HTPB 24.5

 

We lost our last undefeated squad, but Italian Stallions is still keeping it strong with zero wins.  Tinker Stinkers continues to dominate as a pack of wolves a crowded at the stop of standings in a Human Centiwolf scenario.  

Ogre's Death Squad 127.68 defeats The Collegians 108.52

(An anthropomorphic wildcat wearing a hat that says "Big Cat" hugs Shrek wearing a favorite son shirt, while a man in a cap and gown cries while holding a sign that says, "It should have been me.")

AI with the 100% accuracy.

Justin Fields poured in on when it didn't matter and ODS was able to pull above .500.  AJ Brown continues to disappoint for the Collegians but he did get his second highest scoring game of the year with 7.15.  The Collegians hard luck loss knocks them out of the current playoff field and that first week point total hangs around his neck like tie breaker killing scarlet letter.  

Dollars 123.70 defeats Bay-Bay's 99.58

(An injured and bandaged Mountie is left on the side of the road while a man drives off in a Raptor truck filled with dollar bills and Miller Lites.)

Dollars has won two in a row and hopes to keep the ship afloat after starting 0-2 and losing Joe Burrow.  Jamar Chase got lots of garbage time points to feel like Burrow was back.  The world is starting to return to it's natural place as Bay-Bay's takes a second loss and his team starts to fall apart.  His team is still the best HTPB based in Canada, but all of the long road trips are wearing on his team and finding it's way into America each week.  Dollars playoff picks, if the season ended today would have 2 correct, (HC, ODS)

Los Zapatistas 122.54 defeat StabMyBalzRepeatedly 103.75

(A man in a sombrero robs a comic book store while the owner sleeps despite Rico Dowdle trying to wake him up.)

SMBR continues to leave inactive people in their lineup and while in the guillotine league that is enough to eliminate Sergio, it's not here in HTPB as LZ continues to rack up wins, this week led by the Colts defense and their 26 points.  SMBR continues to be confused and flummoxed by Thursday night and European games. Kevin is desperate to find someone to help him run his team as he continues to crack under the pressure.

Eh Bid Dude 120.76 defeats Blue Gatorade 91.38

(Michael Myers drags a bald kid in a Kent State hoodie through the woods)

When the worst team in the league losing two of its very few playable guys to injuries, it's not going to go well.  Things don't look to be going well as byes have not yet hit his team either.  It will be shocking if he doesn't win the toilet trophy this year. He may never figure out how to not be garbage. In EBD's 5 games his opponent has broken 103 points just once.  EBD was led by Ferguson and his 21 points which is all that is needed to beat BG.  

Tinker Stinkers 143.08 defeat Italian Stallions 112.30

(A dwarf tackles a wild stallion while yelling "Into the Smoker with ya.")

Tinker Stinkers continues to rack up the points and Italian Stallions continue to lose.  Tinker Stinkers is tops of the power rankings and flavorful meat rankings.  Italian Stallions just needs to get enough victories to leap over Blue Gatorade to avoid winning yet another Toilet Bowl Trophy.  This year Kasey tried to talk Dom into not wasting $65.  Ring camera caught footage of the conversation before Dom left for the draft. 

Rush'n Missiles 115.48 defeats Bricklayers 94.61

(A golf coach with red blurry eyes wins the Canton South Teacher of the year award while clutching a fist full of parlay tickets.  A loser teacher with a tiny head and a hairstyle with way too much gel in it looks on sadly.)

After several years of struggling RM has finally figured out how fantasy football works.  More points are good. Armed with this recent knowledge RM, has improved greatly over the last few years.  Bricklayers appears to be trapped in a prison of his own creation.  Here is what Bricklayers drafter in order, Brian Thomas Jr, Chase Brown, Treyvon Henderson, Mike Evans, Calvin Ridley.  That's a starting five that rivals the Washington Generals. Maybe the Layers can turn it around to see what they are made of. 

Big Nasty Express 94.97 defeats Hardcore Cabinet 81.13

(A man with a red beard and white T-shirt with a chest pocket raids an old rusty cabinet to add the Cutler Reality Open on Sunday to his tire fire)

The first version of this picture had the man stone faced so I asked it to edit the face to the expression of (glee from an old timey prospector)

In a game that only a mother could love, BNE was able to piece together a win over Hardcore Cabinet and end the last unbeatens quest for a perfect record.  Trevor Lawrence tripped and fell into the end zone for BNE as a last minute replacement for Purdy, but netted BNE 26 points.  HC had 3 usually strong performers score less than 5 and usually shitty performer Jeudy score less than 5. HC released a statement:

Good win last week, Webb.  As I look at your squad, I could puke. You might be have the worst team besides BG. Last week was on me.  Bad GM skills.  You did nothing special.  I failed.  Just saying.  Good win tho. Thrash!

Better than you, and you know it

1. Tinker Stinkers 59-6 

Really Good

2. LZ 45-20

3. RM 41-24

4. TC 40-25

 Good

5. ODS 36-29

6. HC 36-29

They Aight

7. $$ 33-32

8. SMBR 32-33

Not Good

9. BB 29-36

10. BNE 27-38

11. EBD 25-40

Shitty

12. BL 18-47

13. IS 18-47

14. BG 16-49

Big ups to Los Zapatistas with our first perfect week.  Muy Bueno! EBD which has won every week even had his best week of the year with 6, but it wasn't enough with perfection on the table.  He's still 5 clear of HC and BL in second for the year to date lead.  

Dollars brought up the rear with 3 correct picks.  He's the low man on the year as well.  

Game of the Week

#1 Tinker Stinkers vs 2 Rush'N Missiles

#4 HC vs #10 TC

#6 BB vs #11 SMBR

#12 BL vs #8 BNE

#13 BG vs #3 LZ

#9 $$ vs #5 ODS

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#14 Italian Stallions vs #7 Eh Big Dude

Week 6 begins.....NOW!

HTPB 22.5

Week 5 saw the return of fantasy studs to active rosters (Taylor, Kupp), the return of disappointing players to premiere performance, (Burrow, Chance), the return of Sergio slurping Jason like he had anything to do with any of his success.  Now if we can get Cory back to the bottom 7, everything will be normal again.

                                                                            (Fields on Fire)

Jeremy' Brother has somehow continues to score more after losing Chubb and Henry than he was before.  Led by Justin Fields' amazing Thursday night, JB managed to hand Bay-Bay's a convincing defeat.  We are unaware if Dan was able to watch Fields go crazy on TNF because we don't know if Canada has Amazon Prime or Thursdays for that matter.  Little is known about this strange land. Luckily Jeremy was able to tell Jason how handle the situation. 

Joe Burrow came back from the dead to partner with DJ Moore to give Big Nasty Express the Big Nasty Win.  Blue Gatorade traded the #1 pick in the draft and his life partner of the last several years for a receiver catches passes from a QB that looks and throws like Bart and running back who plays mostly in England apparently.  It didn't matter this week as both Jefferson and Max listening to his roommates and their girlfriends pulled their hammies.  I'm trying to transition back into this matchup but after that hammie joke, I think it's best for all involved if I just move on.

After a whole year of denying being smug the Bricklayers in fact proved they were smug based on their own logic.  The Bricklayers told the sideline reporter that they were not looking forward to the Collegians smug comments.  Later he said that it takes a smug person to know a smug a person.  So by the transitive principle, Bricklayers was admitting that he himself is smug, if he was able to know that the Collegians would be smug.  This is now proven.  Science law. Ipso Facto Smuggo Sluggo.  Nice win, Steve. Lots of solid performances all around. 

In the anticipated Eh Bid Dude vs Los Zapatistas matchup, several players went down with injuries.  This game saw the injuries or all already injured: James Conner, Tank Dell, Roy's pride, Amon Ra St. Brown, De-von Achane, Aaron Jones, and Justin Jefferson.  There were so many injuries on Los Zapatistas that De-Von Archane had to get his own medical exam table because the blue tent was full. The Shoes were able to tap dance into first place with the win, and Eh Bid Dude plummeted down in the standings all the way to 2nd.  But luckily like most weeks that his team doesn't do well, Roy was fortunate enough to not be paying attention this week. 

Rushin Missiles has bucked several years of tradition to win three games in a row, although a majority of them could have been family related pity.  SMBR left an inactive player in his lineup for the second time this season.  It would not have mattered because RM go crazy in England and he leads the league in starting the right players with an over 91.6% hit rate. He's broken 100 four straight weeks.

Dollars rocketed out of the cellar with huge 182 point performance.  Jamar Chase and George Kittle had three TD's apiece.  It was raining touchdown's on the Stallions.  Just one week after Dom pulled the last place point explosion, he fails to break 100, losing again and slips right back into dead fucking last.  Don't worry Dom has time share there, he knows his way around.  The 85 point beat down was the biggest of the season. Dollars used his week explosion to jump to the head of the losing records just one game out of the playoffs. 

Ogre's Death Squad and Hardcore Cabinet combined for less points that Dollars himself this week.  Hardcore gets the win despite outscoring only 4 franchises this week.  Cooper Kupp returned as Hardcore Cabinet looks to save his season, and ODS looks to have two QB with red letter designations and tries to piece together a roster to help turn it around.  Hunter Henry and DeVonta Smith combined for 1 catch and 6 yards.  

1. RM 44-21

2. LZ 43-22

3. EBD 41-24

4. BL 39-26

5. TC 36-29

6. JB 35-30

7. BB 35-30

8. BNE 34-31

9.$$ 29-36

10. ODS 26-39

11. HC 25-40

12. IS 23-42

13. SMBR 23-42

14. BG 22-43

Ogre's Death Squad has been the most unlucky, being cheated out of 3 spots in the standings. There is a logjam of several teams who have been two spots lucky.

10 prognosticators went 4-3 to win the week.

IS, EBD went 3-4

$$ 2-5

BG a lowly 1-6 (You're Welcome for the win)

Week 6 picks can be made here.

In the game of the week

#1 Los Zapatistas battle #5 Jeremy's Brother

HC vs BL

ODS vs $$$

BB vs RM

BG vs EBD

SMBR vs TC

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#14 Italian Stallions (for the third straight week) vs #9 Big Nasty Express

Enjoy week 6 everybody.  Please comment on the webpage with something you enjoyed. 

HTPB 21.5

(I did not know Five Alive was citrus based beverage until I image searched it)

(Italian Stallions getting a win)

The Italian Stallions were able to finally get a win because Blue Gatorade is a stain upon his family.  Italian Stallions finally broke the 100 point barrier, while Blue Gatorade broke my heart.  Italian Stallions have jettisoned the rotting corpse of Russell Wilson to Dollars and it's his problem now.  Russell Wilson this season is like an STD if when you gave someone Herpes you no longer had Herpes and got Tom Brady. Regardless of any trades to improve the Stallions, losing to Dom in fantasy football is inexcusable and Blue Gatorade will be under new management from here on out.  (This video was filmed exclusively to for this write-up)

Los Zapatistas was very quiet this week as there was not an opportunity to crow about his butt buddies and he took another L.  But nice job trading for David Montgomery and playing his backup.  Real good move.  Maybe if you spent less time trying to troll the author of this masterpiece and pay attention to yourself wouldn't have lost this week.  But you probably would have anyhow because you are a lineup missing, ass kissing, coattail riding, clout chasing, son of bitch. Wooooo!!!!      Bricklayers hasn't said anything to go off of either. I'm sure the metaphors are coming like a tidal wave. (That was simile not a metaphor) Bricklayers stays undefeated as their schedule toughens greatly over the next few weeks so in a month we will really see if Bricklayers are made of brick or if Bricklayers are soft new fallen snow. (Metaphor)

Bay-Bay's continued to get injured and suck in general this season as he was yet another victim of SMBR despite Lamar being mediocre. Bay-Bay's hasn't broken 100 in a month.  If it wasn't for his Tinder profile pic his brother has stolen, Dan wouldn't be anywhere near a good score in awhile.  Even once his team if ever gets healthy will it be any good?  Bay-Bay's has had tons of growing pains in their first year in the big leagues.  SMBR next two games are against the two remaining unbeatens so it should be some fireworks in the future as the silent assassin continues on wrecking fools but was nice enough to hand Bay Bay's a new Toyota.  

Hardcore Cabinet trotted out 3 Detroit Lions who combined for under 15 points which led to Eh Bid Dude continuing to be undefeated and continuing to put his input on every transaction in the league like a smug asshole despite a career record in Yahoo leagues of 183-187.  Roy when he reads that.  This combined with Bay-Bay's bailing on Austin Eckler for Olave who got concussed and CEH who scored 5.5 points. Why am I spending so much time talking about Dan's poor trade during the write-up of my own loss, because it's my blog and I'll talk about what I want to talk about.    

Dollars used a Monday Night kicker comeback to defeat Jeremy's Brother despite Russell Wilson playing into what appeared to be his first football game ever on Thursday. JB gets what he deserves by drafting a Steeler first who has been doo doo all year, but it would be hard for even Jason to get under the low bar that's coming up in his next three games with three car fertilizer train of Italian Stallions, Collegians, and Bay's Bay's "chugging" down the tracks.  More like Butt Chuggin am I right?  Dollars was led by the San Francisco D which usually costs extra at the truck stop.  

Rushin' Missiles couldn't pulled the rate triple zero as Waller, Bridgewater, and his defense all came up like Cory grabbing at his penis, with nothing.  RM had 66.7 points from Fournette and Cupp and put up 51.4 of those. The Collegians have now mathematically clinched not beating May Be Fat's record as the worst team in league history despite spending the first 5 weeks on the season as the worst team in league history posting a high score of 85 which wasn't even one of the weeks that he tripped and fell into a win. One of them had to win and the final moments of the game are shown here. 

(Antikythera mechanism  the oldest example of an analogue computer and clearly what BNE used to autodraft this shitshow team)

Ogre's Death Squad kept the Big Nasty Express winless.  Everybody has been giving BNE shit over their autodrafted team, but I remind you that BNE drafted Jamar Chase and kept him so he did draft one guy and that guy has been underperforming so put that in your pipe and smoke it. Nick can draft just as shittily as the computer.  Ogre's Death Squad is all Josh Allen all the time and it is has led to the fifth most points (1 point out 4th) and the same number of wins as the Collegians.  It could get better for BNE as they enter consecutive games against TC and IS to avoid the first winless season in league history.  Nick falls to 0-4-1 in defensive battles this season.  

					- UNLUCKY
					+ LUCKY
	PWR
TIERS	RANK	W	L	+/-
Top Dogs	BL	53	12	0
	EBD	52	13	0
	SMBR	51	14	0
Playoff Contenders	ODS	44	21	-3
	HC	39	26	0
	TS	37	28	2
fecal matter	BG	36	29	-5
	BNE	29	36	-6
	LZ	28	37	1
	$$	26	39	4
dog fecal matter	CB	20	45	2
	IS	19	46	-1
	BB	14	51	3
$$ tier	TC	7	58	3

	TC hasn't scored more than 86 points…and has 2 wins
	Scheduling has hurt BG and BNE. ODS as well, but he is doing something about it!
	$$, BB, TC lucky ducks
	ODS saw the biggest standings increase, 3 places. BB, BG,BNE,CB all fell 1
	Top overall scorer is SMBR, while BL has been the most consistent.
	The Collegians is the only team to stay in bottom or top every week: you can guess which one.

Playoff Odds

Team Name	1st	2nd	3rd	4th	5th	6th	7th	8th	9th	10th	11th	12th	13th	14th	Total
Bricklayers	38.22	31.4	23.25	5.55	1.3	0.2	0.08	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	100
StabMyBalzRepeatedly	31.95	30.9	28.8	6.25	1.65	0.38	0.05	0.03	0	0	0	0	0	0	100
Eh Bid Dude	29.4	34.47	31.77	3.57	0.73	0.05	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	100
Jeremy’s Brother	0.13	1.8	8.18	42.12	27.27	12.78	5.05	1.87	0.63	0.1	0.05	0	0.03	0	99.2
Hardcore Cabinet	0.25	1.17	5.9	27.22	31.55	23.1	7.15	2.55	0.88	0.15	0.05	0.03	0	0	98.9
Ogre's Death Squad	0.03	0.2	1.57	11.63	26	31.42	16.4	8.25	3.1	1.05	0.3	0.05	0	0	95.5
DOLLARS	0.03	0.05	0.43	2.55	6.38	15.4	27.52	23.35	15.88	5.65	1.87	0.75	0.15	0	75.7
Blue Gatorade	0	0	0.08	0.55	3.3	9.95	22.4	26.57	17.23	10.2	5.4	2.67	1.2	0.45	62.85
Boone or Bust 🏈	0	0	0	0.45	1.65	4.75	15.28	19.22	25.1	16.43	9.88	4.2	2.5	0.55	41.35
Rush’n Missiles	0	0	0.03	0.08	0.15	0.88	2.75	6.75	12.65	19.22	21.15	19.62	13.83	2.9	10.63
BIG NASTY EXPRESS	0	0	0	0.03	0	0.48	1.65	5.1	10.88	21.35	22.9	18.92	12.8	5.9	7.25
Italian Stallions	0	0	0	0	0.03	0.55	1.32	4.45	9.65	16.35	20.4	21.52	18.18	7.55	6.35
BayBay's	0	0	0	0	0	0.08	0.35	1.75	3.77	8.73	15.48	24.7	31.25	13.9	2.17
The Collegians	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0.1	0.25	0.78	2.52	7.53	20.07	68.75	0.1

Despite two wins Skynet cannot conceive of a world where Collegians makes the playoffs.  According to our computer overlords, HTPB is already down to 9 teams but bye weeks could play a roll as Skynet doesn't account for those in the simulations. 

Italian Stallions were the winners this week posting a 6-1 record.  While JB, TC, LZ, BL and BG were all 3-4 to bring up the rear. Jason will still maintain their overall lead. Here is the link for week 5. 

Since I am getting this week's blog out a little later than usual I can include the Yahoo medal count, which gives awards for your team accomplishing various goals such as leading the week in TD's or yards, making trades, winning the week in pick 'em.  All of this works towards your yahoo/league ratings which gives you higher daily fantasy benefits. The current leader is Roy with 19 and in last is Nick with only 4 medals.

  

Week 6 Preview

Game of the Week

#1 Bricklayers vs SMBR #3

ODS vs $$$

BG vs LZ

EBD vs BB

IS vs JB

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#11 (HOW!!!!) The Collegians vs Big Nasty Express #14

Good luck to all in week 6. The season is already 1/3 over.  Crazy huh?