HTPB 24.3

 

The ranks of the unbeaten and the winless took a big hit this week.  We had ten teams with goose eggs in a column in the standings and now we have 5. Power Rankings will debut next week.  Right now everyone is bunched up for the most part except Tinker Stinkers a clear #1 and The Loins a distant #14.

Hardcore Cabinet 112.65 defeats Blue Gatorade 88.52

(A smiling dad puts his failure bald son in the corner)

Hardcore Cabinet remains undefeated after picking up a third straight win over someone who has slept with one of Kevin's sisters.  Blue Gatorade's receiving core of McConkey and McLauren did McShitty totaling 12 points.  Hunter Henry led the way for Hardcore Cabinet overcoming yet another poor performance from #1 pick Alshon Jeanty and 2nd round pick Tee Higgins scored 1 point.  

Stabmybalzrepeatedly 105.37 defeats Bricklayers 91.99

(A man in a hoodie unleashes a team of 7 year old flag football players with giant steroid aided muscles to attack a man with a tiny head and tons of gel in his hair.)

Despite a big 21 points from Drake Maye and 26 from the Chiefs defense, Bricklayers couldn't crack 92 points.  Despite Bricklayers opponents having secured exactly zero wins against any other team, he has managed to put together only 1 win.  SMBR used a well rounded performance to pick up his first win of the season right before a tough schedule stretch over the next three weeks where his opponents have a combined record of 8-1.

The Collegians 144.70 defeats Eh Big Dude 95.22

(An mysterious wizard known as the schedule maker breaks off his relationship with a giant who has to face reality)

Eh Big Dude finally played someone who didn't have a terrible week and boy howdy did they over correct as the Collegians went nanners for 144 points.  The Collegians outscored their week 1 performance by 99.  EBD spent a majority of his FAAB on Jake Browning who left a giant brown something on the field this week.  When your team is led in scoring by a white running back not named CMC, it could be a dark stretch for EBD.  

Ogre's Death Squad 137.68 defeats Italian Stallions 98.77

(Shrek puts a stallion in a headlock while a lamb with his ankle in a cast cries.)

Geno Smith dropped a 30 spot to give ODS their first victory of the year. He's running a celebration sale on his onlyfans. The Italian Stallions are staring yet another toilet bowl this year especially after Lamb's early injury today.  Even JTT's 33 spot could not save the Stallions from their fate.  Can the Stallions avoid yet another terrible season?

Rush'n Missiles 124.65 defeats Bay-Bay's 82.63

(A coach chases off a Mountie making sure he is gets back.)

Bay-Bay's returned to where they feel the most comfortable, losing without breaking 100 this week.  RM was able to return to winning form as Josh Allen returned to form as well, getting 27 points.  James Conner was lost for the season for Bay-Bay's. Could Bay-Bay's fall of a cliff just like year after a hot start?   

Tinker Stinkers 132.05 defeats Dollars 126.28

(A dwarf smashes a zombie made of money with his bag of Arby's while a sad reporter takes notes on the changing battle.)

Tinker Stinkers used a whole heaping serving of Monday Night Magic to continue his steam rolling through the league through 3 weeks.  Both Lamar and Montgomery got over 30 points as Dollars tried to get his season of the mat behind two running backs who currently aren't splitting carries in Hampton and Mason.  Right now that all time winning percentage is taking a pretty big hit. Currently his playoff predictions are toilet bowl worthy as well as they have 2 teams that are currently in the top 7 for a combined 33% win percentage.  Take away HC's 3-0 record and the other 6 have a combined 4 wins. 

Los Zapatistas 108.50 defeat Big Nasty Express 103.84

(A man in a sombrero just edges out a train driven by Caleb Williams in a race called "Monday Night")

The BNE tried to pull of  the upset with Caleb Williams scoring a third of his team's points but the victory slipped through his painted nails.  The Zapatistas remained undefeated mainly thanks to the Colts are their horse based defense.   Will BNE still have a chance to make the playoffs when all of his injured guys return?  Will LZ ever lose?  Will I come up with something funny for this game? 

1. no

2. yes

3. not really, this bit is weak

The top pickers went 5-2 this week, with SMBR, BNE, ODS, and EBD hitting those games correctly.  EBD has at least been tied for 1st all three weeks and is our overall leader.  Everybody else got 3 right except for TC who got 4. 

Here are the guys that everybody else was stupid for letting them fall in the draft

BNE- Shaheed

RM- Judkins

TS -Warren 

LZ- Egbuka

ODS- Ayomanor

BB-Javontae Williams

EBD- Diggs

$$- Tuten

IS- Etienne

HC- JCM

BL- Kraft

Too Shitty of a bench- BG,TC

Always fucking with me on the question: SMBR

Game of the Week

#2 Los Zapatistas vs Rush'n Missiles #4

HC vs SMBR

EBD vs BNE

IS vs BB

BG vs ODS

TS vs TC

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#13 Dollars vs #12 Bricklayers

Good luck to all next week! 

Click here for episode 1 of Ruthless.

HTPB 24.2

                                                         

 Usually the league is full of parity.  Not so far this year with so many winless and undefeated teams.  Will it continue?  The Power Rankings won't be debuting this week as their isn't enough data, so way to get everyone's hopes up this morning, Big E.  

Bricklayers 101.43 beat Italian Stallions 86.38

(Rocky Balboa stands in the ring being pelts by Lego bricks)

It wasn't pretty as a game between the last two toilet bowl winners would be.  When a game features 4 Jaguars, it's not for the feint of heart.  Bricklayers gets a leg up on this race to avoid the bottom.  The Loins are the lone team to have not cracked 100 and are in driver's seat for another toilet after last year's blip.  Although when it's heading to the toilet bowl, it's more like tied up in the trunk than the driver's seat.  

Big Nasty Express 122.30 defeats Ogre's Death Squad 92.15

(A train held together with duct tape and sadness runs over Shrek in a New York Jets Jersey)

Ogre's Death Squad was undone by Justin Fields, the lone QB on his roster, who both suffered possible brain trauma. Fields on Sunday and ODS on draft day.  BNE was able to overcome losing Worthy, Mixon, and Purdy to get 123 points with a well rounded attack led by Buffalo D as Fields was the gift that gave both ways.  

Bay-Bay's 156.97 defeat The Collegians 106.07

(A mountie arrests a college graduate and takes him to jail on horseback)

Bay-Bay's is off to a 2-0 start which is 33% of the way to his best record ever in the league.  (that's 6 wins if math is difficult for you)  The dream's of a repeat championship are not very vivid right now.  Right now the collegians are dreaming about just getting a win.  The Collegians did however score 3 times as much as week 1.    Bay-Bay's won the little brother bowl.  

Hardcore Cabinet 103.53 vs Rush'n Missiles 100.03

(One teacher happily holds a bag of gummies while the other teacher is sad and only gets a water bottle with tobacco spit)

The closest game of the week came down to a Jordan Reed injury.  Josh Allen led the Bills to 30 points but didn't score himself as he let James Cook handle that.  RM said that HC draft was disappointing and his team was second rate.  Aged like cheese.  Luckily RM parlayed his loss with some European soccer and Korean baseball on his wife's Draft Kings account.  Hardcore Cabinet pulls off the Texas two step of people who sleep with Kevin's sisters.

Tinker Stinkers 119 defeats Blue Gatorade 101.77

(A dwarf unsatisfied by his Arby's smokes a bald college kid with an apple in his mouth like a pig on s pit.)

I had to add "mannequin" so it would work within terms and conditions

Lamar Jackson ripped through the Browns like Jason rips through a pork butt and lead the Stinkers to victory.  He keeps his hold on to first place while BG keeps his hold on Godwin on a active roster spot instead of using the IR spot.  The Stinkers continue to roll through the competition after being declared the favorite last week so anything less than his first championship will be a crushing disappointment.  As BG's father, I more than anyone understand crushing disappointment.  

                                       Eh Big Dude 103.47 defeats StabmyBalzrepeatedly 98.93

(Jason Vorhees on crutches destroys Comic Book Guy's Shop)

Eh Big Dude continues his run through a soft schedule threading the needle of wins.  The Browns shut down Derrick Henry and when someone gets 24.50 from a kicker, getting the win is hard.  EBD running back zero philosophy has been working when matched up opponent scores 100 zero.  

                                                    Los Zapatistas 109 defeat Dollars101

         (An angry man in a Joe Burrow jersey punches a hole in drywall and on the other side is a smiling man in a sombrero.)

Dollars managed to cross the 100 threshold despite the Burrow injury.  Dollars has already transitioned like somebody at the last day of the county fair trying avoiding the toilet. With no active QB on the roster, it could look rough the rest of the way. Los Zapatistas continue their march towards their 4th straight cash out and trying to head up the all time league wins total.

EBD and BG win this week with 5 correct guesses.  The rear was filled with 2-5 records from IS, ODS, RM, and TC.  EBD is our overall leader and IS is at the bottom.  Full results available here.

                                                                 Game of the week 

                                                    #2 Bay-Bay's vs #6 Rush'n Missiles

                                                                    HC vs BG

                                                                    EBD vs TC

                                                                    BNE vs LZ

                                                                    BL vs SMBR

                                                                    $$ vs TS

                                                                    

                                                                   Toilet Bowl Game

                                              #13 Italian Stallions vs #11 Ogre's Death Squad

Good luck next week.  

                                                    

HTPB 24.1

 

Welcome back HTPB fans!  It's time for season 24!  The Lone Wolves are the top three in the standings with actual lone wolves taking the next three spots.  Goons are 0fer, and AOE only has a win because one got to beat another. 

(A giant hammer drives a nail into a Stallion)

Hardcore Cabinet 105 defeats Italian Stallions 75

Death, taxes, and Hardcore Cabinet defeating The Loins.  For the 14th straight regular season, Italian Stallions lost to Hardcore Cabinet.  The Loins have been crowing about their victory in the third place game last season, but listen very closely to this finely crafted sentence that is 100% accurate.  The Italian Stallions have not defeated Hardcore Cabinet in a game that could have trophy implications since 2011.  Luckily, there is a chance at redemption for you later this season.  But unlikely.

(A man with a small head bullies a little girl basketball player while her bald brother gets ready to defend her.)

Blue Gatorade 112 defeats Bricklayers 100

Bricklayers began their Sunday by sicking their squad of older girls against a poor helpless little angel on the basketball court.  However like a good big brother, Blue Gatorade rushed to defend his little sister against such a bully.  With only 19 points combined out of the Jags stack in a good game for Jacksonville, it could be a long season for the Layers.  Blue Gatorade unlike that piece of cow dung, Jimmy Haslem, stuck with Baker Mayfield to the tune of 27 points.

(A mountie steals a toy train)

Bay-Bay's 100 defeats Big Nasty Express 87

In a matchup of two teams that have traditionally been the moveable object and resistible force, Bay-Bay's has made off with a win to start his season.  What week will the bottom fall out this year?  Stay tuned.  The Express got destroyed more in Primetime games than Primetime's toes and bladder.   Already losing Worthy for a significant stretch of time could spell another season sifting through BNE's fingers like sands of the hour glass. Things don't look to be getting any better for the BNE family as Alex was guillotined this week in the league that his father started.  Generational fantasy poverty is a problem in this country.  

(A homeless man clutches a football trophy in his cardboard box while a man in a sombrero laughs at him)

Los Zapatistas 120 defeat The Collegians 45

The Collegians championship defense started with a whimper.  Not a single player scored double digits for the The Collegians.  Hall and Herbert alone would have produced a win for The Shoes.  Zapatistas has cashed 3 years in a row and looks to continue his hot streak.  Can he overcome the Kittle injury?

(Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler having a slap fight while wearing sundresses.)

                                                                    I can’t create that image.

But if you’d like something fun and surreal in a similar playful spirit, I could make a picture of two generic dictators in vintage sundresses having a silly slap-fight cartoon style. That way you get the humor and absurdity without using real-world figures tied to atrocities.

Want me to make that version?

So I said yes and it literally gave me the exact thing it said I couldn't have.  

Eh Big Dude 98 defeats Dollars 72

The defenses did most of the light lifting that was needed in this matchup.  The D's accounted for 21% of the matchup's total points.  Dollars playoff predictions got off to a rocky start as well as Hardcore Cabinet was the only of his 7 to get a win in week 1.  EBD gets a win in week 1 despite retiring from the league after last season.    

(Dwarf wrapped in a meat blanket standing victorious over a beaten Comic Book guy from the Simpsons after an epic battle in the roman colosseum.)

Yeah I know it's more Chief Wiggum than Comic Book Guy, but boy howdy check out that meat blanket.

Tinker Stinkers 142 defeats StabmyBalzrepeatedly 137

A high scoring matchup featuring fantasy studs like Mahomes and Henry vs Jackson and CMC led to lots of fireworks.  Both squads have planted their flags in the ground to be reckoned with this season.  Tinker Stinkers put up a league high point total with only 4 TD's.  Impressive and should be giving the rest of the league night terror sweats to go with Jason's usual meat sweats.  

(A shirtless Vladimir Putin rides Shrek like a pony)

Rush'n Missiles 125 Ogre's Death Squad 124

In a finally margin smaller than the space between ODS's front teeth, but so was the margin in LZ vs TC.  Josh Allen's huge day led the way for RM as he raked in 40 points.  ODS QB Fields also had a big day but that feels less sustainable.  Did ODS waste his opportunity to capitalize like just missing the ice cream truck?  Not for the cool sugary refreshments but for the conglomeration of children.  RM breaks his 100 point cherry early.  

 

To recap last year, HC won with 65 LZ was last with 45

This year's records can be found here.

Our Clubhouse leaders are EBD and LZ with 5-2 records. The real story is the amount of zeros.  $$$, BNE, and IS all went winless.  They are also 3 of the bottom 4 of the standings after 1 week.  Coincidence?  I think not.  

No power rankings yet, but put your bets in what week BNE and BL complain that their team FEELS like it's better than the data says so they get offended, but rest easy you two, both in real life and in math you deserved to lose this week.  

Game of the Week 

#1 Tinker Stinkers vs #4 Blue Gatorade

#2 RM vs #5 HC

#9 ODS vs #11 BNE

#6 BB vs #14 TC

#13 $$ vs #3 LZ

#7 EBD vs #8 SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week featuring ironically the last two Toilet Bowl "winners"

#10 Bricklayers vs #12 Italian Stallions

Good luck next week.

If you enjoy my take in fake football, you may also enjoy my takes on fake fighting.  This Friday my very own podcast on the North South Connection Network debuts.  So check out Ruthless as I take a week by week look at wrestling 20 years ago, with the same humor you have come to know here. 

2025 Dollars Playoff Predictions

 

Dollars Playoff Picks 2025

ODS

After being a playoff pick last year then missing the playoffs here we are again. I guess I just like the way ODS drafts. Gibbs and Achane a pair of high upside PPR RBs is my favorite start among everyone’s draft! JSN, Sutton, Meyers, Pearsall and Jayden Higgins are a nice mix of WRs that give him a nice floor with chance for some upside. Njoku in the 7th is another pick I like especially with Flacco starting. Another year of waiting on QB ODS takes Fields in the 9th and pairs him with Goff in the 13th. Both have been productive fantasy QBs. Playing matchups can be tricky, should be fun watching Ogre shoot himself in the foot a couple times this season.

Bricklayers

Here is my other failed playoff pick from last season. Not only missed the playoffs but decided to go ahead and take home the toilet bowl as well. With the 13th pick in the first round Brick started his 2025 redeem team build with Brian Thomas jr. Chase Brown in the 2nd one of my favorite picks of the draft. TreVeyon Henderson in the 3rd, volume is a question but the talent is not. Filled out his WRs in rounds 4-7 Mike Evans, Calvin Ridley, Debo and Addison. Late round QB strategy landed him Drake Maye in the 9th and Trevor Lawrence in the 12th which gives him a pair of stacks to choose from. Excellent value on TE Tucker Kraft in the 10th round.

The Collegians

The champ is here! TC has cemented himself in the upper echelon of the league. A perennial contender and looking at this draft I see another competitive year. Nico, AJ Brown and Davante Adams Drafted in the first four rounds. This looks like the best WR trio coming out of the draft and a solid starting point for this build. He got good value on Kennith Walker in the 3rd and Tony Pollard in the 5th. Walker has been incredible when not injured and Pollard should have plenty of Volume on an improved Titans team. Think he went a round early on both Bo Nix in the 6th and Evan Engram in the 7th. Gotta get your guys and this gives him his stack. The stack he had last year carried him to the championship.

Hardcore Cabinet

A playoff pick one other time that I can remember. More often than not I don’t care for HC’s draft. Yet he continues to prove me wrong time and again. Stating this draft with Aston Jeanty then selecting James Cook in the 3rd. A very nice 1-2 punch at RB and I also like the Bill Croskey pick because I want a piece of that offense. Looking at this group of WRs Tee Higgins and DK Metcalf are a strong start! Jerry Jeudy may pay off his 5th round cost with the amount of targets he should get. Really like the Rome Odunzae upside pick in the 6th and great value in the 8th with Khalil Shakir. Kyler Murray and Jordan Love are two of my favorite late round QBs going into this year.

Italian Stallions

Coming off a successful season Dom is back putting together another impressive draft. Was able to land Jonathan Taylor in the second round. A talented workhorse RB really makes this build work. At WR Ceedee, Marvin Harrison, Jamison Williams, DeVonte Smith and Travis Hunter. Any game any one of these guys could pop off for 20+ and no one would be surprised. Waited on QB but went early enough to complete the Dak - Ceedee stack. Just another way this team can bury you! Lacking in RB depth and having Kyle Pitts as your TE are mild concerns.

Big Nasty Express

The last spot was just claimed by BNE post Brock Purdy trade. I now have BNE edging out Los Zapatista for the final playoff spot. Was this spot part of the trade? Though these spots are extremely coveted I can assure you I would have at least gotten a better deal if that were the case. During draft day grades I voiced concern over Tyreek Hill. I don’t think he will return to 2023 form but should be better than last year. I am on board with this group of talented young WRs Tetairoa McMillian, Xavier Worthy, Matthew Golden and Rashid Shaheed! Arguments can be made for both Bijan and Trey McBride to finish #1 at their respective positions. I even like the shots he took on Dalton Kincaid (post hype sleeper) and Caleb Williams. With Brock Purdy stabilizing this team at the QB position

Good luck to everyone this season. Honestly didn’t think there was a draft that looked terrible and it is anyone’s year. You guys are all savvy GMs and I love the competition and banter between everyone.