HTPB 24.2

                                                         

 Usually the league is full of parity.  Not so far this year with so many winless and undefeated teams.  Will it continue?  The Power Rankings won't be debuting this week as their isn't enough data, so way to get everyone's hopes up this morning, Big E.  

Bricklayers 101.43 beat Italian Stallions 86.38

(Rocky Balboa stands in the ring being pelts by Lego bricks)

It wasn't pretty as a game between the last two toilet bowl winners would be.  When a game features 4 Jaguars, it's not for the feint of heart.  Bricklayers gets a leg up on this race to avoid the bottom.  The Loins are the lone team to have not cracked 100 and are in driver's seat for another toilet after last year's blip.  Although when it's heading to the toilet bowl, it's more like tied up in the trunk than the driver's seat.  

Big Nasty Express 122.30 defeats Ogre's Death Squad 92.15

(A train held together with duct tape and sadness runs over Shrek in a New York Jets Jersey)

Ogre's Death Squad was undone by Justin Fields, the lone QB on his roster, who both suffered possible brain trauma. Fields on Sunday and ODS on draft day.  BNE was able to overcome losing Worthy, Mixon, and Purdy to get 123 points with a well rounded attack led by Buffalo D as Fields was the gift that gave both ways.  

Bay-Bay's 156.97 defeat The Collegians 106.07

(A mountie arrests a college graduate and takes him to jail on horseback)

Bay-Bay's is off to a 2-0 start which is 33% of the way to his best record ever in the league.  (that's 6 wins if math is difficult for you)  The dream's of a repeat championship are not very vivid right now.  Right now the collegians are dreaming about just getting a win.  The Collegians did however score 3 times as much as week 1.    Bay-Bay's won the little brother bowl.  

Hardcore Cabinet 103.53 vs Rush'n Missiles 100.03

(One teacher happily holds a bag of gummies while the other teacher is sad and only gets a water bottle with tobacco spit)

The closest game of the week came down to a Jordan Reed injury.  Josh Allen led the Bills to 30 points but didn't score himself as he let James Cook handle that.  RM said that HC draft was disappointing and his team was second rate.  Aged like cheese.  Luckily RM parlayed his loss with some European soccer and Korean baseball on his wife's Draft Kings account.  Hardcore Cabinet pulls off the Texas two step of people who sleep with Kevin's sisters.

Tinker Stinkers 119 defeats Blue Gatorade 101.77

(A dwarf unsatisfied by his Arby's smokes a bald college kid with an apple in his mouth like a pig on s pit.)

I had to add "mannequin" so it would work within terms and conditions

Lamar Jackson ripped through the Browns like Jason rips through a pork butt and lead the Stinkers to victory.  He keeps his hold on to first place while BG keeps his hold on Godwin on a active roster spot instead of using the IR spot.  The Stinkers continue to roll through the competition after being declared the favorite last week so anything less than his first championship will be a crushing disappointment.  As BG's father, I more than anyone understand crushing disappointment.  

                                       Eh Big Dude 103.47 defeats StabmyBalzrepeatedly 98.93

(Jason Vorhees on crutches destroys Comic Book Guy's Shop)

Eh Big Dude continues his run through a soft schedule threading the needle of wins.  The Browns shut down Derrick Henry and when someone gets 24.50 from a kicker, getting the win is hard.  EBD running back zero philosophy has been working when matched up opponent scores 100 zero.  

                                                    Los Zapatistas 109 defeat Dollars101

         (An angry man in a Joe Burrow jersey punches a hole in drywall and on the other side is a smiling man in a sombrero.)

Dollars managed to cross the 100 threshold despite the Burrow injury.  Dollars has already transitioned like somebody at the last day of the county fair trying avoiding the toilet. With no active QB on the roster, it could look rough the rest of the way. Los Zapatistas continue their march towards their 4th straight cash out and trying to head up the all time league wins total.

EBD and BG win this week with 5 correct guesses.  The rear was filled with 2-5 records from IS, ODS, RM, and TC.  EBD is our overall leader and IS is at the bottom.  Full results available here.

                                                                 Game of the week 

                                                    #2 Bay-Bay's vs #6 Rush'n Missiles

                                                                    HC vs BG

                                                                    EBD vs TC

                                                                    BNE vs LZ

                                                                    BL vs SMBR

                                                                    $$ vs TS

                                                                    

                                                                   Toilet Bowl Game

                                              #13 Italian Stallions vs #11 Ogre's Death Squad

Good luck next week.  

                                                    

HTPB 24.1

 

Welcome back HTPB fans!  It's time for season 24!  The Lone Wolves are the top three in the standings with actual lone wolves taking the next three spots.  Goons are 0fer, and AOE only has a win because one got to beat another. 

(A giant hammer drives a nail into a Stallion)

Hardcore Cabinet 105 defeats Italian Stallions 75

Death, taxes, and Hardcore Cabinet defeating The Loins.  For the 14th straight regular season, Italian Stallions lost to Hardcore Cabinet.  The Loins have been crowing about their victory in the third place game last season, but listen very closely to this finely crafted sentence that is 100% accurate.  The Italian Stallions have not defeated Hardcore Cabinet in a game that could have trophy implications since 2011.  Luckily, there is a chance at redemption for you later this season.  But unlikely.

(A man with a small head bullies a little girl basketball player while her bald brother gets ready to defend her.)

Blue Gatorade 112 defeats Bricklayers 100

Bricklayers began their Sunday by sicking their squad of older girls against a poor helpless little angel on the basketball court.  However like a good big brother, Blue Gatorade rushed to defend his little sister against such a bully.  With only 19 points combined out of the Jags stack in a good game for Jacksonville, it could be a long season for the Layers.  Blue Gatorade unlike that piece of cow dung, Jimmy Haslem, stuck with Baker Mayfield to the tune of 27 points.

(A mountie steals a toy train)

Bay-Bay's 100 defeats Big Nasty Express 87

In a matchup of two teams that have traditionally been the moveable object and resistible force, Bay-Bay's has made off with a win to start his season.  What week will the bottom fall out this year?  Stay tuned.  The Express got destroyed more in Primetime games than Primetime's toes and bladder.   Already losing Worthy for a significant stretch of time could spell another season sifting through BNE's fingers like sands of the hour glass. Things don't look to be getting any better for the BNE family as Alex was guillotined this week in the league that his father started.  Generational fantasy poverty is a problem in this country.  

(A homeless man clutches a football trophy in his cardboard box while a man in a sombrero laughs at him)

Los Zapatistas 120 defeat The Collegians 45

The Collegians championship defense started with a whimper.  Not a single player scored double digits for the The Collegians.  Hall and Herbert alone would have produced a win for The Shoes.  Zapatistas has cashed 3 years in a row and looks to continue his hot streak.  Can he overcome the Kittle injury?

(Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler having a slap fight while wearing sundresses.)

                                                                    I can’t create that image.

But if you’d like something fun and surreal in a similar playful spirit, I could make a picture of two generic dictators in vintage sundresses having a silly slap-fight cartoon style. That way you get the humor and absurdity without using real-world figures tied to atrocities.

Want me to make that version?

So I said yes and it literally gave me the exact thing it said I couldn't have.  

Eh Big Dude 98 defeats Dollars 72

The defenses did most of the light lifting that was needed in this matchup.  The D's accounted for 21% of the matchup's total points.  Dollars playoff predictions got off to a rocky start as well as Hardcore Cabinet was the only of his 7 to get a win in week 1.  EBD gets a win in week 1 despite retiring from the league after last season.    

(Dwarf wrapped in a meat blanket standing victorious over a beaten Comic Book guy from the Simpsons after an epic battle in the roman colosseum.)

Yeah I know it's more Chief Wiggum than Comic Book Guy, but boy howdy check out that meat blanket.

Tinker Stinkers 142 defeats StabmyBalzrepeatedly 137

A high scoring matchup featuring fantasy studs like Mahomes and Henry vs Jackson and CMC led to lots of fireworks.  Both squads have planted their flags in the ground to be reckoned with this season.  Tinker Stinkers put up a league high point total with only 4 TD's.  Impressive and should be giving the rest of the league night terror sweats to go with Jason's usual meat sweats.  

(A shirtless Vladimir Putin rides Shrek like a pony)

Rush'n Missiles 125 Ogre's Death Squad 124

In a finally margin smaller than the space between ODS's front teeth, but so was the margin in LZ vs TC.  Josh Allen's huge day led the way for RM as he raked in 40 points.  ODS QB Fields also had a big day but that feels less sustainable.  Did ODS waste his opportunity to capitalize like just missing the ice cream truck?  Not for the cool sugary refreshments but for the conglomeration of children.  RM breaks his 100 point cherry early.  

 

To recap last year, HC won with 65 LZ was last with 45

This year's records can be found here.

Our Clubhouse leaders are EBD and LZ with 5-2 records. The real story is the amount of zeros.  $$$, BNE, and IS all went winless.  They are also 3 of the bottom 4 of the standings after 1 week.  Coincidence?  I think not.  

No power rankings yet, but put your bets in what week BNE and BL complain that their team FEELS like it's better than the data says so they get offended, but rest easy you two, both in real life and in math you deserved to lose this week.  

Game of the Week 

#1 Tinker Stinkers vs #4 Blue Gatorade

#2 RM vs #5 HC

#9 ODS vs #11 BNE

#6 BB vs #14 TC

#13 $$ vs #3 LZ

#7 EBD vs #8 SMBR

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week featuring ironically the last two Toilet Bowl "winners"

#10 Bricklayers vs #12 Italian Stallions

Good luck next week.

If you enjoy my take in fake football, you may also enjoy my takes on fake fighting.  This Friday my very own podcast on the North South Connection Network debuts.  So check out Ruthless as I take a week by week look at wrestling 20 years ago, with the same humor you have come to know here. 

2025 Dollars Playoff Predictions

 

Dollars Playoff Picks 2025

ODS

After being a playoff pick last year then missing the playoffs here we are again. I guess I just like the way ODS drafts. Gibbs and Achane a pair of high upside PPR RBs is my favorite start among everyone’s draft! JSN, Sutton, Meyers, Pearsall and Jayden Higgins are a nice mix of WRs that give him a nice floor with chance for some upside. Njoku in the 7th is another pick I like especially with Flacco starting. Another year of waiting on QB ODS takes Fields in the 9th and pairs him with Goff in the 13th. Both have been productive fantasy QBs. Playing matchups can be tricky, should be fun watching Ogre shoot himself in the foot a couple times this season.

Bricklayers

Here is my other failed playoff pick from last season. Not only missed the playoffs but decided to go ahead and take home the toilet bowl as well. With the 13th pick in the first round Brick started his 2025 redeem team build with Brian Thomas jr. Chase Brown in the 2nd one of my favorite picks of the draft. TreVeyon Henderson in the 3rd, volume is a question but the talent is not. Filled out his WRs in rounds 4-7 Mike Evans, Calvin Ridley, Debo and Addison. Late round QB strategy landed him Drake Maye in the 9th and Trevor Lawrence in the 12th which gives him a pair of stacks to choose from. Excellent value on TE Tucker Kraft in the 10th round.

The Collegians

The champ is here! TC has cemented himself in the upper echelon of the league. A perennial contender and looking at this draft I see another competitive year. Nico, AJ Brown and Davante Adams Drafted in the first four rounds. This looks like the best WR trio coming out of the draft and a solid starting point for this build. He got good value on Kennith Walker in the 3rd and Tony Pollard in the 5th. Walker has been incredible when not injured and Pollard should have plenty of Volume on an improved Titans team. Think he went a round early on both Bo Nix in the 6th and Evan Engram in the 7th. Gotta get your guys and this gives him his stack. The stack he had last year carried him to the championship.

Hardcore Cabinet

A playoff pick one other time that I can remember. More often than not I don’t care for HC’s draft. Yet he continues to prove me wrong time and again. Stating this draft with Aston Jeanty then selecting James Cook in the 3rd. A very nice 1-2 punch at RB and I also like the Bill Croskey pick because I want a piece of that offense. Looking at this group of WRs Tee Higgins and DK Metcalf are a strong start! Jerry Jeudy may pay off his 5th round cost with the amount of targets he should get. Really like the Rome Odunzae upside pick in the 6th and great value in the 8th with Khalil Shakir. Kyler Murray and Jordan Love are two of my favorite late round QBs going into this year.

Italian Stallions

Coming off a successful season Dom is back putting together another impressive draft. Was able to land Jonathan Taylor in the second round. A talented workhorse RB really makes this build work. At WR Ceedee, Marvin Harrison, Jamison Williams, DeVonte Smith and Travis Hunter. Any game any one of these guys could pop off for 20+ and no one would be surprised. Waited on QB but went early enough to complete the Dak - Ceedee stack. Just another way this team can bury you! Lacking in RB depth and having Kyle Pitts as your TE are mild concerns.

Big Nasty Express

The last spot was just claimed by BNE post Brock Purdy trade. I now have BNE edging out Los Zapatista for the final playoff spot. Was this spot part of the trade? Though these spots are extremely coveted I can assure you I would have at least gotten a better deal if that were the case. During draft day grades I voiced concern over Tyreek Hill. I don’t think he will return to 2023 form but should be better than last year. I am on board with this group of talented young WRs Tetairoa McMillian, Xavier Worthy, Matthew Golden and Rashid Shaheed! Arguments can be made for both Bijan and Trey McBride to finish #1 at their respective positions. I even like the shots he took on Dalton Kincaid (post hype sleeper) and Caleb Williams. With Brock Purdy stabilizing this team at the QB position

Good luck to everyone this season. Honestly didn’t think there was a draft that looked terrible and it is anyone’s year. You guys are all savvy GMs and I love the competition and banter between everyone.

Mr. Perfect with the Genius vs Brutus the Barber Beefcake from Wrestlemania 6: 4/1/90

     

        Sean Mooney is confused as to what Beefcake is doing as he looks at the papers that Mooney is holding for him.  Beefcake says that he is looking at Mr. Perfect's impressive record.  Mooney must not read his own notes if he had no idea what was on that paper. Lack of preparation on Mooney's part does not constitute an emergency on Beefcake's part.  I bet Todd Pettengill reads his notes.  Sloppy shop, Mooney.

Beefcake says that nobody is really perfect...everyone has flaws...everybody makes mistakes...after this match, I'll sever his perfect record at a pretty good clip...

Beefcake uses his shears to try to cut the notes that Mooney is holding, only to miss on the first cut and barely cut a corner of the papers on attempt number 2.  Actually proving the point of his promo that everyone makes mistakes.  Beefcake with a masters class is the subtle promo here, which I am sure was his intent.

    Beefcake then cackles and cuts, but we get no struts.

We return to the ring and The Genius is introducing Mr. Perfect.  Perfect heads down in the ring cart with his great theme song filling the Skydome.  Now Beefcake's underrated them song kicks up and out comes Beefcake cutting but once again not strutting as he is in the ring cart which does not have sufficient strut space.  A gentleman is shown in a Canadian Tuxedo here in Toronto.  He gives us some finger clippers and then tries to his own follicles to no avail.  

Perfect and Genius bail from the ring when Brutus enters the ring brandishing a murder weapon.  The bell rings while Perfect is still outside.  Beefcake takes his time removing his jacket and bow tie.  Perfect attacks him which since the bell rang is totally legal.  

Beefcake quickly reverses the control and nails several quick punches to Perfect's stomach.  Beefcake tosses Perfect out of the ring.  Once Perfect gets back in and tries to go on offense but Perfect lowered his head too soon for a back body drop and ate a kick to the face.  An atomic drop launches perfect out of the ring again.  Mr. P confers with the Genius to rethink their game plan.  

Once again back in the ring and then combatants resize each other up.   Perfect finally gets on the advantage with some punches, kicks, and turnbuckle shots, but Beefcake quickly reestablishes dominance.  Beefcake sends Perfect into the turnbuckle with causes, Perfect to bounce off with a somersault.  Now the Barber comes in with double ax handles, a body slam, corner punches, another turnbuckle blast, and a clothesline.  Beefcake calls for the sleeper hold. Mary Tyler Moore is shown in the crowd and she loves it.

"Who can turn the World on with his shears?

Who can take an undefeated streak and suddenly make it all worthless.

Well it's you Beefer and you should know it.

With each cut and every little strut you show it.

Hair is all around you no need to comb it.

You can have the win no need to fake it.

You're going to make it after all!!!!"

    Genius is up on the apron which distracts referee Joey Marella and Beefcake.  The Genius leaves his metal scroll in the ring.  Perfect takes this opportunity to rearrange Beefcake's face like a paragliding women's knees.  Mr. Perfect does not make a cover attempt.  Instead he keeps stomping the Barber's head.  He hits a float over neck snap for a 2 count.  Perfect gives Beefcake some kicks to the gut.  Gorilla comments on how the illegal object shot has changed this match 360 degrees.  Jesse has to educate Gorilla on how degrees work and the match has only changed 180 degrees.  

    Perfect continues the assault with a hard knife edged chop and a knee lift.  He taunts and smacks the beaten and worn down Barber.  Beefcake does a double leg take down and slingshots Perfect over the turnbuckle and Perfect hits head first on the ring post.  Knocking him unconscious.  Brutus the Barber Beefcake makes the cover and hands Mr. Perfect his first loss.  Perfect has been hoist on his own ring post instead of his petard.  

While Beefcake celebrates the big win, Genius grabs the shears and tries to sneak back to the locker room with them.  Unfortunately for the Genius, Beefcake sees this and peruses.  He takes him back into the ring and after another escape attempt, Genius goes nighty nighty thanks to the sleeper.  Perfect is too groggy to help as Genius gets his second haircut from Beefcake in 1990.  

Per Sergio's request: 4 year Power Rankings Totals

 Scoring the highest in the league every week over 4 years would have given you 725 points.

15.  1 year of Big Cat 92 (50.5% adjusted would be 5th)

14.  3 years of Bay-Bay's 221 (41% The worst adjusted for time for the 15 teams)

13. $$$ 307  my personal shocker being so low

12.  ODS 315

11. TS 316

10. CB 347

9. TC 347 with a tie

8. BG 352

7. IS 360

6. BNE 360 with a tie

.500 level 362-362-1

5. BL 369

4. SMBR 387 my personal shocker being so high

3. LZ 409

2. EBD 410

1. HC 417

No one has been above .500 all four years.  EBD, SMBR, BG, LZ, and HC have been above .500 with HC being the closest going 90-92 in his championship year of 2023.  

Tinker Stinkers has been below .500 in the power rankings each of the last 4 years.  His closest year to making it to .500 was 2022 with a 90-92 record.  

HTPB 2024 Round 1 Coverage

           Hardcore Cabinet defeats Rush 'n Missiles

A great champion as slain a lesser wolf and prepares to do battle with the Alpha wolf.

Lamar Jackson looks to carry Hardcore Cabinet to their second straight championship as he was a human anti-ballistic missile system, scoring 44 points.  Baker tried to keep pace with a healthy 34 but it was for naught.  Despite RM's 125 points, this was the most lopsided first round matchup.  RM has still never had a on profitable season in HTPB.  The league thanks him for his yearly donation. 

The Collegians defeat Eh Big Dude

A man feeds an old tree into a wood chipper named Retirement.

In a game that went back and forth on Sunday, The Collegians picked up the upset win to crash the semi finals.  Despite being outstacked 50 to 34, The Collegians used a Mike Evans and James Conner explosion to take the lead.  Can the Collegians Bengals stack torch the Browns enough to defeat #1 seed Italian Stallions to make their 5th Super Bowl?  

Los Zapatistas defeat Dollars

A wolf in a sombrero defeats a male nurse two times in a row.

Dollars will not be pulling a Buffalo Bills and losing in a record consecutive Super Bowls.  The combination of Cooper Kupp getting the goose egg and the David Montgomery injury could not be over come.  Brian Thomas had his most points of the season by double digits, was the leader for The Shoes.  The leader of the Wolves looks to finish in the money for third consecutive year.  

Loser Bracket Gift Card Giveaway

BL 123

BB 98

BNE 80

ODS 154

TS 99

Nick said he was making the bracket.  Those are your scores.  Do with those what you will.  I am very glad that Big E didn't make the playoffs because I don't think I could take him beating me with a blowup again this season.  

Pick em Results

It took for there only to be 3 games but we finally got someone to go undefeated in a week of pick em.  HC went 3-0 and remains in first place overall.  We also had our first week of someone getting the goose egg as BB and BL took the collar.  

Updated year long totals here

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/10U1yZLxPBRtqUHSNx8yUlUHe2l8aNko6d5y9UO14BRI/edit?usp=sharing

The Semi Finals are set

Los Zapatistas the last two champions battle as Los Zapatistas take on Hardcore Cabinet

The Italian Stallions hope that their bye week swoon was just perfect timing and not the bottom falling out vs The Collegians stack.

RuthlessCEE Aggresive: Heat and Velocity reviews (October 11th and 12th, 2003)

 

We start off on our Slamming Saturday Night being greeted by Josh Mathews and Taz.  

Match #1 

Rey Mysterio vs Kanyon

Kanyon backs Rey into the corner, misses some blows but takes back control with some elbows to the back of the head.  Rey ducks a few clotheslines but gets cut down with a kick to the stomach.  Josh Mathews says that Rey is like Dante Hall, the human joystick.  Haven't heard about the Chiefs kick return specialist in a long time.  Mysterio reverses a powerbomb attempt into a hurricanrana.  Rey slams Kanyon's head into each turnbuckle a few times and then the mat once for good measure.  Rey sends Kanyon into the turnbuckle and then proceeds to bust his bronco. Kanyon lands on the middle rope after a drop toe hold, but wisely bails before the 619 can be hit.  Rey hits him with a drop kick through the ropes instead.  Rey goes for a dive outside but Kanyon catches him and tosses him into the barricade.  Kanyon puts him up against the ring post in the ring and crushes him with a baseball slide. Kanyon then grabs Rey's head and legs and folds him around the post some more.  Kanyon gets a 2 count.  Kayon buries his knee into Rey's spine for a submission attempt.  Rey almost escapes twice only to get taken back down into the hold.  Mysterio finally does break free and goes for a tilt-a-whirl only for Kanyon to catch him with a vertical suplex for another 2 count.  Mysterio slides down Kanyon's back and hits a reverse DDT for a near fall.  Rey crawls between Kayon's legs for a quick kick to the knee and then a baseball slide into the groin.  Rey goes to the top for a seated senton for a two count.  Kanyon catches Rey on a another dive attempt and takes two back breakers.  Kanyon tries to get the cover with his feet on the ropes, but the referee catches him.  They fight with Rey on the apron.  Rey climbs the ropes and bulldogs Kanyon on to the second rope on the other side of the ring in a really cool spot that I don't remember ever seeing before.  Mysterio hits the 619 and the west coast pop to gain the win in 7:22 (*** 1/2)

Match #2 

Matt Hardy vs Tyson Dux

Tyson Dux gets an entrance.  He does some weird convulsion dance that Tazz and Josh are fans of from a previous match.  Dux had several dark matches at TV tapings but he last was televised from the previous October in a loss to Chavo on Velocity.  Dux starts out in control with a snap mare and drop kick.  He mocks the V1 hand signal and yell and hits a head scissors for a 2 count.  Matt catches Dux for a side effect, snake eyes, and leaping clothesline. Hardy stands on Dux's head but surprises Hardy with a roll up for 2.  Hardy locks in an arm stretch, but Dux escapes and hits a DDT to put both men down.  Dux is up first and hits Hardy with a drop kick.  Dux heads to the top for a crossbody and Hardy kicks out at 2.  Dux starts move epilictic dancing and mocking of V1.  He heads back to the top where Hardy cuts him off with some punches and takes him out with a top rope Twist of Fate for the win in 4:32. (*3/4)

Match #3

Billy Kidman vs Bobby Rude in a purple cape

Kidman starts with a hurricanrana in the ring and follows it up with hurricarana to the floor.  Kidman attempts a dive to the outside but misses.  Rude lays in the boots and tosses him into the barricade. Rude tosses him back into the ring for some elbow drops.  Kidman fires back but gets cut down with an underhook suplex.  Kidman comes back again this time with a dropkick, flying forearm, clothesline, back body drop, but gets caught with a tilt-a-whirl back breaker.   Kidman escapes a suplex and gets a roll up for two.  A glorious spinebuster by Rude.  Kidman hits a enziguri that puts Rude's lights out and follows it up with a shooting star press for the win in 4:24. (**)

In the back, Matt Hardy says that he is so proud of Shannon because of his win over Zach Gowen on Thursday on Smackdown.  He is going to reward him with a special gift this week on Smackdown.  

Match #4

Charlie Haas vs Funaki

Haas take Funaki down with a headlock and controls Funaki on the mat.  They trade leg sweeps and pin attempts.  Funaki gets mowed down by a clothesline.  Funaki chops back but gets caught and face planted on the top turnbuckle and then Haas crushes him with a back breaker.  Haas sends him into the corner with a hard irish whip.  Hass then locks in an arm bar.  Funaki fights free and hits a neck breaker.  Then Funaki has a flurry of a reverse DDT, dropkick, and a bulldog but only gets a near fall.  Funaki goes for a crossbody but Haas rolls through for a 2 count.  Haas pushes Funaki off of a Rising Sun DDT attempt and locks in the Haas of Pain for the submission for the victory in 5:15. (*3/4)

It's time for Heat as we are greeted by Al Snow and The Coach.  

Match #1

Test with sad Stacy Keibler vs Tommy Dreamer with an emotionless Singapore cane

Test starts out with a body slam but misses the big elbow drop.  Tommy Dreamer does a weird strut that Stacy and our commentary team make seem like is mocking Test, but I don't get it.  Dreamer tosses Test over the top after dodging a charge.  Dreamer hits him with a baseball slide.  On the outside, Test pulls Stacy in front of him as a human shield.  Test uses the distraction to impale Tommy on his testicles on the barricade.  Test tosses Dreamer back in the ring and hits some heavy corner running clotheslines.  He celebrates with some jumping jacks.  Test attacks with a body slam but his top rope double ax handle is met with a boot.  Tommy gets his first sequence of the match with a neck breaker and a Russian Leg Sweep.  Test gets back the advantage with a full nelson slam.  Test goes for the big boot but Stacy grabs his leg to prevent it.  Stacy surprisingly hangs Test's throat on the top rope. Test stumbles into a dreamer bomb for a near fall.  Keibler tells Dreamer that he should hit a flip off the top rope onto Test and he agrees with this plan, showing that neither one of them has ever watched a Tommy Dreamer match in their lives.  Test kicks the ref into the ropes and Tommy does damage to his testicles yet again.  Test goes for the cover and tries to put his feet on the ropes but Stacy knocks them off.  Test grabs Tommy's kendo stick and goes to blast Tommy with it but Stacy enters the ring and tries to disarm him.  Test goes to crack Stacy with the weapon but Tommy successfully disarms him.  Dreamer goes to hit Test but the big man moves and Tommy pulls up before he hits Stacy.  The momentary lapse in judgment allows Test to hit the big boot and get the win in 4:47. (*1/2)

Teri interviews Val Venis.  She asks about why Val had a camera last week.  He makes some comments about how they used to hook up back in the day and then explains that he has started his own adult movie company.  Venis Video Productions.  He is looking for hot chicks to be in his movies but since he will behind the camera he is also looking for the next Great American Super Stud.  He says Great American Super Stud several times. I did not know this was the specific name for this role.  He will be going all over America to find them so every one should be getting ready for the camera.  

Match #2

Val Venis vs Eric Young

Val and Eric trade arm bars to start.  Val bring him down and wrenches on the arm a bit more.  Val hits a shoulder block and a Russian leg sweep which is mixed in with a few knees to the midsection.  Eric Young gets in control with a DDT, back body drop, and back breaker.  The advantage is short lived as Val takes back over with a clothesline flurry, back body drop and finishes the Canadian with a Money Shot in 4:08. (*)

Match #3

The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray and Devon) defend the World Tag Team Titles vs La Restiance (Rob Conway, Renee Dupree with Sylvain Grenier)

 

The Dudleys make quick tags to start and dominate Rene Dupree with strikes.  Loud "USA" chants from the crowd.  Eventually the heels corner Devon and get their own set of quick tags and strikes.  Devon breaks free with a spinning elbow and body slam.  All four men in the ring as Bubba squishes both heels in the corner and Las Resistance bails before we head to commercial break.

Back from commercial, Dupree and Bubba are the legal men as we return.  The non legal heels grab Bubba by the feet and crush his testicles on the ring post, not a great night to be an ex ECW wrestlers' testicles.  Dupree hits a back body drop on Bubba and this sets the heels up for several more quick tags and strikes followed by a Dupree neck vice.  Eventually Conway hooks in a sleeper but Bubba hits a belly to back suplex to spring free.  He makes the tag but the heels have distracted the referee so he doesn't let Devon in the ring.  Bubba immediately hits a desperation Bubba bomb and this time the ref sees the hot tag.  Devon comes in and hits a few slams and clotheslines on the heels.  Bubba blind tags back in and they go for the 3D but are unable to hit it, but settle for a reversed 3D but the count is broken up.  Sylvain gets on the apron and distracts the referee but the plan backfires as the Devon hits the Wazzzup head butt splash.  Bubba inquires to Devon if would locate the tables because they must have company coming over for dinner.  When Devon gets under the ring, Sylvain wipes him out.  In the ring Conway accidently hits Sylvain when he heads up on the apron.  Dupree take over Bubba in the ring but Devon has recovered and sneaks in for the 3D to pick up the victory in 6:47 (**1/4).

Will someone cash in on the bounty on Bill Goldberg?  Tune in tomorrow night.