HTPB 24.10

 

Happy Veteran's Day and big thank you to Jesse and Dan.  What a couple of unpatriotic American hating assholes Dom and Jason are.  In other playoff based news, Blue Gatorade, Bricklayers, Collegians, and Italian Stallions have been mathematically eliminated from getting a first round bye but spots 2-7 are still possible.  

Rush'n Missiles 119 defeat Big Nasty Express 101

(A red bearded hill person attempts to set his computer to auto draft but accidently launches a barrage of cold war era missiles.)

The Express lost the game and Kincaid, while leaving a giant 28 performance by the Jets on the bench.  One would have to ask one's self, "Self, if I'm not playing the Jets against the Browns, why pray tell are they on my roster?"  RM won despite a zero from DJ Moore, which you can do with 44 points from the defense/kicker combo from the Pugent Sound.  RM now enters a Charmin soft stretch in his schedule of Loins, $$, BG before wrapping up the year with SMBR.  Not making the playoffs would be an epic collapse.  

Hardcore Cabinet 108 defeats Eh Big Dude 101

A flat bed truck from Hardcore Lumber hauls away cutdown trees with Jason masks

Eh Big Dude has now gone 0-3 since saying that his remaining schedule which hasn't even included the two teams he said were good.  Hardcore Cabinet continues to eke out victories with middling point totals to the point where he has landed in first place. With games against both of the 3 loss teams remaining could the black magic continue to give him a first round bye or will reality finally come calling?

Italian Stallions 143 defeat Dollars 79

Johnathan Taylor runs through a mass of male nurses and when he hits them dollar bills go flying.

Johnathan Taylor continues to just lay waste to the league with his 4th three touchdown game, this time to the tune of 56 points.  If only the rest of the team was better, IS could be a force, but don't look now, IS is only two games back of the final playoff spot.  But do look now at Taylor on a bye next week and a tough stretch of RM, SMBR, and LZ, it seems unlikely. It's becoming a race to the bottom to see which will have a worse season, Dollars or Dollar picks.  Dollars winning percentage is 40% and Dollars playoff picks are at 28%.

Ogre's Death Squad 144 defeat Los Zapatistas 131

Shrek defeats a man in a sombrero in boxing match, the man in the sombrero should have a brown liquid on his shorts and lower back. 

Can you imagine ODS if they have consistent QB play?  The Seahawks got out to such a quick huge lead that they only ran 5 pass plays the final 3 quarters.  ODS didn't need it with 79 points from Achane and Gibbs.  Los Zapatistas continues to put massive point totals, having only score less than 120 once since week 4.  With a huge game for the bye next week, can LZ pick up the win and cruise to a week off in the playoffs?

Blue Gatorade 113 defeats StabmyBalzrepeatedly 105

 A bald college kid celebrates on a bar with a 21st birthday hat, while a man in a hoodie opens up Magic the Gathering packs with a single tear streaming down his face.  

Don't look now but Blue Gatorade is riding a two game winning streak to take him all the way to still last place.  Brissett logs 21 points in junk time and the Miami defense signing shortly before kickoff gave him 21 as well. 21 is the number of the week as BG turned 21 on Monday and proof of life has not been confirmed as of the time of publication.  Penix played like his last letter was "s" in place of Mahomes snapping SMBR win streak.  The point total should win any tie breaks SMBR to make the playoffs but still needs to get some more wins.  

Tinker Stinker 123 defeats Bay-Bay's 73

A tiny man runs with a tray of meat and a stolen Canadian flag while a unit of pathetic Mounties give chase.

Bay-Bay's was more Ew, Canada this week.  Can BB's finally make the playoffs.  Yahoo doesn't think so.  Could another failure season be in the books for the team with the most seasons in league history without a playoff appearance?  Tinker Stinkers snaps a three game slide to get his playoff footing on sturdier ground, but 3/4th of TS remaining games are against teams with playoff hopes.  

Bricklayers 123 defeat Collegians 90

A college graduate sadly must exchange a football trophy for a golden toilet at on Pawn Shop run by a man with giant gelled hair called Mary Ann's Pawn Shop: "We buy your dreams for Boston Creams"

Bricklayers knows what The Collegians are going through with a terrible season right after winning it all for a third time.  Hardcore has made the playoffs every season since getting #3 so it is possible.  Bo Nix has been turning back into a pumpkin and the rest of the Collegians including first round letdown Brown couldn't pick up the slack.  Bricklayers looks to avoid back to back toiletries but his banged up squad facing an absolute gauntlet the next few weeks of ODS, LZ, and TS.  

This week BG went from pathetic to first with a 6-1 record.  It moved him out of last place overall and returned Dollars to the basement.  Dollars likes being down there anyhow so he can play Call of Duty in his night vision goggles with Kyler Murray.  Several teams finished 3-4 this week, and EBD holds off SMBR to maintain his overall lead.  See the full standings here.

The favorites

1. LZ 96-34

2. TS 91-39

A reasonable shot

3. RM 78-52

4. SMBR 74-56

5. ODS 73-57

A punchers chance

6. EBD

7. TC 63-67

8. HC 62-68

9. IS 60-70

Bad

10. $$ 53-77

11. BB 52-78

12. BL 52-78

13. BNE 52-78

Won two in a row and still is epically far behind

14. BG 38-92

(Fun fact BG is leading the league with getting 97% of his roster's maximum points.  So this is the most anyone could have gotten out of this roster.  So great coaching job, if only the GM wasn't so terrible. 

Skynet says LZ is 100% lock.  Other squads with an above 97% playoff likelihood are HC, ODS, TS, RM.

Other playoff odds

SMBR 88

EBD 51

BB 37

BNE 18

TC 3

$$ 3

IS 1

BL/BG infinitesimal

Toilet Odds

BG 47 BL 22 IS 12 TC 11 $$ 5

It's not usually that many teams with a shot at it with a month to go.

Game of the Week

#1 Hardcore Cabinet vs #2 Los Zapatistas

#3 ODS vs #13 BL

#9 BNE vs TC #12

#10 $$ vs #6 SMBR

#7 EBD vs #4 TS

#11 IS vs #5 RM

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#8 Bay-Bay's vs #14 Blue Gatorade

 

HTPB 23.10

                                                       

Week 10 in HTPB is here so everybody pack it in. EBD has won the championship.  Also trade him players that you have that aren't good for players that he has that are amazing.  If you don't take this trade, immediately his opinion on both players changes.  Try to keep up, bozos.

Also all of HTPB thanks Jesse for his service, while all of HTPB except Sergio thanks Dan for his service.  We didn't thank you enough to let you guys win this week, but still thanks.

                                                          Los Zapatistas defeat Blue Gatorade

All a man gets on his birthday is a pack of wolves wearing sombreros.  

Los Zapatistas found the cure for his season long losing streak, which is the cure for anyone's losing streak, a matchup with Blue Gatorade.  BG was able to beat his projection to come in with a robust score of 90, but all he got on his birthday was a spanking.  The league was thrilled to watch the all time QB matchup.  We witnessed Drake Maye (12) "outduel" Danny Dimes (10).  The two teams head into the stretch run with very different goals, but it is important to have goals even if they are just trying to avoid the Toilet Trophy.  

Eh Big Dude defeats Bricklayers

EBD's week 10 has finally arrived.  Jalen Hurts continues to score from the land and air and CMC returned to lineup for the first time all season to massacre Bricklayers. Now that week 10 is over, hopefully we can stop hearing about it.   Just like we had to hear how stupid we all are for not trading for Kelce, but that doesn't mean EBD was stupid for trying to trade him.  Got it? Good. The nightmare season for Bricklayers continues as they still only have a single victory.  Bricklayers may have been caught looking ahead to a week 11 Titanic Toilet matchup with Blue Gatorade.  A game that will likely decide who takes home the coveted golden bowl.  

The Collegians defeat Rush 'N Missiles

Jamar Chase eats a bowl of Rush 'n Missiles O's

This game was over before it started as The Collegians received an astounding 90 points from Burrow and Chase on Thursday night.  Baker put up his first stinker of the year, only netting the Missiles 10 points.  The Collegians were able to waltz to an easy victory despite the three headed TE monster barely cracking double digits combined.  The Collegians now sit at a surprising 7-3 record to sit at the big boys table.  Do we have a big 5 now?   RM hopes to desperately cling the final playoff spot.  

Stabmybalzrepeatedly defeats Ogre's Death Squad

Shrek chokes on a pile of Magic the Gathering cards

The Death Squad had a chance to jump into playoff contention with every team around him in the standings losing, but instead, true to form, ODS Big E'd the opportunity away.  Brock told ODS that he had a purdy mouth and led SMBR with 25 points in CMC return.  While Jayden Daniels only have ODS 7 points.  Both teams still have the longest of long shots at the playoffs but will likely need to win out to do so.    

Big Nasty Express defeats Bay-Bay's

A train barrels down the tracks about to run over a Canadian Mountie

In a game that was played for pride, Big Nasty Express bested Bay-bay's thanks to Justin Herbert returning to form of past years and the Eagles getting to play a high school offense in the Cowboys.  The result leaves both teams not mathematically but logistically eliminated from the post season or as Dan calls it, the only thing he has ever known.  This is nothing to BNE however, as he has now gone over 20 years of wandering the desert without winning the championship.  That's half a Moses!    

Tinker Stinkers defeats Dollars

Kyler Murray sits on a bench while an Air Force Veteran is buried under Arby's curly fries.

Dollars say that an expansion pack for Call of Duty was released so he benched his tiny quarterback for a huge conspiracy theorist.  The move did not go well. The move cost Dollars the win in what was supposed to be the easiest game remaining on his schedule.  Dollars could be a verge of an epic collapse that was built on the power of the schedule maker.  Don't look now, but Tinker Stinkers have won 3 games in a row and sit one spot out of the playoff picture.  All he needs is that seat to get a little higher over the final month, a booster seat if you will.  

Hardcore Cabinet defeats the Italian Stallions for the 13th straight year.

A champion wins a race against 13 Stallions

You author assumed that this was the year that the streak was over.  The Loins were having their best season since the streak began.  The Loins had the best two players in the matchup on Monday night.  So much so that I in fact created this video memorializing the streak.  But Tua and Achane repeatedly stalled out and those lead to long field goals for Sanders and that recipe was enough for the Monday Night Magic.  The victory allows Hardcore Cabinet to REMAIN IN FIRST PLACE NOT JUST THIS WEEK, COMMISH! It is Hardcore Cabinet's 6 win in a row which is the longest of the season in HTPB. On the bright side for Italian Stallions, they are primed for their first playoff run in years and can lose to Hardcore Cabinet in the Super Bowl to extend the streak, but get two more bites at the apple next year.  

In pick em this week, Blue Gatorade finally won something going 6-1.  However their one loss that kept them from the first perfect week this season, was picking his own shit squad to win.  Pride is one of the seven deadly sins, young man.  Italian Stallions takes up the rear with an awful 2-5 record.  Overall HC remains a top both sets of standings, while EBD moves into last place one win behind ODS and LZ.

1. LZ 108-22

He remains atop the power rankings alone but the gap has closed a tiny bit.

2. EBD 97-33

3. HC 92-38

4. IS 86-44

The big four still lords over the rest of the league.

5. TC 68-62

Earlier I asked if there is now a big 5.  No there is not.  

6. BB 64-66

7. $$ 64-66

8. RM 60-67

The middle of the pack.  Mediocre teams but some will make the playoffs and anything can happen.

9. TS 56-74

10. BNE 55-75

11. ODS 54-76

Not very good but still alive for the playoffs because of the mediocre level above.

12. SMBR 43-87

13. BL 42-88

These teams are 2024 awful.

14. BG 22-108

This team is all time awful.  May Be Fat bad.

First round bye 

LZ 48% HC 43% EBD 3% IS 2% TC 2%

Make the playoffs

LZ and HC 100%

EBD, TC, IS 99%

$$ 82%

RM 57%

TS 31%

ODS 13%

BB 8%

BNE 4%

SMBR 1%

Toilet Bowl 

BG 57%

BL 42%

BB 0.19%

Game of the Week

#1 Hardcore Cabinet vs #9 Ogre's Death Squad

12 BB vs 5 TC

10 BNE vs 4 EBD

6 $$ vs 7 RM

3 IS vs 8 TS

2 LZ vs 11 SMBR

The Toilet Bowl game of the Millennium

#13 Blue Gatorade vs #14 Bricklayers

This game will determine the winner of the toiletries.  Will it end up in a college apartment to be sullied with bong smoke and fecal matter? Or will it end up getting tarnished in a garage by an asshole? 

At this time next week, we should have a pretty clear view of the post season.  Can your squad make a move?  

HTPB 21.10

 

This week saw a flurry of trades which honestly I have lost track of who has who. Mahomes has been moved from EBD to IS to BL.  Kupp has been traded and injured.  Tyreke Hill ended up on Bay-Bay's which means the clock is ticking for him to be injured within 10 hours like Kurt Russell in Escape from NY. (now streaming on paramount plus or wait for a Sunday morning on TNT at Dom's house.)  I think somebody got Phillip Rivers because I keep seeing him on the transaction wire.  Pretty sure The Collegians ended up with Reggie Langhorn.  It's been a whirlwind.  

Blue Gatorade turned 18 this week and destroyed his old man.  Justin Fields is going to be a problem going forward.  If Blue Gatorade can keep winning, nobody wants to see this team in the playoffs.  He's put up 40 points in back to back weeks. Jefferson and Taylor did what they have been supposed to do all season and the rout was on.  Hardcore Cabinet may be in some danger as they have now lost 4 starters for the fantasy season.  Blue Gatorade has now beaten Hardcore Cabinet 4 years in a row.  Hardcore has been the definition of replacement level this season.  5-5 record.  5 wins against teams with less points than him and 5 losses against 5 teams with more points than him over the course of the season.  Luckily for Hardcore Cabinet, in the final 4 games Hardcore has more points than 3 of them.  

Stabmyballzrepeatedly has established family dominance just in time for Thanksgiving.  SMBR's hardest decision is which stud QB to play each week while several teams trot out the prayer bum of the week at the position.  SMBR showed RM that despite unloaded Cooper Kupp at the exact right moment, that he is competing to avoid a toiletries and not a playoff contender.  When you get 20 points out of Marcus Mariota and still only score 90 points overall that is a team wide problem.  This is not the season that RM gets their first playoff win, nor in the next decade, most likely.   

                                                         (Two ships passing in the night)

Los Zapatistas continue to slide down the standings.  If you can start the second and third leading rushers on the 3 win Bears, ya got to do it.  The Shoes hasn't broken the 84 point barrier in three weeks.    The Big Nasty Express continues to try to dig themselves out of the hole that the computer had placed him into.  CMC has been a welcome addition.  His defensive dominance as of late has been key to the turn around. BNE D coordinator record is now 4-5-1. Was he spending too much time on the Mustangs' D on not his own D?  There is only so much a man can think about D and BNE thinks about the D all day and dreams about the D all night.  The D comes to him in his dreams, the D comes all over BNE during the wee hours of the night.  It's been the key to his turnaround.  Nick will always turnaround for the D.  

Bricklayers continues to put up massive point totals without fielding a complete lineup and continues to have pristine health. In case you forgot Eric, when a player is injured there will be a little read letter next to their name, so don't be alarmed when you see it.  The win mathematically clinched a playoff berth.  I think Bay-Bay's has squeezed all the luck he could out of his first season in the league in terms of wins and has squeezed all the bad he could out of nagging injuries and bad trades. How tall is the stalk that you got from the magic beans you got for Ekler, Dan?  Is it at least as tall as Jason?  Or is it even taller, like the height of your son?  Maybe Bay-Bay's will have enough wins to avoid the toilet because those point totals are really low.  It would suck to have to pay to have the toilet trophy engraved and shipped to Connecticut.  

Jeremy's brother has managed to score over 100 points in a win just twice this season and somehow has 5 wins.  Two straight weeks he has managed to win without breaking 90.  He keeps dodging bullets, most likely being shot straight over his head.  It is also important that we spend this time eulogizing Ogre's Death Squad that while not mathematically eliminated from the postseason, it logistically eliminated with this loss.  Josh Allen's elbow is weaker than Bricklayers after a vigorous back patting session.  The wheels have fallen off ODS' season as he will fight with a rather large section of the league to avoid toiletries.  

Eh Bid Dude continued to damage himself with trades this week as staying home with his 9 toes has caused EBD to go full Rear Window on his roster and his sanity. EBD has traded away CMC, Patrick Mahomes, Santa Claus, and Mary Tyler Moore.  He did end up with Austin Ekler, Jamaar Chase with a broken hip, Cooper Kupp with a bum ankle, Col. Mustard in the Observatory with a wrench, Reginald Vel Johnson, a prescription for Lithium, and a conditional 14th round pick in 2031.  Italian Stallions enjoyed the victory and repeatedly offering EBD to come over for a meal of whine and cheese. Is the victory too little too late for the Stallions?  Can he win 3 of 4 out of LZ, ODS, SMBR, and $$$? 

After picking up several shit wins this season, Collegians finally got to taste defeat on a good week as the fantasy gods try to even things out.  Dollars used a well rounded attack to gain the victory.  Despite their low point total, it's getting harder and harder to envision Dollars missing the playoffs not with standing the rotting corpse of Allen Robinson getting significant playing time.  Will Dollars have the balls to call on DeShaun Watson out of the gate in the playoffs?  We all know DeShaun doesn't take no for an answer.  The Collegians are still alive for a repeat championship but will need a lot of wins to make that happen.  His remaining schedule is pretty difficult with ODS, BL, HC, and BB the rest of the way. Dollars playoff picks are currently hitting 5/7 with Bricklayers clinching one correct pick.

Skynet says that Bricklayers have locked up the #1 seed and EBD has locked in a playoff spot.  Here are the rest of the playoff odds. 

SMBR 96%

$$ 88%

HC 88%

BG 61%

JB 51%

BNE 46%

IS 26%
LZ 17%

BB 2%

ODS 1%

RM 0.18%

Skynet also believes the following teams are the favorites to win the Toilet Trophy.

RM 52% BB 27% ODS 16% 

						- UNLUCKY
						+ LUCKY
		PWR
	TIERS	RANK	W	L	+/-
Alone @ the top		BL	104	26	0
Coming for that #1 spot		EBD	85	45	0
		SMBR	83	47	0
		BG	82	48	-4
Bad schedule, worse schedule, lucky pos		BNE	72	58	-4
		ODS	68	62	-8
		HC	67	63	2
Feces		TS	63	67	2
		$$	62	68	5
		LZ	58	72	-1
Dom		IS	58	72	0
Dog Doo Doo and lost horseshoe		CB	40	90	-1
		TC	40	90	5
Dan gets his own tier		BB	28	102	2
NOTES:
3rd lowest scoring average overall, 99.6
BG set personal high
No one scored personal low
LZ 59.92 was lowest score of year
Through week 9, BL has highest score 152.8 week 9
BB has the lowest high score @ 103.01 week 8. gross
BL has the highest low score @ 97.35 week 4

Congratulations to BG who went 6-1 to win the week.  TC, ODS, and BB finished last with respectable 3-4 marks.  HC cabinet has broken the tie with JB to take the overall season lead. Pick week 11 here.

The Game of the Week 

#1 Bricklayers vs #2 Eh Bid Dude

HC vs BB

BNE vs SMBR

BG vs JB

$$ vs RM

DOUBLE TOILET BOWL GAMES!!!!!

#14 Ogre's Death Squad vs #7 The Collegians

#10 Italian Stallions vs #11 Los Zapatistas

Good luck to all this week.