RuthlessCEE Aggresive: Heat and Velocity reviews (August 30/31, 2003)

                                                                                     

We get a treat this week as filling in for The Cat tonight on Velocity is Tazz.  He will repeatedly accidentally calls Josh Matthews, Cole.  It felt like genuine slip ups and not a running gag. 

Match #1

Billy Gunn with Torrie Wilson vs Doug Basham with Danny Basham and Shaniqua

Billy Gunn attacks as the Bashams make their way to the ring.  This allows them to double team the Assman legally because the match hasn't started yet.  Jaime Noble and Nidia make their way down to even the odds.  They trade punches and kicks, until Doug hits a springboard elbow, running clothesline, and knee drop.  This gets the crowd to chant for Torrie.  Doug has a chinlock and Tazz says that it is an S & M move.   Tazz then also informs Josh that he agrees with Bradshaw that Shaniqua and Benjamin are the same person.  Billy Gunn hits a back suplex to both me down.  Go behind by Doug who sets up a very sexualized pump handle slam.  Bully Gunn rolls through and kicks Doug in the mush.  He hits One and Only which is cobra clutch slam.  Tazz mocks Josh for losing to Shaniqua on Tough Enough.  Josh says that were on the different seasons.  Tazz, "Oh yeah, it was Nidia who beat you."  

Gunn hits a series of clotheslines and tilt a whirl slam for a 2 count.  Billy hits a splash in the corner and hits the Famousser.  Shaniqua tosses a chair into the ring.  This distracts the ref.  Noble runs over but eats a huge boot from Shaniqua.  Danny sneaks in behind the ref's back and hits Gunn with Shaniqua's whip, and switches places to get the pin in 5:21 ** 3/4.

In the locker room, The World's Greatest Tag Team is trying to get Shelton Benjamin over being called Shaniqua.  Haas says that he knows that Benjamin isn't Shaniqua but he wants to prove it to Shelton, so he gives Shelton a black long haired wig to try on.  Haas says this will work because he is a scholar and Bradshaw is dumb because he went to Albaline Christian.  Haas laughs at him when Benjamin has his back turned but goes back to serious when he isn't hidden.  Haas offers lipstick as well to make sure and while this is being negotiated Bradshaw walks past them in the doorway.  He calls over Faarooq and Bradshaw starts taking pictures.  The champs yell at the APA to leave and Bradshaw cackles and runs off to get the pictures developed.  Faarooq lingers but does not drop at "damn" much to my surprise.  Orlando Jordan walks by and says, "Hi Charlie, Hi Shaniqua."

Match #2

Shannon Moore vs HD Yates

Moore gets out the of the initial hammer lock with a reverse elbow.  Shannon has new tights and new tattoo according to Josh.  Moore hangs Yates on the middle rope and hits a running knee while on the apron.  That'll get Yates seeing in high definition.  Moore strikes with a back handspring escape into a swinging neck breaker.  Yates again is placed on the middle rope this time allowing Matt Hardy to yell "VEEEEE Onaaa" in his face before Moore serves up a knee to the back.  Now Mathew uses a High Definition joke, which I had beaten by one move sequence in write up time but he beat me in real time by 21 years so let's call it a draw.  Yates gets his first offense of the match with a flurry of punches by Yates and powerslam for a 2 count.  Shannon Moore gets back advantage with a corner corkscrew for a two count.  Moore throws a tantrum.  Moore lands a few boots to the face and climbs to the top for a float over neck breaker for the win in 5:12.  *1/2

Match #3

#1 Contender's Match for the Cruiserweight Championship

Billy Kidman vs Tajiri

(Full disclosure: I can't keep up the pace of the match)

The match begins with chain wrestling with each trading control.  Kidman hits a head scissors and an arm drag.  Tajiri hits one of his own and they stare off.  The crowd applauds.  Kidman catches Tajiri with a drop toe hold and then lands several hard elbows to the back of Kidman's neck.  A corkscrew elbow gets a 2 count and Kidman locks in a headlock.  Tajiri breaks free to hit a jumling spinning heel kick for a 2 count.  They trade chops.  Tajiri goes for a hand spring elbow but Kidman catches him with a drop kick which elicits an "ooohh" from the crowd.  Tajiri misses a kick attempt and Kidman tries to roll him up.  He throws Tajiri hard into the corner but the Japanese buzzsaw comes back with a super kick. His Michinoku driver only gets a nearfall.  Tajiri slaps Kidman hard in the chest which leads Tazz to start talking about nipples for awhile.  About Tajiri can slap your nipples clean off your chest and leave your ariolas damaged.  He says your nipples make this sound when Tajiri slaps them, and makes a foghorn sound.  Kidman hits a springboard elbow but Tajiri locks in the tarantula.  Kidman hits a powerbomb and an enziguri.  Kidman tries to drag Tajiri in position for the shooting star press, but Tajiri kicks him in the head. Kidman falls back and cracks heads with the referee.  While the ref is getting his bearings back, Tajiri blows green mist in Kidman's face and rolls him up for the win in 6:38 *** 3/4. Josh tells us to tune in this week on Smackdown to see Tajiri challenge Rey Mysterio for the title.  

Match #4

The World's Greatest Tag Team vs APA

Bradshaw and Charlie Haas start off.  Haas gets a drop toe hold and headlock, Bradshaw works free with a back body drop and then hits a suplex.  Haas tags in Shelton but he eats a couple of shoulder blocks.  Bradshaw tags in Faarooq.  A double team move of a body slam into a shoulder tackle by Faarooq.  Faarooq sends Haas hard into the turn buckle and a powerslam.  Haas hits a drop kick to the knee.  WGTT both attack the knee.  Faarooq eventually gets the tag.  Bradshaw gets a kick to the head and a swinging neck breaker.  Both men tag their partners.  Faarooq hits a power slam and a spinebuster.  The APA hit a double shoulder block to Shelton.  Outside the ring Shelton sends Bradshaw into the post.  Benjamin reenters the ring and kicks Faaroo1 in the mush allowing Haas to roll up Faarooq for the win in 5:59 ** 3/4.

I could not find the entire episode. It's probably being kept hidden because it is probably too hot for TV with newly heel Coach on commentary.  

Match #1 to me

Test with a reluctant Stacy Keibler vs Derrick Neikirk

Test enters the ring like Stacy normally does and when Stacy tries to enter the ring, Test won't allow it.  Test slaps Neikirk but the local competitor fires back with his own slap, a flurry of right hands, and flying foreman.  Test immediately lands several big clotheslines in the corner.  This gives him the chance to show Stacy his buttocks.  She is not pleased.  He makes Stacy get up on the apron to towel his sweaty brow.  When Test turns around he catches a drop kick in his now dry forehead.  Test grabs him and goes for a power bomb that gets reversed into a rollup for 2.  Test is through playing around and decapitates Neikirk with the big boot to win in 2:59. *

Earlier Today

Al Snow is backstage sitting on a production crate looking at a magazine centerfold.  Stevie Richards shows up and shover a microphone in his hand and pretends Al is here to interview him.  Stevie says that here on Must Steve TV, that Stevie Night Heat has combined with Stevie Corp to create the most amazing show.  At this point Ivory comes over to say hello.  Stevie thanks her for work on his show and caresses her shoulder.  Ivory is disgusted and warns Stevie to keep his hands off of her.   Victoria now joins her man and Stevie says that Ivory is trying to get into his pants.  Victoria snaps and calls Ivory a hussy.  "You are the village bicycle and everyone has had a try.  If you want my man you have to have me too."  Stevie lights up and says, "Really?!?!?!"  Victoria drags Stevie off by the hair.  Snow and Ivory exchange confused glances.  Up next it is Ivory and Tommy Dreamer vs Victoria and Stevie Richards.  

Match #2 to me

Tommy Dreamer and Ivory vs Stevie Richards and Victoria

The ladies start things off, Ivory tries to rotate over Victoria for a move but slips.  She quickly sweeps the leg to recover.  Ivory hits a suplex and goes for the cover but only gets a 2.  Victoria lands a few knees to the stomach and tags in Stevie.  He taunts Ivory in the corner but she dodges his clothesline attempt.  She lights Stevie up with a few chops to the chest.  Ivory ducks and rolls through to tag Dreamer in to avoid another Stevie clothesline attempt.  Tommy hits a clothesline on Stevie.  Stevie is quickly up and misses a dropkick and Dreamer comes down with an elbow drop. Ivory comes in and Tommy picks her up and slams her on Stevie for another leg drop.  Dreamer then adds one of his own.  Stevie goes for a crossbody but Tommy catches him.  Victoria comes from behind and chop blocks Tommy.  Victoria hits a spinning leg drop onto Tommy's knee in the corner.  Then stomps it a few times.  She tags Stevie back in.  He mocks Dreamer's taunt.  The heels go for a double suplex but Dreamer reverses and suplexes them both.  Ivory cames in with a dropkick to Richards.  Both heels get placed in the corner and Dreamer squishes them with a splash.  Ivory hits a top rope cross body to Victoria while Dreamer lays out Richards with a spinebuster.  Victoria climbs on Tommy's back but is snap mared off.  Dreamer dodges a Stevie Kick and Ivory lands a bulldog on Stevie.  Dreamer blocks a Victoria punch and then puts her head between her legs for a move but we will never know what the Innovator of Violence had planned as Stevie cleans his clock with a Stevie kick that Dreamer didn't see coming. Victoria covers for the win in 4:15.  (**)

I have not been able to locate Scott Steiner vs a young Mike Knox and Val Venis vs Rico.  If anyone has access to that please let me know.  Thanks

RuthlessCEE Aggresive SummerSlam weekend Heat and Velocity reviews (August 23/24, 2003)

 

Our announcers are Josh Matthews and after a one week hiatus Ernest "The Cat Miller" has returned.

Match #1

Match #1

Shannon Moore vs Billy Kidman

The bout starts with a Shannon Moore snap mare, into a headlock.  Kidman breaks free and they exchange clothesline misses.  Kidman gets in some punches in the corner and attempts to charge Moore but Moore counters with a hip toss that sends Kidman over the top rope.  Kidman crashes hard to the floor.  Shannon heads out and gets a few shots in to Kidman down on the floor.  He rolls him into the ring for a body slam and pin attempt that gets a 2.  Moore transitions into a back stretch to really bring home the high flying cruiserweight action.  Kidman breaks free and hits a lightning quick in succession, dropkick, corkscrew back elbow, and death valley driver for a near fall.  Kidman hits and enziguri for a glancing blow that The Cat calls out for only a 2 count.  Moore bounces back with a springboard crossbody and a second rope neck breaker.  Moore gets frustrated and starts to pound the mat and have a mini tantrum.  Josh suggests that the MFer forgot to take his ritalin this morning.  Moore puts Kidman on the top turnbuckle to set up a move but Kidman counters into a sunset flip powerbomb for the win in 5:56 (***)

Match #2

Sean O'Haire vs Funaki

Funaki tries to toss his Smackdown shirt out of the ring.  It gets caught on the rope and O'Haire heads over and grabs it and blows his nose in it.  O'Haire takes control with a shoulder block and then places Funaki on the apron of the ring by his hair.  He then grabs Funaki and chucks him across the ring before laying him out with a massive clothesline. Sean O'Haire mantains control with knees to the arm and back, hammerlock, shoulder breaker, arm bar, and a corner choke.  Funaki hits a kick to the knee and tries to make a comeback.  O'Haire catches Funaki on a crossbody, but the Japanese superstar wriggles free and hits a reverse DDT.  O'Haire benches Funaki off on the pin attempt.  Funaki tries a tornado DDT but O'Haire catches him and lifts him up and hits his finisher, called the Widowmaker, which is an inverted Death Valley Driver for the win in 4:02. (*1/2)

We head to the back where Shelton Benjamin confronts Bradshaw for weeks of saying that Benjamin and Shaniqua were the same person.  Bradshaw says there are a lot of freaks out there.  Shelton says that, "I'm not a woman and I've had enough."  Direct and to the point.  Haas thinks a long time about whether Benjamin is in fact Shaniqua.  Shelton decides to pull out his penis in order to show that he is in fact a man.  Instead it is decided that they will have match to determine if Benjamin is a man or woman and all genitals are kept hidden away. Haas drinks some beer and Faarooq asks if it is Benjamin's "Time of the month"

Match #3

The Full Blooded Italians Chuck Palumbo and Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli with Nunzio

vs

Eric Young and Bobby Rude

Josh theorizes that Eric Young is Sting's little brother, I guess because of the bleach blonde spiky hair?  Bull and Rude start out the match with Stamboli locking on a headlock and then hitting a shoulder block.  Rude sweeps the leg and tries a crucifix pin.  Quick tag to Young who hits a double axe handle on the way into the ring.  The Bull grabs Young and tosses him into the corner.  The FBI make the tag and Palumbo lays in some punches and kicks.  Young tries a surprise rollup and gets a Samoan drop and a buckle bomb for his troubles.  The FBI gets some quick tags and start in with the following sequence:  Stamboli punches, Chuck kicks, Stamboli kicks, tags in Palumbo who comes in and does literally nothing and tags back to Stamboli.  Bull trips Young and Palumbo hits a big boot.  Young kicks out at two.  Chuck is tagged back in to lock in a chinlock.  Young fights out but gets cut off.  He is held for The Bull to slap him from the apron twice.  A desperation mule kick sets Eric Young free who finally tags in Rude.  Rude hits a pair of dropkicks on the FBI followed up by a Russian leg sweep.  Roode eats a kick from the Bull to the face and then an immediate kick to the back of the head by Palumbo to pick up the win for the Full Blooded Italians in 4:57. (** 1/2)

Match #4

Shelton Benjamin with Charlie Hass vs Bradshaw with Faarooq

Shelton understandably attacks at the bell but Bradshaw fires back with hard punches and a shoulder block.  Benjamin takes back control with a neck breaker.  Benjamin gets caught and Bradshaw delivers the Last Call falling toss for 2.  Benjamin pokes Bradshaw in the eye but gets shoulder tackled out of the ring by the blinded Texan.  Charlie Haas distracts Bradshaw on the outside.  This allows Benjamin to hit a kick, send Bradshaw into the ring post and then into the stairs.  Back in the ring, Shelton gets a Northern Lights Suplex for 2.  Cloverleaf is applied by Shelton while Josh tells us that "Zach Gowen has broken his leg in two places from the attack from Brock Lesnar on Smackdown"  Rare to get specific Smackdown information on Velocity.  Bradshaw pulls himself to the ropes to break the hold.  Bradshaw gets a flash DDT to even things up again.  Once they are both back to their feet, Bradshaw goes on a flurry of a big boot, multiple corner clotheslines, and a back suplex for a near fall.  Bradshaw has Benjamin up for a second Last Call, but Haas trips Bradshaw from the outside and holds Bradshaw's legs for a fun false finish.  Faarooq comes over and blasts Haas.   Shelton baseball slides Faarooq.  Ref is distracted with Benjamin and Faarooq, while Haas sneaks into the ring and hits a clothesline.  Shelton reenters and misses a splash in the corner.  Clothesline from Hell! Bradshaw picks up the win in 6:47. (** 3/4)

It's the pre SummerSlam edition of Sunday Night Heat so we get a treat of Michael Cole and Tazz on commentary.

Matt Hardy declares himself winner by forfeit over Zach Gowen who was destroyed by Brock Lesnar on Smackdown.

The one and only real match

Rey Mysterio defends the Cruiserweight Title vs Shannon Moore

Shannon Moore who lost less than 24 hours before has someone earned a title match.  Moore starts things off with a punch to Rey and then stands there taunting the champion.  Mysterio unloads on him with punches and a head scissors.  Moore hits a hip toss into the corner and side suplex for a two count.  Rey takes back advantege with a roll through drop kick, springboard senton.  Moore hits a corkscrew out of nowhere for a 2 count and starts to throw a tantrum. Tazz says that it reminds him of a current AEW star, Hook who is four years old.  The tantrum allows Rey to head scissors Moore into the middle rope.  Mysterio with a 619 and then badly botches the west coast pop but gets the win anyhow in under 3 minutes.  (*1/2)

We are heading into SummerSlam baby only on Pay Per View!

RuthlessCee Aggressive Velocity 8/16/03 and Heat 8/17/03

 

We are welcomed to Velocity by Josh Matthews and ...... Michael Cole.  Cole is filling in for The Cat who couldn't get a flight to the show because of a power outage along the East Coast.

                                                                                Match #1

                                                                        Nunzio vs Funaki

The cruiserweights naturally start out with a test of strength.  Funaki gives Nunzio a few arm drags.  Nunzio leapfrogs Funaki and then takes a back body drop.  Funaki tries a springboard but is caught in the air by a drop kick.  Nunzio takes over and lays in some punches and kicks.  Nunzio cuts short a hope spot with a short arm clothesline.  They both trade missing moves until Funaki uses a backslide for a two count.  Nunzio hits a backdrop, lowers his knee pad for knee drop, and hits some chops in the corner.  Nunzio misses a top rope drop kick.  Funaki follows up with a enziguri kick to the back of Nunzio's head for a near fall.  Funaki goes for an arm bar but Nunzio reverses it and grabs the tights on a roll up for the win in 4:59 (**1/4).

                                                                                Match #2

                                                                 Sean O'Haire vs Ken Anderson

  It's the future Ken Kennedy being billed as Ken Anderson despite his trunks having the double K logo on them already.  Maybe this whole time it's not a K and a reversed K, but has some other meaning all together.  Maybe it a signal to future alien overlords or and ancient dark order. No time to think about it because O'Haire starts the match by digging deep into his bag of tricks and starts the match with a headlock.  Cole tells us that Anderson has tremendous martial arts background including stick fighting and 6 years in the armed forces.  Anderson uses all of that training to get chucked across the ring and then mounted and choked.  O'Haire hits some knees to the ribs while unleashing deep unsettling grunt sounds. O'Haire goes to the deadly, headlock, kick to the back, headlock, kick to the back, headlock a third time combo.  Anderson gets a foot under the bottom rope to stay alive after a pin attempt.  Anderson hits a drop kick but is quickly cut down with a clothesline.  O'Haire nails a military press into a widowmaker to get the win in 3:54 (*).

                                                                            Match #3

                   Slater Vain and Steve Fender vs Chuck Palumbo and Johnny the Bull Stamboli

As we return from break, Cole and Matthews are hyping St. Anger by Metallica as the theme for SummerSlam.  Josh, "I love Metallica."  Cole, in a screeching yell cry combo, "Metallica Rules!"  It was unsettling.  

Stamboli and Slater begin and the Bull locks in a headlock and tags in Chuck so he can lock in his own headlock.  Vital opening sequence right there. Shoulder block, punch, chucked into the corner.  Tag to Stamboli and FBI unloads some New Day Unicorn stomps in the corner.  Palumbo decapitates Slater Vain with a kick.  Stamboli locks in another headlock.  The referee misses a tag to Fender, and while he complains, the FBI double teams.  Fender escapes and gets a warm tag.  It was awkward as Fender slowly walks to the corner with hands on his knees.  Then he raises his arm high to tag and waits for the crowd pop that never comes.  Vain hits some quick dropkicks, but gets creamed by a Palumbo kick and Stamboli covers for the win in 4:37 (*1/2)

                                                                        Match #4

                                        Matt Hardy with Shannon Moore vs Orlando Jordan

Matt Facts

Matt sleeps on his side.

Matt's fortune cookies always predict success.

Jordan starts the match with an armbar to headlock.  Hardy backs him into the corner and yells V1 and does the hand gesture to Jordan's face.  Jordan just decks him to drop Hardy.  Orlando hits a shoulder block while Cole tells us that he wrestling at Boise State and was trained by Rocky Johnson which means he definitely got money stolen out of his bag.  Hardy gets momentum and throws Jordan out of the ring where Moore gets a few kicks in. Back in the ring a cross body by Hardy into a side effect for a near fall.  Orlando powers out of a headlock and hits a desperation clothesline. Then some boxing punches which Cole says is shades of his trainer Rocky Johnson.  Orlando with a up and over reversal of the Hardy charge and hits a twisting powerslam.  Hardy takes control again and has his Twist of Fate reversed and Jordan hits a crossbody.  An impressive delayed vertical suplex by Orlando.  Then Jordan gets some air off the top rope for a cross body for 2.  It was good near fall as both the crowd and yours truly bit on it.  Moore grabs Orlando's leg as he heads to the top again.  The delay gives Hardy time to roll out of the way.  Immediately transitioning into the twist of fate which Jordan sells with a huge bounce off the mat.  Jordan's athleticism was really put on display here.  Hardy picks up the win in 5:29. (**)

We are now greeted by Johnathan Coachman and Al Snow for the weekly dose of Heat.  

Match #1

Maven vs Steve Fender

I was waiting for a spot to put a Fender bender joke but Al gets one in as soon as the bell rings so I won't plagiarize.  I'm not Carlos Mencia.  Maven hits a hip toss and drop kick which I think Maven is legally required to start all of his matches with a drop kick.  Fender comes back with a neck breaker and then a missed top rope leg drop.  Maven hits a spin kick and then misses his own top rope drop kick.  Fender goes for a boot in the corner but Maven leaps off the turnbuckle for something Coach and Snow calls a "flying reverse DDT"  but it sure looked like a "botched bulldog" to pick up the win in 3:46 (*).

Match #2 Tommy Dreamer vs Stevie Richards

Stevie Richards with "Flower" which is Victoria in a shower cap and pink bathrobe, find "Al Stone" in catering earlier today.  Stevie shoves a mic into Snow hand and says, "So you want an exclusive interview with Stevie Night Heat?"  Tommy Dreamer is at the table with Snow and continues to eat.  Stevie says that the show is Must See Stevie.  Tommy smiles at this referecne with causes Stevie to start in on the innovator of violence.  Stevie rips on him for eating too much and being fat.  He asks him where all of his extreme friends are? Al says, "I'm right here" Richards starts in again, "Hey Tommy, are you going to eat your way to stardom?  He should be like Foley.  He was fat and wrote a book.  Dreamer should try to write a book.  Dreamer dumps his food into Stevie's hat and says, "Have a nice day."

In the ring, Richards jumps Dreamer as he comes through the ropes, but gets caught on a cross body and Dreamer tosses him with a fall away slam.  Dreamer chases Victoria outside of the ring, now sans shower camp and bathrobe.  Coach says this interaction makes him want to say, "Boinga Boinga"  whatever is going on in Coach's head.  Dreamer tosses Richards into the barricade.  Dreamer gets jumped for the second time in a couple of minutes coming through the ropes.  

Stevie gives Tommy a body slam, and then Victoria or Flower, I've lost the point, hits a leg drop on Dreamer.  Stevie mocks Dreamer's arm extended yell before missing an elbow drop.  Tommy hits a sit out powerbomb and then death valley driver to Stevie but Victoria distracts the ref so the count can't be made.  Dreamer grabs Victoria and forces a kiss upon her in a sexual assault attack.  Dreamer turns around to eat a Stevie Kick for the 1-2-3 at 3:17. (**)

Match #3

Special Referee Jacqueline

Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade vs Slater Vain and Ken Anderson

Vain gets a few shoves in and unleashes some maniacal laughs.  Cade starts laying in chops to silence Vain, and tags in Jindrak but Jindrak gets sneak attacked by Ken Anderson.  Jindrak hits one of his sky high drop kicks.  He gets sneak attacked again and then Anderson gets in some choking.  Vain tags back in and gets a rope choke and a back suplex.  The local competitors get even more offense in with a snap mare and a headlock.  Cade breaks free and gets the hot tag to Jindrak.  Jindrak cleans house and hits an impressive spring board reverse clothesline.  Anderson eats the dropkick from Jindrak while Cade lifts him in an always feat of athleticism by Jindrak to pick up the victory in 5:07 (** 1/2)  Jacquline had no role outside of a regular referee.  Seemed just an excuse to get her on television.  

Match #4

Test vs Val Venis

They trade arm bars to start.  Test hits a slam and mocks Val with some jumping jacks.  Val appears behind him and lays him out with a clothesline.  Test powers back and lays some boots into Venis.  The each clothesline each other to get a standing ten count from the referee.  Test pulls the ref in and thumbs Val in the eyes.  Test tries to hit the pump handle slam, but Venis wriggles out and nails a spinning powerbomb.  He heads up top for a money shot attempt, but Test uses his foot to push the ref into the ropes causing Val to fall and straddle the ropes an hurt his Venis.  Test goes up to suplex Val off the top but Val fights him off.  He tries Money Shot #2 but Test gets the knees up.  Test misses the big boot and Val goes hits a Jinder Mahal style Khallas for a near fall.  Val comes off the ropes to continue on the offensive but gets caught with a boot to the mush for the victory in 5:50 (**1/2)

Coach and Al ask us to tune in tomorrow night to RAW to see Test vs Steiner with Stacy on the line and a hair match between Kevin and Nash and Christ Jericho.

For more follow me on X formerly known as Twitter on @ferrellcomedy

    

Week 6 Wordle Matchups

Here is your Week 6 Wordle Club Schedule:

In a double dose of bad news for Nick, he is about to get a mudhole stomped in him and walked dry and it turns out he is a mutant.  Nick fucks around and finds out against me (owner of the least amount of guesses this season) Nick vs your author! Can you believe that I have been paid to write this dumb stuff before! 

One is undefeated and is clearly the best wordle player in multiple generations of her family.  The other services unbathed virgins on Friday nights.  Can Paulie play a level 4 google spell to stay on top of the standings.  Paulie vs Kevin!

The two newest members of Wordle club will do battle this week.  Ang seems to have found her groove like Stella.  While Steve continues to search for his grXXve.  Ang vs Steve!

It's the Reina of Google taking on the King of staying 500 feet away from schools.  Both should have to register and tell people they are near by in my opinion.  Linda vs Big E!

\

They can be found next to each other in the standings straddling the playoff line and next to each other in bed straddling something else.  It's Bart vs Kenny.

RuthlessCee Show Aggressive (WWE Velocity 8/9/03 Heat 8/10/03)

 

We hit the cold open with Bradshaw and Faarooq sitting at a table going through promotional head shots.  Faarooq is signing them and he asks Bradshaw what he is doing.  Bradshaw is trying to prove that Shaniqua is a man.  Bradshaw believes that Shelton Benjamin and Shaniqua are in fact the same person.  He says that Shaniqua is just Benjamin in a wig.  He has drawn long black hair on Shelton in sharpie.  

In a funny exchange Bradshaw defends his theory, "Clark Kent, Batman, Peter Parker and Doc Oct... you never see them in the same place."

Faarooq responds, "She has breasts."

Bradshaw: "So did Dusty Rhodes"

Faarooq says that some people thought Latoya and Michael Jackson were the same person but they aren't and Bradshaw is crazy.  The FBI approach and Bradshaw asks them their opinions because they are "Fruit Booties" and the heels remind them that they have match tonight and their focus is in the right place.

(I will give you one guess the only trait Bradshaw sees in common between them)

Match #1

Full Blooded Italians, Chuck Palumbo and Johnny the Bull Stamboli with Nunzio

vs

The APA, Faarooq and Bradshaw

We are greeted by our announcers, Josh Matthews and Ernest "The Cat" Miller.  Josh informs us that this week in WWE has been "off the hook" so we know it is 2003.  APA chants before our first contact so the old Acolytes are still over.  Bull and Faarooq start off.  Faarooq hits a top rope shoulder block that Stamboli runs into like a goof.  Tag to Palumbo who runs into a drop toe hold.  Bradshaw is tagged in and floors Chuck with a shoulder block and a suplex for a quick 2 count.  Bradshaw sends Palumbo into the corner for some punches until a big right hand from Chuck allows for a tag to Stamboli.  Who runs into a side suplex for his second let me kick my own butt moment of the match.  Bradshaw tosses The Bull with the sack of shit fallaway slam.  

Faarooq tags back in and starts nailing some mounted punches in the corner.  Palumbo distracts the referee so Nunzio and hang Faarooq up on the top rope.  The FBI get some quick tags in to waylay Faarooq with punches, kicks, and stomps.  Palumbo sets up a chin lock.  Trash talk baits in Bradshaw for the phantom tag.  The Bull also hooks in a chin lock.  Faarooq starts to power out so The Bull heads to the top rope but gets caught for a spinning slam.  

Faarooq tags Bradshaw back in who cleans house.  The APA hit double team shoulder blocks and a duo neck breaker.  The Bashams are out on the stage with Shaniqua holding the sharpied head shot and they look none too pleased.  A double team power bomb to Stamboli to give the win to the APA after Faarooq was in the ring forever illegally in 5:45 (*3/4)  Shaniqua crumbles up the photo and holds her men back as I assume this story will continue on.  

Match #2

Ultimo Dragon vs Shannon Moore

Shannon Moore gets the advantage early with a headlock takeover.  Dragon successfully completes some leapfrogs and hits a leg sleep.  Ultimo Dragon locks in a surfboard pendulum swing move (see above) that I'm not sure what it is actually called but unlike Josh Matthews, I am 100% sure that it is not a modified camel clutch.  Shannon Moore kicks Dragon into the middle rope for the rare wrestler is in the 619 position that somehow happens in every Rey Mysterio match but not in 99% of other matches.  I was popped for this rare occurrence.  It was like seeing a unicorn.  Shannon Moore grinds the knee into the back rest hold on the Dragon.  Dragon breaks free and heads to the corner to dive back on Moore with a crossbody.  Moores eats an axe kick and then Dragon lands a flurry of Hai kicks.  Hai is Japanese for yes.  Moore goes for a backslide pin but Dragon flips out to a hurricanranna which Moore in turn rolls through for a roll up pin attempt for 2.  Ultimo Dragon tries a top rope jaw breaker but Moore shoves him off. Moore dives off the top for a spinning neck breaker for 2.  Moore is clearly frustrated and pounding the mat.  Ultimo Dragon takes advantage of the lack of focus to nail the Standing Shiranui (thanks google) for the win in 5:45. (***)

Match #3

Orlando Jordan vs Andy Anderson

We are shown Orlando Jordan back stage being flocked by three young ladies who have managed to get through security and are all about OJ.  Josh Matthews reminds you once again that this is 2003 by comparing Jordan's sex appeal to that of Ashton Kutcher.  We return to the ring where we have trading arm bars.  OJ cartwheels out.  Anderson fails on his third leap frog.  Jordan hits a few crisp arm drags.  Double A does not hit a spine buster to gain control unfortunately and locks in a chin lock.  Orlando powers out and catches a few drop kicks and a flying forearm.  The entire time Cat has been saying the Andy Anderson is Andy Griffith....incessantly.  Luckily Orlando Jordan hits the Black Ice to end the match and Cat's bit just like a not guilty verdict in a Matlock trial in 4:34 (*)  Andy Anderson is still out here grinding as he had a match April 6th, 2024 against Bradley Graham to a double count out at Pure Power Wrestling presents PowerSlam XIII in Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada. 

Match #4

World's Greatest Tag Team Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin vs Spanky and Funaki

Josh Matthew hypes the WGTT title defense next week against Kidman and Mysterio in St. Louis and warns all of the St. Lunatics as Spanky sprints to the ring, "faster than Michael Vick" in case you are just now turning in but weren't sure if it was 2003 or not. 

Shelton Benjamin starts out with Funaki and falls victim to a head scissors.  Quick tag to Spanky and the cruisers nail Benjamin with a camel clutch drop kick to the face combo.  Haas catches Spanky with an illegal clothesline from the apron to allow the heels to take over.  Haas tags in a heaves Spanky over with a belly to belly.  He chokes Spanky with the ropes and tags in Benjamin for a chin lock giving us the golden sombrero of chinlocks in the four matches tonight.  WGTT hits a double team hangman splash and now it's Haas' turn to lock in a chin lock.  Haas stops a hope spot by knocking Funaki off of the apron.  

Haas stands on Spanky's hair so Benjamin can come in and lay in some boots.  Spanky's kick is caught but he flips out of it and then hits a drop kick.  Hot tag to Funaki.  Funaki with back drops and an enziguri.  Benjamin goes for a powerbomb but Funaki rolls through to reverse for a roll up for 2.  Then a reverse DDT for a second near fall in a row.  Spanky is back and goes for a dive to the outside on Haas but crashes and burns.  Funaki goes for a top rope tornado DDT on Shelton but is caught in mid air by Haas, who holds him steady for a an absolutely dicaptiating super kick by Benjamin for the victory in 6:35. (***1/2)

Josh and the Cat remind us to tune into Smackdown next week to see the tag title match and we head off the air for WWE Confidential.

The next night on Sunday Night Heat we are greeted by Johnathan Coachman and Al Snow.  

Match #1

Test vs Tommy Dreamer with a Singapore Cane

Test hits reverse elbow smash but misses an elbow drop to start.  Tommy Dreamer takes advantage with a Russian Leg Sweep.  Dreamer clotheslines Test over the top and out of the ring and then baseball slides to give Test a kick to the mush.  Test comes back in and hits a sidewalk slam on Dreamer and starts doing body building poses.  I believe this pose is called the hypodermic needle.  Coach and Al Snow are making growling noises discussing several of Justin Timberlake's ex girlfriends.  A real who's who of 2003, Britney Spears, Alyssa Milano, Cameron Diaz.  Test hits a basic scoop slam and then does some jumping jacks to show how unconcerned he is with the Innovator of Violence.  

Tommy Dreamer tries to fire out of a headlock but gets taken back down.  Dreamer yanks Test off the top rope to give himself some time to recover.  The two future pay per view ECW title challengers trade punches until Tommy hits a swinging neck breaker.  Tommy escapes the pump handle slam and hits a pop up powerbomb! Test kicks at 2.  Test hits his pump handle slam but Dreamer kicks out!  A frustrated Test misses a big boot attempt and crotches himself over the top rope.  Dreamer bounces Test on the rope to give him a chance to sing alto.  Dreamer hits his DDT but Test kicks out as well!  Dreamer does up to the top rope and the announcers and anyone else with eyes can see how awkward dreamer looks up there.  Test kicks the ref into the top rope to speed up what gravity was already starting to do which is to knock Tommy off of the top rope and landing him on the turnbuckle.  Test goes to get him off but Dreamer fights back with some punches.  Dreamer tries again with a top rope attack but eats a big boot and Test gets the pin in 6:35. (** 1/2)

Backstage, Val Venis is on his flip phone making sure the person on the other end is sending a Puerto Rican and Mexican girl to his room after the show.  He stops his phone call when Miss Jackie walks by.  Val pitches to her that she should make a Val Venis productions video.  He wants to take test shots (I assume he means photographs and not steroid shot in the buttocks like Test).  He poses her and gives her a banana.  He then goes to get two tennis balls to finish the shot but when he turns around Rico is now here with his lady.  Val reminds Rico that it is twice he has ruined his work with Jackie.  Rico says that good things happen in threes.  Val storms off presumable to where the sex trafficker he was speaking to has sent the girls.  Rico feeds the banana to Miss Jackie and I assume this scene was sent off to the Emmy committee for their consideration.  

Match #2

Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade vs Buddy Wayne and Tony Kozing

Jindrak starts with Wayne.  Jindrak grabs Wayne and puts him on the top rope like a child.  Wayne does look like a child next to Jindrak as Wayne's head barely clears the top rope.  Wayne dives off the top hits drop kick that Jindrak no sells.  Cade is tagged in and floors Kozing with a clotheline.  Kozing dodges a few blows from Jindrak once he tags back in but gets caught on a cross body.  Wayne hits a flying leap off the top onto both of them.  Korzigs drops a few elbows and the local competitors quickly tag in and out trading stomps and punches to the prone Jindrak repeatedly.  Finally Jindrak can escape and make the tag to Cade.  Cade hits a back body drop and bulldog, before the lifting assisted drop kick picks up the win although it is less impressive of feat since the drop kick isn't very high on the tiny local competitors in 4:14. (1/2)

Match #3

Ivory and Maven vs Stevie Richards and Victoria

The men start out with some punches and chops from Richards.  Maven blocks a biel throw and retaliates with one of his own.  The women enter the ring with out tags, Victoria gets Irish whipped butt first into Stevie's face and then they are both sent into the other corner, this time with Victoria getting squished.  Stevie falls to all fours with Victoria falling on top of him in a spot that appears to be intended for comedy but misses.  Maven and Ivory pick them up and smack their heads together.  Maven celebrates and it costs him as he eats a Stevie kick which sends him flying out of the ring.  

Stevie brings Maven back in and hits him with a scoop slam.  Victoria nails an amazing slingshot corkscrew leg drop.  Stevie returns to nailing some chops in the corner.  He puts on his pink bucket hat and yells, "I'll show you!"  But misses his charge attempt and crotches himself in the corner.  Maven back body drops Victoria.  Ivory hits a cross body to both opponents from the top rope. Then Ivory hits a back elbow, drop kick and then a neck breaker.  She nails an X-Factor on Victoria but the referee misses the pin attempt trying to get the men out of the ring.  Richards hits a Stevie T Impaler with a shocking amount of height, rolls Victoria on top for the cover and the victory in 3:24. (* 3/4)

Coach and Snow ask us to tune in tomorrow to see what Shane, Kevin Nash, and Kane will be doing and that's the broadcast.

RuthlessCee Show Aggressive (WWE Velocity 8/2/03 Heat 8/3/03)

                                                         

Unfortunately I was unable to find this full show anywhere and if you have access please leave a comment as to where I find it.  I could only find the main event.  

The APA and Funaki vs The Basham Brothers with Shaniqua and Sean O'Haire.

Our announcers, Josh Matthews and Ernest "The Cat" Miller, are unsure who the Bashams partner will be and that their opponents called Shaniqua a man.  O'Haire is the mystery partner because he is freaky as well according to the Cat. 

Bradshaw and Danny Basham start out.  Bradshaw start off with a shoulder block, chops, and forearms.  Danny comes back with a swinging neck breaker but is quickly cut down with a big boot.  Funaki is tagged in for a camel clutch drop kick double team with Bradshaw.  Doug takes over with after Funaki gets distracted trying to get a high five. Eventually Funaki comes back with head scissors but Basham grabs the ropes to avoid a dropkick.  

Doug Basham and Faarooq enter the fray.  Shaniqua distracts Faarooq whom had Doug up for the dominator.  Doug capitalizes with a Russian leg sweep. O'Haire is tagged in and nails Faarooq with several quick knees to the face.  Faarooq gets triple teamed in the corner.  Bashams hit a double suplex, the ref misses the cover because he is being distracted by Bradshaw.  Tag team specialist at work.  Faarooq hits a huge spine buster.  Both men crawl to their corner and Funaki and O'Haire get the tags.  Funaki hits O'Haire with a dropkick and an enziguri.  O'Haire catches Funaki and military presses him until Funaki wiggles free and catches O'Haire with the scorpion death drop.  The benches clear and Bradshaw crushes a Basham with a Clothesline from Hell.  After O'Haire and Funaki are the only guys left in the ring, Funaki hits a bulldog and goes for the cover.  Shaniqua pulls him out off of O"Haire.  Using the distraction, O'Haire picks up Funaki and hits him with a Razor's Edge to pick up the win. 

 (** 3/4)    

Our announcers are once again Johnathan Coachman and Al Snow.

                                                                             Match #1

                                                            Rodney Mack vs Tommy Dreamer

      Rodney Mack heads to the ring without Theodore Long.  Mack grabs the mic and tells us that Long is missing because whitey got ahold of him and he needs medical attention because of it.  Mack will now beat up whities to honor Long.  

   

        They trade Irish whips into the corner. Dreamer hits a hip toss but when he goes to follow up, Mack dumps him out of the ring.  Mack pursues and sends Tommy into the stairs.  Once back into the ring, Mack hits a shoulder breaker and transitions into a arm bar.  Mack locks in a standing cobra clutch.  Tommy runs him into the turnbuckle to break it and uses the opportunity to hit Mack with a DDT.  Mack gets his foot on the rope to avoid a three count.  Tommy heads out and grabs a Kendo stick.  He heads to the top rope but eats a clothesline.  Mack relocks in the cobra clutch but this time in a prone position.  Tommy works towards the ropes but the ref doesn't see despite Tommy working towards the ropes and someone already using the ropes earlier in the match.  Mack wins by submission in 3:36 (*1/4)

                

    

          We are shown footage from the locker room from Monday on Raw, with Stevie Richards icing his midsection after being speared and beaten by Goldberg.  There is a young worker loading strips of shredded paper that is all over the floor.  Victoria runs in with a microphone and gives it to the worker and tells him to interview Stevie.  Stevie says that if fought Goldberg on Stevie Night Heat, that he would have won.  The young employee says that Stevie still would have beaten his ass.  Stevie does a Vince McMahon impersonation and fires the young guy.  Al Snow walks up and finishes the interview.  

Stevie says that on Stevie Night Heat he will battle his most insubordinate opponent, while Victoria throws all the paper in the air while trying to get Stevie's attention because it looks like snow. Stevie puts on a Goldust mask and pretends to be both competitors while Victoria pours the shredded paper on his head.  The shredded paper is not explained.  

                                                                                Match #2

                                                                Maven vs Aaron Stevens

The matchup begins with Maven tripping Stevens a few times and then locks in a headlock.  Stevens leaps over Maven in the corner into a backstabber.  Hard Irish Whip into the corner takes Maven down again.  Stevens holds onto the rope to avoid a Maven dropkick.  Stevens with a suplex and transitions into the Mike Rotunda Hall of Famer abdominal stretch. Maven hip tosses Stevens to get out and then a jawbreaker.  Flying elbow for 2, Maven goes to the top rope, Steven hits the ropes to crotch him.  Stevens goes for a superplex.  Maven throws off Stevens and then hits a crossover DDT for the victory in 3:52. (**)

Match #3

Lance Storm vs Spike Dudley

Lance tells the crowd that he is not boring.  Guess what, Lance is not boring.  Lance complains about the lack of response from Hollywood a few weeks ago.  Spike Dudley's music hits and out comes the runt of the Dudley litter yawning.  The bout starts out with some forearms being exchanged.  Lance gets the edge with a backbreaker and then stomps a Canadian mudhole in Spike or would it be Dudleyville mudhole.  Lance holds Spike vertical for about 30 seconds until dropping him with a suplex.  Spike gets his first sustained offense of the match from a hurricanrana, reverse atomic drop, and the corner stomps that appear as if Spike is running on Lance's chest.  Spike goes for the hurricanrana again but this time, Lance catches and tosses him like a 150 pound sack of laundry.  Spike goes for what appears to be a Russian leg sweep setup, but rolls forward with Lance's legs wrapped and rolls him up for the surprise win in just 2:33. (*1/2)

                                                                            Match #4

                                                    Stevie Richards with Victoria vs Goldust

The bout begin with some closed fists being exchanged until Stevie rakes the eyes.  Stevie starts kicking Goldust but he fires back with a butt bump, bulldog, and clothesline to the outside. He follows the owner of Stevie Night Heat to the outside, where Stevie runs the golden one into the ring apron twice to regain control.  Goldust gets thrown upside down into the turnbuckles.  Stevie copies Goldust's chest rub taunt.  He locks in a headlock and nails a neck breaker for a 2 count.  Goldust comes back with his own neck breaker to put both men down.  Stevie chases Goldust around the ring landing punches while Goldust appears to be "Turreting Up", it's like Hulking up if it made fun of a disability.  Goldust drops down and hits the slap and a reverse atomic drop, ura nage, for a two count.  Goldust starts hitting the 10 count mounted punches in the corner.  Stevie slips free before the 10 and Goldust lands an awkward diving punch which sends Stevie reeling into the opposite corner. Goldust sets up Shattered Dreams, but Victoria enters the ring and charges.  Goldust catches her with a drop toe hold which causes her to fall head first into Stevie's groin.  A staggered Richards wanders into Goldust's grasp and he hits the Curtain Call for the win in 4:46. (*3/4)