HTPB Player Hater Quiz and Pick em results.

 

Match the owner to his huckleberry

Please take the quiz to match which owner hates what player.  Quiz results in next week's Flog!

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Most lopsided match

Italian Stallions 13 vs BG 1

Hardcore Cabinet 7 vs Bay-Bay's 7

LZ 10 BNE 4

ODS 12 TC 2

RM 8 BL 6

EBD 8- TS 6

$$$ 9 SMBR 5

HTPB 23.3

 

Week 3 let the Commish pop his cork as the remaining undefeated teams tasted their first lost.  The league may be starting to separate but we will wait for next week for full math based tiers.

Eh Big Dude defeats Rush n' Missiles

A giant Jason Voorhees stomps on a pile of missiles.

Eh Big Dude continued putting up big points from his kicker and defense and 6 TD's to demolish Rush 'n Missiles.  Malik Nabors has been on fire to start his rookie campaign while Aaron Jones was the only one on RM who knew the game was being played.  Mark Andrews has scored 9 points all year.  He was taken to prevent a HC stack, and has been a stack of shit.  EBD has played three teams with 2-1 records and they have emerged with a 2-1 record themselves.  

Los Zapatistas defeat Tinker Stinkers

A wolf in a sombrero beats up a tiny weak wolf. 

Tinkers' put up their second stinker in a row.  Anthony Richardson almost got all the way to 4 points just like owner has almost made it to 4 feet tall.  The Shoes were led by Kyren Williams and his 3 touchdowns.  Watson scoring 19 points for complete Blake Blortles experience.  Tinker Stinkers continues to thank the fantasy gods that Bricklayers can't find that first win to keep them out of the cellar.  Tinker Stinkers last two weeks combined score of 129.92 has been bested 5 times this season in one game.

StabmyBalzrepeatedly defeats Big Nasty Express

A red bearded fool in a white t-shirt with a breast pocket is buried in a pile of bloody chairs. 

Hey remember week 1?  BNE sure does.  Good times good times man.    SMBR gets their first win of the year with Amari Cooper leading the way as the only bright spot for the Browns.  These are the actual names of guys that BNE trotted out this week without a single team on bye and only one player injured: Samaje Perine, Tyler Johnson, D'onta Foreman.    BNE is also super glad that Bricklayers exists as to keep them out of the cellar.  Big Nasty Express got a gargantuan week winner type performance out of Josh Allen but since the rest of his team is a porty potty on fire, he still tasted defeat.  

Dollars defeats Ogre's Death Squad

An Air Force pilot throws Shrek from a jet without a parachute.  

The Jets defense led the way for Dollars as they were able to fend off an Ogre's Death Squad team that had 5 players score 6 or less.  Ogre's Death Squad is heading back to gym to try and strengthen the squad.  Dollars has reeled off two straight wins but his opponent has failed to break 90 points in either of his wins but the schedule somehow gets even easier for Dollars as they play the two teams that entered week 3 winless for their next two games. Dollars is currently at 4/7 playoff predictions currently in the top 7.  

The Collegians beat Hardcore Cabinet

A Bengal Tiger in a cap and gown defeats a great champion.

It had been 295 days since Hardcore Cabinet had tasted defeat but the stack of Burrow and Chase and double doubler TD's allowed Collegians to squeak by.  Despite Hardcore Cabinet having a way more impressive D than The Collegians.  HC D brought a huge veiny 26 points while The Collegians D was more like a button on a fur coat with 5 points.  Hardcore only had Lamar Jackson to go with that D while The Collegians position players brought a bit more to the table to pick up the victory.  

Bay Bay's defeat Blue Gatorade

A mountie arrests a bald kid for being awful.

Bay-Bay's brought a bazooka to the knife fight as he lead the league in scoring to defeat a squad that has not even broken 100 points yet.  BB's got 30 points from the Packers and a combined 59 from his running backs.  Blue Gatorade said, best I can do is some Dak Prescott garbage time points and a Jahmyr Gibbs touchdown.  At 2-1 Bay-Bay's is close to having his best season ever as he has never topped 6 wins.  

Italian Stallion defeat Bricklayers

An Italian guy steals a tray of donuts to add to his spaghetti.  

While the league has lost all unbeatens, Bricklayers bravely remained the only winless team in the league.  Help is on the way as his leading scorer Zach Charbonnet will return to his backup role soon.  No more sweating out close losses, just taking decisive L's.  Could this be the season that it finally comes together for Italian Stallions?  Can he emerge from the longest playoff win drought in the league?   Or will the world return to order and Italian Stallions will be launched back down the standings like Dom launches golf cart passengers?  

This week Dollars went an impressive 6-1, with his only loss being picking against himself.  Tinker Stinkers, Blue Gatorade and SMBR bring up the rear at 3-4. Season long can be seen here.  Will someone comment below that the link works, I have never tried to combine it.

Power Rankings

(Remember Limited Data causes flawed findings)

It's too early to make any mathematical luck calculations.  But I can say IS, EBD, and LZ have been really good.  A lot of teams have been pretty bad, but only TS has been as bad as the top has been good.

The Game of the Week

#4 Bay-Bay's vs #6 Hardcore Cabinet

ODS vs TC

BNE vs LZ

BG vs IS

$$ vs SMBR

EBD vs TS

Toilet Bowl Game of Week

Loser gets shamed on the morning announcements

#14 Bricklayers vs #7 Rush n' Missiles.

RuthlessCEE Aggresive: Heat and Velocity reviews (September 27/28, 2003)

 

Our announcers are once again Josh Matthews and Tazz.  I have not missed Ernest Miller at all behind the desk. 

Match #1 

Nunzio vs Billy Kidman

They trade takedowns to start.  Kidman gets a few deep arm drags and follows it up with a hurricanrana.  Nunzio lows bridges the top rope and Kidman spills to the outside.  Nunzio rams Kidman into the barricade and the ring apron.  Once back in the ring, Nunzio applies an arm stretch.  Kidman tries to go up and over but Nunzio pulls him off by the legs and Kidman eats canvas.  The leader of the FBI hooks in a chin lock.  Kidman heads butt out of it but misses a corner splash but catches Nunzio with a desperation drop kick.  Both men are down as the official offers a count.  Kidman hits a few clotheslines and a back body drop.  Kidman his an inverted Go to Sleep neck breaker for lack of a better term.  Nunzio takes back control with a reverse elbow and a flying top rope clothesline for a two count.  Kidman comes back with a reverse BK bomb for his own two count.  Nunzio nails a DDT for two as the men are just trading bombs, not a fan of it.  Kidman hits an enziguri out of nowhere, drags Nunzio into the corner, and hits the Shooting Star Press for the win in 5:55.  I got what they were going for here of a big back and forth battle but it didn't flow well. (**1/2)

Match #2 

Sean O'Haire vs Crowbar

O'Haire hits a few shoulder blocks to start.  Josh tells us that Crowbar is former tag champion, cruiserweight, and Hardcore champion in WCW.  Crowbar has added some pounds so I don't think he is qualifying for the cruiserweight title.  Josh brings up that Tazz has had a match against Crowbar and then the two banter in funny argument around the fact that Tazz hasn't faced Crowbar but he did face Devon Storm.  

Crowbar brings O'haire down with a drop toe hold.  O'Haire gets back up and takes Crowbar down with headlock and then locks in a body scissors.  Crowbar escapes and locks in another headlock.  O'Haire lands some chest slaps, Crowbar ducks the clothesline and hits a drop kick, but the former champion gets cut off quickly for a clothesline that Crowbar jump sells and O'Haire was not ready for so it seemed like a misapplied side slam.  O'Haire stomps away and then chokes Crowbar on the middle rope which transitions into an armbar.  O'Haire lands some knees in the corner before returning to an arm bar.  O'Haire beils Crowbar across the ring and then stands over his fallen combatint to taunt but eats a boot to the mush in exchange for his hubris.  He recovers to lock on yet another arm bar.  Eventually O'haire picks up Crowbar and hits an inverted death valley driver to pick up the victory in 5:48.  (3/4*)

Match #3

Ultimo Dragon and Funaki vs Joey Matthews and Jason Porcaro

Joey Matthews and Funaki start off.  Funaki grabs a headlock, two arm drags, and a drop kick.  Funaki tags in Ultimo Dragon and the hit a double team back elbow.  Dragon lays in some knees but Porcaro manages to escape and make the tag.  Matthews and Dragon trade chops until Dragon brings him down with a leg sweep and then a rapid succession of kicks.  Funaki is back in and lands some elbows until Matthews tags back in Porcaro.  Porcaro catches Funaki with a leg sweep, knee to the face into a head and arm stretch.  Funaki tries a back slide but gets cut down with a big clothesline after the kickout.  Matthew is back in and locks in a headlock.  He misses a corner splash and Funaki capitalizes with a bulldog.  Both men crawl to the corner to tag.  Dragon with a quick dropkick, spinning heel kick, crossbody combo. Matthews comes back in illegally and gets a slam and some kicks. Then Dragon plants Porcaro with a springboard moonsault and a german suplex for the pin which is broken up by Matthews.  Funaki tosses him outside and hits him with a plancha.  Dragon nails Porcaro with a float over reverse DDT to win in 6:03.  (**1/4)

Match #4 

Rhyno vs Orlando Jordan

Rhyno lands some heavy strikes and transitions into a headlock and then a shoulder block.  Jordan dodges a second shoulder block and dumps Rhyno outside.  Jordan hits Rhyno with a baseball slide and follows in up with a top rope cross body.  Rhyno takes back the advantage with a spine buster.  Rhyno picks up Jordan in a powerbomb position and then throws him backwards face first into the top turnbuckle in a fun spot.  Rhyno then hits a huge clothesline and then locks in a chin lock.  OJ works out and gets a backslide for 2.  Rhyno immediately flattens Jordan with a belly to belly suplex.  Rhyno goes for the gore but Jordan side steps him and the man beast crashes into the turnbuckles.  Orlando with a quick flurry of two flying forearms, a dropkick, the Johnson shuffle punches, spinning powerslam for a 2 count.  Rhyno hits a crushing clothesline and then turns OJ inside out on the Gore to get the victory with in 5:11 (**3/4)

Coach and Al Snow are still our Heat commentary team despite the duo taking over Raw.

Match #1 

Val Venis vs Steven Richards with Victoria

They trade some chain take downs, leap frogs.  Val gets an armbar and then works over the elbow.  Victoria grabs Val's leg which allows Steven to hit a side slam.  Richards then lands a neck breaker and chokes Val on the middle rope. Steven's elbow gives out on a suplex attempt.  Val uses the moment to hit a stiff kick.  They trade big strikes until Val takes over with repeated knees to the stomach and Russian leg sweep.  Richards hits a thumb to the eye but Val is still able to land a big spine buster. Val hooks in a key lock on Richards' damaged elbow.  Richards manages to crawl to the ropes and get his foot on to force the break.  Val charges at Richards in the corner, but Richards gets the boot up and tries a pin with his feet on the ropes, but the ref catches him.  Richards holds Val as Victoria climbs to the top rope, but Val breaks free and pushes Stevie elbow first into the turnbuckle, knocking Victoria off.  Val lifts Stevie high into the air for a half nelson slam for the win in 6:03. (***).

After the match, Stevie jumps Val from behind while Val was trying to find a lady to give his towel too.  Richards and Victoria team up to choke Val withe the towel.  Victoria slaps Val and then Richards drops him with a towel assisted neck breaker.  

Match #2

Rodney Mack vs Jason Porcaro

Mack overpowers our local competitor of the start.  Lots of hard strikes.  Pocaro tries a top rope move but eats a big clothesline and some giant elbow drops.  Spine buster by Mack ends it in 1:19 which included Mack taking off his ring jacket post bell.  Gentleman's squash *.

Match #3

Rico vs Austin Kincaid

Rico starts off with a lot of crowd preening.  Austin Kincaid gets a headlock but Rico pinches his butt to be released.  Rico hits a shoulder block and then jumps into Kincaid's arms and plants a kiss on his cheek like Bugs Bunny.  Rico then goes behind Austin Fudd er Kincaid and thrusts happily.  Rico hits some unique but devastating kicks.  Austin Kincaid gets wrapped up in the ropes and Rico chokes him and then gives him one beat of the bowery. Rico lands a double ax handle from the top rope, then a hip toss neck breaker in a great combination.  He misses a moonsault and Kincaid goes on attack for the first time with reverse and regular atomic drops and a running elbow.  Kincaid gets caught mid air by a Rico dropkick.  Spinning round house kick to give Rico the victory in 6:51. (** 3/4)  I enjoyed this way more than I should have. If you believe that Rico was underutilized, this is defense exhibit A.

Match #4

Crowbar vs Scott Steiner

Crowbar attacks before the bell, misses, gets repeatedly chopped.  Steiner then unleashes in quick order, belly to belly suplex, clothesline over the top rope, throw in the ring steps, suplex on the ramp, pushups to the face, clothesline, flexing elbow drop, more taunting pushups, Novocain for the win in 1:39. (*)  On commentary Coach mentions that Crowbar was a former WCW star that we haven't seen for awhile.  Apparently Coach does not watch Velocity because Crowbar was on last night. While commentary says that Steiner is taking out all of his anger on Crowbar because he is controlled by Test now, neither Test or Stacy Keibler are on in screen in any way.  

Coach vs JR is hyped for Raw tomorrow night.  

HTPB 23.2

 

Welcome Flaggots! Week 2 saw the league return to form as 71% of the league is .500.  In a crazy stat, the top three owners in the standings have all had sexual relations with a Johnson sibling.  Hey Kevin, cherish your butt, I do.

A male nurse dumps out Blue Gatorade

Blue Gatorade tried to get his second win in a row with shit for points to go with his shit for brains, but Dollars said No No.  Kyler realized that Marvin Harrison Jr is on the team and very good at football and gave Dollars 32 points which is significantly more than the negative 0.40 that Keon Coleman and Cade Otton combined for.  Dollars have lost Cooper Kupp for awhile with an injury and Blue Gatorade lost his pride.  

A man with a tiny head holds a sign that says I stand corrected.

The Collegians leapt out of last place and into all the way into XXX place.  The squad was lead mainly by the Bills defense who scored 32 points.  Bricklayers coaching staff seems to be at odds with the front office.  The front office spent a good portion of the salary cap to bring in Alexander Mattison this week after being very disappointing the previous year. The coaching staff refused to play him, hell even the Raiders gave him only 1 carry.  The early selection of Mahomes continues to be a point of concern for Bricklayers, as Mahomes comes in at the 11th highest scoring QB through two weeks.  Bricklayers finishes the week in next to last place.  

A man with three trophies attends the funeral of Christian McCaffery.

The Big Nasty Express derailed all over itself after he was rescued with touchdowns all over the place last week.  But as BNE can tell you, that regression to the mean is a mother fucker.  Christian McCaffery was put on IR but even if they put his ass on a rocket in the field, it would not have been enough to overcome the all time shit show the rest of the squad accomplished.  I mean CMC being injured doesn't effect having Greg Dortch in your week 2 lineup.  Josh Allen led the way with 10 points.  10! Hardcore could have started just JK Dobbins and Lamar Jackson and won the game.  It is the lowest score in league history in the highest scoring era in league history.  That's like having the least home runs during the steroid fueled 90s.  Hardcore Cabinet didn't get far himself as JK Dobbins was the only position player to exceed projections but it was plenty enough to smash BNE and start the season unbeaten.

Shrek stomps on an Arby's bag full of roast beef.

Tinker Stinkers failed to break 60.  It was so awful for TS this week that, Justin Jefferson's 97 yard touchdown catch was more points than anyone else on his roster scored the entire week. Might be time to get that monkey suit on and return to Mexico. Ogre's Death Squad was lead by Jordan Mason becoming the starter in place of CMC and was recharged from a weekend in the mountains with Milt.  Unfortunately for ODS, his nut sack wasn't the only thing stretched beyond repair as St. Brown and Pacheco stretched some ligaments.  There you go Bigs, that's how to write something up, you son of a bitch.  Stay off my lawn.  Do I lurk in little league stands?  Do I sneak my cherry tomato toe into pictures? So as Cory would say.  "Get the fuck back."

A wolf in a sombrero attacks a horse colored like the Italian Flag

The Shoes bounced back in a big way with a win over the Italian Stallions in the highest scoring matchup of the week.  James Cook went touchdown crazy on Thursday night and got 44 points out of his kicker and defense.  New rules!  Italian Stallions still managed to have the third highest scoring week despite Tua Tangcanonlyeayjello getting yet another unsettling concussion.  It is crazy that a lot of our understanding of concussions is thanks to 11 time World Champion Edge.  Google Chris Nowinski if you don't know who he is or click here.

A man destroys another man's comic store and then marries his sister in the wreckage.

Rush 'n Missles took the lead in the Mike Johnson Cup with his victory over SMBR.  Alvin Kamara brought back his 2020 HTPB Super Bowl energy and dropped 4 touchdowns and that was enough to get the win despite the rest of RM's Sunday position players putting up a robust 5 points a man.  Breece Hall was the lone bright spot for SMBR.  Who dodged the CMC bullet but that hasn't been enough for him to avoid an 0-2 start and Kevin should be mentally checking out of the season shortly. Rush n' Missiles is 2-0 for the first time in his 9 year history in the league.       

Jason Vorhees establishes dominance over the family girly magazine shack.  

Eh Bid Dude put up a ton of points yet again and this time pulled out a victory.  EBD used the stack of Dimes and Nabers to narrowly miss out of the high score of the week.  Stay tuned for a stat correction? Kyler Murray got on his tippie toes and peeked over the offensive line to see that Marvin Harrison Jr existed and it paid off.  BB's had a high score but it was deceptive with 35 points or 30% of his total score came from kicker and defense.  Bay-Bay's will try to refocus on what's important.

Week 2 Pick'em Results

The Loins and the Missiles went 4-3 to lead the way, while BB and SMBR brought the rear with 2-5 records.  Season long totals? Available here.

Game of the Week

#1 Rush'n Missiles vs #4 Eh Big Dude

ODS vs Dollars

BB vs BG

BL vs IS

HC vs TC

LZ vs TS

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week 

(and after week 2, it might be of the season)

#10 Big Nasty Express vs #14 Stabmybalzrepeatedly

We will see you next week in Floggotville with the debut of the power rankings!

HTPB 23.1

 

Welcome one and all to a beginning of new season of the league and the 4th season of the weekly write-up. It's time to make sweeping conclusions based on a limited data set!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bay Bay's defeats Bricklayers

Adam Cole holds a shrunken head to signify his victory

This game combined to score under 30 points less than the league high scorer Italian Stallions.   Why mentioned the league high scorers Italian Stallions in a game that he isn't even in?  Two reasons.  1.  There is very little to discuss in this matchup.  2.  Dom has a limited frustration level with reading and you got to get him early and we might have even lost him at this point.  Probably should have made it the first reason.  Bricklayers had 50% of his points from three guys before the Sunday games even kicked off. It was all downhill from there.  Bay-Bay's was able to take over with lots of touchdowns but very few yards.  Which is how several Canadian day time hookers have described BB's penis, not a lot of length but finishes quickly.  

Italian Stallions defeat Eh Bid Dude

A horse draped in the Italian Flag leaps over a tree

This game was everything the previous game was not.  Saquon Barkley went full Snake Plisskin and thrived after Escaping New York with 33 points.  Eh Bid Dude was the hard luck loser scoring the third most points in the league.  He may have to put some moves together as the only QB on his roster went down with a knee injury and 50 of his points came from his kicker and defense in rule changes voted in by the mathematically challenged.  

Big Nasty Express defeats Ogre's Death Squad

Shrek gets run over by a train

The Big Nasty Express pulled an Ogre's Death Squad at an elementary school (limited touches but lots of damage).  BNE didn't even need CMC to embarrass ODS. As BNE rained down touchdowns from all angles. BNE wins their first game for the first time with fans in the stands since 2015 defeating Bloodfarts in a year the title was won by Deez Nuts.  When you get 9 points above projections for your rookie QB and still get absolutely boat raced, it could be a really long year for ODS.  

Blue Gatorade defeats The Collegians

A brand of sports drink made from Bengal Tigers

The Collegians put their eggs in the Cincinnati Bengal basket and the handle of the basket quickly snapped.    But the Collegians shouldn't be too worried as I'm sure his 30 year old high scores of Mike Evans and James Conner aren't anywhere near hitting a wall in the year of our lord 2024.  Blue Gatorade got smedium performances from the entire squad except Cade Otton who was the only person not to get in on all the Buccaneer points.  That was plenty to defeat the low scorer in the league.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats Dollars

 

A returning champion is given a pile of Dollars

Hardcore Cabinet invited Dollars over to see the champ's ring ceremony and started kicking his ass again.  But Dollars said what one got damn second, we changed the rules and my kicker is going to score 26.6 points (20 under the old and better system) but other than making your author stay up a little later than he wanted, it was for naught.  Hardcore Cabinet had the third highest score in the league despite only scoring 2 touchdowns and not being buoyed by a kicker or defense so the future may look bright.  Dollars playoff predictions went 1-6 in week 1.  Kiss of Death?

Rush 'n Missiles defeats Los Zapatistas

A man in a sombrero is delivering a baby but the baby is a missile

Sergio welcomed Cruz into the world but not his win of the season.  This Wolf on Wolf tryst is the first one they have had with their pants on.  Tyreke Hill got out of hand cuffs and immediately raced into the end zone, while Caleb Williams should be placed in handcuffs for his 6 point performance.  Much love to the Meneses. But at the other end Fuck you Cory!

Tinker Stinkers defeats Stabmyballzrepeatedly

A dwarf robs a comic book store.

Tinker Stinkers were led by the Dallas defense despite not taking them before anybody else drafted a defense.  The Stinkers did lose Puka to IR.  SMBR didn't get much from anyone on his roster until Monday night, with 32 combined from Deebo and Breeze which sounds like a 80's cop show that lasted one season on CBS featuring detectives at the San Jose Police Department who's different backgrounds helps them solve crimes but leads to some interesting banter.  

Now this is a story all about how HTPB got flipped turned upside down, 

And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I tell you how teams that have been historically shitty did well in week 1.  

Rap kind of falls a part there at the end.  The 7 teams who won this week have a combined 5 championships and 3 of those are the defending champion, 1 is auto drafted, and the other is from 2011.  Will the league continue to be the upside down or will things settle into the usual order of life. 

Week 1 Pick 'em Results

The Collegians and Bricklayers went 6-1.  While $$ and EBD went 1-6.  Your score should have been emailed to you.  Still playing with the new system. 

Week 2 Look Ahead. 

Game of the Week 

#2 Big Nasty Express vs #3 Hardcore Cabinet

TS vs ODS

BB vs EDB

BG vs $$

IS vs LZ

RM vs SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#12 Bricklayers vs #14 The Collegians

See you next week!