HTPB 23.4

 

Who hates who answers

BNE hates Cam Newton

TS hates Bernard Berrian from some JV league that doesn't even have a flog

HC -Alvin Kamara

LZ-hates Michael Thomas (he just wrote slant boy, does anyone call him this?  I had never heard it)

ODS hate LeVeon 

BB hates Eddie Lacy on a personal level

BL hates CJ Spiller (Pat Mahomes creeping in)

TC Jeremy Hill (If Hill is found dead, I'm calling the cops on Steve)

CB hates Mark Andrews, see what spite gets you 

BG hates Austin Eckler 

SMBR hates Marshall Faulk (Early SMBR was a shitshow)

Los Zapatistas defeat Big Nasty Express

(A man trades it all away but it is still not enough to defeat Mexican shoes)

The Big Nasty Express has two first round picks this year and neither are on his team anymore.  In exchange he got a Quarterback with a 9-10 record as a starter and a rookie wide receiver.  Love through in some garbage time TD's to make BNE feel better but it was not enough to get the victory.  Justin Fields managed to get 31 points, part of a 7 TD embate by the Shoes.  BNE continues their impressive two decade long run of getting their ass whipped.

Rush'n Missiles defeat Bricklayers

(A winless teacher wipes his tears with Brick bucks while being mocked on the announcements)

The Bricklayers early pick of Patrick Mahomes is going so poorly that his team appears to have committing a murder suicide pact.  Bricklayers atrocious score is more unsettling considering that he got 37 points from his kicker and defense.  Rush Missiles used a well rounded attack from several players to waltz to easy victory.  Rush 'n Missiles is trying to compile back to back winning seasons for the first time ever in their storied franchise history.  This is Rush 'n Missiles franchise story.

Italian Stallions defeats Blue Gatorade

(Rocky Balboa slams a college kid into a bush)

Italian Stallions continues to roll along and Blue Gatorade continues to be just an awful team. IS used 50 combined points from Collins and Robinson to overcome Aaron Rodgers 10 spot.  Mike Gesicki managed to get one catch for a negative 9 yards.   The 110 points was IS lowest total of the season and it was still enough to clobber BG by 27 points.  BG has yet to break the 100 point barrier this season, yet by some black magic isn't even in the bottom two spots in the standings.  

Ogre's Death Squad defeats the Collegians 

(Shrek gives his brother a prolapsed orifice in a football game)

Burrow was unable to connect with Jamar Chase on only one of his two TD passes which spells defeat. This game came down to the 34 point swing on defense or as BNE likes to call it week 2.  Jayden Daniels has emerged and may be a huge find for ODS. He also got 24 points from his favorite Steelers.  TC has been returned to little brother status.  

Bay-Bay's defeats Hardcore Cabinet

(Derrick Henry runs over a cabinet filled with weapons)

Hardcore Cabinet removed Taysom Hill and his two touchdowns and finally gave up DeAndre Swift whose reanimated corpse scored 25.  Derrick Henry outscored Lamar on Sunday Night 39-26 to put the game away.  Henry 39.40 points would have been enough to defeat BNE in week 2 by his lonesome. 
Some people might say you already used that joke this week.  But hey, it was historically bad. But I mean as Dollars would say.  GOT DAMN.  Bay-bay's was fielding membership offers from a trio who only had one member break the century mark this week but may have had blood alcohol contents that did.

Eh Big Dude defeats Tinker Stinkers

(A tiny man tries to trade a bag of trash for a bag of garbage to no avail)

Kenneth Walker returned from injury with 3 TD's because Seahawks receivers were caught on the 1 yard line trip wire.  Tinker Stinkers made several trades recently which felt like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, as the Stink sank further into the sea.  Tinker Stinkers has fallen on hard times since his impressive playoff streak was broken.    This matchup featured the rare double owner puke.  EBD from consumption and TS from Kenneth Walker. 

Dollars defeats Stabmybalzrepeatedly

A man swims in a martini glass smugly holding a sign that says 97

Dollars put down more drinks than SMBR put up points this week. Dollars has made it to 3-1 with a horseshoe, but was able to overcome the $38 spent for Carson Steele to get negative points and be passed by two guys signed off the street.  Flog researchers have been running tests to see what was more wasted, Dollars on Sunday night or $38 FAAB.  SMBR managed to get off the winless road last week but quickly returned from that detour to return to old school SMBR.  But I am sure it will turn around after the Jets have said that they need to reexamine giving the ball to #2 overall pick at the goal line.  

In weekly pick em, we had a whopping 5 owners go 6-1.  Congratulations to EBD, IS, BB, HC, and TS.  BNE managed to get 2 right so good job by you, buddy.

For the season overall IS is leading these standings as well at 19-9 while BNE and SMBR are 14-15 to bring up the rear which is still pretty good compared to most years. 

All the records can be seen here

We've got power rankings with enough data for some analysis baby!

1. EBD 42-10

2. LZ 42-10

3. IS 41-11

Clear top tier.  These three have been kicking ass and taking names.

4. BB 35-17

5. ODS 31-21

6. RM 29-23

This tier has been very consistent which can lead to championships see HC 2023.

7. $$ 28-24

8. HC 26-26

9. BNE 23-29

I was just as shocked as you to see BNE in here in the mediocre category.

10. Tc 18-34

11. SMBR 14-38

12. BL 13-29

13. BG 11-41

14. TS 11-41

This tier has been awful.  Time to look in the mirror fellas.

As far as luck rankings nobody is more than 2 spots different then they should be which for this point in the year is crazy.  

 Game of the Week

#2 Bay-Bay's vs #4 Los Zapatistas

HC vs TS

ODS vs RM

BL vs $$
EBD vs TC

IS vs SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#10 Big Nasty Express vs #12 Blue Gatorade

See you all next week.

HTPB 22.4

 

Week 4 is in the books and no longer is any team winless.  The Wright brothers were hoping for some Monday Night Magic but came out like the Wrong brothers.  Plus you guys said shit this week so this will be a better recap. 

Bay Bay's were able to survive without good performances from Tua and Tyreke as Nico Collins and the Jaguars defense, carried them to a victory over Hardcore Cabinet.  Lamar Jackson and Kyren Williams scored over 50% of Hardcore's total, as backup QB decimated the performance of his receiving core. Two teams headed into different directions in this one.

Rush'n Missiles pulled off his second straight victory and enjoyed a colored flavored sports based beverage.  RM had everyone but the Muth firing on all cylinders.  While much like the last three seasons, Blue Gatorade was Justin Jefferson and nothing else.  RM excitedly procured his beverage which obvously was not supplied by the dead beats like Nick and Jason who still owe Max a case of said beverages from their humiliating bowl picks defeat.  Did I manage to turn a game between RM and BG into a deserved slam on these two non Lannisters?  (You can't just fuck your relatives guys, there is more to it than that)  I am that good.  

Editor's Note: It was really hard to find a picture of a horse on steroids that wasn't just a horse actually being injecting with steroids for cheating in horse racing.  I have joined PETA because of the extra time I had to spend finding this photo of a ridiculously muscular horse.  Leave those damn horses alone so I can find a funny pictures ya fucking  jockeys.   

Italian Stallions got their first win of the year with a crazy week, totaling 181 points as 7 of the 9 IS players scored touchdowns this week.    Jeremy' Brother got the first good game of the season from Fields and got 1 catch from George Kittle.  Italian Stallions gave JB the Toyota beat down of the week but this beat down deserves a whole fleet of Toyotas.  JB should be cruising around to local Arby's in these bad boys soon.

Joe Burrow continues to suck for longtime Bengal fan, BNE. Burrow has not been a quarterback this season he's been something else.  Just how close is Burrow to BNE's preseason tuddy prediction? Justin Herbert was able to play through his injury, scoring points with his dislocated finger to put up 24 points.  I'm sure with Tee Higgins and Michael Evans injuries that BNE will be able to get the train on the tracks again.  I know Eric Michael thinks if he just stays quiet this year, I won't do it.  But I still will.

            (This is a photo of lots of white flags not a blurry photo of EBD and his friends hanging out)

Eh Bid Dude and Ogre's Death Squad had a weird let's attempt to surrender while the game is still a coin flip.   In the end EBD unsurrendered the least or the most or I don't even know anymore as the Royller Coaster is even changing by the hour.  He's the best team ever assembled to I will lose with a 48% chance of victory.  He did get Derrick Henry for a bag of magic beans this week and he went crazy, throwing for more touchdowns than Joe Burrow.  ODS didn't get that Lockett touchdown last night to get the win so he woke up tired and disappointed, much like his wife the day after their wedding. 

The Collegians thought they had wrapped this game on Thursday night with 3 TD's from David Montegomery.   Until Stephon Diggs showed up on Sunday.   The Collegians prayed to the gods of Monday night football and did get DK to outscore Geno but in a monkey's paw scenario, he only outscored him by .13.  Los Zapatistas continue to roll along in defense of their championship.  

Dollars broke the century mark and got his first win of the year but remains in last place.  It was a toxic wasteland for Stabmyballzrepeatedly this week as only Josh Jacobs came to play.  Will the $70 man continue to produce with Cooper Kupp returning to practice this week?  Will SMBR bounce back after having the low score of the week?  Will either of them read this? Stay tuned.

                                                                Week 4 Power Rankings

1. EBD 39-13

2. LZ 36-16

3. RM 35-17

4. BL 34-18

5. BB 29-23

6. TC 26-26

7. ODS 26-26

8. BNE 23-29

9. JB 23-29

10. SMBR 22-30

11. HC 21-31

12. IS 20-32

13 $$ 16-36

14 BG 14-38

BNE is the unluckiest as he should be four spots higher, while BG is the luckiest being 4 spots higher than he should be.  Dom used his massive week to leap all the way up to 12th place!

Pick 'em results

Jeremy's Brother won pick em this week, going 6-1.  He let himself down as his self pick was the only game he got wrong. 

BNE brings up the rear with a 2-5 record.  

Pick week 5 here.

Week 5 preview

Game of Week 

#1 Eh Bid Dude vs #3 Los Zapatistas

BB vs JB

BNE vs BG

BL vs TC

RM SMBR

HC vs ODS

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#11 Italian Stallions vs #14 Dollars

See you next week. Good banter this week.  

HTPB 22.3

 

Week 3 is in the books and every team has at least taken one L.  While two teams continue to wait for their first victory.  It was a nanners week with several games in the NFL being lopsided blow outs which led to some crazy scoring in HTPB.

Editor's note:  I was at cub scout camp and DJ'd a wedding and you guys were pretty quiet in the slack so not much to go on here.

The Buffalo Bills defense and kicker left scorched Earth in their wake.  7 of Sergio's 9 players reached double digits to give him the high score for the week. That was with a 49 point RB on the bench.  Los Zapatistas appear to be full shoes ahead in defense of their crown and Hardcore Cabinet looks to regroup after taking a mild bad luck loss and continue his strategy of waiting for Kupp and praying.

Jeremy's Brother lost his Chubb but was able to stay in the game using the Eagles D. Whew that was a lot of erection references for a single sentence or as Big E calls it, the best sentence. Although neither QB could throw the ball through the tire, JB was able to get the win and in be in the top half of the league in scoring.  If you told me that JB would win with no Chubb and 2 points out of Henry, I would have said, "Oh he must be playing Italian Stallions this week."  

(If the district championship was the toilet bowl)

Rushin' Missiles defeated Italian Stallions in their 3rd good week in a row to earn his first win.  He was able to meet the cure to any bad stretch, the Italian Stallions.  Davante Adams outscored 6 of Italian Stallions players on his own.  Italian Stallions started a defense that gave up 70 points!

Dollars remained winless and was nearly beaten by Tua and Tyreke on their own.  He didn't get much of any other scoring but luckily for BB he did not need it.  Dollars finally played the 70 dollar man Puka and this week got 5 catches.  Is Alvin Kamara going coming off suspension going to be enough to turn around Dollars season? Dollars having not broken 100 yet this season.

Joe Burrow remains one passing TD ahead of Keenan Allen in the race to 50. BNE got 7 TD's a lost.  SMBR took a well rounded performance as only Taysom Hill pulled a Burrow.  Here's some footage of BNE drafting all the Bengals high this year.  Shades of the Derek Anderson/Jamal Lewis debacle of over a decade ago. 

The Collegians walked wounded team was able to defeat Blue Gatorade and end their run of winning while not doing shit narrowly.  Collegians was able to sneak by a point and avoided Mixon getting some clock killing carries at the end of Monday Night Football.  Blue Gatorade was one ten yard run from Mixon to being in first place but is now all the way down to 9th.  

EBD watching the Cowboys defense this week.

The two teams that ended the week at the top of standings battled this week, with Bricklayers ending up on top. Mike Williams left it all on the field as his season ended with a 19.05 point week. The magic of Dallas' defense struck midnight this week and EBD was unable to compensate to pull of the victory. EBD has seemed to have discovered Sam LaPorta as a key contributor.  Anybody remember Matt LaPorta? He was the big pickup when Cleveland traded CC Sabathia. If you don't remember him...he sucked. Bricklayers is leading the league with a 90.4% start accuracy percentage.  That means he has put the best possible roster lineup almost completely.  No bench regrets for BL.

(Spaces intentional for grouping)

1. EBD 30-9

2. BL 27-9

3. LZ 26-13

4. RM 23-16

5. SMBR 22-17

6. BNE 21-18

7. ODS 20-19

8. BB 18-21

9. HC 18-21

10. JB 18-21

11. TC 18-21

12. BG 13-26 

13. $$ 12-27

14. IS 7-32

Luckiest Team: Jeremy's Brother is 4 spots higher than deserved

Rushin Missiles is a whopping 7 spots lower than they deserve. 

Weekly Pick em

The weekly winner was RM with a record of 6-1 only missing on Collegians defeated BG

EBD and HC pulled up the rear with 2-5 records.

Pick week 4 here.

This week's matchups are highlighted by #1 EBD vs #7 ODS

BL vs BNE

BG vs RM

HC vs BB

LZ vs TC

$$ vs SMBR

Toilet Bowl 

#14 IS vs #6 JB
 

 

HTPB Week 21.4

 

Blue Gatorade despite being smart, kind, hard-working and handsome was unable to pull off the victory for the third week in a row.  HTPB officials have launched an investigation into how such an adorable cuddly baby boy could have possibly started the season so poorly because it isn't his fault.  Eh Bid Dude is off to an undefeated start which means we have to listen to him talk about how much he knew before the season began, as he knew all of this and told us all.  My advice to EBD on how to handle the quest for the perfect season comes from Ernest Hemingway himself.

 “But man is not made for defeat… A man can be destroyed but not defeated.”
The Old Man and The Sea, 1952

That is all I have to say about Blue Gatorade this week, so you can go ahead and close the blog now, Ang. Have a great day.  Alright moving on to another game.  Nothing to see here.  Way to get the top running back and top receiver heading into the draft and turn it into an 1-3 record. This is me waiting to see you win a game or kiss a girl.  Well it looks like I am being served some documents here. So I am really going to need those page views and Jesse to do his job of clicking because I'm losing half my stuff.

 

In a game that flew under the radar of being shitty due to a much much shittier game, Bay-Bay's defeated the Big Nasty Express.  BNE was a total Dortch and didn't come to the draft and is paying the consequences to support his son in football which word on the street is he is more likely to wrap up a breakfast burrito than the ball carrier.  I'm trying to transition this blog into exclusively shaming children.  BNE lost another defensive coordinator battle to fall to 0-3-1 which on the bright side is better than his actual record.  Bay-Bay has managed to not play a team that has broken 100 points all season, yet is still just 2-2.  His ride the Chargers plan seems to not be the greatest when the Chargers scored 34 and Herbert/Eckler combined for 53 points and you didn't break 100.  Could be trouble.  Luckily Bay-Bay's got to battle a jobber like BNE. (I could not find footage of an Adam Cole squash match so here is the Steiner Brothers messing up some poor schmucks.)    

Jeremy's Brother had the highest score in the league, I mean wow, am I right, Sergio. It took a rainstorm to slow Lamar Jackson down, but it may not have mattered as TJ Hockenson and Rashard Penny went crazy.  Don't look now but Jeremy's brother has emerged from a difficult schedule to start the season (Only one goon) 3-1.  SMBR still broke the century mark due to 52 points from his running backs.  JB was able to see SMBR's ground game coming since that's basically eye level for him and he was able to adjust leaning into his Tinker Stinkers past and get DK Metcalf back in time from taking a shit.  Was that good enough for you Jason? I know its not what you usually read, but it's good enough.  When is that Goofus going to get it together, am I right?  Either way the little man came up big.

I think we can finally say that The Shoes are dead this week.  Josh Allen finally got some help and ODS was able to earn his first victory of the season.   The shoes finished up an easy portion of the season playing mostly cellar dwellers and Hardcore Cabinet.  The Shoes have been stomping through shit and didn't capitalize.  The Death Sqaud has been putting up points but hadn't been able to taste victory until the Shoes came to town.  They could be scary the rest of the way but most likely since Big E is involved, we all know where it's heading.  Guess what Sergio, I wrote this shit Monday afternoon, I had no faith in you.

(remember to always save your receipts, Dollars never talks shit in the thread so I had to make sure he got his nose hit with a rolled up newspaper for doing it this time.)

It was not a good idea to take two guys so fresh from Dom's team and try to beat Hardcore Cabinet with them.  It was too fresh of a wound for Bateman and Wilson.  Somehow Dollars managed to lose to a team that lost it's top drafted running back and receiver and lost the first pick of the second round in the second quarter.  The fantasy gods wanted Dollars to win, but that Italian Stallions stink was too hard to remove.  The weeks on the Italian Stallions programmed them to fold as soon as they saw Hardcore Cabinet take the field.  Dollars someone managed to lose this game but climb in the standings. That's failing upwards, brilliantly. But that did move Dollars into playoff position to give his preseason picks 4/7 currently correct a season high.  Don't forget to defend yourself against Roy and Brickwood because Robinson was the right choice over Akers, Robinson 2.35 to Akers 1.30.  Take that victory lap, buddy.

Bricklayers was able to stay undefeated with a schedule victory over Rush'n Missiles.  Jalen Hurts finally slowed down but some of the slack was picked up by Kelce and Pierce to defeat the 0 girls 1 Kupp attack from RM.  When your kicker is your third highest scorer of the week, thing are not going well.  Bricklayers moves on to try to become the second Eric to go undefeated which isn't even that cool when you look at it that way.  Rush'n Missiles looks to regroup and try to do something he has never done before, no, not please a woman sexually, win a playoff game in HTPB.  Hey if you guys felt this game's wrap up was boring, that's because it was I'm sorry but if you guys don't say anything, I can't turn it into anything.  Really the blame is on you two.

Last and most certainly least is the toilet bowl matchup between Italian Stallions and The Collegians.  This craptacular game more than lived up to the hype.  It fittingly came down to a battle of Monday night kickers and even more fittingly came down to a missed kick to give the Collegians the "win".  The Italian Stallions have been slow getting out the blocks this decade and need a chance to warm up.  On the plus side, both Wilson and Bateman got banged up after you dealt them so maybe you will win the trade in the long run after losing it this week.  Italian Stallions is in danger of wiping May Be Fat off the record books as the worst team in HTPB history, and lets be honest, despite the victory, Collegians is as well too. 

					- UNLUCKY
					+ LUCKY
	PWR
TIERS	RANK	W	L	+/-
1	SMBR	42	-3	-2
	BL	41	-2	1
	EBD	41	-2	0
2	ODS	37	2	-6
	TS	35	4	1
	HC	34	5	1
3	BG	28	11	-4
	BNE	26	13	-5
	$$	22	17	3
	LZ	22	17	2
	CB	21	18	3
Bad	BB	14	25	3
$$	IS	9	30	-1
	TC	6	33	2

Avg Rank		OVR ALL	WEEK 1	WEEK 2	WEEK 3	WEEK 4
2.7	BL	2	3	3	2	8
3.3	SMBR	1	8	1	1	5
4.3	EBD	3	4	4	5	3
5.3	ODS	5	5	8	3	4
6.7	BNE	6	2	11	7	11
7.0	TS	4	9	2	10	1
7.0	HC	7	7	5	9	2
7.7	BG	8	1	9	13.0	6
8.0	CB	9	11.0	7	6	12.0
8.7	LZ	10	12.0	10	4	9
9.3	$$	11.0	14.0	6	8	7
11.0	BB	13.0	6	13.0	14.0	10
11.3	IS	12.0	10	12.0	12.0	14.0
12.7	TC	14.0	13.0	14.0	11.0	13.0

Nobody has been in the top half of the league every week anymore Bricklayers getting a mildly lucky win while The Collegians are the only team that's been at the bottom each week.  BNE is really being held up in the power rankings by the week 2, 2nd most points loss.  

Pick 'em Round Up

It was not a good week for picks as 4-3 was the best record shared between (BL, HC, and BB) Kudos to BB in being the only person to believe in BB.  The low men went 2-7 (ODS, EBD, SMBR) Also congratulations are in order to The Collegians who doubled their season win total with a 3-4 record.  Everything just keeps coming up Steve this week but in a slightly sad way still. Week 5 pick 'em link here.

Skynet can't fathom Italian Stallions and despite the win, the collegians making the playoffs. 

Week 5 Preview

 

Game of the Week

#2 EBD vs #5 Hardcore Cabinet

ODS vs BNE

BL vs LZ

$$ vs JB

RM vs TC

SMBR vs BB

Toilet Bowl Game

#11 Blue Gatorade vs #14 Italian Stallions

(Skynet simulations of Week 5)

Enjoy your week.