RuthlessCee Show Aggressive Companion (Velocity June 28, 2003 and Heat June 29, 2003)

                                                                       Velocity 6/28/03

Our hosts are once again, Josh Mathews and Ernest "The Cat" Miller from Madison Square Garden but they don't mention it.

Match #1

Billy Gunn comes out with Torrie Wilson. He's no longer the one but is back to Mr. Ass. Kanyon is out second and our opener is underway.  This is an actual interaction between Matthews and The Cat during the feeling out at the start of the match.

Josh, "Tonight we have your mother's favorite, A-Train."

Cat, "My momma thinks he looks like Denzel"

Josh, "Your momma needs to change her cataracts."

Josh, "My momma sees fine, she can see you are a dork."

This four sentence interaction let's the viewer know, The Cat's mom is physically attracted to large hairy bald men.  Josh doesn't know what cataracts is because he thinks, it is something that needs changed to improve your vision like getting a prescription changed.  The Cat's momma is a good judge of a Josh.

Kayon hits a Russian leg sweep and holds on and rolls into a a face buster.  Fun move.  Kanyon stays in control and repeatedly cuts off Gunn's hope spots and the crowd is into it.  Kanyon goes to the top and was apparently going for the leaping nothing as he catches the boot to the face after coming down.  Billy Gunn hits the Famouser for the win at 5:27. (**)

Afterwards Billy Gun talks Torrie into showing off his theme song. 

Match #2 

Spanky vs John Xavier 

All ideas that this man was once Brian Kendrick are gone.  His opponent is a local competitor who happens to be the former Ring of Honor Champion, Xavier.  They trade arm control spots.  The announcers mention that Matt Hardy has put back on the weight and has left the cruiserweight division.  Xavier hits knees to the face from the top rope in the corner in a cool spot.  The crowd starts a "Let's go Spanky" chant.  Xavier hits a suicide dive and then back in the ring a rotating power slam and a neck breaker.  Kendrick gets the knees up for the 450 splash, takes Xavier for the middle rope sliced bread #2 and gets the pin. (6:27 ***)

Match #3

A-Train vs Kevin Knight

A-Train attacks before the bell and then just beats the tar out of Knight for 2:50 seconds before getting the win with the Trainwreck.  During this match The Cat keeps calling Knight, Pee Wee Herman, and says his trunks are pulled up so high they are a turtleneck.  He's dying laughing the whole time and it's infectious.  (*)

Match #4

Rhyno and Doug start out.  Rhyno gets picked apart by the Bashams.  Several rest holds are put in.  This part is moving at snail's pace.  Hot tag to Benoit, german suplexes, snap suplexes, top CTE splash, and then crossface for the tap out. (6:01 **)  Benoit dismantled both of them in about a minute for what I believe is the Bashams first loss.  The main event was the least fun match of the card because of such a small section of it being fast paced.

The announcers hype the Big Show vs Zach Gowen and Stephanie McMahon handicap match next week.  

Heat 6/29/2003

Match #1

Rosey vs Garrison Cade

It's the Bloodline!! Here comes Rosey fresh off losing to Val Venis last week, but he still has the swank 3-minute warning entrance theme despite being solo.  His opponent is rookie Garrison Cade who is coming off a win on Raw two weeks ago over Lance Storm via Stone Cold Steve Austin snoring distraction. 

Big slap takes Cade down.  Side slam squishes Cade.  Cade hits a drop kick and then a running knee to pick up the win. (2:19 *)  The training camp where Cade learned to wrestle loves teaching that finisher apparently.  

Rico's Runway Sizzling Summer Spectacular.  

Rico is going to show his fabulous summer looks with the help of his lovely assistant.  A normal looking lady is standing there.  Rico flips out on "Jan" because she is the behind camera assistant and should not be seen.  Then Rico introduces Miss Jackie, to model a cocktail dress.  Rico reminds us to don't finger that remote and stay tuned for more styles.

Match #2

Val Venis vs Roman Zachako

Val cuts his Hello Ladies spiel in a sponsored bit for Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines where his movie is Testosterone 3: Rise of the Big Valbowski.  This is a complete quick squash.  The crowd sounds being pumped in is very obvious in this one as the fans are sitting on their hands. Val wins with the Money Shot. (*)

We head back to Rico.  He is ready to show off his salsa outfit. Miss Jackie comes out in the outfit and they begin to dance.  Jan enters the screen with maracas and giant sombrero and is dancing.  She is once again yelled at for being plain and on camera.  She runs off upset.  Rico promises to show Tommy Dreamer some fashion sense in the ring.  Since Mr. Dreamer has been wearing t-shirt's and black track pants for thirty years, I don't think he got the message.  

Match #3

Rico vs Tommy Dreamer

Dreamer gets a big reaction here in MSG.  A big "Rico's Gay" chant breaks out and Coach and Snow have to mention it.  Rico rubs Tommy's chest.  Rico runs the ropes and then does a Bugs Bunny jump into Dreamer's arms and plants a kiss on his cheek.  I laughed.  Dreamer hits his DDT but Miss Jackie puts his foot on the ropes.  Dreamer goes after Jackie and chases her into the ring.  Jackie slaps him and Dreamer goes nuts.  He grabs her for what will be the Dreamer piledriver and the crowd goes nuts for it, but Rico nails Dreamer with a spin kick for the win.  (2:37 * 1/2)

Teri is brought to the men's room by Victoria because Stevie has a big huge reveal.  He is in the stall and eventually comes out in his new "Stevie Night Heat" tights.  

Our Rewind segment is brought to us by T:3 Rise of the Machines shows Stevie beating Goldust last week thanks to Goldust being distracted by forcing a kiss on Victoria. 

Match #4 

The ladies start the match and in this match man on woman is legal.  When Goldust tags in her crushes Victoria with a running butt jump, and then forcing another kiss on her.  When he has finished his sexual assault based offense.  Tags Trish back in and Victoria hits a sidewalk slam.  Swinging neck breaker by Trish and both are down.  Hot tags and Goldust cleans house.  Goldust shakes Victoria down from the top rope.  Trish tosses her off with the handstand hurricanranna.  Goldust hits shattered dreams on Victoria.  Trish hits chick kick on Victoria and is setting up for Stratusfaction but Stevie sneaks in and rolls her up for the win. (5:17 ** 1/2)

The heels celebrate and we are invited to turn into Raw but nothing is as of yet announced.   

Playoff Week 1 Quickie 2023

 

Rush'n Missiles gained his first playoff victory in franchise history with a victory over the The Collegians.  This leaves Bay-Bay's as the longest playoffless win drought although it has only been 2 seasons.  Longest playoff win droughts in current HTPB are EBD since 2016 and Italian Stallions since 2011, but on the bright side they did win titles with those wins. 

Skynet system gets pretty flawed in a one and done scenario but here is what it runs for 2023 HTPB Final Four.

Hardcore Cabinet 51%

Rush N' Missiles 49%

Los Zapatistas 0.04%

$$ 0%

This doesn't make any sense and is impossible to actually go that way.  Did I include it because it said Hardcore Cabinet has the highest?

The Fantasy Pros ratings for the rest of the season based on players and matchups are based out of 100 with whoever has the best in the league being that 100 score and everyone else a percentage of that value.  

Our remaining teams

$$ 94

HC 93

LZ 87

RM 81

BNE was the 100.  Maybe Nick isn't seeing this. So not only were you the most unlucky in the season but you also were set up the best for the championship rounds.  Have a great day everyone but Nick.

Tinker Stinker and Italian Stallions with 61 at the bottom.

June 22-23, 2003 WWE C Show Roundup Velocity and Heat

 

We are welcomed in by Josh Mathews and Ernest "The Cat" Miller.

Smackdown this past week actually featured a decent amount Velocity regulars in Kris Kanyon and Jaime Noble so I am curios to see who we get to show up tonight.

Match #1

Funaki is kicking off the show tonight.  And in a pleasant surprise we get the doctor of Thuganomics, John Cena in a Golden State Warriors throwback shootaround shirt. 

I dominate Saturday Nights

from the second I hit the green screen

to wearing thongs and fake afros on Confidential with Mean Gene.

Hospitals are packed with wrestling fans, they're getting Saturday Night Fever. 

I'm scared of getting mad cow, that's why all I eat is beaver.

and yo, I'm the best thing you can see on the weekends.

Josh, you were scaring me backstage doing those naked knee bends.

Yo, you stole my style last week, 

That's the reason I got hot, bro.

I'm the best poetic genius since Leaping Lanny Poffo.

I;m so over the top, I'm giving censors fits.

Forget the match, let's go to Hooters so we can grab some....

Cena doesn't finish the line but I assume that he was going to say, "some over priced, poorly seasoned wings"

Cena proceeds to unload on Funaki with a series of punches and kicks.  Some rope chokes and rest holds, until Funaki hits a swinging DDT.  Cena quickly nails the shoulder block, 5 knuckle shuffle, and the FU for the win in 4:44.  It's worth watching to see rapper Cena, the match is replacement level.

Orlando Jordan is shown warming up backstage shadow boxing.

Match #2

A-Train vs Orlando Jordan

Commentary is talking up Orlando who has been a hot streak since debuting and picking up wins, I believe at this point Orlando has been exclusive to Velocity. A-Train starts chucking chairs and steps because he is cranky about losing to Jordan in the past.  Orlando is out going with the smiley happy babyface look. Jordan starts with an arm bar. A-Train dodges some moves and nails a shoulder block and starts manhandling Jordan in the corner. Every come back is shot down by A-train.  It's Bear Hug Time! Eventually Jordan gets out and hits a dropkick which gets A-Train laying on the ropes.  Some neat Cody from Step by Step kickboxer offense, followed by a swank drop kick escape from the Baldo Bomb.  Jordan goes to the top rope, crossbody for the near fall.  More Cody attacks until a kick to the stomach, DeRailer.  1-2-3 A-Train wins (4:52).  It's a fine C show match.

Backstage Matt Hardy talks to the Basham Bros and tells them to make sure they beat the heck out of his MFers, Shannon Moore and Crash Holly because they need a lesson.  Shaniqua appears and scolds the Bashams for talking to others.  Matt says he doesn't need what Shaniqua offers because he has Mattitude. 

Match #3

Matt Hardy vs Paul London (jobber edition)

Matt Facts

#1: Matt digs tortilla soup

#2: Matt has wrestled on 4 continents.

Josh has never heard of tortilla soup, The Cat tells him it is good.  Tweet your opinion with the hashtags #Joshmatthewsisrightwhattheheckistortillasoup

#Ernestthecatmilerisrighttortillasoupistasty

Pretty simple process.

Matt Hardy thumps on London and heels to the crowd to begin.  Matt eventually hits an inverted airplane spinning neck breaker.  It was pretty cool. Can't see that was a move that I have seen him bust out before.  London gets the advantage and goes for a shooting star press but nobody was home.  Matt uses the advantage to hit a Twist of Fate.  He gives the "I'm so angry and evil face"  Boom hits a second Twist of Fate.  1-2-3 (5:27)  This was worth watching for the unique move and the shooting star miss. 

Match #4

Doug and Danny Basham with Shaniqua vs Crash Holly and Shannon Moore

Crash has Matt Hardy's book and the Bashams pass it around before Shaniqua's starts ripping pages out of it.  Apparently the M in S & M doesn't stand for Mattitude.  Crash is distracted by this and gets attacked.  Crash gets the beating for a while and is our face in peril.  We get the always crowd pleasing ref is distracted partners keep turning the small package spot.  Moore finally gets the tag and hits some fast paced moves.  Crash goes for a dive out of the ring and himself and burns to the floor.  The Bashams hit a Russian leg sweep clothesline combo for the victory at 5:16.  A little post match research led me to discover that this was Crash's last televised WWE match so give it a watch.

The announcers hype Smackdown's from Madison Square Garden with the main event of Kurt Angle, Brock Lesnar, and Mr. America vs Big Show, Shelton Benjamin, and Charlies Haas. 

Enjoy Confidential everyone!

  

Johnathan Coachman and Al Snow on commentary.

Match #1

Out first is Jacqueline as our special guest referee.  Our first competitor is Val Venis.  As he makes his way to the ring, they repeatedly show two girls in the front row wearing the 2003 girl tank top with the 2003 girl hair.  I am going to go out on a limb and assume they are plants because it's 2003 and they are swooning over Val Venis. 

Females in 2003

Val says that he is opening his own adult entertainment studio and is offering Jacqueline the starring role in "Jackie does Dallas".  Jackie is flattered for this offer because apparently she loves having intercourse with strangers on video.  Apparently the pay window for Sunday Night Heat referees is lacking.  But before she can accept, the Bloodline comes out, in the form of 1/2 of 3 minute warning Rosey.  

Rosey and Val proceed to have a match that involves Val trying to get the big man up for slams but he can't.  Eventually Val hits a side suplex that is so awful that commentary calls it more of a quarter suplex.  Val hits the money shot for the win in 3:13.  This was legitimately awful.

Match #2 Hurricane vs Michael Shane

Coach tells us that Michael Shane is popular on the indies and in Japan.  Thanks to Highway to the Impact Zone on Place to be Nation, I know that Shane ends up in TNA and is related to Shawn Michaels.  Please remember that he is related to Shawn Michaels.  I thought we were going to get some high flying cruiserweight action but that did not happen. It starts with some chain wrestling at a snail's pace. Shane was in slow motion and this apple fell really far from the tree.  The whole match seemed to be happening in quicksand.  Hurricane picks up the win with the shining wizard at 3:43.  Avoid unless you too are related to Shawn Michaels.

Match #3

Trish Stratus vs Molly Holly

The match begins with trading arm bars.  Moly attempts the backflipping elbow blast in the corner which Trish reverses into a electric chair rollup in a cool spot.  Molly kicks out of the chick kick.  Molly climbs to the top rope and absoulutly crushes Trish with a 360 seated senton. for the pin at 4:38. It made me say whoa out loud.  Go seek this match out.  Heck of a match for the 2003 women's division.

Backstage Steven Richards tells Victoria that tonight will be the beginning of new era, as tonight begins, Stevie Night Heat.  Goldust approaches and tells Stevie that he wears pink panties and that he needs to get his, "whore whore whore, hormones under control."  This is our main event but I have no access to this match so my review ends here.  If you have a link please place it in the comments for me.  Thanks for reading. 

HTPB 22.14 (Regular Season Recap)

 

We will forgo the game recaps this week and do a season in review on the eliminated teams and look ahead to the playoffs for the real men who made it.  

1. SMBR 106-76

2. LZ 104-78

3. RM 103-79

4. BNE 101-80-1

5. BL 98-84

6.BG 98-84

7. EBD 96-86

8. BB 95-87

9. HC 90-92

10. $$ 87-95

11. TC 80-101-1

12. ODS 75-107

13. TS 73-109

14. IS 67-115

Usually there is 1 team that narrowly screwed someone deserving out of the playoffs.  Not so this year as we have 3 teams giving a full Mr. Marcus level screwing to teams.  As HC, $$, and TC all cherish the butts of BNE, EBD, and BL.  BB can take solace in the fact that their record shouldn't have been so bad but they still weren't playoff team good. 

We are going to take a look at how teams would have done with someone else's schedule.  

ODS would have gone 8-6 with BL/$$ schedule and 4-10 with IS or LZ.

BB 10-4 with TC/RM 5-9 IS/BNE

BNE 10-4 with BG/LZ/$$ and 5-9 with themselves/EBD

BG 10-4 with RM and 4-10 with IS

BL 9-5 with BG/RM/$$ and 5-9 with EBD

$$ 9-5 with BL and 4-10 with IS

HC 9-5 with his own or RM and 4-10 with IS

IS 7-7 with BG and 3-10 with $$

TS 8-6 with BB/BL or 0-14 with IS

LZ 10-4 with TC/ODS and 7-7 with BNE/BB

RM 9-5 with 7 different teams and 5-9 with IS

SMBR 10-4 with $$/TS and 4-10 with IS

TC 9-5 with TC and 3-11 with LZ

The only team without a possible universe where they made the playoffs is the Italian Stallions who's 7-7 best case scenario record would have kept him home.

Everyone had a reality where they could have missed the playoff in the multiverse of madness. 

Number of Timelines where they would have made the playoffs. 

SMBR/LZ/RM 9

BL 8

BNE/BG/HC 7

BB/EBD 6

$$ 5

TC 4

ODS/TS 2

IS 0

By this metric only BNE and BL have been screwed and TC and $$$ lucky.

Using all available metrics Bricklayers and Big Nasty Express were boned in both.  While Dollars and The Collegians were shined upon by the gods in all ways. 

According to the Skynet site that determines rest of the season results based only upon results previously in the season, meaning it doesn't know guys got hurt and that our bracket reseeds, here are the championship odds

RM 58%

LZ 16%

BG 12%

HC 9%

SMBR 4%

$$ 0.02%

TC 0%

Big Nasty Express was #2 in points but was a repeated recipient of bad luck.  So bad in fact that they were eliminated with a few weeks left to go in the season.  The struggle to win a title that they drafted continues.

The Italian Stallions continue to be the worst at this stupid game.  The Toilet Bowl comes home.  

Eh Big Dude traded for the #1 pick in the draft and got two games in which Justin Jefferson left injured. 

Bay-Bay's went as the Dolphins did and continues to be the only current member of HTBP to never make the playoffs.

Is there truth to the commish curse?  The commissioner has never won a title that they drafted.  

Tinker Stinkers finally missed the playoffs after making it every year that they have been in the league.  The current longest streak is SMBR with only 3.

Bricklayers only needed 1 win in their final 3 games and managed to not score over 100 in the final 4 weeks of the season.

Regular Season Pick em Results

Bay-Bay's won for the week (6-1) and ODS went 1-6.

The Collegians ran away with the regular season title. $$$ was the worst at picking winners.  The picks continue through the post season.

Hardcore Cabinet vs Stabmyballzrepeatedly

The two of hottest teams in the league meet in the 4/5 game.

SMBR hasn't scored less than 110 points in 7 weeks but one was still a loss to Hardcore Cabinet.

Hardcore Cabinet has gone 8-2 after a rough start but two of those wins were below 100.

Dollars vs Blue Gatorade

This is the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde game as both of these teams either go crazy or come up completely lame.  We shall see who stretched before their matchup.  

Rush n' Missiles vs The Collegians

RM goes for their first win in the history of the franchise in a rematch of last week.  Can the Collegians take advantage of all of their regular season luck or have they used up all of their wishes. 

The regular season is over.  The true game begins....

Bowl Beverage Boogaloo 2023/4

 

Picks can be made here at this link.

It's the 38th Reliaquest Bowl!  Shake off that hangover and watch the Wisconsin Badgers (7-5 3rd in the Big Ten West) battle the Louisiana State University Tigers (9-3 3rd SEC West).  Enjoy watching Heisman Trophy winner Jayden Daniels stand on the sideline.  Will he be wearing a hoodie, a sweatsuit, a jersey with no pads?  The suspense in killing me.  Despite Garrett Nuismeir making his first start in his three year career, the Tigers are 10.5 point favorites.  Unfortunately you won't be getting any blooming onions in the former Outback Bowl but maybe you'll get a free MS DOS game as that is what Reliquest sounds like to me.  

It's the 53rd VRBO Fiesta Bowl! Go for a vacation in somebody's guest room or watch the Liberty Flames (13-0 Conference USA champs) battle the Oregon Ducks (11-2 runner up Pac-12)  Neither of these teams have lost a single game against anyone not name Washington.  Liberty is this year's Group of 5 New Year's Six invite.  Last year Tulane won so maybe Liberty has a chance despite one of the worst the strength of schedules in the country.  I assume Liberty is going to get bent over like former religious university president of Liberty Jerry Fallwall Jr's pool boy who both his Falwell and his wife banged.  

It's the 78th annual Cheez-It Citrus Bowl!  Cheez-It's come in original, Puff'd, Snap'D, Grooves, Duoz, Snack Mix, extra toasty, extra cheesy, cheddar jack, Big, white cheddar, whole grain, four cheese, hot and spicy, reduced fat, buffalo wing, and Scooby Doo which apparently tastes like a cartoon Great Dane and weed.  But do you know how many Cheez-It varieties are citrus based.  Fucking zero.  No orange, no lime, no lemon.  Nothing.  Anyhow it's the Iowa Hawkeyes (10-3 Big Ten Runner up) vs Tennessee Volunteers (8-4 3rd SEC East).  This bowl gets two fun facts!  The Citrus Bowl before the playoff was where the SEC runner up went and Steve Spurrier said that you can't spell Citrus without UT.  I have always found that funny.

It's the 110th Rose Bowl presented by Prudential.   Prudential makes me think about NBA on NBC and the halftime show sponsored by Prudential with Pat Riley.  Back when you got one game a week and you were glad to have it.  Even if it was that stupid ass hat Michael Jordan every time.  The Michigan Wolverines (13-0 Big Ten Champs) vs the Alabama Crimson Tide (12-1 SEC Champs). This game is stupid.  It's not even the last one for one of them.  Is there a Rose that the players eat?  Does somebody get covered in a condiment?  Is the field blue?  

Its' the 90th Allstate Sugar Bowl! It's the 13-0 Pac-12 Champ Washington Huskies vs the 12-1 Big 12 Champion Texas Longhorns.  See above.  Who gives a shit. 

It's the 56th Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl!  It's a New Year's 6 Bowl game as the Ole Miss Runnin' Rebels (10-2 2nd in the SEC West) take on the Penn State Nittany Lions (10-2 3rd in the SEC East).  The only teams that beat these two squads this year are Alabama, Georgia, Ohio State and Michigan. Luckily this game is on a Saturday or you wouldn't be able to eat Chick-Fil-A while watching the Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl.  There is a law in the works in New York to make all restaurants in state run turnpike rest stops to be open on Sunday. So maybe next year you can get Chick-Fil-A from the 7 Chick-Fil-A's on New York's turnpike on Sunday.  

It's the 25th Transperfect Music City Bowl! The Maryland Terrapins (7-5 4th in the Big Ten East) vs Auburn Tigers (6-6 5th in the SEC West).  Don't worry Jason, you are allowed to watch this game as Transperfect is a company that does translation services for companies expanding into global markets.  I have fallen in love with this game graphic that looks like a Godzilla vs Gamera style battle.  So please donate to my GoFund me to make my Aubie the Tiger vs Testudo destroy Nashville movie project.  You know you would watch that. 

It's the 90th annual Capital One Orange Bowl!  Another New Year's Six game. What's left of the Florida State Seminoles (13-0 1st ACC Champ) take on the Georgia Bulldogs (12-1 Runner-up in the SEC).  This game is going to be a massacre like Hardcore Cabinet's victories over Ogre's Death Squad and Big Nasty Express.  It won't be close like Hardcore Cabinet's victory via Latavius Murray over Tinker Stinkers.  Blue Gatorade...THIS FILE HAS EXCEEDED MAXIMUM CHARACTER LIMIT.

It's the 8th Barstool Sports Arizona Bowl! The Wyoming Cowboys (8-4 5th in the Mountain West) who have been in 3 out of the past 5 Barstool Arizona Bowls vs the Toledo Rockets (11-2 MAC runner-up).  This game will air on Barstoolsports streaming service and the CW network which in our market is CW43 WUAB.  Barstool is sports show network that feels like if Spike TV from back in the day became a sports network. This game has struggled to find a television partner and I feel like a proud papa now that it has found a home on the CW.  Wyoming is a 3.5 point favorite.

 

It's the 79th Gator Bowl from that shithole Jacksonville, Florida.  The Clemson Tigers (8-4 7th in the ACC) coached by that insufferable wind bag Dabo Sweeny faces the Kentucky Wildcats (7-5 4th in the SEC East).  TaxSlayer is an online tax filing services and I wonder how much Dabo had to pay in taxes for modeling Clemson in NIL, the Name Image and Likeness of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ as we all know, Jesus super cares if Clemson can cover 4 points in the Tax Slayer Gator Bowl especially against godless heathens like the Kentucky Wildcats.  

It's the 90th Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl!  This game is must see if for no other reason than the amazingly beautiful stadium in El Paso Texas.  It is built into the side of a mountain.  

Also it's the Notre Dame Fighting Irish (9-3) vs Oregon State Beavers (8-4 4th in the Pac-12) Next year the beavers will be in the Mountain West kind of playing a Mountain West schedule but not being eligible for the title.  It's confusing but not as confusing as a game being played on CBS at 2:00 for housewives that tuned in to see the "The Talk" a talk show featuring Amanda Kloots who went to GlenOak High School.  

It's the 65th Autozone Liberty Bowl!  The Memphis Tigers (9-3 4th in the American) invite the Iowa Hawkeyes (7-5 4th in the Big 12) and their Perry graduate head coach Matt Campbell to their home stadium.  If you blow your engine pistons getting too psyched for this matchup you can head to your local Autozone and get a replacement engine to install it yourself, which everyone reading this can totally do.  My replacement engine at Autozone would cost $5,362 for my Hyundai Tucson.  Comment below with your replacement engine cost. 

It's the 88th Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic (and the second in 2023).  It's the Ohio State Buckeyes (11-1 2nd in the Big Ten East) vs the Missouri Tigers (10-2 2nd in the SEC East despite being further West than all but two teams in the SEC)  Ohio State has already had their quarterback transfer to the Syracuse Orange.  Will Marvin Harrison Jr play?  Who knows? Who cares?  Ohio State games are joyless.  You are upset when they lose and when they win, they were supposed to.  Where is the fun in that?  Just like they are supposed to win this game as they are a 3.5 point favorite.  It is the first of the New Year's Six Bowls.  
 

It's the 34th Guaranteed Rate Bowl!  The Kansas Jayhawks are 13 point favorites (8-4 8th in the Big 12) over the University of Nevada Las Vegas Running Rebels (9-4 runner up in the Mountain West).  The game is played in Chase Field, home of the Arizona Diamondbacks which is always a fun visual.  Chase Field has pool in the stands so maybe somebody will get tackled into it.  It's a long shot but a possibility. The Jayhawk is not a real bird, it's actually an insult combining Blue Jay (because they steal other bird's nests) and a sparrow hawk (because they are deadly silent hunters) for the people who came to Kansas through Oklahoma to fight to make Kansas anti-slavery.  The anti-slavery faction took it as a badge of honor and eventually pushed out the pro-slavery faction and Kansas became a free state. Suck it slavery!

It's the 14th annual Military Bowl presented by Gobowling.com.  The Military Bowl played in Annapolis, Maryland, home of the Naval Academy features the Virginia Tech Hokies (6-6 5th in the ACC)  face the Tulane Green Wave (10-2) runner up in the American Conference.  Despite a great season, Tulane's coaches and players have all hit the transfer portal and interim coach, Slade Nagle, college football win 0 name wins all of them, looks to guide the Green Wave to the upset win (+10.5)  Can a turkey outlast a wave at the naval academy?  Tune in Wednesday at 2:00 to ESPN to find out.

It's the 22nd Duke's Mayo Bowl.  The winning coach will be doused in a bucket of mayonnaise.  Will it be Mack Brown of the North Carolina Tarheels (8-4 6th in the ACC) or Neal Brown of the West Virginia Mountaineers ( 8-4 6th in the Big 12).  Either way we are getting a Brown covered in white.  Here is South Carolina coach Shane Beamer being honored.  

It's the 44th Directv Holiday Bowl. This game is on FOX one of the handful that don't air on ESPN.  If this game was played over the summer, I couldn't watch this game on directtv as they were in a dispute with WJW for months, and currently are in a dispute with WKYC but do you think I saved a penny on my bill.  Of course not.  I keep paying DirectTV so I can watch the Cavs and Guardians, but I hate them.  Anyhoooooo, it's the Louisville Cardinals (10-3 2nd in the ACC) as 7 point favorites vs the University of Southern California Trojans (7-5 6th in the Pac-12) without presumptive #1 overall draft pick Caleb Williams.  

It's the 17th Tax Act Texas Bowl!  See the Texas A&M Aggies (7-5 4th in the SEC West) face the Oklahoma State Cowboys (8-4 runner up in the Big 12) in Houston Texas in the same stadium that the Browns just their 10th win.  Texas AM beat Ok St in the Texas Bowl in 2019, can the Cowboys get revenge.  The Cowboys coach is Mike Gundy, he is a man, he is 40.  Something Max can't say.  You ain't even close to Mike Gundy or his mullet.  

It's the 2nd Wasabi Fenway Bowl!  As the Boston College Eagles (6-6 10th in the ACC) invite the Southern Methodist Mustangs (11-2 champion of the American Conference) in a Methodists vs Catholics Holy War!  The Wasabi Fenway Bowl is going to send back relations decades.  It won't mean shit what Pope Francis has tried to do.  So get some Japanese takeout and see if SMU can cover 10 points 11 am on ESPN.

It's the 13th Pinstripe Bowl! The Rutgers Scarlet Knights (6-6 5th in the Big Ten East) cross over the bridge into NYC to face the Miami Hurricanes (7-5 9th in the ACC).  The Hurricanes have won all 11 previous meetings between the former Big East rivals.  When you have a game between two teams with vastly different levels of resources and the higher resourced team is vastly under performing, it just makes too much sense to have the game played in Yankee Stadium.  The Scarlett Knights are favored by a single point, so make sure to get your lawn mowed before 2:15 on ESPN.

It's the 34th Pop Tarts Bowl! This bowl has had a ton of names over the years, Blockbuster, Carquest, MicronPC, Tangerine, Champ Sports, Russell Athletic, Camping World, Cheez-It and now the first incarnation of the Pop Tarts Bowl.  The North Carolina State Wolfpac (9-3 3rd in the ACC) will play the Kansas State Wildcats (8-4 in 5th in the Big 12).  Nothing on the field matters as there will be a person inside an edible Pop Tarts mascot roaming the sidelines during the game that the winning team will according to Pop-Tarts press release will get to "feast on".

It's the 31st Valero Alamo Bowl!  The Arizona Wildcats (9-3 3rd in the PAC-12) face off against the Oklahoma Sooners (10-2 3rd in the Big 12).  Come celebrate the Mexican army slaughtering a bunch of Texans including Daniel Boone and Sam Bowie with some pigskin action.  The Oklahoma Sooners were scared of playing the Arizona Wildcats as they joined the SEC to play Alabama, Auburn, Ole Miss etc.. instead of having to battle incoming Arizona.  Watch Oklahoma cower in fear at 9:15 on ESPN.

It's the 17th Birmingham Bowl! The Duke Blue Devils (7-5, 8th in the ACC) and interim coach Trooper Taylor which sounds like a character on Paw Patrol battles the Troy Trojans (11-3, 1st in the Sun Belt West) and interim coach Greg Gasparato who sounds like a defensive coordinator who got promoted to head coach for the bowl game, I mean it's a spot on name, can't mess with perfection.  The game is being played at Protective Stadium which sounds like where they put kids when Big E moves within 500 feet of a school.  So gas up in the morning in Steubenville which has the closest 76 station and be home by noon on ESPN to see if Troy can cover as a 7 point favorite on ABC.  

It's the tenth Camellia Bowl!  The Arkansas Red Wolves (6-6 3rd in the Sun Belt West) are making their record third appearance in this Montgomery, Alabama based bowl will meet the Northern Illinois Huskies (6-6 2nd in the MAC West) to determine who has the best canine mascot.  This game also kicks of at noon on ESPN so we will have two games going at once, both being played in Alabama.  Alabama 44th in World News and Reports state rankings but #1 in bowl games being played at this moment. Arkansas State is a 3 point favorite but both teams are dogs.

 

It's the 21st Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl!  The James Madison University Dukes (11-1 champion of the Sun Belt East) are in their first bowl and must face the Air Force Falcons (8-4 4th in the Mountain West).  The Falcons are playing in their record, 7th Armed Forces Bowl.  Seems like an unfair advantage for Air Force to be playing in the Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl like when Ohio State played in Midwestern Tree Nut Bowl.  However JMU is a 2 point favorite. 

It's the 27th Famous Idaho Potato Bowl!  The Georgia State Panthers (6-6 5th in the Sun Belt East) head to the blue field in Boise to battle Utah State Aggies (6-6 7th in the Mountain West).  Can the Aggies stop the Blue Panther party like Forest Gump raging out after witnessing some domestic violence?  Since the game is at 3:30 on ESPN 2017 MVP can watch the game to see if the Aggies can cover 1 point before before his game that evening.

It's 25th 68 Ventures Bowl!  It's our 3rd bowl game in Alabama today alone! The Eastern Michigan Eagles (6-6 3rd in the MAC West) who have never won a game in the state of Alabama will play the South Alabama Jaguars (6-6 4th in the Sun Belt West).  The 68 Ventures Bowl will not require the Jaguars to venture even once as the game is being played in their home stadium.  The home field advantage makes them a 17 point favorite.  68 Ventures is a construction company that is working to improve the Gulf coast but the Gulf Coast doesn't need any improvements since the 68 Ventures Bowl.

It's the 31st Las Vegas Bowl!  We all are hitting the jackpot as the Northwestern Wildcats (7-5 2nd in the Big Ten West) battle the Utah Utes (8-4 5th in the Pac-12).  Northwestern bounced back from a win 1 season and having to fire the greatest coach and player in program history for allowing dudes to put things in other's dude anuses as punishment.  Kyle Wittingham, the Utes head coach, has as of yet not be implicated in any sort of butthole shenanigans and looks to remain as head coach as the team transitions to the Big 12 as a 6 point favorite.

It's the 20th Hawaii Bowl and only the second one not played on Christmas or Christmas Eve.  The San Jose State Spartans (7-5 3rd in the Mountain West) will face off with the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers (7-5 3rd in the Sun Belt East).  Easy Post sponsored the game and sponsored Coastal's coach's wife shipping all his shit out of the house after he deleted the cheerleader beach pic.  The Spartans are 9 point favorites in the game and the divorce proceedings.  

Picks can be made here at this link.

  

It's the 15th Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl!  It's the most important game named after a fictious pirate this entire year.  The University of Central Florida Golden Knights (6-6 9th in the Big 12) will play the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (6-6 4th in the ACC) in a stadium with pirate ship right there.  Amazing coincidence.  This is different from the ReliaQuest Bowl played later in bowl season but is not pirate based although there still will be a pirate ship at the stadium.  Everybody got that?  Central Florida is a 4.5 favorite.  

It's the 6th Scooter's Coffee Frisco Bowl!  The Frisco Bowl is played in the MLS stadium outside of Dallas.  The Frisco Bowl is the only bowl won by Kent State in the school's history so you know it is super important.  In this year's edition the Marshall Thundering Herd (6-6, 6th in Sun Belt East) take on the University of Texas Road Runners (8-4) who finished 3rd in the American Conference.  Who will join former Kent State quarterback Denny Crum as game MVP and parlay it into a Canadian Football League Career with 16 touchdowns for the Ottawa Redblacks which is way more CFL TD's than any of you have.  UTSA is an -11.5 favorite, but when it comes to Scooter's Coffee Frisco Bowl, the favorite is us, because a new Scooter's Coffee location has opened up in nearby Ridgeville, Ohio.

It's the 10th Roofclaim.com Boca Raton Bowl! The South Florida Bulls (6-6 finished 5th in the American Conference) head a little South to conference mate Florida Atlantic's stadium.  There are three Florida schools in the American conference, Florida Atlantic, Florida International, and South Florida.  South Florida is the most Northern most of the three.  Also joining them are the Syracuse Orange (6-6 and 11th in the ACC).  Syracuse this season had a win streak of 4 games and then a losing streak of 5 games.  They didn't beat a winning FBS team all season.  But the Roofclaim.com Boca Raton Bowl is sponsored by a storm damage insurance company so you will have a Hail of a time.  The Cuse are favored by 1.5.

Picks can be made here at this link.

It's the Famous Toastery Bowl!  It's in place of the Bahamas Bowl which this season isn't happening because the stadium is being remodeled.  So instead of a trip to the Bahamas the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (7-5, 4th in Conference USA) and the Old Dominion Monarchs (6-6, 4th in the Sun Belt East), get a trip to Charlotte, North Carolina.  Famous Toastery is a Charlotte based breakfast and lunch restaurant.  Luckily this game kicks off at 2:30 pm on ESPN because Famous Toastery closes at 3.  So enjoy your omelet and plenty of alcoholic drinks because this eatery that closes at 3 pm has a full liquor license, baby!!!   The Old Dominion Monarchs are 2.5 point favorites but the my favorite is the Sausage Gravy with two eggs and flight of mimosas, chased by an appointment with my cardiologist.  

Picks can be made here at this link.

Saturday December 16th games

It's the fourth annual Myrtle Beach Bowl! The 6-6 Georgia Southern Eagles finished last in the Sun Belt East and haven't won since before Halloween.  The Ohio Bobcats finished second in the MAC East and beat Iowa St this season but MAC player of the year QB Kurtis Rouke has entered the transfer portal. Nothing better than a little gambling before noon.  We kickoff at 11 am on ESPN with Canton's own Dustin Fox on the call.  Plus this game is played on a BLUE FIELD!!!!!!  Sit back and crack open your a cold one but make it a light beer because we've got 6 games today.

Georgia Southern is favored by 3.5

Picks can be made here at this link.

It's the 23rd R & L Carriers New Orleans Bowl!  The Louisiana Ragin' Cajuns went 6-6 and finished 5th in the Sun Belt West.  The Jacksonville State Gamecocks went 8-4 and finished 3rd in Conference USA in their first year of division 1.  Jacksonville State is coached by former Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez.  So if you Ohio State fans want to close your eyes and remember when Ohio State would beat Michigan, feel free. If for some reason you weren't watching the Myrtle Beach Bowl, the game is on ESPN at 2:15.

It's the 9th Avocados from Mexico Cure Bowl!  Flip the channel over to ABC at 3:30 because if you don't that means you are pro cancer.  How can you be on the side of cancer?  It's the Miami of Ohio Redhawks (11-2) won the MAC this year and will battle the (8-5) Appalachian State Mountaineers finished 2nd in the Sun Belt East.  App State has won 5 straight games and knocked off previously unbeaten James Madison in their last game, making them favorites by 5.5 Sneaky good matchup here.  Plus avocados are rich in fiber, healthy fats, vitamins C and E and B6!  

It's the 18th Isleta New Mexico Bowl! The New Mexico State Aggies (10-4) finished 2nd in Conference USA and have had their best season in decades are rewarded with a game in the same desert wasteland they are already in!  Let this be a lesson to never try to get better fellas.  Hard work does not payoff.  They will face off with the Fresno State Bulldogs (8-4) who finished 6th in the Mountain West.  This game is sponsored by a Native American Tribe called the Isleta.  So in exchange for living on stolen land you white devils, watch the Isleta New Mexico Bowl at 5:45 on ESPN.  The Aggies are 3.5 favorites.  

It's the 3rd StarCo Brands LA Bowl and sources have told the BBB that LA is for Los Angeles.  The UCLA Bruins (7-5) which the same sources have verified that UCLA is in LA finished 8th in the final season for the PAC-12.  The Boise State Broncos won the Mountain West which is the top Rocky Mountain based conference this side of the Mississippi River. This game was formerly sponsored by Jimmy Kimmel and there would be shenanigans.  This year it's sponsored by StarCo Brands which sounds like something Willie Coyote would switch to after Acme went out of business.  It's a chemical company that is paying Rob Gronkowski to host the game so expect shenanigans but without polish so make sure you tune to ABC at 7:30 with UCLA a 2.5 point favorite.  

It's time for the 47th Independence Bowl presented by Radiance Technologies.  The California Golden Bears (6-6) finished 7th in the PAC-12 and will battle the 6-6 Texas Tech Red Raiders who finished 7th in the Big 12.  We've got a crowd pleaser in our night cap kicking off at 9:15 on ESPN as both teams are the rare and delightful two named mascots, always a crowd pleaser. Califonia despite their mediocre record only lost to teams that were ranked at the time and a road loss at Auburn.  It's rematch of the 2004 Holiday Bowl and we all remember that classic.  Can Texas Tech cover as three point favorites?  Can your buttocks heal from the bed sores of sitting on the couch for over 13 hours of football?  

It's the 9th Quick Lane Bowl!  It's featuring the only team with a losing record Minnesota Golden Gophers (5-7 5th in the Big 10 West) who take their best graduation rate of any 5 team in the nation to Detroit to battle the Bowling Green Falcons (7-5 3rd in the MAC East).  Minnesota is a 3.5 point favorite probably because they are so smart. The Bobcats have already proven that they can defeat a mediocre power 5 team with a victory over Georgia Tech.  A fun way to pass the post Christmas blues is discussing with your family which will be higher the number of minutes it takes to get a full service at your local Quick Lane at Diehl in Massillon or Harold Fannin Jr receiving yards.  Let me know your pick in the comments sections below.  It helps with traction.  

It's the 14th ServPro First Responder Bowl!  The Texas State Bobcats (7-5 second in the Sun Belt West) will face the Rice Owls (6-6 6th place in the American--oh no the Rice Owls have the mark of the beast.  That's why owls heads can turn all the way around!! It's Satan!!!)   Rice University was founded by a Massachusetts business man named William Marshall Rice that decreed that his wealth would be used to start a school in Texas.  WMR was murdered by his lawyer and butler and changed his will that they got all the money.  Their plot was discovered because the lawyer wrote a huge check to himself from WMR the day he died and spelled the name wrong.  They chloroformed him to death in his sleep.  After the arrest the money went back to founding Rice University which led directly to these two Texas schools playing in Texas giving you something to do at 5:30 on Tuesday. Texas State is favored 4.5 over the chloroform Owls.