HTPB 23.12

                                                      

The league is packed tightly for the final playoff spots but not at the top or the bottom.  

                                                      Eh Big Dude defeats Hardcore Cabinet

An anthropomorphic tree and a man clutching a trophy ride a roller coaster together.

It was a wild roller coaster of a game with two first round picks leaving with injuries, an offer to bench players for a $50 bet (should have taken that shit), a fourth TD Monday night game, and a partridge in a pear tree. The tight end position which has been a wasteland this season was not in this matchup as 57 points were scored by the position, which would have been enough to beat three teams this season. (BNE, BG, and BL).  Yahoo says that neither of these teams have clinched the playoffs but for them not to, they would have to not set lineups and multiple teams score 180 points from the 7-6 bundle.  So they are in.  

I had Nick make this for me after Roy's Njoku hate.  It doesn't hit as dickishly with the loss but I had to be prepared and still wanted to share it's ridiculousness.  

Rush 'N Missiles defeat Big Nasty Express

A get back coach with a giant wad of tobacco in his mouth ejects a red bearded man from a basketball game.

Rush 'n Missiles was able to sneak ahead by a tenth of a point to get the victory and for the 22nd straight year, eliminate BNE from winning a Super Bowl for a team that he drafted.  The Broncos took a delay of game penalty trying to get the Browns to jump offside before Lutz kicked it through the uprights.  Those extra 0.5 points on the kick were the difference.  The Will Dissly goose egg looms as large for BNE as what Dissly gave two weeks ago, he taketh this week.  RM is currently in the 7th and final playoff spot but only holds a 7 point lead over ODS so RM can still win next week and miss the playoffs. 

Los Zapatistas defeat Bricklayers

The most unlucky man in the world gets run down by a pack of wolves in sombreros.  

The Shoes got the win but things have not been well overall for Los Zapatitstas as they haven't gotten a victory against someone who isn't BG and BL since Oct 21st.  Can they beat a team with a pulse in a important seeding matchup with Dollars? It doesn't really matter because LZ has clinched a playoff berth despite what Yahoo says.   Bricklayers continues to lose and continues to not understand the concept of bad luck in fantasy football.  The lack of good luck does not mean bad luck.  There can be the lack of presence of any luck at all.  Bricklayers complained of getting many defensive touchdowns score on them, but if you take away a touchdown of any kind from every team on his schedule, he would have one additional win. The guy gets his QB to throw a TD pass to himself which would definitely be considered lucky.  So if you gave him both a bonus extra QB TD to himself instead of another human being each week on top of removing a TD from his opponent, Bricklayers would be 4-9 and one of those wins would be by less than a point.  If you put a a bag of cash floating 12 feet above your head and you can't jump up to grab it, it doesn't make you unluckier if you float the bag of cash 20 feet above your head.  You still ain't grabbing that shit.  

Tinker Stinkers defeat the Collegians

A short chef cooks a college graduate in a smoker.

Tinker Stinkers slipped a late night Chubb to the The Collegians and they didn't like it.  The Collegians kept trying to slip a white flag to Tinker Stinkers who repeatedly refused it.   Tinker Stinkers may be peaking at the right time as they scored their high water mark for the season, normally Jason can't touch outside the kiddie pool.  It may be too little too late as TS will need to defeat RM by 80 points to even have a chance to make the playoffs.  Even if that occurs he would have to outscore ODS by 75 in an ODS loss and get a SMBR loss and not get outscored by 35.  So in other words: unlikely.  In fact skynet gives it a 0% likelihood.  The Collegians can't be too confident in their playoff spot as they are in with a win over BNE but with a loss and and wins by RM and ODS, he can miss out if both score more than 60 points than him.  

Italian Stallions defeat Dollars

A Stallion eats from a feed bag filled with Dollars.

The season of dreams continues for the Loins as they have clinched the first round by in the playoffs.  The 151 points scored by IS this week is somehow only their 4th highest total of the season.  The next 2 weeks the Loins will just be trying to stay healthy as they will not play a meaningful game for the next fortnight.  Dollars however will be fighting for his life next week as he can clinch a playoff spot with a win, but with a loss can miss the post season with wins by ODS and RM and they outscore him in the upper 40's.  Not a likely combination but more likely than the 0% skynet gives it.  

Stabmybalzrepeatedly defeats Blue Gatorade

A Magic the Gathering player continues his streak while ending that of a Blue Gatorade.

Blue Gatorade remembered he was awful and scored a whopping 77 points this week to allow SMBR to continue their league high 4 game winning streak.  Only Drake Maye broke double digits and if Drake Maye doubles your next highest score, that is not a recipe for success.    Blue Gatorade's season really ended with the Bricklayers win two weeks ago as they have been playing out the string with nothing on the line now.  SMBR can still make the playoffs in the following scenario: He must defeat EBD and ODS and RM must lose.  There is no other way.  Skynet says this has a 2% chance of happening.

Ogre's Death Squad defeats Bay-Bay's 

Shrek stands victorious over a bloody member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police

Bay-Bay's rode a 30 point effort right into his usual position, losing.  Kyle Pitts was the pits with a zero point game.   While BB is eliminated from playoff contention (losing 8 of 9 will do that).  Ogre's Death Squad is trying to sneak into the playoffs.  Skynet says he has a 51% chance to make that happen. He lost Mason and Hill for the rest of the fantasy season, can he continue to ride Jayden Daniels a get a promotion to playoff team.  This is a promotion that Dom has already earned and he did it without brown nosing.  That's what Dom and Jerry Harris said at least.  

1. EBD 124-45

2. LZ 123-46

3. IS 120-49

4. HC 118-51

We have a new number 1 by the slimmest of margins.  This four continue to be the cream of the crop in HTPB this season but how what has happened when the cream met each other?

HC is 3-1 (loss to EBD)

IS is 2-2 (both wins vs EBD)

EBD 2-2 (see above)

LZ 1-2 (beat IS)

All of the matchups were high scoring bomb fests.  The champ comes from this group.

5. $$ 89-80

6. TC 86-83

While the big 4 suck up all of the oxygen in the room, this group has been solid.

7. RM 82-87

8. ODS 77-92

9.TS 76-93

Below .500 but alive for the playoffs, nobody will be screwed out of the playoffs as no team with a winning record in the power rankings will be left home from the playoffs.

10. BB 72-97

11. BNE 71-98

12. SMBR 62-107

These are bad teams but schedule luck has given SMBR a hail mary chance at making the playoffs.

13. BL 46-123

14. BG 37-132

These teams are not unlucky just terrible.  

Games with both teams playoff lives on the line

#7 Rush 'n Missiles vs #10 Tinker Stinkers

Seeding vs  playoff lives

#3 Los Zapatistas vs #6 Dollars

#4 Eh Big Dude vs #9 SMBR

Playoff lives vs nothing

#11 Big Nasty Express vs #5 The Collegians

#8 Ogre's Death Squad vs #14 Bricklayers

Seeding vs nothing

#2 Hardcore Cabinet vs #13 Blue Gatorade 

Not fucking reason at all, just for shits and giggles

#1 Italian Stallions vs #12 Bay-Bay's

What will happen?  Who will join the Big 4 in the playoffs, when will IS drop the toilet trophy off at BL?  

 

HTPB 22.12

 

The Shoes got one step closer to getting a first round bye and ended Ogre's Death Squad's season which should have dead long ago.  CJ Stroud continues to lead the revamped Zapatistas.  LZ owns the league's longest winning streak at 4 (tied with HC) and would need to lose out or lose one with terrible point totals to miss out on that first round bye. It seems like the next truly meaningful game LZ will play is going to be in week 16.  Will he still be in synch after such a long layoff?  ODS goes back to the drawing board yet again.

Bay-Bay's and The Collegians in a week loaded with teams getting fat on points, decided to watch their weight.  The Collegians have managed to win their 7 game having scored less than 100 in 4 of them.  Tua gave Bay-Bay's the blackest of Fridays managing only 8 points while Tyreke brought in 20.  The Collegians were "led" with 19 points from Goff.  But regardless of how ugly it has been The Collegians likely only need to win one more game against IS or RM to clinch a playoff berth.  

Big Nasty Express ended Tinker Stinkers playoff streak.  The last member of the league to start their career with a really long playoff streak quit immediately after the one year that they missed hopefully history repeats itself
The BNE despite the overwhelming victory is not completly out of the woods as far as the toiletries and neither are Tinker Stinkers.  Both still have an outside chance to head home with a trophy this season like the winners that they are. 

Lee Corso has a message for both Bricklayers playoff bid and The Italian Stallions quest for yet another Toilet Trophy season.
Jalen Hurts and CMC combined for 69 points. Nice.  IS managed to put up 118 despite a double goose egg.  Bricklayers needs to find another victory or against Dollars and Tinker Stinkers to keep his season alive.  The Stallions will battle two teams that have not been scoring as of later BB and TC and likely needs both to avoid their record setting last place finish.  

Stabmyballzrepeatedly stabbed Blue Gatorade to the tune of a league high 151 points.  Blue Gatorade put up a Rudyesque 135 points in the loss.  The results currently have both teams in the top 7 but both still need to do more work to make it to the promised land.  Dak has been playing a ridicuoous level, as SMBR has been raking in the points as of late.  Especially helpful when he starts a full active lineup and ignores Big' E's super jealousy.  Kevin seen here taking the call   Blue Gatorade had 4 players break 20 but it wasn't enough as he takes the hard luck loss.  

He did it ladies and gentlemen.  Rush 'n Missiles has hit 100 two weeks in a row.  Josh Allen led RM to a victory over Dollars in one of his stinker weeks.  That is the first time he has scored 100 two weeks in a row all season.  Some might say he did that earlier this season, but I say nay, RM hit 100, four weeks in a row, which is quite clearly not twice, ya big dummies. Joe 100'aire himself, Cory went through for the following data

Through 12 weeks the number of times a team scored 100

LZ 9

BG 7

HC 7

BL 7

$$ 6

RM 7

TC 5

ODS 6

EBD 8

SMBR 8

BB 7

TS 4

BNE 6

IS 4

Times opponent scored 100

LZ 6

BG 5

HC 5

BL 8

$$ 5

RM 6

TC 5

ODS 7

EBD 9

SMBR 7

BB 6

TS 7

BNE 6

IS 10

So looking at that everybody is pretty bunched up. What jumps out to me is that Italian Stallions is the low man in scoring and high man in getting scored against.  Also The Collegians somehow causes his matchup to suck most weeks. 

For the fourth week in a row, Hardcore Cabinet pulls a win out of his ass on Monday night when he should have lost. HC was led by the returning Kyren Willaims' 35 points.  Eh Bid Dude was once again unlucky going up against Hardcore on a week that Armani Cooper Kupp scored a combined 5 points.  So unlucky to play HC on a week when his defense outscores HC by 18.  Rudy finds his back against the wall for a playoff spot needing to most likely win out against SMBR and TS.  Hardcore appears to be playoff bound as all projections seem to show 7 wins as the cut off line.  I haven't looked at all of the schedule possibilities for the rest of the year, it's 7 am.  You'll see later, skynet says HC is in.

#1 Seed is LZ's to lose with a 95% chance.  The only one who could catch them is 5% from Hardcore Cabinet.  

Playoff Odds has LZ and HC in.

The rest: RM 95, BG 92, BL 85, TC 70, SMBR 69, $$ 38, EBD 33, ODS 14, TS 2

Toilet odds

IS 80, BNE 5, TS 10, BB 5

1. LZ 97-59

2. BL 95-61

3. EBD 92-64

4. RM 90-66

5. SMBR 85-71

6. BG 84-72

7. BNE 77-78-1

8. BB 75-81

9. $$ 72-84

10 HC 72-84

11. TC 64-91-1

12. TS 64-92

13. ODS 64-92

14. IS 60-96

Hardcore Cabinet is a whopping 9 spots ahead of where he should be, EBD is 7 lower than he should be.

SMBR goes 7-0 to win the week.  Which is crazy considering he made his picks before week 1.  EBD is last this week with a record of 2-5.  The Collegians hold the overall lead, while Dollars is last overall.  Pick week 13 here. 

Game of the Week

(Rematch week, winner of week 1 in CAPS)

2 Hardcore Cabinet vs 4 BLUE GATORADE

 ODS vs rm

BB vs bne

bl vs TS
dollars vs LZ

EBD vs smbr

is vs TC

The season is hitting the home stretch, only two weeks left.  You is going to enter the chaos of the playoffs and who will get to have more time on their hands to use productively in some way, I'm sure.

HTPB 20.12

 

Last week I asked what you were thankful for.  I am thankful to the whole two of you that responded. The rest of you it makes me sad that you have no reasons to be thankful and should really look at themselves in the mirror or maybe seek a counselor because it is definitely not because you only read your game and close the blog.  That can't be it.  

ODS was thankful that someone else will be hired to make the schedule next year and for the most fun league for 21 years.

RM was thankful Big E's bad luck this season and Roy trading for his injured players. 

Jeremy's Brother laid a mighty blow to Hardcore Cabinet's playoff chances as he pulled out yet another low scoring schedule aided win.  No one on JB managed to break the 16 point barrier but several Hardcore Cabinet players were still on a tryptophan induced nap.  In honor of your victory, Jason, I will let you enjoy this little nugget:  For many years I have done a large exhale to reset my brain and refocus.  This large exhale rumbles my large lips, and now every time I do it I can't help but feel it makes me look and sound like a horse thanks to your burns.  I'm sure that brings you great joy.  Enjoy it.  You deserve it, little guy. Hardcore coach's made several game day choices that led fans to believe his brain was in a fog.....

"Smug?! Who said I was smug?  Because I am not smug.  I define smug and I am not it.  I am not smug, nor does it bother me when you call me smug.  Got it! Thanks.

Dollars defeated Stabmyballzrepeatedly in a high scoring affair between the likely 3rd and 4th seeds come playoff time.  Josh Jacobs' 44 points almost single handedly defeated Dollars well rounded team.  Dollars unleashed a good week as soon as he sent Russell Wilson to the unemployment line and prepares to hand the team over to DeShaun Watson who hasn't played a real game in front of a full stadium of fans since the 2019 season.  Plus he has to worry about him getting another against her will rub and tug.....

   Smug? I'm not smug. I'm just sitting over here not being bothered by being called smug.  Nothing to see here.  But quit saying it.  Not that I care... Cause I don't.

Los Zapatistas did much better in his matchup than he did naming his team this week.  Factual inaccuracies were abound and eventually he just committed Wolficide, thrusting Rush'n Missiles firmly into the drivers seat for the toilet trophy.  The Miami Defense scored 22 points for the Shoes to rally past RM.  Can I say that RM is a shell of his former self when he has always been shitty?  A shell of his usual shit self?  Doesn't roll off the tongue but it is accurate because RM since joining the league has been a slug....

 

Wait a second?  Did somebody ask for the definition of smug because I decide that.  I don't care what you guys think but I need to say something anyhow.  Just to prove I don't care.  Capeesh.  NOT SMUG.  

Ogre's Death Squad was able to move from the driver's seat for the toilet trophy to a surprisingly crowded back seat. (More on that later)  Italian Stallions' playoff hopes are in their usual place on life support.     It was recent trade acquisition Jalen Hurts and nothing else for the Stallions.  It's a story of two schedules the rest of the way for who will be in contention for the toilet bowl.   ODS gets Bay-Bay's and living on fumes Hardcore Cabinet.  While Italian Stallions has to battle SMBR and $$$.  That kind of schedule makes you want to grab some Leap and chug...

Man I am so glad that I couldn't care less about being smug.  It is not up to me to decide but you know what?  It is. I'm not smug nor do I care.  Have I mentioned that I don't care?  I'm tired of repeating myself.  

Blue Gatorade took Bay Bay's best game of this season and told him where to shove it.  Something involving bimbos and ass kissing.  It's hard to tell because once that first sip of Zima hits your lips things go off the rails.    No Fields no problem.  Bay Bay's shit point total for the season has eliminated him from ending his rookie season in the playoffs.  In fact the toilet bowl is quite the possibility.  It was mercy killing on his terrible season.  It is a good thing Blue Gatorade pulled the plug....

I was just over here not caring that people were saying that I am smug, when I couldn't help but hearing someone say that I was smug.  Now mind you.  I don't care about it, but I would have to be like (insert your own strained metaphor) to not at least make a comment about how not smug I am and you guys would know that if you were on my level.  But you're not so you can't.  So in summation, not smug, doesn't bother me, I'm better.  Thanks. 

Big Nasty Express healed Kyler's hamstring but Eh Bid Dude ripped his playoff chances clean off the bone.  Tom Brady managed to get 22 points while playing really shitty against the Browns and led EBD to the victory that erased that .00001% of missing the playoffs.  EBD is back on his bullshit again asking for his flowers after losing 3 out of 4 games.  He says he should be in a class all his own and LZ should change his name in admiration. Eh Bid Dude hopes that the recent past is not repeatedly as he hasn't won a playoff game since 2016.  I mean calm down on the horn tooting because it's somebody else's thing to be smug...

Yeah that's my corner.  I mean, I'm not smug.  Yeah, that's the ticket.  Plus you can't be smug, EBD because I determine the definition of smug.  It has been granted to me from the gods.  Bestowed on my non-smug normal sized head.  

Finally in other action, The Collegians lost their game.

BL, EBD, $$$, SMBR have all clinched playoffs, there is an infinitesimal chance that SMBR could fall out of the playoffs, but as long as he sets a lineup both weeks, he is good.  

Completely eliminated from the playoffs are ODS, BB, RM.  BNE and IS each have less than 0.68% of the playoffs.  The toilet bowl is likely heading to RM with a 75% probability of finishing DFL with his DSL.  BB's has an 18% chance, ODS 5% and BNE and IS each have less than 1%.  So really if you think about it BNE and IS are basically playing for nothing these next two weeks. 

 Now what everyone actually wants to see, the playoff odds for the 5 squads fighting for 3 spots.  

JB 90% HC 84% LZ 62% TC 36% BG 25%

Congratulations to LZ and JB who won this week with a 6-1 record.  While EBD dude scored zero wins and SMBR/TC both led the league in loses with 5.  HC remains the overall leader but JB gained ground.  Get your picks in for next week here.

						- UNLUCKY
						+ LUCKY
		PWR				EBD
	TIERS	RANK	W	L	+/-
Alone @ the top		BL	123	33	0
Championship Contenders +Max		EBD	102	54	0
		SMBR	100	56	0
		BG	96	60	-4
Playoff  Contenders +E		ODS	82	74	-9
		EBD	102	54	0
		HC	79	77	1
		$$	79	77	2
Hot Garbage		LZ	75	81	-3
		BNE	74	82	0
		EBD	102	54	0
		TS	73	83	4
		IS	70	86	1
Cold Garbage but lucky		TC	56	100	5
		EBD	102	54	0
TRASH TRASH TRASH Can Dan take over Cor Cor		CB	43	113	0
		EBD	102	54	0
		BB	40	116	2
NOTES:
Highest scoring week of year (TOTAL by all Teams)
BB/BG/ODS all set season Highs
HC set season low
Median Score was 107! Highest by 3 points this year

Week 13 Preview

Game of the Week

#1 Bricklayers vs #5 Jeremy's Brother

HC vs TC

(This game looks like a win and in lose and go home game)

BNE vs RM 

EBD vs LZ

$$ vs IS

BG vs SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#13 ODS vs #12 BB

Winner will avoid the toiletries

Good Luck to all next week.