HTPB 23.11

 

With Thanksgiving approaching, the members of HTPB took some time to give thanks.  So here they are.  

It's the big leagues. No flake ass shit. CTC/DOSP being it's own institution, the draft. Great times.

The 14 members & Big Cat

That I can get a response from owners for just posting something. Good or bad, it’s always good for me. Business is good. Go Dudes! Btw I’m not just going to give a boring unoriginal response. lol

That the league exists

How close it keeps us all.

Taysom Hill

Thankful for the good times and that HTPB gets us together

The longevity of the league

Torn ACL's and all around injuries

Kickers and Ruth Ferrell

This league is my socialization outlet. Two parties a year, a reason to gather. It is a creative outlet for my writing. An opportunity to make people laugh.

The absurd defense rules we have in the league this year that allowed me to beat Bricklayers last week and avoid the toiletries fingers crossed

Bigs and Ferrell's Energy and time and hard work

Getting to talk shit and have fun with all of you fellas!

I am thankful that Kevin and Big E are dicks, but really I am thankful for this league as it has been the tie that binds.  It's what keeps us talking, keeps us together.  

Bay-Bay's defeat Bricklayers

A mountie presents a man with a tiny head with a golden toilet. 

Bay-bay's snapped their 7 game losing streak by defeating Bricklayers.  Bricklayers has clinched the toilet trophy.   Please store it properly and not in a damp garage.  Keep in in your closet next to your leather bracelets and pencil ties but don't be dickhead and damage it.   I think maybe that toilet bowls could be used as tie breaker to determine who is the best when teams are tied for most championships. Bay-Bay's may be rubbing fine Canadians syrup on himself in celebration right now but that doesn't change the fact that the franchise has never made the playoffs and hasn't played a meaningful game past Thanksgiving.  The team is always monitoring players during the season and their health status, but apparently fails to do this level of research for the draft.  Insert dodgeball strategy meme.  

Blue Gatorade defeats the Collegians

A man is hoist on his own petard

The Collegians whose record is much better than it should be based on all numbers still decided to spit in the face of the fantasy gods and call his shot this week.  Without Burrow and Chase, the Collegians are nothing much, and fell to Blue Gatorade who scored the most points they have all season and have beaten Collegians twice this season.  I have filed to petition to the commissioner to ban Collegians from the post season, as losing to BG twice should be grounds for termination.  Can Burrow and Chase put together three straight rounds of great performances to carry Collegians to a title?

Dollars defeats Hardcore Cabinet

George Washington from the Dollar bill steals a trophy.

Dollars cruised to an easy win to avenge last year's Super Bowl and week 1.  Hardcore Cabinet has now lost two in a row to dim their first round bye hopes.  (I don't know how you people live like this.)  Dollars managed to put up 133 points with Kyler Murray not breaking double digits.  Hardcore Cabinet wasted a lot of points last week against ODS and should have saved some for this week.  Dollars still has a shot at the first round bye if he can run the table.  A tall order but possible.  

Italian Stallions defeat Eh Big Dude

Rocky Balboa stands victorious and steals a man's vape.

Saquon Barkley run all over Eh Big Dude to give the Loins the inside track to the first round bye.  Tua and Archane out double dipped Hurts and Brown.  It's been a dark road post week 10 for Eh Big Dude, as they have lost two in a row.  There is a thread the needle scenario where EBD could miss the playoffs.  Italian Stallions have scored over 100 points every single game this year.  Will this be IS crowning achievement with his best team yet?  Or will he be the 2016 Warriors and blow it in the playoffs.  Time will tell.

Stabmybalzrepeatedly defeats Tinker Stinkers 

A dwarf is held captive in a pole barn.

Brandon Allen was signed just before kickoff, but SMBR could have kept Brock Purdy in the lineup and defeated Tinker Stinkers who's playoff chances are now on life support. Josh Jacobs scored 3 TD's to lead the way for SMBR who can keep the league's longest active playoff streak alive if he finishes with 2 wins and a little help. He's barely paying attention and is ahead of four teams.  Time to look in the mirror.  On the bright side, Mahomes has made TS more respectable the second half of the season after finally finding a home after several trades. 

Ogre's Death Squad defeats Big Nasty Express

A feeble Shrek needs to use a walker to get past a red bearded hill person.

Ogre's Death Squad takes the ultimate schedule win with the second lowest points of the week.  Where was this last week?  (Stares in Taysom Hill).  Jayden Daniels scored 20% of the points in the entire matchup.  ODS is firmly in the muddle around the final playoff spot, while BNE will need to win out with impressive point totals to have a shot.  ODS does get to wind up the season with BB and BL which is about as soft of a landing as you can get.  Honestly not making the playoffs would be Big E ing this away.  

Rush 'n Missiles defeats Los Zapatistas

A wounded wolf in a sombrero is about to get hit with a missile strike.

After a 6 game win streak, the Shoes have lost 4 out of 5.    Rush N'  Missiles is currently in the final playoff spot and is projected by Yahoo to keep it.  Can RM hold on or will it slip through his fingers like the final leg of late night rebound based parlay on the West coast.  RM does have an easy schedule the rest of the way with two teams barely clinging to life in BNE and TS.  RM has won every game this year that his opponent hasn't scored more than 103 points and that's been a tall order for those two this season so RM would totally choke if he doesn't make it.  Have I said that both RM and ODS are total choke artists if they both don't take the one remaining spot. You're god damn right I did.  The 40 points scored by RM kicker/defense was enough to combine with a well rounded attack to sweep the leader of the Wolves this season.  Could there be a new alpha of the wolf pack?  Or maybe the head Beta. 

EBD and IS took home the win this week with 5-2 record, while LZ took home a smelly 1-6 record.  He is in last place overall, 6 whole wins behind next to last.  HC holds a one game lead over TC and two over BL.  Since BL only picks the higher projected, Yahoo does know what it's talking about I guess.  

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/10U1yZLxPBRtqUHSNx8yUlUHe2l8aNko6d5y9UO14BRI/edit?usp=sharing

#1 LZ 116-40

#2. EBD 114-42

#3 HC 109-47

#4 IS 107-49

It's been these 4 teams all season, if you didn't know that, you haven't been paying attention.  So Kevin doesn't know this.

#5 $$$ 86-70

Dollars stands alone in the above average leagues

#6 RM 76-80

#7 TC 75-81

Smedium Teams

#8 ODS 69-87

#9 BB 68-88

#10 BNE 66-90

#11 TS 64-92

#12 SMBR 60-96

Still alive if even if braindead on a machine for some

#13 BL 45-111

#14 BG 37-119

BG has tightened this up but they are both legendarily shitty. 

The bye week is IS to lose with 94% probability.  HC 3% $$ 1%

Playoff Odds

100% Club

IS, HC, TC, $$, 

Basically in but chaos could happen

LZ 99%

EBD 95%

Fighting for that last spot

RM 67%

ODS 27%

SMBR 8%

Terri Schiavo

TS 0.52%

BNE 0.17%

Thanks for Playing

BB, BG, BL

Game of the Week

 #1 Italian Stallions vs #3 Dollars 

2 HC vs 6 EBD

8 ODS vs 12 BB

11 BNE vs 7 RM 

13 BG vs 9 SMBR

14 BL vs 5 LZ

4 TC vs 10 TS

Every game still has playoff implications and as of right now so does next week so keep up on those rosters BB, BL, and BG.

HTPB regrets

 

It's been over two decades, you gotta be kicking yourself about something.

Whether it's trading Freeman for him or cutting him and watching D-Willy stick it up your butt and in your drywall in the playoffs, Sergio and Dollars ponder where things went wrong with Williams.

Our regrets fall into 6 different buckets.

Post Season Based Lineup Decisions

This had the most with 4, Tyler Huntley, Daniel Jones, CJ Anderson, Jeremy Hill are the illustrious members of this non all star team.

Blew the 2024 draft.

Hi CMC and Justin Jefferson

Why did I cut and trade this guy?

Double D. Willy, and Roy's million trades

Commissioner Curse

The stink of running the league affects the team, but since BNE is STILL terrible a decade later it appears to be a permanent condition so no point in quitting now, Bigs.

No regrets

Apparently marrying SMBR's sisters make you have no regrets. I guess after you willingly make the terrible choice to bring Kevin into your family what could be worse.

Our final bucket are Roy based regrets.  If it's just having to respond to constant trade requests or not having an evil plan that begins in week 10 themselves, Dan and Kevin regret these interactions.  

HTPB 23.2

 

Welcome Flaggots! Week 2 saw the league return to form as 71% of the league is .500.  In a crazy stat, the top three owners in the standings have all had sexual relations with a Johnson sibling.  Hey Kevin, cherish your butt, I do.

A male nurse dumps out Blue Gatorade

Blue Gatorade tried to get his second win in a row with shit for points to go with his shit for brains, but Dollars said No No.  Kyler realized that Marvin Harrison Jr is on the team and very good at football and gave Dollars 32 points which is significantly more than the negative 0.40 that Keon Coleman and Cade Otton combined for.  Dollars have lost Cooper Kupp for awhile with an injury and Blue Gatorade lost his pride.  

A man with a tiny head holds a sign that says I stand corrected.

The Collegians leapt out of last place and into all the way into XXX place.  The squad was lead mainly by the Bills defense who scored 32 points.  Bricklayers coaching staff seems to be at odds with the front office.  The front office spent a good portion of the salary cap to bring in Alexander Mattison this week after being very disappointing the previous year. The coaching staff refused to play him, hell even the Raiders gave him only 1 carry.  The early selection of Mahomes continues to be a point of concern for Bricklayers, as Mahomes comes in at the 11th highest scoring QB through two weeks.  Bricklayers finishes the week in next to last place.  

A man with three trophies attends the funeral of Christian McCaffery.

The Big Nasty Express derailed all over itself after he was rescued with touchdowns all over the place last week.  But as BNE can tell you, that regression to the mean is a mother fucker.  Christian McCaffery was put on IR but even if they put his ass on a rocket in the field, it would not have been enough to overcome the all time shit show the rest of the squad accomplished.  I mean CMC being injured doesn't effect having Greg Dortch in your week 2 lineup.  Josh Allen led the way with 10 points.  10! Hardcore could have started just JK Dobbins and Lamar Jackson and won the game.  It is the lowest score in league history in the highest scoring era in league history.  That's like having the least home runs during the steroid fueled 90s.  Hardcore Cabinet didn't get far himself as JK Dobbins was the only position player to exceed projections but it was plenty enough to smash BNE and start the season unbeaten.

Shrek stomps on an Arby's bag full of roast beef.

Tinker Stinkers failed to break 60.  It was so awful for TS this week that, Justin Jefferson's 97 yard touchdown catch was more points than anyone else on his roster scored the entire week. Might be time to get that monkey suit on and return to Mexico. Ogre's Death Squad was lead by Jordan Mason becoming the starter in place of CMC and was recharged from a weekend in the mountains with Milt.  Unfortunately for ODS, his nut sack wasn't the only thing stretched beyond repair as St. Brown and Pacheco stretched some ligaments.  There you go Bigs, that's how to write something up, you son of a bitch.  Stay off my lawn.  Do I lurk in little league stands?  Do I sneak my cherry tomato toe into pictures? So as Cory would say.  "Get the fuck back."

A wolf in a sombrero attacks a horse colored like the Italian Flag

The Shoes bounced back in a big way with a win over the Italian Stallions in the highest scoring matchup of the week.  James Cook went touchdown crazy on Thursday night and got 44 points out of his kicker and defense.  New rules!  Italian Stallions still managed to have the third highest scoring week despite Tua Tangcanonlyeayjello getting yet another unsettling concussion.  It is crazy that a lot of our understanding of concussions is thanks to 11 time World Champion Edge.  Google Chris Nowinski if you don't know who he is or click here.

A man destroys another man's comic store and then marries his sister in the wreckage.

Rush 'n Missles took the lead in the Mike Johnson Cup with his victory over SMBR.  Alvin Kamara brought back his 2020 HTPB Super Bowl energy and dropped 4 touchdowns and that was enough to get the win despite the rest of RM's Sunday position players putting up a robust 5 points a man.  Breece Hall was the lone bright spot for SMBR.  Who dodged the CMC bullet but that hasn't been enough for him to avoid an 0-2 start and Kevin should be mentally checking out of the season shortly. Rush n' Missiles is 2-0 for the first time in his 9 year history in the league.       

Jason Vorhees establishes dominance over the family girly magazine shack.  

Eh Bid Dude put up a ton of points yet again and this time pulled out a victory.  EBD used the stack of Dimes and Nabers to narrowly miss out of the high score of the week.  Stay tuned for a stat correction? Kyler Murray got on his tippie toes and peeked over the offensive line to see that Marvin Harrison Jr existed and it paid off.  BB's had a high score but it was deceptive with 35 points or 30% of his total score came from kicker and defense.  Bay-Bay's will try to refocus on what's important.

Week 2 Pick'em Results

The Loins and the Missiles went 4-3 to lead the way, while BB and SMBR brought the rear with 2-5 records.  Season long totals? Available here.

Game of the Week

#1 Rush'n Missiles vs #4 Eh Big Dude

ODS vs Dollars

BB vs BG

BL vs IS

HC vs TC

LZ vs TS

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week 

(and after week 2, it might be of the season)

#10 Big Nasty Express vs #14 Stabmybalzrepeatedly

We will see you next week in Floggotville with the debut of the power rankings!

HTPB 23.1

 

Welcome one and all to a beginning of new season of the league and the 4th season of the weekly write-up. It's time to make sweeping conclusions based on a limited data set!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bay Bay's defeats Bricklayers

Adam Cole holds a shrunken head to signify his victory

This game combined to score under 30 points less than the league high scorer Italian Stallions.   Why mentioned the league high scorers Italian Stallions in a game that he isn't even in?  Two reasons.  1.  There is very little to discuss in this matchup.  2.  Dom has a limited frustration level with reading and you got to get him early and we might have even lost him at this point.  Probably should have made it the first reason.  Bricklayers had 50% of his points from three guys before the Sunday games even kicked off. It was all downhill from there.  Bay-Bay's was able to take over with lots of touchdowns but very few yards.  Which is how several Canadian day time hookers have described BB's penis, not a lot of length but finishes quickly.  

Italian Stallions defeat Eh Bid Dude

A horse draped in the Italian Flag leaps over a tree

This game was everything the previous game was not.  Saquon Barkley went full Snake Plisskin and thrived after Escaping New York with 33 points.  Eh Bid Dude was the hard luck loser scoring the third most points in the league.  He may have to put some moves together as the only QB on his roster went down with a knee injury and 50 of his points came from his kicker and defense in rule changes voted in by the mathematically challenged.  

Big Nasty Express defeats Ogre's Death Squad

Shrek gets run over by a train

The Big Nasty Express pulled an Ogre's Death Squad at an elementary school (limited touches but lots of damage).  BNE didn't even need CMC to embarrass ODS. As BNE rained down touchdowns from all angles. BNE wins their first game for the first time with fans in the stands since 2015 defeating Bloodfarts in a year the title was won by Deez Nuts.  When you get 9 points above projections for your rookie QB and still get absolutely boat raced, it could be a really long year for ODS.  

Blue Gatorade defeats The Collegians

A brand of sports drink made from Bengal Tigers

The Collegians put their eggs in the Cincinnati Bengal basket and the handle of the basket quickly snapped.    But the Collegians shouldn't be too worried as I'm sure his 30 year old high scores of Mike Evans and James Conner aren't anywhere near hitting a wall in the year of our lord 2024.  Blue Gatorade got smedium performances from the entire squad except Cade Otton who was the only person not to get in on all the Buccaneer points.  That was plenty to defeat the low scorer in the league.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats Dollars

 

A returning champion is given a pile of Dollars

Hardcore Cabinet invited Dollars over to see the champ's ring ceremony and started kicking his ass again.  But Dollars said what one got damn second, we changed the rules and my kicker is going to score 26.6 points (20 under the old and better system) but other than making your author stay up a little later than he wanted, it was for naught.  Hardcore Cabinet had the third highest score in the league despite only scoring 2 touchdowns and not being buoyed by a kicker or defense so the future may look bright.  Dollars playoff predictions went 1-6 in week 1.  Kiss of Death?

Rush 'n Missiles defeats Los Zapatistas

A man in a sombrero is delivering a baby but the baby is a missile

Sergio welcomed Cruz into the world but not his win of the season.  This Wolf on Wolf tryst is the first one they have had with their pants on.  Tyreke Hill got out of hand cuffs and immediately raced into the end zone, while Caleb Williams should be placed in handcuffs for his 6 point performance.  Much love to the Meneses. But at the other end Fuck you Cory!

Tinker Stinkers defeats Stabmyballzrepeatedly

A dwarf robs a comic book store.

Tinker Stinkers were led by the Dallas defense despite not taking them before anybody else drafted a defense.  The Stinkers did lose Puka to IR.  SMBR didn't get much from anyone on his roster until Monday night, with 32 combined from Deebo and Breeze which sounds like a 80's cop show that lasted one season on CBS featuring detectives at the San Jose Police Department who's different backgrounds helps them solve crimes but leads to some interesting banter.  

Now this is a story all about how HTPB got flipped turned upside down, 

And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I tell you how teams that have been historically shitty did well in week 1.  

Rap kind of falls a part there at the end.  The 7 teams who won this week have a combined 5 championships and 3 of those are the defending champion, 1 is auto drafted, and the other is from 2011.  Will the league continue to be the upside down or will things settle into the usual order of life. 

Week 1 Pick 'em Results

The Collegians and Bricklayers went 6-1.  While $$ and EBD went 1-6.  Your score should have been emailed to you.  Still playing with the new system. 

Week 2 Look Ahead. 

Game of the Week 

#2 Big Nasty Express vs #3 Hardcore Cabinet

TS vs ODS

BB vs EDB

BG vs $$

IS vs LZ

RM vs SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#12 Bricklayers vs #14 The Collegians

See you next week!