HTPB 24.1

 

Welcome back HTPB fans!  It's time for season 24!  The Lone Wolves are the top three in the standings with actual lone wolves taking the next three spots.  Goons are 0fer, and AOE only has a win because one got to beat another. 

(A giant hammer drives a nail into a Stallion)

Hardcore Cabinet 105 defeats Italian Stallions 75

Death, taxes, and Hardcore Cabinet defeating The Loins.  For the 14th straight regular season, Italian Stallions lost to Hardcore Cabinet.  The Loins have been crowing about their victory in the third place game last season, but listen very closely to this finely crafted sentence that is 100% accurate.  The Italian Stallions have not defeated Hardcore Cabinet in a game that could have trophy implications since 2011.  Luckily, there is a chance at redemption for you later this season.  But unlikely.

(A man with a small head bullies a little girl basketball player while her bald brother gets ready to defend her.)

Blue Gatorade 112 defeats Bricklayers 100

Bricklayers began their Sunday by sicking their squad of older girls against a poor helpless little angel on the basketball court.  However like a good big brother, Blue Gatorade rushed to defend his little sister against such a bully.  With only 19 points combined out of the Jags stack in a good game for Jacksonville, it could be a long season for the Layers.  Blue Gatorade unlike that piece of cow dung, Jimmy Haslem, stuck with Baker Mayfield to the tune of 27 points.

(A mountie steals a toy train)

Bay-Bay's 100 defeats Big Nasty Express 87

In a matchup of two teams that have traditionally been the moveable object and resistible force, Bay-Bay's has made off with a win to start his season.  What week will the bottom fall out this year?  Stay tuned.  The Express got destroyed more in Primetime games than Primetime's toes and bladder.   Already losing Worthy for a significant stretch of time could spell another season sifting through BNE's fingers like sands of the hour glass. Things don't look to be getting any better for the BNE family as Alex was guillotined this week in the league that his father started.  Generational fantasy poverty is a problem in this country.  

(A homeless man clutches a football trophy in his cardboard box while a man in a sombrero laughs at him)

Los Zapatistas 120 defeat The Collegians 45

The Collegians championship defense started with a whimper.  Not a single player scored double digits for the The Collegians.  Hall and Herbert alone would have produced a win for The Shoes.  Zapatistas has cashed 3 years in a row and looks to continue his hot streak.  Can he overcome the Kittle injury?

(Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler having a slap fight while wearing sundresses.)

                                                                    I can’t create that image.

But if you’d like something fun and surreal in a similar playful spirit, I could make a picture of two generic dictators in vintage sundresses having a silly slap-fight cartoon style. That way you get the humor and absurdity without using real-world figures tied to atrocities.

Want me to make that version?

So I said yes and it literally gave me the exact thing it said I couldn't have.  

Eh Big Dude 98 defeats Dollars 72

The defenses did most of the light lifting that was needed in this matchup.  The D's accounted for 21% of the matchup's total points.  Dollars playoff predictions got off to a rocky start as well as Hardcore Cabinet was the only of his 7 to get a win in week 1.  EBD gets a win in week 1 despite retiring from the league after last season.    

(Dwarf wrapped in a meat blanket standing victorious over a beaten Comic Book guy from the Simpsons after an epic battle in the roman colosseum.)

Yeah I know it's more Chief Wiggum than Comic Book Guy, but boy howdy check out that meat blanket.

Tinker Stinkers 142 defeats StabmyBalzrepeatedly 137

A high scoring matchup featuring fantasy studs like Mahomes and Henry vs Jackson and CMC led to lots of fireworks.  Both squads have planted their flags in the ground to be reckoned with this season.  Tinker Stinkers put up a league high point total with only 4 TD's.  Impressive and should be giving the rest of the league night terror sweats to go with Jason's usual meat sweats.  

(A shirtless Vladimir Putin rides Shrek like a pony)

Rush'n Missiles 125 Ogre's Death Squad 124

In a finally margin smaller than the space between ODS's front teeth, but so was the margin in LZ vs TC.  Josh Allen's huge day led the way for RM as he raked in 40 points.  ODS QB Fields also had a big day but that feels less sustainable.  Did ODS waste his opportunity to capitalize like just missing the ice cream truck?  Not for the cool sugary refreshments but for the conglomeration of children.  RM breaks his 100 point cherry early.  

 

To recap last year, HC won with 65 LZ was last with 45

This year's records can be found here.

Our Clubhouse leaders are EBD and LZ with 5-2 records. The real story is the amount of zeros.  $$$, BNE, and IS all went winless.  They are also 3 of the bottom 4 of the standings after 1 week.  Coincidence?  I think not.  

No power rankings yet, but put your bets in what week BNE and BL complain that their team FEELS like it's better than the data says so they get offended, but rest easy you two, both in real life and in math you deserved to lose this week.  

Game of the Week 

#1 Tinker Stinkers vs #4 Blue Gatorade

#2 RM vs #5 HC

#9 ODS vs #11 BNE

#6 BB vs #14 TC

#13 $$ vs #3 LZ

#7 EBD vs #8 SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week featuring ironically the last two Toilet Bowl "winners"

#10 Bricklayers vs #12 Italian Stallions

Good luck next week.

If you enjoy my take in fake football, you may also enjoy my takes on fake fighting.  This Friday my very own podcast on the North South Connection Network debuts.  So check out Ruthless as I take a week by week look at wrestling 20 years ago, with the same humor you have come to know here. 

HTPB 23.1

 

Welcome one and all to a beginning of new season of the league and the 4th season of the weekly write-up. It's time to make sweeping conclusions based on a limited data set!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bay Bay's defeats Bricklayers

Adam Cole holds a shrunken head to signify his victory

This game combined to score under 30 points less than the league high scorer Italian Stallions.   Why mentioned the league high scorers Italian Stallions in a game that he isn't even in?  Two reasons.  1.  There is very little to discuss in this matchup.  2.  Dom has a limited frustration level with reading and you got to get him early and we might have even lost him at this point.  Probably should have made it the first reason.  Bricklayers had 50% of his points from three guys before the Sunday games even kicked off. It was all downhill from there.  Bay-Bay's was able to take over with lots of touchdowns but very few yards.  Which is how several Canadian day time hookers have described BB's penis, not a lot of length but finishes quickly.  

Italian Stallions defeat Eh Bid Dude

A horse draped in the Italian Flag leaps over a tree

This game was everything the previous game was not.  Saquon Barkley went full Snake Plisskin and thrived after Escaping New York with 33 points.  Eh Bid Dude was the hard luck loser scoring the third most points in the league.  He may have to put some moves together as the only QB on his roster went down with a knee injury and 50 of his points came from his kicker and defense in rule changes voted in by the mathematically challenged.  

Big Nasty Express defeats Ogre's Death Squad

Shrek gets run over by a train

The Big Nasty Express pulled an Ogre's Death Squad at an elementary school (limited touches but lots of damage).  BNE didn't even need CMC to embarrass ODS. As BNE rained down touchdowns from all angles. BNE wins their first game for the first time with fans in the stands since 2015 defeating Bloodfarts in a year the title was won by Deez Nuts.  When you get 9 points above projections for your rookie QB and still get absolutely boat raced, it could be a really long year for ODS.  

Blue Gatorade defeats The Collegians

A brand of sports drink made from Bengal Tigers

The Collegians put their eggs in the Cincinnati Bengal basket and the handle of the basket quickly snapped.    But the Collegians shouldn't be too worried as I'm sure his 30 year old high scores of Mike Evans and James Conner aren't anywhere near hitting a wall in the year of our lord 2024.  Blue Gatorade got smedium performances from the entire squad except Cade Otton who was the only person not to get in on all the Buccaneer points.  That was plenty to defeat the low scorer in the league.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats Dollars

 

A returning champion is given a pile of Dollars

Hardcore Cabinet invited Dollars over to see the champ's ring ceremony and started kicking his ass again.  But Dollars said what one got damn second, we changed the rules and my kicker is going to score 26.6 points (20 under the old and better system) but other than making your author stay up a little later than he wanted, it was for naught.  Hardcore Cabinet had the third highest score in the league despite only scoring 2 touchdowns and not being buoyed by a kicker or defense so the future may look bright.  Dollars playoff predictions went 1-6 in week 1.  Kiss of Death?

Rush 'n Missiles defeats Los Zapatistas

A man in a sombrero is delivering a baby but the baby is a missile

Sergio welcomed Cruz into the world but not his win of the season.  This Wolf on Wolf tryst is the first one they have had with their pants on.  Tyreke Hill got out of hand cuffs and immediately raced into the end zone, while Caleb Williams should be placed in handcuffs for his 6 point performance.  Much love to the Meneses. But at the other end Fuck you Cory!

Tinker Stinkers defeats Stabmyballzrepeatedly

A dwarf robs a comic book store.

Tinker Stinkers were led by the Dallas defense despite not taking them before anybody else drafted a defense.  The Stinkers did lose Puka to IR.  SMBR didn't get much from anyone on his roster until Monday night, with 32 combined from Deebo and Breeze which sounds like a 80's cop show that lasted one season on CBS featuring detectives at the San Jose Police Department who's different backgrounds helps them solve crimes but leads to some interesting banter.  

Now this is a story all about how HTPB got flipped turned upside down, 

And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I tell you how teams that have been historically shitty did well in week 1.  

Rap kind of falls a part there at the end.  The 7 teams who won this week have a combined 5 championships and 3 of those are the defending champion, 1 is auto drafted, and the other is from 2011.  Will the league continue to be the upside down or will things settle into the usual order of life. 

Week 1 Pick 'em Results

The Collegians and Bricklayers went 6-1.  While $$ and EBD went 1-6.  Your score should have been emailed to you.  Still playing with the new system. 

Week 2 Look Ahead. 

Game of the Week 

#2 Big Nasty Express vs #3 Hardcore Cabinet

TS vs ODS

BB vs EDB

BG vs $$

IS vs LZ

RM vs SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#12 Bricklayers vs #14 The Collegians

See you next week!

 

HTPB Weekly Recap 22.1

 

    Live through the magic of the internet, it's the 22nd season of the House that Plook Built. It was a good week for brothers as both sets of brothers went undefeated this week.  I am not referring to the kind of brothers Roy talks about with a hard letter at the end.  It's a long season and for most members of the league engines were not started.  There is still plenty of time to turn things around or maybe run the table in the regular season only to blow it in the playoffs.  Who knows?  Lots of possibilities.  

Bay-Bay's and the Miami Dolphin twosome of Tua and Tyreke led the league in scoring and smashed BNE into a fine paste.  Bay-Bay's also won the position bet as Garrett Wilson found paydirt as well. 

After the game, BNE refused questions from reporters but did release this statement.   Bay-Bay's had spent the offseason flying from Newfoundland down to Miami to scout for the draft and so far so good.  The Nick checked out the Bengals practice facility under a highway, saw Joe Burrow sitting with his leg wrapped in ice, and said I gotta get on this train.  The week one Bengals train ran as smoothly down the tracks as the Big Nasty Express has for the last two decades.  

Despite Johnathan Taylor being injured/contract dispute and JK Dobbins' Achilles imitating a window shade, Eh Bid Dude was able to defeat SMBR behind 8 touchdowns including two from his defense.  This matchup of toy buyer and toy seller didn't lead to a close game.  This reporter is going to track the Royller Coaster that is fantasy football season, so far he is not paying attention much this season because he is living life, but he also said he scouted MULTIPLE defenses and secured them in the draft. Stay tuned as this story develops.  

Bricklayers continues to play chess, while the rest of the league plays checkers.  How do you fix going undefeated in the regular season and then losing your first playoff game?  You lose the first game so that doesn't happen again.  You gotta be a problem solver, friends.  Jeremy's Brother rode his power backs (Henry, Chubb) to victory instead of riding his power bottom which is the norm. (Henry's Chub)  

Ogre's Death Squad fought off his old boy, Josh Allen and Rush 'n Missiles.  RM was a hard luck loser scoring in the top half of the league in points but coming away with a loss, which is much different for RM who usually is just a regular loser. ODS was prancing around with new young rebound QB, Anthony Richardson, while Allen through 3 interceptions and got stuck with the kids.  Can Josh Allen turn it around in a "Stella got her groove back" scenario?  Or has Cory's stink destroyed another promising career?

Blue Gatorade took a break from partying in college to out slap fight Hardcore Cabinet.  Hardcore Cabinet bench scored only 3 less points that the starters, showing that coach may need replaced.  Step payment has been placed on all tuition checks until the rematch later in the season.  Killing Max's education like the nerve endings in Cooper Kupp's leg.  Reports are that BG had a party at his townhouse the night before the game that was 10 girls and himself so maybe he has already learned all he needed to at college.  

    

                                    (A fight scene from the 2017 film: Goon- Last of the Enforcers)

                                                        It's on Netflix if you hate yourself.

The Collegians were actually able to work around their top of the draft running back and rode that to a victory over the Italian Stallions. The combined 1.4 points from their tight ends was a real chef's kiss of suck.  More like loose ends am I right?  It doesn't appear that things will get any easier for the Italian Stallions next week as they battle a team they haven't beaten since 2011.*

* editorial note: Gotta get that in now because my team is hella bad right now. Also make sure that you are talking smack and whatnot so your matchup write up is more than this one.  

The Shoes began defending their title with an impressive defeat of Dollars.  What's more Breece Hall looks great Monday Night so Zapatistas isn't' pulling a 1998-99 Chicago Bulls. Dollars mostly soberly drove his new truck into a good week but couldn't parallel park that thing in the winners circle as Dollars is the top loser of the week. The most important take away here is Sergio brought home a win from Cleveland and followed all ashtrays signs at the draft. Two notorious draft day drunken stumblers, walked out with dignity.   

Congratulations to the Triple Threat of ODS, BB, JB for winning the league pick'em this week by going 5-2.  And a massive shout out to SMBR going 1-6.  

Week 2 picks can be made here.

The Game of the Week 

Brother Battle 

#1 BB vs #2 EBD

Good but less good 

Brother Battle

#3 ODS vs #5 Collegians

JB vs SMBR

BL vs RM

BG vs $$$

BNE vs LZ

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#13 Hardcore Cabinet vs #10 Italian Stallions

Have a great week and on to week 2!