Year in Review: 2021

                                                                         

 Before I get into this yearly report if I could be indulged for a moment.  Please watch this video.   This takes time and things have been shitty at work so shove it up your butts.  

The league began on a beautiful Saturday in Big E's backyard and it ended with stuff shoved up my backyard with the unluckiest season in league history.  Speaking of the draft let's take a look back at that faithful day. 

The best first round pick was the last one, Johnathan Taylor has led SMBR to a first round bye. 

Honorable Mention: Austin Eckler

 The worst first round pick was Patrick Mahomes based on a points per game relative to his position.  Outhouse Mahomes while 5th in the league for QB scoring is only 5 points a game more than Teddy Two Gloves which is not what you are aiming for when you dislocate your shoulder reaching in the first round. While first round picks McCaffery and Henry missed a large portion of the year, they produced while healthy.  Heck Henry is still the 9th highest scoring running back in fantasy.  

Honorable Mention: Saquon Barkley who finished in scoring this season between Devin Singletary and Mike Davis.  

Record Book

High Score BNE 180.75 Week 5

Low EBD 44.37 Week 10

Points from drafted players: Most SMBR 1536.23 (94.7% of total) 

Least BL 767.38 (53.9% of total)

Most TD in a week RM 12 Week 2 

Least TD in a week, once each for HC/BCC

Most this season RM 84 Least $$$ 48

Most rushing yards per game: SMBR 265.71

Least rushing yards per game: BCC 92.07

Most receiving yards per game TC 332.71 Least LZ 212.28

FG: Season BL 32     RM least 16

Biggest Blowout RM beat $ by 99.47 in Week 2.  

Closest game: BL over TC by .04

Final Rankings 

1. TC 120-62

2. SMBR 116-66

3. CB 113-69

4. HC 109-73

5. BG 109-73

6. BNE 104-78

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7. BCC 92-90

8. LZ 88-94

9. BL 82-100

10. IS 82-100

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11. TS 77-105

12. ODS 71-111

13. EBD 67-115

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14. $$$ 49-133

The unluckiest based on this metric was HC being 5 spaces behind their spot in the standings. Although BCC had his playoff spot in his final season stolen by the Lone Wolves as well.  Bricklayers was also very unlucky but so unlucky to cost him a playoff spot.

The luckiest was TS gaining 4 spots and a playoff berth in the standings. The Shoes also is undeserving of their playoff spot based on this metric. 

Wins against the mean. This metric takes into account Pure schedule luck.  How many weeks did you score in the top 7.

1. TC/RM 10

3. HC/BG 9

5. SMBR/BNE/BCC/LZ 8 (LZ didn't deserve his playoff spot here on point total but at least it is defensible) 

9.  BL/IS/TS 6-8  (TS is one of the luckiest playoff teams in the history of the league by both metrics)

12. ODS/EBD 4

14. $$$ 2

Although it didn't affect his spot in the standings, Dollars should have clinched the toilet bowl several weeks ago.  

                                                                            

Tinker Stinkers stole my spot. By every mathematical measure. His tiny hands have grabbed what his team did not deserve.  This will haunt me until next season.  Please destroy him, Steve.  

Sergio won league pick em with a record of 57-41; edging out the Erics by 1.  Jason was last with a record of 44-54.  Pick the playoff games here

Math website playoff first round predictions, I can't do beyond that because Yahoo lists me as a playoff team which fucking sucks.  I can't wait for all of the notifications to set my roster. Fucking stupid.

BNE 47% vs RM 52.43%

BG 64.68 vs LZ 35.53

TC 69.1 vs 30.9

Since it calculated it SMBR 52.37 vs HC 46.73

My hopes for the playoffs.

HTPB Week 20.13

 

Week 13 has been the end of the season for decades here in HTPB and it still was for Big Cat Crushers and Eh Bid Dude as they were eliminated from playoff contention.  It's starting to settle out as the last week of the regular season is upon us.  

SMBR established themselves as the team to beat in HTPB this year as he ended the season and career of Big Cat Crushers.  The fifth highest score of the week was not enough for Big Cat as the twenty year run of bad luck continued.  In frightening news for HTPB, Lamar Jackson has been kind of shitty for a month and in 4 out of the last 5 weeks, he's broken 130 points with a low score of 109 or as Dollars would call it a monster week.  SMBR just needs to beat Dollars to clinch the first round bye, so allow me to be the first to congratulate SMBR on the first round bye.  

"Big Cat still had a good week."

-Cory

Eh Bid Dude welcomed a child into the world this week and was beaten by one.  EBD season was put to rest this week barring a miracle of epic proportions.  EBD was able to make it close due to his kicker and defense combining for 30 which EBD has said this season means your team is shitty. BG didn't listen to a wise sage who said Minshew Mania was a better option than Teddy Two Gloves and narrowly survived his ignorance.  BG is one of two teams that can have the first round bye.  Eh Bid Dude did clinch the highest place of his AOE Human Centipede buddies.  Live look at the playoff race for AOE this year.  Enjoy the sidelines fellas.

                                                            (photoshop credit: Nick Webb)

                                                            (hilarious idea credit: me like fucking always) 

In a matchup of the two lowest scores of the week (weak), Italian Stallions defeated Tinker Stinkers, 91-64.  While this game made eyes bleed it did save Italian Stallions from the Toilet Bowl and put Tinker Stinkers on the brink of elimination.  David Montgomery and Chris Godwin were the only people not to suck in this game.  So many people sucked, both quarterbacks sucked, AJ Green and Kendrick Bourne sucked, Jason and Dom sucked.  

ODS kept his slim playoff hopes alive (literally 0.13%) as he defeated BL.  Bricklayers finally got the game from Javonte Williams that he traded Cooper Kupp for, as Williams scored 26 of Bricklayers' 92 points. (Kupp has pedestrian 20.45)  Bricklayers is one of two teams that can still get toiletries as he tries to complete the toilet, champion, toilet sandwich.  

The closest game of the week saw Rush'n Missiles finally get into the playoffs for the first time in career as he edged out The Collegians.  Without his four Packers, RM still managed to pack TC's shit.  The Collegians were unfairly put behind the 8 ball with their players not scoring every touchdown that occurred in the NFL. Both of these two teams are locked into the playoffs and can't get the bye.  Taysom Hill played the shittiest 22 point game of all time.  

It seemed like earlier in the week that Dollars would be getting Kamara, Brown, and Cooper back. Nope. The Shoes took advantage of playing Dollars, a secured the victory which puts him at the precipice of a playoff berth.  Led by his defense and Sony Michel being the lead back for a week, Los Zapatistas scored 130 points to get the win.  Dollars hopes to finally get healthy the final week as he looks to keep SMBR out of the number one seed but will try to do so without Antonio Brown who has been suspended for brain damage. 

Hardcore Cabinet kept his playoff hopes alive but lost two more players to injury. BNE clinched a playoff spot with the loss. Justin Herbert lost the duel to a returning Kyler Murray and set up Hardcore Cabinet to control their own destiny.  BNE thought Gallup would be the X-Factor but it turns out the X-Factor was Urban Meyer hating James Robinson and not giving him any carries until the game was over.  Hardcore Cabinet lives to fight another day in a defacto playoff game vs the Shoes. 

Power Rankings (which team is the best)

1. SMBR 116-53

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2. BG 108-61

3. TC 107-62

4. HC 104-65

5. CB 101-68

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6. BNE 91-76

7. BCC 88-81

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8. LZ 81-88

9. BL 72-97

10. TS 69-100

11. IS 68-101

12. ODS 65-104

13. EBD 65-104

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14. $$ 46-123

Tied for unluckiest are HC/BCC/BL who each are 4 spots below where they are projected, and ODS is now the luckiest being 3 spots higher.

Record against the mean which is based purely on schedule.  Basically the bad beat meter and which teams got screwed out of the playoffs. Tie breakers by total points

9-4 HC, BG, TC, CB, 

8-5 SMBR, BCC, 

7-6 BNE, LZ

5-8 BL, IS, TS

4-9 ODS, EBD

2-11 $$$

This analysis shows that BCC in his final season has been screwed as he is one of the 7 best teams by either metric.  TS and ODS should be thanking their lucky stars to be alive in the last week of the season and if either of them makes the playoffs it won't be deserved and will be stealing Big Cat's valor. 

Weekly pick em.  HC went 6-1 (will be updated once yahoo does the math) next week can be done at this link.

Final week projections:  Yahoo projects Tinker Stinkers will miss the playoffs, SMBR gets the bye, and $$$ gets the Toilet.

The site that simulates the rest of the season 10,000 times projections these playoff percentages.

Bye SMBR 90.05%  BG 9.95%

Toilet $$$ 90.78%   BL 9.23%

Playoffs

Tinker Stinkers 70.05%

Los Zapitistas 66.62%

Hardcore Cabinet 63.21%

ODS 0.13%

Next Week's Schedule

Games that can affect who makes the playoffs

HC vs LZ (Biggest game of the season) 

TS vs BL

ODS vs IS

Bye and Toilet Games

BG vs RM

SMBR vs $$$

Seeding 

BNE vs TC

For Pride

BCC vs EBD

Good luck to everyone but Sergio!!!

HTPB Week 20.12

 

Week 11 allowed a light to be lit for the playoff picture with 3 teams clinching their spots. 3 teams are logistically eliminated based on two week 14 games between 6-6 and 5-7 teams, with the 5-7 having significantly more points than their 6-6 opponents. (ODS is not impossibly eliminated but with two teams in front of him guaranteed to get wins it is all but likely.) The Toilet Bowl Trophy can still be won by 6 teams as well.  

SMBR dealt body blow to HC playoff chances, handing them their 4th defeat by 3 points or less this season.  Lamar Jackson tried to give HC and the Browns, victories but neither team would take the gift.  Good games from every other spot on the roster led to reach the second highest score in the league, for HC, third highest doesn't mean anything without a victory.  SMBR clinches a playoff spot an ensuring there will not be back to back toilet seasons.  

Tinker Stinkers failed to cross 85 points for the second week in a row and is vulnerable of missing the playoffs if they can't pull the nose up.  ODS led by Josh Allen and really nothing much else, was able to use his Turkey Day lead to really stuff it to Tinker Stinkers.  ODS still has an outside shot at the playoffs if they win out. Like a 15 year old under the bed sheets, TS has appeared to have used his Chubb all up.    Both teams finish out the season against Italian Stallions and Bricklayers, so the race for the Toilet Bowl could also play big time spoiler.  

Speaking of Italian Stallions and Bricklayers, IS made the toilet bowl race interesting with a fractional point victory over BL.  If Bricklayers had listened to his daughter and released Cam, he would still be alive with an outside shot at the playoffs.  Odell Beckham rewarded IS patience with a long touchdown and Odell leads the league in offenses ruined this year having chalked up, the Browns, the Rams, and the Italian Stallions.  With Dalvin Cook out for the rest of the fantasy season, IS will have to really fight to not extended his record of number of seasons with the worst record. 

Rush'n Missiles continues to try to forge their way into the playoffs for the first time ever and all it will take is one more victory.  But those could be hard to come by with a tough remaining schedule and tons of byes from his beloved Packers this week.  RM was led by "Four"nette BNE continues to live and die with Herbert and his 21 points weren't enough to pull the rest of his team up to victory.  BNE could drop out of the playoffs as well, with hard schedule and the loss of Waller.  Will Mattison taking the reins in Minnesota to be enough to find the one win he needs? 

Big Cat Crushers has last number 1 overall pick for the season, his own son nearly doubled him up in revenger for BCC picking against him earlier in the year. Joe Mixon continues to dominate for TC and the lesbian keeps tossing touchdowns for both teams.  TC could be headed for a first round bye but they will definitely be in the playoffs.  

"Big Cat had a terrible week" 

-Corey Bourquin

Eh Bid Dude managed to win for the second straight week without breaking 86 points.  Luckily for EBD the teams, he managed to squeak out victories against were ahead of him the standings and he is still alive for the playoffs despite the second lowest point total in the league.  EBD has managed this with the rapid demise of Russell Wilson.  The Shoes control their own destiny for the playoffs but will have to battle two teams that may be finally getting healthy after a rough month in HC and $$$.

Blue Gatorade and Dollars didn't say shit this week because everyone knew the outcome before it started.  $$$ will be getting some pieces back this week and hopes to avoid a Toilet Trophy.  He isn't going to win any tie breaks so it doesn't look good for Dollars but listen here, Jesse.  It helps me greatly if you beat Sergio this week.  

In weekly pick'em 6 teams went 5-2 and 3 teams went 3-4.  weekly picks can be made here

Power Rankings

1. SMBR 103-53

2. BG 100-56

3. TC 100-56

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4. HC 93- 63

5. CB 91-65

6. BNE 87-659

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7. BCC 79-77

8. BL 70-86

9. LZ 69-87

10. TS 69-87

11. 67-89

12. ODS 61-95

13. EBD 60-98

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14. $$$$ 43-113

Tinker Stinkers is finally not the luckiest team in the league as that is now EBD.  But don't worry Tinker Stinkers you are most likely to be the luckiest team in the playoffs. HC is the unluckiest team.

Number of weeks in Top 7 scoring with total points as tie breaker

8 wins HC, BG, TC, CB

7 wins SMBR, BNE, BCC

6 wins LZ

5 wins TS, BL, IS

4 wins ODS, EBD

2 wins $$

Week 13 preview

With the playoffs rapidly upon us every game is a game of the week.  So much on the line.  Playoffs possibilities for every game.  Get hype.  All that is but ODS vs BL.  That shit is for avoiding a toilet bowl. 

Good luck!

HTPB 20.11

 

Week 11 in HTPB created a logjam at the top with a five way tie atop the standings.  The parity continues down the standings with 14 teams still alive for the playoffs mathematically and 9 teams still alive for the toiletries.  This week's blog will include a lot of looking ahead at the last three games.

In one of the craziest matchups in league history, Blue Gatorade outscored SMBR in a game for running back aficionados.  52 points from Johnathan Taylor Thomas wasn't enough to best the 38 points from Austin Ekeler and the rest of BG's squad.  The running backs combined for 9 touchdowns which by themselves was more than every team had in the league this week.  (RM with 8 was the high).  SMBR was held down by their special teams being special ed gaining SMBR -2 points.

EBD used his anger from not being able to make a trade this season by squeaking out a Monday Night win over Hardcore Cabinet with a mid 80s poo poo platter game.  In a month Hardcore went from a running back squad of Henry, Edmonds, and Mitchell to starting Eno Benjamin.  

EBD is still in the playoff hunt and HC has fallen from first place to 8th during this slide.  A 21 point difference in special teams was huge this game.  

In a shocking turn of events, Tinker Stinkers had a shitty week and managed to not still win.  Big Nasty Express pulled off the big seeding victory over the Stinkers, led by Herbert and Adams. The trend continues, as goes Herbert goes BNE.  The flowing locks and the receding hairline, hand in hand.  After a one week return to the top, Mahomes continued his poor fantasy performance laying a 5 spot.  With byes still coming for Mahomes and Chubb and the injury to Michael Carter, combined with the lowest overall point total amongst the top 9 teams, TS could be in jeopardy of falling big time late. Tinker Stinkers does have a soft schedule the rest of the way with ODS, IS, BL to end the regular season.  Time will tell if the meats are Prime Rib or Rump Roast.

The season from hell continued for Dollars as he put up the lowest score in the league once again.  Big Cat didn't show any mercy as he pounded him by almost 50.  Another good week for Big Cat, right Cory?  (running jokes are fun)  The return of McCaffery has been a great addition and he will carry Big Cat as long as hamstring holds up.  But this is about $$$.  Nothing has gone right from the night of the draft until today and it doesn't get any easier with a schedule of BG, LZ, and SMBR to finish the season.  Average current standings of his opponents is 3rd place.  I have spent some time looking for the solution to Dollars' 2021 season, and after extensive medical tests, advise of fantasy experts, the HTPB team has decided to end it humanely and with a little suffering as possible.

Bricklayers edged The Collegians by a point total that the same as his hat size .04.  Bricklayers was led by the corpse of Cam Newton whose 28 points led the matchup in player scoring.  BL managed to win with Javonte Williams on bye, So small feat. These two teams are more focused on the remaining schedule for both teams are very interesting.  The Collegians plays all playoff contenders (BCC, RM, BNE) and Bricklayers battles fellow Toilet Bowl contenders (IS, ODS, and TS the lowest point total of playoff contenders)

Italian Stallions' back is firmly pressed against the wall, he needs to win out, needs several other teams in the RM, LZ, EBD, BCC group to lose out and score more points than them, to make the playoffs which might not be possible based on schedules.  But in the toilet race, the points are bunched up and win can change things big time. Los Zapatistas has risen quickly up the standings after winning 3 of their last four games, and with all of his remaining games against teams below him in the standings, LZ has to be feeling good.

Aaron Rodgers returned to form and apparently his foot injury was handled by Dr. Toe Rogan as Rush'n Missiles pummeled Michael Chiklis.  Rush'n Missiles has an extremely difficult schedule the rest of the season with games with BNE, TC, and BG to wrap up the year.  Can RM make the playoffs for the first time? Many times RM has let the playoffs slip through his fingers.  The playoffs have slipped through the gap in ODS's teeth a long time ago, but hopes of playing spoiler and avoiding a toilet motivate him to finish strong.  

Pick em results.  RM led the way with a 5-2 record, while BNE, HC, and TC all pulled 2-5.  Favorites went 3-4.  Week 12 pick em available here.  Remember the games start earlier with Thanksgiving, so vote early and often.  

Power Rankings 

1. SMBR 91-52

2. BG 91-52

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3. TC 87-56

4. HC 82-61

5. BNE 81-62

6. CB 81-62

7. BCC 78-65

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8. LZ 69-74

9. TS 66-77

10. BL 63-80

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11. IS 59-84

12. EBD 56-87

13. ODS 56-87

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14. $$ 41-102

Hardcore has been the unluckiest with a 4 spot drop and Tinker Stinkers is the luckiest with a 4 spot gain.

Using the metric of wins vs median which is basically how many times you were in the top 7 of the league in scoring using total points as the tie breaker.  

Teams that should be 7-4 BG, HC, BNE, CB, TC, BCC

Teams that should be 6-5 SMBR LZ

Teams that should be 5-6 TS

4-7 BL, IS, ODS, EBD

2-9 $$$$

I'm thankful for this league and the fun it brings.  I am also thankful for the ad clicks.  Enjoy the holiday and may your fantasy team do well this week. Except SMBR, because my ass needs to make the playoffs to cash the checks my mouth wrote before my whole team was injured. 

HTPB 20.10

 

Week 10 saw the bottom of the standings take their pound of flesh and the middle of the pack fail to climb in the standings.  

Blue Gatorade caused Hardcore Cabinet to be the second member of the league to have his Sunday 40th birthday ruined by an utter ass kicking.  Hardcore Cabinet only had one player break double digits and zero touchdowns while Blue Gatorade had another well rounded week to earn the victory and swap places with HC in the standings.  Don't sleep on Blue Gatorade, but with the trade deadline approaching and BG should be aware of who pays for the cell phone that he sets his lineup with and make an offer accordingly if he would like to maintain that access.  After losing Henry, the additional loss of Kyler Murray has been hard to overcome.  

Like their owner at a circle jerk, it all came to together for Ogre's Death Squad this week.  ODS used 8 team touchdowns to stomp Big Nasty Express.  BNE seems success and failure seems completely tied to Justin Herbert. BNE has lost every game where Herbert played and failed to score 20 points except one (which was against Dollars which doesn't count) and won every game when Herbert scores over 20.  ODS took a step away from the Toilet Trophy this week but it clearly lurks at every turn due to ODS low point total.  

Los Zapatistas won the only match-up that came down to Monday night, besting Big Cat by a point.  The Shoes had to rely on A-yuk who dropped a solid 4 points to sneak out win. Both squads managed to break 100 while getting a goose egg from their tight ends.  The year of the cat took a big hit this week as Los Zapatistas took Big Cat's position at just outside the playoff picture.  

    "I mean Big Cat was in the top 7 scorers this week despite the loss."

            -Cory Bourquin

SMBR landed several big blows to Bricklayers tiny head, with 3 players scoring more than 20 points allowing him to take home the high score of the week.  Bricklayers was led by Javonte Williams who scored less that Cooper Kupp did in the final drive of the game and that's without a TD.  Bricklayers settles into the cellar and SMBR rests atop the standings.  

The Collegians had a rough time this week as he was taken out behind the woodshed by Tinker Stinkers, who had a really good week despite Nick Chubb being out. Collegians was just sitting around enjoying first place and BOOM, Tinker Stinkers struck.  There some how were touchdowns being scored not by Collegians players and full investigation has begun by HTPB officials led by representatives from Tinker Stinkers.  Tinker Stinkers has the longest current winning streak in league and the shortest fuse once he reads this write-up.  Also the shortest pants.

Italian Stallions took Rushin' Missiles down a few pegs and with Arron Jones' injury and the upcmong bye for the Packers, RM's grip on the last playoff spot is weakening.  Will RM stem the tide and or settle right back into his comfy sport juuuuuuussssstttt outside the playoffs.  Speaking of places where somewhere usually resides, with the victory Italian Stallions pulled themselves out of last place but with uncharacteristic victories for other bottom feeder teams, IS is still only in  the penultimate place. Click here for that Dom.

    

                                                    (Italian Stallions after his victory)

I save the worst for last as Dollars scored more points that Eh Bid Dude 81-44.  What a shit game?! I would like to take a minute to thank Dollars for continuing to try to scrape together wins, make his picks and be a bright ray of sunshine despite going though the season from hell. EBD says he doesn't enjoy the league or fantasy football in general.  Just going out on a limb here.  Maybe allow yourself to have more fun with it.  Maybe make some picks, read a funny blog, not take it so seriously and maybe it will be activity that brings you joy.  You have a lot good in your life happening and this can be one too.  Maybe moreso in two weeks because you need to take an L next week. Just let me know if you read this but saying something negative while holding a copy of today's newspaper.  That way we know that you are alright.  Sorry got stuck in a rut there from the previous wrap up.

Week 10 Power Rankings

1. SMBR 85-45

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2. HC 79-51

3. TC 79-51 

4. BG 78-52

5. BNE 74-56

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6. CB 70-60

7. BCC 66-64

8. TS 65-65

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9. LZ 59-71

10. IS 57-73

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11. BL 54-76

12. EBD 52-79

13. ODS 51-79

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14. $$$ 41-89

We finally have a new #1 as HC slow fall from the top continues.  $$$$ is going to need to really turn it on to avoid last place in the power rankings. HC has been the unluckiest being 4 spots behind where he should be and TS continues to be the luckiest being 5 spots ahead of where he deserves to be.  

Pick em was won by several players with 4-3 records: ODS, BG, BL, $, LZ, TC

Last place was HC and RM with 2-5 records.  Here, EBD get a slice of that joy.

Week 11 preview

Game of the Week: SMBR vs BG

ODS vs RM

BNE vs TS

IS vs The Shoes (Had to get one in for Bigs)

BG vs SMBR

BL vs TC

Toilet Bowl Match-up

$$$ vs BCC

Have a great week and remember the trade deadline is this weekend. 

HTPB 20.9

 

Week 9 was a low scoring slog, with 91.03 being the 7th highest score, but should be called you are what you are week, as the top 7 went 6-1 vs the bottom 7.  

SMBR repeatedly took an early lead and both $5 weekly bets on Thursday night behind Taylor's 32 points.  Maybe SMBR will be nice and make sure the Toyota he served EBD has a car seat in it.  Carson Wentz was the only player for EBD to break double figures.  Since EBD dude had a rough week you knew this happened to be a week that he didn't watch any of the games.  His whole squad totaled 19 rush yards while SMBR's QB had 120.

Rushin' Missiles' had most of his team on bye or out with COVID and still managed to beat Bricklayers by 21.  Maybe Bricklayers should consult the renowned Dr. Joe Rogan to nurse his team back to health.  Melvin Gordon beat Williams 16-11 in the battle of Denver running backs, although Gordon was aided with horse dewormer as a performance enhancing drug.  RM will be heading to his first playoff berth as this game was deemed a sure loss but he pulled it out.  Rodgers should be back next week unless, the Jews uses their space lasers again to start wildfires around Lambau field in order to put him the cancel culture casket. Do your own research you sheep.

ODS may have won the battle for Big Cat's love securing the pick em vote but The Collegians secured everything else, in an 50 point beat down.  This destruction was even with James Conner going crazy on the Collegians bench, crazy in a good way, not in an Aaron Rodgers way.  It's understandable that ODS would have such a rough week with a list of players on bye such as Alex Collins.  How can he be meant to overcome such odds.  TC continue to roll and remain atop the standings. 

A Yuk finally got himself into the end zone to pull The Shoes to 73 points.  Things are looking up, as in looking up in the standings at all the teams with above .500 records.  Blue Gatorade used a well rounded attack to break the 100 point barrier.  The Shoes can't make the right call on DPJ, as they only like to play him on weeks he doesn't record a snap, shown here showing Sergio, how many spots out of the playoffs, Yahoo currently projects him to finish. 

Tinker Stinkers may say that your writer is a horse but he is the one with lucky horseshoe shoved up his ass, as TS pulls out yet another bottom 7 point total win. Clearly his tiny ass is a leprechaun not a dwarf or munchkin, this is on me and I apologize about misidentifying what mystical tiny person, Mike is.  I will try to do better in the future. Dollars put the newly activated Jeff Wilson Jr in his lineup and he never took a snap.  Patrick Mahomes continues to struggle as the first round reach continues to hurt TS in point total but not in the win column.  Nick Chubb carrying the rest of Tinker Stinkers to a victory.  This win would have gone a long way to keep Dollars out of the Toilet Bowl.

The clubhouse leader for Toiletries continues to be the Italian Stallions which have performed more like Spider Rico this season.  Italian Stallions laid another egg as the Big Nasty Express continues to roll along.  BNE continues to be lead by the surprise player of the season Cordarrelle Patterson.  Here is what he has done this season

1	Sep 12	Phi	Final L 6-32	8.55	7	54	0	0
2	Sep 19	@TB	Final L 25-48	21.54	7	11	1	0
3	Sep 26	@NYG	Final W 17-14	12.90	7	20	0	0
4	Oct 3	Was	Final L 30-34	32.06	6	34	0	0
5	Oct 10	NYJ	Final W 27-20	15.98	14	54	0	0
6	BYE	-	-	-	-	-	-	-
7	Oct 24	@Mia	Final W 30-28	14.91	14	60	1	0
8	Oct 31	Car	Final L 13-19	16.85	9	35	0	0
9	Nov 7	@NO	Final W 27-25	14.60	9	10	0	0

That's ridiculous production from a kick returner at running back.  

Big Cat Crushers was the only bottom 7 pull out a victory as he edged past Hardcore Cabinet.  Hardcore Cabinet's running back situation has gone from Derrick Henry leading the league to Chase Edmonds getting one carry and getting a multiple week injury. Although minus Henry, Kyler, and Edmonds getting one carry, HC still finished in the top 7 of the league in scoring. New England scored 24 points to lead Big Cat.  The QB play in this game was reminiscent of the Browns pre Baker Mayfield as they combined for 17 points.  Although that was another good week by Big Cat, right Cory?

ODS, BCC, and LZ went 6-1 in pick em to lead the league, while SMBR went 2-5 to finish in last.   Week 10 picks available at this link. https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/14389/pickem  

Power Rankings

1. HC 78-39

2. TC 76-41

3. BNE 72-45

4. SMBR 72-45

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5. BG 68-49

6. 64-53

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7. BCC 59-58

------------------------

8. TS 53-64

9. EBD 52-65

10. LZ 51-66

------------------------

11. BL 49-68

12. IS 46-71

13. ODS 42-75

---------------------

$$  37-80

Hardcore Cabinet has been the unluckiest as he is 4 spots below where the power rankings suggest, while Tinker Stinkers is 4 spots ahead where he should be.  

Week 10 preview

Game of the Week  1 Collegians vs 4 Tinker Stinkers

Birthday Bowl 5 Hardcore Cabinet vs 6 Blue Gatorade 

7 Rush'n Missiles vs 14 Italian Stallions

2 SMBR vs 11 Bricklayers

8 Big Cat vs 10 The Shoes

3 Big Nasty Express vs 12 Ogre's Death Squad

Axis of Toilet Bowl

9 Eh Bid Dude vs 13 $$$

Good Luck to all in week 10.  Trade deadline is coming up. 

HTPB 20.8

 

Week 8 saw some upsets that caused the standings to condense as two two loss teams fell to below .500 squads along with another upset or two in this low scoring week.

Bricklayers brought some Monday Night Magic to the table which BNE and Darious Slayton promptly choked on.  BL was able to ride big games from Darrell Henderson and Tyreke Hill plus the zero points from the guys he got in exchange for Cooper Kupp to get to 99 points and the victory.  BNE could not overcome the loss of Davante Adams to COVID and the loss James Robinson to injury.  BNE could be in fact facing some hard times in the coming weeks. 

Josh Allen's 31 points was 39% of ODS' total scoring for the week and was unable to drag the rest of the bums to a win over EBD.  EBD's 90 points seems like a lucky win but 90 was good enough for the 8th highest scoring total of the week making it barely a lucky win.  EBD has kept up his streak of somehow always watching his players are doing well but never seeming to be watching when his players are sucking.  It's amazing how often that happens.  

In match-up that's hard to write about because they didn't say shit to each other in the chat as to not hurt each other's feelings, Tinker Stinkers softly and gently beat the crap out of Rush'n Missiles.  Michael Carter's 27 points gently caressed Cory's head, while Philadelphia's 25 tucked him in with his blankie. But hey Cory, Big Cat has another good week.  I'm saying talk shit even when you goofs are playing your ridiculous teammates.  Also FYI people who are not in stupid groups make up only 29% of the league but are 43% of the current playoff squads.  

I now would like to take a moment to mourn the fantasy season of Derrick Henry. The number one running back in fantasy by such a large margin that he will still most likely be the number one running back by the beginning of week 11. 

  Hardcore Cabinet better get used to only getting 6 points from running back position moving forward, as HC only got 14 points from Henry and Kyler but it was still enough to defeat Dollars thanks to good weeks from the receiving core you each hauled in a touchdown.  Ryan Tannehill another good player who has scored an average of 23 points a week since Bricklayers spite released him in order to play Sam Darnold.  Tampa's D and Kaliff Raymond let Dollars down but at least he is currently ahead of the Loins in the standings.  

The Loins did manage to have the lowest score of the week and got beaten down by The Collegians, but it could have been worse if The Collegians had gotten a score every time he should have which of course is every time somebody scores ever. TC used his James Conner vulturing touchdowns to overcome first round Kelce scoring 3 points and letting him down on the position bet.  The Collegians said it is worth it in exchange for the victory, so Steve values win at at least $5.01 and he would know the value as he is currently leading the league in wins or at least $30.06 worth.  

Big Cat Crushers pulled the nose up to end a five game slide and vault all the way into tenth place in the standings. Since Max has his license so Big Cat decided to pay forward the love with a gift.  Big Cat passed out a Toyota to Blue Gatorade.  Big Cat's well rounded attack brought him the victory and $10.  Cory's prophetic words of last week still ring true as Big Cat did in have a good week.  

You aren't going to such hard hitting analysis and humor from non other than Rushin Missiles. This guy scored a lot of points and that needs to be mentioned specifically.  

Los Zapatistas was able to overcome being swindled by Bricklayers, as being traded to Los Zapatistas and his 8 year streak without finishing in the money has Calvin Ridley questioning his will to live.  The loss knocks SMBR out of first place and moves LZ all the way into still not in the playoffs.  Maybe Brandon Yuk! can help the fill the void left by Ridley.  Although LZ's schedule gets easier the rest of the way, with only two current playoff squads left on the schedule but that final game of the season with Hardcore Cabinet with LZ's playoff life on the likely line looms large, especially seeing that Kyler Murray and Cooper Kupp play on Monday Night. 

Power Rankings

1. HC 70-34

--------------------------------

2. TC 64-40

3. BNE 61-43

----------------------

4. SMBR 59-45

5.BG 58-46

6. CB 57-47

---------------------------

7. EBD 51-53

8. BCC 50-54

9. LZ 49-55

10. TS 47-57

11. BL 46-58

-----------------------

12. ODS 42-62

13. IS 41-63

-----------------------

14. $$$ 33-71

Tinker Stinkers continues their run of amazing luck as they are 5 spots higher than statistically they should be. While Blue Gatorade and Big Cat should be two spots higher.

Pick em Results

RM and LZ went 5-2 and LZ would have won had they not spite picked Dollars.  EBD went 1-1, but the worst record of the week % wise was SMBR, BG, and IS who went 2-5.  Week 9 picks here    

Yahoo Medals has SMBR repeatedly in the lead and Big Cat in rear.  Check out your medal count here.

Week 9 Matchups are our third straight week of without many top teams facing each other.  

The Game of the Week I guess is 4 SMBR vs 8 Eh Bid Dude

2 HC vs 10 BCC

12 ODS vs 1 TC

3 BNE vs 14 IS

7 BG vs 9 LZ

11 BL vs 4 RM

Toilet Bowl of the Week  13 $$$ vs 5 TS

Good to everyone this week as the season heads into the second half.  

HTPB Week 20.7

 

It was the bye-pocalypse this week, with 6 teams on bye, most of which are high powered offenses. It was also rematch week, with the week 1 losers getting revenge more than they didn't, with 4 week 1 losers getting the win.  It was also know your role week as the match-ups had 5 of the 7 games featuring a top 7 team vs a bottom 7 and the top 7 team went 5-0.

The closest game of the week, saw Geno Smith yank victory away from Eh Bid Dude.  It seemed like EBD had victory wrapped up after the DK Metcalf long TD on Seattle's first pass of the game, unfortunatly for EBD, Metcalf only caught one more pass the rest of the game, so BNE comes away with the victory.  Injuries and byes really affected this game as both teams entire benches combined for 6.1 points.

Bricklayers tried to pull a Dr. Frankenstein and destroy the monster that he created, but like his literary namesake, Bricklayers died cold and alone as Hardcore Cabinet defeated him by 39.23 but missed giving him a Toyota for his birthday by less than 1/2 a point.  Hardcore Cabinet has had one of the top two scores in the league 4 out of the 7 weeks, while Bricklayers has been in the top half of the league in scoring a grand total of two times.  The bye-pocalypse didn't really affect this game much as only one player was on bye for Hardcore Cabinet.  So to recap, in a week in which so many teams were decimated by byes and his team was at full strength, Javonte Williams scored a TD, his QB broke 20 points, his defensive beat projections, Bricklayers STILL was not in the half of the league in scoring this week.  The monster saw what he had done to his creator and realized what he had done to the league this year, that everyone will attack him for his smugness, charge his castle with pitchforks and torches, for only wanting to win games, accept trades, talk smack.  Just what anyone just given life in this league would want, only to be attacked for being a "monster", his only monster act was putting up monster points.  

“All men hate the wretched; how, then, must I be hated, who am miserable beyond all living things!”  -the monster, Mary Shelley's Frankenstein

Speaking of reanimating the dead, Dollars won this week, led by the one, two punch of Kamara and Tampa Bay. ODS was too afraid to break 90 points without his top two players and his cowardice has dealt with twice by Dollars.  Dollars has only broken the 100 point barrier three times this year, and has managed to get the win each time, but that has happened two out of the last three weeks. Is it a turnaround or now that he can't beat ODS anymore, it's back to the basement?

You had to sign a liability waiver to look at Italian Stallions lineup this week, as the byes and injuries were especially hard on IS.  The basically unscathed SMBR was able to easily route IS to avenge his first week tough luck loss.  Sam Darnold "led" IS with 1.70 points.  Nobody talked smacked and the game was obvious before the week even started, so I am having a tough time trying to think of stuff to say on this one.

A little parched from all this typing, going to take a nice refreshing sip of water while I check out Big Cat and Rush'n Missiles.  

Wait! Is Cory good?  I understand seeing Big Cat at the bottom the standings.  It's comforting like grandma's quilt, but this Cory currently in 6th position is like world is upside down, fire is cold, that cherry isn't somewhere, WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!?! I am questioning everything I knew before.  Is gravity real?  IS JASON A REAL SIZED ADULT MAN!!!!! I don't even know anymore. 

“Big Cat could have beaten half the league.” 

                    Cory Bourquin Oct 26th, 2021

Not every team used all the byes and injuries as an excuse as the only man to step up a get the win with a decimated squad was the only child in the league.  Blue Gatorade pulled out the victory with the likes of Van Jefferson, Mike Davis, Marquez Calloway in the lineup beat a team with blue chip athletes like Patrick Mahomes, Chris Godwin, Courtland Sutton, Julio Jones, and Kyle Pitts.  Tinker Stinkers can feel good knowing that his team did that during all the byes with only one guy on bye.  That's seeing the bar, lowering the bar, and then still missing the bar.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7g3OCI7ll8

The Collegians were drug by Matt Stafford to a victory over Los Zapatistas.  LZ had four positions put up 3 points or less, including ol DPJ or Don't Play Jones, Baltimore's D, his kicker which is his best friend, and of course old reliable A yuk! The Collegians had 6 guys on his bench break 10 points.  It still came down to Monday Night, with LZ praying to fantasy gods for a Geno Smith led offense to score tons of points.  In the good news department, both of LZ recent trade acquisitions scored touchdowns.  

Power Rankings

1. HC 62-16

2. BG 58-20

3  BNE/CB 55-23 

5. SMBR 54-24

6. TC 53-25

7. EBD 47-31

8. IS 42-36

9. ODS 41-37

10. LZ 40-38

11. BL 39-39

12. BCC 38-40

13. TS 37-41

14. $$$ 30-48

The luckiest team in the league has been Tinker Stinkers who should be in next to last place but is somehow sitting at #7. Italian Stallions are the unluckiest but not enough bad luck to say he would have been a playoff team without bad luck currently. 

The Power Rankings are a good measure of how good your team really is and as a comparison to the rest of the league, but Nick has provided numbers against the mean each week, which basically measures, how many times you are in the are the top half of the league in scoring.  Basically nobody has more or less than one win they should.  

Pick em results.

Blue Gatorade, Bricklayers, and Hardcore Cabinet all went 6-1.  RM and TS went 2-5.  This week's picks can be made here. https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/14389/pickem

Week 8 Preview

It's another week of only 1 match-up between top 7 teams, which if the results go the same as this week did, with the better team winning all of them, we could have some big time separation between the haves and have nots. 

Game of the Week  6 vs 7 RM vs TS

Toilet Bowl Preview: ODS vs EBD (It's the only game between two non top 7 teams but it's 8 vs 9).

BNE vs BL

BCC vs BG

IS vs TC

LZ vs SMBR

Good Luck in week 8 and have a Happy Halloween! I hope your roster is full of Treats and not Tricks.  You don't want to get A Yuk! candy, am I right Sergio.

HTPB Week 20.6

 

Hardcore Cabinet continued their dominance over the Italian Stallions defeating them for the tenth straight year. Italian Stallions lost with the second highest score of the week. 2011 was the Italian Stallions last time winning the championship or even placing in HTPB.  

 What was the world like in 2011 compared to today?  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 led the box office, the nation was jamming to top song Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO, Seal Team 6 killed Osama Bin Laden, Steve Jobs died from cancer, and gas prices in Ohio were actually higher than now with $3.82 per gallon.  In 2011, the current members of HTPB had combined for 6 children.  The league has now corrupted the planet with 20 additional kids and Sergio is on pace to have this number at 30 by next time IS beats HC.  The game itself was a barn burner, as the fantasy gods teased him with the possible victory but the difference in the game was Bricklayers sending Cooper Kupp to Hardcore for a bag of magic beans.  

photo creation credit Nick Webb

Italian Stallions wasn't the only team cost a victory by that trade, as Bricklayers would have won had they not made the trade.  Carson Wentz and Chubba Hubbard filled well for the injured Wilson and Barkley, as Eh Bid Dude pulled out a win with a bottom half score.  Those victories are always crucial come nut crunching time to make the playoffs. 

The third Monday night magic came saw, Ogre's Death Squad edge out Blue Gatorade in a game that wasn't determined until the clock hit 0:00.  ODS pulls to 3-3 causing Big E to declare his team the worst 3-3 ever, which is a disgusting bald faced lie and a slap in the face of Los Zapatistas who currently is a much worse 3-3 team.  Jalen Hurts' Blake Bortles impression wasn't enough to get BG the victory as new and maybe former Seahawks starting running back, Alex Collins gave ODS the win.

Big Cat Crushers continued to plummet down the standings.  From first place after week 2 to 13th place a month later. Big Cat has fallen with Carson and CMC to IR, I don't know if he can get up.  It might be time for Eric and Steve to look into a place to make Big Cat's final few weeks in HTPB comfortable so he isn't in pain towards the end. Tinker Stinkers picks up another lucky win which is what he is best at just edging out horse jokes and giving directions to Emerald City.  

https://www.google.com/search?q=stark+county+top+nursing+home&rlz=1C1CAFB_enUS671US671&oq=stark+county+top+nursing+home&aqs=chrome..69i57j33i22i29i30l4.6092j0j9&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&safe=active&ssui=on

Darrel Williams gave the extra "L" on his first name to Rush'n Missiles, as Los Zapatistas handed a bad beat to RM.  Burrow and the backs led Los Zapatistas to the victory as RM didn't get much out of anyone outside of Green Bay.  (Listen here fellas, if you don't talk much in the chat, I don't get too much of narrative to write about, I need a kernel of something to foster into something funny.)

The Collegians didn't get much outside of Stafford and Mixon but they didn't need it to defeat as he caught SMBR repeatedly on a rare down week.  Johnathan Taylor put in his second strong week in a row but Lamar was a no show and it showed.  Both teams are perched near the top of the standings thanks to strong starts to the season.  

Speaking of the top of the standings, BNE managed to have a shit week and moved into first place.  But anything is possible when you play Dollars' shit team.  He makes dreams come true. His top non QB is Kamara coming in at #53 in the league in scoring overall, for the third overall draft pick.  The Department of Justice as opened a federal investigation into how Dollars has won two games.  When brought before the league commissioner who had been accused of cowardice, Dollars would only say

Power Rankings

1. BG 53-25

---------------------------------

2. HC 48-30

3. SMBR 47-31

---------------------------------

4. BNE/TC 44-34

6. RM 42-36

7. IS 40-38

--------------------------

8. ODS 38-40

9. EBD 37-41

10. TS/LZ 36-42

12. BL 33-45

13. BCC 30-48

----------------------

14. $$ 18-60

Analysis: Blue Gatorade is the unluckiest team, with IS right behind him on the unlucky train.  Tinker Stinkers is luckiest team by far, being a whopping 6 places higher than he should be, double the next luckiest BNE. Dollars is so so so bad. Mathematically he should have 0.2 wins but has managed 2.  It's not showing in his place in the standings, but he has been really lucky.  No AOE in the top 7 in the actual standings or the Power Rankings. They only have 5 wins combined outside of beating each other. 

League Pick'em 

The Shoes went 5-2 to win the week. SMBR pulled up the rear going 2-5. Week 6 pick-em here.  Remember when you pick you should assume that each team will trade their best player for a borderline starter.  That's because Roy plays chess while we play checkers. https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/14389/pickem

Week 7 Schedule (Rematches- first game winner in bold)

This week could be Separation Sunday as 5 of the 7 match-ups are between top 7's and bottom 7's. 

Game of the Week 

TINKER STINKERS vs Blue Gatorade  (Luckiest vs Unluckiest)

HARDCORE CABINET vs Bricklayers (Kupp comes back for revenge)

EH BID DUDE vs Big Nasty Express

BIG CAT CRUSHERS vs Rush'n Missiles 

ITALIAN STALLIONS vs Stabmyballzrepeatedly

Los Zapatistas vs THE COLLEGIANS

The Toilet Bowl Matchup of the Week presented by Cowardice

$$$(Those are capital $) vs Ogre's Death Squad. 

Good luck through the bye week craziness and may you emerge on the other side ready for a playoff push.