HTPB 23.11

 

The entire United States was caught in the crossfire of this international battle.  Much like their sexual preferences, this was a battle of tag teams.  Tua and Tyreke out Chinese finger cuffed Stroud and Dell, 43-38.  But unfortunately for Bay-Bay's direct eye contact was made and the rest of his team couldn't keep the scoring up, leading to a Los Zapatistas victory.  Achane came back for the Shoes but couldn't finish. The shoes were still able to pull out the win and remain on top of the standings.  Bay-Bay's can still salvage this season and make the playoffs for the first time, especially with a soft remaining schedule of the Goons minus ODS.  

How does this keep happening to Roy.  What was he done to deserve all of this. He is a victim.  Rush 'n Missiles had their first good week other than the week that he scored 141 or the week he scored 135, and if you forget about the three other weeks that he scored more than 100.  So other than that, RM comes out of nowhere and gets a lot of points.    I mean RM was only 4th in the power rankings heading into this week.  Who could have seen such an outcome coming?  How could RM have had a good game?  Especially after the previous time that he has had a good game?  Normally I have to spend a good portion of this blog refuting things Roy says in an emotional outburst, but he must have clarity during over night feedings because his Kenneth Walker getting his average instead of being injured was correct.  He would have won by a point in that scenario.  

Blue Gatorade pounded Italian Stallions, as it appears that the IS have quit on their coach after being eliminated from the playoffs.  The Stallions got the double goose egg from the Titans and Gabe Davis.  Trevor Lawrence outscored everyone on the Stallions not named Hurts or McCaffery by himself.  Dom is so at home in last place, he has taken up permanent residency on the toilet trophy.  Blue Gatorade has blossomed ever since he traded Jefferson away going 5-2 since unloading the dead weight of the number 1 overall draft pick.

Hardcore Cabinet and The Collegians each started off a run after conceding victory.  Hardcore Cabinet won their 3 straight Monday Night Miracle and has won 6 out of 7 games.  The Collegians were giving the Chiefs a pregame pep talk on what they needed to pull off the victory.  Hardcore Cabinet was able to get the win despite only getting 88 points which would have only beaten 3 teams in the whole league.  The Collegians couldn't pull off a victory Cooper Kupp leaving injured very early.  The Collegians were unable to get their FOURTH win of the year while scoring under 100 points.  

Sliding in the standings

Jeremy's Brother has fallen on hard times having not broken 100 or gotten a win in a month and has gone from first place to 12th in record time. Dollars has harnessed the power of Josh Dobbs to pull above .500.  Dollars has managed to not have an opponent score more than 107 in week and has turned that into 6-5 record.  JB tried trading for Patrick Mahomes but it was too little too late to help a lineup that has not been producing.  JB's amazing streak of never having missed the playoffs is on life support.  Dollars currently has 4 of his playoff predictions in the top 7 with one already locked in. 

AJ Brown decided to leave early for Thanksgiving and Bricklayers were unable to defeat SMBR.  Saquon Barkley finally lived up to his draft position and Kevin was able to use that keep his playoff hopes alive.  Bricklayers has despite the 6-5 can still rocket up the standings with their high point total and a softer remaining schedule of IS, JB, $$ to end the season.  Or maybe it's the beginning of an epic collapse.  Although with his point total, BL most likely only needs to win one more game to get into the playoffs.  SMBR hasn't scored less than 110 in the last month.  Watch out if SMBR can find a few wins in their last three against BG, EBD, and ODS.

Ogre's Death Squad has continued their unlucky rise up the standings.  ODS despite having the least points in the league is somehow is only missing out on the playoffs via tiebreaker at the moment.  A difficult schedule of LZ, RM, and SMBR makes a playoff bid still very unlikely.  Both BNE and Joe Burrow's seaons were mercy killed this week.  Burrow fell only a scant 35 tuddies short of BNE's preseason prediction. BNE reacquired Brock Purdy like a boomerang.   Despite the poor seasons for both of these squads.  They aren't even the worst goon.   Congratulations Italian Stallions on getting under that low low bar.  Limbo champ, Baby!!

1. BL 90-53

2. EBD 88-55

3. LZ 88-55

4. RM 79-64

5. BB 75-68

6. BG 74-69

7. SMBR 72-71

8. $$ 71-72

9. HC 66-77

10. BNE 65-77-1

11. TC 62-80-1

12. JB 61-82

13. ODS 56-87

14. IS 53-90

EBD has been the most unlucky 7 spots short.  His brother is second at 6 spots.  The luckiest has been HC 6 spots higher than he should while ODS is 5 spots ahead. 

SMBR won the pick em with a 5-2 record.  Last place at 2-5 belongs to BB, JB, and BG.  Get your picks in here.  Remember that with the Thanksgiving holiday you should get your picks in early.  We have been perfect but usually lose some this week with the holiday. 

Los Zapatistas has clinched.  BNE joins IS in the eliminated trash heap.

 

Playoff odds: HC 90%, BG 90%, BL 85%, RM 72%, $$ 63%, EBD 50%, TC 44%, SMBR 32%, ODS 33%, BB 28%, JB 8%

#1 seed: LZ 70%, BG 14%, BL 5% HC 3%, $$ 3%

Toilet Trophy: IS 88% BNE 9%, JB 1%

Game of the Week 

#1 Los Zapatistas vs #8 Ogre's Death Squad

HC vs EBD

BB vs TC

BG vs SMBR

BL vs IS

$$ vs RM

Toilet Game of the Week

#12 Jeremy's Brother vs #13 Big Nasty Express

(The winner is mathematically saved from Toiletries)

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving.  I am thankful for this league, you guys, and those views and the support of my sponsors. 

HTPB 20.11

 

This week Jeremy's Brother was able to beat Blue Gatorade, or somebody at least.  Whoever the hell he played, he won. His 4th such win this season. JB has taken the horseshoe that was in Dan's ass and shoved it up his own.  JB was able to pull it out with some Monday Magic by that beautiful bitch Jimmy Garoppolo. Blue Gatorade has many losses this season but this one has to hurt the most. His playoff hopes are dangling like Justin Fields' shoulder. Jason was led by Tyler Bass' huge day to start his holiday week off right. I would like to point out that I went this entire write up without mentioning Jason's height or rather lack thereof.  Dammit!  

Bay-Bay's got another cold dose of facts this week, as his team continues to fall towards toiletries.  Jamaal Williams channeled his inner Jerome Bettis and scored 3 short TD's to lead Hardcore Cabinet to the victory.  When the highest two scoring players in the game are the Lions' backup running back and Danny Mother Fucking Dimes, it's weird game.  Bay-Bay's didn't lose anyone to injury during the game so he can count that as moral victory along with the fact that he has a tragic number of 2 over ODS to avoid toiletries and a large postal bill.  Hardcore Cabinet manages to be respectable this season despite having 5 guys suffer fantasy season ending injuries. 

Ogre's Death Squad invited the Collegians over for some chili, a season eliminating loss, and the usual reverse cowboy.  It was nice for a family member to be able to pull the plug after a long happy season that existed.  The biggest news coming out of this game is the debate as to whether the Collegians are good now.  After not breaking 100 all season, he has done so three weeks in a row.  His title repeat chances depend on him winning as many games as possible as he will likely lose all tie breaks.  The remaining schedule of Bricklayers, Hardcore Cabinet and Bay-Bay's is a rough end of the year stretch overall and remains to be seen if the damage done early in his season can be overcome. 

 Los Zapatistas was able bring George Kittle back from the dead to come from behind and get a big win.  Los Zapatistas has an easier schedule the rest of the way which means he has to play the other two wolves. Can his prince Christian Watson keep up the TD output? The playoff chances for Italian Stallions are as dim as usual.  Italian Stallions most likely must win out against a semi difficult schedule the rest of the way out. 

  Dollars got his whopping 4th win this season without breaking 100 points.  RM streak of never winning a playoff game and never bringing joy to anyone he meets continues as he was eliminated from playoff contention yet again. When Marcus Mariota's 18 points leads the game in scoring you know if was a shit show.  Dollars hopes to ride his group of injured and suspended players in the playoffs and his unbelievable luck has allowed him to do so.  Dollars did allow Cory to have a moment with one of his millions of kids before ending his season.  (Side note, this dude is very lucky a cop or a someone else with a gun didn't drive by and try to stop this).  The Dollars lucky streak continues as he has currently picked 5 of the 7 playoff teams and 2/3 of the stolen valor playoff teams. 

Big Nasty Express gagged on Monday Night and may have choked on their playoff hopes.  Rondale Moore scored negative points and then got injured, Colt McCoy was Colt McCoy, and McCaffery was a normal player. BNE should have set his lineup to be handled by a computer because his human brain hasn't made good decisions.  Like should I rely on second half of the year, Kyler Murray.  SMBR all but locked up a playoff spot with the victory.  He doesn't say much but he keeps taking people down. If I was betting in Vegas, I think SMBR would have interesting odds to make a bet on.  

(I have no idea what the heck this is but I love it so)

Bricklayers has been redefining the record books for wins, point totals, and being a pompous ass this season. Bricklayers defeated EBD to clinch a first round bye and give EBD a hard luck loss.  HE is the one who decides how people should perceive him.  It is HE and HE alone who knows that it is on you the listener to not take his overly verbose explanations of everything and his holier than thou attitude as smug but as a chance to listen to great wisdom.  It is time you peasants took the gifts of HIS lessons and improved yourselves to hope to be half the man that HE is.  HE brags about HIS charity contributions without prompting so that you may attempt to help others as HE.  So remember this Thanksgiving to say thanks for HIM, and good tidings upon his name.    In yours travels over the next few days, ask yourself is this how HE would want you to act. WWBLD.

             Power Rankings Old School Edition because Nick may have gone into hiding after his season may have went up in flames in Mexico last night. 

BL, EBD, SMBR have 100% probability of the playoffs.

$$ 96%

HC 94%

JB 75%

TC 50%

LZ 36%

BG 19%

BNE 16%

IS 13%

BB 0.32%

RM/ODS 0%

Congratulations to this week's winner LZ!  Of course massive chuckles at ODS for going 1-6 with his only victory being picking against himself.  HC maintains a slight lead in the overall standings.  Get your picks in early because the games start earlier this week. 

                                                                        Week 12 Preview 

Making the executive decision to have two games of the week this because it's my column and I can do whatever I want with it. 

                                                                #3 SMBR vs #4 Dollars

                                                            Blue Gatorade vs Bay-Bay's 

               (This gets co-game of the week billing because it is an loser leaves town match, I can't foresee a playoff scenario for either with a loss here)

                                                                    HC vs JB

                                                                    BNE vs EBD

                                                                    BL vs TC

                                                                    RM vs LZ

                                                                    ODS vs IS

Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy week 12.  Please text me individually what you are legit thankful for in HTPB for next week's write-up.