HTPB 23.2

 

Welcome Flaggots! Week 2 saw the league return to form as 71% of the league is .500.  In a crazy stat, the top three owners in the standings have all had sexual relations with a Johnson sibling.  Hey Kevin, cherish your butt, I do.

A male nurse dumps out Blue Gatorade

Blue Gatorade tried to get his second win in a row with shit for points to go with his shit for brains, but Dollars said No No.  Kyler realized that Marvin Harrison Jr is on the team and very good at football and gave Dollars 32 points which is significantly more than the negative 0.40 that Keon Coleman and Cade Otton combined for.  Dollars have lost Cooper Kupp for awhile with an injury and Blue Gatorade lost his pride.  

A man with a tiny head holds a sign that says I stand corrected.

The Collegians leapt out of last place and into all the way into XXX place.  The squad was lead mainly by the Bills defense who scored 32 points.  Bricklayers coaching staff seems to be at odds with the front office.  The front office spent a good portion of the salary cap to bring in Alexander Mattison this week after being very disappointing the previous year. The coaching staff refused to play him, hell even the Raiders gave him only 1 carry.  The early selection of Mahomes continues to be a point of concern for Bricklayers, as Mahomes comes in at the 11th highest scoring QB through two weeks.  Bricklayers finishes the week in next to last place.  

A man with three trophies attends the funeral of Christian McCaffery.

The Big Nasty Express derailed all over itself after he was rescued with touchdowns all over the place last week.  But as BNE can tell you, that regression to the mean is a mother fucker.  Christian McCaffery was put on IR but even if they put his ass on a rocket in the field, it would not have been enough to overcome the all time shit show the rest of the squad accomplished.  I mean CMC being injured doesn't effect having Greg Dortch in your week 2 lineup.  Josh Allen led the way with 10 points.  10! Hardcore could have started just JK Dobbins and Lamar Jackson and won the game.  It is the lowest score in league history in the highest scoring era in league history.  That's like having the least home runs during the steroid fueled 90s.  Hardcore Cabinet didn't get far himself as JK Dobbins was the only position player to exceed projections but it was plenty enough to smash BNE and start the season unbeaten.

Shrek stomps on an Arby's bag full of roast beef.

Tinker Stinkers failed to break 60.  It was so awful for TS this week that, Justin Jefferson's 97 yard touchdown catch was more points than anyone else on his roster scored the entire week. Might be time to get that monkey suit on and return to Mexico. Ogre's Death Squad was lead by Jordan Mason becoming the starter in place of CMC and was recharged from a weekend in the mountains with Milt.  Unfortunately for ODS, his nut sack wasn't the only thing stretched beyond repair as St. Brown and Pacheco stretched some ligaments.  There you go Bigs, that's how to write something up, you son of a bitch.  Stay off my lawn.  Do I lurk in little league stands?  Do I sneak my cherry tomato toe into pictures? So as Cory would say.  "Get the fuck back."

A wolf in a sombrero attacks a horse colored like the Italian Flag

The Shoes bounced back in a big way with a win over the Italian Stallions in the highest scoring matchup of the week.  James Cook went touchdown crazy on Thursday night and got 44 points out of his kicker and defense.  New rules!  Italian Stallions still managed to have the third highest scoring week despite Tua Tangcanonlyeayjello getting yet another unsettling concussion.  It is crazy that a lot of our understanding of concussions is thanks to 11 time World Champion Edge.  Google Chris Nowinski if you don't know who he is or click here.

A man destroys another man's comic store and then marries his sister in the wreckage.

Rush 'n Missles took the lead in the Mike Johnson Cup with his victory over SMBR.  Alvin Kamara brought back his 2020 HTPB Super Bowl energy and dropped 4 touchdowns and that was enough to get the win despite the rest of RM's Sunday position players putting up a robust 5 points a man.  Breece Hall was the lone bright spot for SMBR.  Who dodged the CMC bullet but that hasn't been enough for him to avoid an 0-2 start and Kevin should be mentally checking out of the season shortly. Rush n' Missiles is 2-0 for the first time in his 9 year history in the league.       

Jason Vorhees establishes dominance over the family girly magazine shack.  

Eh Bid Dude put up a ton of points yet again and this time pulled out a victory.  EBD used the stack of Dimes and Nabers to narrowly miss out of the high score of the week.  Stay tuned for a stat correction? Kyler Murray got on his tippie toes and peeked over the offensive line to see that Marvin Harrison Jr existed and it paid off.  BB's had a high score but it was deceptive with 35 points or 30% of his total score came from kicker and defense.  Bay-Bay's will try to refocus on what's important.

Week 2 Pick'em Results

The Loins and the Missiles went 4-3 to lead the way, while BB and SMBR brought the rear with 2-5 records.  Season long totals? Available here.

Game of the Week

#1 Rush'n Missiles vs #4 Eh Big Dude

ODS vs Dollars

BB vs BG

BL vs IS

HC vs TC

LZ vs TS

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week 

(and after week 2, it might be of the season)

#10 Big Nasty Express vs #14 Stabmybalzrepeatedly

We will see you next week in Floggotville with the debut of the power rankings!

HTPB 23.1

 

Welcome one and all to a beginning of new season of the league and the 4th season of the weekly write-up. It's time to make sweeping conclusions based on a limited data set!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bay Bay's defeats Bricklayers

Adam Cole holds a shrunken head to signify his victory

This game combined to score under 30 points less than the league high scorer Italian Stallions.   Why mentioned the league high scorers Italian Stallions in a game that he isn't even in?  Two reasons.  1.  There is very little to discuss in this matchup.  2.  Dom has a limited frustration level with reading and you got to get him early and we might have even lost him at this point.  Probably should have made it the first reason.  Bricklayers had 50% of his points from three guys before the Sunday games even kicked off. It was all downhill from there.  Bay-Bay's was able to take over with lots of touchdowns but very few yards.  Which is how several Canadian day time hookers have described BB's penis, not a lot of length but finishes quickly.  

Italian Stallions defeat Eh Bid Dude

A horse draped in the Italian Flag leaps over a tree

This game was everything the previous game was not.  Saquon Barkley went full Snake Plisskin and thrived after Escaping New York with 33 points.  Eh Bid Dude was the hard luck loser scoring the third most points in the league.  He may have to put some moves together as the only QB on his roster went down with a knee injury and 50 of his points came from his kicker and defense in rule changes voted in by the mathematically challenged.  

Big Nasty Express defeats Ogre's Death Squad

Shrek gets run over by a train

The Big Nasty Express pulled an Ogre's Death Squad at an elementary school (limited touches but lots of damage).  BNE didn't even need CMC to embarrass ODS. As BNE rained down touchdowns from all angles. BNE wins their first game for the first time with fans in the stands since 2015 defeating Bloodfarts in a year the title was won by Deez Nuts.  When you get 9 points above projections for your rookie QB and still get absolutely boat raced, it could be a really long year for ODS.  

Blue Gatorade defeats The Collegians

A brand of sports drink made from Bengal Tigers

The Collegians put their eggs in the Cincinnati Bengal basket and the handle of the basket quickly snapped.    But the Collegians shouldn't be too worried as I'm sure his 30 year old high scores of Mike Evans and James Conner aren't anywhere near hitting a wall in the year of our lord 2024.  Blue Gatorade got smedium performances from the entire squad except Cade Otton who was the only person not to get in on all the Buccaneer points.  That was plenty to defeat the low scorer in the league.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats Dollars

 

A returning champion is given a pile of Dollars

Hardcore Cabinet invited Dollars over to see the champ's ring ceremony and started kicking his ass again.  But Dollars said what one got damn second, we changed the rules and my kicker is going to score 26.6 points (20 under the old and better system) but other than making your author stay up a little later than he wanted, it was for naught.  Hardcore Cabinet had the third highest score in the league despite only scoring 2 touchdowns and not being buoyed by a kicker or defense so the future may look bright.  Dollars playoff predictions went 1-6 in week 1.  Kiss of Death?

Rush 'n Missiles defeats Los Zapatistas

A man in a sombrero is delivering a baby but the baby is a missile

Sergio welcomed Cruz into the world but not his win of the season.  This Wolf on Wolf tryst is the first one they have had with their pants on.  Tyreke Hill got out of hand cuffs and immediately raced into the end zone, while Caleb Williams should be placed in handcuffs for his 6 point performance.  Much love to the Meneses. But at the other end Fuck you Cory!

Tinker Stinkers defeats Stabmyballzrepeatedly

A dwarf robs a comic book store.

Tinker Stinkers were led by the Dallas defense despite not taking them before anybody else drafted a defense.  The Stinkers did lose Puka to IR.  SMBR didn't get much from anyone on his roster until Monday night, with 32 combined from Deebo and Breeze which sounds like a 80's cop show that lasted one season on CBS featuring detectives at the San Jose Police Department who's different backgrounds helps them solve crimes but leads to some interesting banter.  

Now this is a story all about how HTPB got flipped turned upside down, 

And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I tell you how teams that have been historically shitty did well in week 1.  

Rap kind of falls a part there at the end.  The 7 teams who won this week have a combined 5 championships and 3 of those are the defending champion, 1 is auto drafted, and the other is from 2011.  Will the league continue to be the upside down or will things settle into the usual order of life. 

Week 1 Pick 'em Results

The Collegians and Bricklayers went 6-1.  While $$ and EBD went 1-6.  Your score should have been emailed to you.  Still playing with the new system. 

Week 2 Look Ahead. 

Game of the Week 

#2 Big Nasty Express vs #3 Hardcore Cabinet

TS vs ODS

BB vs EDB

BG vs $$

IS vs LZ

RM vs SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#12 Bricklayers vs #14 The Collegians

See you next week!

 

Dr. Dollars' Playoff Predictions 2024

 

2024 HTPB Playoff Picks Think we are in for another season of parity. I don’t really see a bad team in the league. Much like last year teams are going to be battling for a playoff spot till the very end. These are my playoffs picks based off of my opinions on players and how I viewed them leading up to the draft. That being said I do draft players I like and therefore pick myself for a playoff spot. These are the other 6 teams I think will make the playoffs. I was pretty confident about the first 4 picks but there were 5 teams in consideration for the last 2 spots

Eh Bid Dude 

Choosing to shake up the Draft from the jump by selecting Bjan Robinson at #1 overall. Definitely a player with overall #1 upside, an exciting start to a solid draft! Marvin Harrison Jr fell past his ADP to the 2-3 turn where EBD picked him and fellow rookie WR Malik Nabers. The appeal of the unknown is there! Both WRs should be number one targets on their respective teams. QB Jordan Love following a top 10 fantasy QB campaign is back for year 2 with a slew of weapons at his disposal. K. Walker, R. Mostert and J. Brooks are excellent group behind Bjan and should be strong flex plays. Does Kyle Pitts finally come through for fantasy? I’m not sold but see the path with Captain Kirk as his QB.

Italian Stallions 

Mostly taking great values and my players the Stallions put together what looks to be a playoff contender. Saquon playing for the best team he’s ever played for (The Eagles not the Stallions) is very intriguing. I believe he has top 5 RB upside. Three picks later he chose lightning in a bottle De”Von Achane who also has top 5 RB upside. After starting RB/RB he loaded up on WR with his next 4 picks. Such good value on each. N. Collins in the 3rd D. Smith in the 4th C. Ridley in the 5th and C. Godwin in the 6th. I even like the value he got on T. Locket 9th and D. Mooney 12th great depth! QB T. Tagovailoa has the weapons and has had previous fantasy success. TE is a position he could use an upgrade

Los Zapatistas 

With the 11th pick LZ chose WR Garrett Wilson. The targets were there last year but he failed to meet expectations but those expectations are back to top 5 WR with a healthy A. Rogers at QB. Having Waddle fall to him in the 4th and getting great value on T. McLaurin in the 6th has his WR group looking above average. In the 2nd and 3rd rounds he added two stud ppr RBs. K. Williams and J. Cook anchor this RB group with Z. Moss, C. Hubbard and M. Lloyd providing some week to week support. At TE George Kittle an under appreciated fantasy asset. QB could be a problem if J. Herbert doesn’t return to form and the rookie C. Williams can’t get it going.

Ogre's Death Squad 

Drafting four WRs in the first five rounds worked out well for ODS. PPR consistency king Amon-Ra in the 1st. Amazing value on former PPR consistently king D. Adams in the 3rd! Followed by DK in the 4th and G. Pickens in the 5th. All 4 should lead their respective teams in targets. In the 2nd ODS took Isiah Pacheco, the guy I was praying would fall to me after I traded down. Pacheco is one of my favorite picks from the 2nd round and think he has top 5 upside at the RB position. Last year ODS took the draft day value on rookie mobile QB A. Richardson. A plan that looked like it might’ve worked had it not been for injury. Jayden Daniels is his rookie mobile QB of choice this year and I like it!

The Collegians 

Deciding to start the draft with three WRs laid the foundation for a solid ppr team. J. Chase from the 8 spot was nice value. C. Olave in the 2nd and M. Evans in the 3rd make this WR group top 5 in the league. Completing the stack in the 4th by selecting 55 Tuddy Joey Burrow, one of my favorite stacks in the league. J. Ferguson TE red zone target for what looks to be a good Cowboys offense should provide some useful scoring weeks. Selecting his first RB J. Conner in the 5th, perhaps my favorite pick in the 5th. Health is a bit of a concern but the risk is worth it, he’s be great in Arizona! Z. White and D. Singletary are two non exciting RBs that will be useful due their projected volume.

Securing the last spot by the narrowest of margins

Bricklayers Taking the second QB in the draft Patrick Mahomes early in the 2nd round. He was disappointing for fantasy last year but I’m a believer he bounces back in a big way (#1 QB). R. Rice a big reach in the 3rd round according to ADP. However, I think he was properly priced here and can push to finish top 12. Mahomes/Rice is another one of my favorite stacks in HTPB this year. AJ Brown, Z. Flowers, and JSN round out an above average WR group. Dalton Kincaid could lead his team in targets and has good chance to finish Top 3 at TE. J. Ford will be a solid first half of the season RB. Bricklayers will need one or two of his 4 other RBs to establish some sort of fantasy relevance to have some depth