HTPB 24.12

                                                         

        It's down to the nitty gritty now and honestly while very little is official it feels like everything is decided except for one last playoff spot.

BayBay's 109 defeat Hardcore Cabinet 98

(A mountie removes trophies from a cabinet in order to store his bag of Burger King)

BayBay's have accomplished a non losing season for the first time in franchise history.  The Ravens defense score 10 points in the final two minutes of the game, and Jalen Hurts big first half were enough to get the victory.  Hardcore Cabinet was a good Alshon Jeanty game last Monday night away from being two games clean of the number seed and no the it's all falling apart.  They appear to have lost Higgins and Mayfield for awhile and have to find a way to defeat ODS or now Burrowful Dollars to make the playoffs. 

Ogre's Death Squad 163 defeat Eh Big Dude 158

Shreak and Jason Vorhees battle like monsters in a Godzilla movie with Shrek winning

Not much you can do when Gibbs grabs 62 points, but EBD sure tried.  EBD got the third highest point total of the season and it won't be enough to pick up the victory.  The loss currently sets EBD in the 8th slot in the standings.  A huge matchup against his kin with a playoff spot at stake is on the line, that is if EBD has time to fit in it.  While ODS has a shot at the bye should Los Zapatistas take a siesta in the final weeks.  

Dollars 133 defeats Rush'n Missiles 99.93

Vladimir Putin is drowning in a sea of money while a male nurse in dollar sign scrubs withholds a life preserver.

Rush'n Missiles stupidly played Josh Allen like a dumb worthless idiot, and it cost the victory against Dollars.  RM also lost Kamara to a knee injury for a few weeks and LaPorta for the season.  Luckily he has the best medicine for a rough roster, Blue Gatorade on the schedule next.  With Dollars playoff hopes but a faint flicker, he should be Joe Burrow back on Thanksgiving. Dollars would love to give The Collegians a toilet and keep Hardcore out of the playoffs. 

Los Zapatistas 112 defeat Bricklayers 77

A man in a sombrero gives the eulogy at a funeral for a man with giant gelled hair.

Bricklayers has been officially eliminated and still alive for a back to back toilet.  Los Zapatistas got 48 points from the unlikely sources of Trevor Lawrence and Borregales which looks similar to albondigas so we should have all seen this coming.   The Loins and Dudes are all that stand between the shoes and the bye. Bricklayers heads off into that good night, having missed the playoffs for the third season since choking away an unbeaten season in the playoffs.  

StabMyBalzRepeatedly 99 defeat Italian Stallions 80

A man in black hoodie shoves Rocky Balboa's face into a gravy boat Thanksgiving dinner.  

Dom takes back to back brother in law defeats as SMBR leaps back into playoff positioning.  JTT only got 8 points and when he isn't scoring, IS has lot of Home Improvement to do on the squad.  SMBR facing the other brother in law next week to try to determine who the Last Man Standing will be this season.    uhhhh Toy Story, The Santa ClausE, that space movie with Hans from Die Hard.

Tinker Stinker 99 defeats Big Nasty Express 80

A man with dwarfism and holding a hot dog hugs, AJ Brown of the Philadelphia Eagles while a man with a red beard and white t-shirt with a breast pocket throws a tantrum

Christian McCaffery continues to not get hurt and Tinker Stinkers continues to win because of it.  New addition AJ Brown scored 20 points to give the edge.  The Express went with Brock Purdy although Nick was the one being forced to swallow three interceptions.  Had Caleb Williams been started, BNE would be 7-5 and much deeper in the playoff hunt.  Instead he is squealing like a piggy. You see, Max in the early 70's there was a popular movie called Deliverance where some dudes went a rafting trip and wrecked but got captured by backwoods inbred hillbillies with a hankering for buttfucking.  Movies used to tell original stories, god dammit, just the next recycled intellectual property in a cash grab.  You used to take your best girl down to the soda shop and then to old picture house and watch Ned Beatty get ass raped by a toothless inbred, by god.  

The Collegians 97 defeat Blue Gatorade 94

A college graduate beats a college kid with a flag while a golden toilet looms 

What can be said about this matchup between these squads that hasn't already been said about leprosy.  The Collegians were spurned on to victory mainly by the Las Vegas Raiders' offensive line.  This reporter hasn't seen so many ole blocks since Eric Wright in the 10th week of 1999.    Saquon Barkley appears to have left it all on the field last season, but Godwin returned to scored 2 points. The win gives The Collegians a magic number of 1 to avoid toiletries.  

Bay-Bay's is having himself a week as he wins pick 'em and sets a franchise record for wins going 5-2 this week.  EBD and BG did the inverse with 2-5 records.  They are also our first and last place overall in the pick em standings.  

The Favorite

1. LZ 113-43

Really Good teams who can win it

2. TS 107-49

3. RM 99-57

4. ODS 92-64

5. EBD 90-66

6. SMBR 84-72

They can get ya win once

7. HC 72-84

8. TC 71-85

9. IS 70-86

Not good

10. BNE 65-91

11. $$ 64-92

12. BB 60-96

13. BL 60-96

Awful

14. BG 42-114

The computer simulations say LZ/ODS are in.  HC, RM, TS are all 95% and up.  SMBR is 88%.  Where is gets interesting is BB 55%, EBD 53% and BNE 11%.  Everyone else is 0%.

Bye chances 

LZ 86, ODS 10 HC 2 TS 1

Toilet Bowl Winner

BG 79 IS 18 BL 1 TC 1

Game of the Week

#3 Hardcore Cabinet vs #2 Ogre's Death Squad

Honorable Mention because it's a defacto playoff game

#7 EBD vs #8 BB

#9 BNE vs #6 SMBR

#14 BG vs #5 RM

#12 BL vs #4 TS

#13 IS vs #1 LZ

Toilet Game of the Week and the only game without playoff implications!

#10 Dollars vs #11 Collegians

Have a great Thanksgiving HTPB!

Zoom in and enjoy

(draw an ogre, a train, a big dude, a mountie, comic book guy from the simpsons, an Italian stallion, a bottle of blue gatorade, someone on a toilet with a cell phone, a brick, a mexican revolutionary, a bag of money, a russian missile, college graduate, and a cabinet filled with weapons all sitting around a thanksgiving meal)

HTPB 23.14 Regular Season Recap

 

The regular season is over and the playoffs begin or Dan calls it, the forbidden zone.  

Italian Stallions defeat Bay-Bay's

A horse and mountie play a meaningless game

This game had nothing to do with anything, but still held to form as Bay-Bay's lost again.  BB has never made the playoffs or even be .500.  He is a fitting successor to Big Cat's seat at the table but minus the goodwill.  Dan saw Kirk Cousins throw 8 interceptions since his last TD and said, "This is who I am starting over a Super Bowl champion with Puka and Kupp at receiver."  Italian Stallions completed a regular season where he scored at least 100 points in every single week.  Bay-bay's however won a single game this season that weren't over historically shitty BL and BG.

Eh Big Dude defeats Stabmybalzrepeatedly

A man falls asleep at the wheel and runs into a tree.

SMBR had an outside shot at continuing the longest playoff streak in the league but decided to take a hard pass on that.  The holder of the longest playoff streak is now LZ with 4.  We have several playoff streaks going as 5 of the 7 playoff teams also made it last year.  This also snaps SMBR 4 game win streak.  The running back tandem of Sincere McCormick and Johnathan Brooks were able to hold back SMBR.  EBD waiting all season for week 10.  He's 3-2 in that time frame as he looks to end the second longest active playoff win drought in HTPB.  (IS)  

Bricklayers defeat Ogre's Death Squad

Josh Allen beats and shames the commissioner.

Bricklayers avoided the worst season in HTPB history.  While ODS continues the commissioner curse, as ODS has not made the championship game since his undefeated season.  More recent Super Bowl participants than ODS...Deez nuts (4), Big Easy Ballers (2), and Big Cat's Crushers.  Josh Allen set a fantasy record for a QB with 55 points.  Combined with the 36 points from Charbonnet allowed BL to walk away from this game with revenge for the super unlucky schedule that he was given by the commissioner.  He should have been in 13th place not 14th place.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats Blue Gatorade

Hardcore Cabinet snapped a three game losing streak to enter the playoffs as the number 2 seed.  He was able to score in the top half of the league and win despite HC having their top two scoring players on bye.  Blue Gatorade's awful team is finally being put out of it's misery.  The fact that this team won 4 games this season will be studied by scientists and historians for centuries.  The addition of Isaac Guerrendo was boom to HC as the new 49ers running back scored 24 points.  Just like Bricklayers, BG scored the most points they have all season in the final week.  Can Hardcore Cabinet be the first team in HTPB to repeat as champion? HC is tied for the best playoff winning percentage in league history with 66%

The Collegians defeat Big Nasty Express

Big Nasty Express is very bad at fantasy football.  How bad you ask?  His 11 playoff victories in 23 seasons.  That is half a playoff win a year.  In the last twenty years, he has maxxed out in 3rd place (3 times).  This season BNE put up point totals of 36, 71, 67, 80, and 72.  The Big Nasty Express has rode that train straight to the Shit Station.    Can the Collegians continue to ride the Burrow/Chase train to the title.  The Bengals have a remaining schedule of Tenn, Cle, and Denver. 

Rush'n Missiles defeat Tinker Stinkers

A wolf rips his own heart out to give to another wolf so it may live.

Don't look now but RM has gone from being perennially shitty to perennially mediocre as they have made the playoffs 3 out of the last 4 years, but in that time span have won just has many playoff games as toilet trophies (1).  Tinker Stinkers made moves all year to fight from being awful to being okay.  Mahomes never really got it together and it cost Tinker Stinkers as he is now in his longest playoff drought of his career, two years, or as IS has called that over the years: A hot streak. 

Los Zapatistas defeat Dollars

A wolf in a sombrero flees from his bank heist carrying comical money bags.

The Shoes hopes the playoffs are more similar to the beginning of the season when his team was dominant rather than the second half of the year when he was just good.  Don't look know but Dollars has broken 100 6 out of the last 7 weeks as he prepares to lose in his third straight Super Bowl.  The matchup was fairly even with both getting solid contributions all around especially from running backs.  

1. EBD 124-45

2. LZ 123-46

3. IS 120-49

4. HC 118-51

The cream of the crop

5. Dollars 89-80

6. TC 86-83

7. RM 82-87

Frisky

8. ODS 77-92

9. TS 76-93

10. BB 72-97

11. BNE 71-98

Not good

12.  SMBR 62-107

bad

13. BL 46-123

terrible

14. BG 37-132

historically awful

Was it your schedule or was it you?

ODS it was you.  Only against Los Zapatistas schedule would you have a winning record.  

BB- You could have been better but not good. You max out at 7-7 against several schedules.  Only against $$$ would you have been 4-10.

BNE- Right where you should have been, against LZ's schedule you could would have been 8-6.

BG- You suck no matter what.  You would have cratered out at 2-12 with TS and peaked at 5-9 with TC.

BL-  This one is crazy as he was awful vs every schedule but somehow would be 8-6 with IS.

$$$- Is right where we would have been vs most scheduled with a game or two except 10-4 with SMBR and 5-9 with ODS/BL

EBD had a rough schedule although tied with two others they could do no worse than the 9-5 with their own schedule with a max of 11-3 with several schedules.  Playoffs in every scenario.

HC could have been one win worse against a few schedules and peaking at 11-3 with BNE schedule.  Playoffs in every scenario.

IS- would have been crazy unlucky at 7-7 with Bricklayers schedule. Max at 12-2 with EBD.  Which is crazy that IS good weeks lined up with EBD to survive that at 12-2.  Playoffs in 13/14 scenarios.

LZ- 8-6 vs HC schedule, peak at 11-3 vs several.  Playoffs in every scenario.

RM- bottoms out at 5-9 against a few; max out at 10-4 vs LZ.

SMBR- his own schedule was the best at 7-7; bottoms out at 3-11 vs HC.

TC- high point is 10-4 vs IS schedule; 5-9 vs Blue Gatorade

TS- 8-6 with BNE or SMBR 4-10 with BL schedule.

Total Scenarios where you would have made the playoffs

The Perfect Club 100% EBD, HC, LZ

93% IS

57% $$$

50% TC

35% RM

14% TS

7% BL BNE, ODS

0% SMBR, BNE, BB, 

Dollars crushed his playoff predictions getting 5/7 correct:

$$$, EBD, IS, LZ, and TC.  He narrowly missed ODS and than less said about that BL pick the better.

The Playoff Preview

If the goal is winning championships and money, let's look at the history of doing just that in the playoffs.

Hardcore Cabinet:  20 playoff wins, 3 championships, 3 runner's up, 2 third places

The Collegians: 14---2---2---0

Dollars: 13---2----2---1

The Shoes: 12---2----2---1

Eh Big Dude: 8----2---1---0

Italian Stallions: 5---1----1---0

Rush 'n Missiles: 1---0---0---0

The playoffs are here, baby!!