HTPB Week 20.7

 

It was the bye-pocalypse this week, with 6 teams on bye, most of which are high powered offenses. It was also rematch week, with the week 1 losers getting revenge more than they didn't, with 4 week 1 losers getting the win.  It was also know your role week as the match-ups had 5 of the 7 games featuring a top 7 team vs a bottom 7 and the top 7 team went 5-0.

The closest game of the week, saw Geno Smith yank victory away from Eh Bid Dude.  It seemed like EBD had victory wrapped up after the DK Metcalf long TD on Seattle's first pass of the game, unfortunatly for EBD, Metcalf only caught one more pass the rest of the game, so BNE comes away with the victory.  Injuries and byes really affected this game as both teams entire benches combined for 6.1 points.

Bricklayers tried to pull a Dr. Frankenstein and destroy the monster that he created, but like his literary namesake, Bricklayers died cold and alone as Hardcore Cabinet defeated him by 39.23 but missed giving him a Toyota for his birthday by less than 1/2 a point.  Hardcore Cabinet has had one of the top two scores in the league 4 out of the 7 weeks, while Bricklayers has been in the top half of the league in scoring a grand total of two times.  The bye-pocalypse didn't really affect this game much as only one player was on bye for Hardcore Cabinet.  So to recap, in a week in which so many teams were decimated by byes and his team was at full strength, Javonte Williams scored a TD, his QB broke 20 points, his defensive beat projections, Bricklayers STILL was not in the half of the league in scoring this week.  The monster saw what he had done to his creator and realized what he had done to the league this year, that everyone will attack him for his smugness, charge his castle with pitchforks and torches, for only wanting to win games, accept trades, talk smack.  Just what anyone just given life in this league would want, only to be attacked for being a "monster", his only monster act was putting up monster points.  

“All men hate the wretched; how, then, must I be hated, who am miserable beyond all living things!”  -the monster, Mary Shelley's Frankenstein

Speaking of reanimating the dead, Dollars won this week, led by the one, two punch of Kamara and Tampa Bay. ODS was too afraid to break 90 points without his top two players and his cowardice has dealt with twice by Dollars.  Dollars has only broken the 100 point barrier three times this year, and has managed to get the win each time, but that has happened two out of the last three weeks. Is it a turnaround or now that he can't beat ODS anymore, it's back to the basement?

You had to sign a liability waiver to look at Italian Stallions lineup this week, as the byes and injuries were especially hard on IS.  The basically unscathed SMBR was able to easily route IS to avenge his first week tough luck loss.  Sam Darnold "led" IS with 1.70 points.  Nobody talked smacked and the game was obvious before the week even started, so I am having a tough time trying to think of stuff to say on this one.

A little parched from all this typing, going to take a nice refreshing sip of water while I check out Big Cat and Rush'n Missiles.  

Wait! Is Cory good?  I understand seeing Big Cat at the bottom the standings.  It's comforting like grandma's quilt, but this Cory currently in 6th position is like world is upside down, fire is cold, that cherry isn't somewhere, WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!?! I am questioning everything I knew before.  Is gravity real?  IS JASON A REAL SIZED ADULT MAN!!!!! I don't even know anymore. 

“Big Cat could have beaten half the league.” 

                    Cory Bourquin Oct 26th, 2021

Not every team used all the byes and injuries as an excuse as the only man to step up a get the win with a decimated squad was the only child in the league.  Blue Gatorade pulled out the victory with the likes of Van Jefferson, Mike Davis, Marquez Calloway in the lineup beat a team with blue chip athletes like Patrick Mahomes, Chris Godwin, Courtland Sutton, Julio Jones, and Kyle Pitts.  Tinker Stinkers can feel good knowing that his team did that during all the byes with only one guy on bye.  That's seeing the bar, lowering the bar, and then still missing the bar.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7g3OCI7ll8

The Collegians were drug by Matt Stafford to a victory over Los Zapatistas.  LZ had four positions put up 3 points or less, including ol DPJ or Don't Play Jones, Baltimore's D, his kicker which is his best friend, and of course old reliable A yuk! The Collegians had 6 guys on his bench break 10 points.  It still came down to Monday Night, with LZ praying to fantasy gods for a Geno Smith led offense to score tons of points.  In the good news department, both of LZ recent trade acquisitions scored touchdowns.  

Power Rankings

1. HC 62-16

2. BG 58-20

3  BNE/CB 55-23 

5. SMBR 54-24

6. TC 53-25

7. EBD 47-31

8. IS 42-36

9. ODS 41-37

10. LZ 40-38

11. BL 39-39

12. BCC 38-40

13. TS 37-41

14. $$$ 30-48

The luckiest team in the league has been Tinker Stinkers who should be in next to last place but is somehow sitting at #7. Italian Stallions are the unluckiest but not enough bad luck to say he would have been a playoff team without bad luck currently. 

The Power Rankings are a good measure of how good your team really is and as a comparison to the rest of the league, but Nick has provided numbers against the mean each week, which basically measures, how many times you are in the are the top half of the league in scoring.  Basically nobody has more or less than one win they should.  

Pick em results.

Blue Gatorade, Bricklayers, and Hardcore Cabinet all went 6-1.  RM and TS went 2-5.  This week's picks can be made here. https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/14389/pickem

Week 8 Preview

It's another week of only 1 match-up between top 7 teams, which if the results go the same as this week did, with the better team winning all of them, we could have some big time separation between the haves and have nots. 

Game of the Week  6 vs 7 RM vs TS

Toilet Bowl Preview: ODS vs EBD (It's the only game between two non top 7 teams but it's 8 vs 9).

BNE vs BL

BCC vs BG

IS vs TC

LZ vs SMBR

Good Luck in week 8 and have a Happy Halloween! I hope your roster is full of Treats and not Tricks.  You don't want to get A Yuk! candy, am I right Sergio.

HTPB Week 20.6

 

Hardcore Cabinet continued their dominance over the Italian Stallions defeating them for the tenth straight year. Italian Stallions lost with the second highest score of the week. 2011 was the Italian Stallions last time winning the championship or even placing in HTPB.  

 What was the world like in 2011 compared to today?  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 led the box office, the nation was jamming to top song Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO, Seal Team 6 killed Osama Bin Laden, Steve Jobs died from cancer, and gas prices in Ohio were actually higher than now with $3.82 per gallon.  In 2011, the current members of HTPB had combined for 6 children.  The league has now corrupted the planet with 20 additional kids and Sergio is on pace to have this number at 30 by next time IS beats HC.  The game itself was a barn burner, as the fantasy gods teased him with the possible victory but the difference in the game was Bricklayers sending Cooper Kupp to Hardcore for a bag of magic beans.  

photo creation credit Nick Webb

Italian Stallions wasn't the only team cost a victory by that trade, as Bricklayers would have won had they not made the trade.  Carson Wentz and Chubba Hubbard filled well for the injured Wilson and Barkley, as Eh Bid Dude pulled out a win with a bottom half score.  Those victories are always crucial come nut crunching time to make the playoffs. 

The third Monday night magic came saw, Ogre's Death Squad edge out Blue Gatorade in a game that wasn't determined until the clock hit 0:00.  ODS pulls to 3-3 causing Big E to declare his team the worst 3-3 ever, which is a disgusting bald faced lie and a slap in the face of Los Zapatistas who currently is a much worse 3-3 team.  Jalen Hurts' Blake Bortles impression wasn't enough to get BG the victory as new and maybe former Seahawks starting running back, Alex Collins gave ODS the win.

Big Cat Crushers continued to plummet down the standings.  From first place after week 2 to 13th place a month later. Big Cat has fallen with Carson and CMC to IR, I don't know if he can get up.  It might be time for Eric and Steve to look into a place to make Big Cat's final few weeks in HTPB comfortable so he isn't in pain towards the end. Tinker Stinkers picks up another lucky win which is what he is best at just edging out horse jokes and giving directions to Emerald City.  

https://www.google.com/search?q=stark+county+top+nursing+home&rlz=1C1CAFB_enUS671US671&oq=stark+county+top+nursing+home&aqs=chrome..69i57j33i22i29i30l4.6092j0j9&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&safe=active&ssui=on

Darrel Williams gave the extra "L" on his first name to Rush'n Missiles, as Los Zapatistas handed a bad beat to RM.  Burrow and the backs led Los Zapatistas to the victory as RM didn't get much out of anyone outside of Green Bay.  (Listen here fellas, if you don't talk much in the chat, I don't get too much of narrative to write about, I need a kernel of something to foster into something funny.)

The Collegians didn't get much outside of Stafford and Mixon but they didn't need it to defeat as he caught SMBR repeatedly on a rare down week.  Johnathan Taylor put in his second strong week in a row but Lamar was a no show and it showed.  Both teams are perched near the top of the standings thanks to strong starts to the season.  

Speaking of the top of the standings, BNE managed to have a shit week and moved into first place.  But anything is possible when you play Dollars' shit team.  He makes dreams come true. His top non QB is Kamara coming in at #53 in the league in scoring overall, for the third overall draft pick.  The Department of Justice as opened a federal investigation into how Dollars has won two games.  When brought before the league commissioner who had been accused of cowardice, Dollars would only say

Power Rankings

1. BG 53-25

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2. HC 48-30

3. SMBR 47-31

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4. BNE/TC 44-34

6. RM 42-36

7. IS 40-38

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8. ODS 38-40

9. EBD 37-41

10. TS/LZ 36-42

12. BL 33-45

13. BCC 30-48

----------------------

14. $$ 18-60

Analysis: Blue Gatorade is the unluckiest team, with IS right behind him on the unlucky train.  Tinker Stinkers is luckiest team by far, being a whopping 6 places higher than he should be, double the next luckiest BNE. Dollars is so so so bad. Mathematically he should have 0.2 wins but has managed 2.  It's not showing in his place in the standings, but he has been really lucky.  No AOE in the top 7 in the actual standings or the Power Rankings. They only have 5 wins combined outside of beating each other. 

League Pick'em 

The Shoes went 5-2 to win the week. SMBR pulled up the rear going 2-5. Week 6 pick-em here.  Remember when you pick you should assume that each team will trade their best player for a borderline starter.  That's because Roy plays chess while we play checkers. https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/14389/pickem

Week 7 Schedule (Rematches- first game winner in bold)

This week could be Separation Sunday as 5 of the 7 match-ups are between top 7's and bottom 7's. 

Game of the Week 

TINKER STINKERS vs Blue Gatorade  (Luckiest vs Unluckiest)

HARDCORE CABINET vs Bricklayers (Kupp comes back for revenge)

EH BID DUDE vs Big Nasty Express

BIG CAT CRUSHERS vs Rush'n Missiles 

ITALIAN STALLIONS vs Stabmyballzrepeatedly

Los Zapatistas vs THE COLLEGIANS

The Toilet Bowl Matchup of the Week presented by Cowardice

$$$(Those are capital $) vs Ogre's Death Squad. 

Good luck through the bye week craziness and may you emerge on the other side ready for a playoff push.  

 

HTPB 20.5

 

Week 5 caused the standings to bunch up closely.  13 of the 14 teams are either 3-2 or 2-3.  

All year, there has been talk around the league as it being the year for someone who has not drafted a championship team in 20 years.  This week a team that has not drafted a championship team in 20 years, put up a whopping 180 points to defeat Big Cat. 48 points from Herbert along with 4 20 point scorers. (I rounded up Chase's 19.95, so go to hell, Steve) was too much for Big Cat to overcome.

Dollars got into the Halloween spirit as his team rose from the dead to feast on Dom's brains.  Being such a light snack, Dollars also nibbled on Montgomery's knee, Dalvin Cook's ankle, and Ju-Ju's shoulder. The next few weeks of the season will be pivotal for these two squads to see if Dollars is really back to life or it was that thing where corpses sit up due to muscles tightening from dehydration before the days of embalming, and the Italian Stallions look to piece to together a team headed into a match up against Hardcore Cabinet, whom he has not beaten in 10 years.  

Speaking of Hardcore Cabinet they could really use the fountain of youth that is a match up against the Italian Stallions, after dropping their third straight to Rush'n Missiles.  RM dropped the up and down act and stayed up this week.  A good sign for RM was their well rounded attack to pull out the win.  As this may finally be the year that Rush'n Missiles makes the playoffs for the first time ever, since he has never ever made the playoffs before.  Not even once.  I'm bitter.  

Bricklayers hopes to get his bipolar disorder under control this week, as he proclaimed that his team was turning it around, voted against his team to win, made a swindler trade of that took the sole of The Shoes, proceeded to denounce his team, offer his best players up for a fire sale, take a generational tight end performance as sign that his team is good and call his shot on a Toyota for next week.  Also he lost, again. Also he wasn't even in the top 7 in scoring in the league.  Maybe next time you pay for airplane wi-fi it should be to seek a virtual meeting with a mental health professional.  Blue Gatorade continues to quietly move forward on his sneakily successful season.  

Hey Eh Bid Dude, do you want the good news or the bad news.  Since you are always such an optimist, I will give you the good news first.  You won.  The bad news you lost Wilson and Barkley for the foreseeable future and you play Bricklayers, who despite only being in the top half of the league in scoring just one week, has requested that you grab your ankles.  The Collegians had a rough week, as not a single player crossed the 20 point plateau, with a leading scorer of 16 from Stafford. 

Josh Allen and Zeke leads Ogre's Death Squad to big win over Los Zapatistas.  Los Zapatistas has been falling quickly down the standings and got swindled by a swindler.  He has been living vicariously through his butt buddies.  I am worried about you Sergio.  https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/is-living-vicariously-through-others-dangerous/

In short, living vicariously refers to living life through someone else's experiences rather than being a part of the events yourself. It requires immersing yourself in someone else's world and emotionally or mentally making their achievements and setbacks your own. It allows you to experience rewards without having to risk your own failures. You can tap into the feeling of achievement without putting in the work that may or may not pay off. It lets you explore personas and lifestyles you cannot have in real life and allows you to navigate the world through a different perspective without committing to any big changes. Living vicariously lets you have countless new experiences without stepping outside the prescribed boundaries around you.

We are here for you buddy.

In the craziest match up of the week, SMBR leapt into solo possession of first place after storming back against Tinker Stinkers.  68 points in prime time from the Bills and Lamar lead the come back, as Tinker Stinkers let this one slip between his tiny fingers something that JJ would have never let happen, rest assured.  

Power Rankings

1. SMBR 46-19

2. BG 44-21

3. BNE 41-24

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4. TC 37-28

5. HC 35-30

6. CB 34-31

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7. TS/EBD 31-34

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9. BL 29-36

10. IS/BCC/ODS 28-37

13. LZ 25-40

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14. $$ 18-47

There were no bad beats this week.

The luckiest team has been BCC which shows that maybe it has been the Year of the Cat all along.

The unluckiest teams have HC and EBD.

Pick em Results

ODS/BG/HC went 5-2

Tc went 2-5 but that still better than EBD 0-7 because of fear and pettiness. 

This week's pick em link https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/14389/pickem

Looking ahead to next week:

Game of the Week #1 SMBR vs #4 TC

ODS vs BG

BNE vs $$$

BCC vs TS

HC vs IS

LZ vs RM

The Toilet Bowl Preview of the Week

#9 EBD vs #10 BL (Which honestly isn't that bad but it was the lowest combined seeding, tied with HC vs IS but HC is a higher overall seed than either of these two teams, so that's why I chose it. If you have a problem with the tiebreakers, you fucking type this out, do math, and be hilarious. Any hands? Didn't think so.)

Good Luck to everyone next week. 

    

HTPB Week 20.4

Week 4 in HTPB further bunched teams the league is full of parity this season.

In the highest scoring match up of the week, Blue Gatorade led the league in scoring, and gave Italian Stallions a hard luck loss.  43 Monday night points from Eckler and Cook where enough to run past the Italian Stallions, who know have to figure out how to replace keeper David Montgomery, which could be as difficult for Dom as that pesky reading.  

SMBR gave Big E a good run through with that Big D.  Defense that is. As the Buffalo Bills put up a whopping 25 points, which outscored everyone on ODS.  SMBR looks to be having a bounce back season after last year's toiletries and ODS looks like he could be headed to another basement season.

But not the basement floor, because that is occupied by Dollars. A live look at Dollars setting his lineup each week:

Dollars is having the season from Hell.  Concussions, COVID, blown knees, kickers not kicking, OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!  The Collegians put up 94 points and won....COMFORTABLY.  Maybe better days are ahead, but it sure doesn't seem like it.  

Speaking of wining with a low score, Tinker Stinkers and coach Mike Richards.  They pulled out a narrow 2 point victory led almost completely by Patrick Mahomes 5 TD's.  A zero spot from injured Logan Thomas was the difference for Hardcore Cabinet along with other various shit performances, knocking him from his two week stay atop the standings.  Clearly JJ, would have been smart enough to use his adult sized hands to enter Kalif Raymond into the starting lineup this week.  

Bricklayers finally broke into the top 7 in scoring in a given week with their victory over the suddenly tail spinning Big Cat's Crushers.  As an old guy Big Cat should have known that rain is bad for the old joints as Brady put up a stinker in his return to New England. Bricklayers has a tough time deciding which running back to send out in a given week. Miles Gaskin 0.3 was the correct play, however as he eked out Sony Michel's -0.9.  I don't know how much longer Bricklayers can leave Mark Ingram's 2.4 points on the bench. It's quite the three headed monster.  Pictured here: 

 The Big Nasty Express beat Los ZapaTinkerStinkers,  I'm unsure of the losing team's name.  The coach is way more worried about other teams.  It's weird.  You think JJ needs an Emotional Support Mexican?  Shut the hell up, you stupid Sergio.  

Anyway....

A very well rounded effort from BNE's squad led to an easy win as BNE appear to have gotten back on the right track since an early season slog.  

Eh Bid Dude took his first hard luck loss of season to the always dangerous Even Week Rushin' Missiles.  This one was hard to predict as EBD always says, "Projections are wrong and stupid except when they aren't for but otherwise fuck off and know the rules except the ones I don't know.  Fags"

Power Rankings: 

1. BG 38-14

2. TC 35-17

3. HC 34-18

4. SMBR 34-18

________________________________

5. BNE 28-24

6. IS 28-24

7. RM 25-27

8. BCC 24-28

9. TS 24-28

10. BL 24-28

11. EBD 23-29

12. LZ 22-30

____________________________

13. ODS 18-34

______________________________

14. $$ 7-45

Analysis:  HC and TC feel back into the pack with the rest of the top teams.  There has been little discern between teams 5-12.  ODS has been bad but not Dollars bad who deserves his own section.  Blue Gatorade has been the unluckiest team in the league, as the power rankings show he is the most consistent team in the league but he is only in 5th place.  The luckiest team has been Tinker Stinkers, who is 6 spots ahead of where the numbers say he should be.  

Weekly Pick em.  

Bricklayers took first place this week with a 6-1 record while Big Cat and Tinker Stinkers went 3-4 at the bottom.  Week 5 pick em can be done https://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/14389/pickem?week=5

Week 5 preview:  The Best Matchup of the Century of the Week is a battle between 3-1 teams SMBR VS Tinker Stinkers.

HC vs RM

BNE vs BCC

BG vs BL

$$ vs IS

EBD vs TC

and the Toilet Bowl Preview of Week is ODS vs LZ.

I hope you enjoyed reading, didn't take anything personal, and I wish you good luck in Week 5.