HTPB 24.13

 

The league has come down to one final week.  With 4 teams in (ODS/RM are in yahoo doesn't pay attention to tie breakers) 5 teams who's seasons are over.  Leaving 5 teams to fight over 3 spots to continue their seasons and have a shot at some cash and glory. 

Big Nasty Express 127 defeats StabMyBalzRepeatedly 115

 man in a black "universal comics" hoodie hangs on the edge of a mountain side, while a man with a red beard in a shirt that says, "I brake for asterisks" to try to climb to safety

Both teams will be fighting for their playoff lives next week while had the result been reversed both teams fates would have been sealed.  BNE was led by the Buffalo Bills defense and Bijan Robinson who each totaled 28 points.  Pat Mahomes' 35 points was 30% of SMBR total.  SMBR is win and in, lose and maybe in.  BNE has to win and get some help, especially a SMBR loss.  

Hardcore Cabinet 126 defeats Ogre's Death Squad 88

A man carves a Thanksgiving turkey made from Shrek in a kitchen with 3 football trophies displayed.

The Death Squad continues to be held back from greatest by the quarterback position.  ODS has scored 10 or less points from the position 6 times this year.  Sham Darnold took JSN down with him to suffer the loss.  Hardcore Cabinet snaps a short two game skid and while both teams still have a shot at the #1 seed, it can only happen with a Zapatista loss, but both have clinched a playoff spot. 

Rush 'n Missiles127 defeat Blue Gatorade 72

A coach holding a water bottle filled with black liquid yells at a bald college kid to "get the fuck back" into his giant golden toilet.  

A two year journey of dodging the toilet with amazing luck while drinking himself stupid and doing no work towards avoiding the toilet has come to an end.  Blue Gatorade gets the hardware he deserves.  Please contact Brickwood to get that thing because I'm sure as hell not having that thing in my house as an intermediary.  The loser moved out so should his trophy of shame.  It didn't take much beyond Seattle's 42 points from the D and 20 from his kicker to give RM the win and a playoff spot.  

Dollars 110 defeats The Collegians 94

An Air Force veteran is giving a blood transfusion from Joe Burrow.  

Dollars keeps his tiniest flicker of playoff hopes alive.  It would take a Dollars upset of #2 Hardcore Cabinet and loses by one of BB/TS/SMBR and loses by EBD and BNE and then score enough points to win a tie breaker which would mean outscoring them by 120 points.  So Dollars is out, sorry.  Dollars playoff predictions also are mostly out.  He correctly nailed HC and ODS, but missed on himself, IS, TC, and BL.  BNE can still get him to 3 correct on the season.   The Collegians are heading into the off season prepared to go full Gollum when someone comes to get the precious from him.  Hide in the fridge next to the half used jar of MIDS and jug of water.  

Italian Stallions 137 defeat Los Zapatistas 99

A man in a sombrero gets swept away by a herd of stallions each named after a different kind of pasta.

While the Loins dreams of a rare back to back playoffs appearances have gone up in smoke.  He can rest easy that he will not be winning the toilet trophy and ended the streak against Hardcore Cabinet.  He heads back to drawing board for next season.  Los Zapatistas are getting beaten up at the wrong time.  St. Brown looks to miss some time, and Herbert broke his hand, maybe after punching a wall after seeing the St. Brown injury.  Can he get the win next week to get the bye and allow his team to heal an extra week?

Bricklayers 120 defeat Tinker Stinker 87

A man with dwarfism is being pulled into an abyss by a hand made of bricks, in the middle of the meat section at a grocery store.  

Tinker Stinker has been let down Lamar Jackson lately, and despite getting a newly reenergized AJ Brown for the second running back in Detroit, is 2-5 over his last 7 games.  Obviously Tinker Stinker needs to get Lamar back running on all cylinders because he is odds with ownership lately.   TS has failed to score over 100 in 4 of those 7 as well.  The wheels might be coming off but has a win and in scenario next week, but with CMC on a bye things could be dicey.  Bricklayers streak of not making the playoffs since the franchise altering undefeated season playoff choke continues.  He will hold on to the all time league wins as he currently holds a two win edge over Hardcore Cabinet.  

BayBay's 88 defeat Eh Big Dude 79

A younger brother mountie steals a sign labeled "Last Playoff Spot" from Jason Vorhees.

Bay-Bay's are living the Canadian Dream this season.  A playoff spot is all but sewn up and BB will at the very least have the first winning season in franchise history.  It was a sloppy victory for BB's as he would have lost to all but 3 teams this week.  Since EBD crowed about being an a roll and not having a difficult schedule, they have gone 1-5.  Luckily for EBD the middle of the standings haven't done much better and they still have a shot at the playoffs but will need some help.  EBD needs a win, and two of BNE, SMBR, and TS need to lose.  Then tiebreakers come into play with TS and SMBR.  It's uphill climb.  

This week three teams only got 1 game correct, HC, RM, and TS.  Way to go, assholes.  It was a 4-3 winning week for EBD, SMBR, IS, BNE.  EBD is still the overall leader, one win ahead of SMBR.  BG is DFL in this as well, 1 behind $$.  Check out your standings here.

Still #1

1. LZ 119-50

Wolves in Waiting

2. RM 110-57

3. TS 109-60

Could make a run

4. ODS 95-74

5. SMBR 92-77

6. EBD 91-78

Mediocre

#7 IS 83-86

#8 HC 82-87

#9 BNE 82-87

Bad

#10 TC 76-93

#11 $$ 71-98

#12 BL 69-100

#13 BB 67-102

Awful

#14 BG 42-127

Three matchup could have been the game of the week with a score of 10 in total seeds.  So I give the Game of the Week to the one with the most playoff implications.

#1 Los Zapatistas vs #10 Eh Big Dude

#3 RM vs #7 SMBR

#4 ODS vs #6 TS

#2 HC vs #10 $$

#8 BNE vs #14 BG

#5 BB vs #11 BL

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week with absolutely nothing on the line

#12 Italian Stallions vs #13 The Collegians

HTPB 24.12

                                                         

        It's down to the nitty gritty now and honestly while very little is official it feels like everything is decided except for one last playoff spot.

BayBay's 109 defeat Hardcore Cabinet 98

(A mountie removes trophies from a cabinet in order to store his bag of Burger King)

BayBay's have accomplished a non losing season for the first time in franchise history.  The Ravens defense score 10 points in the final two minutes of the game, and Jalen Hurts big first half were enough to get the victory.  Hardcore Cabinet was a good Alshon Jeanty game last Monday night away from being two games clean of the number seed and no the it's all falling apart.  They appear to have lost Higgins and Mayfield for awhile and have to find a way to defeat ODS or now Burrowful Dollars to make the playoffs. 

Ogre's Death Squad 163 defeat Eh Big Dude 158

Shreak and Jason Vorhees battle like monsters in a Godzilla movie with Shrek winning

Not much you can do when Gibbs grabs 62 points, but EBD sure tried.  EBD got the third highest point total of the season and it won't be enough to pick up the victory.  The loss currently sets EBD in the 8th slot in the standings.  A huge matchup against his kin with a playoff spot at stake is on the line, that is if EBD has time to fit in it.  While ODS has a shot at the bye should Los Zapatistas take a siesta in the final weeks.  

Dollars 133 defeats Rush'n Missiles 99.93

Vladimir Putin is drowning in a sea of money while a male nurse in dollar sign scrubs withholds a life preserver.

Rush'n Missiles stupidly played Josh Allen like a dumb worthless idiot, and it cost the victory against Dollars.  RM also lost Kamara to a knee injury for a few weeks and LaPorta for the season.  Luckily he has the best medicine for a rough roster, Blue Gatorade on the schedule next.  With Dollars playoff hopes but a faint flicker, he should be Joe Burrow back on Thanksgiving. Dollars would love to give The Collegians a toilet and keep Hardcore out of the playoffs. 

Los Zapatistas 112 defeat Bricklayers 77

A man in a sombrero gives the eulogy at a funeral for a man with giant gelled hair.

Bricklayers has been officially eliminated and still alive for a back to back toilet.  Los Zapatistas got 48 points from the unlikely sources of Trevor Lawrence and Borregales which looks similar to albondigas so we should have all seen this coming.   The Loins and Dudes are all that stand between the shoes and the bye. Bricklayers heads off into that good night, having missed the playoffs for the third season since choking away an unbeaten season in the playoffs.  

StabMyBalzRepeatedly 99 defeat Italian Stallions 80

A man in black hoodie shoves Rocky Balboa's face into a gravy boat Thanksgiving dinner.  

Dom takes back to back brother in law defeats as SMBR leaps back into playoff positioning.  JTT only got 8 points and when he isn't scoring, IS has lot of Home Improvement to do on the squad.  SMBR facing the other brother in law next week to try to determine who the Last Man Standing will be this season.    uhhhh Toy Story, The Santa ClausE, that space movie with Hans from Die Hard.

Tinker Stinker 99 defeats Big Nasty Express 80

A man with dwarfism and holding a hot dog hugs, AJ Brown of the Philadelphia Eagles while a man with a red beard and white t-shirt with a breast pocket throws a tantrum

Christian McCaffery continues to not get hurt and Tinker Stinkers continues to win because of it.  New addition AJ Brown scored 20 points to give the edge.  The Express went with Brock Purdy although Nick was the one being forced to swallow three interceptions.  Had Caleb Williams been started, BNE would be 7-5 and much deeper in the playoff hunt.  Instead he is squealing like a piggy. You see, Max in the early 70's there was a popular movie called Deliverance where some dudes went a rafting trip and wrecked but got captured by backwoods inbred hillbillies with a hankering for buttfucking.  Movies used to tell original stories, god dammit, just the next recycled intellectual property in a cash grab.  You used to take your best girl down to the soda shop and then to old picture house and watch Ned Beatty get ass raped by a toothless inbred, by god.  

The Collegians 97 defeat Blue Gatorade 94

A college graduate beats a college kid with a flag while a golden toilet looms 

What can be said about this matchup between these squads that hasn't already been said about leprosy.  The Collegians were spurned on to victory mainly by the Las Vegas Raiders' offensive line.  This reporter hasn't seen so many ole blocks since Eric Wright in the 10th week of 1999.    Saquon Barkley appears to have left it all on the field last season, but Godwin returned to scored 2 points. The win gives The Collegians a magic number of 1 to avoid toiletries.  

Bay-Bay's is having himself a week as he wins pick 'em and sets a franchise record for wins going 5-2 this week.  EBD and BG did the inverse with 2-5 records.  They are also our first and last place overall in the pick em standings.  

The Favorite

1. LZ 113-43

Really Good teams who can win it

2. TS 107-49

3. RM 99-57

4. ODS 92-64

5. EBD 90-66

6. SMBR 84-72

They can get ya win once

7. HC 72-84

8. TC 71-85

9. IS 70-86

Not good

10. BNE 65-91

11. $$ 64-92

12. BB 60-96

13. BL 60-96

Awful

14. BG 42-114

The computer simulations say LZ/ODS are in.  HC, RM, TS are all 95% and up.  SMBR is 88%.  Where is gets interesting is BB 55%, EBD 53% and BNE 11%.  Everyone else is 0%.

Bye chances 

LZ 86, ODS 10 HC 2 TS 1

Toilet Bowl Winner

BG 79 IS 18 BL 1 TC 1

Game of the Week

#3 Hardcore Cabinet vs #2 Ogre's Death Squad

Honorable Mention because it's a defacto playoff game

#7 EBD vs #8 BB

#9 BNE vs #6 SMBR

#14 BG vs #5 RM

#12 BL vs #4 TS

#13 IS vs #1 LZ

Toilet Game of the Week and the only game without playoff implications!

#10 Dollars vs #11 Collegians

Have a great Thanksgiving HTPB!

Zoom in and enjoy

(draw an ogre, a train, a big dude, a mountie, comic book guy from the simpsons, an Italian stallion, a bottle of blue gatorade, someone on a toilet with a cell phone, a brick, a mexican revolutionary, a bag of money, a russian missile, college graduate, and a cabinet filled with weapons all sitting around a thanksgiving meal)

HTPB 24.9

    

The chat was dead but the games were crazy.  Most of the scoring was contained in two matchups as those two games contained our top 4 scoring teams of the week.  Hopefully I was able to bring enough insight, math, and chuckles to the league this week, Mr. Commissioner.  

Big Nasty Express 112 defeats Dollars 90

A man with a red beard holds on to a steam engine to escape after robbing a male nurse of his burlap sack with a dollar sign on it.

Joe Flacco tried to carry Dollars from the morass but he couldn't overcome the second time this season that Dollars was involved in a Jamar Chase and Brock Bowers trade the and the other one exploded.  Dollars started Emanuel Wilson at the running back position and reaped a splendid 2 point performance.  Dollars has used duct tape and guile to get to 4 wins this season but it may be too much to make the playoffs with this squad. The Express is somehow 5-4 could get this team into the playoffs but with a schedule that includes, TS, RM, and SMBR that may be a tall order.  

Hardcore Cabinet 94 defeats Bricklayers 87

A man with 3 football trophies is next to a sad man with multiple golden toilets and giant gelled hair.

Despite Rome Oduze getting a goose egg and Jordan Love only getting 7 points, Hardcore Cabinet was able to use his championship instincts to get the win.  Bricklayers have lost Kraft for the season it's appropriate as this has been a box mac and cheese level season for Bricklayers.  Hardcore Cabinet (173) now pulls within one win of the Bricklayers (174) for the most wins in league history.  

Los Zapatistas 143 defeat Tinker Stinkers 137

A wolf in a sombrero takes a dwarf in a birthday hat into the woods to eat him and his plate of meat.

The game of the week did not disappoint as haymakers were tossed from Lamar and CMC against Herbert and London. Unfortunately for the birthday boy he didn't have anyone crack the 20 point barrier like LZ's Monangai filling in for an injured Swift.  Tinker Stinkers shouldn't worry however that despite the 4 losses their schedule that is easier than league average the rest of the way and an impressive point total, the playoffs seem easily attainable.  Los Zapatistas look to get that bye locked down with an upcoming meeting with fellow 7-2 squad Hardcore Cabinet.  

StabmyBalzRepeatedly 111 defeat The Collegians 91

A man dressed in for a Hawaiian Luau whispers into the ear of a bearded man in a black hoodie while a college graduate cries in the background.

SMBR wins their fourth in a row and with a remaining schedule that includes BG, $$, IS, and BNE that streak will be favored to extend for awhile.  He was able to overcome the 8 points from Mahomes with 6 double digit performers including 18 from our broken ass kicker scoring system. The Collegians haven't given up becoming the first repeat champ in league history and with a remaining schedule of BL, BNE, BG, $$, and IS a late run into the playoffs isn't out of the question.  

Rush n' Missiles 139 defeat Eh Big Dude 137

Vladamir Putin is riding a tank firing missiles at an army of anthropomorphic trees which are running in fear.

Brock Bowers tried to pull off the win 37 points in his first game back on EBD, but Jayden Daniels missed out the likely 2 points from junk time because his injury.  Puka returned to the lineup for RM and then left it with another injury but not before getting 18 points.  Jared Allen continues to rack up rushing touchdowns, that should have been James Cook.  (Am I doing this right, Steve?)  The win leaps RM ahead of EBD in the standings but still hold the final two playoff spots. 

Ogre's Death Squad 119 defeat Bay-Bay's 105

Shrek has Adam Cole in a gorilla press in a wrestling match.  

AI thought a gorilla press was bear hug and put a Teddy Bear in it, but I like it.  Do you want to learn the difference between a gorilla press and a bear hug and enjoy the humor you read here?  Check out the Ruthless podcast available here.

ODS has won 6 of 7 games to find themselves in 3rd place which has got to be on of the best commissioner performances in league history.  Speaking of all time performances, BB's is two wins away from his best season ever, which yes is just a .500 record.  Just average.  Sam Darnold threw more TD's in the first half than BB's whole team scored in the game.  ODS hasn't made this playoffs since 2020 and BB's has never done so.  Could this be the year?

Blue Gatorade 99 defeat Italian Stallions 85

A herd of stallions are being washed down a raging river of blue sports drink while a hairless college kid cackles from the inside of a dumpster.

Blue Gatorade was led by Jacoby Brissett, yes Jacoby Brissett and the Titans defense, yes the Titans defense to get the win over Italian Stallions.  The Loins may have finally broken the curse of Hardcore Cabinet last week but he may have unleashed the black magic to be absorbed by the son to wreck havoc about the Loins for another decade.  The battle for the toilet just got interesting with these two and also featuring Bricklayers plus a special cameo appearance by the Collegians.  The bottom of standings are going to be interesting the rest of the way. 

This week Los Zapatistas had high score, is in first place, and went 7-0 in picks.  Even being the only owner to call the BG upset.  Speaking of BG, he came in last again with only 2 correct. All it took was four straight weeks of getting 2 or less for BG to finally fall into last place in pick em as well.  EBD maintains his overall lead over SMBR.  Check out all your weeks here.

1. LZ 85-32

2. TS 81-36

3. RM 70-47

4. SMBR 69-48

5. EBD 63-54

6. TC 61-56

7. ODS 60-57

8. HC 56-61

9. BB 55-65

10. $$ 52-65

11. IS 48-69

12. BNE 48-69

13. BL 43-74

14. BG 31-86

Hardcore Cabinet has been the luckiest being 6 spots ahead and should be just outside the playoffs, while TC should be in the playoffs but TC all over the place season with sky high highs and cratering lows may be malfunctioning the system.  A solid score in HTPB is 100-110.  TC has fallen into that range just 3 times. Nuts.

Our computer overlords have decreed that these teams have a 90%+ chance of making the playoffs

LZ, SMBR, HC, TS

80%+

RM, ODS

coinflips

EBD, BB

life support

BNE, TC, $$

infinitesimal 

IS, BL

No possible world
 BG

Game of the Week 

#1 Los Zapatistas vs #3 Ogre's Death Squad

#2 HC vs #7 EBD

#8 BB vs #4 TS

#9 BNE vs #6 RM 

#14 BG vs #5 SMBR

#10 $$ vs #11 IS

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#13 Bricklayers vs #11 The Collegians

On to week 10!

 

HTPB 23.9

                                                   

The league continues to separate into the have and have nots.  But things are getting interesting for that final playoff spot. 

                                                Ogre's Death Squad defeats Blue Gatorade

Shrek uses a bazooka to kill a housefly.

The Death Squad could have saved some of those 7 touchdowns because just setting your lineup is enough to defeat Blue Gatorade.  Dak left the game with a pulled hamstring and someone needs to pull the lever on the electric chair for Blue Gatorade this season.  They have broken 100 points this season only once, which however is more times than they have kissed a girl.  ODS was voted to be the team most likely to emerge from the bottom to take a playoff spot and their remaining schedule is as soft as Big E's back hair.  ODS only plays one team that is currently in the top 7 (HC) the rest of the way.  

Tinker Stinkers defeat Big Nasty Express

A man smokes Arby's roast beef over a tire fire while burning down small hillbilly town of Waco.

Big Nasty Express has managed to break 82 points three times season and Tinker Stinkers took advantage with the lucky win.  Austin Ekeler was in sole control of the Commanders backfield but it was not enough because Nick Webb was in control of the roster.  In appears that BNE will continue to wait for that elusive drafted championship team.  Can Tinker Stinkers overcome their putrid point total to make a run to sneak into the postseason?  Doubtful as he only plays one non playoff team the rest of the season.  

Italian Stallions defeat Rush' N Missiles

Rocky Balboa holds the Mike Johnson cup

Rush n' Missiles was able to get 28 points from Alvin Kamara and turn into fucking nothing.  Not that mattered as Italian Stallions led the league in points this week with 160 spot. Saquon and Achane combined to score more than a few teams have done as whole this year, I'm looking at you BNE and BG.  The Loins are having the season of dreams.  They have yet to score less than 106 points this season.  Next week Italians Stallions faces their biggest challenge as Hardcore Cabinet awaits.  Can the Loins end 12 years of losing or will the streak become a teenager?  Italian Stallions would have beaten Hardcore Cabinet 5 of the nine weeks but only once in the 5.  

The Collegians defeat Stabmybalzrepeatedly

A man with a long face sneaks past a comic book security guard who fell asleep.

SMBR didn't take Amari Cooper out of the lineup but it wouldn't have mattered as Joe Burrow tossed 5 tuddies.  Amazingly none of them went to Jamar Chase which kept this game close.  The Collegians seem to have grabbed ahold of one of the playoff spots under the big 4.  With a 6-3 record and only one game remaining against a top 7 team (RM), The Collegians have been given league approval to sell playoff tickets.  SMBR may have packed it in for the season ending their impressive 3 playoff streak.  Barring an insane comeback or a crazy collapse by LZ, he will own the longest current playoff streak in the league.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats Bricklayers

 A strong muscular goat stands tall over a weak down on it's luck goat with a tiny head.

In a battle of the two greatest teams in league history, Bricklayers were unable to gain the victory despite scoring their second highest point total of the year.  JK Dobbins ran right through the remaining hope in both the Browns and Bricklayers season.  The difference in this game was the 23 point swing in defenses in a game decided by 22 points.  Bricklayers had the massively inferior D.  Although he can hold on to having the most wins in league history and tied for the most championships....for now.  Hardcore Cabinet currently holds the top spot in the league but upcoming titan battles against IS and EBD make that position tenuous.  

Dollars defeats Bay-Bay's

A Mountie is crushed under a giant bag of cash.

Dollars got himself a needed win to remain atop the teams fighting behind the big 4.  He needed this win as his schedule the rest of the way is brutal TS, RM, HC, IS, LZ.  Bay-Bay's has blamed injuries for his team being bad during it's entire existence.  This season he has been healthy and has a 5-9 record.  I am beginning to think that he is just not very good at this.  Dollars had such a good week down his roster that he was able to put up 122 with Kyler only getting 3 points.  Can the rest of the roster over come the 2nd half of the season Kyler slump?

Eh Big Dude defeats Los Zapatistas

Jason Vorhees steals a wolf's sombrero.  

Eh Big Dude is riding a 3 game winning streak into his long awaited week 10, while Los Zapatistas takes two straight losses against championship caliber foes.  EBD dude appears to have dodged a major injury to AJ Brown and his Philly stack.  Despite averaging 128 points over the last two weeks, The Shoes have nothing to show for it but two losses.  LZ will look to recover against a Charmin soft rest of the schedule of BG, SMBR, RM, BL, and $$.  These two will continue to battle with HC and IS for that coveted bye.  Although the absolutely most hilarious timeline is EBD getting to week 10 and losing to last place BL. 

1. LZ 98-19

Still a class to himself. Unico en su clase.

2. EBD 86-31

3. HC 83-34

4. IS 80-37

Title contenders every one in this group.  I would shocked if the Big Cat was raised by someone not in this group.  

5. $$ 60-57

6. BB 59-58

Mediocre Good

7. TC 55-62

8. RM 52-65

9. ODS 52-65

Mediocre Bad

10. TS 49-62

11. BNE 43-74

12. BL 42-75

13. SMBR 39-78

Not this year

14. BG 21-96

Bay-Bay's has been the only one with a large degree of bad luck, being 4 spots lower than he should be.  RM has stolen his playoff valor. 

This week Hardcore Cabinet won the week with a 6-1 record which keeps him in the overall lead for the season.  ODS went down with a abysmal 2-5 record which drops him into last place overall for the season.  

Season totals and week by week breakdown here.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/10U1yZLxPBRtqUHSNx8yUlUHe2l8aNko6d5y9UO14BRI/edit?usp=sharing

As a reminder since this is the first time I am including this in the flog, this is based of off how your team has done.  It does not know injuries or bye weeks.  For example, CMC has not played at all for EBD so Skynet has no idea he is even on the roster. I drop all decimals for ease of reading and typing. 

First round bye odds

LZ 50, HC 26, IS 18, EBD 3

Playoff odds

LZ 100, HC 99, IS 99, EBD 99, TC 98, $$ 86, RM 60, ODS 22, BB 20, TS 10, BNE >1, SMBR >1, BL 0, BG 0

We have finally made it to week 10.  Hold on to your butts. 

Game of the Week

#1 Hardcore Cabinet vs Italian Stallions

#13 BG vs #3 LZ

#14 BL vs #4 EBD

#5 $$ vs #9 TS

#8 ODS vs #11 SMBR

#7 RM vs #6 TC

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#10 Bay-Bay's vs #12 Big Nasty Express