RuthlessCEE Aggresive: Heat and Velocity reviews (October 4th and 5th, 2003)

 

    We are greeted by our hosts Josh Mathews and Tazz.  I think Ernest Miller is gone.  It's a slamming Saturday Night here on Spike TV.

Match 1: Jamie Noble with Nidia vs Shannon Moore

Noble starts with two headlock takedowns.  There is some cat and mouse as Shannon avoids Noble.  Eventually Noble traps Moore in the corner lays in some boots and chops and transfers into a suplex, leg drop, but misses a clothesline.  Moore hip tosses Noble upside down into the corner.  Moore starts stomping, a rope choke, and the side slam for 2.   Moore locks in a back and arm stretch.  

Noble drops out of the hold and kicks Moore in the chest.  Moore quickly recovers and blasts Noble with a drop kick to the mush.  Noble hits a big clothesline, some quick kicks and then a running knee.  A spinning powerslam gets a two count.  Moore backdrops to escape a tiger driver and then hits a corner plancha for 2.  Moore throws his signature tantrum.  They trade some pinning combos.  Shannon tries to get his feet on the ropes. Nidia gets on the apron to complain.  Noble rolls up Moore for two using the distraction.  Noble nails a DDT and never releases Moore and locks in the dragon sleeper to get the submission win in 6:08. (***)

Match #2 Sean O'Haire vs Kevin Kruger

Kevin Kruger isn't even shown during his introduction as it's a wide shot of the arena.  Sean O'Haire throws Kruger down like a middle school bully.  O'Haire spends a few minutes just destroying Kruger with punches, kicks, and clotheslines.  Kruger goes for a crossbody but gets caught and O'Haire hits a fireman's carry/DDT type move for the win in 2:36. (DUD)

Match #3 Rhyno vs Funaki

Rhyno jumps Funaki as the cruiserweight enters the ring.  Funaki fires back, hits a head scissors and slams Rhyno's head into the turnbuckle multiple times.  Funaki nails a spring board crossbody until he gets mowed down with a big clothesline.  Rhyno takes over with corner shoulder blocks and knees to the gut.  Funaki comes back with a enziguri.  Both men are down as the ref begins his count.  They both get to their feet and trade some chops.  Rhyno ends the stalemate with a belly to belly.  Funaki dodges a gore attempt and Rhyno hits the turnbuckle. Funaki takes advantage with a bulldog for a 2 count.  He tries a school boy for another 2 count.  Rhyno takes back the advantage with a spinebuster.  He sets up for another gore and connects on this one for the win in 4:23. (*1/2)

Match #4 

Rey Mysterio vs Nunzio

They start with some gentleman's reversals.  Mysterio hits a head scissors.  Nunzio catches Rey off the top turnbuckle and drapes Rey's arm over the top rope.  Nunzio spends a decent stretch of the match working over Rey's arm with a variety of arm submissions such as top wrist locks and key locks.   He hits a flying armnbar called the Arrivederci.  Nunzio puts in more arm work.  Mysterio works Nunzio into the corner and climbs the ropes while still locked in the submission to hit a top rope hurricanrana.  He follows it up with a seated senton, spring board cross, reverse DDT flurry.  Rey climbs to the top rope but Nunzio stops him and flips him face first to the mat.  Nunzio catches a head scissors attempt and plants him.  Rey recovers with a drop toe hold to the second rope, and you know the rest.  619 and west coast pop for the win in 7:03 (** 3/4).

Johnathan Coachman and Al Snow sadly greet us after losing the RAW commentary gig after only one week.  

Match #1 

Spike Dudley vs Rico

Rico starts of with the usual ambiguously gay shenanigans to start.  Spike moves past his homophobia to hit a clothesline, hip toss, rapid chest stomps in the corner.  Spike runs the corner for a Dudley dog but for some reason just holds on to the headlock. Not sure why you wouldn't hit your finisher when you could hit your finisher.  Rico works out and hangs Spike on the top rope and knees him in the face to send him to the floor.  Once Spike pulls himself back into the ring, Rico hits a powerslam but Spike is in the ropes for the cover.  He pulls the littlest Dudley to the center of the ring for a neck vise.  Spike tries to get out and go for an up and over in the corner but Rico catches him and parks him on the top rope.  Spike blocks the super plex attempt, bites Rico's forehead and pushes him off the top.  Spike hits the top rope stomp.  Spike comes in with a flurry of an inverted atomic drop, clothesline, hurricanrana for 2.  He tries a rollup for another near fall. Spike hits Rico in the stomach with a battering ram charge.  Miss Jackie gets up on the apron and Spike heads over.  He grabs the Tough Enough champion but manages to dodge Rico's attack from the rear.  He collides with his valet.  Spike gets a roll up attempt but Rico reverses it and grabs a healthy handful of tights to pick up the victory in 6:34. (*)

Match #2

Tommy Dreamer vs Sheik Shawn Davari

Sheik Shawn Davari is already in the ring when announced.  He is praying on his prayer rug in the corner.  Dreamer locks on an arm bar which Davari flips out of and prances around proud of himself.  This gets him slammed to the mat for his trouble.  Davari tries a crossbody but Dreamer catches him and hits Davari with the fall away sack of shit slam.  Davari starts praying to Dreamer for leniency but gets his fingers stomped.  Davari finally gets some offense in with a drop kick to the knee.  Davari continues to stomp Dreamer's knee in the corner.  He hits another drop kick to the knee and takes Dreamer to the opposite corner for the same sequence of leg work again. This time Dreamer moves and completely no sells the knee on a flurry of clothesline, back body drop, bulldog for a two count.  He hits a heavy spinebuster for another near fall.  Davari escapes the Death Valley Driver and hits a DDT.  He grabs his prayer rug and tries a flying carpet splash (yes seriously. photo above)  Tommy plants Davari with a DDT to get the win in 3:14.  (1/4*).

Match #3 

Rodney Mack with Theodore Long vs Kenny Anderson

The future Ken Kennedy gets jumped before the bell.  He lays in a flurry of punches and kicks followed with an Alabama Slam.  Snow and Coachman are busy talking about Rush Limbaugh saying that the media props up Donovan McNabb because they want a black quarterback to be good.  Snow uses this moment to say that he hates liberals.  Mack lays down some big elbow drops.  Mack hits a giant clothesline, a spinning power slam and a spine buster to win in 1:44.  (1/2 *) Other than a couple of punches Anderson didn't get any offense in.

Match #4 

Lance Storm vs Steven Richards with Victoria

Special Guest Referee: Jacqueline

The former ECW wrestlers trade headlocks, leg locks, and leap frogs.  Lance Storm hits two hip tosses.  Val Venis walks out with a handheld camcorder to record the match.  We are shown the match for a few seconds here and there throughout the duration of the match.  Last week Val was attacked post match by Stevie Richards and this appears to be related.  Click here to check out my recap/review of that show.   Lance Storm hits spring board cross body.  Stevie Richards finally gets on offense with a suplex and then locks in a chin lock.  Lance breaks free and punches are exchanged.  Storm hits a clothesline, drop kick and a delay vertical suplex.  Storm puts on a single leg Boston crab.  Victoria jumps up on the apron and Storm heads after her. Victoria gets flipped into the ring.  Stevie charges at Storm but he moves causing Stevie to bronco bust Victoria in the corner. Stevie staggers out to eat a top rope drop kick for the victory in 5:36 (*3/4)  All of the focus was Val and his camcorder.  Jacqueline did nothing of any interest.  She could have been anybody.  Coachman tells us that it looks like we won't find out what Val's doing this week.  Could this be a three week storyline on Heat?  

HTPB 23.8

 Week 8 has established the have and the have nots and even some of the haves, have a lot more.

The Collegians defeat Dollars

A man hides under the covers from the number 100.

Dollars has faced an opponent who scored over 100 four times this season and he has lost three of those times.  Cade Otton and his 25 points were able to pick up for a sub par Burrow game who thankfully for the Collegians connected to Jamar Chase for his lone TD.  Cooper Kupp returned to the lineup for Dollars and got into the end zone.  The silver lining for Dollars, is that losing with 117 points will lower how lucky he has been this season.    

Italian Stallions defeats Big Nasty Express

A train robbery led by Mario and Luigi on horseback.

Big Nasty Express put up their second cripplingly shitty week destroying any chance of any tie breaker win for the Express and their multiple decade odyssey for a championship.  The Loins got back on the winning side after a blip loss last week, however they will fall a spot in the standings.  Jordan Love got injured an apparently the rest of his team took him to the hospital as single digits ruled the day for the Express with only Marvin Harrison rocking a number in the tens place. The Stallions got a boost with Tua's return who helped stabilize his quarterback position and gave Achane some room to work. Italian Stallions will try to lead a playoff push and maybe win money for the first time since 2011.  You know what else hasn't happened since 2011.....

Eh Big Dude defeats Ogre's Death Squad

Michael Myers from Halloween meets Michael Myers from Shrek

Ogre's Death Squad left two twenty point scorers on the bench but it wouldn't have mattered as EBD dropped 146 points on him.  Jalen Hurts scored 4 TD's, 3 of which were on the ground while ODS scored 2 TD total.  Eh Big Dude keeps trying to get closer to week 10 for his grand plan.  Now that his team of traded for injured players are healthy can they stay that way?  Since being voted the trick or treat team most likely to make the playoffs, ODS has lost three in a row, and failed to break 90 points. 

 

Stabmybalzrepeatedly defeats Bricklayers

An evil clown with a red shirt with a K on his shirt smashes through a brick wall.

After ensuring not having the first winless season in league history, Bricklayers went back to their losing ways.  The Allen/Kincaid super stack came through but it wasn't enough as SMBR rolled. Goff had an insane stat line, 85 passing yards with 3 touchdowns and 20 fantasy points.  Bricklayers is trying to avoid trying to get his name on the toilet trophy for the second time in 5 years.    And 3rd overall.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats Los Zapatistas

A man chases a pack of wolves off his porch with a broom.

Hardcore Cabinet won this battle of the last two former champions and swept through the Wolves this season.    Hardcore Cabinet has scored the most points in the league the each of the last two weeks.  HC got 8 touchdowns compared Los Zapatistas 5 in hard luck loss.  Caleb Williams was traded Josh Downs for 8 points.  Is it a good strategy to be tied to two rookie QB's and trying to guess which one will suck less? This may be what unties the shoes.  Don't look know but Hardcore Cabinet is going to be in the mix for back to back champions.  I'm sure he'll never mention that if he goes back to back.  Not even once.

Tinker Stinkers defeat Bay-Bay's

(A small man attacks a mountie with smoked meats)

Bay-Bay's took his 4th straight loss as it is beginning to look like BB's streak of never having made the playoffs in his career looks to continue.  CJ Stroud has been no bueno lately, which will happen when all your receivers are hurt.  Patrick Mahomes has been passed around this season but he has settled in with the Stinkers with his first multiple TD pass game since week 3.  The Stinkers have brought together Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt to saddle up once again to ride together.  Can either of these teams make a run to the playoffs sitting two games back from the final spot? Both of their schedules ease up a bit the rest of the way.  

Rush'N Missiles defeat Blue Gatorade

A Get back coach yells at a teenager.

This game existed and Rush 'N Missiles picked up another lucky win.  Blue Gatorade has only broken 100 points once this season.  The only thing that can be done for this team is to make Blue Gatorade comfortable and give the other flavors of sugary sports drinks time to say their goodbyes.  RM traded away Jalen Hurts just in time for him to finally out perform Baker Mayfield so he can continue to get less out of the position that he should.  RM has 4 straight games against teams in the top 6 of the standings so he might find himself, getting the fuck back in the standings.  

SMBR takes home the vicotry in week 8 going 6-1 while a host of losers went 3-4, EBD, LZ, BNE, IS and BG.  HC is our new overall leader and EBD is our new last place picker. Full totals can be seen here.

1.  LZ 91-13

He's been a bulldozer all year.  

2. EBD 76-28

3. HC 72-32

4. IS 67-37

These teams are really good, at this point it would be a big upset if somebody not in the top four wins the Big Cat.

5. BB 55-49

Much like being the lone Canadian, BB is the lone team in this tier and has been by far the unluckiest.

6. $$ 51-53

7. TC 50-54

8. RM 49-55

There records may be winning in the standings but have been lucky to be 5-3

9. BNE 43-61

10. TS 41-63

11. ODS 40-64

12. SMBR 37-67

13. BL 36-68

They have point totals in the 700's and losing records.  The playoffs will be a long shot.

14. BG 20-84

How the fuck does he have two wins.  This team is one of the shittiest in league history.

Game of the Week

#1 Los Zapatistas vs #4 Eh Big Dude

#2 HC vs #14 BL

#9 ODS vs #13 BG

#8 BB vs #6 $$

#11 SMBR vs #5 TC

#3 IS vs #7 RM 

(Winner takes the Mike Johnson Cup)

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#12 Big Nasty Express vs #10 Tinker Stinkers

Enjoy the Week.

 

 

HTPB 23.7

 

Hardcore Cabinet defeats Stabmybalzrepeatedly

A champion stands triumphantly outside a burning pole barn.

Stabmybalzrepeatedly decided to wrap themselves in a blanket and play world of warcraft while not communicating to human beings as they got demolished by Hardcore Cabinet.  Tank Dell, Deebo Samuel, Tony Pollard, and Dalton Shultz combined for less points than the 13.70 scored by HC's kicker.  Hardcore Cabinet scored 11 TD's in an onslaught that lead the league in points despite three regular starters on bye. Now that HC has that $5 he doesn't need to DJ anymore.  The defending champion has now won 3 in a row and is climbing up the standings in hopes of becoming the first back to back champion in league history.  

Eh Big Dude defeats Blue Gatorade

A potato wearing a hockey mask sits on a couch surrounded by empty Gatorade bottles.

Eh Big Dude continues to ride the D to wins while Blue Gatorade's entire team just continues to ride the D in general.  Blue Gatorade was able to turn a 30 point game from Gibbs into a 79.04 overall score.  Impressive.  The tush push made it's return this week as Jalen Hurts scored a pair of 1 yard touchdowns. Blue Gatorade got negative points from the red rocket which is apropos since his team is dog dick ugly.  It was BG's first draft without asking your author a single question and it shows.   His best season was the year that I had to draft the second half of his squad and hit a lot of late round magic, so he 

could go play in a baseball game that he probably struck out looking 4 times in. 

Los Zapatistas defeats Ogre's Death Squad

 

(A wolf in a sombrero has a food bowl filled with giant big toes.)

Much like Sherman's march to the sea or Big E through an orphanage, Los Zapatistas have left nothing but destruction in their wake.  Ogre's Death Squad lost both Jayden Daniels and DK Metcalf to injuries and it appears as if our voters got it completely backwards.  ODS was just voted the trick or treat team most likely to make the playoffs but his season's outlook has turned as hairy as his back.  The outlook is bright for the Shoes as they have yet to fall below 100 points in a week.  The betting odds are even on which Sergio will achieve first 99 points or 99 kids.  

Rush 'n  Missiles defeat Bay-Bay's

(Two lesser feeble little brothers fight while the crowd goes mild)

This game occurred.  You may not have noticed as it pond water gross.  Bay-Bay's is still trying to figure out who to blame for his 3 game losing streak since he can't blame injuries. It's probably your fault.   Point of clarification, Dan want to be clear that the you isn't him it's you, as in you the reader, ya piece of shit.  CJ Stroud failed to break the 100 yard barrier and his entire squad couldn't break the goal line barrier.  Rush 'n Missiles hopes to have set themselves well for the second half of the season  with only 2 games left against the top teams in the league remaining.  Bay-Bay's has been as hard to pin down as Roy's opinions on a subject as he has three weeks scoring about 125 and 3 weeks failing to break the 100 barrier.  

Bricklayers defeats Tinker Stinkers

(A man finds an oasis in the desert that is run a by tiny people)

Bricklayers finally got off the ranks of the winless this season by defeating the Tinker Stinkers who are having their worst season during their time in the league.  What can be said about Tinker Stinkers this season that hasn't already been said about gonorrhea.   Bricklayers was able to get their favorite kind of running back going again, which is a guy filling in for an injured started for a few weeks.  Bricklayers says that despite the data he FEELS unlucky this season.  Bricklayers is confusing the lack of good luck as bad luck.  He has not been unlucky as the power rankings show, he just hasn't gotten any good luck and caught someone on a bad week.  Probably because Dollars has been hogging that.  I did do the math on teams scoring higher than normal for those teams which is accurate.  Teams playing Bricklayers are 4-2-1 against their mean score.  But and I stress, not getting good luck is not bad luck.  There can be no luck at all.    

The Collegians defeat the Italian Stallions

(Rocky Balboa lays defeated in the middle of a boxing ring while a man with a cap gown is victorious)

The Collegians were once again able to pull out a victory thanks to a Burrow to Chase touchdown.  The Collegians are 3-1 when Chase scores a TD and 1-2 when he doesn't.  The Stallions are hoping to get Tua back next week and managed to go 4-2 (including the game he got hurt in) while rotating in a bunch of sketchy QB's.  The squads went into Monday Night with a Tampa receiver and left the game with two long term injuries. Despite the loss, IS stays in second place and TC find themselves holding onto the final playoff spot. 

Big Nasty Express defeats Dollars

(A steam train smashes through a bank vault sending money flying everywhere.)

In a bit investigative journalism, I have discovered that Dollars named his team not after his last name but the fact that if you score breaks the 100 cent barrier that he can't function.  Twice this season his opponent has broken the century mark and those are both his losses. As usual, BNE enjoys getting a good dicking and got it from Cameron Dicker and his 22 points.  Jordan Love has led the BNE resurgence since being traded to the squad plus a good score from the Philly D.  So clearly BNE has been powered by Dicker Loving the D.  Dollars was held back by the Jets and Whittingham scoring a combined -2 and now may have to hold for dear life to playoff spot as he ends the season with a murderers row final three games of the top three teams in the standings, HC, IS, and LZ.

Everything is coming up Hardcore Cabinet this week as he nailed both weekly bets and led the league with a 6-1 record.  Halfway through no one has went perfecto but 11 times someone has hit 6.  The overall lead is 32-17 held by HC, BL, and TC.  The rear is owned by ODS with a 24-25 record.  It's pretty hard to under .500 in this so good job.  Want to see where you fall? Click here.

 Week 7 Power Rankings

Tier 1

The clear team to beat

1. LZ 80-11 

Just sustained excellence from LZ this season.

Tier 2

In a normal year, the cream of the crop.

Really good squads waiting for LZ to falter.

2. EBD 64-25

3. IS 61-30

4. HC 59-32

Tier 3

Canadians

5. BB 50-41

Tier 4

Mediocre Teams that would be in the playoffs

6. RM 45-46

7. $$ 44-47

Tier 5 

Depending on the day

8. BNE 42-49

9. TC 40-51

10. ODS 40-51

Tier 6 Dog Shit

11. BL 33-58

12. Tinker Stinkers 33-58

13. SMBR 28-63

Tier 7 

Dog shit that was eaten and immediately vomited by a toothless lot lizard

14. BG 18-73

AOE has a had a horseshow and a black cat.  $$ is three spots lucky and EBD is three spots unlucky but once again it's been self inflicted for hopes of a better tomorrow. 

Game of the Week 

The last two champions square off

#1 Los Zapatistas vs #3 Hardcore Cabinet

#9 ODS vs #5 EBD

#8 BB vs #11 TS

#10 BNE vs #2 IS

#6 RM vs BG #13

#4 $$ vs #7 TC

Toilet Bowl game of the week

#14 Bricklayers vs #12 Stabmybalzrepeatedly

Will the league continue to separate? Find out with the start of the second half of the season.  

HTPB 23.6

Week 6 had massacres and Monday Night magic, let's dig in.  Shall we?

Hardcore Cabinet defeats Rush 'n Missiles

One special ed teacher kneels before another special ed teacher and offers him weed infused candies as tribute

Rush 'n Missiles had opportunities to avenge their semi final loss against Hardcore Cabinet but made several poor choices.  Had they played the second leading fantasy QB Baker Mayfield, he would have won, had he played the TE that he drafted early to spite HC, he would have won.  Unfortunately when the chips were down, RM stood there confused and took the frisbee straight to the shin.  (I'm now 3-0 against the other competitors in that game of beersbee, so who is too drunk now, bitches.  Hardcore Cabinet has been making hay on the ground this season and the trio of running backs, DeAndre Swift, JK Dobbins, and Joe Mixon.  

Italian Stallions defeats Ogre's Death Squad 

A big toed Ogre is trampled by a herd of Stallions

Jayden Daniels was the only position player on ODS to exceed expectations this week.  Italian Stallions continues to anger the fantasy gods by keeping hot streak run going.  The Loins are also looking forward to week 10 because if there was ever a season that he was going to end the streak against Hardcore Cabinet this is it.  Will the game of QB roulette ever come back to bite the loins in the ass.  Time will tell. 

Tinker Stinkers defeat Blue Gatorade

A tiny person holds an 12th place sign while spraying champagne.

Tinker Stinkers demands respect and apologies!  With this victory he leaps all the way from 13th to 11th place.  In a battle of two teams who had each only broken 100 once this season, Tinker Stinkers slayed the mighty Blue Gatorade and all shall acknowledge him!  Blue Gatorade did not score a single touchdown this week.  Travis Entienne had -1 yard.  Just a real shit performance, er I mean a valiant effort that was a feather in the cap of anyone who managed to defeat them.  Blue Gatorade managed to put up a whopping 46 points, which while disgustingly awful is still 10 points better than the BNE's league record low in week 2.  

Dollars defeats Eh Bid Dude

A man trying to hitchhike to week 10 gets sped past by a Ford Raptor.

EBD didn't start a full lineup and it was enough for Dollars to get his 5th straight week where his opponent did not score 100 points.  The only time this year that Dollars played someone who scored more than 100 points he lost.    Dollars continues to tip toe through the minefield this season as he has trotted out such luminaries this season as Chase Brown and Carson Steele.  Dollars has the same record as the Italian Stallions and Los Zapatistas but....  Eh Bid Dude watched all season how ungodly terrible Deshawn Watson has been.  He wants to chirp all season about how "smart" he is, but now wants pity because his margin for error is razor thin with no bench from all of his consolidation trades.  Well my friend, you are reading the wrong Flog for that.

Los Zapatistas defeat The Collegians

A wolf chases a man in a cap and gown.

The Shoes continues to pass out butt whippings.  Chubba Hubbard has been possessed by the ghost of Jim Brown, so Chubba's Hubbard's wife better watch her ass. LZ has also benefited greatly form this year's Blake Bortles: Justin Fields.  The Collegians continue to go as Burrow and Chase go.  That's has not been a winning strategy so far.  Los Zapatistas is hoping to earn that first round bye again this season and maybe actually doing something with it instead of being eliminated immediately in the next round like last year.

Stabmybalzrepeatedly defeats Bay-Bay's

(A mountie lays defeated under a pile of Magic the Gathering cards and comic books)

Neophyte member Bay-Bay's found out what it is like run up against an American original.  Breece Hall has risen from the dead to take victory from the Jaws of defeat.  Brock said that Dan has a Purdy mouth with 28 points.  Bay-Bay's takes the hard luck loss with the 4th highest score of the week.  I think if it wasn't for the Canadian exchange rate that he would have pulled this out.  

Big Nasty Express defeats Bricklayers

(The little engine that could smashes through a wall of Lego bricks)

Bricklayers continues to not find the win column as his lead in most wins in HTPB continues to dwindle.  It's gotten so bad in Layers nation that they have been reduced to not asking for the fantasy gods for a good week but instead are begging for their opponent to suck. While BL would be winless in 2 of the 14 possible schedules, he would only have a winning record with Dollars, paper mache schedule. BNE was able to overcome the double goose egg to get the victory and put more space between himself and the dog shit tier.  Jordan Love has scored at least 18 points in every game he has played this season.  BNE has a difficult schedule the rest of the way with only 1 game left against the dog shit.

Weekly pick em results.  

$$$ takes it home this week with a 6-1 record.

BG and ODS bring up the rear with 3-4 records.

Our overall leader is IS at 28-14 and SMBR pulls up the caboose at 21-21.

Tier 1 Kicking ass and taking names

1. LZ 68-10

2. IS 56-22

3. EBD 53-25

Tier 2 Good Solid Playoff Caliber Teams

4. BB 46-32

5. H 46-32

6. $$ 43-35

Tier 3 Trick or Treat Teams

7. ODS 40-38

8. RM 39-39

9. BNE 35-43

10. TC 31-47

Tier 4 Dog Shit

11. SMBR 25-53

12. TS 25-53

13. BL 23-55

14. BG 16-32

We finally have our first lucky and unlucky teams.  Dollars is three spots ahead of where he should be.  Eh Bid Dude is 3 spots lower but that is by his own design so I wouldn't classify it as unlucky. 

The Game of the Week 

#1 Los Zapatistas vs #7 Ogre's Death Squad

(The only matchup of playoff teams)

#4 HC vs #11 SMBR

#5 BB vs #8 RM

#10 BNE vs #3 $$

#13 BG vs #6 EBD 6

#2 IS vs #9 TC

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#12 Tinker Stinkers vs #14 Bricklayers

With the haves playing the have nots so much this week, the league may really separate after this week. 

HTPB 23.5

 

This week the divide between the have's and have not's widened.  Some teams may already be thinking about next year.  

                                                        Hardcore Cabinet defeats Tinker Stinkers

(A handsome man gets his father of the year trophy while a tiny only gets an Arby's bag filled with trash)

Imagine your author's surprise when assumed he would be able to see Tinker Stinkers face at his child's soccer game only for Tinker Stinkers to not be there.  The deadbeat dad didn't come to support his child instead he sat and watched a sex offender play football poorly.  In no way did I want to see his sad face and take a photo for this flog has Hardcore Cabinet scored TD after TD.  8 in total.  Lamar Jackson continued to be the best QB in fantasy and outdueled Sam Darnold 39-3.  Hardcore Cabinet chucks Tinker Stinkers aside and further down the standings.

Italian Stallions defeats the Stabmybalzrepeatedly

(An Italian horse smears pasta with the cheese so nice all over a comic book store.)

SMBR was eliminated from the Mike Johnson cup falling to 0-2.  The Loins or the Missiles will take home the coveted hardware this year.  IS scored 125 but lost two players to injury.  Has Old Testament God finally realized what the Stallions were trying to do this season?  How will the Stallions fair after buzzing through his bubble tough last 3 weeks of SMBR, BG, and BL? Has the Italian Stallions wasted all of these points on these Spider Ricos?

Los Zapatistas defeat Bay-Bay's

(Adam Cole lays beaten in the ring, defeated by a wolf in a luchador mask)

The Shoes were not playing around scoring the week high points and nearly doubling up Bay-Bay's.  LZ lowest scoring player was 15 points but a high of only 25 to lead one of the most even contributed dominations by a squad ever seen.  LZ has not yet failed to break 100 points and has been passing out beatings left and right.  Bay-bay's has lost a few players to injuries in the past week so he should be pretending like he is the only team in the league that people get injured on in 3,2,1...

Dollars defeats Bricklayers

(A man refuses to give money to a guy down on his luck in a pile of bricks)

What can be said about Bricklayers this season that hasn't been said about the Hindenberg.    Bricklayers was led in scoring by their kicker which is a recipe for success. Dollars has emerged 4-1 through a paper mache schedule, with only one of his opponents cracking 100 and having dodged the current top of the league. Dollars needs to get these wins now as his schedule ends with 4 teams in the top half of the power rankings.  

The Collegians defeat Eh Big Dude

(Joe Burrow pelts Jason Voorhies with footballs)

The combo of Burrow and Chase brought The Collegians the victory this week over Eh Big Dude.  So far this season, TC has gone the way of the Bengals. Congratulations to BG for their week 12 victory over the TC during the Bengals bye week.    As also Eh Bid Dude rides the big D, with the 23 points from Denver leading the way.  He keeps speaking of this magical week 10 when all of his players will be healed.  What will he eventually see in week 10 when he opens that Yahoo app?   Lots of red letters?  Tons of points? Something else?  

Blue Gatorade defeats Big Nasty Express

(A man known as the king of Waco loses in volleyball and American football kicking at the same time while a bald teenager wrapped in a wool blanket laughs)

Blue Gatorade broke the century mark for the first time this season.  He broke it over the Big Nasty Express' ginger bearded face.  This matchup had 5 players fail to break the 5 point barrier.    This matchup may go a long way to deciding toiletries this season. Big Nasty Express was just waiting on four points from his kicker which just like a championship team that he has drafted, never happened.  Blue Gatorade drags his competition to his level as both of his wins are when his opponent didn't break 100.

Ogre's Death Squad defeats Rush 'n Missiles

(Shrek catches a flaccid missile and squeezes the tobacco juice out of it)

Ogre's Death Squad has fielded his best team in years, as he tries to make the playoffs for the second time in past 7 years.    Baker Mayfield started out well for the Missiles on Thursday but the rest of his team got the fuck the back to the tune of 8 points per player.  RM currently sits in 9th place only ahead of the walking dead teams. Alvin Kamara remembered that he isn't a stud anymore and the bottom dropped out, or ODS says, it prolapsed.  

This week BNE and TC each went 6-1 in picks and LZ while first in the standings was dead last with a 2-5 record.  The full season standings are here. IS leads overall with 24 correct picks.

1. LZ 55-10

2. IS 50-15

3. EBD 50-15

The clear top tier continues to be Denorex above the rest.

4. ODS 38-27

5. $$ 38-27

6. HC 37-28

7. BB 36-29

The solid teams.  They are good but are going to need things to fall right come playoff time

8. RM 32-33

9. 30-25

10. BNE 27-38

Waiting to pounce on a playoff spot if the teams above have issues.

11. BL 19-46

12. BG 16-49

13. SMBR 14-51

14. TS 13-52

Dog Shit

There are still no teams more than 2 spots off either way in standings.  The current playoff teams are also the top 7 in the power rankings.  The top seed is #1 in the power rankings.  So no bitching, in the words of Bill Parcells, "You are what your record says you are."

Week 6 Matchups

The Game of the Week

#3 Dollars vs #4 Eh Big Dude

#7 HC vs #9 RM

#6 ODS vs #2 IS

#5 BB vs #12 SMBR

#1 LZ vs #8 TC

#10 BG vs #13 TS

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#11 Big Nasty Express vs #14 Bricklayers

Week 6 brings us byes for the Chiefs, Rams, Dolphins, and Vikings.  Will it bring you a victory?