Dobbins to add some punch to his punchless running game, but JK, his running game is still punchless as Dobbins scored 4 points against the worst team in the league.  Bricklayers went with RB -5 instead of RB 0 as a draft strategy this year.  He's played 4 games against the bottom of the standings as has managed to get 1 win.  BNE is riding a three game winning streak into a matchup with the winless Loins.  

You're the best around
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down

except maybe an artery clogged with pork

1. Tinker Stinkers 68-10

Really Good

2. LZ 57-21

3. RM 47-31

4. SMBR 45-33 (So unlucky)

Unlike a America, a healthy middle class

5. ODS 41-37

6. TC 41-37

7. HC 38-40 (lucky)

8. BNE 38-40

9. $$ 37-41

10. EBD 35-43

Awful

11. BB 29-49

12. BL 26-52

13. IS 25-53

Blue Gatorade

14. BG 19-53

5 was the top number again this week as BB, BNE, IS, and $$ each went 5-2.  Blue Gatorade sucks at all aspects of this and went 1-6.  Our overall leader remains EBD at 29-13 and $$ is pulling up the rear at 17-25.  Thanks for making your picks.  

Game of the Week

#1 Tinker Stinkers vs #3 Hardcore Cabinet

#5 ODS vs #9 SMBR

#8 BB vs #2 LZ

#6 BNE vs #14 IS

#12 vs BL #7 EBD

#4 RM vs #11 TC

Toilet Game of the Week

#13 Blue Gatorade vs #10 $$

Heading to week 7, with lots of matchups of haves vs haves and have nots vs have nots, we could see the race getting tighter.

HTPB 24.5

 

We lost our last undefeated squad, but Italian Stallions is still keeping it strong with zero wins.  Tinker Stinkers continues to dominate as a pack of wolves a crowded at the stop of standings in a Human Centiwolf scenario.  

Ogre's Death Squad 127.68 defeats The Collegians 108.52

(An anthropomorphic wildcat wearing a hat that says "Big Cat" hugs Shrek wearing a favorite son shirt, while a man in a cap and gown cries while holding a sign that says, "It should have been me.")

AI with the 100% accuracy.

Justin Fields poured in on when it didn't matter and ODS was able to pull above .500.  AJ Brown continues to disappoint for the Collegians but he did get his second highest scoring game of the year with 7.15.  The Collegians hard luck loss knocks them out of the current playoff field and that first week point total hangs around his neck like tie breaker killing scarlet letter.  

Dollars 123.70 defeats Bay-Bay's 99.58

(An injured and bandaged Mountie is left on the side of the road while a man drives off in a Raptor truck filled with dollar bills and Miller Lites.)

Dollars has won two in a row and hopes to keep the ship afloat after starting 0-2 and losing Joe Burrow.  Jamar Chase got lots of garbage time points to feel like Burrow was back.  The world is starting to return to it's natural place as Bay-Bay's takes a second loss and his team starts to fall apart.  His team is still the best HTPB based in Canada, but all of the long road trips are wearing on his team and finding it's way into America each week.  Dollars playoff picks, if the season ended today would have 2 correct, (HC, ODS)

Los Zapatistas 122.54 defeat StabMyBalzRepeatedly 103.75

(A man in a sombrero robs a comic book store while the owner sleeps despite Rico Dowdle trying to wake him up.)

SMBR continues to leave inactive people in their lineup and while in the guillotine league that is enough to eliminate Sergio, it's not here in HTPB as LZ continues to rack up wins, this week led by the Colts defense and their 26 points.  SMBR continues to be confused and flummoxed by Thursday night and European games. Kevin is desperate to find someone to help him run his team as he continues to crack under the pressure.

Eh Bid Dude 120.76 defeats Blue Gatorade 91.38

(Michael Myers drags a bald kid in a Kent State hoodie through the woods)

When the worst team in the league losing two of its very few playable guys to injuries, it's not going to go well.  Things don't look to be going well as byes have not yet hit his team either.  It will be shocking if he doesn't win the toilet trophy this year. He may never figure out how to not be garbage. In EBD's 5 games his opponent has broken 103 points just once.  EBD was led by Ferguson and his 21 points which is all that is needed to beat BG.  

Tinker Stinkers 143.08 defeat Italian Stallions 112.30

(A dwarf tackles a wild stallion while yelling "Into the Smoker with ya.")

Tinker Stinkers continues to rack up the points and Italian Stallions continue to lose.  Tinker Stinkers is tops of the power rankings and flavorful meat rankings.  Italian Stallions just needs to get enough victories to leap over Blue Gatorade to avoid winning yet another Toilet Bowl Trophy.  This year Kasey tried to talk Dom into not wasting $65.  Ring camera caught footage of the conversation before Dom left for the draft. 

Rush'n Missiles 115.48 defeats Bricklayers 94.61

(A golf coach with red blurry eyes wins the Canton South Teacher of the year award while clutching a fist full of parlay tickets.  A loser teacher with a tiny head and a hairstyle with way too much gel in it looks on sadly.)

After several years of struggling RM has finally figured out how fantasy football works.  More points are good. Armed with this recent knowledge RM, has improved greatly over the last few years.  Bricklayers appears to be trapped in a prison of his own creation.  Here is what Bricklayers drafter in order, Brian Thomas Jr, Chase Brown, Treyvon Henderson, Mike Evans, Calvin Ridley.  That's a starting five that rivals the Washington Generals. Maybe the Layers can turn it around to see what they are made of. 

Big Nasty Express 94.97 defeats Hardcore Cabinet 81.13

(A man with a red beard and white T-shirt with a chest pocket raids an old rusty cabinet to add the Cutler Reality Open on Sunday to his tire fire)

The first version of this picture had the man stone faced so I asked it to edit the face to the expression of (glee from an old timey prospector)

In a game that only a mother could love, BNE was able to piece together a win over Hardcore Cabinet and end the last unbeatens quest for a perfect record.  Trevor Lawrence tripped and fell into the end zone for BNE as a last minute replacement for Purdy, but netted BNE 26 points.  HC had 3 usually strong performers score less than 5 and usually shitty performer Jeudy score less than 5. HC released a statement:

Good win last week, Webb.  As I look at your squad, I could puke. You might be have the worst team besides BG. Last week was on me.  Bad GM skills.  You did nothing special.  I failed.  Just saying.  Good win tho. Thrash!

Better than you, and you know it

1. Tinker Stinkers 59-6 

Really Good

2. LZ 45-20

3. RM 41-24

4. TC 40-25

 Good

5. ODS 36-29

6. HC 36-29

They Aight

7. $$ 33-32

8. SMBR 32-33

Not Good

9. BB 29-36

10. BNE 27-38

11. EBD 25-40

Shitty

12. BL 18-47

13. IS 18-47

14. BG 16-49

Big ups to Los Zapatistas with our first perfect week.  Muy Bueno! EBD which has won every week even had his best week of the year with 6, but it wasn't enough with perfection on the table.  He's still 5 clear of HC and BL in second for the year to date lead.  

Dollars brought up the rear with 3 correct picks.  He's the low man on the year as well.  

Game of the Week

#1 Tinker Stinkers vs 2 Rush'N Missiles

#4 HC vs #10 TC

#6 BB vs #11 SMBR

#12 BL vs #8 BNE

#13 BG vs #3 LZ

#9 $$ vs #5 ODS

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#14 Italian Stallions vs #7 Eh Big Dude

Week 6 begins.....NOW!