HTPB 23.1

 

Welcome one and all to a beginning of new season of the league and the 4th season of the weekly write-up. It's time to make sweeping conclusions based on a limited data set!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bay Bay's defeats Bricklayers

Adam Cole holds a shrunken head to signify his victory

This game combined to score under 30 points less than the league high scorer Italian Stallions.   Why mentioned the league high scorers Italian Stallions in a game that he isn't even in?  Two reasons.  1.  There is very little to discuss in this matchup.  2.  Dom has a limited frustration level with reading and you got to get him early and we might have even lost him at this point.  Probably should have made it the first reason.  Bricklayers had 50% of his points from three guys before the Sunday games even kicked off. It was all downhill from there.  Bay-Bay's was able to take over with lots of touchdowns but very few yards.  Which is how several Canadian day time hookers have described BB's penis, not a lot of length but finishes quickly.  

Italian Stallions defeat Eh Bid Dude

A horse draped in the Italian Flag leaps over a tree

This game was everything the previous game was not.  Saquon Barkley went full Snake Plisskin and thrived after Escaping New York with 33 points.  Eh Bid Dude was the hard luck loser scoring the third most points in the league.  He may have to put some moves together as the only QB on his roster went down with a knee injury and 50 of his points came from his kicker and defense in rule changes voted in by the mathematically challenged.  

Big Nasty Express defeats Ogre's Death Squad

Shrek gets run over by a train

The Big Nasty Express pulled an Ogre's Death Squad at an elementary school (limited touches but lots of damage).  BNE didn't even need CMC to embarrass ODS. As BNE rained down touchdowns from all angles. BNE wins their first game for the first time with fans in the stands since 2015 defeating Bloodfarts in a year the title was won by Deez Nuts.  When you get 9 points above projections for your rookie QB and still get absolutely boat raced, it could be a really long year for ODS.  

Blue Gatorade defeats The Collegians

A brand of sports drink made from Bengal Tigers

The Collegians put their eggs in the Cincinnati Bengal basket and the handle of the basket quickly snapped.    But the Collegians shouldn't be too worried as I'm sure his 30 year old high scores of Mike Evans and James Conner aren't anywhere near hitting a wall in the year of our lord 2024.  Blue Gatorade got smedium performances from the entire squad except Cade Otton who was the only person not to get in on all the Buccaneer points.  That was plenty to defeat the low scorer in the league.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats Dollars

 

A returning champion is given a pile of Dollars

Hardcore Cabinet invited Dollars over to see the champ's ring ceremony and started kicking his ass again.  But Dollars said what one got damn second, we changed the rules and my kicker is going to score 26.6 points (20 under the old and better system) but other than making your author stay up a little later than he wanted, it was for naught.  Hardcore Cabinet had the third highest score in the league despite only scoring 2 touchdowns and not being buoyed by a kicker or defense so the future may look bright.  Dollars playoff predictions went 1-6 in week 1.  Kiss of Death?

Rush 'n Missiles defeats Los Zapatistas

A man in a sombrero is delivering a baby but the baby is a missile

Sergio welcomed Cruz into the world but not his win of the season.  This Wolf on Wolf tryst is the first one they have had with their pants on.  Tyreke Hill got out of hand cuffs and immediately raced into the end zone, while Caleb Williams should be placed in handcuffs for his 6 point performance.  Much love to the Meneses. But at the other end Fuck you Cory!

Tinker Stinkers defeats Stabmyballzrepeatedly

A dwarf robs a comic book store.

Tinker Stinkers were led by the Dallas defense despite not taking them before anybody else drafted a defense.  The Stinkers did lose Puka to IR.  SMBR didn't get much from anyone on his roster until Monday night, with 32 combined from Deebo and Breeze which sounds like a 80's cop show that lasted one season on CBS featuring detectives at the San Jose Police Department who's different backgrounds helps them solve crimes but leads to some interesting banter.  

Now this is a story all about how HTPB got flipped turned upside down, 

And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I tell you how teams that have been historically shitty did well in week 1.  

Rap kind of falls a part there at the end.  The 7 teams who won this week have a combined 5 championships and 3 of those are the defending champion, 1 is auto drafted, and the other is from 2011.  Will the league continue to be the upside down or will things settle into the usual order of life. 

Week 1 Pick 'em Results

The Collegians and Bricklayers went 6-1.  While $$ and EBD went 1-6.  Your score should have been emailed to you.  Still playing with the new system. 

Week 2 Look Ahead. 

Game of the Week 

#2 Big Nasty Express vs #3 Hardcore Cabinet

TS vs ODS

BB vs EDB

BG vs $$

IS vs LZ

RM vs SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#12 Bricklayers vs #14 The Collegians

See you next week!