HTPB 2024 Round 1 Coverage

           Hardcore Cabinet defeats Rush 'n Missiles

A great champion as slain a lesser wolf and prepares to do battle with the Alpha wolf.

Lamar Jackson looks to carry Hardcore Cabinet to their second straight championship as he was a human anti-ballistic missile system, scoring 44 points.  Baker tried to keep pace with a healthy 34 but it was for naught.  Despite RM's 125 points, this was the most lopsided first round matchup.  RM has still never had a on profitable season in HTPB.  The league thanks him for his yearly donation. 

The Collegians defeat Eh Big Dude

A man feeds an old tree into a wood chipper named Retirement.

In a game that went back and forth on Sunday, The Collegians picked up the upset win to crash the semi finals.  Despite being outstacked 50 to 34, The Collegians used a Mike Evans and James Conner explosion to take the lead.  Can the Collegians Bengals stack torch the Browns enough to defeat #1 seed Italian Stallions to make their 5th Super Bowl?  

Los Zapatistas defeat Dollars

A wolf in a sombrero defeats a male nurse two times in a row.

Dollars will not be pulling a Buffalo Bills and losing in a record consecutive Super Bowls.  The combination of Cooper Kupp getting the goose egg and the David Montgomery injury could not be over come.  Brian Thomas had his most points of the season by double digits, was the leader for The Shoes.  The leader of the Wolves looks to finish in the money for third consecutive year.  

Loser Bracket Gift Card Giveaway

BL 123

BB 98

BNE 80

ODS 154

TS 99

Nick said he was making the bracket.  Those are your scores.  Do with those what you will.  I am very glad that Big E didn't make the playoffs because I don't think I could take him beating me with a blowup again this season.  

Pick em Results

It took for there only to be 3 games but we finally got someone to go undefeated in a week of pick em.  HC went 3-0 and remains in first place overall.  We also had our first week of someone getting the goose egg as BB and BL took the collar.  

Updated year long totals here

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/10U1yZLxPBRtqUHSNx8yUlUHe2l8aNko6d5y9UO14BRI/edit?usp=sharing

The Semi Finals are set

Los Zapatistas the last two champions battle as Los Zapatistas take on Hardcore Cabinet

The Italian Stallions hope that their bye week swoon was just perfect timing and not the bottom falling out vs The Collegians stack.

HTPB 23.14 Regular Season Recap

 

The regular season is over and the playoffs begin or Dan calls it, the forbidden zone.  

Italian Stallions defeat Bay-Bay's

A horse and mountie play a meaningless game

This game had nothing to do with anything, but still held to form as Bay-Bay's lost again.  BB has never made the playoffs or even be .500.  He is a fitting successor to Big Cat's seat at the table but minus the goodwill.  Dan saw Kirk Cousins throw 8 interceptions since his last TD and said, "This is who I am starting over a Super Bowl champion with Puka and Kupp at receiver."  Italian Stallions completed a regular season where he scored at least 100 points in every single week.  Bay-bay's however won a single game this season that weren't over historically shitty BL and BG.

Eh Big Dude defeats Stabmybalzrepeatedly

A man falls asleep at the wheel and runs into a tree.

SMBR had an outside at continuing the longest playoff streak in the league but decided to take a hard pass on that.  The holder of the longest playoff streak is now LZ with 4.  We have several playoff streaks going as 5 of the 7 playoff teams also made it last year.  This also snaps SMBR 4 game win streak.  The running back tandem of Sincere McCormick and Johnathan Brooks were able to hold back SMBR.  EBD waiting all season for week 10.  He's 3-2 in that time frame as he looks to end the second longest active playoff win drought in HTPB.  (IS)  

Bricklayers defeat Ogre's Death Squad

Josh Allen beats and shames the commissioner.

Bricklayers avoided the worst season in HTPB history.  While ODS continues the commissioner curse, as ODS has not made the championship game since his undefeated season.  More recent Super Bowl participants than ODS...Deez nuts (4), Big Easy Ballers (2), and Big Cat's Crushers.  Josh Allen set a fantasy record for a QB with 55 points.  Combined with the 36 points from Charbonnet allowed BL to walk away from this game with revenge for the super unlucky schedule that he was given by the commissioner.  He should have been in 13th place not 14th place.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats Blue Gatorade

Hardcore Cabinet snapped a three game losing streak to enter the playoffs as the number 2 seed.  He was able to score in the top half of the league and win despite HC having their top two scoring players on bye.  Blue Gatorade's awful team is finally being put out of it's misery.  The fact that this team won 4 games this season will be studied by scientists and historians for centuries.  The addition of Isaac Guerrendo was boom to HC as the new 49ers running back scored 24 points.  Just like Bricklayers, BG scored the most points they have all season in the final week.  Can Hardcore Cabinet be the first team in HTPB to repeat as champion? HC is tied for the best playoff winning percentage in league history with 66%

The Collegians defeat Big Nasty Express

Big Nasty Express is very bad at fantasy football.  How bad you ask?  His 11 playoff victories in 23 seasons.  That is half a playoff win a year.  In the last twenty years, he has maxxed out in 3rd place (3 times).  This season BNE put up point totals of 36, 71, 67, 80, and 72.  The Big Nasty Express has rode that train straight to the Shit Station.    Can the Collegians continue to ride the Burrow/Chase train to the title.  The Bengals have a remaining schedule of Tenn, Cle, and Denver. 

Rush'n Missiles defeat Tinker Stinkers

A wolf rips his own heart out to give to another wolf so it may live.

Don't look now but RM has gone from being perennially shitty to perennially mediocre as they have made the playoffs 3 out of the last 4 years, but in that time span have won just has many playoff games as toilet trophies (1).  Tinker Stinkers made moves all year to fight from being awful to being okay.  Mahomes never really got it together and it cost Tinker Stinkers as he is now in his longest playoff drought of his career, two years, or as IS has called that over the years: A hot streak. 

Los Zapatistas defeat Dollars

A wolf in a sombrero flees from his bank heist carrying comical money bags.

The Shoes hopes the playoffs are more similar to the beginning of the season when his team was dominant rather than the second half of the year when he was just good.  Don't look know but Dollars has broken 100 6 out of the last 7 weeks as he prepares to lose in his third straight Super Bowl.  The matchup was fairly even with both getting solid contributions all around especially from running backs.  

1. EBD 124-45

2. LZ 123-46

3. IS 120-49

4. HC 118-51

The cream of the crop

5. Dollars 89-80

6. TC 86-83

7. RM 82-87

Frisky

8. ODS 77-92

9. TS 76-93

10. BB 72-97

11. BNE 71-98

Not good

12.  SMBR 62-107

bad

13. BL 46-123

terrible

14. BG 37-132

historically awful

Was it your schedule or was it you?

ODS it was you.  Only against Los Zapatistas schedule would you have a winning record.  

BB- You could have been better but not good. You max out at 7-7 against several schedules.  Only against $$$ would you have been 4-10.

BNE- Right where you should have been, against LZ's schedule you could would have been 8-6.

BG- You suck no matter what.  You would have cratered out at 2-12 with TS and peaked at 5-9 with TC.

BL-  This one is crazy as he was awful vs every schedule but somehow would be 8-6 with IS.

$$$- Is right where we would have been vs most scheduled with a game or two except 10-4 with SMBR and 5-9 with ODS/BL

EBD had a rough schedule although tied with two others they could do no worse than the 9-5 with their own schedule with a max of 11-3 with several schedules.  Playoffs in every scenario.

HC could have been one win worse against a few schedules and peaking at 11-3 with BNE schedule.  Playoffs in every scenario.

IS- would have been crazy unlucky at 7-7 with Bricklayers schedule. Max at 12-2 with EBD.  Which is crazy that IS good weeks lined up with EBD to survive that at 12-2.  Playoffs in 13/14 scenarios.

LZ- 8-6 vs HC schedule, peak at 11-3 vs several.  Playoffs in every scenario.

RM- bottoms out at 5-9 against a few; max out at 10-4 vs LZ.

SMBR- his own schedule was the best at 7-7; bottoms out at 3-11 vs HC.

TC- high point is 10-4 vs IS schedule; 5-9 vs Blue Gatorade

TS- 8-6 with BNE or SMBR 4-10 with BL schedule.

Total Scenarios where you would have made the playoffs

The Perfect Club 100% EBD, HC, LZ

93% IS

57% $$$

50% TC

35% RM

14% TS

7% BL BNE, ODS

0% SMBR, BNE, BB, 

Dollars crushed his playoff predictions getting 5/7 correct:

$$$, EBD, IS, LZ, and TC.  He narrowly missed ODS and than less said about that BL pick the better.

The Playoff Preview

If the goal is winning championships and money, let's look at the history of doing just that in the playoffs.

Hardcore Cabinet:  20 playoff wins, 3 championships, 3 runner's up, 2 third places

The Collegians: 14---2---2---0

Dollars: 13---2----2---1

The Shoes: 12---2----2---1

Eh Big Dude: 8----2---1---0

Italian Stallions: 5---1----1---0

Rush 'n Missiles: 1---0---0---0

The playoffs are here, baby!!

HTPB 23.9

                                                   

The league continues to separate into the have and have nots.  But things are getting interesting for that final playoff spot. 

                                                Ogre's Death Squad defeats Blue Gatorade

Shrek uses a bazooka to kill a housefly.

The Death Squad could have saved some of those 7 touchdowns because just setting your lineup is enough to defeat Blue Gatorade.  Dak left the game with a pulled hamstring and someone needs to pull the lever on the electric chair for Blue Gatorade this season.  They have broken 100 points this season only once, which however is more times than they have kissed a girl.  ODS was voted to be the team most likely to emerge from the bottom to take a playoff spot and their remaining schedule is as soft as Big E's back hair.  ODS only plays one team that is currently in the top 7 (HC) the rest of the way.  

Tinker Stinkers defeat Big Nasty Express

A man smokes Arby's roast beef over a tire fire while burning down small hillbilly town of Waco.

Big Nasty Express has managed to break 82 points three times season and Tinker Stinkers took advantage with the lucky win.  Austin Ekeler was in sole control of the Commanders backfield but it was not enough because Nick Webb was in control of the roster.  In appears that BNE will continue to wait for that elusive drafted championship team.  Can Tinker Stinkers overcome their putrid point total to make a run to sneak into the postseason?  Doubtful as he only plays one non playoff team the rest of the season.  

Italian Stallions defeat Rush' N Missiles

Rocky Balboa holds the Mike Johnson cup

Rush n' Missiles was able to get 28 points from Alvin Kamara and turn into fucking nothing.  Not that mattered as Italian Stallions led the league in points this week with 160 spot. Saquon and Achane combined to score more than a few teams have done as whole this year, I'm looking at you BNE and BG.  The Loins are having the season of dreams.  They have yet to score less than 106 points this season.  Next week Italians Stallions faces their biggest challenge as Hardcore Cabinet awaits.  Can the Loins end 12 years of losing or will the streak become a teenager?  Italian Stallions would have beaten Hardcore Cabinet 5 of the nine weeks but only once in the 5.  

The Collegians defeat Stabmybalzrepeatedly

A man with a long face sneaks past a comic book security guard who fell asleep.

SMBR didn't take Amari Cooper out of the lineup but it wouldn't have mattered as Joe Burrow tossed 5 tuddies.  Amazingly none of them went to Jamar Chase which kept this game close.  The Collegians seem to have grabbed ahold of one of the playoff spots under the big 4.  With a 6-3 record and only one game remaining against a top 7 team (RM), The Collegians have been given league approval to sell playoff tickets.  SMBR may have packed it in for the season ending their impressive 3 playoff streak.  Barring an insane comeback or a crazy collapse by LZ, he will own the longest current playoff streak in the league.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats Bricklayers

 A strong muscular goat stands tall over a weak down on it's luck goat with a tiny head.

In a battle of the two greatest teams in league history, Bricklayers were unable to gain the victory despite scoring their second highest point total of the year.  JK Dobbins ran right through the remaining hope in both the Browns and Bricklayers season.  The difference in this game was the 23 point swing in defenses in a game decided by 22 points.  Bricklayers had the massively inferior D.  Although he can hold on to having the most wins in league history and tied for the most championships....for now.  Hardcore Cabinet currently holds the top spot in the league but upcoming titan battles against IS and EBD make that position tenuous.  

Dollars defeats Bay-Bay's

A Mountie is crushed under a giant bag of cash.

Dollars got himself a needed win to remain atop the teams fighting behind the big 4.  He needed this win as his schedule the rest of the way is brutal TS, RM, HC, IS, LZ.  Bay-Bay's has blamed injuries for his team being bad during it's entire existence.  This season he has been healthy and has a 5-9 record.  I am beginning to think that he is just not very good at this.  Dollars had such a good week down his roster that he was able to put up 122 with Kyler only getting 3 points.  Can the rest of the roster over come the 2nd half of the season Kyler slump?

Eh Big Dude defeats Los Zapatistas

Jason Vorhees steals a wolf's sombrero.  

Eh Big Dude is riding a 3 game winning streak into his long awaited week 10, while Los Zapatistas takes two straight losses against championship caliber foes.  EBD dude appears to have dodged a major injury to AJ Brown and his Philly stack.  Despite averaging 128 points over the last two weeks, The Shoes have nothing to show for it but two losses.  LZ will look to recover against a Charmin soft rest of the schedule of BG, SMBR, RM, BL, and $$.  These two will continue to battle with HC and IS for that coveted bye.  Although the absolutely most hilarious timeline is EBD getting to week 10 and losing to last place BL. 

1. LZ 98-19

Still a class to himself. Unico en su clase.

2. EBD 86-31

3. HC 83-34

4. IS 80-37

Title contenders every one in this group.  I would shocked if the Big Cat was raised by someone not in this group.  

5. $$ 60-57

6. BB 59-58

Mediocre Good

7. TC 55-62

8. RM 52-65

9. ODS 52-65

Mediocre Bad

10. TS 49-62

11. BNE 43-74

12. BL 42-75

13. SMBR 39-78

Not this year

14. BG 21-96

Bay-Bay's has been the only one with a large degree of bad luck, being 4 spots lower than he should be.  RM has stolen his playoff valor. 

This week Hardcore Cabinet won the week with a 6-1 record which keeps him in the overall lead for the season.  ODS went down with a abysmal 2-5 record which drops him into last place overall for the season.  

Season totals and week by week breakdown here.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/10U1yZLxPBRtqUHSNx8yUlUHe2l8aNko6d5y9UO14BRI/edit?usp=sharing

As a reminder since this is the first time I am including this in the flog, this is based of off how your team has done.  It does not know injuries or bye weeks.  For example, CMC has not played at all for EBD so Skynet has no idea he is even on the roster. I drop all decimals for ease of reading and typing. 

First round bye odds

LZ 50, HC 26, IS 18, EBD 3

Playoff odds

LZ 100, HC 99, IS 99, EBD 99, TC 98, $$ 86, RM 60, ODS 22, BB 20, TS 10, BNE >1, SMBR >1, BL 0, BG 0

We have finally made it to week 10.  Hold on to your butts. 

Game of the Week

#1 Hardcore Cabinet vs Italian Stallions

#13 BG vs #3 LZ

#14 BL vs #4 EBD

#5 $$ vs #9 TS

#8 ODS vs #11 SMBR

#7 RM vs #6 TC

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#10 Bay-Bay's vs #12 Big Nasty Express

HTPB 21.14

 

Goodbye regular season and with it we say goodbye to half the league.  Better luck next year, but here is a little nugget to hold on to for next year.  You already know your first week matchups and the team that you will battle twice.  ODS vs RM, BNE vs BB's, IS vs TC.  Despite how shitty your team was this year, have no fear, you get to play somebody who was shitty twice next year.  Is opportunity knocking or is that the Toilet Bowl Trophy clanking around in Dollars trunk on the way to Cory's house?

Evan Engram came to town and left with ODS's dignity.  When your squad gets beaten by Evan Engram, Jared Goff, and Zanovan Knight beat you can stop complaining about the schedule being what kept you from having a good season and look in the damn mirror. Hardcore Cabinet returns to the playoffs and ODS returns to the drawing the board.

Dollars gets himself yet another lucky win as he finally put BNE and his auto draft out of his misery.  Dollars has been unbelievably lucky this season.  Like horseshoe so far up the ass that it's brushing up against the back of his molars. BNE continually brings up how bad the schedule has fucked him.  It has fucked him but it was playing just the tip because BNE's record should have been a playoff missing 6-8 not a playoff missing 5-9. Dollars makes the playoffs as the third seed despite being 11th in points.  11th! That's insane. Dollars did hit 4 of his 7 playoff picks for a score of 57%.  7 percent better than a flipping a coin.  If you want to read what Dollars thought in August. click here.

In a game that had no realistic chance at the playoffs or the toilet, Bay-Bay's defeated Collegians in the IT OCCIRED BOWL. Neither team made the playoffs and Dan finishes his first season in HTPB with the same number of career playoff victories as JC (currently) and RM (at this point presumably forever and ever amen)  I eulogized Steve not going back to back this week despite Steve holding on to his impossible impossibility of playoff chances he was holding on to this week and I'm not going to spend any more time on this game. 

Eh Bid Dude defeated Rush' Missiles to send RM to his family's birthright.  The Toilet Bowl.  In his 7 years in the league, Cory has managed 33 wins.  That's less than 5 wins a season.  The following teams have more wins than Cory in less seasons: Blue Gatorade, Jeremy's Brother, Big East Ballers, and if you include playoff wins add the BloodFarts. His winning percentage is lowest in league history non Murdoch's two seasons of garbage.  The Rush ' Missiles franchise if officially the worst in league history.    And just so he doesn't get all butt hurt about me not mentioning it here, EBD won high score and position bet this week.

Italian Stallions continued to win games that didn't matter for him as he defeated Stabmyballzrepeatedly.  Fun fact: Dom's 6 wins all came in 2 week bunches. Also to make Dom feel good, Patrick Mahomes threw the same number of interceptions this week as Jalen Hurts has all season (3).  Things have fallen apart a bit for SMBR down the stretch losing three games in a row, but has he been shitty like a fox?  He cratering down the standings allows him to play Dollars (the shittiest playoff by far) and is an LZ upset of EBD away from avoiding both EBD and BL until the super bowl. 

In a battle of wolves who Blue Gatorade could have made a loser leave town match but turned into a loser gets to avoid Hardcore Cabinet in the first round match. Los Zapatistas jumped at the chance to avoid playing the team that has whipped his butt twice already this season.  LZ looks to regroup with the return of his sweet prince, while Jeremy's Brother looks to do what Tinker Stinkers was never able to do.  Win a playoff game. 

Blue Gatorade killed his playoff chances and allowed Bricklayers dreams of keeping their undefeated season alive with a Huntley homerun.  This marked the second time this season that someone living at 4231 Timberidge Ave started the wrong QB by 30 points and allowed Bricklayers to sneak off with a win. Bricklayers has been an injury free buzzsaw this season and looks to match the 2005 ODS with as an undefeated champion.

Comparing the two teams with undefeated regular seasons is very hard to do with very different scoring and 4 additional franchises in the league but I tried to do so math.  It's not apples to apples.  Jim Brown wouldn't be nearly as dominant today but he was so much better than his peers, he is widely considered the greatest RB ever.  Matt Fucking Shuab is 11th all time in QB rating.  It's fucking hard which is why I can only do based on comparison to each's league opponents that season.  

In 2022 Bricklayers scored 1747.03 in 14 games while ODS scored 1398.10 in 2005 over 13 games.  We will look at this as points scored as a percentage of the league total.  Bricklayers scored 8% of the total points in the league while ODS scored 11.8% of the league's total points.  ODS didn't have the highest point total that year as Deez Nuts bested him with 5 weeks above 130 points which under our old scoring system is about 165 in today's league.  That is fucking crazy.  But he dropped tons of shit weeks too.  Weird team that year for Deez.  Advantage ODS.  

In 2005 ODS winning percentage in the power rankings was 71% while BL came in at a whopping 76% this season.  Advantage BL.

Number of weeks with a lucky win which is how many times a team was in the lower half the league in points scored but managed to pull of a win.  This season that would be a Dollars. Bricklayers pulled out two Dollars this season. (two wins with 8 most points in 14 man league) While ODS pulled out only 1 in 2005.  (7th most in a ten man).  Advantage ODS.

Final verdict.  It's so difficult to move eras and compare.  It's basically a coin flip so you decide and debate.  But none of it means shit if Bricklayers doesn't win the title.  (See 2016 Golden State Warriors)

Final regular season pick em results.

Congratyualtions are in order for Dan who went 6-1 this week.  Kevin and Big E came in dead last at 1-6.  Overall HC leads with 60 correct picks while Jason has 59.  Brickwood is lying in the weeds with 55 wins.  ODS is dead last with 37 wins.  Playoff picks can be made here.

Final Power Rankings

						- UNLUCKY
						+ LUCKY
		PWR
	TIERS	RANK	W	L	+/-
Clear cut Favorite		BL	143	39	0
Going for that #1 spot		EBD	123	59	0
Trevor Lawrence, Lamar :( & Fish		BG	108	74	-5
		SMBR	103	79	1
		HC	100	82	0
Lobo in the playoffs, commish, too little too late, Jeremy's Bro back in the hunt!		LZ	94	88	-5
		ODS	92	90	-7
		IS	91	91	-2
		TS	90	92	3
Dog doo, dollars sneaks in		BNE	84	98	1
		$$	82	100	7
barf		TC	61	121	5
		BB	54	128	1
NEW COR COR TIER		CB	49	133	1

Yahoo Trophy Update.

EBD and BL are tied for the lead with 28 out of 58 medals, 5 clear of HC and JB.  ODS and BB pulled up the rear with 13 two behind Cory. You can check out yours here.

Round 1 Playoff Preview

Bricklayers gets a bye.  Had they played Skynet would have given BG a 34.88% chance in that fictious game.

EBD battles Los Zapatistas or whatever the hell he will be called next. Skynet says...EBD 61.28%

EBD last playoff win 2016, LZ last won a playoff game in 2019.

HC (2020) battles Jeremy's Brother (2017) Skynet gives HC 57.4% probability. 

$$$ (2018) vs SMBR (2021) with SMBR projected pull the "upset" 60.35%.

Hope you enjoyed the regular season. I will try to keep the fun coming in blog form through the playoffs if the content allows.  Let me know what features, statistics, jokes you have enjoyed.  Regardless of whether you win that week or not, Dom.