HTPB 23.11

 

The big 4 had a rough week overall and the race for the final playoff spot tightened up even more.  Plus we have a clear leader in the race to the bottom.

Big Nasty Express defeats Eh Big Dude

The King of a trailer park surrenders but has his fingers crossed behind his back.

Big Nasty Express kept their glimmer of playoff hopes alive with a come from behind win over EBD.  This whole time we assumed EBD evil plan was from week 10 to until the end of the season, but turns out it may have been just week 10.   Spencer Shrader and Travis Kelce took the afternoon off allowing the Will Dissly and Cody Dicker combo to give EBD a double dicking   EBD has a playoff seed sown up but is going to need to do a bit of work to get the coveted first round bye.  

Ogre's Death Squad defeats Hardcore Cabinet

In the highest scoring matchup of the season, Ogre's Death Squad kept their playoff hopes alive with 3 last minute garbage time TD's by Daniels, St. Brown, and Hill.  The Browns rolled over and died so that Hill could run amok and keep ODS' playoff hopes alive.  There were 13 total TD's in this game or as Blue Gatorade calls that a whole season.  Can this big win propel ODS to a playoff spot or most likely like most ODS seasons, not amount to much of anything.

Dollars defeats Rush N' Missiles

Rush N' Missiles got almost 50 points from the double brownie stack of Winston and Jeudy which had to be a best case scenario and still lost by double digits.  RM was given an opportunity to climb up the playoff ladder by defeating the team directly above him, but instead was chewed up and spat out like a lip full of dip at the scoring table at youth sporting event.  Dollars had a trio players cross the goal line twice and rode them to victory.  Next week Dollars looks to cement their playoff berth and gain revenge against Hardcore Cabinet after failing in back to back games in the Super Bowl and week 1.  

Italian Stallions defeat Tinker Stinkers

A tiny man is upset by an Italian horse eating his smoked meats

Tinker Stinkers blamed their lineup choices with 6 TD's on the bench, but Italian Stallions can only beat who shows up.  Who did show up for Tinker Stinkers, you say?  Ah well Ricky Pearsall who had a big hole in his body and scorecard with a 0.  Also showing up, the old washed Browns backfield.  Were Metcalf and Kevin Mack, Crack attack not available?  The Loins were the only member of the big 4 to get a win this week, but they were unable to get into pole position for the bye.  Tinker Stinkers has been getting better production of late from Mahomes.  Did I include that sentence just because of this video that I found?  Yes.

Stabmybalzrepeatedly defeats Los Zapatistas

A Magic the Gathering style card of a Slayer of Mexican Wolves

Don't look now but Los Zapatistas has lost 3 out of 4 with lone win being over Blue Gatorade which shouldn't even count.  Like Big E in the third inning of a Little League World Series game, has The Shoes climaxed prematurely?  LZ finally did not break the 100 point mark thanks to absolute shit performances from everyone but James Cook and new edition of his candy girl, Justin Herbert.    SMBR still has some faint playoff hopes.

The Collegians defeat Bay-Bay's

Adam Cole dressed as a Mountie getting attacked by a Bengal tiger

Bay-Bay's has now lost 7 in a row after a 3-1 start.  Things have not gone well the past two months for Bay-Bay's shown in his season highlights. Haven't heard any of that AOE drunken recruitment pitches in quite some time.  The Collegians continue to win almost solely on the backs of Joe Burrow and Jamar Chase.  It's hard banking on them for three straight rounds in the playoffs.  Can the Collegians jump ahead in the standings despite being far behind in the power rankings?  Time will tell.  Next week we will see if Collegians jynxed themselves and hoist on his own petard against Blue Gatorade this week.  

Blue Gatorade defeats Bricklayers

A bald teenager pours bricks into a toilet

Blue Gatorade has now put a bit of breathing room between himself and Bricklayers for the toilet trophy.  Bricklayers will have to win at least two games in his final 3 against Bay-Bay's, Los Zapatistas, and Ogre's Death Squad.  Blue Gatorade was aided by Cooper Rush being terrible and the Texans defense scoring a whopping 33 points to get BG $5 so the season hasn't been total wash.  Bricklayers may complain that yet another team had a better than their average week against him, but if you lose to a team that starts Ray-Ray McCloud regularly, it's time for a long look in the mirror. Also I know you aren't a teenager any more Max but AI doesn't really hone in on young man.  

1. LZ 109-34

2. HC 104-39

3. EBD 104-39

LZ has company at the top of the power rankings for the first time this season.

4. IS 94-49

The cheese so nice, stands alone.

5. $$ 74-69

6. TC 72-71

The rest of the playoff teams

7. ODS 67-76

8. RM 65-78

9. BNE 65-78

10. BB 64-79

Teams with playoff hopes and BB's.

11. TS 58-85

12. SMBR 52-91

Their actual records are giving them hope but they have not been good teams this season.

13. BL 45-98

Toiletries in coming

14.  BG 28-115

How the fuck he has lined up those 3 wins in that 28 possible is amazing.  

This week The Collegians took home the honors with an impressive 6-1 week.  Scores were low all around but LZ and RM took home the shit cake with 1-6 record.  TC has moved into a tie with HC atop the standings and LZ brings up the abajo.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/10U1yZLxPBRtqUHSNx8yUlUHe2l8aNko6d5y9UO14BRI/edit?usp=sharing

HTPB regrets

 

It's been over two decades, you gotta be kicking yourself about something.

Whether it's trading Freeman for him or cutting him and watching D-Willy stick it up your butt and in your drywall in the playoffs, Sergio and Dollars ponder where things went wrong with Williams.

Our regrets fall into 6 different buckets.

Post Season Based Lineup Decisions

This had the most with 4, Tyler Huntley, Daniel Jones, CJ Anderson, Jeremy Hill are the illustrious members of this non all star team.

Blew the 2024 draft.

Hi CMC and Justin Jefferson

Why did I cut and trade this guy?

Double D. Willy, and Roy's million trades

Commissioner Curse

The stink of running the league affects the team, but since BNE is STILL terrible a decade later it appears to be a permanent condition so no point in quitting now, Bigs.

No regrets

Apparently marrying SMBR's sisters make you have no regrets. I guess after you willingly make the terrible choice to bring Kevin into your family what could be worse.

Our final bucket are Roy based regrets.  If it's just having to respond to constant trade requests or not having an evil plan that begins in week 10 themselves, Dan and Kevin regret these interactions.  

HTPB 23.10

                                                       

Week 10 in HTPB is here so everybody pack it in. EBD has won the championship.  Also trade him players that you have that aren't good for players that he has that are amazing.  If you don't take this trade, immediately his opinion on both players changes.  Try to keep up, bozos.

Also all of HTPB thanks Jesse for his service, while all of HTPB except Sergio thanks Dan for his service.  We didn't thank you enough to let you guys win this week, but still thanks.

                                                          Los Zapatistas defeat Blue Gatorade

All a man gets on his birthday is a pack of wolves wearing sombreros.  

Los Zapatistas found the cure for his season long losing streak, which is the cure for anyone's losing streak, a matchup with Blue Gatorade.  BG was able to beat his projection to come in with a robust score of 90, but all he got on his birthday was a spanking.  The league was thrilled to watch the all time QB matchup.  We witnessed Drake Maye (12) "outduel" Danny Dimes (10).  The two teams head into the stretch run with very different goals, but it is important to have goals even if they are just trying to avoid the Toilet Trophy.  

Eh Big Dude defeats Bricklayers

EBD's week 10 has finally arrived.  Jalen Hurts continues to score from the land and air and CMC returned to lineup for the first time all season to massacre Bricklayers. Now that week 10 is over, hopefully we can stop hearing about it.   Just like we had to hear how stupid we all are for not trading for Kelce, but that doesn't mean EBD was stupid for trying to trade him.  Got it? Good. The nightmare season for Bricklayers continues as they still only have a single victory.  Bricklayers may have been caught looking ahead to a week 11 Titanic Toilet matchup with Blue Gatorade.  A game that will likely decide who takes home the coveted golden bowl.  

The Collegians defeat Rush 'N Missiles

Jamar Chase eats a bowl of Rush 'n Missiles O's

This game was over before it started as The Collegians received an astounding 90 points from Burrow and Chase on Thursday night.  Baker put up his first stinker of the year, only netting the Missiles 10 points.  The Collegians were able to waltz to an easy victory despite the three headed TE monster barely cracking double digits combined.  The Collegians now sit at a surprising 7-3 record to sit at the big boys table.  Do we have a big 5 now?   RM hopes to desperately cling the final playoff spot.  

Stabmybalzrepeatedly defeats Ogre's Death Squad

Shrek chokes on a pile of Magic the Gathering cards

The Death Squad had a chance to jump into playoff contention with every team around him in the standings losing, but instead, true to form, ODS Big E'd the opportunity away.  Brock told ODS that he had a purdy mouth and led SMBR with 25 points in CMC return.  While Jayden Daniels only have ODS 7 points.  Both teams still have the longest of long shots at the playoffs but will likely need to win out to do so.    

Big Nasty Express defeats Bay-Bay's

A train barrels down the tracks about to run over a Canadian Mountie

In a game that was played for pride, Big Nasty Express bested Bay-bay's thanks to Justin Herbert returning to form of past years and the Eagles getting to play a high school offense in the Cowboys.  The result leaves both teams not mathematically but logistically eliminated from the post season or as Dan calls it, the only thing he has ever known.  This is nothing to BNE however, as he has now gone over 20 years of wandering the desert without winning the championship.  That's half a Moses!    

Tinker Stinkers defeats Dollars

Kyler Murray sits on a bench while an Air Force Veteran is buried under Arby's curly fries.

Dollars say that an expansion pack for Call of Duty was released so he benched his tiny quarterback for a huge conspiracy theorist.  The move did not go well. The move cost Dollars the win in what was supposed to be the easiest game remaining on his schedule.  Dollars could be a verge of an epic collapse that was built on the power of the schedule maker.  Don't look now, but Tinker Stinkers have won 3 games in a row and sit one spot out of the playoff picture.  All he needs is that seat to get a little higher over the final month, a booster seat if you will.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats the Italian Stallions for the 13th straight year.

A champion wins a race against 13 Stallions

You author assumed that this was the year that the streak was over.  The Loins were having their best season since the streak began.  The Loins had the best two players in the matchup on Monday night.  So much so that I in fact created this video memorializing the streak.  But Tua and Achane repeatedly stalled out and those lead to long field goals for Sanders and that recipe was enough for the Monday Night Magic.  The victory allows Hardcore Cabinet to REMAIN IN FIRST PLACE NOT JUST THIS WEEK, COMMISH! It is Hardcore Cabinet's 6 win in a row which is the longest of the season in HTPB. On the bright side for Italian Stallions, they are primed for their first playoff run in years and can lose to Hardcore Cabinet in the Super Bowl to extend the streak, but get two more bites at the apple next year.  

In pick em this week, Blue Gatorade finally won something going 6-1.  However their one loss that kept them from the first perfect week this season, was picking his own shit squad to win.  Pride is one of the seven deadly sins, young man.  Italian Stallions takes up the rear with an awful 2-5 record.  Overall HC remains a top both sets of standings, while EBD moves into last place one win behind ODS and LZ.

1. LZ 108-22

He remains atop the power rankings alone but the gap has closed a tiny bit.

2. EBD 97-33

3. HC 92-38

4. IS 86-44

The big four still lords over the rest of the league.

5. TC 68-62

Earlier I asked if there is now a big 5.  No there is not.  

6. BB 64-66

7. $$ 64-66

8. RM 60-67

The middle of the pack.  Mediocre teams but some will make the playoffs and anything can happen.

9. TS 56-74

10. BNE 55-75

11. ODS 54-76

Not very good but still alive for the playoffs because of the mediocre level above.

12. SMBR 43-87

13. BL 42-88

These teams are 2024 awful.

14. BG 22-108

This team is all time awful.  May Be Fat bad.

First round bye 

LZ 48% HC 43% EBD 3% IS 2% TC 2%

Make the playoffs

LZ and HC 100%

EBD, TC, IS 99%

$$ 82%

RM 57%

TS 31%

ODS 13%

BB 8%

BNE 4%

SMBR 1%

Toilet Bowl 

BG 57%

BL 42%

BB 0.19%

Game of the Week

#1 Hardcore Cabinet vs #9 Ogre's Death Squad

12 BB vs 5 TC

10 BNE vs 4 EBD

6 $$ vs 7 RM

3 IS vs 8 TS

2 LZ vs 11 SMBR

The Toilet Bowl game of the Millennium

#13 Blue Gatorade vs #14 Bricklayers

This game will determine the winner of the toiletries.  Will it end up in a college apartment to be sullied with bong smoke and fecal matter? Or will it end up getting tarnished in a garage by an asshole? 

At this time next week, we should have a pretty clear view of the post season.  Can your squad make a move?  

HTPB 23.9

                                                   

The league continues to separate into the have and have nots.  But things are getting interesting for that final playoff spot. 

                                                Ogre's Death Squad defeats Blue Gatorade

Shrek uses a bazooka to kill a housefly.

The Death Squad could have saved some of those 7 touchdowns because just setting your lineup is enough to defeat Blue Gatorade.  Dak left the game with a pulled hamstring and someone needs to pull the lever on the electric chair for Blue Gatorade this season.  They have broken 100 points this season only once, which however is more times than they have kissed a girl.  ODS was voted to be the team most likely to emerge from the bottom to take a playoff spot and their remaining schedule is as soft as Big E's back hair.  ODS only plays one team that is currently in the top 7 (HC) the rest of the way.  

Tinker Stinkers defeat Big Nasty Express

A man smokes Arby's roast beef over a tire fire while burning down small hillbilly town of Waco.

Big Nasty Express has managed to break 82 points three times season and Tinker Stinkers took advantage with the lucky win.  Austin Ekeler was in sole control of the Commanders backfield but it was not enough because Nick Webb was in control of the roster.  In appears that BNE will continue to wait for that elusive drafted championship team.  Can Tinker Stinkers overcome their putrid point total to make a run to sneak into the postseason?  Doubtful as he only plays one non playoff team the rest of the season.  

Italian Stallions defeat Rush' N Missiles

Rocky Balboa holds the Mike Johnson cup

Rush n' Missiles was able to get 28 points from Alvin Kamara and turn into fucking nothing.  Not that mattered as Italian Stallions led the league in points this week with 160 spot. Saquon and Achane combined to score more than a few teams have done as whole this year, I'm looking at you BNE and BG.  The Loins are having the season of dreams.  They have yet to score less than 106 points this season.  Next week Italians Stallions faces their biggest challenge as Hardcore Cabinet awaits.  Can the Loins end 12 years of losing or will the streak become a teenager?  Italian Stallions would have beaten Hardcore Cabinet 5 of the nine weeks but only once in the 5.  

The Collegians defeat Stabmybalzrepeatedly

A man with a long face sneaks past a comic book security guard who fell asleep.

SMBR didn't take Amari Cooper out of the lineup but it wouldn't have mattered as Joe Burrow tossed 5 tuddies.  Amazingly none of them went to Jamar Chase which kept this game close.  The Collegians seem to have grabbed ahold of one of the playoff spots under the big 4.  With a 6-3 record and only one game remaining against a top 7 team (RM), The Collegians have been given league approval to sell playoff tickets.  SMBR may have packed it in for the season ending their impressive 3 playoff streak.  Barring an insane comeback or a crazy collapse by LZ, he will own the longest current playoff streak in the league.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats Bricklayers

 A strong muscular goat stands tall over a weak down on it's luck goat with a tiny head.

In a battle of the two greatest teams in league history, Bricklayers were unable to gain the victory despite scoring their second highest point total of the year.  JK Dobbins ran right through the remaining hope in both the Browns and Bricklayers season.  The difference in this game was the 23 point swing in defenses in a game decided by 22 points.  Bricklayers had the massively inferior D.  Although he can hold on to having the most wins in league history and tied for the most championships....for now.  Hardcore Cabinet currently holds the top spot in the league but upcoming titan battles against IS and EBD make that position tenuous.  

Dollars defeats Bay-Bay's

A Mountie is crushed under a giant bag of cash.

Dollars got himself a needed win to remain atop the teams fighting behind the big 4.  He needed this win as his schedule the rest of the way is brutal TS, RM, HC, IS, LZ.  Bay-Bay's has blamed injuries for his team being bad during it's entire existence.  This season he has been healthy and has a 5-9 record.  I am beginning to think that he is just not very good at this.  Dollars had such a good week down his roster that he was able to put up 122 with Kyler only getting 3 points.  Can the rest of the roster over come the 2nd half of the season Kyler slump?

Eh Big Dude defeats Los Zapatistas

Jason Vorhees steals a wolf's sombrero.  

Eh Big Dude is riding a 3 game winning streak into his long awaited week 10, while Los Zapatistas takes two straight losses against championship caliber foes.  EBD dude appears to have dodged a major injury to AJ Brown and his Philly stack.  Despite averaging 128 points over the last two weeks, The Shoes have nothing to show for it but two losses.  LZ will look to recover against a Charmin soft rest of the schedule of BG, SMBR, RM, BL, and $$.  These two will continue to battle with HC and IS for that coveted bye.  Although the absolutely most hilarious timeline is EBD getting to week 10 and losing to last place BL. 

1. LZ 98-19

Still a class to himself. Unico en su clase.

2. EBD 86-31

3. HC 83-34

4. IS 80-37

Title contenders every one in this group.  I would shocked if the Big Cat was raised by someone not in this group.  

5. $$ 60-57

6. BB 59-58

Mediocre Good

7. TC 55-62

8. RM 52-65

9. ODS 52-65

Mediocre Bad

10. TS 49-62

11. BNE 43-74

12. BL 42-75

13. SMBR 39-78

Not this year

14. BG 21-96

Bay-Bay's has been the only one with a large degree of bad luck, being 4 spots lower than he should be.  RM has stolen his playoff valor. 

This week Hardcore Cabinet won the week with a 6-1 record which keeps him in the overall lead for the season.  ODS went down with a abysmal 2-5 record which drops him into last place overall for the season.  

Season totals and week by week breakdown here.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/10U1yZLxPBRtqUHSNx8yUlUHe2l8aNko6d5y9UO14BRI/edit?usp=sharing

As a reminder since this is the first time I am including this in the flog, this is based of off how your team has done.  It does not know injuries or bye weeks.  For example, CMC has not played at all for EBD so Skynet has no idea he is even on the roster. I drop all decimals for ease of reading and typing. 

First round bye odds

LZ 50, HC 26, IS 18, EBD 3

Playoff odds

LZ 100, HC 99, IS 99, EBD 99, TC 98, $$ 86, RM 60, ODS 22, BB 20, TS 10, BNE >1, SMBR >1, BL 0, BG 0

We have finally made it to week 10.  Hold on to your butts. 

Game of the Week

#1 Hardcore Cabinet vs Italian Stallions

#13 BG vs #3 LZ

#14 BL vs #4 EBD

#5 $$ vs #9 TS

#8 ODS vs #11 SMBR

#7 RM vs #6 TC

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#10 Bay-Bay's vs #12 Big Nasty Express

Pick your win. (Monkey's Paw scenario)

 Everyone knew I was winning this, but why did I win is the real interesting topic.  But before we get there, let us break down the others receiving votes.

Bricklayers, Eh Big Dude, and Blue Gatorade all got 1 vote but each for different reasons.  One for sustained greatness, one for sustained shittiness, and one because he's heel and Nick has always and will always want to beat you.  You guys figure it out.  

I think the real most hated man in HTPB is the The Collegians.  Receiving 3 votes.  I literally shit talk every person in this league weekly.  But 3 people said "Nay Nay, I will not defeat Hardcore Cabinet, Fuck Steve."  

Now let's break down 8 votes that Hardcore Cabinet received.  These votes can be sorted into three categories.  

Category 1: Hardcore Cabinet's greatness.  Three league members chose Hardcore Cabinet because of all of the winning that HC has done this year, last year and all the years.

Category 2: Reading facts about my performance is upsetting.  Three league members chose Hardcore Cabinet for not liking when write what their fantasy teams does.  

Category 3: I fucked your mother.  This is includes votes from both Blue Gatorade and SMBR.  SMBR just replied STFU so I assume that means he knows I have had the Peaches and Cream.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r0V58ohMFg

No matter why you hate me, just know that I am glad you do.  Faces sell t-shirts, heels sell tickets.

 

RuthlessCEE Aggresive: Heat and Velocity reviews (October 4th and 5th, 2003)

 

    We are greeted by our hosts Josh Mathews and Tazz.  I think Ernest Miller is gone.  It's a slamming Saturday Night here on Spike TV.

Match 1: Jamie Noble with Nidia vs Shannon Moore

Noble starts with two headlock takedowns.  There is some cat and mouse as Shannon avoids Noble.  Eventually Noble traps Moore in the corner lays in some boots and chops and transfers into a suplex, leg drop, but misses a clothesline.  Moore hip tosses Noble upside down into the corner.  Moore starts stomping, a rope choke, and the side slam for 2.   Moore locks in a back and arm stretch.  

Noble drops out of the hold and kicks Moore in the chest.  Moore quickly recovers and blasts Noble with a drop kick to the mush.  Noble hits a big clothesline, some quick kicks and then a running knee.  A spinning powerslam gets a two count.  Moore backdrops to escape a tiger driver and then hits a corner plancha for 2.  Moore throws his signature tantrum.  They trade some pinning combos.  Shannon tries to get his feet on the ropes. Nidia gets on the apron to complain.  Noble rolls up Moore for two using the distraction.  Noble nails a DDT and never releases Moore and locks in the dragon sleeper to get the submission win in 6:08. (***)

Match #2 Sean O'Haire vs Kevin Kruger

Kevin Kruger isn't even shown during his introduction as it's a wide shot of the arena.  Sean O'Haire throws Kruger down like a middle school bully.  O'Haire spends a few minutes just destroying Kruger with punches, kicks, and clotheslines.  Kruger goes for a crossbody but gets caught and O'Haire hits a fireman's carry/DDT type move for the win in 2:36. (DUD)

Match #3 Rhyno vs Funaki

Rhyno jumps Funaki as the cruiserweight enters the ring.  Funaki fires back, hits a head scissors and slams Rhyno's head into the turnbuckle multiple times.  Funaki nails a spring board crossbody until he gets mowed down with a big clothesline.  Rhyno takes over with corner shoulder blocks and knees to the gut.  Funaki comes back with a enziguri.  Both men are down as the ref begins his count.  They both get to their feet and trade some chops.  Rhyno ends the stalemate with a belly to belly.  Funaki dodges a gore attempt and Rhyno hits the turnbuckle. Funaki takes advantage with a bulldog for a 2 count.  He tries a school boy for another 2 count.  Rhyno takes back the advantage with a spinebuster.  He sets up for another gore and connects on this one for the win in 4:23. (*1/2)

Match #4 

Rey Mysterio vs Nunzio

They start with some gentleman's reversals.  Mysterio hits a head scissors.  Nunzio catches Rey off the top turnbuckle and drapes Rey's arm over the top rope.  Nunzio spends a decent stretch of the match working over Rey's arm with a variety of arm submissions such as top wrist locks and key locks.   He hits a flying armnbar called the Arrivederci.  Nunzio puts in more arm work.  Mysterio works Nunzio into the corner and climbs the ropes while still locked in the submission to hit a top rope hurricanrana.  He follows it up with a seated senton, spring board cross, reverse DDT flurry.  Rey climbs to the top rope but Nunzio stops him and flips him face first to the mat.  Nunzio catches a head scissors attempt and plants him.  Rey recovers with a drop toe hold to the second rope, and you know the rest.  619 and west coast pop for the win in 7:03 (** 3/4).

Johnathan Coachman and Al Snow sadly greet us after losing the RAW commentary gig after only one week.  

Match #1 

Spike Dudley vs Rico

Rico starts of with the usual ambiguously gay shenanigans to start.  Spike moves past his homophobia to hit a clothesline, hip toss, rapid chest stomps in the corner.  Spike runs the corner for a Dudley dog but for some reason just holds on to the headlock. Not sure why you wouldn't hit your finisher when you could hit your finisher.  Rico works out and hangs Spike on the top rope and knees him in the face to send him to the floor.  Once Spike pulls himself back into the ring, Rico hits a powerslam but Spike is in the ropes for the cover.  He pulls the littlest Dudley to the center of the ring for a neck vise.  Spike tries to get out and go for an up and over in the corner but Rico catches him and parks him on the top rope.  Spike blocks the super plex attempt, bites Rico's forehead and pushes him off the top.  Spike hits the top rope stomp.  Spike comes in with a flurry of an inverted atomic drop, clothesline, hurricanrana for 2.  He tries a rollup for another near fall. Spike hits Rico in the stomach with a battering ram charge.  Miss Jackie gets up on the apron and Spike heads over.  He grabs the Tough Enough champion but manages to dodge Rico's attack from the rear.  He collides with his valet.  Spike gets a roll up attempt but Rico reverses it and grabs a healthy handful of tights to pick up the victory in 6:34. (*)

Match #2

Tommy Dreamer vs Sheik Shawn Davari

Sheik Shawn Davari is already in the ring when announced.  He is praying on his prayer rug in the corner.  Dreamer locks on an arm bar which Davari flips out of and prances around proud of himself.  This gets him slammed to the mat for his trouble.  Davari tries a crossbody but Dreamer catches him and hits Davari with the fall away sack of shit slam.  Davari starts praying to Dreamer for leniency but gets his fingers stomped.  Davari finally gets some offense in with a drop kick to the knee.  Davari continues to stomp Dreamer's knee in the corner.  He hits another drop kick to the knee and takes Dreamer to the opposite corner for the same sequence of leg work again. This time Dreamer moves and completely no sells the knee on a flurry of clothesline, back body drop, bulldog for a two count.  He hits a heavy spinebuster for another near fall.  Davari escapes the Death Valley Driver and hits a DDT.  He grabs his prayer rug and tries a flying carpet splash (yes seriously. photo above)  Tommy plants Davari with a DDT to get the win in 3:14.  (1/4*).

Match #3 

Rodney Mack with Theodore Long vs Kenny Anderson

The future Ken Kennedy gets jumped before the bell.  He lays in a flurry of punches and kicks followed with an Alabama Slam.  Snow and Coachman are busy talking about Rush Limbaugh saying that the media props up Donovan McNabb because they want a black quarterback to be good.  Snow uses this moment to say that he hates liberals.  Mack lays down some big elbow drops.  Mack hits a giant clothesline, a spinning power slam and a spine buster to win in 1:44.  (1/2 *) Other than a couple of punches Anderson didn't get any offense in.

Match #4 

Lance Storm vs Steven Richards with Victoria

Special Guest Referee: Jacqueline

The former ECW wrestlers trade headlocks, leg locks, and leap frogs.  Lance Storm hits two hip tosses.  Val Venis walks out with a handheld camcorder to record the match.  We are shown the match for a few seconds here and there throughout the duration of the match.  Last week Val was attacked post match by Stevie Richards and this appears to be related.  Click here to check out my recap/review of that show.   Lance Storm hits spring board cross body.  Stevie Richards finally gets on offense with a suplex and then locks in a chin lock.  Lance breaks free and punches are exchanged.  Storm hits a clothesline, drop kick and a delay vertical suplex.  Storm puts on a single leg Boston crab.  Victoria jumps up on the apron and Storm heads after her. Victoria gets flipped into the ring.  Stevie charges at Storm but he moves causing Stevie to bronco bust Victoria in the corner. Stevie staggers out to eat a top rope drop kick for the victory in 5:36 (*3/4)  All of the focus was Val and his camcorder.  Jacqueline did nothing of any interest.  She could have been anybody.  Coachman tells us that it looks like we won't find out what Val's doing this week.  Could this be a three week storyline on Heat?