July 5th, 2023 Velocity
Commentators: Jose Matthews and Ernest "The Cat" Miller
Match #1
Jaime Noble with Nidia vs Spanky
Noble attacks from behind before the bell. Spanky gets huge air on a plancha to the outside. Noble counters a top rope crossbody to an armbar. The announcers are spending this time debating the legitimacy of Nidia's fur coat which was admitted to be fake on Smackdown, which Jose points out. I don't know if Cat's character doesn't watch Smackdown or if Cat for real doesn't watch Smackdown.
Noble holds to a top rope armbar despite a powerbomb. Spanky twists his body to get into a position to land kicks on Noble to break the hold. Nidia trips Spanky to let Noble hit a single armed DDT for a near fall. Spanky comes back with some quick drop kicks and a running knee. Unlike Danielson and Cade who trained with Spanky this does not lead to a victory. Hurricanrana by Spanky is reversed into paydirt and then a dragon sleeper for the tap out for Noble in 5:48 *** 1/4
Noble and Nidia make out in the ring to celebrate.
Match #2
Sean O'Haire vs Funaki
The post Roddy Piper world for O'Haire begins now. Matthews tells us that O'Haire's music is "C'mon" by Waterproof Blonde which is a very 2003 song title and band name. Funaki starts off with quick kicks and arm drags. O'Haire flattens him with a clothesline and then chucks him across the ring. In an odd spot, O'Haire goes for a cover after a missed drop kick. He locks in a violent looking headlock. Funaki gets some hope with a bulldog. He gets caught coming off the top rope but reverses that into a swinging DDT. O'Haire takes Funaki down with a punch and then hits the Widow maker for the win in 4:08 * 1/2
Match #3
Kanyon vs Mike Bell
Mike Bell is a former college nose tackle and the guy who Saturn beat the crap out of a few years ago. Bell is super sloppy and does not sell very well. Often just laying there. It's boring and slow until Bell hits a fallaway slam into a bridge pin attempt that he calls the Mid Hudson Bridge. Knayon escapes and hits the Flatliner for the win in 4:35 *.
Match #4
Matt Hardy vs Shannon Moore
Matt has requested this match because he is tired of Shannon failing him. He is giving him one last chance to show that he has Mattitude.
Matt Fact #1: Matt is giving Shannon one last chance.
Matt Fact #2: Matt likes pepper more than salt.
Shannon doesn't want to fight. Matt slaps him to fire him up. Shannon fights back but gets over powered. Matt hits a second rope leg drop for a standing taunt pin. Moore fires back with a top rope spinning neck breaker. Shannon hits a top rope Halo to the outside is a nice spot. Matt wins with a surprise small package in 5:29 ** 3/4.
Shannon is upset and Matt offers him a handshake. Shannon hesitates at first but accepts as they share a V-1 hand sign to prove that he has shown his Mattitude. Matt celebrates as we go of the air.
Sunday Night Heat
7/6/2003
Commentators: Johnathan Coachman and Al Snow
We open in the back with Steven Richards talking to Victoria about how great Stevie Night Heat has been going since he is 2-0, the last two weeks. Richards called over a guy in a headset to find out when his match is but is told that he isn't booked. Time to hit the trampoline, Dennis Stamp style. Steven is upset and Goldust appears to mock him. His turrets turns into a Richards' whacks off joke. Goldust leaves a very upset Richards and heads off for his match.
Commentators: Johnathan Coachman and Al Snow
Match #1 Goldust vs Ken Phoenix
Phoenix is the future Kenny Dykstra. Stevie comes out to complain to the announce team that he isn't booked on his show. Goldust is hitting is traditional moveset on Kenny but all the focus is on Stevie. Goldust wins with a twisting powerslam. (1:27 *) Stevie comes in and hits a Stevie Kick and shattered dreams on Goldust. Stevie screams about Heat being his show.
Match #2 Garrison Cade vs Mike Doane
Cade overpowers with arm work. Doane hits a dropkick and boots in the corner. Shoulder block and a missed elbow drop allows Cade to take back over. Big punches by Cade and then Cade wins with an awkward move that Snow calls a reverse bulldog in 3:44 (*)
Match #3 Val Venis vs Mike Bell
Val gives us some golf based sex puns that don't really land. Bell is better in this outing than his Velocity showing but his movements are still choppy. Snow and Coach have an interaction about Coach getting beaten up by a large woman at the bar. Snow says that she is the kind of big that she leaves the house in heels and comes back in flip flops. Val wins with the money shot in (2:30 *1/2)
Match #4
Dudley Boys vs Rodney Mack/Rosey with Teddy Long and Chris Nowinski
Teddy says that this is Rosey's chance to earn his Player's Card. Teddy yells Bam! and puts a credit card in Rosey's face. Rosey wants it real bad so he must have poor credit.
The match starts after coming back from commercial with D-Von and Mack in the ring. They trade some fast paced basic moves. They tag in their partners and Rosey and Bubba hit a double cross body in an impressive spot for gentleman of that size. They both make the tag and Nowinski trips D-von. Rosey. D-Von gets double teamed and quick tagged until he makes the hot tag to Bubba. Bubba cleans house and the hit a double suplex on Rosey. Mack hits Rosey on the break up attempt. "Wazzup" spot to Mack while Nowinski stupidly distracts the ref. Rosey hits Somoan drops to the Dudley's like any good Bloodline member should. Nowinski accidently gets in Rosey's way to set up the 3D for the Dudley victory. (**3/4). In a match that was way better than I expected. Long is mad at Rosey when it was clearly all Harvard Chris's fault.
We go off the air with a reminder to watch RAW tomorrow night.
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