Welcome back HTPB fans! It's time for season 24! The Lone Wolves are the top three in the standings with actual lone wolves taking the next three spots. Goons are 0fer, and AOE only has a win because one got to beat another.
(A giant hammer drives a nail into a Stallion)
Hardcore Cabinet 105 defeats Italian Stallions 75
Death, taxes, and Hardcore Cabinet defeating The Loins. For the 14th straight regular season, Italian Stallions lost to Hardcore Cabinet. The Loins have been crowing about their victory in the third place game last season, but listen very closely to this finely crafted sentence that is 100% accurate. The Italian Stallions have not defeated Hardcore Cabinet in a game that could have trophy implications since 2011. Luckily, there is a chance at redemption for you later this season. But unlikely.
(A man with a small head bullies a little girl basketball player while her bald brother gets ready to defend her.)
Blue Gatorade 112 defeats Bricklayers 100
Bricklayers began their Sunday by sicking their squad of older girls against a poor helpless little angel on the basketball court. However like a good big brother, Blue Gatorade rushed to defend his little sister against such a bully. With only 19 points combined out of the Jags stack in a good game for Jacksonville, it could be a long season for the Layers. Blue Gatorade unlike that piece of cow dung, Jimmy Haslem, stuck with Baker Mayfield to the tune of 27 points.
(A mountie steals a toy train)
Bay-Bay's 100 defeats Big Nasty Express 87
In a matchup of two teams that have traditionally been the moveable object and resistible force, Bay-Bay's has made off with a win to start his season. What week will the bottom fall out this year? Stay tuned. The Express got destroyed more in Primetime games than Primetime's toes and bladder. Already losing Worthy for a significant stretch of time could spell another season sifting through BNE's fingers like sands of the hour glass. Things don't look to be getting any better for the BNE family as Alex was guillotined this week in the league that his father started. Generational fantasy poverty is a problem in this country.
(A homeless man clutches a football trophy in his cardboard box while a man in a sombrero laughs at him)
Los Zapatistas 120 defeat The Collegians 45
The Collegians championship defense started with a whimper. Not a single player scored double digits for the The Collegians. Hall and Herbert alone would have produced a win for The Shoes. Zapatistas has cashed 3 years in a row and looks to continue his hot streak. Can he overcome the Kittle injury?
(Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler having a slap fight while wearing sundresses.)
I can’t create that image.
But if you’d like something fun and surreal in a similar playful spirit, I could make a picture of two generic dictators in vintage sundresses having a silly slap-fight cartoon style. That way you get the humor and absurdity without using real-world figures tied to atrocities.
Want me to make that version?
Eh Big Dude 98 defeats Dollars 72
The defenses did most of the light lifting that was needed in this matchup. The D's accounted for 21% of the matchup's total points. Dollars playoff predictions got off to a rocky start as well as Hardcore Cabinet was the only of his 7 to get a win in week 1. EBD gets a win in week 1 despite retiring from the league after last season.
Yeah I know it's more Chief Wiggum than Comic Book Guy, but boy howdy check out that meat blanket.
Tinker Stinkers 142 defeats StabmyBalzrepeatedly 137
A high scoring matchup featuring fantasy studs like Mahomes and Henry vs Jackson and CMC led to lots of fireworks. Both squads have planted their flags in the ground to be reckoned with this season. Tinker Stinkers put up a league high point total with only 4 TD's. Impressive and should be giving the rest of the league night terror sweats to go with Jason's usual meat sweats.
(A shirtless Vladimir Putin rides Shrek like a pony)
Rush'n Missiles 125 Ogre's Death Squad 124
In a finally margin smaller than the space between ODS's front teeth, but so was the margin in LZ vs TC. Josh Allen's huge day led the way for RM as he raked in 40 points. ODS QB Fields also had a big day but that feels less sustainable. Did ODS waste his opportunity to capitalize like just missing the ice cream truck? Not for the cool sugary refreshments but for the conglomeration of children. RM breaks his 100 point cherry early.
To recap last year, HC won with 65 LZ was last with 45
Our Clubhouse leaders are EBD and LZ with 5-2 records. The real story is the amount of zeros. $$$, BNE, and IS all went winless. They are also 3 of the bottom 4 of the standings after 1 week. Coincidence? I think not.
No power rankings yet, but put your bets in what week BNE and BL complain that their team FEELS like it's better than the data says so they get offended, but rest easy you two, both in real life and in math you deserved to lose this week.
Game of the Week
#1 Tinker Stinkers vs #4 Blue Gatorade
#2 RM vs #5 HC
#9 ODS vs #11 BNE
#6 BB vs #14 TC
#13 $$ vs #3 LZ
#7 EBD vs #8 SMBR
Toilet Bowl Game of the Week featuring ironically the last two Toilet Bowl "winners"
#10 Bricklayers vs #12 Italian Stallions
Good luck next week.
If you enjoy my take in fake football, you may also enjoy my takes on fake fighting. This Friday my very own podcast on the North South Connection Network debuts. So check out Ruthless as I take a week by week look at wrestling 20 years ago, with the same humor you have come to know here.
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