HTPB 24.1

 

Welcome back HTPB fans!  It's time for season 24!  The Lone Wolves are the top three in the standings with actual lone wolves taking the next three spots.  Goons are 0fer, and AOE only has a win because one got to beat another. 

(A giant hammer drives a nail into a Stallion)

Hardcore Cabinet 105 defeats Italian Stallions 75

Death, taxes, and Hardcore Cabinet defeating The Loins.  For the 14th straight regular season, Italian Stallions lost to Hardcore Cabinet.  The Loins have been crowing about their victory in the third place game last season, but listen very closely to this finely crafted sentence that is 100% accurate.  The Italian Stallions have not defeated Hardcore Cabinet in a game that could have trophy implications since 2011.  Luckily, there is a chance at redemption for you later this season.  But unlikely.

(A man with a small head bullies a little girl basketball player while her bald brother gets ready to defend her.)

Blue Gatorade 112 defeats Bricklayers 100

Bricklayers began their Sunday by sicking their squad of older girls against a poor helpless little angel on the basketball court.  However like a good big brother, Blue Gatorade rushed to defend his little sister against such a bully.  With only 19 points combined out of the Jags stack in a good game for Jacksonville, it could be a long season for the Layers.  Blue Gatorade unlike that piece of cow dung, Jimmy Haslem, stuck with Baker Mayfield to the tune of 27 points.

(A mountie steals a toy train)

Bay-Bay's 100 defeats Big Nasty Express 87

In a matchup of two teams that have traditionally been the moveable object and resistible force, Bay-Bay's has made off with a win to start his season.  What week will the bottom fall out this year?  Stay tuned.  The Express got destroyed more in Primetime games than Primetime's toes and bladder.   Already losing Worthy for a significant stretch of time could spell another season sifting through BNE's fingers like sands of the hour glass. Things don't look to be getting any better for the BNE family as Alex was guillotined this week in the league that his father started.  Generational fantasy poverty is a problem in this country.  

(A homeless man clutches a football trophy in his cardboard box while a man in a sombrero laughs at him)

Los Zapatistas 120 defeat The Collegians 45

The Collegians championship defense started with a whimper.  Not a single player scored double digits for the The Collegians.  Hall and Herbert alone would have produced a win for The Shoes.  Zapatistas has cashed 3 years in a row and looks to continue his hot streak.  Can he overcome the Kittle injury?

(Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler having a slap fight while wearing sundresses.)

                                                                    I can’t create that image.

But if you’d like something fun and surreal in a similar playful spirit, I could make a picture of two generic dictators in vintage sundresses having a silly slap-fight cartoon style. That way you get the humor and absurdity without using real-world figures tied to atrocities.

Want me to make that version?

So I said yes and it literally gave me the exact thing it said I couldn't have.  

Eh Big Dude 98 defeats Dollars 72

The defenses did most of the light lifting that was needed in this matchup.  The D's accounted for 21% of the matchup's total points.  Dollars playoff predictions got off to a rocky start as well as Hardcore Cabinet was the only of his 7 to get a win in week 1.  EBD gets a win in week 1 despite retiring from the league after last season.    

(Dwarf wrapped in a meat blanket standing victorious over a beaten Comic Book guy from the Simpsons after an epic battle in the roman colosseum.)

Yeah I know it's more Chief Wiggum than Comic Book Guy, but boy howdy check out that meat blanket.

Tinker Stinkers 142 defeats StabmyBalzrepeatedly 137

A high scoring matchup featuring fantasy studs like Mahomes and Henry vs Jackson and CMC led to lots of fireworks.  Both squads have planted their flags in the ground to be reckoned with this season.  Tinker Stinkers put up a league high point total with only 4 TD's.  Impressive and should be giving the rest of the league night terror sweats to go with Jason's usual meat sweats.  

(A shirtless Vladimir Putin rides Shrek like a pony)

Rush'n Missiles 125 Ogre's Death Squad 124

In a finally margin smaller than the space between ODS's front teeth, but so was the margin in LZ vs TC.  Josh Allen's huge day led the way for RM as he raked in 40 points.  ODS QB Fields also had a big day but that feels less sustainable.  Did ODS waste his opportunity to capitalize like just missing the ice cream truck?  Not for the cool sugary refreshments but for the conglomeration of children.  RM breaks his 100 point cherry early.  

 

To recap last year, HC won with 65 LZ was last with 45

This year's records can be found here.

Our Clubhouse leaders are EBD and LZ with 5-2 records. The real story is the amount of zeros.  $$$, BNE, and IS all went winless.  They are also 3 of the bottom 4 of the standings after 1 week.  Coincidence?  I think not.  

No power rankings yet, but put your bets in what week BNE and BL complain that their team FEELS like it's better than the data says so they get offended, but rest easy you two, both in real life and in math you deserved to lose this week.  

Game of the Week 

#1 Tinker Stinkers vs #4 Blue Gatorade

#2 RM vs #5 HC

#9 ODS vs #11 BNE

#6 BB vs #14 TC

#13 $$ vs #3 LZ

#7 EBD vs #8 SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week featuring ironically the last two Toilet Bowl "winners"

#10 Bricklayers vs #12 Italian Stallions

Good luck next week.

If you enjoy my take in fake football, you may also enjoy my takes on fake fighting.  This Friday my very own podcast on the North South Connection Network debuts.  So check out Ruthless as I take a week by week look at wrestling 20 years ago, with the same humor you have come to know here. 

2025 Dollars Playoff Predictions

 

Dollars Playoff Picks 2025

ODS

After being a playoff pick last year then missing the playoffs here we are again. I guess I just like the way ODS drafts. Gibbs and Achane a pair of high upside PPR RBs is my favorite start among everyone’s draft! JSN, Sutton, Meyers, Pearsall and Jayden Higgins are a nice mix of WRs that give him a nice floor with chance for some upside. Njoku in the 7th is another pick I like especially with Flacco starting. Another year of waiting on QB ODS takes Fields in the 9th and pairs him with Goff in the 13th. Both have been productive fantasy QBs. Playing matchups can be tricky, should be fun watching Ogre shoot himself in the foot a couple times this season.

Bricklayers

Here is my other failed playoff pick from last season. Not only missed the playoffs but decided to go ahead and take home the toilet bowl as well. With the 13th pick in the first round Brick started his 2025 redeem team build with Brian Thomas jr. Chase Brown in the 2nd one of my favorite picks of the draft. TreVeyon Henderson in the 3rd, volume is a question but the talent is not. Filled out his WRs in rounds 4-7 Mike Evans, Calvin Ridley, Debo and Addison. Late round QB strategy landed him Drake Maye in the 9th and Trevor Lawrence in the 12th which gives him a pair of stacks to choose from. Excellent value on TE Tucker Kraft in the 10th round.

The Collegians

The champ is here! TC has cemented himself in the upper echelon of the league. A perennial contender and looking at this draft I see another competitive year. Nico, AJ Brown and Davante Adams Drafted in the first four rounds. This looks like the best WR trio coming out of the draft and a solid starting point for this build. He got good value on Kennith Walker in the 3rd and Tony Pollard in the 5th. Walker has been incredible when not injured and Pollard should have plenty of Volume on an improved Titans team. Think he went a round early on both Bo Nix in the 6th and Evan Engram in the 7th. Gotta get your guys and this gives him his stack. The stack he had last year carried him to the championship.

Hardcore Cabinet

A playoff pick one other time that I can remember. More often than not I don’t care for HC’s draft. Yet he continues to prove me wrong time and again. Stating this draft with Aston Jeanty then selecting James Cook in the 3rd. A very nice 1-2 punch at RB and I also like the Bill Croskey pick because I want a piece of that offense. Looking at this group of WRs Tee Higgins and DK Metcalf are a strong start! Jerry Jeudy may pay off his 5th round cost with the amount of targets he should get. Really like the Rome Odunzae upside pick in the 6th and great value in the 8th with Khalil Shakir. Kyler Murray and Jordan Love are two of my favorite late round QBs going into this year.

Italian Stallions

Coming off a successful season Dom is back putting together another impressive draft. Was able to land Jonathan Taylor in the second round. A talented workhorse RB really makes this build work. At WR Ceedee, Marvin Harrison, Jamison Williams, DeVonte Smith and Travis Hunter. Any game any one of these guys could pop off for 20+ and no one would be surprised. Waited on QB but went early enough to complete the Dak - Ceedee stack. Just another way this team can bury you! Lacking in RB depth and having Kyle Pitts as your TE are mild concerns.

Big Nasty Express

The last spot was just claimed by BNE post Brock Purdy trade. I now have BNE edging out Los Zapatista for the final playoff spot. Was this spot part of the trade? Though these spots are extremely coveted I can assure you I would have at least gotten a better deal if that were the case. During draft day grades I voiced concern over Tyreek Hill. I don’t think he will return to 2023 form but should be better than last year. I am on board with this group of talented young WRs Tetairoa McMillian, Xavier Worthy, Matthew Golden and Rashid Shaheed! Arguments can be made for both Bijan and Trey McBride to finish #1 at their respective positions. I even like the shots he took on Dalton Kincaid (post hype sleeper) and Caleb Williams. With Brock Purdy stabilizing this team at the QB position

Good luck to everyone this season. Honestly didn’t think there was a draft that looked terrible and it is anyone’s year. You guys are all savvy GMs and I love the competition and banter between everyone.