Bowling for Corporate Dollars

We all know why postseason college sporting events happen despite the games having no bearing on the National Championship.  It's because it is a reward for hard working student athletes and coaches from a long hard season of smash mouth football.  Yeah right.  It is because of the all mighty dollar.  The dollars during bowl season come from corporations and I wanted to think about how I could support these corporations for supplying me with hours of meaningless games that only matter for something to watch during the holidays and of course gambling.  I decided that I would purchase one item from each corporate sponsor from each bowl game to ensure that Meaningless Madness (trademark pending) continues next season when the NCAA will institute a four team playoff.

First up the Gildan New Mexico Bowl.  I had no idea what a Gildan was so their sponsorship of the New Mexico Bowl worked enough to get me to look up what a Gildan was.  It is a sports apparel company.  Who knew?  I decided to purchase a plain short sleeve T-shirt because a man has to be comfortable if he is going to sit on the couch for the approximately 122 hours of football in 35 bowl games I will be watching over three weeks.

The Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl brings me some of their fuel system cleaner for the low price of $15.99 which will be helpful for all the stores I had to hit to purchase all of these fine products.  The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl cures my hunger with 10 delicious Yukon Gold Potatoes for $19.95.  R&L Carriers sponsors the New Orleans Bowl and if I wanted to ship a thank you package in one of their tractor trailers, it would cost me from my house to New Orleans only $272.35.  Your autographed picture is on the way R & L.

I have worked up another appetite and decided to stop in at the sports bar Beef O' Brady's which not only did I not know existed but there is a location with 45 minutes of my house.  Despite the annoying and unappetizing way their commercials during the game referred to the place as "Beef's", I ordered the Land, Sea, and Air platter of sliders, shrimp, and chicken tenders even though chickens don't fly, Mr. O'Brady.  This deep fried delicacy set me back $15.99.

Who wants to spend Christmas Eve with their family when they could attend the Sheraton Hawaii bowl and stay in the premier suite for $3,400 a night.  No brainer, lei me, please.  After returning home on my Christmas Day flight, I ordered a tasty $5 hot and ready pizza while watching the Little Cesar's Pizza Bowl on the 26th.  Fortunately my plane stopped over in San Diego with a layover long enough to open a saving account with a minimum deposit of only $1 at the San Diego County Credit Union to thank them for sponsoring the Poinsettia Bowl.

This is where my corporate thank you quest becomes a little expensive and more than likely illegal.  I was able to pull a few strings and was able to get my hands on an unmanned bombing drone from the good people at Northrop Grumman, the friendly people behind the Military Bowl and the American war machine.  All of the bombing, none of the mess, and only for $12,548,710.60.  My new MQ-9 looks great in the driveway by the way.  It's just too bad that their isn't a Steve's Plane Hangar's Bowl.

The Texas Bowl tried to trip up my consumer paradise by not having a direct sponsor.  What gives Texas Bowl?  How am I supposed to watch two mediocre teams like Syracuse and Minnesota do battle without purchasing something to thank the sponsor?  You almost defeated me Texas Bowl, but I bought a commemorative long-sleeved shirt featuring bowl teams appearance in the legendary Texas Bowl for only $30.

The Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl will fight my hunger for the low price of $4.50 for a 5 pack of macaroni and cheese.  Hopefully I don't get any on my New Era baseball cap purchased for watching the Pinstripe Bowl for $34.99.  I have been doing a lot traveling to complete my free enterprise endeavor so I picked up a nice luggage set from Belk Department Stores and the Belk Bowl.  Total cost to travel in style only $240.

I have gotten a few shirts but my legs remain naked.  Not after purchasing some fleece pants from Russell Athletic and watching the bowl of the same name for only $5.96.  Thanks Mr. Athletic!  I dined that evening for 10 pm start of the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl on 15 spicy garlic wings for $15.99.

Since already had an unmanned flying machine, I would need a manned one.  Thank goodness for the Bell Helicopters Armed Forces Bowl and Bell Model 407 that I purchased for $2.54 million.  Luckily I was able to fiance my new helicopter though Franklin American Mortgage Company.  Thanks for the Music City Bowl.  My helicopter flies through the air but doesn't run on it.  That's why I picked up a barrel of refined Oil for $48.76 from the people who bring us the Alamo Bowl.  I will always remember you, Valero.

In order to improve this blog, I enrolled at National University to earn an Associates degree in creative writing.  The Holiday Bowl education set me back $16,632.  Taking all of these classes, I will need an extra pep in my step.  Thankfully the Advocare V100 Bowl and their vitamin supplements for only $34.95 will keep me going.

The good people at Hyundai and the Sun Bowl would like me to purchase a new car and decided on the sensible sedan with nice leg room, the Hyundai Elentra, for $18,850.  I can't to fix my new ride up with $18.99 wiper blades from Auto Zone and the Liberty Bowl.  I am going to need some extra funds to pay for all this so I will try to maximize my income tax return through TaxSlayer.com, while I file my taxes while watching the Gator Bowl for only $32.95.  I will put my return in Plains Capital Bank to thank them for the Heart of Dallas Bowl.  Whatever my return doesn't cover I will just put on my Capital One card because it is in my wallet for the Capital One Bowl.

Time to refuel with a Outback Steak Plate for only $9.99.  I can watch both the Outback and Rose Bowl on my 80" Class Razor LED Smart 3DTV for $3,999.  I can also scoop any last bits of my steak plate with Tostitos Scoops for $3.99 a bag for my New Year's Day evening while watching the Fiesta Bowl.

The great money grab continues after New Year's Day.  I can get insurance on my new car through Allstate for $91 a month as a big thanks for the Sugar Bowl.  I can help pay for that with the money I deposited in Discover's Online Savings Account while I watched the Orange Bowl.  I am going to need a new smart phone to manage all of these new accounts on the go, so I got the AT&T Nokia Lumia 520 for only $69.99 with a new phone contract with AT&T.  This way I will also be able to call everyone I know to watch the AT&T Cotton Bowl.  Luckily I was able to get another loan from BBVA Compass at the low APR of 3.08.  That will make the fantastic match-up of Vanderbilt and Houston, all the more riveting in the BBVA Compass Bowl.

Wrapping up this season of corporations giving us meaningless football games, I will post all of this on the website domain name that purchased for just $.99 from GoDaddy.com.  It should be up and running by the end of the GoDaddy Bowl.

Finally the BCS National Championship Game.  The only game that actually means something.  The biggest game of them all features the return of our good friends at Vizio.  I can't wait to get my second 80" TV.  I will need it too because some of these bowl games are on at the same time.  Don't these advertisers know how to maximize their advertising dollar?


Follow me on twitter @ferrellcomedy

What I am Thankful for in Sports

This time of year Americans sit down with family and friends and spend time to be thankful.  This is also the point in the sports calendar where there is constantly sporting events on television.  So it got me thinking what I had to be thankful for being an Ohio sports fan with a busy life and a wife and kids.

I am thankful that the 2014 NFL Draft is loaded with Quarterback prospects.  As the Browns head into the home stretch of another stink hole season ruined by bad quarterback play, Browns fans' attention turned towards the draft.  Fortunately this year is the deepest quarterback draft in a very long time.  Brandon Weeden, the Browns' first round pick in 2012, who came out of college at 28 as a project, is bar none the worst quarterback in the league.  Weeden is not just the worst starting quarterback, the worst quarterback period. He isn't the first terrible quarterback the Browns have tortured their loyal fans with.  Since the Browns returned as a cesspool in the NFL in 1999, they have trotted out the following collection of bums and mistakes at starting quarterback.


Ty Detmer, Tim Couch, Doug Pederson, Spergon Wynn, Kelly Holcomb, Jeff Garcia, Luke McCown, Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, Ken Dorsey, Bruce Gradkowski, Colt McCoy, Jake Delhomme, Seneca Wallace, Brandon Weeden, Brian Hoyer, Jason Campbell.

I had to take a shower after listing off that rotten collection of turds.  The Browns have the Colts first round pick after convincing them to take the corpse of Trent Richardson plus their own surely high first rounder.  I am not opposed to the Browns using both picks on quarterbacks in 2014.  I mean one of them has to not suck.  I mean right? It has to happen eventually.  If the Colts can go from Peyton Manning to Andrew Luck and the Packers can go from Bret Farve to Aaron Rodgers then the Browns can get one good quarterback every twenty years. I mean can't we catch a break?

I am thankful this is the last year of the BCS.  Ohio State seems locked into the 3rd slot and therefore outside of the championship game despite not having lost a game during the past two seasons.  I would love to see the Buckeyes get a chance to play for the national championship this year, however I am no dummy.  I have seen Alabama and Florida State and know that the Buckeyes are not in their class.  If this was next season in order to win a national title, the Buckeyes would have to beat both of them in a two week period.  Not happening.  You are just not putting together two perfect games back to back like that.  However since this is the last year of the BCS, if the Tide or Seminoles should happen to stub their toes in the last few games of the season, then Ohio State would only have to pull one upset.  They have an outside shot of doing that and I would love to watch them try.

I am thankful for the 2013 Cleveland Indians season.  It was a great season with tons of ups and downs like any good roller coaster ride season should be.  However I know this was probably as good as it is going to get for a few years.  The Cleveland Indians shot completely over their skis this season.  They hit gold with a few lottery tickets like Jason Giambi and Scott Kazmir.  However the mass exodus of players with talent that the Tribe can no longer afford has already begun.  Joe Smith a reliable middle reliever left for the Angels because a small market team just can't afford to spend 4 million a season on a setup man.  Ubaldo Jimenez who stunk most of his time in Cleveland finally turned it on the last two months.  Just in time to decline his player option and cash in big time.  Thanks for stinking for two years and then finally getting it together for a payday, Ubaldo.  This next season will be a disappointing one for the Tribe as they will take a step back in 2014.

I am thankful that at the end of this NBA season that Lebron James can opt out of his contract.  This will finally allow the closure that we Cavs fans need. There has been rumblings that Lebron may return to Cleveland after this season for a do over with the Cavs.  I know that would be great for the Cavs record and chances at a title.  But Cavs fans have been stuck in neutral ever since the Decision.  There were the two years of hate and the past year and a half as been hoping and pining for Lebron to return.  Cavs fans clapped and begged for Lebron to return when the Heat came to Cleveland to play on Wednesday and it saddened me to see what we have become.  It doesn't make me feel good to see my fellow fans turn into a jilted lover who is hoping for their ex to get divorced and come back.  It's pathetic.  I will be just be glad when the Cavs finally know that he isn't coming back and we can start actually moving on as a franchise.  That way we can build around the often injured Kyrie Irving, Tristan Thompson who after years of playing basketball realized he shoots better with his other hand, the black hole shooting guard who can't shoot Dion Waiters, Andrew Bynum who keeps talking about retirement, and Anthony Bennett who is on pace to be the worst number 1 overall draft pick since Kwame Brown in 2001.  It is only a matter of time until Bennett is a D-League all-star for the Canton Charge.  This team has some major issues and I doubt will seem all that attractive to Lebron so it seems like it will be another long, dark era for the Cavs.

What I am most thankful for this season with Cleveland sports teams is what they have done for my son.  He has learned that you love people unconditionally.  That you stick with them through the hard times even if you don't see good times on the horizon.  Being a Cleveland sports fans has taught him that you are loyal and hopeful even if you never get any sort of satisfaction in the end.  It has now been 50 years since a Cleveland team has won a title and he sees his friends, who obviously have no class or values and were raised by barbarians, pronounce their love of the Steelers, Heat, Yankees, Red Sox, and other teams just because they are winning currently.  He knows that is not how a person should be a sports fan.  People love sports for the escape that it allows from life, but I love sports for what it does for my life, how it teaches lessons, and how after every heart-breaking loss and devastating season that my son is becoming a better person through it.  I am thankful for that more than any championship my teams could bring. Although I feel that he has learned enough about perseverance and loyalty, so we could really use a Championship Parade.  I would be very thankful for that.

Follow me on Twitter @Ferrellcomedy


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Up Close with the Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2013

            Friday night I was up close and personal with the Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2013 along with over 100 other Hall of Famers at the Enshrinees Dinner in Canton, Ohio.  The class of 2013 included Larry Allen, Chris Carter, Curly Culp, Jonathan Ogden, Bill Parcells, Dave Robinson, and Warren Sapp.  It was the 50^th anniversary of the Hall of Fame and to commemorate the occasion all but 7 of the living Hall of Famers were in Canton last night.  It was the largest amount of Hall of Famers from any sport in one place at the same time. 

 

               I have worked as a personal security escort for five years for this event and this was the first year that every inductee was friendly and great to be around.  It made for a great evening.  Dave Robinson who was a linebacker for Lombardi’s Packers in the 1960s wandered off before the evening could even get started.  Chris Carter got the night off to a great start when he quipped, “The Hall made him wait 30 years so he is going to make everybody wait another 30 minutes.”

 

            We escorted the enshrinees through various rooms of diners in the Canton Fine Arts Center and Canton Civic Center.  I was assigned to Larry Allen who could not have been more friendly and personable.  The players and coach were introduced to each room of fans, family members, and former teamates to a round of applause and multiple handshakes and back slaps.  The biggest ovation of the night in each room went to Jonathan Ogden which was surprising considering Canton is Browns country along with a sickening pocket of Steelers fans. Little known fact, at least by me, Ogden was an honorary captain for the Ravens in the most recent Super Bowl so he was sporting two giant rings. The former Ohio State Buckeye Chris Carter was serenaded with constant chants of O-H, which after a few rooms he stopped responding with I-O which was understandable because if he answered each chant, Carter wouldn’t have done anything else all night. 

 

            In a tale of two extremes, Chris Carter used hand sanitizer after each room because of all of the handshakes, while Larry Allen didn’t wash his hands the entire evening.  Even after using the restroom twice for number #2.  In personal security there are things you don’t want to see, but that will be burned into my brain forever.  Also despite all of his bravado and famous sound bites as a coach, Bill Parcells was quiet and reserved. 

 

            After a few rooms, an extremely intoxicated lady grabbed Chris Carter in the hallway and had to be pulled off of the Viking great. This was hilarious to Larry Allen. This would not be our last run in with this drunken fool.  After the commotion, Carter asked Allen who was the toughest player he went up against, Allen answered that they were all tough, but Warren Sapp was his hardest match-up.  Sapp was not within earshot so this was not said just to blow smoke for Sapp’s benefit.  One of the rooms was filled with fans with disabilities and Chris Carter went to each of them for a handshake and a quick moment.  It must have been very moving because Carter was brought to tears from the emotion. 

 

            We entered a room in the Fine Arts center where this March I exchanged vows with my beautiful wife.  I mentioned this to Larry Allen and he congratulated me and asked how the marriage was going.  I assured him that everything was great.  Then the drunk lady reappeared attempting to get Larry Allen to sign a Warren Sapp shirt because she was his biggest fan.  I told her to go sit down and sober up.

 

            Once all of the members of the current class arrived at the main area and were served dinner, each member of the HOF that was in town was individually introduced to the crowd. It was disappointing to see Chris Carter’s son Duron Carter, who will give the introductory speech for his father the next day, texting on his phone during the majority of the ceremony.  Duron failed out of both Ohio State and Alabama, which takes some doing since you can take classes such as AIDS Awareness and Beginning Golf to stay eligible. I felt Duron, who has NFL dreams, should have witnessed the Hall of Famers all come to welcome his father to their elite club. He wouldn’t have hurt for Duron to see what hard work and perseverance can lead to. The largest ovation went to Cleveland Browns Hall of Fame running back, Jim Brown who coincidently was the only Hall of Famer to not wear his gold jacket that every member receives upon induction.  Another loud ovation went to Don Shula, who needed the assistance of two police officers to walk on the stage.  The winningest coach in NFL history was not in good shape so his appearance was both saddening and inspiring.  Speaking of poor health, former Bills quarterback, Jim Kelly, who was recently diagnosed with jaw cancer, looked to be in great spirits. No ill effects of the disease or his fight were visible. 

 

            Lawrence Taylor decided to accentuate his gold Hall of Fame jacket with jeans and flip flops so he sure classed up the evening.  After’s LT’s introduction, our drunk friend from earlier latched on to the controversial linebacker and WrestleMania 11 main eventer, and had to be peeled off again. 

 

            At the end of the evening I was supposed to take Larry Allen to his private car to be taken back to his hotel but instead Allen decided to board the Dallas Cowboys party bus with Jerry Jones and both their families.  It looked like it would be a great time but alas my night as Larry Allen’s shadow had come to an end. The whole experience was amazing as other NFL and sports media dignitaries such as Ray Lewis, Roger Goodell, Chris Collingsworth, Chris Berman, Rich Eisen, and Al Michaels took in the ceremony.  The strangest celebrity in attendance was former NBA shooting guard Ron Harper who was seated with Chris Carter’s family.  Who knew?  It was a night that Canton, Ohio, the Pro Football Hall of Fame, the NFL, and past and current enshrinees all shined brightly and I was grateful to get a behind the scenes peek at the extravaganza. 

            Please leave feedback below or at mattferrell75@gmail.com or on twitter @ferrellcomedy 

           

The Future Was Stamped Out in 2005 by the WWE's Own Boot.

            The current WWE product has featured the same major players for years.  The top wrestler and face of the company is John Cena.  He has been on top since 2005 when he won his first WWE championship at WrestleMania 21.  It has been 8 years with Cena as the top of card with little new blood injected into the main event scene.  I recently watched every Pay Per Event offered by WWE during the year 2005.  I watched every match from Edge vs. Shawn Michaels at the Royal Rumble to Orton and Undertaker battling inside Hell in a Cell at Armageddon.  I wanted to look back on the year that Cena became the MAN.  I came across an interesting trend about that showed how WWE failed to create new stars during that year. 

            The year was the known as the ascension of Cena and Batista.  Early in the year Batista was the focus of the show as he won the Royal Rumble and his title win headlined WrestleMania over Cena’s.  The brand split was in full effect so each television show, Raw and Smackdown, had their own PPV’s.  This led to the many matches that made the PPV that never would have seen the light of day in years past or today.  This made it hard to sit through some of the undercards but it also gave me a chance to see a wide array of talent that was on the roster in 2005. 

            The focus of many of those undercards was on the young talent and many older wrestlers brought back to take some spotlight.  This is where the WWE didn’t give their younger talent the benefit of the doubt and focused on the older stars. The current and former main event stars owned the young guns. 

            Young stars like Carlito, Shelton Benjamin, Chris Masters, Gene Snitsky, Maven, Tyson Tomko, Mercury, Nitro and Rob Conway all had poor records on Pay Per View in 2005.  Blasts from the pasts like Hulk Hogan, Mick Foley, Jimmy Snuka, and Bob Orton were all undefeated.  A guy with tons of promise, Carlito, lost to both Foley and Ric Flair on the big stage.  The young guys were beaten down before they had a chance to grow and become stars.  None of the young guys are still with the company and none ever had a one on one PPV World Title match, let alone win the big one.  This lost generation has cost the WWE a lot of money over the years as fans tire of the same match-ups over and over again.  This trend continues over the next few years.  No new stars were elevated to the main events and most eventually left the company.  Each new batch of young guys fell by the wayside. 

            The guys who piled up wins in 2005 have definitely made their mark in WWE, as Cena, Batista, JBL, Kane, Big Show, Kurt Angle, Shawn Michaels Randy Orton and Undertaker have made tons of money for Vince McMahon.  Those guys were all established stars at this point having won multiple titles and sold tons of tickets and Pay Per View buys.  The only stars that were used to really put over other talent were Jericho, Christian andEddie Guerrero who went a combined and very Barry Horrowitz like 1-16. The only wrestlers that were built towards the main event scene during 2005 were Edge and Rey Mysterio.  These two would go on to headline many shows and win plenty of matches, but in a business where careers can be short and attention spans even shorter, only two superstars taking the steps from also ran to main event stars is not the way to grow your company. 

            The WWE is just now spending the time to develop young stars and debut them strongly and give the fans a reason to care about them.  The Shield, Fandango, Damien Sandow, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler and others have been given plenty of big wins over established stars and showing that the future of the business is bright.  Too many years the WWE ignored the future and buried its young talent under mountain of losses.  This caused the company to enter a period of staleness that began in 2005 and did not end until this year.  Hopefully new stars being made the right way means that the product will improve greatly.  This is great news for someone who loves this “fake” sport enough to write this blog post and say watch every Pay Per View from 2005 in succession. 

Please check out my other posts and feedback in appreciated below or at MattFerrell75@gmail.com or on Twitter @Ferrellcomedy

Below are the win loss records of every superstar to have a match on Pay-Per-View in 2005.  The Bonus points were racked up for being in main events, intial title wins which I gave more credo to then title retentions, and wins at WrestleMania or special matches like Money in the Bank, and the Royal Rumble. 

	win	loss	B/C	Title win	BONUS
Rey	8	2	80%	1	3
Batista	8	3	73%	6	13
Cena	7	1	88%	7	9
JBL	6	2	75%	2	4
Benoit	6	3	67%	2	2
Kane	5	2	71%	1	2
Taker	5	2	71%	0	2
Edge	4	3	57%	0	3
Benjamin	3	2	60%	2	0
Booker	3	3	50%	0	0
Triple H	3	4	43%	2	5
Big Show	3	4	43%	1	3
Orton	3	4	43%	0	5
Angle	3	5	38%	0	3
Animal	2	0	100%	1	1
Hogan	2	0	100%	0	1
Lashley	2	0	100%	0	1
Flair	2	1	67%	2	1
Juventud	2	1	67%	1	1
Eugene	2	1	67%	1	0
Super Crazy	2	1	67%	0	0
Jordan	2	2	50%	2	0
Mercury	2	2	50%	0	0
Nitro	2	2	50%	0	0
Heidenreich	2	3	40%	1	1
Hardy	2	3	40%	0	0
HBK	2	6	25%	0	3
Bob Orton	1	0	100%	0	1
Kash	1	0	100%	1	1
Bubba	1	0	100%	0	1
Devon	1	0	100%	0	1
Storm	1	0	100%	0	0
Sabu	1	0	100%	0	0
Awesome	1	0	100%	0	0
Kennedy	1	0	100%	0	0
Long	1	0	100%	0	0
Rosey	1	1	50%	1	1
Hurricane	1	1	50%	1	1
Cade	1	1	50%	1	1
Murdoch	1	1	50%	1	1
London	1	1	50%	1	0
Chavo	1	2	33%	1	1
Regal	1	2	33%	1	0
Hassan	1	2	33%	0	0
Psychosis	1	2	33%	0	0
Carlito	1	3	25%	1	1
Eddie	1	6	14%	1	1
Jericho	0	6	0%	0	1
Christian	0	4	0%	0	0
Masters	0	3	0%	0	1
Tomko	0	2	0%	0	0
Maven	0	2	0%	0	0
Snitsky	0	2	0%	0	0
Dean	0	2	0%	0	0
Conway	0	2	0%	0	0
Holly	0	2	0%	0	0
Nunzio	0	2	0%	0	0
Dreamer	0	1	0%	0	1
Sandman	0	1	0%	0	1
Doug	0	1	0%	0	0
Danny	0	1	0%	0	0
Funaki	0	1	0%	0	0
Spike	0	1	0%	0	0
Moore	0	1	0%	0	0
Akio	0	1	0%	0	0
Reigns	0	1	0%	0	0
Lawler	0	1	0%	0	0
Tajiri	0	1	0%	0	0
Antonio	0	1	0%	0	0
Romeo	0	1	0%	0	0
Grenier	0	1	0%	0	0
Viscera	0	1	0%	0	0
Davari	0	1	0%	0	0
Haas	0	1	0%	0	0
Rhyno	0	1	0%	0	0
Tanaka	0	1	0%	0	0
Richards	0	1	0%	0	0
Meanie	0	1	0%	0	0
Foley	0	1	0%	0	0
Snuka	0	1	0%	0	0
Coach	0	1	0%	0	0
Bischoff	0	1	0%	0	0
Burchill	0	1	0%	0	0