We hit the cold open with Bradshaw and Faarooq sitting at a table going through promotional head shots. Faarooq is signing them and he asks Bradshaw what he is doing. Bradshaw is trying to prove that Shaniqua is a man. Bradshaw believes that Shelton Benjamin and Shaniqua are in fact the same person. He says that Shaniqua is just Benjamin in a wig. He has drawn long black hair on Shelton in sharpie.
In a funny exchange Bradshaw defends his theory, "Clark Kent, Batman, Peter Parker and Doc Oct... you never see them in the same place."
Faarooq responds, "She has breasts."
Bradshaw: "So did Dusty Rhodes"
Faarooq says that some people thought Latoya and Michael Jackson were the same person but they aren't and Bradshaw is crazy. The FBI approach and Bradshaw asks them their opinions because they are "Fruit Booties" and the heels remind them that they have match tonight and their focus is in the right place.
(I will give you one guess the only trait Bradshaw sees in common between them)
Match #1
Full Blooded Italians, Chuck Palumbo and Johnny the Bull Stamboli with Nunzio
vs
The APA, Faarooq and Bradshaw
We are greeted by our announcers, Josh Matthews and Ernest "The Cat" Miller. Josh informs us that this week in WWE has been "off the hook" so we know it is 2003. APA chants before our first contact so the old Acolytes are still over. Bull and Faarooq start off. Faarooq hits a top rope shoulder block that Stamboli runs into like a goof. Tag to Palumbo who runs into a drop toe hold. Bradshaw is tagged in and floors Chuck with a shoulder block and a suplex for a quick 2 count. Bradshaw sends Palumbo into the corner for some punches until a big right hand from Chuck allows for a tag to Stamboli. Who runs into a side suplex for his second let me kick my own butt moment of the match. Bradshaw tosses The Bull with the sack of shit fallaway slam.
Faarooq tags back in and starts nailing some mounted punches in the corner. Palumbo distracts the referee so Nunzio and hang Faarooq up on the top rope. The FBI get some quick tags in to waylay Faarooq with punches, kicks, and stomps. Palumbo sets up a chin lock. Trash talk baits in Bradshaw for the phantom tag. The Bull also hooks in a chin lock. Faarooq starts to power out so The Bull heads to the top rope but gets caught for a spinning slam.
Faarooq tags Bradshaw back in who cleans house. The APA hit double team shoulder blocks and a duo neck breaker. The Bashams are out on the stage with Shaniqua holding the sharpied head shot and they look none too pleased. A double team power bomb to Stamboli to give the win to the APA after Faarooq was in the ring forever illegally in 5:45 (*3/4) Shaniqua crumbles up the photo and holds her men back as I assume this story will continue on.
Match #2
Ultimo Dragon vs Shannon Moore
Shannon Moore gets the advantage early with a headlock takeover. Dragon successfully completes some leapfrogs and hits a leg sleep. Ultimo Dragon locks in a surfboard pendulum swing move (see above) that I'm not sure what it is actually called but unlike Josh Matthews, I am 100% sure that it is not a modified camel clutch. Shannon Moore kicks Dragon into the middle rope for the rare wrestler is in the 619 position that somehow happens in every Rey Mysterio match but not in 99% of other matches. I was popped for this rare occurrence. It was like seeing a unicorn. Shannon Moore grinds the knee into the back rest hold on the Dragon. Dragon breaks free and heads to the corner to dive back on Moore with a crossbody. Moores eats an axe kick and then Dragon lands a flurry of Hai kicks. Hai is Japanese for yes. Moore goes for a backslide pin but Dragon flips out to a hurricanranna which Moore in turn rolls through for a roll up pin attempt for 2. Ultimo Dragon tries a top rope jaw breaker but Moore shoves him off. Moore dives off the top for a spinning neck breaker for 2. Moore is clearly frustrated and pounding the mat. Ultimo Dragon takes advantage of the lack of focus to nail the Standing Shiranui (thanks google) for the win in 5:45. (***)
Match #3
Orlando Jordan vs Andy Anderson
We are shown Orlando Jordan back stage being flocked by three young ladies who have managed to get through security and are all about OJ. Josh Matthews reminds you once again that this is 2003 by comparing Jordan's sex appeal to that of Ashton Kutcher. We return to the ring where we have trading arm bars. OJ cartwheels out. Anderson fails on his third leap frog. Jordan hits a few crisp arm drags. Double A does not hit a spine buster to gain control unfortunately and locks in a chin lock. Orlando powers out and catches a few drop kicks and a flying forearm. The entire time Cat has been saying the Andy Anderson is Andy Griffith....incessantly. Luckily Orlando Jordan hits the Black Ice to end the match and Cat's bit just like a not guilty verdict in a Matlock trial in 4:34 (*) Andy Anderson is still out here grinding as he had a match April 6th, 2024 against Bradley Graham to a double count out at Pure Power Wrestling presents PowerSlam XIII in Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada.
Match #4
World's Greatest Tag Team Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin vs Spanky and Funaki
Josh Matthew hypes the WGTT title defense next week against Kidman and Mysterio in St. Louis and warns all of the St. Lunatics as Spanky sprints to the ring, "faster than Michael Vick" in case you are just now turning in but weren't sure if it was 2003 or not.
Shelton Benjamin starts out with Funaki and falls victim to a head scissors. Quick tag to Spanky and the cruisers nail Benjamin with a camel clutch drop kick to the face combo. Haas catches Spanky with an illegal clothesline from the apron to allow the heels to take over. Haas tags in a heaves Spanky over with a belly to belly. He chokes Spanky with the ropes and tags in Benjamin for a chin lock giving us the golden sombrero of chinlocks in the four matches tonight. WGTT hits a double team hangman splash and now it's Haas' turn to lock in a chin lock. Haas stops a hope spot by knocking Funaki off of the apron.
Haas stands on Spanky's hair so Benjamin can come in and lay in some boots. Spanky's kick is caught but he flips out of it and then hits a drop kick. Hot tag to Funaki. Funaki with back drops and an enziguri. Benjamin goes for a powerbomb but Funaki rolls through to reverse for a roll up for 2. Then a reverse DDT for a second near fall in a row. Spanky is back and goes for a dive to the outside on Haas but crashes and burns. Funaki goes for a top rope tornado DDT on Shelton but is caught in mid air by Haas, who holds him steady for a an absolutely dicaptiating super kick by Benjamin for the victory in 6:35. (***1/2)
Josh and the Cat remind us to tune into Smackdown next week to see the tag title match and we head off the air for WWE Confidential.
The next night on Sunday Night Heat we are greeted by Johnathan Coachman and Al Snow.
Match #1
Test vs Tommy Dreamer with a Singapore Cane
Test hits reverse elbow smash but misses an elbow drop to start. Tommy Dreamer takes advantage with a Russian Leg Sweep. Dreamer clotheslines Test over the top and out of the ring and then baseball slides to give Test a kick to the mush. Test comes back in and hits a sidewalk slam on Dreamer and starts doing body building poses. I believe this pose is called the hypodermic needle. Coach and Al Snow are making growling noises discussing several of Justin Timberlake's ex girlfriends. A real who's who of 2003, Britney Spears, Alyssa Milano, Cameron Diaz. Test hits a basic scoop slam and then does some jumping jacks to show how unconcerned he is with the Innovator of Violence.
Tommy Dreamer tries to fire out of a headlock but gets taken back down. Dreamer yanks Test off the top rope to give himself some time to recover. The two future pay per view ECW title challengers trade punches until Tommy hits a swinging neck breaker. Tommy escapes the pump handle slam and hits a pop up powerbomb! Test kicks at 2. Test hits his pump handle slam but Dreamer kicks out! A frustrated Test misses a big boot attempt and crotches himself over the top rope. Dreamer bounces Test on the rope to give him a chance to sing alto. Dreamer hits his DDT but Test kicks out as well! Dreamer does up to the top rope and the announcers and anyone else with eyes can see how awkward dreamer looks up there. Test kicks the ref into the top rope to speed up what gravity was already starting to do which is to knock Tommy off of the top rope and landing him on the turnbuckle. Test goes to get him off but Dreamer fights back with some punches. Dreamer tries again with a top rope attack but eats a big boot and Test gets the pin in 6:35. (** 1/2)
Backstage, Val Venis is on his flip phone making sure the person on the other end is sending a Puerto Rican and Mexican girl to his room after the show. He stops his phone call when Miss Jackie walks by. Val pitches to her that she should make a Val Venis productions video. He wants to take test shots (I assume he means photographs and not steroid shot in the buttocks like Test). He poses her and gives her a banana. He then goes to get two tennis balls to finish the shot but when he turns around Rico is now here with his lady. Val reminds Rico that it is twice he has ruined his work with Jackie. Rico says that good things happen in threes. Val storms off presumable to where the sex trafficker he was speaking to has sent the girls. Rico feeds the banana to Miss Jackie and I assume this scene was sent off to the Emmy committee for their consideration.
Match #2
Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade vs Buddy Wayne and Tony Kozing
Jindrak starts with Wayne. Jindrak grabs Wayne and puts him on the top rope like a child. Wayne does look like a child next to Jindrak as Wayne's head barely clears the top rope. Wayne dives off the top hits drop kick that Jindrak no sells. Cade is tagged in and floors Kozing with a clotheline. Kozing dodges a few blows from Jindrak once he tags back in but gets caught on a cross body. Wayne hits a flying leap off the top onto both of them. Korzigs drops a few elbows and the local competitors quickly tag in and out trading stomps and punches to the prone Jindrak repeatedly. Finally Jindrak can escape and make the tag to Cade. Cade hits a back body drop and bulldog, before the lifting assisted drop kick picks up the win although it is less impressive of feat since the drop kick isn't very high on the tiny local competitors in 4:14. (1/2)
Match #3
Ivory and Maven vs Stevie Richards and Victoria
The men start out with some punches and chops from Richards. Maven blocks a biel throw and retaliates with one of his own. The women enter the ring with out tags, Victoria gets Irish whipped butt first into Stevie's face and then they are both sent into the other corner, this time with Victoria getting squished. Stevie falls to all fours with Victoria falling on top of him in a spot that appears to be intended for comedy but misses. Maven and Ivory pick them up and smack their heads together. Maven celebrates and it costs him as he eats a Stevie kick which sends him flying out of the ring.
Stevie brings Maven back in and hits him with a scoop slam. Victoria nails an amazing slingshot corkscrew leg drop. Stevie returns to nailing some chops in the corner. He puts on his pink bucket hat and yells, "I'll show you!" But misses his charge attempt and crotches himself in the corner. Maven back body drops Victoria. Ivory hits a cross body to both opponents from the top rope. Then Ivory hits a back elbow, drop kick and then a neck breaker. She nails an X-Factor on Victoria but the referee misses the pin attempt trying to get the men out of the ring. Richards hits a Stevie T Impaler with a shocking amount of height, rolls Victoria on top for the cover and the victory in 3:24. (* 3/4)
Coach and Snow ask us to tune in tomorrow to see what Shane, Kevin Nash, and Kane will be doing and that's the broadcast.
