HTPB 24.13

 

The league has come down to one final week.  With 4 teams in (ODS/RM are in yahoo doesn't pay attention to tie breakers) 5 teams who's seasons are over.  Leaving 5 teams to fight over 3 spots to continue their seasons and have a shot at some cash and glory. 

Big Nasty Express 127 defeats StabMyBalzRepeatedly 115

 man in a black "universal comics" hoodie hangs on the edge of a mountain side, while a man with a red beard in a shirt that says, "I brake for asterisks" to try to climb to safety

Both teams will be fighting for their playoff lives next week while had the result been reversed both teams fates would have been sealed.  BNE was led by the Buffalo Bills defense and Bijan Robinson who each totaled 28 points.  Pat Mahomes' 35 points was 30% of SMBR total.  SMBR is win and in, lose and maybe in.  BNE has to win and get some help, especially a SMBR loss.  

Hardcore Cabinet 126 defeats Ogre's Death Squad 88

A man carves a Thanksgiving turkey made from Shrek in a kitchen with 3 football trophies displayed.

The Death Squad continues to be held back from greatest by the quarterback position.  ODS has scored 10 or less points from the position 6 times this year.  Sham Darnold took JSN down with him to suffer the loss.  Hardcore Cabinet snaps a short two game skid and while both teams still have a shot at the #1 seed, it can only happen with a Zapatista loss, but both have clinched a playoff spot. 

Rush 'n Missiles127 defeat Blue Gatorade 72

A coach holding a water bottle filled with black liquid yells at a bald college kid to "get the fuck back" into his giant golden toilet.  

A two year journey of dodging the toilet with amazing luck while drinking himself stupid and doing no work towards avoiding the toilet has come to an end.  Blue Gatorade gets the hardware he deserves.  Please contact Brickwood to get that thing because I'm sure as hell not having that thing in my house as an intermediary.  The loser moved out so should his trophy of shame.  It didn't take much beyond Seattle's 42 points from the D and 20 from his kicker to give RM the win and a playoff spot.  

Dollars 110 defeats The Collegians 94

An Air Force veteran is giving a blood transfusion from Joe Burrow.  

Dollars keeps his tiniest flicker of playoff hopes alive.  It would take a Dollars upset of #2 Hardcore Cabinet and loses by one of BB/TS/SMBR and loses by EBD and BNE and then score enough points to win a tie breaker which would mean outscoring them by 120 points.  So Dollars is out, sorry.  Dollars playoff predictions also are mostly out.  He correctly nailed HC and ODS, but missed on himself, IS, TC, and BL.  BNE can still get him to 3 correct on the season.   The Collegians are heading into the off season prepared to go full Gollum when someone comes to get the precious from him.  Hide in the fridge next to the half used jar of MIDS and jug of water.  

Italian Stallions 137 defeat Los Zapatistas 99

A man in a sombrero gets swept away by a herd of stallions each named after a different kind of pasta.

While the Loins dreams of a rare back to back playoffs appearances have gone up in smoke.  He can rest easy that he will not be winning the toilet trophy and ended the streak against Hardcore Cabinet.  He heads back to drawing board for next season.  Los Zapatistas are getting beaten up at the wrong time.  St. Brown looks to miss some time, and Herbert broke his hand, maybe after punching a wall after seeing the St. Brown injury.  Can he get the win next week to get the bye and allow his team to heal an extra week?

Bricklayers 120 defeat Tinker Stinker 87

A man with dwarfism is being pulled into an abyss by a hand made of bricks, in the middle of the meat section at a grocery store.  

Tinker Stinker has been let down Lamar Jackson lately, and despite getting a newly reenergized AJ Brown for the second running back in Detroit, is 2-5 over his last 7 games.  Obviously Tinker Stinker needs to get Lamar back running on all cylinders because he is odds with ownership lately.   TS has failed to score over 100 in 4 of those 7 as well.  The wheels might be coming off but has a win and in scenario next week, but with CMC on a bye things could be dicey.  Bricklayers streak of not making the playoffs since the franchise altering undefeated season playoff choke continues.  He will hold on to the all time league wins as he currently holds a two win edge over Hardcore Cabinet.  

BayBay's 88 defeat Eh Big Dude 79

A younger brother mountie steals a sign labeled "Last Playoff Spot" from Jason Vorhees.

Bay-Bay's are living the Canadian Dream this season.  A playoff spot is all but sewn up and BB will at the very least have the first winning season in franchise history.  It was a sloppy victory for BB's as he would have lost to all but 3 teams this week.  Since EBD crowed about being an a roll and not having a difficult schedule, they have gone 1-5.  Luckily for EBD the middle of the standings haven't done much better and they still have a shot at the playoffs but will need some help.  EBD needs a win, and two of BNE, SMBR, and TS need to lose.  Then tiebreakers come into play with TS and SMBR.  It's uphill climb.  

This week three teams only got 1 game correct, HC, RM, and TS.  Way to go, assholes.  It was a 4-3 winning week for EBD, SMBR, IS, BNE.  EBD is still the overall leader, one win ahead of SMBR.  BG is DFL in this as well, 1 behind $$.  Check out your standings here.

Still #1

1. LZ 119-50

Wolves in Waiting

2. RM 110-57

3. TS 109-60

Could make a run

4. ODS 95-74

5. SMBR 92-77

6. EBD 91-78

Mediocre

#7 IS 83-86

#8 HC 82-87

#9 BNE 82-87

Bad

#10 TC 76-93

#11 $$ 71-98

#12 BL 69-100

#13 BB 67-102

Awful

#14 BG 42-127

Three matchup could have been the game of the week with a score of 10 in total seeds.  So I give the Game of the Week to the one with the most playoff implications.

#1 Los Zapatistas vs #10 Eh Big Dude

#3 RM vs #7 SMBR

#4 ODS vs #6 TS

#2 HC vs #10 $$

#8 BNE vs #14 BG

#5 BB vs #11 BL

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week with absolutely nothing on the line

#12 Italian Stallions vs #13 The Collegians

HTPB 21.13

 

Week 13 in the rearview mirror, it left half the league in the review mirror as well.  Heading into the final week of the season.  Only 8 teams remain alive for the 7 spots.  4 clinched, Dollars, EBD, SMBR and Bricklayers leaving HC, LZ, JB, and BG fighting for the last remaining 4 spots.  Who is going to be left out after this round of musical chairs? 

Dollars dusted of DeShaun Watson and left his TE position empty and Italian Stallions took advantage.  Italian Stallions started the day with a faint breath of life but was unable to get the 400 other things that needed to happen to stay alive.  Dollars can finish the regular season anywhere between 3rd through 6th depending on the results of next week.  Dollars has been below 100 more than above it and his hopeful savior looked like a guy who hadn't played in front of fans in since the previous decade. Italian Stallions continues yet another disappointing season. He hasn't made the playoffs since 2017 hasn't won a game in the playoffs since 2011 which was also the last season that the Italian Stallions defeated Hardcore Cabinet.  Maybe one year, Italian Stallions will get their shit together. 

The crack research team here at the blog determined that this game did in fact happen. Rush' N Missiles continued to slide to straight to the toilet trophy. He's lost 9 of his last ten games.  The Big Nasty Express has turned an automated draft into a higher place in the standings than 4 other teams.  RM has been in the league for good stretch now and looks to have more Toilet Bowl Trophies (1) than playoff wins (0).  I think it might be time that RM retire and spend his time doing what is meant to be doing.  Being the bottom assistant on several different teams.

                                                                (Smack talk from this game)

Blue Gatorade kept their playoff hopes alive with a convincing victory over Stabmyballzrepeatedly.  SMBR lost Lamar Jackson who has been key to this 3 year run.  SMBR is heading to the playoffs as long as he sets a lineup next week.  Which with Kevin you never really now do you?  Nobody wants to see BG in the playoffs.  He can only be the 7th seed which is a shitty present for the #2 seed if he does make it.

Bricklayers was able to push back the attack from Jeremy's Brother but as of yet as not pushed back the accurate accusation that his is smug. Jeremy's Brother introduced People's Exbibit #425 when BL complained that his slash's quarterback being injured was going to be problem for his injury free team.  JB's team took another blow when Jimmy G was lost for the season.  He now must turn to Russell Wilson in a near must win game for JB next week against LZ in which Blue Gatorade can take the spot of the loser with a victory. 

The Shoes went crazy this week with the Browns defense scoring 3 touchdowns and his prince scoring 2 more to old back EBD despite a good week. EBD wanted to lose to hurt BG chances of making the playoffs even had EBD yelling for it.  LZ took home the high score this week and the huge point total greatly improved his chances of making the playoffs even with a loss next week as he and Jeremy's Brother each try to put each other's playoff chances in the lake.

Bay Bay's no longer has to fear getting the toilet trophy shipped to Connecticut.  He rest easy that he was terrible during his first year in the league but not the worst. He knows all the information but most likely suffers from cognitive overload when it comes time to sign free agents and draft. ODS was not so lucky it avoiding the toilet.  In a season that started as, "Hey I'm having the worst luck." has devolved into, "Hey, my team is shit." But the season could end on a high note as ODS would avoid the toilet and hurt HC playoff chances with a victory next week. 

The Collegians kept the entire league up to date with his misery of ending his reign.  Steve is now in the concussion protocol like Joe Mixon after banging his head against the wall after every HC TD. He was hoist by his own petard. Their manager had convinced himself that it wasn't smoke and mirrors and that he was good.  But Hardcore Cabinet answered that question for him this week.   The Jamaal Williams touchdown train continued chugging down the tracks to total 5 Hardcore TD's from the Lions.  Hardcore Cabinet pulls out the win despite Alvin Kamara being a turd burger all season except for one game.  Next week Hardcore Cabinet it in with a win or a Blue Gatorade loss or some really confusing situation if neither happen.  The big news is that we continue the league's perfect streak of not having a repeat champion.  

						- UNLUCKY
						+ LUCKY
		PWR
	TIERS	RANK	W	L	+/-
Undeafeated?		BL	136	20	0
Contenders. Can BG get in>?		EBD	111	45	0
		BG	104	52	-5
		SMBR	101	55	1
Some unlucky mugs		HC	91	65	0
		LZ	89	67	-5
		ODS	86	70	-7
		BNE	85	71	-1
$$/TS got the horseshoe		$$	81	75	5
		IS	80	76	0
		TS	80	76	4
See above		TC	61	95	5
DOO DOO		CB	46	110	0
		BB	46	110	1
NOTES:
SMBR/$$ Set scoring lows for themselves
LZ Set his season High
Top/Bot 4 in scoring
	BOT 4	TOP 4
$$	3	2
BB	8	0
BG	3	6
BL	0	9
BNE	4	4
CB	9	0
EBD	2	8
HC	3	4
IS	4	3
LZ	3	4
ODS	3	4
SMBR	3	7
TC	7	2
TS	4	3

The Final Skynet Computer Playoff Probability

BL, EBD, $, SMBR are all in.

RM leads the toilet odds with 92% probability, ODS 8%

Playoff odds HC 99% LZ 86% JB 80% BG34%

Playoff scenarios

The four teams fighting for 3 spots all are in with a win.  BG is eliminated with a loss putting HC, LZ, and JB regardless of outcome.  If BG and HC win the loser of LZ/JB is out.  If BG wins and HC loses the final playoff spot with be a point tiebreaker between HC and LZ/JB loser. HC currently leads LZ by 14 points and JB by 50 points.

So basically BG loses no drama.  BG wins LOTS of drama.

Dollars ended up only getting 3 for sure playoff teams right.  3 for sure wrong (ODS, TC, IS) and Hardcore Cabinet will decide if Dr. Dollars playoff predictions were a winner or a loser this year.

Congratulations to Week 13 winners Italian Stallions and Blue Gatorade going 6-1. Much like everything else in the league Rush'n Missiles settled into last place with two games picked correctly. ODS is dead last overall however so it seems fitting that they are also at the bottom of the league standings. HC takes a 2 game lead over JB into the final week.  It would have have 3 but JB finally quit stubbornly picking against HC and it benefited him.  Week 14 picks should be entered here. 

Week 14 preview

Game of the Week

#1 Bricklayers vs #8 Blue Gatorade

BNE vs $$$

HC vs ODS

IS vs SMBR

LZ vs JB

TC vs BB

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#2 EBD vs #14 RM

RM must win to avoid toiletries.  Even with a win, ODS must lose as well. You should probably start clearing shelf space.  Anyone got the proper count of of how many times the Brothers in Law have won this thing.  I mean it's for sure over a 1/3 of the league's history.  Does being near Joe's log cock make you shitty at fantasy football?  I assume Peach has never won a single game of fantasy football. 

Enjoy the final week with everyone involved.