HTPB 25.6

 

Everyone got hurt.  Big Nasty Express and Blue Gatorade continued to win.  Meat was smoked.

Big Nasty Express 102 defeats Hardcore Cabinet 56

The Express continues to chug along undeterred towards an undefeated season.  The squad got Caleb Williams back but wasn't set back his pedestrian 16 points. Through 6 weeks, Hardcore Cabinet has either been the highest or lowest score in 66% of the weeks. Hardcore Cabinet is a desolate wasteland left behind by God and any with enough good sense to leave.  Those left behind are doomed to an eternity of gang rapes and tales of the before time.  

Tinker Stinkers 120 defeats Ogre's Death Squad 67

Without Gibbs Ogre's Death Squad had as much chance of victory as he does in a closest aligned teeth contest.  Even with Cam Skattebo not being given a single touch, the Stinkers were able to steam roll the Ogre behind Drake Maye and the Steelers defense.  The Stinkers have been Tinkering with several trades and have hopes to turn their season around.  

Eh Big Dude 102 defeats The Collegians 97

The Collegians continue to plummet towards a toilet season, failing to break 100 even with 21 points from Tre Tucker.  Eh Big Dude continues to rise in the standings but things look to get much harder for the Big Fella as his schedule so far has not included a single team with currently with a winning record.  

Los Zapatistas 120 defeats Stabmybalzrepeatedly 76

Stabmyballzrepeatedly lost his QB to a blood cot and his backup to brain rot.  Los Zapatistas finally got a well rounded performance from his team and it lead him to the winner's circle.  Maybe he can rebuild on the season going forward. He gets three straight weeks of team's without a winning record to try and bounce back off his 4 game losing streak. SMBR has still yet to play IS, BG, and BNE so that combined with the quarterback situation could have already ended his season.

Dollars 128 defeats Italian Stallions 102 

Bijan Robinson was held in check and Italian Stallions could not overcome. Dollars hasn't scored below 100 points in a game and got his second win on the season.  Waiver wire pickup Germie Bernard brought in 21 points and Kenneth Walker continued to dominate.  Dollars looks to put himself back into the playoff picture.  Speaking of playoff spots, Dollars predictions currently have 5/7 correct.  

Bay-Bays 119 defeats Rush'n Missiles 73

Bay-Bay's picks up a big win as Huntley outscores Ward, he also won his fantasy matchup.  BB's continues his strong run to the upper half of the league, but the schedule gets a lot more difficult the rest of the way.  Was last year's playoff berth an aberration or is BayBay's here to stay.  The follow up season to the title has been a disaster for RM. He's 2-4 entering Josh Allen's bye week and with Judkins and Barkley injured the season may be in do or die mode.  

Blue Gatorade 124 defeats Bricklayers 79

The double tight end have Bricklayers 2 total points and with Love and Montgomery both out with injuries there was little hope.  Bricklayers haven't been this embarrassed by a kid in college since somebody impersonated Cie Grant in New Philadelphia.  Blue Gatorade continues to steam roll and pick up wins, while not even paying attention on Sundays as they sleep off the weekend.  The Browns shut down Derrick Henry but the rest of the squad led picked up all the slack and more.  At 6-0 and with tons of points, it would be an epic collapse for Blue Gatorade to make the playoffs ending his two year sucktastic stretch.  

Blue Gatorade's essay submission

The ghost of Hulk hogan comes out of one of the houses and yells racial slurs. Some spooky night. Quick, reach for the “flying elbow drop.” All of a sudden, the ghosts of hulk hogan and Randy savage are fighting at the center of the cul de sac like it’s 1989 at Trump Plaza in Atlantic City. All 14 members of HTPB are gathering around. Blue Gatorade, dressed as stone cold Steve Austin for the night, gets into character and just gets shitfaced ringside. Sergio is confused thinking the match is a bull fight and jumps into the ring with a red flag. In a flash, he is hit with an atomic leg drop. Los Zapatistas is rendered unconscious for the remainder of the night. At this point, it’s been a very even matchup between the ghosts. Just as the macho man starts to pull away, failbmfa, clutching his hulk hogan stuffed plush toy, jumps to action. No way! He’s on the top rope! What is he ever to do up there! He yells out to Randy savage, “Whatchu gonna do when hulkamania runs wild on you??!!” He takes to the sky off the top rope and misses Randy savage entirely blowing out both of his knees upon landing. Did you guys really expect anything different? While the crew deals with the injury, we cut to a commercial break. An advertisement for next week’s cul de sac clash appears as it’s the biggest night of the year! It’s Tinker Stinkers in…midget wrestling! He tries to defend his Arby’s gift certificate from hornswoggle in this epic bout. Now back to the action, some of the HTPB guys around the ring have noticed that one of the houses belongs to bloodfart Bart. He’s apparently trying to make his way to the action but he can’t figure out how to open his sliding glass door. Well, nobody’s gonna help him. He’s a grown ass man. Randy and Hulk in the ring is a blood bath. It’s gotta be over soon for all of our sanities. Hulk hogan hits Randy savage with an axe bomber that’ll surely seal the deal. He pins him, the ref shouts 1, 2, …and out of nowhere is hit from behind by none other than DIRTY DOM! He hasn’t made an appearance since before Blue Gatorade was even born! Dirty Dom now snaps to pinning Randy savage and he has won the hypothetical 1989 WWF championship belt between a racist ghost, a not so macho man, and cameos from middle aged men who at one point actually did this shit! It’s unbelievable! We all get to go home now.

Tinker Stinkers' Essay

Mason- wearing some sort of mask(he thinks he’s too cool for halloween; he’s definitely not Luke- Men in black agent(we are borrowing our one friends pug that looks just like the one in the first movie) Karter- not sure yet he might just wear his josh Allen jersey(he was smart and picked a different team to like instead of suffering being a browns fan) Mason is confused on that street and says this is a confusing as when dad decides to draft zero receivers every year and then trades his whole team season after season for very mediocre ones Karter is also, confused but feels like it’s a chance to get more Candy once we figure it out so he want to keep trying to get to those last three houses. Luke is the smartest person in the family I expect big things from him one day, so he says I don’t know why this is as confusing as dad staring at an Arby’s menu trying to figure out what to order. So he suggests how about we just turn around to the normal street and leave. So that’s what we do and get out of the time loop.

BG, BL, and $$ went 6-1 to get the win for the week.  SMBR comes in with the 1 spot to take the basement.  Dollars is our overall leader and The Loins and SMBR are at the bottom.  Check it out here.

#1 Blue Gatorade 58-20

#2 IS 57-21

#3 $$ 54-24

#4 BNE 50-28

The top four have been pretty consistent this year.  It's been these 4.

#5 BB 48-30

#6 BL 44-43

#7 EBD 41-37

Our fairly solid teams

#8 LZ 38-39-1

Sergio

#9 HC 29-49

#10 TS 28-49-1

#11 ODS 28-50

#12 RM 27-51

#13 SMBR 24-54

Not good teams

#14 The Collegians 19-55

Trash

Games of the Week

#5 Bay-Bay's vs #2 Big Nasty Express

BB 4-2

#4 Eh Big Dude vs #3 Italian Stallions

Series tied 15-15

#11 RM vs #12 HC

HC 6-4

#13 SMBR vs #1 BG

Series tied 4-4

#7 ODS vs #8 $$

$$ 13-9

#6 BL vs #9 LZ

BL 13-9

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#10 Tinker Stinkers vs #14 The Collegians 

TC 5-4

See you next week!

HTPB 25.4

 

Every team has finally picked up their first win but two teams still refuse to lose although this week it was luck pulling them to victory rather than performance.

Hardcore Cabinet 171.52 defeats 152.42

In a shootout reminiscent of the rice patties of Vietnam,  Hardcore Cabinet outlasted the Dudes thanks to a combined 31 receptions, 381 yards, and 3 touchdowns from CD Lamb and Tet McMillan.  Maybe EBD could have pulled out the win if he had not angered the fantasy gods, but he put his foot in the mouth too many times leading into a matchup with Hardcore Cabinet.  He said HC needed to make some moves to turn the season around, mocked his low projections, and awoke a team that had been staggering drunkenly through the season.  EBD falls to .500 on the season and 18 games under .500 for his career. However, in reality, Hardcore's team is not good.  It starts Jakobi Myers and Oronde Gadsen weekly without bye weeks. Yet they find themselves in 4th place.  I am just as confused as you.

Big Nasty Express 99.32 defeats Rush'n Missiles 95.61

If you are going to have the season of dreams, it is important to sometimes get lucky, which is what BNE needed to remain in first place. The Missiles continue to just be Josh Allen and with Moore and Barkley going down, things could be going down a dark road for the defending champ. Ollie Gordon scored 19 points or 0.28 points per FAAB dollar spent.  BNE hopes Caleb returns soon as Geno Smith managed 119 passing yards in a game they were losing the whole time.  

Ogre's Death Squad 102.57 defeat Ogre's Death Squad 68.58

Jamyr Gibbs couldn't do the heavy lifting for the ODS and Lions.  Maybe elevety million touches a game will wear you down.  Both McConkey and Rice got injured and put up goose eggs for the Squad. The victory catipulted The Collegians all the way up to still in last place.  While the loss put the ODS as the worst team in the 2-2 log jam.  

Bay-Bay's defeat 141.98 defeat Dollars 124.78

Dollars has put up point totals of 132, 139, 105, 124 and that has lead to one win.  If Dollars still lived off of Shorb you know he would be having some drywall knuckles. Bay-Bay's got Puka and Nico back which definitely sounds like a show on Disney Jr, and they gave the squad 48 points.  The Chiefs and Dollars continue to ride Kenneth Walker.  Probably riding him reverse cowboy style. Dollars schedule will ease up a bit as he has already faced the two 4-0 teams. Can he take advantage. As of right now, Dr. Dollars playoff predictions are sitting at 4-3.  

Blue Gatorade defeats Tinker Stinkers 87.05

Blue Gatorade got 15 points from each of his 3 running backs and it was enough to send the Stinkers to 1-3 on the season. This season has been a real kick in the head for the Stinkers.  Two members of the team didn't even break 2 points.  Blue Gatorade unlike the other undefeated team has not gotten a cheap one, with each week scoring at least xxx points. BG matches his win total from each of the previous two seasons with 4.  

Stabmyballzrepeatedly defeats Bricklayers 

SMBR finally gets in the win column, thanks in large part to the difference in points from Higgins to Chase in the trade made by Bricklayers the night before. (Yes I know that it wasn't enough to get the win since so many other players sucked but I thought the clip fit well)  David Montgomery's last three weeks still haven't managed to total his first week explosion.  

Italian Stallions 116.52 defeat Los Zapatistas 109.03

Los Zapatistas goes through quarterbacks like he goes through underpants next to pick up trucks, as yet another QB goes down injured in this one.  The Italians and Bijan Robinson continued to "Eat the Rich"  handing The Shoes their third straight loss.  Big games from Bijan and Flowers along with great kicking and defense helped IS overcome rough games for Watson, Schultz, and Wicks. Can LZ turn it around to avoid their first losing season since 2020?

This week the picks were no bueno.  The only picker to be above .500 was ODS going 4-3.  The Missiles were all scuds as he took the 0fer.  The performances were enough to remove ODS from last but not enough to remove RM from first although he has plenty of company now. Check it out here.

1. Italian Stallions 38-14

2. Dollars 37-15

3. BNE 35-17

4. Blue Gatorade 33-19

5. Bay=Bay's 31-21

6. Bricklayers 30-22

7. Hardcore Cabinet 29-23

8. Eh Big Dude 27-25

9. Los Zapatistas 26-26

10.  Rush'n Missiles 18-34

11.  SMBR 16-36

12.  Ogre's Death Squad 16-36

13. Tinker Stinkers 15-37

14. The Collegians 13-39

Hard to do analysis so early but on thing is very clear.  Dollars has been screwed royally. A 7 spot gap is ridiculous.  Otherwise 6/7 current playoff spots would be taken up by the top of the power rankings.  The wolves aren't lone as they are all together in the bottom 7.  

Game of the Week

#2 Blue Gatorade vs #4 Hardcore Cabinet 

BG 6-3 

#1 BNE vs #11 LZ

BNE 13-9

#10 $$ vs #7 EBD 

$$ 16-7

#5 BB vs #6 BL

BL 3-2

#3 IS vs #13 TS 

IS 5-4

#9 ODS vs #8 RM

RM 8-4

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#12 Stabmyballzrepeatedly vs #14 The Collegians

SMBR 6-5

We are 30% done with the regular season already!!

 

HTPB 24.12

                                                         

        It's down to the nitty gritty now and honestly while very little is official it feels like everything is decided except for one last playoff spot.

BayBay's 109 defeat Hardcore Cabinet 98

(A mountie removes trophies from a cabinet in order to store his bag of Burger King)

BayBay's have accomplished a non losing season for the first time in franchise history.  The Ravens defense score 10 points in the final two minutes of the game, and Jalen Hurts big first half were enough to get the victory.  Hardcore Cabinet was a good Alshon Jeanty game last Monday night away from being two games clean of the number seed and no the it's all falling apart.  They appear to have lost Higgins and Mayfield for awhile and have to find a way to defeat ODS or now Burrowful Dollars to make the playoffs. 

Ogre's Death Squad 163 defeat Eh Big Dude 158

Shreak and Jason Vorhees battle like monsters in a Godzilla movie with Shrek winning

Not much you can do when Gibbs grabs 62 points, but EBD sure tried.  EBD got the third highest point total of the season and it won't be enough to pick up the victory.  The loss currently sets EBD in the 8th slot in the standings.  A huge matchup against his kin with a playoff spot at stake is on the line, that is if EBD has time to fit in it.  While ODS has a shot at the bye should Los Zapatistas take a siesta in the final weeks.  

Dollars 133 defeats Rush'n Missiles 99.93

Vladimir Putin is drowning in a sea of money while a male nurse in dollar sign scrubs withholds a life preserver.

Rush'n Missiles stupidly played Josh Allen like a dumb worthless idiot, and it cost the victory against Dollars.  RM also lost Kamara to a knee injury for a few weeks and LaPorta for the season.  Luckily he has the best medicine for a rough roster, Blue Gatorade on the schedule next.  With Dollars playoff hopes but a faint flicker, he should be Joe Burrow back on Thanksgiving. Dollars would love to give The Collegians a toilet and keep Hardcore out of the playoffs. 

Los Zapatistas 112 defeat Bricklayers 77

A man in a sombrero gives the eulogy at a funeral for a man with giant gelled hair.

Bricklayers has been officially eliminated and still alive for a back to back toilet.  Los Zapatistas got 48 points from the unlikely sources of Trevor Lawrence and Borregales which looks similar to albondigas so we should have all seen this coming.   The Loins and Dudes are all that stand between the shoes and the bye. Bricklayers heads off into that good night, having missed the playoffs for the third season since choking away an unbeaten season in the playoffs.  

StabMyBalzRepeatedly 99 defeat Italian Stallions 80

A man in black hoodie shoves Rocky Balboa's face into a gravy boat Thanksgiving dinner.  

Dom takes back to back brother in law defeats as SMBR leaps back into playoff positioning.  JTT only got 8 points and when he isn't scoring, IS has lot of Home Improvement to do on the squad.  SMBR facing the other brother in law next week to try to determine who the Last Man Standing will be this season.    uhhhh Toy Story, The Santa ClausE, that space movie with Hans from Die Hard.

Tinker Stinker 99 defeats Big Nasty Express 80

A man with dwarfism and holding a hot dog hugs, AJ Brown of the Philadelphia Eagles while a man with a red beard and white t-shirt with a breast pocket throws a tantrum

Christian McCaffery continues to not get hurt and Tinker Stinkers continues to win because of it.  New addition AJ Brown scored 20 points to give the edge.  The Express went with Brock Purdy although Nick was the one being forced to swallow three interceptions.  Had Caleb Williams been started, BNE would be 7-5 and much deeper in the playoff hunt.  Instead he is squealing like a piggy. You see, Max in the early 70's there was a popular movie called Deliverance where some dudes went a rafting trip and wrecked but got captured by backwoods inbred hillbillies with a hankering for buttfucking.  Movies used to tell original stories, god dammit, just the next recycled intellectual property in a cash grab.  You used to take your best girl down to the soda shop and then to old picture house and watch Ned Beatty get ass raped by a toothless inbred, by god.  

The Collegians 97 defeat Blue Gatorade 94

A college graduate beats a college kid with a flag while a golden toilet looms 

What can be said about this matchup between these squads that hasn't already been said about leprosy.  The Collegians were spurned on to victory mainly by the Las Vegas Raiders' offensive line.  This reporter hasn't seen so many ole blocks since Eric Wright in the 10th week of 1999.    Saquon Barkley appears to have left it all on the field last season, but Godwin returned to scored 2 points. The win gives The Collegians a magic number of 1 to avoid toiletries.  

Bay-Bay's is having himself a week as he wins pick 'em and sets a franchise record for wins going 5-2 this week.  EBD and BG did the inverse with 2-5 records.  They are also our first and last place overall in the pick em standings.  

The Favorite

1. LZ 113-43

Really Good teams who can win it

2. TS 107-49

3. RM 99-57

4. ODS 92-64

5. EBD 90-66

6. SMBR 84-72

They can get ya win once

7. HC 72-84

8. TC 71-85

9. IS 70-86

Not good

10. BNE 65-91

11. $$ 64-92

12. BB 60-96

13. BL 60-96

Awful

14. BG 42-114

The computer simulations say LZ/ODS are in.  HC, RM, TS are all 95% and up.  SMBR is 88%.  Where is gets interesting is BB 55%, EBD 53% and BNE 11%.  Everyone else is 0%.

Bye chances 

LZ 86, ODS 10 HC 2 TS 1

Toilet Bowl Winner

BG 79 IS 18 BL 1 TC 1

Game of the Week

#3 Hardcore Cabinet vs #2 Ogre's Death Squad

Honorable Mention because it's a defacto playoff game

#7 EBD vs #8 BB

#9 BNE vs #6 SMBR

#14 BG vs #5 RM

#12 BL vs #4 TS

#13 IS vs #1 LZ

Toilet Game of the Week and the only game without playoff implications!

#10 Dollars vs #11 Collegians

Have a great Thanksgiving HTPB!

Zoom in and enjoy

(draw an ogre, a train, a big dude, a mountie, comic book guy from the simpsons, an Italian stallion, a bottle of blue gatorade, someone on a toilet with a cell phone, a brick, a mexican revolutionary, a bag of money, a russian missile, college graduate, and a cabinet filled with weapons all sitting around a thanksgiving meal)

HTPB 22.3

 

Week 3 is in the books and every team has at least taken one L.  While two teams continue to wait for their first victory.  It was a nanners week with several games in the NFL being lopsided blow outs which led to some crazy scoring in HTPB.

Editor's note:  I was at cub scout camp and DJ'd a wedding and you guys were pretty quiet in the slack so not much to go on here.

The Buffalo Bills defense and kicker left scorched Earth in their wake.  7 of Sergio's 9 players reached double digits to give him the high score for the week. That was with a 49 point RB on the bench.  Los Zapatistas appear to be full shoes ahead in defense of their crown and Hardcore Cabinet looks to regroup after taking a mild bad luck loss and continue his strategy of waiting for Kupp and praying.

Jeremy's Brother lost his Chubb but was able to stay in the game using the Eagles D. Whew that was a lot of erection references for a single sentence or as Big E calls it, the best sentence. Although neither QB could throw the ball through the tire, JB was able to get the win and in be in the top half of the league in scoring.  If you told me that JB would win with no Chubb and 2 points out of Henry, I would have said, "Oh he must be playing Italian Stallions this week."  

(If the district championship was the toilet bowl)

Rushin' Missiles defeated Italian Stallions in their 3rd good week in a row to earn his first win.  He was able to meet the cure to any bad stretch, the Italian Stallions.  Davante Adams outscored 6 of Italian Stallions players on his own.  Italian Stallions started a defense that gave up 70 points!

Dollars remained winless and was nearly beaten by Tua and Tyreke on their own.  He didn't get much of any other scoring but luckily for BB he did not need it.  Dollars finally played the 70 dollar man Puka and this week got 5 catches.  Is Alvin Kamara going coming off suspension going to be enough to turn around Dollars season? Dollars having not broken 100 yet this season.

Joe Burrow remains one passing TD ahead of Keenan Allen in the race to 50. BNE got 7 TD's a lost.  SMBR took a well rounded performance as only Taysom Hill pulled a Burrow.  Here's some footage of BNE drafting all the Bengals high this year.  Shades of the Derek Anderson/Jamal Lewis debacle of over a decade ago. 

The Collegians walked wounded team was able to defeat Blue Gatorade and end their run of winning while not doing shit narrowly.  Collegians was able to sneak by a point and avoided Mixon getting some clock killing carries at the end of Monday Night Football.  Blue Gatorade was one ten yard run from Mixon to being in first place but is now all the way down to 9th.  

EBD watching the Cowboys defense this week.

The two teams that ended the week at the top of standings battled this week, with Bricklayers ending up on top. Mike Williams left it all on the field as his season ended with a 19.05 point week. The magic of Dallas' defense struck midnight this week and EBD was unable to compensate to pull of the victory. EBD has seemed to have discovered Sam LaPorta as a key contributor.  Anybody remember Matt LaPorta? He was the big pickup when Cleveland traded CC Sabathia. If you don't remember him...he sucked. Bricklayers is leading the league with a 90.4% start accuracy percentage.  That means he has put the best possible roster lineup almost completely.  No bench regrets for BL.

(Spaces intentional for grouping)

1. EBD 30-9

2. BL 27-9

3. LZ 26-13

4. RM 23-16

5. SMBR 22-17

6. BNE 21-18

7. ODS 20-19

8. BB 18-21

9. HC 18-21

10. JB 18-21

11. TC 18-21

12. BG 13-26 

13. $$ 12-27

14. IS 7-32

Luckiest Team: Jeremy's Brother is 4 spots higher than deserved

Rushin Missiles is a whopping 7 spots lower than they deserve. 

Weekly Pick em

The weekly winner was RM with a record of 6-1 only missing on Collegians defeated BG

EBD and HC pulled up the rear with 2-5 records.

Pick week 4 here.

This week's matchups are highlighted by #1 EBD vs #7 ODS

BL vs BNE

BG vs RM

HC vs BB

LZ vs TC

$$ vs SMBR

Toilet Bowl 

#14 IS vs #6 JB