HTPB 23.8

 

Week 8 is in the books and this writeup is dedicated to Dom and Cory and anybody else out there that needs another man to stand up and handle their business for them because they can't.

The 2021 Toilet Bowl Winner Dollars defeated the team with the second most championships and second most wins in the history of the league who has won a championship since Max has been alive.  Dollars' rookie Jahmyr Gibbs exploded on Monday to turn this game into a rout, like HC all time wins lead over $$$ (148-120).  Both teams will try to turn their 4-4 records into playoff berths, where HC leads Dollars 17-11 in playoff wins, including an undefeated record all time against Dollars in the playoffs.  Dollars is probably reading this thinking..."Got Damn! I wasn't in the league at first!" But average place of finish for Dollars and Hardcore is both 5.9. Dollars will also say these stats were cherry picked to make HC look better, to which I retort. So by Dollars own definition, this was a game between two mediocre owners. Although Dollars does lead HC in holes punched in his own walls over Carolina Panthers running backs.  

(Picture I stopped to take at the Columbus zoo this summer and saved to use when I hopefully beat Sergio this year but the GOD DAMN BUFFALO DEFENSE SCORED LIKE 50 points! I mean it's Mexican, it's a wolf, and it's endangered, I mean come on! It's perfect.)

Bricklayers waited a long time to avenge their undefeated season being ruined by The Shoes in the Super Bowl last year.  He spent any time he had left over after trying to change the league rules so he could have gotten money for having the best regular season ever and choking, on planning his revenge this week. Bricklayers and his receiving core said, agáchate aquí viene de nuevo! The win catapults, Bricklayers into first place in the standings which if he ends the season there will lead to absolutely no extra money.

Jason falling out of first place.

Jeremy's Brother could not breathe the thin air at the top of the mountain and took the L and tumbled down the standings.  He's not used to altitudes above 5 feet.  Travis Etienne and Garret Wilson continues to pay dividends for Blue Gatorade in the post Jefferson trade world.  Blue Gatorade lost Darren Waller to injury and Jeremy's Brother lost one of it's better players, schedule luck.  Both squads are 5-3 despite being below .500 in the power rankings. 

This intrepid reporter went through the stat corrections this season and it has only happened for 4 players that were rostered.  So RM can probably take their .07 victory to the bank. In week 3 Bay-Bay's lost 4 points on a defense stat correction.  It didn't affect anything but that's a lot of points for a stat correction.  Josh Allen and Joe Burrow combined for 1/3 of the points in this matchup.  RM gets the lucky win and BNE will say he got screwed but when your second leading scorer is your kicker, you screwed yourself. 

Eh Big Dude was gracious in defeat to The Collegians, which has a vastly worse team than EBD.  Patrick Mahomes pulled whatever is the opposite of Jordan's flu game, by scoring 4 points.  If he would have played better, EBD could have defeated Steve who has maximized his win total with his sub par team.  Honestly Steve should have just been glad to be on the field with EBD, so he must be beaming to have the SAME EXACT RECORD.  EBD will be spending some with a self help book this week to prepare for week 9.

(runner up)

The Italian Stallions scored over 140 points again to gain the victory over SMBR and rocket all the way into still last place. The Toilet Bowl trophy has been serenading IS as it calls to him with it's siren song. IS used big games from CMC and Jalen Huluhaslivesports to serve his Brother in Law a hard luck loss. Dak's 34 points were not enough for SMBR to overcome IS 9 touchdowns.  In the BIL round Robin Championship RM takes home the trophy which is known as the Joe's LOGCOCK Championship with a 2-0 record.  But if you lose to RM in any sort of fantasy football competition it's time for a long look in the mirror.

A picture of an Ogre and Big E.  You see it's a jackass.  Very meta.

Ogre's Death Squad continues their march into the abyss.  This time the beneficiary of ODS bad team is Bay-Bay's.  DeAndre Hopkins rose from the grave like a Halloween zombie to score his first 3 touchdowns of the season and Dan got his usual 40 points from the Dolphin twins.  Also I can't believe that I just realized that Adam Cole's finisher is the Canadian Destroyer.  We shall see if Bay-bay's can be the German Destroyer next week with the Dolphins in Germany.  Bay-Bay's has started the optimal lineup with 91.7% accuracy, tops in the league.

Power Rankings

1. BL 67-37

2. EBD 66-38

3. LZ 57-47

4. 56-48

5. BB 55-49

6. RM 55-49

7. $$ 51-53

8. 51-53

9. BG 51-53

10. IS 50-54

11. HC 47-57

12. TC 46-58

13. SMBR 42-62

14. ODS 34-70

Analysis:  It appears that BL and EBD have risen to the top, ODS is awful and everybody else is some level of average.  It's going to get nuts down the stretch.  Bay-Bay's and Jeremy's Brother are both 4 spots lucky and BNE has an unofficial record of 7 spots unlucky.  

Blue Gatorade wins this week with a 6-1 record, while RM finished last with a 2-5 record. Picks can be made here for week 9.

Jason maintains his overall lead.

This week has only one game matching up current playoff squads and one game matching up current also rans.

The Game of the Week 

#5 Blue Gatorade vs #2 Bay-Bay's

ODS vs BL

BNE vs EBD

$$ vs TC

IS vs LZ

JB vs RM

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#9 Hardcore Cabinet vs #12 Stabmyballzrepeatedly

HTPB 22.7

 

Several matchups came down to Monday night for the first time this season.

Despite a good portion of his squad out injured.  The Shoes can't be stopped.  Well they could have easily been stopped with out 82 points but SMBR was not up to the challenge.  LZ featured the unique point total of 0.42 by DeeJay Dallas, featuring the stat line of a catch for no yards and a fumble, to go along with some return yards.  SMBR managed to increase their successfully put a lineup in with all active players to 2.  Unfortunately many of those players were active in name only.  

Eh Big Dude continues to put up massive point totals and for the first time this season, he had a good week while seemingly not watching, breaking his streak of 6 years of that happening.  The Italian Stallions despite being 6th in points is a full 2 game lead in the race for the Toilet Bowl Trophy.  Pat Mahomes had his best week of the season by 10 points over his previous high and Johnathan Taylor paid dividends for the first time all year.   Not only did the Loins lose this game but Hurts, Watson and Godwin got banged up.  

Bay-Bay's sent Bricklayers a few early presents such as special recipe Canadian syrup and rolling over and dying to give the Bricklayers the lucky win. Tua struggled against the Eagles as the Dolphins have not beaten a team with a winning record since week 3 of last year.  Bricklayers continues to ride AJ Brown like he was Roy in a fight that Brick started.  Bricklayers were able to overcome 3 total points from his defense and kicker to get the victory.

In a change for the usual, a child took advantage of ODS as Blue Gatorade pulled out the win.  ODS put up the lowest point total in the league for the third time this season.  That's 42% of the season.    ODS managed to killed by a guy who literally gets drunk and throws himself into the bushes outside his apartment repeatedly.  Is that worse that paying for said dummy to do this? So click an ad because I have to pay for this idiot to be dumb.  Blue Gatorade got 40 points from the Jaguars backfield but they'll be on bye next week so Max will have to spend less time doing drunken gardening and needs to find some replacements. Blue Gatorade has overtaken RM in setting the best possible lineup each week getting 91.6% of the best possible scores. 

Hardcore Cabinet graciously helped Rush 'm Missiles to be even more motivated next year to beat him.  Hardcore Cabinet gives and gives to RM.  When one day RM wins a playoff game in this league which is yet to happen in nearly a decade of RM in HTPB. RM was defeated despite Ingram being mysteriously benched and Cooper Kupp had 5 points.  Just know Cory, that I am here for you, out of the kindness of my heart to remind you of where you belong.  Keeping you grounded.   Don't look now but HC has tied JB for the longest win streak in the league.

I have no idea how he keeps doing it but Jeremy's Brother continues to win despite a rash of injuries. JB has won 3 in a row and sits atop the standings. This week he topples Collegians handing them quite the beatdown.  How has JB overcome all the injuries to QB's and RB's?  Some kind of come strange Beef 'n Cheddar voodoo?   The Collegians have rode a two game loss streak into 11 place, although maybe on some third place beyond the stat tracker, maybe Steve has a win probability over 0% 

(AI image: Brock Purdy causes a train wreck)

Dollars rode two rookie receivers to the victory over Big Nasty Express aided by Brock Purdy getting smashed in the Monday Night Matchup.  BNE won the tight end day position money but it was not enough to overcome good week Dollars.  Dollars has zigged and zagged all over the place here are Dollars point totals this season:  96, 76, 86, 104, 182, 75, 124.    Dr. Dollars' playoff predictions currently only have 1 team in the top seven so those at least haven't been schizophrenic.  They have just been down.  

Some cherry picked stats from the Skynet playoff odds calculator.

EBD has a 44% of getting the bye.  The next highest are three people bunched in the teens.  

Italian Stallions has a higher playoff likelihood than SMBR, TC, and ODS.

ODS has the lowest playoff percentage at 5%

Power Rankings 

1. EBD 64-27

2. BL 54-37

3. BNE 52-39

4. JB 51-40

5. LZ 51-40

6. RM 50-41

7. HC 46-45

8. BB 45-46

9. BG 43-48

10. $$ 40-51

11. TC 39-52

12. IS 38-53

13. SMBR 33-58

14. ODS 31-60

BNE has been the most unlucky being 5 spots short of where they should be (RM 4 spots).  JB and LZ are tied with being 3 spots luckier than they have earned.  The Collegians are the only team exactly where they should be in the standings at spot 11.  

EBD and JB lead the pack this week with 5-2 weeks as ODS and IS came in with scorching a scorching 1-6 week.  You can make your picks for week 8 here.

Week 8 preview.

Game of the Week

#2 Los Zapatistas vs #4 Bricklayers

HC vs $$

ODS vs BB

BG vs JB

EBD vs TC

BNE vs RM

Toilet Bowl Matchup

#14 Italian Stallions vs #12 StabmyBallzRepeatedly

Our second brother in law toilet bowl matchup of the season!

HTPB 22.6

 

It was a week of the upset, and not the normal kind of upset when somebody doesn't remember the rules and just gets mad, but the kind of upset when the lower seed wins.  6/7 of the games were won by the lower seed in week 6.

In the one matchup that didn't feature an upset, the Italian Stallions bucked the trend of upsets and the last place go off week. The Stallions spent $31 on Demercado who got two carries which was less carries than Ingram (10), Williams (8), Dobbs (7), and Rondale Moore (a WR with 3).  But don't worry IS, McCaffery got hurt, so now you can play the corpse of Ezekial Elliot.  Speaking of corpses, the Bengal combo of Higgins and Burrow continued to be not so great for BNE, but he was able to pull out the win behind, Mr. Taylor Swift and Raheem Mostert who won BNE the $5 for the position contest.

Jason wining again despite losing yet another player to injury.

The Los Zaptistas trotted out quite the terrible lineup featuring Quinton Johnston and Johnathan Mingo.  They produced so little they allowed Jeremy's Brother to win despite Fields dislocating his thumb trying to hitchhike his way away from this shit show.  It's JB second win of the season without scoring 100 points.  

Speaking of shit matchups, ODS defeated Dollars without breaking 100. You know things are getting dark when you are trotting out 3 members of the Saints vaunted offense.  Both squads only managed 2 touchdowns each.  These teams have been so bad that even after winning, ODS leap frogged Dollars in the standings and landed in 12th place.   Things might not be looking good for Dollars going forward as he has already played 75% of the bottom 4 of the standings, and he can't play himself.  

Hardcore Cabinet got the high score of the week and defeated Bricklayers, handing him a hard luck loss.  40 points from the Rams duo of Kyren Williams and Cooper Kupp, assisted, the Vikings defense which was claimed off of waivers after the Loins released them this week, was too much for Bricklayers.  The layers were let down by their running backs as the three of them combined for less than 30 points.  

In the closest game of the week, Blue Gatorade defeated Eh Bid Dude led by 32 points from the players that BG got for an injured Justin Jefferson.  I was going to make fun of Roy for starting both Colts running backs but it gave him the most possible points this week. So instead I will make fun of Roy for having a team that currently requires both Colts running backs to be started to maximize their points.  Eh Big Dude leads the league in points but has lost 3 out of their last 4 or as Dom calls it, a hot streak.

Stabmyballzrepeatedly actually set a full lineup this week and that's all he needed to dispose of the Collegians. The Collegians only had two players break double digits.  Both David Montgomery and Deebo Samuel left injured during this matchup.  The Collegians currently find themselves outside of the playoffs looking in.  Maybe if their coach spent less time questioning the roster building of other teams in the league, their season would be going better.

(Tua fucking a Missile)

After a few solid weeks, Rushin Missiles put up a stinker week and fell in the standings, after being pummeled by Bay-Bay's who used the time tested strategy of immediate white flagging.  Josh Allen wasn't able to score 50 points and bail out RM on Sunday night.  The Tua and Tyreke combo got off to a slow start but were able to turn it on late to pull away. Bay-Bay's is already close to tying his win total from last year with 6 wins or as Dom calls 6 wins, a dream season. 

It's the debut of the Skynet Playoff odds!!!

1. EBD 51-27

2. BL 48-30

3. LZ 47-31

4. BNE 45-33

5. RM 45-33

6. BB 42-36

7. JB 41-37

8. HC 38-40

9. TC 38-40

10. BG 34-44

11. SMBR 31-47

12. ODS 31-47

13. $$ 29-49

14. IS 26-52

The Luckiest team by over two times, the next luckiest team is JB.  The most unlucky teams are EBD and BL as losing this week with the 4th and 5th highest scores were tough losses. 

This week HC and TC split the top spot with 4-3 records.  Dollars took the first 0fer of the season getting every single game wrong. Pick week 7 here.

The Game of the Week

#2 Bay-Bay's vs #5 Bricklayers

HC vs RM

$$$ vs BNE

SMBR vs LZ

IS vs EBD

TC vs JB

Toilet Bowl of the Week

(Not featuring Dom for the first time in three weeks)

#11 Blue Gatorade vs #12 Ogre's Death Squad

Have a great week 7, gentleman.

HTPB 22.5

Week 5 saw the return of fantasy studs to active rosters (Taylor, Kupp), the return of disappointing players to premiere performance, (Burrow, Chance), the return of Sergio slurping Jason like he had anything to do with any of his success.  Now if we can get Cory back to the bottom 7, everything will be normal again.

                                                                            (Fields on Fire)

Jeremy' Brother has somehow continues to score more after losing Chubb and Henry than he was before.  Led by Justin Fields' amazing Thursday night, JB managed to hand Bay-Bay's a convincing defeat.  We are unaware if Dan was able to watch Fields go crazy on TNF because we don't know if Canada has Amazon Prime or Thursdays for that matter.  Little is known about this strange land. Luckily Jeremy was able to tell Jason how handle the situation. 

Joe Burrow came back from the dead to partner with DJ Moore to give Big Nasty Express the Big Nasty Win.  Blue Gatorade traded the #1 pick in the draft and his life partner of the last several years for a receiver catches passes from a QB that looks and throws like Bart and running back who plays mostly in England apparently.  It didn't matter this week as both Jefferson and Max listening to his roommates and their girlfriends pulled their hammies.  I'm trying to transition back into this matchup but after that hammie joke, I think it's best for all involved if I just move on.

After a whole year of denying being smug the Bricklayers in fact proved they were smug based on their own logic.  The Bricklayers told the sideline reporter that they were not looking forward to the Collegians smug comments.  Later he said that it takes a smug person to know a smug a person.  So by the transitive principle, Bricklayers was admitting that he himself is smug, if he was able to know that the Collegians would be smug.  This is now proven.  Science law. Ipso Facto Smuggo Sluggo.  Nice win, Steve. Lots of solid performances all around. 

In the anticipated Eh Bid Dude vs Los Zapatistas matchup, several players went down with injuries.  This game saw the injuries or all already injured: James Conner, Tank Dell, Roy's pride, Amon Ra St. Brown, De-von Achane, Aaron Jones, and Justin Jefferson.  There were so many injuries on Los Zapatistas that De-Von Archane had to get his own medical exam table because the blue tent was full. The Shoes were able to tap dance into first place with the win, and Eh Bid Dude plummeted down in the standings all the way to 2nd.  But luckily like most weeks that his team doesn't do well, Roy was fortunate enough to not be paying attention this week. 

Rushin Missiles has bucked several years of tradition to win three games in a row, although a majority of them could have been family related pity.  SMBR left an inactive player in his lineup for the second time this season.  It would not have mattered because RM go crazy in England and he leads the league in starting the right players with an over 91.6% hit rate. He's broken 100 four straight weeks.

Dollars rocketed out of the cellar with huge 182 point performance.  Jamar Chase and George Kittle had three TD's apiece.  It was raining touchdown's on the Stallions.  Just one week after Dom pulled the last place point explosion, he fails to break 100, losing again and slips right back into dead fucking last.  Don't worry Dom has time share there, he knows his way around.  The 85 point beat down was the biggest of the season. Dollars used his week explosion to jump to the head of the losing records just one game out of the playoffs. 

Ogre's Death Squad and Hardcore Cabinet combined for less points that Dollars himself this week.  Hardcore gets the win despite outscoring only 4 franchises this week.  Cooper Kupp returned as Hardcore Cabinet looks to save his season, and ODS looks to have two QB with red letter designations and tries to piece together a roster to help turn it around.  Hunter Henry and DeVonta Smith combined for 1 catch and 6 yards.  

1. RM 44-21

2. LZ 43-22

3. EBD 41-24

4. BL 39-26

5. TC 36-29

6. JB 35-30

7. BB 35-30

8. BNE 34-31

9.$$ 29-36

10. ODS 26-39

11. HC 25-40

12. IS 23-42

13. SMBR 23-42

14. BG 22-43

Ogre's Death Squad has been the most unlucky, being cheated out of 3 spots in the standings. There is a logjam of several teams who have been two spots lucky.

10 prognosticators went 4-3 to win the week.

IS, EBD went 3-4

$$ 2-5

BG a lowly 1-6 (You're Welcome for the win)

Week 6 picks can be made here.

In the game of the week

#1 Los Zapatistas battle #5 Jeremy's Brother

HC vs BL

ODS vs $$$

BB vs RM

BG vs EBD

SMBR vs TC

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#14 Italian Stallions (for the third straight week) vs #9 Big Nasty Express

Enjoy week 6 everybody.  Please comment on the webpage with something you enjoyed. 

HTPB 22.4

 

Week 4 is in the books and no longer is any team winless.  The Wright brothers were hoping for some Monday Night Magic but came out like the Wrong brothers.  Plus you guys said shit this week so this will be a better recap. 

Bay Bay's were able to survive without good performances from Tua and Tyreke as Nico Collins and the Jaguars defense, carried them to a victory over Hardcore Cabinet.  Lamar Jackson and Kyren Williams scored over 50% of Hardcore's total, as backup QB decimated the performance of his receiving core. Two teams headed into different directions in this one.

Rush'n Missiles pulled off his second straight victory and enjoyed a colored flavored sports based beverage.  RM had everyone but the Muth firing on all cylinders.  While much like the last three seasons, Blue Gatorade was Justin Jefferson and nothing else.  RM excitedly procured his beverage which obvously was not supplied by the dead beats like Nick and Jason who still owe Max a case of said beverages from their humiliating bowl picks defeat.  Did I manage to turn a game between RM and BG into a deserved slam on these two non Lannisters?  (You can't just fuck your relatives guys, there is more to it than that)  I am that good.  

Editor's Note: It was really hard to find a picture of a horse on steroids that wasn't just a horse actually being injecting with steroids for cheating in horse racing.  I have joined PETA because of the extra time I had to spend finding this photo of a ridiculously muscular horse.  Leave those damn horses alone so I can find a funny pictures ya fucking  jockeys.   

Italian Stallions got their first win of the year with a crazy week, totaling 181 points as 7 of the 9 IS players scored touchdowns this week.    Jeremy' Brother got the first good game of the season from Fields and got 1 catch from George Kittle.  Italian Stallions gave JB the Toyota beat down of the week but this beat down deserves a whole fleet of Toyotas.  JB should be cruising around to local Arby's in these bad boys soon.

Joe Burrow continues to suck for longtime Bengal fan, BNE. Burrow has not been a quarterback this season he's been something else.  Just how close is Burrow to BNE's preseason tuddy prediction? Justin Herbert was able to play through his injury, scoring points with his dislocated finger to put up 24 points.  I'm sure with Tee Higgins and Michael Evans injuries that BNE will be able to get the train on the tracks again.  I know Eric Michael thinks if he just stays quiet this year, I won't do it.  But I still will.

            (This is a photo of lots of white flags not a blurry photo of EBD and his friends hanging out)

Eh Bid Dude and Ogre's Death Squad had a weird let's attempt to surrender while the game is still a coin flip.   In the end EBD unsurrendered the least or the most or I don't even know anymore as the Royller Coaster is even changing by the hour.  He's the best team ever assembled to I will lose with a 48% chance of victory.  He did get Derrick Henry for a bag of magic beans this week and he went crazy, throwing for more touchdowns than Joe Burrow.  ODS didn't get that Lockett touchdown last night to get the win so he woke up tired and disappointed, much like his wife the day after their wedding. 

The Collegians thought they had wrapped this game on Thursday night with 3 TD's from David Montegomery.   Until Stephon Diggs showed up on Sunday.   The Collegians prayed to the gods of Monday night football and did get DK to outscore Geno but in a monkey's paw scenario, he only outscored him by .13.  Los Zapatistas continue to roll along in defense of their championship.  

Dollars broke the century mark and got his first win of the year but remains in last place.  It was a toxic wasteland for Stabmyballzrepeatedly this week as only Josh Jacobs came to play.  Will the $70 man continue to produce with Cooper Kupp returning to practice this week?  Will SMBR bounce back after having the low score of the week?  Will either of them read this? Stay tuned.

                                                                Week 4 Power Rankings

1. EBD 39-13

2. LZ 36-16

3. RM 35-17

4. BL 34-18

5. BB 29-23

6. TC 26-26

7. ODS 26-26

8. BNE 23-29

9. JB 23-29

10. SMBR 22-30

11. HC 21-31

12. IS 20-32

13 $$ 16-36

14 BG 14-38

BNE is the unluckiest as he should be four spots higher, while BG is the luckiest being 4 spots higher than he should be.  Dom used his massive week to leap all the way up to 12th place!

Pick 'em results

Jeremy's Brother won pick em this week, going 6-1.  He let himself down as his self pick was the only game he got wrong. 

BNE brings up the rear with a 2-5 record.  

Pick week 5 here.

Week 5 preview

Game of Week 

#1 Eh Bid Dude vs #3 Los Zapatistas

BB vs JB

BNE vs BG

BL vs TC

RM SMBR

HC vs ODS

Toilet Bowl Game of the Week

#11 Italian Stallions vs #14 Dollars

See you next week. Good banter this week.