HTPB 24.3

 

The ranks of the unbeaten and the winless took a big hit this week.  We had ten teams with goose eggs in a column in the standings and now we have 5. Power Rankings will debut next week.  Right now everyone is bunched up for the most part except Tinker Stinkers a clear #1 and The Loins a distant #14.

Hardcore Cabinet 112.65 defeats Blue Gatorade 88.52

(A smiling dad puts his failure bald son in the corner)

Hardcore Cabinet remains undefeated after picking up a third straight win over someone who has slept with one of Kevin's sisters.  Blue Gatorade's receiving core of McConkey and McLauren did McShitty totaling 12 points.  Hunter Henry led the way for Hardcore Cabinet overcoming yet another poor performance from #1 pick Alshon Jeanty and 2nd round pick Tee Higgins scored 1 point.  

Stabmybalzrepeatedly 105.37 defeats Bricklayers 91.99

(A man in a hoodie unleashes a team of 7 year old flag football players with giant steroid aided muscles to attack a man with a tiny head and tons of gel in his hair.)

Despite a big 21 points from Drake Maye and 26 from the Chiefs defense, Bricklayers couldn't crack 92 points.  Despite Bricklayers opponents having secured exactly zero wins against any other team, he has managed to put together only 1 win.  SMBR used a well rounded performance to pick up his first win of the season right before a tough schedule stretch over the next three weeks where his opponents have a combined record of 8-1.

The Collegians 144.70 defeats Eh Big Dude 95.22

(An mysterious wizard known as the schedule maker breaks off his relationship with a giant who has to face reality)

Eh Big Dude finally played someone who didn't have a terrible week and boy howdy did they over correct as the Collegians went nanners for 144 points.  The Collegians outscored their week 1 performance by 99.  EBD spent a majority of his FAAB on Jake Browning who left a giant brown something on the field this week.  When your team is led in scoring by a white running back not named CMC, it could be a dark stretch for EBD.  

Ogre's Death Squad 137.68 defeats Italian Stallions 98.77

(Shrek puts a stallion in a headlock while a lamb with his ankle in a cast cries.)

Geno Smith dropped a 30 spot to give ODS their first victory of the year. He's running a celebration sale on his onlyfans. The Italian Stallions are staring yet another toilet bowl this year especially after Lamb's early injury today.  Even JTT's 33 spot could not save the Stallions from their fate.  Can the Stallions avoid yet another terrible season?

Rush'n Missiles 124.65 defeats Bay-Bay's 82.63

(A coach chases off a Mountie making sure he is gets back.)

Bay-Bay's returned to where they feel the most comfortable, losing without breaking 100 this week.  RM was able to return to winning form as Josh Allen returned to form as well, getting 27 points.  James Conner was lost for the season for Bay-Bay's. Could Bay-Bay's fall of a cliff just like year after a hot start?   

Tinker Stinkers 132.05 defeats Dollars 126.28

(A dwarf smashes a zombie made of money with his bag of Arby's while a sad reporter takes notes on the changing battle.)

Tinker Stinkers used a whole heaping serving of Monday Night Magic to continue his steam rolling through the league through 3 weeks.  Both Lamar and Montgomery got over 30 points as Dollars tried to get his season of the mat behind two running backs who currently aren't splitting carries in Hampton and Mason.  Right now that all time winning percentage is taking a pretty big hit. Currently his playoff predictions are toilet bowl worthy as well as they have 2 teams that are currently in the top 7 for a combined 33% win percentage.  Take away HC's 3-0 record and the other 6 have a combined 4 wins. 

Los Zapatistas 108.50 defeat Big Nasty Express 103.84

(A man in a sombrero just edges out a train driven by Caleb Williams in a race called "Monday Night")

The BNE tried to pull of  the upset with Caleb Williams scoring a third of his team's points but the victory slipped through his painted nails.  The Zapatistas remained undefeated mainly thanks to the Colts are their horse based defense.   Will BNE still have a chance to make the playoffs when all of his injured guys return?  Will LZ ever lose?  Will I come up with something funny for this game? 

1. no

2. yes

3. not really, this bit is weak

The top pickers went 5-2 this week, with SMBR, BNE, ODS, and EBD hitting those games correctly.  EBD has at least been tied for 1st all three weeks and is our overall leader.  Everybody else got 3 right except for TC who got 4. 

Here are the guys that everybody else was stupid for letting them fall in the draft

BNE- Shaheed

RM- Judkins

TS -Warren 

LZ- Egbuka

ODS- Ayomanor

BB-Javontae Williams

EBD- Diggs

$$- Tuten

IS- Etienne

HC- JCM

BL- Kraft

Too Shitty of a bench- BG,TC

Always fucking with me on the question: SMBR

Game of the Week

#2 Los Zapatistas vs Rush'n Missiles #4

HC vs SMBR

EBD vs BNE

IS vs BB

BG vs ODS

TS vs TC

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#13 Dollars vs #12 Bricklayers

Good luck to all next week! 

Click here for episode 1 of Ruthless.

HTPB 24.1

 

Welcome back HTPB fans!  It's time for season 24!  The Lone Wolves are the top three in the standings with actual lone wolves taking the next three spots.  Goons are 0fer, and AOE only has a win because one got to beat another. 

(A giant hammer drives a nail into a Stallion)

Hardcore Cabinet 105 defeats Italian Stallions 75

Death, taxes, and Hardcore Cabinet defeating The Loins.  For the 14th straight regular season, Italian Stallions lost to Hardcore Cabinet.  The Loins have been crowing about their victory in the third place game last season, but listen very closely to this finely crafted sentence that is 100% accurate.  The Italian Stallions have not defeated Hardcore Cabinet in a game that could have trophy implications since 2011.  Luckily, there is a chance at redemption for you later this season.  But unlikely.

(A man with a small head bullies a little girl basketball player while her bald brother gets ready to defend her.)

Blue Gatorade 112 defeats Bricklayers 100

Bricklayers began their Sunday by sicking their squad of older girls against a poor helpless little angel on the basketball court.  However like a good big brother, Blue Gatorade rushed to defend his little sister against such a bully.  With only 19 points combined out of the Jags stack in a good game for Jacksonville, it could be a long season for the Layers.  Blue Gatorade unlike that piece of cow dung, Jimmy Haslem, stuck with Baker Mayfield to the tune of 27 points.

(A mountie steals a toy train)

Bay-Bay's 100 defeats Big Nasty Express 87

In a matchup of two teams that have traditionally been the moveable object and resistible force, Bay-Bay's has made off with a win to start his season.  What week will the bottom fall out this year?  Stay tuned.  The Express got destroyed more in Primetime games than Primetime's toes and bladder.   Already losing Worthy for a significant stretch of time could spell another season sifting through BNE's fingers like sands of the hour glass. Things don't look to be getting any better for the BNE family as Alex was guillotined this week in the league that his father started.  Generational fantasy poverty is a problem in this country.  

(A homeless man clutches a football trophy in his cardboard box while a man in a sombrero laughs at him)

Los Zapatistas 120 defeat The Collegians 45

The Collegians championship defense started with a whimper.  Not a single player scored double digits for the The Collegians.  Hall and Herbert alone would have produced a win for The Shoes.  Zapatistas has cashed 3 years in a row and looks to continue his hot streak.  Can he overcome the Kittle injury?

(Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler having a slap fight while wearing sundresses.)

                                                                    I can’t create that image.

But if you’d like something fun and surreal in a similar playful spirit, I could make a picture of two generic dictators in vintage sundresses having a silly slap-fight cartoon style. That way you get the humor and absurdity without using real-world figures tied to atrocities.

Want me to make that version?

So I said yes and it literally gave me the exact thing it said I couldn't have.  

Eh Big Dude 98 defeats Dollars 72

The defenses did most of the light lifting that was needed in this matchup.  The D's accounted for 21% of the matchup's total points.  Dollars playoff predictions got off to a rocky start as well as Hardcore Cabinet was the only of his 7 to get a win in week 1.  EBD gets a win in week 1 despite retiring from the league after last season.    

(Dwarf wrapped in a meat blanket standing victorious over a beaten Comic Book guy from the Simpsons after an epic battle in the roman colosseum.)

Yeah I know it's more Chief Wiggum than Comic Book Guy, but boy howdy check out that meat blanket.

Tinker Stinkers 142 defeats StabmyBalzrepeatedly 137

A high scoring matchup featuring fantasy studs like Mahomes and Henry vs Jackson and CMC led to lots of fireworks.  Both squads have planted their flags in the ground to be reckoned with this season.  Tinker Stinkers put up a league high point total with only 4 TD's.  Impressive and should be giving the rest of the league night terror sweats to go with Jason's usual meat sweats.  

(A shirtless Vladimir Putin rides Shrek like a pony)

Rush'n Missiles 125 Ogre's Death Squad 124

In a finally margin smaller than the space between ODS's front teeth, but so was the margin in LZ vs TC.  Josh Allen's huge day led the way for RM as he raked in 40 points.  ODS QB Fields also had a big day but that feels less sustainable.  Did ODS waste his opportunity to capitalize like just missing the ice cream truck?  Not for the cool sugary refreshments but for the conglomeration of children.  RM breaks his 100 point cherry early.  

 

To recap last year, HC won with 65 LZ was last with 45

This year's records can be found here.

Our Clubhouse leaders are EBD and LZ with 5-2 records. The real story is the amount of zeros.  $$$, BNE, and IS all went winless.  They are also 3 of the bottom 4 of the standings after 1 week.  Coincidence?  I think not.  

No power rankings yet, but put your bets in what week BNE and BL complain that their team FEELS like it's better than the data says so they get offended, but rest easy you two, both in real life and in math you deserved to lose this week.  

Game of the Week 

#1 Tinker Stinkers vs #4 Blue Gatorade

#2 RM vs #5 HC

#9 ODS vs #11 BNE

#6 BB vs #14 TC

#13 $$ vs #3 LZ

#7 EBD vs #8 SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week featuring ironically the last two Toilet Bowl "winners"

#10 Bricklayers vs #12 Italian Stallions

Good luck next week.

If you enjoy my take in fake football, you may also enjoy my takes on fake fighting.  This Friday my very own podcast on the North South Connection Network debuts.  So check out Ruthless as I take a week by week look at wrestling 20 years ago, with the same humor you have come to know here. 

HTPB 23.12

                                                      

The league is packed tightly for the final playoff spots but not at the top or the bottom.  

                                                      Eh Big Dude defeats Hardcore Cabinet

An anthropomorphic tree and a man clutching a trophy ride a roller coaster together.

It was a wild roller coaster of a game with two first round picks leaving with injuries, an offer to bench players for a $50 bet (should have taken that shit), a fourth TD Monday night game, and a partridge in a pear tree. The tight end position which has been a wasteland this season was not in this matchup as 57 points were scored by the position, which would have been enough to beat three teams this season. (BNE, BG, and BL).  Yahoo says that neither of these teams have clinched the playoffs but for them not to, they would have to not set lineups and multiple teams score 180 points from the 7-6 bundle.  So they are in.  

I had Nick make this for me after Roy's Njoku hate.  It doesn't hit as dickishly with the loss but I had to be prepared and still wanted to share it's ridiculousness.  

Rush 'N Missiles defeat Big Nasty Express

A get back coach with a giant wad of tobacco in his mouth ejects a red bearded man from a basketball game.

Rush 'n Missiles was able to sneak ahead by a tenth of a point to get the victory and for the 22nd straight year, eliminate BNE from winning a Super Bowl for a team that he drafted.  The Broncos took a delay of game penalty trying to get the Browns to jump offside before Lutz kicked it through the uprights.  Those extra 0.5 points on the kick were the difference.  The Will Dissly goose egg looms as large for BNE as what Dissly gave two weeks ago, he taketh this week.  RM is currently in the 7th and final playoff spot but only holds a 7 point lead over ODS so RM can still win next week and miss the playoffs. 

Los Zapatistas defeat Bricklayers

The most unlucky man in the world gets run down by a pack of wolves in sombreros.  

The Shoes got the win but things have not been well overall for Los Zapatitstas as they haven't gotten a victory against someone who isn't BG and BL since Oct 21st.  Can they beat a team with a pulse in a important seeding matchup with Dollars? It doesn't really matter because LZ has clinched a playoff berth despite what Yahoo says.   Bricklayers continues to lose and continues to not understand the concept of bad luck in fantasy football.  The lack of good luck does not mean bad luck.  There can be the lack of presence of any luck at all.  Bricklayers complained of getting many defensive touchdowns score on them, but if you take away a touchdown of any kind from every team on his schedule, he would have one additional win. The guy gets his QB to throw a TD pass to himself which would definitely be considered lucky.  So if you gave him both a bonus extra QB TD to himself instead of another human being each week on top of removing a TD from his opponent, Bricklayers would be 4-9 and one of those wins would be by less than a point.  If you put a a bag of cash floating 12 feet above your head and you can't jump up to grab it, it doesn't make you unluckier if you float the bag of cash 20 feet above your head.  You still ain't grabbing that shit.  

Tinker Stinkers defeat the Collegians

A short chef cooks a college graduate in a smoker.

Tinker Stinkers slipped a late night Chubb to the The Collegians and they didn't like it.  The Collegians kept trying to slip a white flag to Tinker Stinkers who repeatedly refused it.   Tinker Stinkers may be peaking at the right time as they scored their high water mark for the season, normally Jason can't touch outside the kiddie pool.  It may be too little too late as TS will need to defeat RM by 80 points to even have a chance to make the playoffs.  Even if that occurs he would have to outscore ODS by 75 in an ODS loss and get a SMBR loss and not get outscored by 35.  So in other words: unlikely.  In fact skynet gives it a 0% likelihood.  The Collegians can't be too confident in their playoff spot as they are in with a win over BNE but with a loss and and wins by RM and ODS, he can miss out if both score more than 60 points than him.  

Italian Stallions defeat Dollars

A Stallion eats from a feed bag filled with Dollars.

The season of dreams continues for the Loins as they have clinched the first round by in the playoffs.  The 151 points scored by IS this week is somehow only their 4th highest total of the season.  The next 2 weeks the Loins will just be trying to stay healthy as they will not play a meaningful game for the next fortnight.  Dollars however will be fighting for his life next week as he can clinch a playoff spot with a win, but with a loss can miss the post season with wins by ODS and RM and they outscore him in the upper 40's.  Not a likely combination but more likely than the 0% skynet gives it.  

Stabmybalzrepeatedly defeats Blue Gatorade

A Magic the Gathering player continues his streak while ending that of a Blue Gatorade.

Blue Gatorade remembered he was awful and scored a whopping 77 points this week to allow SMBR to continue their league high 4 game winning streak.  Only Drake Maye broke double digits and if Drake Maye doubles your next highest score, that is not a recipe for success.    Blue Gatorade's season really ended with the Bricklayers win two weeks ago as they have been playing out the string with nothing on the line now.  SMBR can still make the playoffs in the following scenario: He must defeat EBD and ODS and RM must lose.  There is no other way.  Skynet says this has a 2% chance of happening.

Ogre's Death Squad defeats Bay-Bay's 

Shrek stands victorious over a bloody member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police

Bay-Bay's rode a 30 point effort right into his usual position, losing.  Kyle Pitts was the pits with a zero point game.   While BB is eliminated from playoff contention (losing 8 of 9 will do that).  Ogre's Death Squad is trying to sneak into the playoffs.  Skynet says he has a 51% chance to make that happen. He lost Mason and Hill for the rest of the fantasy season, can he continue to ride Jayden Daniels a get a promotion to playoff team.  This is a promotion that Dom has already earned and he did it without brown nosing.  That's what Dom and Jerry Harris said at least.  

1. EBD 124-45

2. LZ 123-46

3. IS 120-49

4. HC 118-51

We have a new number 1 by the slimmest of margins.  This four continue to be the cream of the crop in HTPB this season but how what has happened when the cream met each other?

HC is 3-1 (loss to EBD)

IS is 2-2 (both wins vs EBD)

EBD 2-2 (see above)

LZ 1-2 (beat IS)

All of the matchups were high scoring bomb fests.  The champ comes from this group.

5. $$ 89-80

6. TC 86-83

While the big 4 suck up all of the oxygen in the room, this group has been solid.

7. RM 82-87

8. ODS 77-92

9.TS 76-93

Below .500 but alive for the playoffs, nobody will be screwed out of the playoffs as no team with a winning record in the power rankings will be left home from the playoffs.

10. BB 72-97

11. BNE 71-98

12. SMBR 62-107

These are bad teams but schedule luck has given SMBR a hail mary chance at making the playoffs.

13. BL 46-123

14. BG 37-132

These teams are not unlucky just terrible.  

Games with both teams playoff lives on the line

#7 Rush 'n Missiles vs #10 Tinker Stinkers

Seeding vs  playoff lives

#3 Los Zapatistas vs #6 Dollars

#4 Eh Big Dude vs #9 SMBR

Playoff lives vs nothing

#11 Big Nasty Express vs #5 The Collegians

#8 Ogre's Death Squad vs #14 Bricklayers

Seeding vs nothing

#2 Hardcore Cabinet vs #13 Blue Gatorade 

Not fucking reason at all, just for shits and giggles

#1 Italian Stallions vs #12 Bay-Bay's

What will happen?  Who will join the Big 4 in the playoffs, when will IS drop the toilet trophy off at BL?  

 

HTPB 23.11

 

With Thanksgiving approaching, the members of HTPB took some time to give thanks.  So here they are.  

It's the big leagues. No flake ass shit. CTC/DOSP being it's own institution, the draft. Great times.

The 14 members & Big Cat

That I can get a response from owners for just posting something. Good or bad, it’s always good for me. Business is good. Go Dudes! Btw I’m not just going to give a boring unoriginal response. lol

That the league exists

How close it keeps us all.

Taysom Hill

Thankful for the good times and that HTPB gets us together

The longevity of the league

Torn ACL's and all around injuries

Kickers and Ruth Ferrell

This league is my socialization outlet. Two parties a year, a reason to gather. It is a creative outlet for my writing. An opportunity to make people laugh.

The absurd defense rules we have in the league this year that allowed me to beat Bricklayers last week and avoid the toiletries fingers crossed

Bigs and Ferrell's Energy and time and hard work

Getting to talk shit and have fun with all of you fellas!

I am thankful that Kevin and Big E are dicks, but really I am thankful for this league as it has been the tie that binds.  It's what keeps us talking, keeps us together.  

Bay-Bay's defeat Bricklayers

A mountie presents a man with a tiny head with a golden toilet. 

Bay-bay's snapped their 7 game losing streak by defeating Bricklayers.  Bricklayers has clinched the toilet trophy.   Please store it properly and not in a damp garage.  Keep in in your closet next to your leather bracelets and pencil ties but don't be dickhead and damage it.   I think maybe that toilet bowls could be used as tie breaker to determine who is the best when teams are tied for most championships. Bay-Bay's may be rubbing fine Canadians syrup on himself in celebration right now but that doesn't change the fact that the franchise has never made the playoffs and hasn't played a meaningful game past Thanksgiving.  The team is always monitoring players during the season and their health status, but apparently fails to do this level of research for the draft.  Insert dodgeball strategy meme.  

Blue Gatorade defeats the Collegians

A man is hoist on his own petard

The Collegians whose record is much better than it should be based on all numbers still decided to spit in the face of the fantasy gods and call his shot this week.  Without Burrow and Chase, the Collegians are nothing much, and fell to Blue Gatorade who scored the most points they have all season and have beaten Collegians twice this season.  I have filed to petition to the commissioner to ban Collegians from the post season, as losing to BG twice should be grounds for termination.  Can Burrow and Chase put together three straight rounds of great performances to carry Collegians to a title?

Dollars defeats Hardcore Cabinet

George Washington from the Dollar bill steals a trophy.

Dollars cruised to an easy win to avenge last year's Super Bowl and week 1.  Hardcore Cabinet has now lost two in a row to dim their first round bye hopes.  (I don't know how you people live like this.)  Dollars managed to put up 133 points with Kyler Murray not breaking double digits.  Hardcore Cabinet wasted a lot of points last week against ODS and should have saved some for this week.  Dollars still has a shot at the first round bye if he can run the table.  A tall order but possible.  

Italian Stallions defeat Eh Big Dude

Rocky Balboa stands victorious and steals a man's vape.

Saquon Barkley run all over Eh Big Dude to give the Loins the inside track to the first round bye.  Tua and Archane out double dipped Hurts and Brown.  It's been a dark road post week 10 for Eh Big Dude, as they have lost two in a row.  There is a thread the needle scenario where EBD could miss the playoffs.  Italian Stallions have scored over 100 points every single game this year.  Will this be IS crowning achievement with his best team yet?  Or will he be the 2016 Warriors and blow it in the playoffs.  Time will tell.

Stabmybalzrepeatedly defeats Tinker Stinkers 

A dwarf is held captive in a pole barn.

Brandon Allen was signed just before kickoff, but SMBR could have kept Brock Purdy in the lineup and defeated Tinker Stinkers who's playoff chances are now on life support. Josh Jacobs scored 3 TD's to lead the way for SMBR who can keep the league's longest active playoff streak alive if he finishes with 2 wins and a little help. He's barely paying attention and is ahead of four teams.  Time to look in the mirror.  On the bright side, Mahomes has made TS more respectable the second half of the season after finally finding a home after several trades. 

Ogre's Death Squad defeats Big Nasty Express

A feeble Shrek needs to use a walker to get past a red bearded hill person.

Ogre's Death Squad takes the ultimate schedule win with the second lowest points of the week.  Where was this last week?  (Stares in Taysom Hill).  Jayden Daniels scored 20% of the points in the entire matchup.  ODS is firmly in the muddle around the final playoff spot, while BNE will need to win out with impressive point totals to have a shot.  ODS does get to wind up the season with BB and BL which is about as soft of a landing as you can get.  Honestly not making the playoffs would be Big E ing this away.  

Rush 'n Missiles defeats Los Zapatistas

A wounded wolf in a sombrero is about to get hit with a missile strike.

After a 6 game win streak, the Shoes have lost 4 out of 5.    Rush N'  Missiles is currently in the final playoff spot and is projected by Yahoo to keep it.  Can RM hold on or will it slip through his fingers like the final leg of late night rebound based parlay on the West coast.  RM does have an easy schedule the rest of the way with two teams barely clinging to life in BNE and TS.  RM has won every game this year that his opponent hasn't scored more than 103 points and that's been a tall order for those two this season so RM would totally choke if he doesn't make it.  Have I said that both RM and ODS are total choke artists if they both don't take the one remaining spot. You're god damn right I did.  The 40 points scored by RM kicker/defense was enough to combine with a well rounded attack to sweep the leader of the Wolves this season.  Could there be a new alpha of the wolf pack?  Or maybe the head Beta. 

EBD and IS took home the win this week with 5-2 record, while LZ took home a smelly 1-6 record.  He is in last place overall, 6 whole wins behind next to last.  HC holds a one game lead over TC and two over BL.  Since BL only picks the higher projected, Yahoo does know what it's talking about I guess.  

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/10U1yZLxPBRtqUHSNx8yUlUHe2l8aNko6d5y9UO14BRI/edit?usp=sharing

#1 LZ 116-40

#2. EBD 114-42

#3 HC 109-47

#4 IS 107-49

It's been these 4 teams all season, if you didn't know that, you haven't been paying attention.  So Kevin doesn't know this.

#5 $$$ 86-70

Dollars stands alone in the above average leagues

#6 RM 76-80

#7 TC 75-81

Smedium Teams

#8 ODS 69-87

#9 BB 68-88

#10 BNE 66-90

#11 TS 64-92

#12 SMBR 60-96

Still alive if even if braindead on a machine for some

#13 BL 45-111

#14 BG 37-119

BG has tightened this up but they are both legendarily shitty. 

The bye week is IS to lose with 94% probability.  HC 3% $$ 1%

Playoff Odds

100% Club

IS, HC, TC, $$, 

Basically in but chaos could happen

LZ 99%

EBD 95%

Fighting for that last spot

RM 67%

ODS 27%

SMBR 8%

Terri Schiavo

TS 0.52%

BNE 0.17%

Thanks for Playing

BB, BG, BL

Game of the Week

 #1 Italian Stallions vs #3 Dollars 

2 HC vs 6 EBD

8 ODS vs 12 BB

11 BNE vs 7 RM 

13 BG vs 9 SMBR

14 BL vs 5 LZ

4 TC vs 10 TS

Every game still has playoff implications and as of right now so does next week so keep up on those rosters BB, BL, and BG.