HTPB 24.10

 

Happy Veteran's Day and big thank you to Jesse and Dan.  What a couple of unpatriotic American hating assholes Dom and Jason are.  In other playoff based news, Blue Gatorade, Bricklayers, Collegians, and Italian Stallions have been mathematically eliminated from getting a first round bye but spots 2-7 are still possible.  

Rush'n Missiles 119 defeat Big Nasty Express 101

(A red bearded hill person attempts to set his computer to auto draft but accidently launches a barrage of cold war era missiles.)

The Express lost the game and Kincaid, while leaving a giant 28 performance by the Jets on the bench.  One would have to ask one's self, "Self, if I'm not playing the Jets against the Browns, why pray tell are they on my roster?"  RM won despite a zero from DJ Moore, which you can do with 44 points from the defense/kicker combo from the Pugent Sound.  RM now enters a Charmin soft stretch in his schedule of Loins, $$, BG before wrapping up the year with SMBR.  Not making the playoffs would be an epic collapse.  

Hardcore Cabinet 108 defeats Eh Big Dude 101

A flat bed truck from Hardcore Lumber hauls away cutdown trees with Jason masks

Eh Big Dude has now gone 0-3 since saying that his remaining schedule which hasn't even included the two teams he said were good.  Hardcore Cabinet continues to eke out victories with middling point totals to the point where he has landed in first place. With games against both of the 3 loss teams remaining could the black magic continue to give him a first round bye or will reality finally come calling?

Italian Stallions 143 defeat Dollars 79

Johnathan Taylor runs through a mass of male nurses and when he hits them dollar bills go flying.

Johnathan Taylor continues to just lay waste to the league with his 4th three touchdown game, this time to the tune of 56 points.  If only the rest of the team was better, IS could be a force, but don't look now, IS is only two games back of the final playoff spot.  But do look now at Taylor on a bye next week and a tough stretch of RM, SMBR, and LZ, it seems unlikely. It's becoming a race to the bottom to see which will have a worse season, Dollars or Dollar picks.  Dollars winning percentage is 40% and Dollars playoff picks are at 28%.

Ogre's Death Squad 144 defeat Los Zapatistas 131

Shrek defeats a man in a sombrero in boxing match, the man in the sombrero should have a brown liquid on his shorts and lower back. 

Can you imagine ODS if they have consistent QB play?  The Seahawks got out to such a quick huge lead that they only ran 5 pass plays the final 3 quarters.  ODS didn't need it with 79 points from Achane and Gibbs.  Los Zapatistas continues to put massive point totals, having only score less than 120 once since week 4.  With a huge game for the bye next week, can LZ pick up the win and cruise to a week off in the playoffs?

Blue Gatorade 113 defeats StabmyBalzrepeatedly 105

 A bald college kid celebrates on a bar with a 21st birthday hat, while a man in a hoodie opens up Magic the Gathering packs with a single tear streaming down his face.  

Don't look now but Blue Gatorade is riding a two game winning streak to take him all the way to still last place.  Brissett logs 21 points in junk time and the Miami defense signing shortly before kickoff gave him 21 as well. 21 is the number of the week as BG turned 21 on Monday and proof of life has not been confirmed as of the time of publication.  Penix played like his last letter was "s" in place of Mahomes snapping SMBR win streak.  The point total should win any tie breaks SMBR to make the playoffs but still needs to get some more wins.  

Tinker Stinker 123 defeats Bay-Bay's 73

A tiny man runs with a tray of meat and a stolen Canadian flag while a unit of pathetic Mounties give chase.

Bay-Bay's was more Ew, Canada this week.  Can BB's finally make the playoffs.  Yahoo doesn't think so.  Could another failure season be in the books for the team with the most seasons in league history without a playoff appearance?  Tinker Stinkers snaps a three game slide to get his playoff footing on sturdier ground, but 3/4th of TS remaining games are against teams with playoff hopes.  

Bricklayers 123 defeat Collegians 90

A college graduate sadly must exchange a football trophy for a golden toilet at on Pawn Shop run by a man with giant gelled hair called Mary Ann's Pawn Shop: "We buy your dreams for Boston Creams"

Bricklayers knows what The Collegians are going through with a terrible season right after winning it all for a third time.  Hardcore has made the playoffs every season since getting #3 so it is possible.  Bo Nix has been turning back into a pumpkin and the rest of the Collegians including first round letdown Brown couldn't pick up the slack.  Bricklayers looks to avoid back to back toiletries but his banged up squad facing an absolute gauntlet the next few weeks of ODS, LZ, and TS.  

This week BG went from pathetic to first with a 6-1 record.  It moved him out of last place overall and returned Dollars to the basement.  Dollars likes being down there anyhow so he can play Call of Duty in his night vision goggles with Kyler Murray.  Several teams finished 3-4 this week, and EBD holds off SMBR to maintain his overall lead.  See the full standings here.

The favorites

1. LZ 96-34

2. TS 91-39

A reasonable shot

3. RM 78-52

4. SMBR 74-56

5. ODS 73-57

A punchers chance

6. EBD

7. TC 63-67

8. HC 62-68

9. IS 60-70

Bad

10. $$ 53-77

11. BB 52-78

12. BL 52-78

13. BNE 52-78

Won two in a row and still is epically far behind

14. BG 38-92

(Fun fact BG is leading the league with getting 97% of his roster's maximum points.  So this is the most anyone could have gotten out of this roster.  So great coaching job, if only the GM wasn't so terrible. 

Skynet says LZ is 100% lock.  Other squads with an above 97% playoff likelihood are HC, ODS, TS, RM.

Other playoff odds

SMBR 88

EBD 51

BB 37

BNE 18

TC 3

$$ 3

IS 1

BL/BG infinitesimal

Toilet Odds

BG 47 BL 22 IS 12 TC 11 $$ 5

It's not usually that many teams with a shot at it with a month to go.

Game of the Week

#1 Hardcore Cabinet vs #2 Los Zapatistas

#3 ODS vs #13 BL

#9 BNE vs TC #12

#10 $$ vs #6 SMBR

#7 EBD vs #4 TS

#11 IS vs #5 RM

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#8 Bay-Bay's vs #14 Blue Gatorade

 

HTPB 24.9

    

The chat was dead but the games were crazy.  Most of the scoring was contained in two matchups as those two games contained our top 4 scoring teams of the week.  Hopefully I was able to bring enough insight, math, and chuckles to the league this week, Mr. Commissioner.  

Big Nasty Express 112 defeats Dollars 90

A man with a red beard holds on to a steam engine to escape after robbing a male nurse of his burlap sack with a dollar sign on it.

Joe Flacco tried to carry Dollars from the morass but he couldn't overcome the second time this season that Dollars was involved in a Jamar Chase and Brock Bowers trade the and the other one exploded.  Dollars started Emanuel Wilson at the running back position and reaped a splendid 2 point performance.  Dollars has used duct tape and guile to get to 4 wins this season but it may be too much to make the playoffs with this squad. The Express is somehow 5-4 could get this team into the playoffs but with a schedule that includes, TS, RM, and SMBR that may be a tall order.  

Hardcore Cabinet 94 defeats Bricklayers 87

A man with 3 football trophies is next to a sad man with multiple golden toilets and giant gelled hair.

Despite Rome Oduze getting a goose egg and Jordan Love only getting 7 points, Hardcore Cabinet was able to use his championship instincts to get the win.  Bricklayers have lost Kraft for the season it's appropriate as this has been a box mac and cheese level season for Bricklayers.  Hardcore Cabinet (173) now pulls within one win of the Bricklayers (174) for the most wins in league history.  

Los Zapatistas 143 defeat Tinker Stinkers 137

A wolf in a sombrero takes a dwarf in a birthday hat into the woods to eat him and his plate of meat.

The game of the week did not disappoint as haymakers were tossed from Lamar and CMC against Herbert and London. Unfortunately for the birthday boy he didn't have anyone crack the 20 point barrier like LZ's Monangai filling in for an injured Swift.  Tinker Stinkers shouldn't worry however that despite the 4 losses their schedule that is easier than league average the rest of the way and an impressive point total, the playoffs seem easily attainable.  Los Zapatistas look to get that bye locked down with an upcoming meeting with fellow 7-2 squad Hardcore Cabinet.  

StabmyBalzRepeatedly 111 defeat The Collegians 91

A man dressed in for a Hawaiian Luau whispers into the ear of a bearded man in a black hoodie while a college graduate cries in the background.

SMBR wins their fourth in a row and with a remaining schedule that includes BG, $$, IS, and BNE that streak will be favored to extend for awhile.  He was able to overcome the 8 points from Mahomes with 6 double digit performers including 18 from our broken ass kicker scoring system. The Collegians haven't given up becoming the first repeat champ in league history and with a remaining schedule of BL, BNE, BG, $$, and IS a late run into the playoffs isn't out of the question.  

Rush n' Missiles 139 defeat Eh Big Dude 137

Vladamir Putin is riding a tank firing missiles at an army of anthropomorphic trees which are running in fear.

Brock Bowers tried to pull off the win 37 points in his first game back on EBD, but Jayden Daniels missed out the likely 2 points from junk time because his injury.  Puka returned to the lineup for RM and then left it with another injury but not before getting 18 points.  Jared Allen continues to rack up rushing touchdowns, that should have been James Cook.  (Am I doing this right, Steve?)  The win leaps RM ahead of EBD in the standings but still hold the final two playoff spots. 

Ogre's Death Squad 119 defeat Bay-Bay's 105

Shrek has Adam Cole in a gorilla press in a wrestling match.  

AI thought a gorilla press was bear hug and put a Teddy Bear in it, but I like it.  Do you want to learn the difference between a gorilla press and a bear hug and enjoy the humor you read here?  Check out the Ruthless podcast available here.

ODS has won 6 of 7 games to find themselves in 3rd place which has got to be on of the best commissioner performances in league history.  Speaking of all time performances, BB's is two wins away from his best season ever, which yes is just a .500 record.  Just average.  Sam Darnold threw more TD's in the first half than BB's whole team scored in the game.  ODS hasn't made this playoffs since 2020 and BB's has never done so.  Could this be the year?

Blue Gatorade 99 defeat Italian Stallions 85

A herd of stallions are being washed down a raging river of blue sports drink while a hairless college kid cackles from the inside of a dumpster.

Blue Gatorade was led by Jacoby Brissett, yes Jacoby Brissett and the Titans defense, yes the Titans defense to get the win over Italian Stallions.  The Loins may have finally broken the curse of Hardcore Cabinet last week but he may have unleashed the black magic to be absorbed by the son to wreck havoc about the Loins for another decade.  The battle for the toilet just got interesting with these two and also featuring Bricklayers plus a special cameo appearance by the Collegians.  The bottom of standings are going to be interesting the rest of the way. 

This week Los Zapatistas had high score, is in first place, and went 7-0 in picks.  Even being the only owner to call the BG upset.  Speaking of BG, he came in last again with only 2 correct. All it took was four straight weeks of getting 2 or less for BG to finally fall into last place in pick em as well.  EBD maintains his overall lead over SMBR.  Check out all your weeks here.

1. LZ 85-32

2. TS 81-36

3. RM 70-47

4. SMBR 69-48

5. EBD 63-54

6. TC 61-56

7. ODS 60-57

8. HC 56-61

9. BB 55-65

10. $$ 52-65

11. IS 48-69

12. BNE 48-69

13. BL 43-74

14. BG 31-86

Hardcore Cabinet has been the luckiest being 6 spots ahead and should be just outside the playoffs, while TC should be in the playoffs but TC all over the place season with sky high highs and cratering lows may be malfunctioning the system.  A solid score in HTPB is 100-110.  TC has fallen into that range just 3 times. Nuts.

Our computer overlords have decreed that these teams have a 90%+ chance of making the playoffs

LZ, SMBR, HC, TS

80%+

RM, ODS

coinflips

EBD, BB

life support

BNE, TC, $$

infinitesimal 

IS, BL

No possible world
 BG

Game of the Week 

#1 Los Zapatistas vs #3 Ogre's Death Squad

#2 HC vs #7 EBD

#8 BB vs #4 TS

#9 BNE vs #6 RM 

#14 BG vs #5 SMBR

#10 $$ vs #11 IS

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#13 Bricklayers vs #11 The Collegians

On to week 10!

 

Ruthless C Shows WWE Velocity 10/18/2003 & WWE Heat pre No Mercy Edition 10/19/2003

                                               

                         Check out this week's breakdown of Raw & Smackdown in audio form here.

                                      

         Tonight we have Tazz and Josh Mathews on commentary.  Unfortunately Tazz tells us this is his last Velocity and a new color commentator will start next week.  He will go out with a bang as we will get into later.  Stay Tuned.

                                         Match #1 

                                         A-Train vs Orlando Jordan

Train starts with knees to the gut. Jordan slides out of a powerslam and they trade strikes.  Orlando gets caught off the top with bicycle kick to the stomach.  Train lands a serious of heavy strikes.  He locks in an inverted full nelson and then drops to his knees in an impressive looking move.  Train locked in a neck vise after a snap mare.  OJ turns inside out on a slam to get a flash pin attempt.  Inziguri to the A-Train's midsection, quick jabs. Jordan's offense is short lived because he runs into a back elbow. Jordan does get his feet up on a Vader bomb.  Train misses a charge into a rollup attempt by Jordan who hits two dropkicks.  Train hits a powerful clothesline and finishes Jordan off with the Train Wreck in 4:15 (**)

Match #2

Matt Hardy with Shannon Moore vs Funaki 

During the entrances Tazz gives us a parting gift of a rant complaining about Pamela Anderson attacking Kentucky Fried Chicken over killing chickens.  Tazz goes into how you got to kill them before you can eat them and then goes after a plastic shortage because Pam Anderson, "Ya know the one with the real big hammers.", has used it all up.  Just Tazz enjoying nobody paying attention to Velocity.

Matt Fact #1 Matt still has his tonsils.

Matt Fact #2 Matt dreads winter time.

Matt starts with lots of strikes, til Funaki takes an irish whip and turns it into a head scissors.  Hardy hits a side effect and tosses Funaki outside so Shannon Moore can ram his spine into the ring.  Matt does a powerslam and then locks in an abdominal stretch. Funaki drives Hardy into the corner for some shoulders to the midsection, but Moore trips him. Hardy misses a corner splash and Funaki hits on a bulldog as Hardy stumbles out.  Funaki reverses a powerslam attempt into a reverse DDT.  Funaki hits the Rising Sun which is a reverse tornado DDT out of the corner.  Funaki can't make the cover quickly so Hardy is able to kick out at 2.  Moore hops up on the apron.  Hardy reverses a whip and goes for the Twist of Fate, but Funaki shoves him away towards Shannon.  Matt puts on the brakes and Funaki charges.  Hardy evades him, so Funaki collides with Moore.  Funaki turns right into the Twist of Fate and Matt gets the three count in 5:11 (**)  This is the last television match for the V-1 character.  

Match #3

Ultimo Dragon vs Joey Matthews 

They trade positioning attempts until Mathews gets a rollup for 2.  He super celebraters with struts.  He goes on the attack with knees and chops.  Dragon catches Matthews with a leg sweep, series of kicks, and drop kick.  Matthews bails and Dragon pursues, which allows Matthew to pull Dragon's feet out from under him and crack his chin on the apron.  Mathews throws him back into the ring and connects with a top rope clothesline.  He locks in a neck vise.  Dragon rolls through and gets a kick to the face, but Matthew is quick to put him down with a neck breaker and goes back to the vise.  Ultimo gets out with a corner springboard jaw breaker, back body drop, spin heel kick combination for 2 count.  A big kick to the chest after a roll through by Dragon.  He misses a springboard dive which lets Matthews drop him for a 2 count and then a body slam.  Matthews gets caught on a top rope dive with a drop kick.  Asai DDT seals the victory for Dragon in 5:13. (2.25)

Match #4

APA vs FBI (Nunzio and Chuck Palumbo)

The FBI tries to sneak attack with chairs in the aisle but get intercepted.  Faarooq scrambles Palumbo's brains with a chair. Nunzio scoots away towards the ring begging for mercy.  Just like tomorrow's pay per view event, there will be No Mercy.  Bradshaw throws him into the steps.  He tosses Nunzio into the ring and the match is on as the bell rings.  Last Call fallaway slam to Nunzio.  Quickly tags in Faarooq to lands some hard forearms.  Nunzio tries to escape the ring but gets dragged back in.  Faarooq hits a powerslam and a back breaker.  Bradshaw is in to join in on a double shoulder block and power bomb.  Faarooq is back in for a spine buster.  Faarooq holds up Nunzio's corpse for a Clothesline from Hell.  Bradshaw hits him with a second one.  Faarooq pins Nunzio with a single hand in 4:03.  (1/2*)

Bradshaw grabs the microphone, "Nunzio, don't take that personal. You're just the first but you won't be the last.  Bashams, the APA was just fine sitting in our office drinking beer and playing cards, when you tried to make your name off of us.  I tell you what you just got a bunch of people's asses whipped.  We will not discriminate.  I don't care if you're black, brown, white, purple, or green.  Man, woman, or child.  Heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. We will knock your ass out."

That's it for Velocity stay tuned for Confidential, we shall miss thee, Tazz.  

This episode is dedicated in loving memory of Stu Hart.  

Our pre No Mercy Heat is hosted by Josh Matthews and a young lady only known as Rue. Fun fact those two get married.  It lasts for a whole two years of wedded bliss. 

Rue only one name like Cher

The show is mostly pay per view hype videos but we do get a Big Show interview with Michael Cole where he talks about how fecal matter has been falling out of his ears for 10 days and he is going to destroy Eddie Guerrero today. 

Tazz interview the Basham brothers who lament the loss of Shaniqua the source of their sexual desires and challenge the APA tonight at the pay per view.  Based on Bradshaw's promo at the end of Velocity.  I assume they will accept.  

 

Match #1

Shannon Moore vs Billy Kidman

Cole and Tazz are commentary for this as we won't get to see if the enigma know as Rue can call a match.  They trade go behinds, Kidman gets a head scissors and sends Moore outside.  Moore ducks a baseball slide by Kidman and throws him into the barricade in a fun spot.  Moore hits a back suplex and locks in a neck vice.  He converts over to a leg lariat to the back of the head, body slam and locks in a back stretch.  Kidman gets a desperation drop kick to put both men down.  Kidman is up with a flying forearm, back body drop, and clothesline that drops Moore in the corner.  Kidman hits a baseball slide directly into Moore's yambag as Tazz says, which for some reason isn't a DQ.  Kidman goes for a suplex by Moore lands on his feet and hits spinning neck breaker.  Kidman attempts a turnbuckle assisted bulldog but Moore counters with a drop toe hold into the 2nd turnbuckle.  Moore nails a corkscrew moonsault for a false finish.  Moore throws a tantrum, this allows Kidman enough time to recover, hit an enziguri, drag Moore to the corner, and climb to the top to attempt a 450. Moore intercepts on the top Kidman wins the battle and comes down with a BK bomb to pick up the win in 5:14. (***)

We find out that heat will be moved to Saturday night at 7 next week.  We aren't told what will air in it's place. We get a promo package for the Lesnar vs Undertaker chain match main event and we go off the air transitioning to No Mercy.  

  

HTPB 24.8

                                                        

                                It was rematch week in HTPB.  Revenge was served in 5 out of 7 matchups as only BNE and TC could get no satisfaction. 

    

                                            Ogre's Death Squad 97 defeats Rush' n Missiles 74

(Shrek and Vladimir Putin try to outrun an avalanche of fecal matter but Putin gets caught in it)

Rush 'N Missiles have now lost 3 in a row.  It drops him out of the top 7. Is it for know or for ever?  The Death Squad's and his gross feet were led by the talented foot of Chris Boswell's 22.  Justin Fields continued to haunt ODS as his performance led to a negative 1 from the Bengals defense.  

Los Zapatistas 143 defeat The Collegians 99

(A man in a sombrero tries to corral bratty kids in a sports bar with a Browns game on, while a man in a cap and gown cries in his beer.)

Los Zapatistas managed to win by over 40 points while starting a gentleman named Luther Burden the Third, who may be a receiver for the Bears or a third level German Oligarch.  Either way he got -1 yards.  The Collegians receiver core was decimated by injuries and poor performances. This game was over on Thursday but waiting til Sunday to be official.  The Collegians are the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde team for 2025.

StabmyBalzRepeatedly 95 defeats Tinker Stinkers 93

(A small man holds a picture of Lamar Jackson and cries, while Comic Book Guy holds a picture of Patrick Mahomes and smiles.)

CMC finally couldn't overcome the lack of any other players on the 49ers offense and couldn't lift Tinker Stinkers without Lamar.  Is this two game slide a bump in the road or cracks in the foundation?  The SMBR revenge tour for tough luck games in full force, climbing back to just a .500 mark despite only scoring less than 100 points once on the season.  

Bay-Bay's 112 defeat Big Nasty Express 79

(A Mountie has successfully commandeered a train and waves his hat to celebrate.)

Bay-Bay's overcome a zero from Quentin Johnson which is easy to do when you are playing BNE who hasn't broken 80 in a fortnight.  It's also easy to do when you get 8 TD from other places on the roster as BB did.  If BB can manage to defeat just BG and BL the rest of the way it will be their greatest season ever.  Big Nasty Express continues to plummet in the standings and continues to struggle with this concept of drafting your own winning team.  BNE was so bloody and beaten he looked like a precooked brisket. 

Bricklayers 131 defeat Blue Gatorade 103

(A man made of bricks shoves a bald kid's head into a golden toilet.)

Blue Gatorade took one giant step forward towards getting a well deserved toilet bowl trophy.  Chase Brown led the way for the Layers with 23 and Tucker Kraft has been the most consistent player for them this season.  It's a good thing Layers got this win as they only play one more team who would not currently be in the playoffs, the rest of the way.  Blue Gatorade has lost 7 in a row and desperately tries to find two more wins this season to avoid a failure year. 

Italian Stallions 139 defeat Hardcore Cabinet 129

(A majestic and powerful stallion leaps successfully over a canyon being perused by cabinets that fall into the canyon like lemmings.)

The Loins exercised the demons and defeated Hardcore Cabinet.  It took a Herculean effort from Johnathan Taylor (40) and Tampa (37).  The QB's only combing for 8 points in a game that had almost 270 points is quite the statistical anomaly. The trade the Loins made to try to get the win this week actually hurt him as both players inserted into the lineup scored less than the players they replaced, So Dan might need to take some remedial Canadian math class. While the streak may be over, since Hardcore Cabinet won in week 1, HC has beaten IS every year from 2012 until today and that streak lives on.  Just when you thought it was safe, Dom!  Hardcore Cabinet's current streak without a loss bitch is Rush 'N Missiles who HC has beaten in every matchup for 4 years which includes 6 games.  

Dollars 107 defeats Eh Big Dude 102

(A male nurse in dollar sign scrubs shampoos Jason Vorhees hair with a bottle of Vidal Sasoon while on his hospital tray is a delicious meal of crow.)

Eh Bid Dude crowed about his Vidal play of Thursday while Allen and Mason struggled for Dollars, this hubris had to play into EBD decision to take on some players on bye this week in a trade thinking his win was sewn up. Rashee Rice (another player traded away by EBD) had other ideas on Monday Night as he led the come from behind win.  Dollars has managed to piece together a solid 4-4 record despite Joe Burrow's toe being the most upsetting pedal digit this side of Big E.  His playoff picks on the other hand have not recovered with only 2 teams currently in (HC/ODS)

Pick em this week was a three way tie between BNE, IS, and SMBR with 4 correct picks.  HC and BG were in last place with 2-5 records.  EBD remains in the overall lead and $$ stays in the basement.  Check out your total results here.

We have a new king of the league!

Por mi parte, doy la bienvenida a nuestro nuevo señor mexicano.

1. LZ 72-32

2. TS 71-33

3. SMBR 62-42

4. RM 58-46

5. TC 58-46

6. EBD 52-52

7. HC 52-52

8. ODS 51-53

9. $$ 50-54

10. IS 48-56

11. BB 46-58

12. BL 42-62

13. BNE 40-64

14. BG 26-78

Hardcore Cabinet has been the luckiest and The Collegians have been the unluckiest.

While still too early for detailed odds to make much sense, here is a quick overview

safe bets LZ, TS, SMBR, HC

The morass in the middle ODS, RM, EBD, BB

Still a fighting chance TC, $$, BNE

It would be a miracle IS, BL

GTFO BG

Game of the Week

#1 Los Zapatistas vs #3 Tinker Stinker 

#2 HC vs #13 BL

#4 ODS vs #6 BB

#10 BNE vs #9 $$

#5 EBD vs #8 RM

#7 SMBR vs #11 TC

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#14 Blue Gatorade vs #12 Italian Stallions

Good Luck and Happy Halloween!

HTPB 24.7

                                                         

                            The Loins got their first win! The Wolves got swept! Let's take a look.

                                            Italian Stallions 129 defeat Big Nasty Express 76

A Stallion wins finally wins a race against red bearded balding backwoods men on all fours

After a month and half the Stallions finally got a touchdown from his top draft pick and finally got a win.  He also cashed in on Johnathan Taylor's third 3 TD game of the season.  His usual poo platter of receivers combined for 50 points.  It was enough to finally give the winless Loins their first win. There is a dark cloud hanging over the Loins however as Hardcore Cabinet looms next week, the Loins have not defeated the Cabinet since the first Obama administration. BNE got 25 points out of tight end and failed to break 80.  Bijan added 18 but no other Express member broke the 7 point threshold.

Dollars 106 defeats Blue Gatorade 82

A male nurse with scrubs decorated in Dollar bills, checks in a on bald college kid with a negative prognosis who is attached to an IV of Blue Gatorade.

Blue Gatorade is finally where he belong, in dead fucking last.  Can he get a couple of lucky wins to leave the toilet trophy to Bricklayers again this year?  Despite 21 points form Olave, BG scored under 100 for the 5th straight week.  Saquon Barkley continues to struggle as well, scoring 13 points combined in the last two games.  For BG's sake, maybe all of his players with the red letters can return. Dollars lost his second QB to a foot injury this season, as who would have ever predicted feet would give Dollars anything but a boner.  I have decided to not mention Dollars selling Chase before the game of the season, although Rice did have a really good game. 

StabmyBalzrepeatedly 118 defeats Ogre's Death Squad 114

Justin Fields in a scream mask sneaks up on Shrek standing next a windowless van that is spray painting with the message free candy and hugs

Ogre's Death Squad can't quit Justin Fields in a Brokeback mountain situation.  He was almost able to overcome it with 54 points Monday night from JSN and Gibbs.  SMBR has ridden the newly once again explosive Patrick Mahomes to 2 straight wins.  With his 2nd highest point total in the league, SMBR will be a force to be reckoned with during the home stretch.  

Eh Big Dude 147 defeats Bricklayers 105

A large tree that grows Jamar Chase like fruit looms over a homeless man with hair gelled up dragging a golden toilet by a chain. 

The franchise collapse of Bricklayers continues, since gagging an undefeated season into a 3rd place finish, the Bricklayers have yet to make the playoffs again, won a toilet, and are in contention to make it back to back, and allowed his record of three titles to be tied by two other franchises who could pass him up this year.   Eh Bid Dude felt no remorse and stepped on the neck of his fallen AOE partner.  Jamar Chase at least mercifully ended it Thursday night with approximately 58 targets.  

Bay-Bay's 119 defeats Los Zapatistas 95

Adam Cole wearing a Canadian Flag like a cape defeats a Luchador known as "The Shoes"

Roster mismanagement came to call for Los Zapatistas.  He stupidly played someone who was out for the year and should have seen that mid game injury coming.    Bay-Bay's took a victory lap that nobody picked him but he only picked two other games correctly himself.  Bay-Bay's does however continue to pick up wins at a rate never seen before in franchise history.  If BB's can go 3-4 down the stretch it will be greatest season in franchise history! 

Hardcore Cabinet 96 defeats Tinker Stinkers 95

Hardcore Cabinet continues to be kryptonite to the wolves.  HC continues to be unbeaten against the trio who have been running roughshod over the rest of the league.  Just seeing HC causes both TS and RM to have their worst performance of the year and piss down their legs in fear.    Tinker Stinkers played both McCaffery brothers, Jeremy McCaffery for the niners came through in dominating fashion with 36 alpha brother points.  Jason McCaffery for the commanders came in with a beta bro level 4 points all earned on special teams.  The game came down to 14th round pick defense New England outscoring top picked defense by 25.

The Collegians 154 defeat Rush 'n Missiles 127

(A college graduate holds a sign that says I love bo-ners in front of Joesph Stalin, Nikita Khrushev, and Vladamir Putin.)

Not exactly what I wanted but I think the picture is funny.

Led by the unlikely duo of 4th quarter Bo-ner and the Cleveland Browns, the Collegians scored the highest points in the league this week.  If RM was told that on Allen's bye week he would receive 36 points for Stafford, RM would have assumed he was well on his way to victory.  Well RM would have been as wrong as he is ringless.  Not like the Collegians, who you may not have realized won the league last year.  

On a week where Yahoo predictions went 2-5, EBD, HC, SMBR, TC, and IS managed to go 4-3.  This increased EBD overall season lead.  BG sucks all aspects again this week with a back to back 1-6 pick em record.  Although he is not last overall as that honor belongs to Dollars.

Despite the bad week, still alone at the top

1. Tinker Stinkers 71-20

Really good squads

2. LZ 59-32

3. RM 57-34

4. TC 54-37

5. SMBR 53-38

Nice teams

6. ODS 48-43

7. EBD 47-44

Can't be discounted

8. $$ 43-48

9. HC 42-49

Not good

10. BB 38-53

11. BNE 38-53

12. IS 36-55

Bad 

13. BL 31-60

Blue Gatorade

14. 20-71

Looking at the remaining schedules, every team plays 3 or 4 teams in the top 7 of the power rankings.  The two that don't....Dollars has 5 games left against the best and The Collegians only has 2. 

It's Rematch Week!  The winner of the week 1 game is in ALL CAPS.

Game of the Week

#5 RUSH 'N MISSILES vs #6 Ogre's Death Squad 

#1 HC vs #12 is

#7 BB vs #8 bne

#11 dollars vs #4 EBD

really wish my keyboard had the cents symbol

#3 LZ vs  #10 tc

#9 smbr vs #2 TS

The Toilet Bowl matchup possibly of the year

#14 BLUE GATORADE vs #13 bricklayers

Most of the matchups are have vs have nots.  The playoff picture could start to look a lot clearer one week from today.