HTPB 24.4

                                                  

         The season is already 1/4 gone and we only have two teams remaining with goose eggs in the standings.  Plus the gaggle of group think goobers, seem to have bunched up in the standings, with Wolves at the high end, Goons in the middle, and AOE in the bottom tier.  

                              Hardcore Cabinet 166.08 defeats StabmyBalzrepeatedly 126.10

(Comic book guy opens a cabinet labeled Hardcore, that emits a powerful blinding light as if the power of the heavens as been unleashed.)

SBMR got off to a rough start with Warren a late scratch over in Ireland.  It doesn't appear to matter has Hardcore led the league in points behind 10 touchdowns and two 30 points scorers.  This is SMBR second hard luck loss of the season, which looks great in the power rankings, but not in the standings.  Hardcore Cabinet remains undefeated and has been in the top half of scores each week so far this season, having swept the entire Johnson clan already this season. 

    

                                           Bay-Bay's 114.53 defeat Italian Stallions 105.33

(A football coach Sylvester Stallone is a dunce cap looks on sadly as Daniel Jones throws a football badly.)

The Stallions benched Dak Prescott and his 34 points in exchange for Daniel Jones' 10 points.  This move cost him causing the Stallions to still be searching for their first win of the season.  While Bay-Bay's were able to overcome the loss of Malik Nabors to a likely torn ACL to go 3-1, in what has been the best start of the franchise's history.  BB's lack of a bench looms large without Nabors and the bye weeks beginning.  

Ogre's Death Squad 91.55 defeats Blue Gatorade 76.08

(A bald college kid runs away with a golden toilet, while saying "Not getting away from me this time" in the style of a Sunday newspaper comic)

The return of Chris Godwin and his 4 points was not enough to let BG break 76 points. After deserving but avoiding the Toilet Bowl Trophy last season, Blue Gatorade is trying to right that wrong with an even worse team this year.   Ogre Death Squad will take advantage with the lucky win. The three headed monster of Geno, Sam Darnold, and Justin Fields continues to be predictably awful.  ODS' schedule gets much harder the rest of the way, can he make the playoffs for the first time since 2020? 

Rush 'n Missiles 129.97 defeat Los Zapatistas 126.52

(an anthropomorphic wolf with a water bottle full of brown liquid and whistle around his neck, saying "Get the F back" will standing victoriously over a anthropomorphic wolf wearing a sombrero)

Los Zapatistas were let down by Justin Herbert in an otherwise solid team performance to narrowly lose to the top heavy performance of Allen, Puka, and Judkins who scored 65% of RM total points. RM emerges from a brutal opening to the season schedule that had 4 of the top 6 in the standings, (he's one of the other 2) and finished 3-1.  RM takes the early lead in the Alpha wolf standings.  

The Collegians 134.02 defeat Tinker Stinkers 131.05

(a college graduate in cap and gown playing original Nintendo and on the tv the video game boss being defeated is a dwarf.)

The Collegians got all of the players' bad weeks over the first game of the year as they have been steadily increasing their point totals each week.  Bo Nix gave the Collegians a Bo-ner with a big night Monday and Lions defense feasted on our god awful offense.  The Stinkers have been racking up points in the early season, but Lamar's hamstring injury could be cause for some concern as the schedule will get much tougher down the line.  Tinker Stinkers first 5 opponents have somehow only managed to combine for 5 wins on the season.  

Big Nasty Express 102.79 defeats Eh Bid Dude 102.45

(A man wins a race by the length of his red beard against a tree wearing a Jason Vorhees style mask.)

For the second week in a row, BNE needed Monday Night Magic and this time he got it, narrowly edging out EBD.  Caleb Williams came back to Earth and Tyreke Hill got his knee turned inside out, but it was enough for BNE to squeak out the victory.  EBD has two victories having not broken 104 points in week.  But his next four weeks are against the bottom four teams in the standings.  Maybe EBD can continue to get wins against the soft underbelly of HTPB. Maybe the slow start is because of the zero trades so far.

Dollars 117.17 defeats Bricklayers 104.22

(an evil dictator smacks a small evil dictator with a tiny head with a wad of cash)

Chase Brown and Brian Thomas continue to struggle mightily for Bricklayers.  Dollars used three giant body blows from Wentz, Pickens, and Hampton as he gets the first win of the year behind his revamped team as he tries to rebuild his team post Burrow injury. This matchup between active leaders in wins and win percentage was rough as it so far has been a down trodden year for both.  While the team in second place in both categories has been perfect and gaining ground.

The cream of the crop.

1. Tinker Stinkers 46-6  

In a class by himself this year, in school that was because of his special needs but now it's because of his special team. 

Really good teams

2. Hardcore Cabinet 36-16

3. Los Zapatistas 35-17
4. The Collegians 34-18

5. Rush'n  Missiles 33-19

Basic Ass Bitches

6. SMBR 27-25

7. BB 25-27

8. ODS 24-28

9. BNE 24-28

10. $$ 22-30

Diaper Pails

11. EBD 16-36

12. BL 16-36

13. BG 15-37

14. IS 11-41

Power Rankings tie breakers is total points. So far SMBR has been the unluckiest and EBD has been the luckiest. 

Our high draft picks that could give us issues

Gibbs, Evan Engram, Denver's D, McConkey, Harrison Jr, DJ Moore, Drake London, Chase Brown, Jeanty, Burrow, Tyreke (what did Nick know and when did he know it), Kelce, 

one person I think misunderstood the question and SMBR sent a middle finger.

For the fourth week in a row 5 was the highest number of correct picks and for the fourth week in a row, EBD was at least tied for the best record.  He was joined this week by BL, HC, TC, ODS, and BNE.  Bringing up the rear were LZ and $$. Overall EBD is obviously in 1st and the IS are in 14th.  Full results can be found here. 

Game of the Week 

(This week is mostly haves vs have nots)

#1 Hardcore Cabinet vs #8 Big Nasty Express

#6 ODS vs #7 TC 

#5 BB vs #11 $$
#12 BL vs #3 RM

#14 IS vs #2 TS

#4 LZ vs #10 SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#9 Eh Bid Dude vs #13 Blue Gatorade

Bye weeks begin so it's things are about to get weird. Enjoy week 5!

HTPB 23.10

                                                       

Week 10 in HTPB is here so everybody pack it in. EBD has won the championship.  Also trade him players that you have that aren't good for players that he has that are amazing.  If you don't take this trade, immediately his opinion on both players changes.  Try to keep up, bozos.

Also all of HTPB thanks Jesse for his service, while all of HTPB except Sergio thanks Dan for his service.  We didn't thank you enough to let you guys win this week, but still thanks.

                                                          Los Zapatistas defeat Blue Gatorade

All a man gets on his birthday is a pack of wolves wearing sombreros.  

Los Zapatistas found the cure for his season long losing streak, which is the cure for anyone's losing streak, a matchup with Blue Gatorade.  BG was able to beat his projection to come in with a robust score of 90, but all he got on his birthday was a spanking.  The league was thrilled to watch the all time QB matchup.  We witnessed Drake Maye (12) "outduel" Danny Dimes (10).  The two teams head into the stretch run with very different goals, but it is important to have goals even if they are just trying to avoid the Toilet Trophy.  

Eh Big Dude defeats Bricklayers

EBD's week 10 has finally arrived.  Jalen Hurts continues to score from the land and air and CMC returned to lineup for the first time all season to massacre Bricklayers. Now that week 10 is over, hopefully we can stop hearing about it.   Just like we had to hear how stupid we all are for not trading for Kelce, but that doesn't mean EBD was stupid for trying to trade him.  Got it? Good. The nightmare season for Bricklayers continues as they still only have a single victory.  Bricklayers may have been caught looking ahead to a week 11 Titanic Toilet matchup with Blue Gatorade.  A game that will likely decide who takes home the coveted golden bowl.  

The Collegians defeat Rush 'N Missiles

Jamar Chase eats a bowl of Rush 'n Missiles O's

This game was over before it started as The Collegians received an astounding 90 points from Burrow and Chase on Thursday night.  Baker put up his first stinker of the year, only netting the Missiles 10 points.  The Collegians were able to waltz to an easy victory despite the three headed TE monster barely cracking double digits combined.  The Collegians now sit at a surprising 7-3 record to sit at the big boys table.  Do we have a big 5 now?   RM hopes to desperately cling the final playoff spot.  

Stabmybalzrepeatedly defeats Ogre's Death Squad

Shrek chokes on a pile of Magic the Gathering cards

The Death Squad had a chance to jump into playoff contention with every team around him in the standings losing, but instead, true to form, ODS Big E'd the opportunity away.  Brock told ODS that he had a purdy mouth and led SMBR with 25 points in CMC return.  While Jayden Daniels only have ODS 7 points.  Both teams still have the longest of long shots at the playoffs but will likely need to win out to do so.    

Big Nasty Express defeats Bay-Bay's

A train barrels down the tracks about to run over a Canadian Mountie

In a game that was played for pride, Big Nasty Express bested Bay-bay's thanks to Justin Herbert returning to form of past years and the Eagles getting to play a high school offense in the Cowboys.  The result leaves both teams not mathematically but logistically eliminated from the post season or as Dan calls it, the only thing he has ever known.  This is nothing to BNE however, as he has now gone over 20 years of wandering the desert without winning the championship.  That's half a Moses!    

Tinker Stinkers defeats Dollars

Kyler Murray sits on a bench while an Air Force Veteran is buried under Arby's curly fries.

Dollars say that an expansion pack for Call of Duty was released so he benched his tiny quarterback for a huge conspiracy theorist.  The move did not go well. The move cost Dollars the win in what was supposed to be the easiest game remaining on his schedule.  Dollars could be a verge of an epic collapse that was built on the power of the schedule maker.  Don't look now, but Tinker Stinkers have won 3 games in a row and sit one spot out of the playoff picture.  All he needs is that seat to get a little higher over the final month, a booster seat if you will.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats the Italian Stallions for the 13th straight year.

A champion wins a race against 13 Stallions

You author assumed that this was the year that the streak was over.  The Loins were having their best season since the streak began.  The Loins had the best two players in the matchup on Monday night.  So much so that I in fact created this video memorializing the streak.  But Tua and Achane repeatedly stalled out and those lead to long field goals for Sanders and that recipe was enough for the Monday Night Magic.  The victory allows Hardcore Cabinet to REMAIN IN FIRST PLACE NOT JUST THIS WEEK, COMMISH! It is Hardcore Cabinet's 6 win in a row which is the longest of the season in HTPB. On the bright side for Italian Stallions, they are primed for their first playoff run in years and can lose to Hardcore Cabinet in the Super Bowl to extend the streak, but get two more bites at the apple next year.  

In pick em this week, Blue Gatorade finally won something going 6-1.  However their one loss that kept them from the first perfect week this season, was picking his own shit squad to win.  Pride is one of the seven deadly sins, young man.  Italian Stallions takes up the rear with an awful 2-5 record.  Overall HC remains a top both sets of standings, while EBD moves into last place one win behind ODS and LZ.

1. LZ 108-22

He remains atop the power rankings alone but the gap has closed a tiny bit.

2. EBD 97-33

3. HC 92-38

4. IS 86-44

The big four still lords over the rest of the league.

5. TC 68-62

Earlier I asked if there is now a big 5.  No there is not.  

6. BB 64-66

7. $$ 64-66

8. RM 60-67

The middle of the pack.  Mediocre teams but some will make the playoffs and anything can happen.

9. TS 56-74

10. BNE 55-75

11. ODS 54-76

Not very good but still alive for the playoffs because of the mediocre level above.

12. SMBR 43-87

13. BL 42-88

These teams are 2024 awful.

14. BG 22-108

This team is all time awful.  May Be Fat bad.

First round bye 

LZ 48% HC 43% EBD 3% IS 2% TC 2%

Make the playoffs

LZ and HC 100%

EBD, TC, IS 99%

$$ 82%

RM 57%

TS 31%

ODS 13%

BB 8%

BNE 4%

SMBR 1%

Toilet Bowl 

BG 57%

BL 42%

BB 0.19%

Game of the Week

#1 Hardcore Cabinet vs #9 Ogre's Death Squad

12 BB vs 5 TC

10 BNE vs 4 EBD

6 $$ vs 7 RM

3 IS vs 8 TS

2 LZ vs 11 SMBR

The Toilet Bowl game of the Millennium

#13 Blue Gatorade vs #14 Bricklayers

This game will determine the winner of the toiletries.  Will it end up in a college apartment to be sullied with bong smoke and fecal matter? Or will it end up getting tarnished in a garage by an asshole? 

At this time next week, we should have a pretty clear view of the post season.  Can your squad make a move?